Normally when a disaster happens, we try to prevent it from happening again. Occasionally something slips through the cracks - World War II after World War I, Nagasaki after Hiroshima, Carrot Top's younger sister after Carrot Top. But usually, people are smart enough to react to such a horrific occurrence in time to make it an isolated incident. Unfortunately, we're about to add another one to the list.
By now I'm sure you've had the pleasure of hearing about the new movie Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. Now maybe I'm just remembering things completely backwards, but I seem to recall that the first Baby Geniuses was the cinematic equivalent a post-prom puke fest. I mean, you didn't need to even watch the movie to know that it was going to make you cry more than The Colour Purple and Beaches combined. It consumed Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd the first time, and now it's come back for the soul of Jon Voight, who plays the villain. And yet, I'm perplexed by the number of websites that describe Superbabies as "the sequel to the smash hit Baby Geniuses". Smash hit? While those are two things that I'd like to do to the people who wrote this movie, I doubted that they could be applied to the film itself. So I did some investigating, and discovered that the first film, which cost $13,000,000 to make, only grossed $27,000,000. Not exactly what I would call a rousing success.
Now, as most of you will already know, babies have very few practical uses as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps their most functional use is as a convenient and cheap source of food. Thus, I'm suggesting a radically new plot for the sequel - this time around, those wise-cracking kids must fight off a big fat guy who's trying to eat them. You know, struggling for their very survival from being slowly and painfully digested alive. The big fat guy would be the hero of the movie, and would be lauded and rewarded if successfully ate all of the kids, which he of course would. And the best part is that Jon Voight has been letting himself go recently, so we can hang onto him for the role. Check out my version of the movie:
"Three babies, please."
Reacting quickly, the kids headed to their secret hideout to transform into their super-hero alter egos.
They even called in some help from a former enemy - a kid that ate one of their friends in the first movie. But even he was powerless to stop the power of Jon Voight's evil stomach!
"These chocolate bars are less stringy than babies."
Going undercover, Jon Voight underwent facial plastic surgery in an attempt to infiltrate the babies' base. But somehow, they saw right through his disguise.
He then ordered some meals on wheels.
Having finally satiated his raging hunger, Jon Voight returned to his mansion, where he received a congratulatory visit from Sir Mix-A-Lot.
Now that's what I call a good movie. If you are reading this and you're Jon Voight, I apologise. If you are reading this and you are not Jon Voight, I apologise to you on his behalf.
