This week I decided to try something that I haven't done before - create an update while drunk. Of course, on my meager budget I can hardly afford a diet of uncooked Beefaroni straight out of the can, let alone enough alcohol to get drunk. Being the determined kind of guy I am, I decided to continue anyway, and just create the update as though I were actually drunk, estimating at what things would be like.
Why, you ask? Well, a few weeks ago my housemates and I went out for an evening of drinking and pool. We headed to the local pool hall (a quality establishment, surprisingly), and played a few rounds. Now, while I was drinking, it was nowhere near enough to explain what happened next. I only had a couple of drinks, so I'm fairly sure that I didn't imagine the following events. But as we all know, humourous anecdotes are always a lot funnier if they're told while you're drunk, or if you were drunk while they happened. Thus, I'll pretend both of those were true, and tell my story as though I was highly intoxicated both then and now. For added realism, the incoherence will increase as we go along, and I'll be illustrating with crudely-drawn images made in MS Paint with my left hand and my eyes crossed.
The evening began innocently enough, as the droobs and I headed out for a little of the old ultra-billiards.
Once inside, we encountered a most peculiar sight. An elderly gent, no higher than a young girl's knickers, approached us and inquired as to whether he could appropriate our table. His attire was most capricious, as he sported accoutrements long past their sesquicentennial.
Okay, so once he's invited himself into our pool game, he goes around the table and gives a Ricola candy to everyone, and as he's doing so, whispers that it's some kind of aphrodisiac. If there's anything creepier than a 94 year old man (oh yeah, he was 94) giving you a cough drop and telling you that it will make you horny, I don't want to know what it is. Also, at this point he seemed to have picked up some inexplicable New York accent.
So like, yeah, we move onto the pool gamne, right? And yo, this dude, he's like totaly cleaning up. He's like fuckcing Minisota Fats, man.
Oohhhhh man...thiss guy he sanked like ALL off teh ballls in ONE turn im telling you man...and fukc he was like some kind of Aussie basstard by the end...
So yeah, after duping us out of all of our money à la The Sting, he went home because 11 PM was far too late for him. We went home and immediately ate our Ricolas in the hopes that they would not only make us horny, but also magically conjure several attractive and open-minded women. We were, of course, correct.
