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Warren 3:16
Mon, February 24 2003 - 7:50 PM
by: Pen14 |
“I want to beat up, him, him, her, not him, him, him, him and her.” Said Warren, age 15, as he sized up the children of Queen Elizabeth High School Monday morning.
We spoke to this disturbed young man after school as he awaited his steed know as City transit and asked him about his urge to kill people.
“Kill people? What? I don’t want to kill people,” The boy in all black said while looking frantically around.
Our first thought was perhaps this is another case of PMS, but, after verifying with the Guidance Councilors, Warren is in fact a male. That ruled that theory out. However we noticed the joystick he holds in his pants, while he hides in the corner. The powers of a Microsoft sidewinder were firmly grasped by Warren.
This reporter’s instinct thought perhaps Warren had a thirst for blood because of some mad crazy video games like Grand Theft Auto 3 or Counter-Strike This reporter went behind enemy lines and asked the mass shooter what type of games he played.
“I’m a fan of scrabble, and candy land.” Almost about to give up I heard Warren say, “YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE BIOTCH.” to an unsuspecting grade 12 Student.
He ran at him like a mad bull, then took 3 swings with his lethal weapons (hands) and knocked down the much bigger Todd.
First there was the Columbine shootings then numerous others. How long will it take before a certain Warren snaps and buys his favorite gun, (Golden gun from 007,) and shoots up the school? This reporter guesses next 50% off sale at the Gun Liquidation sale at the local Gun and Cheesecake Café, where you can get a “piece” and a piece of cheese cake all for a great price.
Warren 3:16, a Misunderstood child that needs you to do everything he fucking says because he has a gun at your head. However Warren started to take his medicine. The Guns fell silent, and peace returned.
This is one Reporter that’s wearing a bulletproof vest to school.
Pen14
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PMS: The Three Letter Word
Mon, February 24 2003 - 7:50 PM
by: DRACKULAW |
That’s right hockey fans, the very touchy subject of crabby ass females that blame all of their actions on this so called, “Premenstrual Syndrome.” It’s a load of period. We here at IHOC spoke with a licensed professional, Dr. Debra Weins.
We asked Debra what exactly pms was and she replied, “Go to hell you freaking perverts.”
I guess it was just that time of the month.
So we did the next best thing. IHOC spoke with Hobo Dan, the charismatic homeless man that knows who really shot Kennedy.
We asked Hobo Dan what PMS was and he replied, “Pms; P as in Pluto, M as in Mass Assassination, and S as in Saddam. It’s a biological chemical agent used to make people ornery, incredibly stupid, and butt ugly. Don’t believe me? During the Clinton administration, Hillary Clinton was accidentally sprayed with this--”
Unfortunately, the raging alcoholic, Hobo Dan, passed out.
There have been many fatalities because of the February 11th PMS bombings and here we shall remember the victims of PMS11.
Billy Clinton, Neil Armstrong, Charlie Chaplin, Bob Farley, Peter Griffon, Godzilla, Hank Hill, Joe Somebody, Jackie legs, Fred penner, Mr.Dressup, Mr. Rogers, Patrick Fitzgerald, Gerald Fitzpatrick, Rudy McGee, Sammy Davis Jr., Adolph Hitler, Gandalf the Grey, Donald Duck, Princess Diana, Oh Henry, and Oh Hungry. There are many, many more, (also all men,) but they aren’t worth the taxpayer’s money to post here.
We shall not stand for this! Men in general across the world unite! We shall fight the war on PMS one step at a time. We shall use mans greatest weapon GITKABMAP Syndrome. That’s pronounced G-I-T-K-A-B-M-A-P Syndrome. What is the importance of GITKABMAP?
It’s short for, “Get In The Kitchen And Bake Me A Pie Syndrome.”
Keep On Keeping On,
DRACKULAW
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Smells Like Teen Spirit
Mon, February 24 2003 - 7:50 PM
by: DRACKULAW |
At this time, there is nothing to suggest that yesterday's “strange smell” was the work of a terrorist group, Natasha’s butt or otherwise. IHOC is conducting a thorough investigation into the cause, but thus far, there is no evidence indicating that this was a terrorist strike against our noses.
It all started on a windy afternoon, Habib Syed, 15 was just minding his own business, pissing into the wind when his stomach began to beckon, “It’s lunchtime.”
Habib arose from his squatting position, dried his hands on his already wet shirt and headed over to the local Tim Horton’s for a Large Tuna baguette sandwich and a donut. “Mmm, mmm, mmm, I can smell the tuna from here,” he said while crossing the street to his favorite restaurant. “Just follow your nose!” said Uncle Tucan, no relation to the Kellogg’s Rooster.
Little did Habib Syed know that the smell was not the smell of 4-month-old tuna fish. No. It was a smell engulfed in darkness. Its rank odor had risen from the pits of hell, A.K.A Natasha.
