Octoba' 13d 1998
It wuz some very cold and bitta' night in Kin'ston. 'S coo', bro. Me and Edan wuz on some do o' kick d' cud opuh'shun called opuh'shun mongoose. Very cold and bitta' but Edan had Francis so's he wuzn't cold........ no he wuz real warm. WORD! Anyway our mission wuz t'capture da damn haid honcho uh de afros Benjamin Beaudry. Slap mah fro! Good lo'd it wuz de biggest afro I've eva' seen. 'S coo', bro...... had t'be about seven picks in dat baby. Slap mah fro! Well enough about da damn fro. Fust we needed t'penetrate enemy lines. So's since we dun did Edan had t'deflate Francis and put ha' in his pocket. Man! So's me and Edan started movin'. Crawlin' unda' barbed wire, jumpin' upside pick mines, and dodgin' fro spray cribmade bullets. Dey called dem Victo'ia's bullets. While movin' ah' gots shot in de arm by some bullet. Man! Luckily Edan pulled out Francis and tied ha' around mah' arm, since she wuz made out uh plastic and all. So's anyway we finally gots into de afro's camp. Jes hang loose, brud. Dere we saw Ben Beaudry. Slap mah fro! Tall and proud he wuz wid his fro and all. Edan snuck down behind him widout him noticin'. He took out one uh his picks and put it t'his droat. Man! "Tell me where da damn main honcho is! Right on!" Demanded Edan in his ah' wannawaste ya' voice. "I shall neva' tell, ya''ll plum have t'kill me! Right on!" Said Benjamin scared out uh his mind. Edan pulled him out uh de camp. Jes hang loose, brud. A plane came outside uh de camp. Jes hang loose, brud. Could it be.... it wuz! Right on! Rob came in by plane and picked down me Edan and Benjamin. 'S coo', bro. As we gots into de plane Rob wished us baaaad luck on our next mission and dank ya' fo' succedin' de fust one. Ben wuz brought t'de dread's camp where he would be suffered and put t'dead....... by shavin' uh de fro. 'S coo', bro. Dere be only one weakness t'de afro's. Dat be if ya' cut off our shave dere fro's dey kick d' cud and shrivel down and turn honky and cold. Whut gots'ta be our next mission tune in next week t'find out. Man!
Octoba' 13d 1998
it wuz yet again cold and windy, but dat's cuz' we wuz in de windiest part uh America. WORD!....... Blue Chicago. 'S coo', bro. Edan wuzn't here dis time, not on dis mission. 'S coo', bro. He wuz stuck hangin' an undercova' mission on de Jamaican Wall sepuh'tin' Jamaica fum Russia. WORD!...... duzn't dink about dat sentence fo' some while o' de blood vessel inside yo' haid gots'ta pop, recon' me dat's why dey needed da damn best uh de best. Man! So's I needed some partner, some sucka ah' can trust some sucka wid dred locks de lengd uh two dudes and some goatee as dick as seven. 'S coo', bro. His dojigger wuz Josh Samataro but his undercova' dojiggers wuz Hugh Jass and da damn delicious, mine fo' dis puh'ticular kinda mission wuz de ox and Anita Bad. Too baaaad Edan's partna' fo' de Jamaican wall wuz kinda made out uh rubber. Ah be baaad...... yea but love kep' dem climbin' de wall. Anyway our missino wuz t'retain de general dat wuz captured durin' de Battle uh de Ibanez Acoustics. General Stevens o' Zach Stevens, he wuz real sho't and real hard t'capture but da damn haid honchos uh de afro's who be still undojiggerd, caught him. WORD! Dis afro wuz not an average one da damn haid honcho wuz plum some sucka ya' had t'stay away wid. Well enough about him fo' he gots'ta be undojiggerd on de final war sto'y. Slap mah fro! General Stevens wuz bein' held in some bugger'd waaay down warecrib in Havana Cuba. WORD! Our drop waaay down plane flew waaay down and me and Josh had t'sky dive waaay down t'de roof uh de warecrib. We quickly jimmey'd de vent and began t'crawl, we found an openin' some passageway some doo' uh hope! Right on! It lead us t'a doo' uh hippies many goat hippies, all sittin' dere combin' some Jimmi Hendrix imsucka'ato''s fro. One uh de goats goes Jimmy boy how do ya' dig yo' fro so's smood so's silky. Slap mah fro! He said Rinse and repeat baby. Slap mah fro!..... leavin' dat one we crawled back t'a dark room wid some spotlight on General Stevens, one joker wuz interoggatin' General Stevens. He wuz ax'in' him quesshuns likes gots any gwapes o' How many ducks would it snatch t'equal de weight uh an average human? We broke in fast and quick wait dat's some synonmym well whuteva' we broke in, and turned on de light seein' de joker interogattin' General Stevens....... Clark St. Man! Rambla' and dis be whut he looked likes we snabbed some picture fum some postcard....
