Hi. For those who don't know me, I'm Eric Dabitch. It is my dream to become closer to my animal friends, the Elephant seals, and create my own comedy harem of bitches. This is ericsbitches.co.uk. Those people portrayed on this website have voluntarily, or by trickery, joined my harem and become my BITCHES. I also include those who I aspire to include in my harem. One day, my empire will stretch from pole to pole and the world will be my bitch. Being my bitch involves two simple things. First of all, you must accept me calling you "bitch". Secondly, you must come to heel when ordered to. The advantges are manyfold. First of all, bitchdom is reciprocal. secondly, bitches help each-other out and are always there for each other. I have yet to decide on a secret bitch-handshake, but this will soon follow.
ATTENTION ALL BITCHES: A system of "eric points" has now been introduced. Any particularly good, kind or courageous action will be rewarded by the awarding of eric points. Any evil, bad or weak action will be punished by removal of said points. A running tally will be kept on this website. The bitch with the highest number of eric points at the end of the year will get a nice reward (Haven't decided what yet), while Josie...er, I mean, whoever has the lowest number of eric points, will be punished in proper bitch fashion.
NEW ANNOUNCEMENT: The punishment for the bitch with the lowest number of bitch points at the end of the year will be to be thrown into the cam. This has been decided unanimously by the Bitchmeister and is not to be argued with. Bitch No 1 has pledged help in this.
Latest Eric point news: ...Kath gets 1 Eric point for cooking bacon & eggs for the bitchmeister at 2am...Andrew loses 1 Eric point for shit-stirring...Wayne sets new record by winning 2 Eric points for farting on Kath's leg in a lecture...Kath loses 1 Eric point for refusing to tell the Bitchmeister Wayne's dark secret...Andrew gets 1 Eric point for suggesting above blackmail...Bitchmeister makes pledge, on Kath's reuqest, to make awarding and substracting of Eric points less tenuous...Andrew loses 1 Eric point for throwing the bitchmeister's sock in orange juice...Wayne loses 2 Eric points for having lied about being Half-Belgian...Kath gains 2 Eric point for bitch-grassing...The überbitch Eloise gets 1 Eric point for giving away her seat to the bitchmeister in the pub...Andrew gains 1 Eric point for fitting his whole fist into his mouth...Ben gets 1 Eric point for not leaving tea without Bitchmeister's permission...Kath loses 1 Eric point for not coming to lunch when ordered to...Andrew gets 1 Eric point for standing on the library table and shouting "Eric is god"...Andrew gets 1 Eric point for being the Bitchmeister's Valentine...Eloise gets 1 Eric point for letting the bitchmeister eat her hat...Andrew gets 1 Eric point for pouring water on kat's head, thereby taking the lead on Eric points...Kat gets 1 Eric point for getting to bed before 12.00 having started off the evening at Josie's house...Andrew gets 1 Eric Point for fixing Eric's bag...Josie loses 1 Eric point because the bitchmeister spilt tea on himself...Josie loses 1 Eric point for not saying goodbye when going to the toilet...Andrew and Kat each get an Eric point for correcting bitchmeister's spelling mistake...Josie loses an Eric point for not spotting the mistake, not guessing the website password and not changing it...Kat and Andrew each lose 2 Eric points for giving themselves eric points without the bitchmeister's permission, though shalt respect the bitchmeister's authoritaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh...Kat, Lis, Ruth, Andrew, Spank, Eloise, Ben, Tess, Anais and Wayne all get 1 Eric point for not being called Josie...Tess gets 1 Eric point for feeding the bitchmeister chocolate mints and pistachios...Eloise gets 1 Eric point for realizing the honour and the glory of Eric points...josie loses 10 Eric points, the Bitchmeister is sure there was a good reason for this at the time...Josie receives 1 Eric point for giving the bitchmeister legsie for 5 minutes...Josie gets 2 Eric points for letting the bitchmeister use her leg as a pillow...Ruth gets 1 Eric point for letting the bitchmeister repeatedly head-butt her shoulder...Josie gets 2 Eric points for letting the bitchmeister insert a pool cue up her belly button and twist it...
Bitch number 1 : Kat
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Been a bitch since: August 2002 Level of submissiveness: Complete Bitch duties: Buying Eric ice-cream, tea (when she loses our daily bet), lunch, Tunnocks tea cakes off the nice tea lady, letting Eric play her guitar, or at least she did until some bitch broke it. Not that Josie would ever do anything as clumsy as that. Most likely to respond to: What flavour ice-cream do you want, bitch?
Ingratiatingly obsequious, Kat can usually be found whimpering submissively by Eric's side in the Zoology department at Cambridge. Nefarious Kat usually responds to Eric's bitching demands but when she steps out of line, a sharp tug on her earring makes her comply. One of her duties is helping Eric recruit to the harem. She also is occasionally treated to days out with Eric chasing deer round fields. Occasionally Kat escapes bitchdom for a while so she is free to go and pursue other activities such as photography, climbing inordinately large mountains for the hell of it and running. However, Kat's favourite pastime is work avoiding. She is usually aided and abetted in this by bitch number 2. She also enjoys staying up past her bedtime, either to wander the streets of Cambridge, drink tea in bizarre places or to randomly chat. The usual suspects are invariably involved, namely bitches 2 and 7. Kat eventually wants to have her own harem, but only for the comedy value, not seriously like Eric. To find out all about Kat's latest project, and to give her lots of money go to Kat's London marathon attempt
Bangin'!
