So who's looking forward to the new Troy movie? You know, the one starring hunky Brad Pitt, hunky Orlando Bloom, hunky Eric Bana, hunky Sean Bean, and hu...uh, and Brian Cox. Anyway, I just happen to have some "connections" with a certain "individual" who "works" "on" "the" movie. To make a short story even shorter, I've acquired the working script for the film. Speaking of short, I'm a little bit confused as to how they're going to pad it out into a 2 hour movie, but hey, I'm not a director. Yet..... So, here it is.
The city of Troy. PARIS (Orlando Bloom) is seated in front of his computer, sifting through thousands of emails from teenage girls, when there is a sudden flash of light. Enter APHRODITE, goddess of love.
APHRODITE:
Hey, Paris! Boy, do I have a favour to ask you!
PARIS:
Sigh...yeah, that's what everyone is saying these days. Alright Aphrodite, what is it?
APHRODITE:
Well, as you probably know, the other Olympian gods and I are anthropomorphic, so we tend to be a bit arrogant and jealous. We recently decided to hold a beauty content, and I really want to win. Have you received the email about that yet?
PARIS:
No, what email?
A new email suddenly pops up on his computer.
APHRODITE:
Man, even in 1200 B.C. the internet is bogged down! Anyway, you have been randomly selected to serve as the judge for the contest, which will be held between myself and several other goddesses.
PARIS:
What about me? Didn't you see the Lord of the Rings movies? I was the prettiest one in the whole cast!
APHRODITE:
Sorry, but no mortals are allowed in this contest. But there's a reason why I'm here. As I said, I really want to win this, and I'd be willing to make picking me worth... your... while.
PARIS:
You mean you'd s-
APHRODITE (quickly):
No, not that far. Who do you think I am, Zeus? I meant that I'd let you marry the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen.
PARIS:
Oh. Well, I guess that's okay. You've got a deal.
Setting:
The city of Sparta. MENELAUS (the fat guy from 28 Days Later), the king, is lounging about on his throne. A SOLDIER approaches.
SOLDIER:
Err...King Menelaus? I have some bad news.
MENELAUS:
Don't tell me...we lost the Olympics again? Damn it, when are they going to start enforcing deity tests?! There's no way that Heracles is fully human, and they know it!
SOLDIER:
Uh, the Olympics won't start for another 500 years or so. But that's not why I'm here. Remember your wife, Helen? The most beautiful mortal woman in the world? Well, Paris of Troy just kidnapped her.
MENELAUS:
What??? How dare he! Alright, time to go to work!
MENELAUS picks up a nearby phone and dials. We shift to a split-screen, and AGAMEMNON (Brian Cox), brother of MENELAUS and king of Mycenae, answers.
AGAMEMNON:
Wazzzzzzup???!!!
MENELAUS:
What the hell are you doing? That isn't funny anymore! That isn't even funny to make fun of anymore!
AGAMEMNON:
You mean, it isn't funny yet. Come on, I'm a trend setter. So anyway, what's going on?
MENELAUS:
Paris of Troy just kidnapped my wife! I need your help in getting her back.
AGAMEMNON:
So, Helen finally decided to leave, huh? Can't say I blame her.
MENELAUS:
What's that supposed to mean?
AGAMEMNON:
Oh, nothing. I'm just saying that she's been around the block, that's all.
MENELAUS:
The block? Huh?
AGAMEMNON:
Yeah, she's a well-known woman. And I can speak from experience.
MENELAUS:
I...I'm not following.
AGAMEMNON:
Never mind. Let's go.
Setting:
The city of Troy. The king PRIAM (Peter O'Toole) stands with PARIS and HECTOR (Eric Bana), the hero of Troy. In the distance, we see the ships of AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS approaching.
PRIAM:
Hey, what are those ships doing? Paris, do you know what's going on here?
PARIS:
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. Turns out I kidnapped Helen of Sparta, thus incurring the wrath of all of mainland Greece. I imagine they're coming to reclaim her, and kill all of us.
