"What is this, some kinda tube? Bob Dole don’t need this."

Bob Dole, The Simpsons

Aliciana woke up in a tube. But not just any tube, mind you, it was a green one, filled to the brim with liquid she was breathing, somehow. She turned to her left, and saw Ed floating in a tube much the same. He seemed to be getting less zombified. Imps scurried to and fro, checking bio-signs and the like. Aliciana looked forwards, and saw the woman Ash called Fate watching her.

" Let me out!" she gurgled.

" Seeing as how you are awake, let me introduce you to your new surroundings. This is the Tube of Regeneration and Instillation. You are going to help Ash out by learning how to control your psychic powers. If you refuse, well, don’t refuse. It won’t be pretty."

" So, you can talk in people’s heads too, eh? I thought I was the only Subject that survived the Laboratory."

" Don’t you get it? I’m a goddamn god! I can do what I please! Now expand your brain cage, missy!"

The water started to bubble.

" I know the tie that binds you two. You must protect him, or you too will die."

Aliciana didn’t hear the last part. Her head hurt too much.

Ash was scratching crosses. He remembered that in From Dusk Till Dawn, George Clooney scratched crosses on his bullets to kill vampires. He didn’t really want to hurt Phil, but a contingency plan always comes in handy at these times. He’d liberated a handgun from the gun shop. What was left of it anyway. He’d had to airdrop his way in, sans parachute. Therefore, debris aplenty littered the ground. Lupinmeyer was driving a school bus, and he was a minute or two away.

A minute or two later…

" Alright Lupinmeyer, I don’t like you and you don’t like me."

" I quite like you, Squire Ash."

" Who cares about that. We’re gonna go in and find out what happened to Phil."

" You mean Lithpicis Von Carfiels, He Who Walks In Days."

" … Right. That’s the guy."

" I have to ask. How was it that your best friend was a centuries old vampire, and you never noticed?"

" Bad depth perception, I guess. Let’s go."

They got into the school bus and headed into the city.

November 4^th, 2001. 23:42

It was a dark and stormy night. The school bus creeped ever closer to the now derelict MTV building. Traffic was slow going, seeing as how thousands of zombies were being called to the same spot. Lupinmeyer and Ash decided to walk it when they got within a block of Times Square. Suddenly, all of the neon signs around them lit up. Letters had been removed, so the remaining ones formed one word. KILL.

The brigade-sized group of zombies around them turned, each wanting a piece. They formed a circle about ten meters in diameter. Lupinmeyer had his crossbow out, liquefying zombie skulls, while Ash used his pistol. Just then, a voice echoed through the streets.

" Stop!"

It was Phil. The zombies stopped immediately. Ash and Lupinmeyer felt themselves lifted towards the top of the MTV building. Phil sat there, on a throne made of skulls.

" Why hello there, Mercutio. So nice of you to join me. And you must be Lupinmeyer. ‘Vampire Hunter Extraordinaire’. You and your stupid cult. All a bunch of morons. So Mercutio, how goes the battle?"

" You know I hate that name, Phil."

" That’s what makes it so fun, Mercutio! Stick around and watch the festivities."

Ash found himself stuck to the ground, unable to help in the fight.

" Bastard!"

" Watch your tongue. I’ve business to attend to."

Ash tried to reply, but found he couldn’t.

The vampire stood. He was still wearing his burial suit, but under it he wore the black Lorica Segmentata. The Sacred Armor of Evil. He walked towards them.

" We have come to defeat you, Vampyre. Stand and deliver!"

Lupinmeyer opened up his vast coat. Inside were hundreds of stakes and small vials of holy water. He threw a barrage of the latter at Phil. These he dodged nimbly, with catlike grace. They smoked as they touched the ground. He then drew his crossbow, pounding five stakes into Phil’s chest in quick succession. Phil staggered, and then continued his walk towards the two heroes. Lupinmeyer was dumbstruck.

" But, but, those were of Rowan-Poplar, which kills all vampires in a three block radius!"

" It’s called Sacred Armour for a reason, you imbecile. Now feel the wrath of the undead, and of the never-living!"

" The Amulet of The Metatron shall defeat you, Vampyre!"

Phil walked ever closer, two meters away now.

" Not the Amulet! My only weakness!"

Lupinmeyer drew a strangely shaped spyglass from under his shirt. He angled it towards the full moon.

" This is where your story ends, Vampyre!"

A beam of purest white emanated from the glass. It struck Phil on the temple. Again, he staggered. It appeared to have done nothing.

" You Vampire Hunters are all the same. Always relying on your meddlesome gadgets. ‘My only weakness!’ How could you fall for that old trick?"

Phil struck like lightning, grabbing Lupinmeyer around the neck with one hand. He lifted him with said hand over the edge, over the neon hell. He was twenty-seven stories in the air. The zombies below grunted eagerly in anticipation of human flesh. Phil leaned close to the struggling figure.

" You are the weakest link. Goodbye!"

Lupinmeyer fell over the edge.

Ash mumbled with horror. The guy wasn’t that bad, he didn’t have to go and kill him! His eyes fell to the ground as Lupinmeyer screamed. He saw the crossbow, lying unattended, three bolts still in the chamber. Phil had only frozen his legs, and Ash could reach it if he tried very hard. Ah, got it!

Phil looked over the feeding frenzy below with amused detachment. He clicked his fingers. Ash found he could move again, and speak.

" You know, I always liked Aliciana, but you never let anyone near her, not even yourself."

" Yo, ugly! Turn around!"

Phil obliged, and caught the three remaining bolts in the face. He crumpled in a heap near the edge.

" For a badass vampire, you were surprisingly easy to kill."

Ash kicked the corpse over the edge.

" See you later, Phil. You too, Lupinmeyer."

An imp scurried over to where Fate watched the Rejuvenation.

"We’re getting some strange readings from New York, Miss Fate."

He handed her a piece of paper. She studied it momentarily, her eyebrows arching in surprise.

" We’re gonna have to defrost these two. Looks like the party’s about to begin."

Ash sat on the edge of the MTV building facing Times Square. There was a rumbling sound behind him. Phil flew up on his newly grown wings. He was a mass of bony outcroppings, with an exoskeleton to boot. Ash looked at him in horror.

" Round Two, bitch!" cried the new apparition.

Mega-Phil flapped his wings in anticipation of battle. He drew a sabre from a scabbard.

" If you should strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine. Obi-Wan, right, Mercutio?"

Ash could only stare.