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Renzo's Shorts' Rant

My Guest Column


Hello, everyone. Yes, it is I - the man you have all come to so love and admire. As you may remember, my thrilling action adventure Planet of the Napes was one of the first features to be hosted here at Renzo's Rant way back in the summer of 2001, before there was anything funny on the site. Back in those days, Renzo's webpage was struggling, having little content other than that horrific ass chart and the page about that Slotkin woman. I think it's safe to say that my project single-handedly saved Renzo's Rant from becoming doomed to obscurity like so many cheesy, poorly-constructed sites hosted for free by Angelfire or Geocities. (For an example of how bad it was, see a dramatic reconstruction made by yours truly here.)

Anyway, a few weeks ago I received an email from Renzo asking me to write a series of guest articles for his webpage. Before we go any further, let me clear a few things up. First, my email is shorts@renzosrant.tk. Contrary to whatever Renzo may say, I actually do accept marriage proposals (but only from hot girls; see right). Unfortunately, due to the extreme excess of such proposals and my relatively small amount of free time in which to read and/or accept them, don't expect a reply within a year. Also, don't mistake my use of a Renzo's Rant-hosted email account fool you into thinking that I actually like this site or anything. I just use it because of its convenience and superior spam-filtering techniques.

But let's get back to the point. Renzo asked me to do a few guest articles for his site, presumably because he's too busy making out with Swedish supermodels in the back seat of his yellow Italian sportscar. Or maybe playing video games in his basement apartment. Whatever it is that unsuccessful webmasters do these days. Normally, of course, I would have laughed derisively in his face, in a situation something like the following:

Renzo: Hey Shorts, can you do me a favour?

Shorts: I wouldn't count on it.

Renzo: Would you write some articles for my webpage?

Shorts: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha h-

Renzo: Oh, come on, what's so funny?

Shorts: -a ha ha ha ha ha ha h-

Renzo: So I take it that's a No?

Shorts: -a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha-

Renzo: Fine then, I'll get someone else to do it.

Shorts: -ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

However, his request happened to coincide with a temporary break in my lucrative acting career, so I found that I had some time on my hands. I had just wrapped filming on Go Go Dancers On The Moon: Let's Drop The Bomb and was waiting for pre-production of The Violentest Monk In Japan to finish. Normally I spend my free time by watching classic movies on mute while playing Kris Kross songs in the background, and pretending that the characters are rapping along with Daddy Mac and Mac Daddy. This time, though, I chose to forego Bogart busting rhymes in favour of thrilltilating my fans by writing a few easy articles in exchange for thousands of dollars. It was only after I had written them that I discovered that not only does Renzo not have thousands of dollars in the first place, but the mere idea of him giving them to me caused him to laugh derisively at me (see above).

In the end, though, we sorted out our differences and managed to come to an agreement. Over the coming weeks, you can look forward to several updates from your favourite actor, which I'm sure will be the highlight of your year (especially if you frequent this pathetic website). They will, I can assure you, be a welcome relief from the decidely unhumourous content you're used to receiving from Renzo, as they will have nothing to do with whining or taking cheap shots at Carrot Top.


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