Eric points: 4
Bitch number 2: Josie
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: November 2002 Level of submissiveness: Intermediate Bitch duties: Playing squash with Eric, or mollifying him with squash racquets and tea when I don't want to play. Accompanying Bitch Nos.1 & 7 on assorted missions. Most likely to respond to: You're my favourite, bitch
I am Josie, gutted to be only Eric's No. 2 bitch and therefore asserting my independence resentfully and out of spite. I'd rather be wrapping my head around his leg night and day. Squash with Eric is fun because I get to see his legs, though not wrap my head around them. I also have strong loyalties to Bitches 1 & 7 with whom I spend many evenings plotting and many hours eating caramel slices. Eric rarely deigns to accompany us. (secret sniff)
Eric points: -9
Bitch number 3: Lis
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: Birth Level of submissiveness: Never Bitch duties: General first aid, emotional support Most likely to respond to: Any pleasurable stimulus
Despite being duped into joining by another of the bitches, Lis has found
her niche within the Eric harem. In order to maintain the balance of the
Universe, she contributes the pain element to balance the pleasure obtained
by Eric's domination.
Lis can usually be found fourth seat in, third row back in the Zoology
Lecture Theatre, or on a random hillside in the Lakes, with her arm in
various orientations to certain anatomical features of animals. She will
dedicate her life to the welfare and evolution of the much loved species,
the common sheep .random sheep thing , and
will stop at nothing to ensure her dream is made reality - that sheep will
one day rule!! If, of course, Eric will allow this.....
Eric points: 1
Bitch number 4: Ruth
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: 2nd December 2002
Level of submissiveness: Unsurpassed
Bitch duties: The bitchmaster's wish is her command. What more could any
bitch want?
Most likely to respond to: Be my bitch, bitch.
Ruth was converted to bitchdom after a fraught and fruitless period of
resistance. A series of events including defeats in shoulder-butting
contests and squash culminated in the admission of the Bitchmaster's
Scariness and complete submission soon followed. Ruth has no life outside
of bitchly duties. However, if she did, it would probably involve lots of
sport, chocolate, and a bizzare passion for insects.
Eric points: 2
Bitch number 5: Andrew
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since:2nd December 2002 Level of submissiveness:Not very Bitch duties:Strapping rats and pigeons together Most likely to respond to:Teatime bitch
Andrew, has the dubious honour of being the first male bitch. Initially
tricked into being a bitch, he soon came to realise the many advantages
that this brings (well, actually, just the one - cheap plumbing), and now
is dedicated to expanding the bitchhood. Andrew can usually be found in the
Zoology department tea room, where he is currently working with Nick Davies
and Paul Barret on his new theory of reciprocal bitch altruism (R.B.A.) in
ornithopod dinosaurs (not that they know this), which he soon hopes to
publish. He also intends to work with Marcello Ruta, to show the importance
of R.B.A. in the evolution of broad vaccuities in Balanerpeton. When he
occasionally returns to "reality" and is not with the hareem, Andrew can
often be found associating with his fellow Pembroke miscreants, hatching
devious plans. It is rumoured that in a previous life Andrew was a member
of a cult, worshipping a giant talking chicken named Boris, who will return
at the end of time and lead his followers to salvation. When questioned on
this issue, Andrew refuses to comment, only saying that he will have the
last laugh... he always does. Many people think Andrew is strange. He
sees no reason to disagree.
Eric points: 5
Bitch number 6: Spank the monkey
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: 2nd of December 2002 Level of submissiveness: Spanking Bitch duties: Spanking Most likely to respond to: Spank me, bitch!
Spank is our resident Black and White Colobus monkey, living behind a glass wall in the demonstration area of the zoology department in Cambridge (monkey@zoo.cam.ac.uk/museum/taxidermy). Despite being stuffed, he comes to life each week-day after 5pm, along with all the other "dead" animals in the dem area to have a wild party with drugs, alcohol and sexual depravity (probably). Eric accepted Spanky in his harem when he discovered that the perverted little fellow enjoyed being stuffed occasionally.
Eric points: 2
Bitch number 7: Eloise
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: i have always been a bitch… Level of submissiveness: überbitch Bitch duties: caramel slice quality control Most likely to respond to: Eloise, “house”.
