Renzo's note: this update dates back to late 2003, a more innocent, care-free time when a nickel could buy you a whole bag of Fig Newtons with enough change left over to ride the tram back home. It originally appeared, for those that care to know, between the Troy script and the first Invigilator comic (by the way, the highly-anticipated 4th edition is currently in the works, in case you haven't been catching all the hints I've been dropping for a month). Shortly thereafter, it was taken off the main page for reasons I don't remember. This is not necessarily an unusual thing, as several other updates have been shuffled and/or removed over the years. Sometimes it's due to the article no longer being funny (such as that ass chart which was removed when I started to take this site seriously, and until I start getting complaint emails it's not coming back), or due to the controversial/offensive nature of the article (such as the Slotin files, which along with POTN was what really got the site going).
In the case of Janosz, though, I'm not quite sure why I removed it, other than the fact that it trails off in the second half, and it's (in my opinion) not quite up to the standards of humor that I like to uphold. Granted, a few of my weaker updates are kinda border-line (Cough, cough), which is why I decided to give poor old Janosz a second chance at life. Actually, the only reason the thought even occured to me was because I was looking at archived versions of Renzo's Rant on the Way Back Machine, and noticed that it was there.
At any rate, here's an update from more than 1.5 years ago, profiling my brief yet memorable stint as a very enthusiastic if somewhat confused Polish man unleashed upon the IMDB boards. The conversations logged here are only a small portion of all the posts I made, but by now they've all been deleted and I have no way of retreiving them. However, if you're interested you can check out Janosz's movie reviews here.
I recently decided to have a little fun. This isn't out of the ordinary, but this time it was at the expense of others, which makes it even funnier. Using a telemarketer named Janosz as inspiration (I think a reader or two might know what I'm talking about here), I created a fictional guy from Poland with less than a solid grip on the English language. Unfortunately, he had to show up at the IMDB.com message boards, specifically those for Star Wars and the Matrix.
Anyway, things weren't quite as fun as I expected, because no one would respond to me (I wonder why). Here's what I wrote, including some responses from the bewildered board regulars.
The mattrix is greatness, is it not so?
Me: So then no ones has these same feels??? This is bored for fans of mattrix, yes? Where are the Neeos and the lovers of the Gathering of three???
nimrod_18037: I enjoy all three. Few of us there are, though.
Me: Yes I also enjoy all mattrix movies as well!! I was much sad when the Gathering of three was made dead. This caused tears, no?
goodm0urning: I enjoyed the entire trilogy as well.
Me: Yes, another fan of the mattrix!! You enjoys the fight between Neeo and elrod, no?? It is of small stature!!! Other parts of good are the fight of Super and the shooting of guns in the lobby, this is true! All mattrixs are cold, but I was much unhappy when the death of the Gathering of three!
Yepper1: Dude, what the f are you saying? No I'm not going to excuse your English. Log onto some "Matrix International" board and talk about elrod and the Gathering of the three there.
Me: Thanks you Yepper1 for the going to that! I much like to talk about elrod as well as the Gathering of the three, who causes me lust! Her being is that of wonder and her love of Neeo is amaze!! Much did I feel sad when she was dead. her being was for such, no???
prakasha: Dude, what is this? Neeo is can understand, but Elrod?? Is that someone from the porn version of Matrix??
Me: Thanks you prakasha for the porn version understand! I also enjoy to be Neeo and Elrod at the time! Does you also exchange lust with the appearance of the Gathering of the three???
dtrack2000 : I agree [that The Matrix Revolutions sucked]. I haven't laughed so hard since ' There's Something About Mary '. By the time the end rolled around, I ( nor anyone else in my group ) couldn't give a $#!T how they they concluded it. Very BAD as a Matrix movie, but a wonderful comedy for the whole family.
Me:I am upset to report to that I am not one who was looked at such a film as 'There's Something About Mary'. This is a mirth making movie?? They are much liked by me. It is somethings like stars wars, no???
FuzzyWzhe: I'm not trying to insult you, but are you for real? How is it that you know such a rarely used word as "mirth" and the expression "mirth making" but don't know the very common word "funny"? What country are you from? To answer your question, "There's Something About Mary" is a "comedy" or a "funny movie". It isn't science fiction though.
Me: Thanks you FuzzyWzhe I like to make much mirth also!! It goes the expression mirth making to be used rarely, it is true!! My favorites "There's Something About Marys" are the mattrix and stars wars and my favors are Neeo, elrod, the Gathering of three, Hand solo and of course the Spock!!!
UncleJ4: The Matrix endend with "Wake Up" The Matrix Reloaded ended with "Calm Like A Bomb" The Matrix Revolutions ends with---? I'm hoping for "Bulls on Parade", but given the song titles that showed up in the previous 2 movies, I don't think that will be the case. Can any of you lucky ones who have seen it yet tell me which Rage song ends "Revolutions"?
Me: I am much to be angry with machines! The movement of such things causes me many rage, no?? The ones that make such to be with them are of the other variety!!!
[No response.]
This film is I like, but for some!
Me: Well come all! I, the Amaze Janosz, is here for to tell you about the wonderful film Attack of Clones! The best part was when the captain Kirck fights the Count DookDoo, yes? But I did like not when sir Spock battles gango fett, this is true. Others fans of star wars is here, yes? Let us speak, why not???
nshearer01: ?!?
Me: I make excuse for my English. It is less then nice, so please my forgiveness! Does you a fan of stars wars? My favorites are Gango Fett and the darth Father and of course the rath of Khan! What are the favors of you?