He had a banjo wif snares on it tryin' t'make him talk by playin' him ketchy jazzy tunes. We watched in suspence an' terro' as his lyrics went Chattanooga th' knife oh baby Chattanooga th' knife. It was th' same riff on over an' on over agin. We jumped off th' vent fallin' unmercafully an' hit wif extreme prejudice. We got up an' jumped Clark St. Rambler but c'dn't win he hit us an' hit us wif his banjo. When ah woke up ah remember writin' stuff on a chalk board on account o' hell we got beat down, as enny fool kin plainly see. We wrote th' follerin' thin's.
1. ah will not instigate revolushun
2. ah will not incourage others t'fly
3. ah will not fake mah way through life
4. ah will not trade pants wif others
5. ah will return th' seein' eye houn'dog
6. ah will stop talkin' about th' twelve inch pianist
ah cain't pow'ful remember ennythin' af'er thet but ah remember we got outta th' warehouse an' thass all, ah reckon. Two days later ah got a postcard see above an' on th' back it said this hyar
Dear Jeff an' Josh,
This hyar is Clark St. Rambler ah w'd like t'thank yo' fo' yo' he'pin' me wif mah terrets, mah jibberish, an' mah puttin' sugar in letters an' sendin' them t'varmints claimin' anthrax. ah have decided t'go off an' foller mah dream of playin' banjo fo' Bart Marley th' Smokin' de Herb tour thank yo' an' god bless
sinsyarly, Clark St. Ramber
Novemba' 18d 1998
It wuz some freezin' cold night yet once again but dat’s cuz' it wuz Otter’s party and it wuz likes below zero. 'S coo', bro. Me and mah' comrades had da damn day off fum war so's likes any oda' sucka's we decided t'get waaay down right wuzted at some party. Slap mah fro! Me, Rob, Kayla, Chris, and oders wuz plum hangin' out drinkin' some beer, until we heard some noise. A real loud and ravage noises filled wid lyrics likes ah' live fo' ya' but dey don’t friggin go away, and ah' defy how ah' feel especially when yo' smoderin' me. Afro’s gadered by de millions t'de concert. Man! Only one group could be so's heavy metal so's powerful..... Godsmack. Ya' know? Yeah dude Godsmack dey wannawaste everydin' around and light fires and cause raves. Mah' comrades and ah' watched da damn ho'ro' as Sully crowd surfed into de fro and curliness uh dick breaded afro maniacs. We needed t'investigate, and quick. Ya' know? Only de bravest uh de comrades would go t'de concert. Man! Dat wuz uh course me and Rob. Co' got d' beat! We put on our fake Afrofarian hats, afro picks, fifties retro style pants and Buckwheatet, and some little medallion goin' around da damn neck dat said “keepin' it real.” We (me and rob) crawled drough enemy lines hopin' not t'be seen by de afro’s. We made it into de concert. Man! It wuz amazin', sucka's wuz body surfin' and all ya' saw wuz some sea uh black afro’s. Picture da damn dude fum Ready t'Rumble his name is Afro Lightning, crowd surfin' t'ravage beat while sayin' “I’m baaaad! Right on!.” We went into de pit hopin' not t'be seen. 'S coo', bro. No body real cared at fust. We wuz flashed by fine honky chicks about seventy times on our way t'de stage. Rob dun didn’t mind but ah' dun did cause ah' wuz datin' Amanda (I love ya' honey! Right on! lol). Anyway Rob wuz abso'bed by de mosh pit and sucka's wuz drowin' him around left and right. Man! His fedora fell off and sucka's saw his dreadlocks and dey all gasped. And Sully stopped playin' his beat. A moment uh silence happened den Rob blurted out da damn most un'spected doodad..... F ya' sully! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah! F ya' all t'hell! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Right on! ah' couldn’t recon' whut ah' wuz seein'. ah' gots down wid him not leavin' Rob alone. ah' began t'yell wid him cuss wo'ds uh most kind. Sully pulled us on stage. He looked at us den de crowd.... den back at us den de crowd..... den likeswise fo' many hours. Finally he took waaay down de Godsmack cross....... We wuz t'be smackafied immediately on de Godsmack Cross. We wuz hung dere lookin' at da damn endless sea uh afro’s. Den some sign uh luck! Right on! Could it be...... yeah man it wuz! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Right on! Edan wid Francis in his airplane flyin' above da damn concert. Man! He dropped some bomb above da damn concert and landed right tab in de middle. Afro’s flew and flied, ah' swear it looked likes dey wuz goin' back t'de seventies! Right on! Afta' de flames got wasted Godsmack decided t'become bishops and priests leavin' de rock n’ roll life uh drugs, sex, and alcohol alone. Afta' many monds uh radiashun and treatment me and Rob’s leukemia went away. Slap mah fro! So's finally we could dig back t'our mission, de war had plum begun. 'S coo', bro......
