Greetings, and welcome to the Box. As part of my unauthorised affiliation with APS, this is the first of what may well be three articles published independent of my own website, Renzo's Rant. Wishing to set a precedent, I've decided to lay down a few ground rules that I, as a writer and frequent poker of fun, will abide by. You can rest assured that so long as I am writing fresh material for the Box, I will not circumvent my own jurisdiction.
I have recently come to the decision that some public figures, as mockable as they are, as high as their mockability may be, and as much as they run amok, are not to be mocked, nor are they to be mucked with. Therefore, I have compiled a list of individuals whose status, when it comes to my world-famous roasts and zingings, is untouchable. Forbearing all possible legal matters resulting from copyright infringement, I will call this list The Untouchables.
Okay, there's a reason why I'm not going to make fun of this guy (well, after today). He supposedly died in 1986, and yet I have a sneaky suspicion that he's still around here...somewhere. For all I know, you could be him. This is L. Ron Hubbard, author of Battlefield Earth and founder of the Church of Scientology. As we all know, the Scientoligists are the biggest, scariest, most influential secretive demonic cult around, right after the Masons, the Communist Party, the Boy Scouts, and the Liberal Party. I'm not sure what powers he has, as his church refuses to discuss its practices with non-members, but I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating by saying that he could reverse the Earth's orbit if he wanted. Suffice it to say, I'm going to steer clear of him either way.
You've got to hand it to Steve Guttenberg. If someone had come to me at the start of my acting days and told me that Police Academy was going to be the height of my career, I think I would have quit right then and there. Luckily for all of us, Steve didn't. Yes, he hung in for the good of the world so he could give us such classic gifts as Three Men and a Little Lady and The Big Green. I must also applaud his decision to not change his surname, which we all know is German for "gutterball", a very apt description of his post-1987 career. Here's hoping for a bright and fruitful future, Steve.
First off, let me say that 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain is the greatest movie ever. Period. I mean, with a star-studded cast featuring The Hulkster, Loni Anderson, and Jim Varney, how can you go wrong? I say you can't. Sure, there are some who scoff and say that Santa With Muscles is mindless drivel, or that Mr. Nanny was just recycled footage of Mr. Mom with Hogan's face super-imposed over that of Michael Keaton, but I disagree. If only Sir Laurence Olivier had lived long enough to work with Hogan, I'm sure he would have learned the true meaning of acting. Marathon Man? Pfft...give me Spy Hard anyday.
Well, that about does it for the Untouchables. If you're a celebrity and your name wasn't on the list, be warned - you have no bastion from my powers. As for the rest of you, tune in next time, when I'll be doing something else, possibly amusing. Who knows?
