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Renzo's Rant

Kideo


One of the most enduring memories of my childhood is the world-wide cultural phenomenon known as Kideo. And no, I'm not talking about Kideo TV, which was the collective name for the cartoons The Get Along Gang (pictured right), The Popples, Rainbow Brite and Ulysses 31. Although my family did have several Get Along Gang toys and mugs. But we also had cool toys like the Ninja Turtles tank that fired high-speed pizza projectile discs, so I guess that kind of evens things out. That thing was quite possibly the greatest invention known to mankind since helium.

Also, while we're on it, there was something vaguely homoerotic about Ulysses 31 that didn't occur to me at the time. It's strange how some things that are so obvious to the jaded adult mind go right over a kid's head. Actually, I guess the show's nature shouldn't be that surprising considering it came from the decade that created G.I. Joe, Transformers, and the all-time king of homoerotic cartoons, Masters Of The Universe. There was more gay power in one of He-man's rippling biceps than in all of San Francisco. And it would take a blind moron to miss the fact that Skeletor is, in fact, a giant penis in a hood. I guess God did "make (Prince) Adam and Steve" after all.

Anyway, back on subject. I'm talking about Kideo, the gentlemen seen here. They starred in a little-known low-budget Canadian children's TV show, entitled Kids Can Rock And Roll. The purpose of the show, among other things, was to teach kids that they could, in fact, rock and roll. And with names like Ace Manners, Buddy Goodfellow and P.J. Styles, you knew they meant business. The guys were supposed to be some sort of rock band, but it was clear that they had no idea how to even pretend to play their instruments properly, let alone actually do so. Ace apparently thought that one played the guitar by arbitrarily sliding one's hand up and down the fretboard, without actually pressing down any of the strings.

You might have noticed that the guys look like a cross between Kiss and a box of children's crayons. Presumably this was because it was a kid's show, but tried to pass itself off as "radically rad" and "totally tubular" (as were the styles at the time) by cashing in on Kiss' popularity. And despite the title, the show's premise, and the fact that the characters were constantly seen carrying their instruments, there was in fact very little "rock and rolling" in each episode. Did I mention that they all had their name printed on their shirts? You know, just in case they forgot who they were and needed to confirm whether they were Ace or Buddy.

The show was mostly educational, featuring all of the usual after-school morals like why you shouldn't put broken glass in other people's mouths, and how stabbing someone in the gut is not, contrary to popular belief, a victimless crime. Because someone made that shirt they were wearing, you know, and now you've gone and ruined it by staining it with blood. Other features included a segment in which the drummer P.J. would don special glasses that allowed the viewer to see through his eyes (which in this case just so happened to be more of a video camera than eyes).

Tying this back in with the start of the article is the extremely flamboyant nature of the gang. I mean, these guys did everything together, inlcuding playing music and having anal sex. Actually, that one is just speculation - we never actually did see them play any music. But with names like Ace, Buddy and P.J. (or should I say B.J.), we all knew what was going on behind closed doors.

They were shooting heroin.

And yet, despite all this, Kideo has slipped into the ocean of obscurity. I think it's safe to say that I am the only person in the world who has, or will ever, hear of them. Except for this guy, who has become my new hero. He somehow, after four hours, managed to track down the elusive bassist Buddy Goodfellow, who has been living under the assumed name of Billy Armour (not this Billy Armour) in a huge mansion with dozens of beautiful ladies, lighting Cuban cigars with hundred dollar bills. There's even a recording of a telephone conversation they had. Check it out, it's pretty cool.

In conclusion, please buy me another Ninja Turtles pizza tank, because mine is broken.


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