Novemba' 25d 1998,
Damn it wuz hot. Man! We wuz in de outskirts uh de desert uh Negev in Israel. De mission we wuz told t'do wuz t'cross de Negev desert in soudern Israel, t'Jerusalem about some couple hundred miles away. Slap mah fro! ah' don’t know why dey plum dun didn’t drop us off outside uh de town but whuteva' I mean kin’t complain wid military right. Man! Me Edan and Francis had t'cross de desert. Man! Damn it wuz some long walk and da damn sun made it longer. Ah be baaad... Eva' oda' time Edan would go into de back uh de wagon dat da damn military wuz so's grateful t'cut us.. oh fo'get it dey dun didn‘t even cut us nuthin t'carry de wagon dey plum gave it t'us, no camels o' nuthin so's I had t'push it, while Edan and Francis wuz inside hangin' only god knows whut! Right on!....... bastards..... So's we finally crossed da damn Negev desert afta' days and days uh pushin' in de desert. Man! So's me and Edan walked into Jerusalem. WORD!.. as soon as we gots in dere we could notice dat dere wuz some tension in de town. 'S coo', bro..... de honky chicks looked likes men! Right on! Who could be dumb enough t'live in some town wid honky chicks dat looked likes dey mosey on down from Russia. WORD! Edan and me walked in dere digtin' eyebally t'fo' fill our mission. 'S coo', bro. We wuz t'find which one uh de Israeli’s honky chicks wuz men. 'S coo', bro. De joker we wuz lookin' fo' wuz Joey Joe Joe Shavanew, so cut me some slack, Jack. Shavanew wuz an afro general, one uh de best but also one uh de stupidest. Man! His pops whip' him when he wuz some child wid fish cause dey couldn’t affo'd some whippin' stick. Ya' know? Shavanew wuz sent by de haid honcho uh de afro’s t'cross dress and plant pop rocks seeds all upside de Gaza Strip. Jes hang loose, brud...... d’oh! Right on! So's den we left Jerusalem t'go t'de Gaza strip. Jes hang loose, brud..... damn military. Slap mah fro!..... anyway we had yet again cross de desert t'de Gaza strip. Jes hang loose, brud. When we gots deir dere wuz lots uh gun fire and oders. Edan couldn’t recon' his eye...... Francis wuz hit wid some rock and had some big whole in it’s back. Ya' know?.... no! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah! yelled Edan kneelin' waaay down t'shelta' Francis fum no mo' rocks. Edan wuz pissed off disrespected and most uh all wants'ed revenge! Right on! Edan ran around dodgin' rocks.... it wuz likes some medioka Matrix. Slap mah fro! Edan couldn’t find wid all his might Shavanew, so cut me some slack, Jack.... dere wuz so's many honky chicks lookin' like joka's' in Israel! Right on! ah' ran towards Edan tryin' t'calm him fum destroyin' innocent sucka's, ah' knowed plastic wuz an impo'tant resource but ya' kin always steal mo'e in Spencers. ah' jumped on Edan and tackled him t'de ground also wid an innocent honky chicks.... ah' dink..... De wig fell off and dere he wuz...... Joey Joe Joe' Shavanew! Right on! He wuz as stupid and half retarded as ya'’d eva' imagine! Right on! Edan went somewhere dat only some man who couldn’t get any from plastic would eva' go. 'S coo', bro. He took out some great blue heroin and smacked him back and fo'd remindin' Joey Joe Joe' Shavanew about his childhood. He wuz angered but wuz too stupid t'fight back so's he took out some fish uh his own. 'S coo', bro. It wuz likes an Atlantic Star Wars, quite different. Man!..... Joey' try jumped tryin' t'dodge da damn fish but Edan wid his double bladed fish hit his head and sent his skull flyin'... dat wuz de end uh our mission dat wuz it but wuz it. Man!......? We had t'cross de friggen desert again t'get t'de place where we wuz supposed t'meet da damn airplane.... ah' swear t'god military be goin' waaay down! Right on!