HECTOR:
Well, shit.
The Achaean ships land on the coast. Enter ACHILLES (Brad Pitt), the partially divine warrior. With him are ODYSSEUS (Sean Bean), AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS.
ACHILLES:
Well, here we are. The city of Troy.
ODYSSEUS:
Hey, I hear the city is pretty well defended. Are you sure we can take them?
ACHILLES:
Bah! 'Tis no city in the world that can withstand the might of Achilles! We'll stay here and keep them under seige if it-
He is interrupted as STEVE SEAGAL enters, apparently from nowhere.
STEVE SEAGAL:
Did somebody say Under Seige? If those bastard oil company CEOs set one foot in Troy, I'll make sure there's a fire down below...their asses!
He notices AGAMEMNON.
STEVE SEAGAL:
Hey, Brian! What's going on, man? I haven't seen you in years!
AGAMEMNON:
Uh...I don't know what you're talking about! My name is Agamemnon, king of Mycenae!
STEVE SEAGAL:
No man, you're Brian Cox! Come on, we were in The Glimmer Man together! Oh man, that X2 movie was awesome! They were thinking of casting me as that dude with the claws, but I was too awesome and the claws broke, so they had to-
He is decapitated by ODYSSEUS.
ACHILLES:
Thank you. As I was saying, we'll keep them under seige even if it takes ten years!
Dissolve to ten years later.
ACHILLES:
See? Still here! However, during those ten years, Agamemnon's father-in-law took back his wife, so he claimed my sexy love-slave as his own! Thus enraged, I turned my support to the Trojans, giving them the favour of the gods. However, after a while I de-
ODYSSEUS (interrupting):
Hey, who are you talking to? We know what happened. I mean, we were all there.
ACHILLES:
Yes, I suppose you're right. Well, seeing as how this seige is never going to end, let's just leave behind an extremely large and conspicuous wooden horse and go home.
MENELAUS (drunk):
Smashing!
They sail off, leaving behind an extremely large and conspicuous wooden horse. There is a ladder leading to a large compartment with a window, through which we can plainly see Greek soldiers. Enter PRIAM and HECTOR.
PRIAM:
Look, a wooden horse! You know I've always wanted one of those! You know, for riding when I hunt wooden boars! Come, let us foolishly bring it into the city!
HECTOR:
Are you sure? I'm pretty sure those are Greek soldiers I see inside.
PRIAM:
So this mighty steed has devoured our enemies? All the more reason to take it home!
HECTOR:
But I'm pretty sure that horses are herbivo-
PRIAM (interrupting):
Do it now!
They take the horse inside the city. The Greek soldiers immediately jump out and start killing people. The Greek ships return, and everyone jumps out, running into the city.
AGAMEMNON:
Find Hector, the hero of Troy! His comic book hero movie franchise has nothing on mine!
ACHILLES confronts HECTOR.
ACHILLES:
It's time for the exciting climax, followed by the heart-breaking death sequence...of you!
HECTOR:
Yipes!
He runs away. ACHILLES chases him around the city at double speed, accompanied by Benny Hill music. Occasional funny gags happen, such as them running into a building and coming out with each other's clothes on, or Priam's pants suddenly falling down with an accompanying "Fweep!" sound. Eventually they stop.
ACHILLES:
Before I kill you, I'll allow you to make some memorable last statement.
HECTOR:
Please treat my carcass with respect.
ACHILLES:
Denied.
He throws his spear into HECTOR's face. A line of Greek soldiers come by, and each one does something humiliating to his corpse, such as putting his hand on his own ass. The Greek soliders head to the coast, ready to leave.
MENELAUS:
Well, let's set off, shall we? Hey Odysseus, aren't you coming?
ODDYSEUS:
Yeah yeah, I'm just going to insult Poseidon for a while. I'll catch up with you later.
Everyone else rolls their eyes and sighs. The last two bars of "Shave and a Haircut" play, and the screen fades with an inward circle wipe.
FIN