“I wander why my butth bleeding?” -- Those are her words exactly, no editing was involved, and yes, it is wander and butth -- said dirty skank Natasha. Habib did as his uncle told him and followed the smell, hoping it would lead him to happiness and tranquility. As he got closer the smell got worse. So worse in fact that this reporter had to stop following Habib.
20 minutes later, according to Habib, he reached the summit only to stare at the belly of the beast. He was in great fear.
“I... I was in great terrified, but I knowledged my papa’s last words advice, before I keesed him this today. He say, ‘only use this if you have to’,” Said Habib, “and with those advice, I returned that smell from whence it came.”
We spoke with Mr. Syed and asked him what he told Habib to use only if he had to. “A douche bag and a soap on a rope, I know about those homos! I know where you live homos! ...”
And that about wraps up our story… However this story comes with a moral. This moral is
“If you’re a dirty skank, maybe take a shower.”
I think she needs a little coaching on some basic Feminine Hygiene tips I have.
Keep On Keeping On,
DRACKULAW
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Weight Watchers Weenie
Mon, February 24 2003 - 7:50 PM
by: Pen14 |
“I don’t remember what happened, I was out at a party heavily drinking… iced tea… when all of a sudden I was ambushed by Edina.” said Ben Pearce, 15.
“I was just talking to a friend and then she walked in front of me. I swear it was like a lunar eclipse. I felt so cold.”
Blocking peoples view is yet another side effect of being really, really fat. However, this Michelin Man look-alike’s cause was not to obstruct some young bystanders view, no it was to get laid.
“I was just chilling when Edina asked me if I wanted her to refresh my drink. Looking at my nearly overfull glass of iced tea, I told her it was okay. But you know fat girls - they keep insisting. I saw her mouth foaming so I handed her my glass.” Ben Pearce told us. “When my glass came back, it was foaming like Edina’s mouth. I got really scared and unfortunately when I get scared, I wet my pants. Luckily, my tank was on empty so I drank my iced tea.”
That was the last thing this young man remembers the night of Mark’s birthday party. Or so he told us.
We spoke with “Tubby” and tried to get her story.
“I swear I didn’t know that that prostitute was an undercover cop!” After telling Edina what we were really asking her, she replied with a quick, “Oh sorry, you’re not gonna write that right? I’ll make it worth your while…” This reporter went under the covers to find the scoop on the story. “All I remember is getting bit by that rabid beaver, then giving Ben a roofie, then having sexual intercourse with him. That’s all I did, I swear!”
Just as I thought she couldn’t talk anymore dirty, she muttered, “Natasha Basset.”
We later tried to speak with yet another victim in the recent rapings at Queen E.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I would just like to say: Edina I know you told me to just switch underwear, but I keep falling out of your thong and I don’t want you stretching my skibbys.”
Those crazy lovebirds, Love is in the air. So you might not want to smell the atmosphere cause it really stinks. Don’t get caught getting your pants and boxers pulled off by Edina like Ben Pearce did.
Don’t be drawn to Edina by her “flashy” gimmicks.
McEdina’s! Now serving 5 billion.
The Dollar Menu:
- McSloppy BJ
- McHow The Hell Is That Possible??!!
- McAnal
- Happy Meal – with free sex toy
- Free parfait with strawberry and granola – but only for the six billionth customer.
Have you had your smile today?
Pen14
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Shave the Whales
Mon, February 24 2003 - 7:50 PM
by: DRACKULAW |
Local Mammoth Alenny, 15, has been waging a silent war against herself, or rather, her body to be more specific. This war had been raging on for the past two months, family members told reporters Monday.
"I don't know what her problem is," her father said, "every time she goes into the bathroom, there's some kind of incident. I always hear screaming and the buzzing sound of my electric razor. Shaving with my daughter used to be the highlight of my day, because it’s a father daughter moment!”
Alenny has refused to explain her behavior, denying that there are any problems with her producing way too much hair.
“When I ask her what's going on she acts like I'm being crazy," long time friend Edina, 15 said, "she used to be such a great girl - good grades, good makeup applier, she knew how to mix hair dyes. She was popular…” I guess you might say Alenny had it all; facial hair, nose hair, back hair, pubic hair, armpit hair, ankle hair, finger hair, toe hair, ear hair and of course, a whole lot of ass hair.
“I don't know what's going on," said longtime friend Cameron Semper, 15. "All I know is that when it's cold out, she makes a point to not shave arms or legs. I guess it’s a survival technique.”
Somebody had better tell Mrs. Hairy about Global warming…
Why does Alenny have so much hair? Could she be the queen of hairs? Does she do it to gain affection from long time lover Cam Semper? Is it because of a science experiment gone wrong? Nonetheless, Alenny knows her shavers. “I always gotta shave, and when I shave, I shave.” said 15 year old “Cousin It”.
Here are Alenny’s top 5 picks for hand held razors…
- Gillette Mach 4 1/2 Razor
- Bic FX Razor
- Organic, Environmentally Safe Disposable Razors
- Master Chef’s Butcher Knives
- Venus
Keep on Shav'n
DRACKULAW
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