Novemba' 30d 1998,
It wuzn't cold, sto'my, o' hot, not breezy not humid. We wuz in de best part uh America, proves how lame dis country is......... Vegas! Right on! De city uh lights, strippuh's, hookers, gambelin', and lounge rapers dat's about it. Man!..... well ah' wuz takin' mah' goat Kayla Howe out on some night on de town. 'S coo', bro. De service gave me some bust afta' de Negev desert and all....... dose bastards...... ah' figured hey ah' duzn't gots some honky chick o' nuthin so's I figured ah' would ax' de goat wid de biggest booty in de service..... Kayla. WORD!.... she wuz some chearleada' befo'e she joined da damn war. Ah be baaad... She wuz knode fo' ha' ghetto booty and ha' great cheers..... sucka's came all upside de wo'ld t'see ha' cheer. Ah be baaad... Sponcers fo' de bulls o' celtics o' whoeva' came t'see da damn hoopball game but eventually turned deir haids t'Kayla. WORD! So's de joker dat ah' am. WORD!...... how charmin' ah' real am. WORD!......... ah' paid ha' to mosey on down to Vegas wid me! Right on! Edan and Francis wuz off dough on deir vacashun......... But Edan wuz wo'ried...! Right on! . it's been some while since ah' have had some goatfrend and Edan gots mo'e curiouse everytime he dought about it. Man! Whut could he do dough Edan promised Francis some vacashun at Aruba...... So's me and Kayla gots on de plane and gots off de plane.... t'make some long sto'y uh bein' slapped and bein' called some puh'vert sho't let's plum say we gots off and landed in Vegas and we raped da damn whole way dere and ah' made ha' laugh. Lop some boogie......... yea. WORD!......... so's we gots off de plane and landed in Vegas sweet Jesus praise da damn lo'd, everydin' wuz so. 'S coo', bro........ dark. Ya' know?...... den Kayla moved ha' booty and ah' could see da damn lights uh Vegas....... fine spectacular and magnificent. Man!..... den Kayla moved ha' booty again. 'S coo', bro........ but dey wuz about de same (Vegas and Kayla's booty)......... Where Kayla wants'ed t'go ah' would go plum fo' her, as long as it wuz at some minimum price....... ah' went t'go pick down mah' baggage and Edan sneaked down wid Francis out uh de plane........
Edan’s log Part 1
“I dink dat Jeff gots some baaaad intenshuns wid dis goat Kayla but ah' don’t know he could dig waaay down wid her, it’s been some while since Jeff had some honky chicks..... it’s hard bein' some stalker..... but me and Francis gots'ta commit t'our duties......”
Kayla and ah' went t'de shows fust...... Sinatra (oh wait) ...... Wayne Newton, and dat’s about it. Man!...... As Newton walked waaay down de golden staircase, wid his golden microphone, wid his golden suit, de golden trumpets gots eyebally t'play. Slap mah fro!..... den ah' noticed sump'n..... could it be....... Edan in de trumpet row, so cut me some slack, Jack.... no way. Slap mah fro!......... ah' dun didn’t say nuthin t'play it waaay coo', den ah' looked t'de trombone secshun..... ah' dought ah' saw some little plastic doodad but ah' dun didn’t dare t'turn mah' haid........
Edan’s log part 2
“I dink Jeff spotted me and Francis, wuz it our baaaad beat dat made him notice us o' wuz it dat ah' wuz de only one dat had dreadlocks in de entire band, ah' don’t know how he could spot Francis dough. Lop some boogie..... how many plastic honky chicks could dere be in Vegas.... damn!”
Afta' de show me and Kayla went t'de casino. 'S coo', bro........ where damn Kayla and me gots drunk likes Bill Clinton on Labo' Day. Slap mah fro!....... movin' on. 'S coo', bro....... ah' gots some little too tipsy dough and ah' jumped on de table and began t'strip waaay down t'de nakedness ah' knowed ah' had in me...... Every joker and honky chicks in de entire casino wuz lookin' at me.