SpeedRacer2K: The Wrath of Khan is from Star TREK, not Star WARS.
Me: Yes the trek wars books is a very funny!!! I am wishing that Spock will fly the bird of 1000 years in battle of third movie. This is great, no???
SpeedRacer2K: Trek Wars? What country are you in?
TheSmashMaster_---: I'm sick and tired of all you bastards who claim you're fans of the Star Wars saga, but just not the prequels. In my opinion, if you don't like all the Star Wars films...... You're NOT a real freakin' fan! Personally, I'm in love with all the Star Wars movies, so I think that gives me the right to call myself a true Star Wars fan. How the hell can you call yourself a Star Wars fan, and knock the prequels? In the words of George Lucas, "It's all one long movie." So if you hate one of the Star Wars films, you hate em' all, because all the Star Wars films are ONE BIG MOVIE!
Me: I am scared that I does not agree with you TheSmashMaster ---. Many of the ones do not enjoy to watch the before sequels, or thinks that they are the garbage!!! I am though not one of this kind and like all stars wars the equal, and my favorites characters are Hand solo and Spock!! These are the favors of others, no???
kevindoug: Janosz, what language do you speak if your English isn't that good? Your posts seem to be garbled in a set pattern, almost as if it's intentional. Also almost every post you slip in a completly unrealted character, also with a patern. Ie: you like to include Spock and [captain] Kirk of Star Trek in your Star Wars posts, you slip Elrod of the Lord of the Rings into your Matrix posts. Do you really know these movies, or is this a plee for attention?
Me: Thanks you kevindoug for your plee for attention! I also am much for garbled, and must myself excuse for English! My knowing of movies is good, but english is bad to me and I lots will create wrong name for my favorites!! I also much like to slip Elrod of the Lord of the Rings, this is true!! But what does your meaning of unrealted character?? I am not knowing that words. I make apology for calling elrod his wrong name, but this is from the bad english to me. What is the right names of the elrod??
kevindoug: Elrod is in Lord of the Rings, and does not apper anywhere in any of the the Matrix movies. Spock and Kirk are in Star Trek, and do not apper anywhere in any Star Wars movies. None of these charchters will meet in a movie and none of them will fly the "bird of 1000 years" (Millennium Falcon). You still havn't said what language you speak...
Me: I am sorried kevindoug for the making of my errors!! Not did i realize that the Sir Spock and kirck did not appear until the wars became the trek! I am the guess that they fly the bird of 1000 years in the years after the wars, this is true?? elrod now appears in Lord of the Rings, no?? Does Neeo come also? or does he stay to make lust at the Gathering of three? I am speaking the language of the english, of course!!
kevindoug: Okay, your obviously faking this.
Me: I make many cringes when looking the stars wars movies, it is true! Luke skywaker does much to wine to his uncles at the start. This exchange causes me thoughts of when Spock was lost in the bird of 1000 years, no???
[No response. Hmmmm...]
9LadiesDancing: Two things: One, after Episode III comes out, I'd like to see a re-release (possibly in 2007) of all six episodes in theaters, in their proper order (I-VI), similar to what they did with the "Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition" in 1997. Also, I'd like the DVD's to answer Frequently Asked Questions, like they have on the "Back to the Future" trilogy DVD's. Anyone else?
Me: I am wishing for the include of the back-of-sets photos and films!! George lucas is of the stature to make such an exchange, no???
[No response. This is becoming common.]
Refrax2: Boba Fett is about 15 at the time of Episode 3. No way in Hell could he kill Mace Windu. If he did take some sort of growth hormone, as some people speculate, It'd be really funny if he disintegrated Mace in front of Anakin, explaining their little exchange in Empire.
Me: Yes distrigration is of much humor!! I also enjoy such an exchange.
[No resp...well, you know.]
ActionKamen: I think Obi-Wan will! He does so to protect the two children (Luke and Leia). He stays close to Luke throught all his childhood (I mean that he lives in the same planet) to protect him.
Me: Yes the droids cause much unhappiness to obeewan, no?? I am wishing for to be there a scene for droids to meets with Spock, this would pleasure me much!! Others has this desire, yes???
[Nope.]
9LadiesDancing: "in Lucas's original script, which i have read, Anakin is finally pushed over to the Dark Side when he decides to join the Republican Party." This sounds a lot like Ronald Reagan to me.
Me: Yes, Ronald ragan is most amusing me!! He is to the ways of Hand solos, this is true!!! Does other ones agree that he to me causes mirth??
[Man, what's with these people?]
Sifo_Baggins: Ok - I've had a bottle of wine, so here comes a confession. I have over Star Wars. I'm not normally the sort to get all gooey eyed over films, but there is one part (just one) of the whole Star Wars saga that will reduce me to tears every every every time I watch / listen to it. so, go on, share your moments with everyone else - Are there any other bits which really get you, or does anyone else feel terribly sad when Jedi finishes??
Me: Many tears did I drop when I watching the stars wars!! The times particular are when hand solos gets carbonated, and when Spock must be searched. Others find these unglad, yes??
[No.]
In conclusion, these morons ruined my opportunity for fun. I was giving them gold, and they ignored it. Oh well, Janosz will have to come back some other day.
Update! Well, it's another day, and he's back! Updates have been made, and Janosz now has his own website! Click here to check it out! The guestbook and message board, unfortunately, are currently offline.
