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Jokes and Such

Volume 1

 

"Researchers at Stanford University say they've developed a drug called 'Celexa' that helps women who are compulsive shoppers. They say it curbs the uncontrollable urge to shop.

In fact, this weekend it goes on sale for 50% off."

 

 

“There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works."

 

 

Two women were at a bar. One said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."

 

"Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

 

 

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.  The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him, "I'm a veterinarian and I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She added irritably, "Why can't you?"

 

The doctor nodded, stood back, and looked her up and down.  He then quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course you realize, if that doesn't work, we'll have to put you to sleep."

 

 

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

 

The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great."

 

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm a god."

 

"She thinks you're a god?  What makes you say that?"

 

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."

 

 

A brand-new reporter was sent out by the editor to cover the story of a man who could sing opera without interruption while he was eating a seven-course meal.

 

The reporter came back and said the story wasn't worth the ink. But the editor wanted to know the details anyway.

 

"Oh, it was a trick," said the reporter. "The guy had two heads."

 

 

'From the 14th century through the 16th century, in France (as in many parts of the world), the celebration of the New Year occurred on Easter. People viewed the coming of spring as a time to rejoice, a time of rebirth and a time of renewal. A time for a New Year.  In 1563 a new king came to the throne of France. The young, pompous King Charles IX's reign would be one of religious wars between the Roman Catholics and Huguenots (Protestants). One of the young King's first acts was to move the celebration of the New Year to the one customarily known today: January 1st. 

 

By 1567, most in France had joined the King's program and viewed January 1st as the New Year. A select few individuals refused to accept the change and continued to celebrate Easter as the New Year.

 

French children would go around taping a paper fish to the backs of others on Easter. The origin of the fish is not known exact. Some say it represents the zodiac sign Pisces, the final sign of the

astrological year. When the individual realizes there is a fish on his or her's back, the culprit shouts "Poisson d’Avril".

 

And this tradition continues in one form or another to this day worldwide. You see, "Poisson d’Avril" is simply the French equivalent of an American term that people scream every April 1st. That term:  "April Fools". And now you know the rest of the story!'

 

 

Blonde Joke

 

A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes, so she decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid, she spent a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized all the capitals for all the states.

 

The next time she was with a group of people, someone started telling a blonde joke. "Hey," she said, "Not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital."

 

So someone called out "Vermont".

 

"V" she replied with a smile.

 

 

A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot, which had smoke coming from it.

 

A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

 

 

Visiting Grandma

 

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

 

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

 

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

 

"You're coming empty handed?"

 

 

The Trick

 

A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

 

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

 

The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

 

The many Moods of a Woman

 

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction, she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.  She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse she'll break open his head and then be his nurse but when he's well and can get out of bed she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.  Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind she'll call him a king, then make him a clown, raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.  She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, or make him her lackey to carry her fan.  She'll run away from him and never come back but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

 

The Few Moods of Man

 

Tired.

Hungry.

 

 

Daylight saving has been used in the United States and in many European countries since World War I, when the system was adopted in order to conserve fuel needed to produce electric power. If more of the waking day were during daylight hours, fewer lights would need to be burned. The law, however, proved so unpopular that it was later repealed in1919.

 

During World War II, the United States observed year-round Daylight Saving Time. But after the war, since there was no federal laws, states were free whether to observe or not to observe DST. That got confusing. One popular story goes that on the 35-mile stretch of highway between Moundsville, West Virginia, and Steubenville, Ohio, every bus driver and his passengers had to endure seven time changes! To curb the resulting chaos the United States passed The Uniform Time Act of 1966. And with a few small modifications it has been this way ever since.

 

So there you have it. The next time you're tempted to complain about DST remember...you could have to reset your clock seven different times on your way to work.

 

 

Did you hear about the Indian chief named Running Water? He had two daughter, Hot and Cold, and a son named Luke.

 

 

Things are getting so bad in our town that the police department has an unlisted telephone number.

