Well, the day has finally arrived, my American compadres. The hour of reckoning is upon us. I've been watching the TV coverage, and it seems that Bush and Kerry are closer together than my eyes after seeing Bruce Vilanch naked (link not as bad as it sounds, trust me). With third-party candidates appealing to a laughably small minority of voters, what is John Q. Neither-Republican-Nor-Democrat-But-Doesn't-Want-To-Waste-My-Vote-On-Nader to do to see his choice in the White House?
Well folks, I've created a solution. I'm putting forth a candidate that I think we can all agree on, no matter what our various political opinions or sexual orientations may be. Since I'm backing his nomination on the day of the vote, I don't think there will be time to add his name (and what a name!) to the ballots. This means that he won't even be a third-party candidate, and will have to be elected through sheer volume of write-in votes instead. But have no fear, for I whole-heartedly believe that this man is more than capable of being the first fourth-party write-in American President since the debacle of 1908 that saw Marty A. Finklestein assume the office of the Presidency after the nation experienced a series of drunken parties the day of the election.
Yes, it's loveable old Lobot, the kinda-but-not-really-a-robot second in command to the coolest (not to mention only) black man in a galaxy far, far, away: Lando Calrissian. Lobot doesn't say much, but what he lacks in vocal prowess he makes up for with a really cool piece of metal attached to his head. Plus it's set up to receive remote signals from Lando himself (who I assume will be nominated to the position of Vice President), so you can rest assured that even if Lobot were in some way deafened or otherwise incapacitated, he'd still be able to know what was going on.
Although Lobot is quite unexperienced politically, he is a fast learner. Aides close to the mysterious man say that he mastered the hully gully in a matter of minutes, which was even faster than former President Jimmy Carter. Under his stewardship, Cloud City's crime has gone down and shady deals with Masters of the Dark Side have only risen slightly. He has petitioned tirelessly to address the city's "countless tiny, unrailed, pointless catwalks over bottomless pits" problem, and is currently in the process of renovating the broken droid sorting assembly lines.
If you still don't know which of the candidates most appeals to you, Renzo's Rant has compiled a series of comparative charts to demonstrate their respective positions.
 | Higher taxes for the wealthy. | Legalised abortion and gay rights. | More protection for the environment.
 Lower taxes for the wealthy. | No abortions or gay rights.
| Exploit the environment for economic gain.
|  Lower taxes for bacta growers, but higher taxes for nerf herders. | Abortions for Jedi only, and full rights for all 15 sexual orientations of the Mon Calamari people.
| Only exploit planets that are about to be destroyed by the galaxy's most powerful space station anyway.
| |
|---|
| Increase in the value of education. | Better foreign relations. | Phrase "There's no other kinds" added to U.S. Constitution.
| More anti-terrorism funding, fewer terrorists. | Worsened foreign relations.
| Exchanging lives of Alaskan baby seals for more oil drilling.
| Protect Cloud City from Imperial interference at all costs. | Reestablish trade with Corellia.
| Waylay Boba Fett's schemes.
| |
|---|
| Massachusetts | New Hampshire | Vermont
| Texas | Alabama
| Georgia
| Yavin IV | Bespin
| Endor
| |
|---|
People, this is going to be the easiest choice of your life. When you head to the polling stations today, remember the following: Bush wants to kill everyone and John Kerry tried to kill James Bond. Only Lobot fights for your freedom to practice the Jedi religion while keeping dangerous Kessel spice off the streets. So do the right thing, and vote Lobot as your President of choice.
Twice. He tried to kill Bond twice.