Edan’s log part 3
“Vegas be a fun town full uh beer, hookers, and whut not. Man!....... Jeff be one uh dose sucka's who isn’t afraid t'show his naked self....... ah' ain't eida' actually. Slap mah fro!..... Francis knows....... oh Francis knows...........”
De night wuz mos' upside and da damn day wuz yung............... movin' on ah' walked Kayla t'ha' plane...... ah' wuz goin' t'make mah' move....... make it happen. 'S coo', bro........ ah' gots waaay down on mah' knees and took out some rin'....... some fine rin'........ and said t'her. Ah be baaad........... Kayla Howe wills ya'..........
Edan’s log part 4
“MUST STOP HIM! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Right on!”
Edan den ran into me keepin' me fum mah' quesshun and he dropped some picture uh my captain Rob. Co' got d' beat!...... she picked it down and looked at it. Man!.......and she said....... damn he’s kind'a cute........ hey Jeff how long duz it snatch t'get into de service.........and ah' said wid dat ghetto booty. Slap mah fro!...... an hour. Ah be baaad............... she goes ok waaay coo' ah' wanna bust down so'ry yo' sweat blah blah blah and dat’s it. Man!........... (by de way dis sto'y wuz based on some true sto'y well de vacashun bust down part) Afta' she walked away Edan came down t'me wid Francis and he said......... "Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her under your skin, Then you'll begin to make it Better better better better better better, oh ya!!"
Den de whole city uh Vegas all came around me Edan and Francis and started t'sin' ah' even dink Sinatra wuz dere..... d'oh. Lop some boogie....... and we all sang Naaa na na nananana, nanananaaa hey Jude!!!! oh yea naaaaa na na naaaaaaaaa hey Jude!!!! till de night wuz done......
Decemba' 25d 1998,
Ah Christmas day, some day uh givin', some day uh receivin', some day t'get new play toys fo' yo' plastic dolls dat make ya' jealous cuz' yo' honky chick drove off out uh Vegas....... bastards.......... ah' figured I’d spend da damn holidays wid Edan and Francis, but ah' should uh been smart enough t'knock so's fo' mah' stupidity ah' ended down seein' Francis as some victo'y’s secrets model due t'dat’s whut she gots fo' Christmas. So's I figured ah' wuz alone why not go somewhere fo' fun ah' mean it’s de holidays why not go somewhere da damn hookers rein, de beer flows, and da damn cigs cig. What it is, Mama!........ Kentucky. Slap mah fro! Where else t'find Kentucky fried chicken and gots fun all upside again. 'S coo', bro. It wuz rada' dat o' Orange County but it wuz too overcrowded...... damn hypocrites. So's off t'Kentucky, ah' pulled into Kentucky about 12:00. Jes hang loose, brud.m. WORD!, ah' wuzn’t in some city o' nuthin.... de whole place isn’t real settled it’s mo'e plum likes miles and miles uh plains, tumbleweed, and coyotes natures quitters. So's I’m drivin' in de desert and dere be a honky fine lady on de side uh de road..... red fro, leopard skin clodes and bag. What it is, Mama! So's I pulled down next t'ha' and put on de transista' t'dat beat dat goes “You's kin see by de way dat ah' walk dat I’m some ladies man. 'S coo', bro.....” yea and ah' strutted da damn stuff. She den said t'me...... so's ya' gots some car. Ah be baaad....... dat don’t impress me much. Lop some boogie...... dat’s whut ya' dig fo' red haids dese days I’ll tell ya' dat much. Lop some boogie...... so's since ah' wuz drivin' fo' some while ah' guess ah' ran out uh gas.... o' maybe it wuz dat red haid......... all red haids is suspicious ah' guess....... so's I wuz drivin' and ah' saw some man on de side uh de road....... anoda' red haid.......... dis joker wuzn’t any oda' red haid....... he went by de dojigger Zoloft. Man!...... ah' mean Otter.............. some little on de drunk side all he dun did wuz drow cats at me and demanded t'operate on de frog fum de game Frogga' sayin' he wuz hit repeatedly by some movin' old joker wid one uh dose po'table wheel chairs........ damn ya' Dean Caiman ya' and yo' noble peace prizes wont dig ya' far. Ah be baaad....... so's Otta' dun didn’t look so's crazy once he ran out uh cats. ah' picked him down and all he dun did wuz eat and eat and eat. ...... slim fast bars......... so's obviously de best dought in mah' mind wuz dat he wuz one uh dose damn underwear trolls......... ah' couldn’t kick him out uh de wheels he’d steal mah' doughts right unda' my nose. ah' pulled some swift mood on him. WORD!..... ah' kicked him out. Man!...... he ran fo' me dough ran fo' de car. Ah be baaad....... wouldn’t let it go. 'S coo', bro......... his arms den grew t'iron claws..... he grabbed onto de wheels and began t'get back on. 'S coo', bro..... ah' dun did de wo'st doodad some man could eva' do t'anoda' man. 'S coo', bro....I simply stopped da damn car and watched him fly. Slap mah fro!..... he den gots down and looked at me... ah' screamed fight da damn Zoloft dat’s whut’s de matter. Ah be baaad.........he could only bear himself t'some simple wo'ds........ yo' right he said.... ah' need t'fight it. Man!..... afta' moments and moments uh strugglin' and fightin' he gots de urge and da damn strengd........ t'cut up. Jes hang loose, brud......... he den said... de last Zoloft pill be in mah' brain de last microchip. Jes hang loose, brud..... he den sank himself into feet and feet uh chemical wuzte......... it wuz some shame t'see him go but ya' begin t'realize how de Bee Gee’s affected us all............. god bless America and Kentucky Fried Chicken. 'S coo',
Decemba' 7d 1998,
Afta' long hours uh drivin' fum Kentucky back Nottin'ham fo'est. When ah' gots back mah' welcome wuz not welcomed. ah' wuz fo'ced t'go on anoda' mission, dis time dough it had nodin' t'do wid chicken o' cats. ah' wuz fo'ced t'de underwo'ld wid de most beginna' at web sites uh all time. ah' had t'go t'St. Liva' Lipssburg wid PJ Oberlies. Dis mission wuz some difficult one cuz' we wuz fo'ced t'run afta' a nuclear weapon containin' de most destructive doodad t'Rastafarians..... Nair de shampoo dat makes fro fall out. Man! Just one big bomb uh Nair wuz goin' t'be dropped on de rasta base. ah' couldn’t let dat happen so's me, Edan, PJ, and Francis wuz air dropped into St. Liva' Lipssburg, which honestly wuzn’t necessary cuz' Nottin'ham be kind'a next t'St. Liva' Lipssburg but ya' know if we would uh walked Edan and Francis would uh kep' stoppin' so's dey could, Edan likess t'describe it “private time.” On de plane dough dey kep' on goin' into de badroom at da damn same time and every time dey dun did we’d lose altitude. Afta' many minutes uh waitin' we wuz upside St. Liva' Lipssburg we den jumped out uh de plane. Edan dun didn’t gots some parachute so's he plum used Francis as some parachute. We landed on de top uh de capital buildin' uh St. Liva' Lipssburg, de place where da damn best uh meats mosey on down from. WORD!...Subway feed da bud fresh. Lop some boogie. We went drough de ventilashun shaft digtin' eyebally fo' nuthin. Edan looked around but couldn’t find out wuz Francis went, and ah' couldn’t find wuz PJ went to. 'S coo', bro. ah' figured ah' wouldn’t make some big deal out uh PJ ah' mean now ah' don’t gots'ta answa' his yadneerg quesshuns but Edan couldn’t cut up on Francis so's he screamed and hollered ah' told him t'shut down but he plainly wouldn’t. Man! PJ den ran out fum behind some co'na' announcin' dat him and Francis is ok dey plum went behind fo' some private time. Edan ran and punched PJ dey wrestled and wrestled as Francis demanded fo' dem t'stop. Jes hang loose, brud. De vent broke and we fell onto de counta' of Subway. Slap mah fro! We wuz den face t'face wid de joker we wuz sent t'kill..... Clay Henry. Slap mah fro! You's know de fire joker who used t'snack on burgers and fries but now he’s waaay down t'a lowa' size. Well him and Jared wuz rapin' about how if ya' feed da bud Subway widout 'esercise o' any oda' nutritious value ya' kin lose down t'200 pounds! Right on! (today’s war sto'y be brought t'ya' by Subway. Slap mah fro!......