 

 

I stepped into the restroom once and found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers... "Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."

 

 

One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car.  He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one.  There were none to be found.

 

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger.  After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in.  As we sat there, soaked and cold, Carey stuck the hanger under his seat.  With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one."

 

 

Walking into a noisy classroom with his TA, the instructor slapped a hand on the desk and ordered sharply:  "I demand pandemonium!"

 

The class quieted down immediately. "It isn't what you demand," explained the instructor to his TA, "but how you demand it."

 

 

A blond stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

 

"Yes, ma'am?"

 

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

 

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.

 

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

 

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. You must be the person who took our phone book."

 

 

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

 

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she said." Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

 

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

 

 

A building contractor was being paid by the week. One day he approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

 

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

 

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake.  But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

 

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.

 

While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and

said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.

 

The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, hammer throw." He was also admitted.

 

The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of chain link, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."

 

 

A blonde grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

 

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

 

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

 

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

 

 

The Affair

 

A sociologist, a psychologist, and a computer programmer were discussing the consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.

 

The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.

 

The programmer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"

 

 

Most Wanted

 

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 Most Wanted men.

 

One of the kids pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

 

So, Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

 

Definitions

 

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

 

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

 

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

 

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

 

RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.

 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

 

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

TOMORROW: One of the greatest laborsaving devices of today.

 

YAWN: An honest Opinion openly expressed.

 

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

 

 

Psychiatric Hotline

 

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

 

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

 

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

 

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

 

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

 

If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

 

 

ESSAY - WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SUCH A JOY TO LEARN!

 

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow how to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it—English is a crazy language.

 

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

 

We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.     And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing?  Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  Onegoose, two geese.  So onegoose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one mend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

 

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?  If retired teachers taught, did retired preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?  How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?  How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?  Have you noticed that we describe certain things only when they are absent?  A horseless carriage, a strapless gown.  Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown?  Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?  Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?  And where are all those people who ARE

 spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a

 form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,

 but when the lights are out, they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch does it start, but when I wind up this essay, it ends?

 

 

Actual Newspaper Headlines

 

                  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

 

                  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

 

                  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

 

                  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

 

                  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

 

                  Farmer Bill Dies in House

 

                  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 

                  Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

 

                  Stud Tires Out

 

                  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 

                  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 

                  Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

 

                  Eye Drops Off Shelf

 

                  Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 

                  Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

 

                  Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

 

                  Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

 

                  Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

 

                  Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 

                  Miners Refuse to Work after Death

 

                  Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

                  Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 

                  Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

 

                  Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

 

                  Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 

                  Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

 

                  Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

 

                  War Dims Hope for Peace

 

                  If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

 

                  Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 

                  Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 

                  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

 

                  Deer Kill 17,000

 

                  Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

                  Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 

                  New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 

 

Librarians always look like librarians who are trying not to look like librarians. Even librarians who try not to look like librarians look like librarians trying not to look like librarians.

 

 

In the space age, men will be able to go around the world in five hours -- one hour for flying and two hours in the airport at either end.

 

 

The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his mother's mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank expression.

 

 

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.

 

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove past a marina. That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. The head of Goldman, Sachs, owns that 104’ one over there. And see that huge 210' yacht there? That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

 

His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.

 

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

 

"I was just wondering," Morris said. "Why aren't there any customers' yachts?"

 

 

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

 

 

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

 

"I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it."

 

 

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in here for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

 

The baker looked at her calmly and replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son.'

 

 

A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

 

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

 

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

 

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

 

 

A man known for his shady business tactics was giving advice to his son, who had just graduated from college. "There are two rules," the man said, "to keep in mind throughout your business career. The first is: When you give your word, always keep it."

 

"Yes, Dad," the young man said. "And what's the second

rule?"

 

"Don't give your word."

 

 

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

 

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

 

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

 

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

 

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

 

 

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

 

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW

NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

 

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

 

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

 

 

A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.

 

A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

 

 

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owners little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died.

 

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

 

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

 

The little dog said, "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!" St. Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

 

The little dog explained what had happened back on earth.  St. Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but St. Peter would not change his mind.