Eloise spends her days casting spells, and ruling over her enchanted kingdom from her turret among the gargoyles and the pigeons. Sometimes she descends in order to scuttle between Zoology and Plants in the manner of a double agent. She is capricious in her submissiveness, for she knows she is the überbitch. Tragically, however, her hat is naturally servile and allows Eric to engage in mating rituals with it. When not overcome with excitement at being part of Eric’s harem, Eloise enjoys conversing with inanimate objects, writing Ideas on the backs of envelopes, reading stories, taking pictures, washing seedlings, singing in the rain, sharing caramel slices with other bitches and, of course, her bitchly duties.
Eric points: 4
Bitch number 8: Ben
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: 3rd of December 2002 Level of submissiveness: Minor Bitch duties: Felching Most likely to respond to: Armageddon/F.M.I.T.A.
Eric's felching bitch, Ben is only a minor bitch as he is already conscripted (Holly...). He spends his Thursday afternoons 5-7pm with aforementioned Holly presenting "Ben and Wench" radio show on Cambridge University radio (1350 MW). You can also find the pair on their website Ben and Wench. He spends the rest of his days making grasshoppers sing, exercising his chin and indulging in large male yak anal erotica. Ben decided to become Eric's bitch when he discovered that this involved getting his photo on the website (Ben, the first of the glory hunters).
Eric points: 2
Bitch number 9: Tess
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: January 2003 Level of submissiveness: Rolls onto back and squirts urine whenever her master approaches. Bitch duties: Barking up the wrong tree, retrieving roadkill for the hareem to eat. Most likely to respond to: chocolate
Tess was initially overawed by the supreme command that Eric appears to have over his bitches, but has since found out that a bitch's only duty is to drink tea and make origami birds, or their eggs if the former is too difficult. This suited her fine and she is settling well into the hareem, and is making good progress. She is allowed to keep pet crickets in her bedroom to stop her from chewing the furniture when left alone.
Eric points: 2
Bitch number 10: Anais
Eric points: 1
Bitch number 11 : Chloe
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: Shouting "I want to be your bitch" down a phone line from some bar in Blackburn on the 12th June
Level of submissiveness: Unknown Bitch duties: Recruiting northern bitches in the far off land of lancashire Most likely to respond to: you silly bont
Bitch number 12: Saraaaaaaaaah
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: 25 June 2003 Level of submissiveness: Utter Bitch duties: Cocktail parties Most likely to respond to: Raaaaaaaaaaah!!!
Saraaaaaaaah Davis met the bitchmeister two years ago but has been inhibited by her other half from becoming a bitch until now, when common sense has finally got the better of her. She was brought up by pixies in the back of her garden where she went to war with the poddington peas. After a swift pea victory, Saraaaaaaah returned to her other love, science, though she later quit this to become a philosopher and master the light sabre. If she is not happy with this entry, then she can write it herself, like everyone else.
Eric points: 0
Bitch number 13: Wayne “The Belch” Ellis
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: Failing a takeover attempt in the early hours of 4th December
Level of submissiveness: Jerky Bitch duties: Promoting bitchdom throughout the bitchless community. Most likely to respond to: “Eric is bananaman, bitch”
Wayne is, perhaps, the least known within the harem although recently rose to stardom by winning the chicken competition on the ‘Ben & Wench’ show (see Bitch #8). His dark and mysterious personality had led him to become bitch #13. This is also due to his failed attempt to overhaul The Bitch Lord. He can frequently be found in the Balfour Library researching his project entitled: “The Evolutionary Significance of Fornicating Ewoks”, in his humble abode scoffing Jaffa Cakes or pursuing his hobby of freelance fridge magnet rearrangement.
Eric points: 2
Bitch number 14: Tim
Vital statistics
Been a bitch since: 25 June 2003 Level of submissiveness: Low Bitch duties: keeping the bitchmeister away from geology practicals Most likely to respond to: Pain
Eric points: 0
There now follows a list of those people who I aspire to one day see on my list of bitches. These are people who inspire in me a great sense of awe, and people who simply SHOULD be my bitches (Rachel...).
Nick "birdman" Davies
Marcello "broad vacuities" Ruta
Adrian "the dude" Friday
Rachel "Fuzz" Foster
Now you have seen all my bitches. If bitchdom appeals to you, then why not join my harem? Send a photo and a description of yourself to bemybiatch@hotmail.com. If the contents are not too offensive, I will add you to the harem. Looking forward to bitching you about. The bitchmaster.
Acknowledgements: I would like to give great thanks to Poppy King who, despite refusing to be my bitch, has pretty much single-handedly created this website for me.
Hi. For those who don't know me, I'm Eric Dabitch. It is my dream to become closer to my animal friends, the Elephant seals, and create my own comedy harem of bitches. This is ericsbitches.co.uk. Those people portrayed on this website have voluntarily, or by trickery, joined my harem and become my BITCHES. I also include those who I aspire to include in my harem. One day, my empire will stretch from pole to pole and the world will be my bitch. Being my bitch involves two simple things. First of all, you must accept me calling you "bitch". Secondly, you must come to heel when ordered to. The advantges are manyfold. First of all, bitchdom is reciprocal. secondly, bitches help each-other out and are always there for each other. I have yet to decide on a secret bitch-handshake, but this will soon follow.
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