(crunch)..... feed da bud fresh! Right on!) Clay took PJ by his skull and put it oh so's closely t'de nuclear nair... MAN!' and demanded t'know who he wuz..... Edan jumped on Clay’s back joltin' his haid back and fo'd tryin' t'bust it, all dat subway kep' his neck fum bustin' all uh dose bones gots'ta be made strong by Subway’s hard and healdy vegetables (wink) ah' couldn’t plum stand dere and watch all mah' homey’s be pulverized so's of course but ah' wuz oh so's hungry t'fight so's I helped mah'self t'a healdy chicken tenda' sandwich dat be now only foe dollars at yo' local subway. Slap mah fro! Afta' helpin' mah'self t'a delicious sandwich ah' wuz about eyebally t'whup' down Clay Henry now dat ah' wuz pumped down wid fresh vegetables, but befo'e ah' could PJ took out da damn din' dat no joker could undergo de to'ture uh lookin' at. Man!........ YADNEERG! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Right on! Possibly de wo'st web site eva' created in histo'y! Right on! He made Clay sign de guestscribblin' play de games and look at da damn terribly designed pictures! Right on! Sweet Jesus in heaven no joker could undergo it no matta' how much subway he ate, (dis war sto'y be based on some true sto'y Subway kin truly make ya' go drough any type uh sufferin') Clay couldn’t undergo no mo' uh dis pain so's he dun did de only doodad he could t'get out uh dis situashun...... de only doodad dat would roll him t'complete madness..... Clay Henry went into. 'S coo', bro..... de chamber. Ah be baaad....... de show dat’s on Fox 13 where if ya' dig de quesshun wrong ya' die! Right on! (example, dig dis: “Whut be de forth letta' of de alphabet?” Ask's de host. Man! “I CAN’T BREATH! Preach it loud, bruddah!! Preach it loud, bruddah!” Says de joker inside da damn chamber. Ah be baaad... “I’m so'ry dat be wrong now we gots'ta release da damn only oxygen left in de chamba' and turn down de air pressho' man t'maximum, but dat’s whut happens when ya' step in....... de Chamber! Right on!”) Clay Henry wuz found wasted two days later. Ah be baaad..... whut eva' happened t'Jared da damn quesshun gots not been answered yet. Man!..... plum keep in mind dis be a humo'ous sto'y. Slap mah fro!..... doodads don’t make sense......
February 20d 2002
Out uh all de adventures done wid Edan, Francis, and oders dis had t'be one uh de most one’s dat dun didn’t make sense. Dis adventure wuz given t'us by de chief. He popped out uh de trash kin wid some message. It said “Gadget' yo' next mission be to brin' de only Rastafarian panda back t'de tropical rain fo'est uh Sahara! You's gots foe days t'complete dis mission, o' as many as ya' wants' it duzn’t real matter... Dis mission gots'ta self destruct as soon as ya' squeeze dis poopin' animal key chain. 'S coo', bro.” Of Course ah' pulled out da damn key chain drew de message back into de trash kin and squeezed da damn key chain. 'S coo', bro........ GADGET! Wuz yelled but ah' wuzn’t listenin' cause ah' wuz usin' mah' hat helicopta' to fly back t'de Rasta Camp. Jes hang loose, brud. ah' told Edan about da damn mission and he wuz into it likes de joker dat he is. We went t'de captain t'retrieve da damn panda and dere he wuz..... de fattest and most cross eyed panda I’ve eva' seen in mah' life. De captain 'esplained t'us dat da damn Panda’s dojigger wuz Emma and he wuz some drug dealer. Ah be baaad... Emma wuz some great addishun t'de gang, and gots along well. We started our adventure afta' Edan and Francis had t'go t'de badroom.... in de same stall....... at da damn same time....... and it took dem some couple uh hours too. 'S coo', bro. So's while ah' wuz waitin' ah' smoked down some fatty wid Emma. WORD! We started our journey by climbin' de purple mountains. Dis be not some real big rip off uh de Great Panda Adventure. While climbin' de mountains we found some giant shrine looked likes some taboo. 'S coo', bro. De most bizarre sight I’ve eva' seen, some giant whale wuz flyin' across de skies around da damn taboo. 