 

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

 

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

 

 

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $2.00 at bowling alleys.

 

 

I gave my son a hint on his first day of high school. On his bedroom room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

 

 

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

 

 

Found on a package of airline nuts: "OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS."

 

 

A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

 

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."

 

There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?

 

 

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

 

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.

 

When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

 

 

Here's a true story: I'm in line at McDonald's and I ask for a medium coke. The kid behind the counter says, "We don't have medium."

 

So I say, "Fine, what do you have?"

 

The kid answers, "We only have small, large, and supersize."

 

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.  I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

 

"Honey," he replied, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

 

 

SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS

 

Adapted from "Anguished English" by Richard Lederer. These announcements were found on actual newsletters and bulletins.

 

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

 

2. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Abe Weiss.

 

3. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

 

4. The Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

 

5. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

 

6. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

 

7. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan... "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."

 

 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going get married.

 

"Just for fun, Mom," he says, "I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while.

 

He then says, "OK, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

 

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

 

"That's amazing. You're right. How did you know?"

 

"It was easy...I don't like her."

 

 

In order for the Italians not to be left out in naming their ships, they finally accomplished the following.

 

USA is USS, which means "United States Ship".

 

British is HMS, which means "Her Majesty's Ship".

 

Now Italy has:

 

AMB which means "Atsa My Boat!"

 

 

PYLE SELECTED AS JOINT CHIEFS' CHAIRMAN

 

President Bush selected General Gomer Pyle as his nominee as the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

 

In a career dating from the early sixties, General Pyle rapidly advanced through the ranks, even though stationed only at Camp Henderson in California for the last 37 years.

 

President Bush praised General Pyle in a speech from the Rose Garden.  "General Pyle embodies the hope and dreams of all Americans when you can rise from a simple mechanic at Wally's Service Station in Mayberry to the highest military rank in the US Armed Forces."  The President then giggled, smirked, and said, "Heh, kind of like me."

 

General Pyle shook the President's hand, shrugged, and said, "Surprise, surprise, surprise, Mr. President!  Well, Golllee—I can't tell you how much this means to me.  Can I get you to autograph my hat?  And, I'd like to take a few pictures.  Would you mind if I got Sergeant Carter to come on up here?  He looks a little upset, Mr. President.  You think he's mad that I outrank him now?"

 

General Pyle's said his first task is the ongoing commitments in Bosnia.  "I plan on deploying Aunt Bee from Mayberry with her blueberry cobbler.  ShaZAM! but that'd end that fussing over there in just a second!"

 

It's expected General Pyle will order the military to start exchanging its exisiting MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) packets with Moon Pies and RC Cola.

 

 

RUSSIA KICKS OUT 50 DIPLOMATS, SENDS THEM HOME IN STYLE

Russia expelled 50 diplomats today in retaliation for a similar move by the United States in deporting Russian diplomats from Washington.

 

President Bush is reportedly "deeply concerned" that the diplomats were sent home on the space station Mir.  "We think Russia could have at least sprung for first class tickets on a regularly scheduled flight," Bush said.  "Now they're going to have to come home via the South Pacific route.  It'll take them longer to get back home."

 

 

Dear Infernal Revenue Serviced:

 

I heard that y'all have really been slacking off on conducting audits here lately.  It's now down to roughly one in every forty seven bazillion returns gets audited.  So, for all of the rest, you generally take the taxpayer's word for it.  Whatever they scribble on their 1040 form and send to you, y'all just have a trained monkey process it and stick it in the file.

 

That's especially good news for me, since, once again, it appears the United States Government has decided they didn't get enough of my blood throughout the year and now, come tax filing time, they'd like an emergency transfusion. A negative.  B positive.  AB Latte.  Something.

 

So, while to this point in my life I've been straight as an arrow when dealing with y'all, I've decided this year to enroll in Creative Tax Filing 101.

 

Y'all we be getting Schedule A's, B's, C's, a few Double D's (which ought to make the male and lesbian auditors happy) and the Schedule of Bus Routes if I can lay my hands on it.

 

Y'all will be getting 1040's, 1050's, a 10-10-321 so you can call for just 10 cents a minute and a 10-100, catch you on the flip-flop, good buddy, roger that.

 

Furthermore, I'm kind of busy at the moment and I don't think I'm going to have time to get all of the paperwork done by April 15.  Y'all just go ahead and cut me a check for, oh, I'll make it light on you, $275,000, and we'll just call it even.

 

Yeah, I know, I'm taking a chance that I'll be the lucky one who gets a full blown, pants around my ankles, and bent over the stove audit this year.  And that I'll wind up having to pay y'all thousands of dollars, my first born, and a goat named Clyde.  I know I'm gambling with you.

 

But, I also hear that gambling debts are fully deductible, too. I can't lose.

 

Nothing but love for ya, baby,

 

Ray

 

 

The Sacrifice

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

 

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.

 

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

 

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

                  

Fairy Tales

 

A little girl had just listened to her mother reading her one of her favorite fairy tales. "Mommy," asked the child, "do all fairy tales begin with Once Upon a Time...?"

 

"No, dearest," replied the mother, "sometimes they start with 'Darling, I have to work a little late at the office tonight.'"

 

 

Wife Jokes...

 

"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."

"So you're single?”

 

**********

 

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

 

**********

 

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did.

 

**********

 

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"  I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

 

**********

 

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

 

**********

 

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

 

 

Here is one story about people shoveling the snow for parking spaces in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago Police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car- sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.

 

When he returns home, he finds that some other car has taken the space. He is, well, upset.

 

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle.  Where the police get involved, however, there is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means.  Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

 

One time a fellow got creative.  Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, real well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.

 

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!

 

 

The Deal

 

Two sisters inherited the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they were in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they needed to purchase a bull so that they could breed their own stock.

 

The sister who balanced their checkbook, a brunette, took their last 600 dollars out west to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she told her blonde sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

 

The brunette arrived at the man's ranch, inspected the bull, and decided she did want to buy it. The man told her that he would sell it for 599 dollars, no less. After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

 

She walked into the telegraph office and said, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.  I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

 

The telegraph operator explained that he'd be glad to help her, then added, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only had 1 dollar left. She realized that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

 

After thinking for a few minutes, she nodded, and said, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shook his head.

 

"How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

 

The brunette explained, "She'll read it very slowly."

 

                 

Fishing

 

A blonde is driving on the highway. She looks over and sees another blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"

 

The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."

 

Blonde #1 says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and kick your butt."

 

 

One day, at a local restaurant, a woman suddenly called out, "My son's choking!  He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

 

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern, wrapped his hands around the boy and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

 

"Thank you so much!" the mother cried.  "Are you a paramedic?"  "No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

 

 

He was a brilliant attorney. The other day he got a parking ticket reduced to involuntary manslaughter.

 

 

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

 

 

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

 

So she drove the boat to shore.

 

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

 

 

Have you noticed the sad state of boxing these days? It's gotten so bad that recently during a fight, the two boxers danced round and round hardly touching one another. Finally the referee got them in a clinch and said, "Listen guys, I don't mind you dancing around like that, but dipping is out!"

 

 

Divorced Barbie

 

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

 

In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the

Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

 

Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

 

"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture."

 

 

This guy Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section but that's OK - he's at the Super Bowl.

 

So he starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50-yard line with an empty seat beside him.

 

This is driving Joe nuts, so finally at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

 

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

 

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "but why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

 

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

 

 

"My watch is three hours fast. I can't seem to get it fixed, so I'm moving to New York."

 

 

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

 

 

One night a little boy's parents overheard this prayer... "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

 

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:

 

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

 

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

 

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

 

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

 

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

 

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

 

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

 

Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

 

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

 

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

 

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

 

A triangle that has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

 

When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

 

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.