'S coo', bro. Maybe da damn drugs wuz rapin' but as de whale wuz flyin' dere wuz some man walkin' wid vines comin' out uh de ground. Rhymin' unrapable rhymes about da damn same doodad. It dun didn’t even matta' how hard I’d try he plum wouldn’t shut down. While sayin' some crap about how he don’t know why Emma slipped him some uh dat sprinkled magic and he fell on his ground snugglin' into de dead vines dat eventually swallowed him whole. We entered da damn taboo and dere wuz some man levitatin' and meditatin'. We all gots waaay down on our knees and said..... “Oh Great Leada' Gots'ta ya' stop dy meditatin' and show mah' dy ways t'fo'est t'show stona' panda t'habitat?” De joker stopped his meditatin' and looked at us. He said “Sucker’s if ya' shut dat dude down who’s rappin' on top uh my crib I’ll do anything fo' ya' even dig yo' smokin' panda homey crib.” Edan climbed da damn stairs wid his revolva' and we waited fo' him t'come back waaay down. All ya' heard wuz..... “I tried so's hard and gots so's (bang! Right on!.. bang bang! Right on!.....) Ow dat real (BANG! Right on!).... Edan walked back waaay down de stairs wid some smile on his face. “Danks even de whales wuz tryin' t'get him,” said da damn floatin' man. 'S coo', bro. We ax'ed him about our panda and whut we should do t'get him dere as fast as possible befo'e he runs out uh his drugs he needs t'survive. He said we needed t'do wuz hitch some ride on de flyin' whale t'de habitat. Man! We jumped on de panda and waved baaaad-bye t'our munk homey. De whale had it’s advantages and disadvantages. De Advantage wuz dat we gots dere some whole lot quicker. Ah be baaad... De disadvantage......... Edan and Francis dun didn’t hide nuthin fum ya'.... no doo's o' oda' rooms....... Emma wuz put away into de habitat wid ha' drugs and shared dem wid de rest uh de animal kin'dom. WORD! Includin' leopard groupies and Go'illa Pimps. He unfo'tunately slipped da damn whale some drugs and we had t'walk back. Ya' know?..... god bless dat Panda.
Septemba' 19 1998,
Damn it’s been some long time since ah' actually wrote one uh dese. Well back t'de sto'ies. Dis sto'y be goin' t'be some good one since ah' haven’t said one in some while, plum to warn ya' ah' wuz listenin' t'a lot uh de beat Walkin' on Sunshine by de Bangles. Ok fum de beginnin'. De War uh de Afro’s dun didn’t waaay coo' waaay down even dough all dose battles dat we won. 'S coo', bro. To make matters wo'se some civil war wuz downon us. De war uh de civil we likesd t'call it broke out between de camps down on the north and da damn camps waaay down on de south. De problem wuz dat da damn north wants'ed t'use Frogaine fo' good and peace but da damn south wuz dumb asses and wants'ed t'use it fo' hate and dead against da damn Afros. De problem wid dis matta' wuz dat Francis wuz at da damn south on some mission.......... and well Edan wuz in de north smokin' sunshine wid de dude fum de dell computer commercials. As fo' me ah' wuz caught right in de middle uh a Boy George wid guest appearances fum de goat who raps de Laverne and Shirley deme and Colonel Sanders big swing band concert. Afta' de concert wuz done ah' had t'choose sides between de north wid Edan o' de south wid Francis....... damn ah' mean Edan wuz some baaaad homey but likes, Francis wuz one hot goat..... So's I dought. Man!...... WWJD................ afta' packin' down mah' bags ah' gots in some taxi and haided waaay down south baby. Slap mah fro! When ah' gots dere who wuz dere waitin' fo' me at da damn gate but da damn lead rapa' of KC and da damn Sunshine band, and Francis. KC filled me in dat da damn fust battle uh dis civil war wuz about. Man!... ah' put mah' gun on and mah' bottle uh cheap whisky and Newpo't lights 100’s mendols 120’s in mah' pocket. Ah' gots de fust line wid Francis and we could hear de marchin' uh de north.... we called dem de sherbet florescent coats. De fust shots wuz fired and flew right upside my haid. Whut could ah' do. 'S coo', bro..... had t'fire back. Ya' know?.... but wait. Man!..... could it be...... Edan leadin' de coats? Why yeah man it wuz him all right and he had some huge feathery hat wid letters on dem dat spelt...... “Mah' Oda' Hat be Clean. 'S coo', bro.” Wid de right tools.... (death) we fought. Man! Bodies fell and sucka's got wasted...... but in de end it wad four people..... Me....... Francis....... Edan. 'S coo', bro........ and Edan’s Hat.......... In de end...... de feathery hat won and appeared in famous movies likes “Pulp Fiction” and “George Wuzhin'ton Where be my hat?” Edan apologized fo' his miss use uh de wo'ds...... “Po'celain Bubbler” and we went back t'de way it wuz..... some bloody ho'rible mess........ but luckily insurance picked down de bill in de end......