 

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

 

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

 

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

 

 

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

 

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

 

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

 

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

 

 

Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. "Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."

 

"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal."

 

 

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

 

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

 

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

 

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake?"

 

 

Priestly Assistance

 

One day a priest was walking down the street. He saw a little boy on the front porch of a house trying to reach the doorbell. The boy was standing on his tip toes and jumping up and down, but he still couldn't reach the bell. The priest walked over to him and asked, "Do you need some help?"

 

The young boy said yes so the priest rang the doorbell. Then the priest said, "What now?"

 

The little boy shouted, "Run!"

 

 

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

 

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where in the Ladies Room, there is a very special mirror. If you stand in front of the mirror and tell the truth, you are granted a wish. However, if you tell a lie, -POOF- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

 

A redhead of questionable looks walked into the Ladies Room and stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." -POOF- The mirror swallowed her.

 

Next, a rather large brunette stood before the mirror and said, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive! -POOF- The mirror swallowed her.

 

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond came in and stood before the mirror and said, "I think..." -POOF-

 

                  

The Blonde and the Farmer

 

There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she dyed her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take in their beauty.

 

She noticed the farmer just standing there watching, too. She walked up to him and asked some questions on raising sheep.  She then asked, "If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one?" The farmer agreed. She guessed 387. The farmer said that was correct. "So, go take your pick on which one you want."

 

She went into the flock and then to her car. The farmer stopped her and asked, "If I can guess what your natural hair color is, can I have my DOG back?"

 

 

People Are Idiots

 

- Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.

 

- A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

 

- A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

 

- The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

 

- A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

 

- A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

 

- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

 

- When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

 

- A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and lead police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

 

 

Best T-Shirt Sayings

 

"Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad"

 

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"

 

"Husband And Cat Lost... Reward For Cat"

 

"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law On A Milk Carton"

 

"Just Give Me Chocolate And Nobody Gets Hurt"

 

"Learn From Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"

 

“If God Had Wanted Me To Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them On My Knees"

 

"If You Can Read This... Kiss A Teecher"

 

"Wrinkled Was Not One Of The Things I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up"

 

"If You Remember The '60s, You Weren't Really There"

 

"Procrastinate Now"

 

"Rehab Is For Quitters"

 

"My Husband And I Married For Better Or Worse...He Couldn't Do Better And I Couldn't Do Worse"

 

"The More I Learn About Women, The More I Love My Harley"

 

 

Saint Patty's Day Groaners

 

                  Q. Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?

                  A. Regular rocks are too heavy.

 

                  Q. Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

                  A. Because they're always a little short.

 

                  Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?

                  A. He's Dublin over with laughter!

 

                  Q. What's Irish and stays out all night?

                  A. Patty O'furniture!

 

                  Q. How did the Irish Jig get started?

                  A. Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

 

 

What a Night

 

On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulled him over.

 

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"  "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

 

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

 

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

 

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

“Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

 

On The Plane

 

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

 

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked, and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

 

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

 

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

 

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.

 

"He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

 

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

 

“What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

 

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

 

                   

It Cannot Be

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a

negative."

 

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

 

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

 

 

Booze Party

 

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

 

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

 

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

 

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:

 

"Shall We Gather at the River."

 

         

The Gift

 

A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought her a box full of fine chocolates.

 

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!" She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said, "I bet this is some wine!"

 

The little boy said, "Nope!"

 

She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"

 

The little boy said, "Nope!"

 

She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"

 

The little boy said, "Nope!"

 

She said, "Well what is it?"

 

The little boy said, "A puppy!"

 

 

 

Watch It

 

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

 

"If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

 

 

Doctor's Poker Game

 

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

 

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

 

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

 

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

 

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

 

 

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple.  Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.

 

One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase.  I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf.  The next week the same thing happened.

 

That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her.  Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.  "Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"

 

 

The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back.

 

 

CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES TO HELP RE-ENACT TITANIC SINKING

 

Carnival Cruise Lines has announced plans to re-enact the April 1912 sinking of the Titanic using their newest cruise ship, the "Minuscule."

 

Bob Tinsel, Carnival's spokesman, made the announcement today from Southampton, England, where the Titanic started her first (and last) voyage.  "We're swamped with reservations right now.  People are booking their mothers-in-law and bosses like crazy for the sailing."

 

Donations are being taken to book Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet by the non-profit foundation, "One Big Ol’ Fluke Of A Movie Doesn't Make You 'A'-List Stars."

 

To be as authentic a reenactment as possible, Carnival has removed half of the lifeboats from "Minuscule" and has made sure no binoculars are available to lookouts posted in the "crow's nest."  To comply with OSHA regulations, arrows have installed throughout every passageway pointing towards the escape route.  Tinsel admitted registered Democrats would probably "drown like rats" since they have a genetic inability to follow a straight arrow.

 

Tinsel said business a little slow for the "steerage class" passengers, "As they'll almost certainly be sucked straight to the bottom of the Atlantic", but he said, "Foreigners who speak very little English are being aggressively marketed to."

 

In a public relations coup, Carnival has convinced the US Navy to camouflage one of their nuclear submarines as an iceberg to conduct the sinking.  "We think no one does a better job of sinking civilian ships than the US Navy."

 

 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

 

 

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

     --Clementine Paddleford

 

 

Humor... The New Men's Thesaurus

 

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

 

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

 

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

 

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

 

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

 

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

 

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

 

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

 

 

Seminars For Men (Given by Females)

 

1. Combating Stupidity

 

2. You, too, can do housework

 

3. How to fill an ice tray

 

4. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.

 

5. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

 

6. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

 

7. Get a life -- learn to cook

 

8. How not to act like a complete idiot when you're obviously wrong

 

9. Spelling -- Even you can get it right

 

10. Understanding your financial incompetence

 

11. You -- The Weaker Sex

 

12. Reasons to give flowers

 

 

Idiot Story

 

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower as he was explaining  the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.

 

 

Idiot Story

 

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said.His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent.The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo.The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

 

 

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

 

 

CHURCH PHONE CALLS

 

It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there.

 

He went to a very large church and began taking pictures, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign that reads "$10,000.00 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to

Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way.

 

As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Denver, and on around the United States, he finds more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

 

Finally, he arrives in the South. Upon entering a church, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time the sign reads: "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asks to talk to the pastor.

 

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

 

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Son, you're in the South now. It's a local call."

 

 

"Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, 'You were only in the air for twelve seconds. How could your luggage be in Cleveland?'"

-Red Buttons

 

 

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."

-Jay Leno

 

 

"My son has taken up meditation...at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing."

- Max Kauffman

 

 

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the back seat. And the women just won't leave the poor guy alone.

 

His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"

 

His wife says, "Stay to the left!"

 

After several more orders from both of them the man breaks down and barks at his wife, "Who's driving this car – you or your mother?"

 

 

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room.

 

The desk clerk says, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road."

 

Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow."

 

The desk clerk replies, "Oh! In that case it's just a 6 iron down the road."

 

 

A man has a first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he's there, the fellow responds, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

 

"Well..." responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

 

"I'm a window washer."

 

 

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

 

 

Is there a doctor in the house?

 

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" asked the doctor.

 

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

 

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see, yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

 

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

 

After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

 

 

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"

 

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.

 

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

 

 

A little greed can get you lots of stuff.

--Anonymous

 

 

To Home with Love

 

Dear Dad,

 

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

 

Love,

Your $on.

 

 

Dear Son,

 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

 

Love,

Dad

 

 

The Choice

 

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families.  Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

 

In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution, and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replied.

 

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

 

A hesitant driver, waiting for a traffic jam to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp.

 

The traffic thinned, but the driver still waited.

 

Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "The sign says 'Yield', not "give up!"

 

 

In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged

Caumeneur."

 

The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular, wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.

 

"Could you please spell that?" she asked.

 

"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."

 

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

 

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

 

 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

 

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' "

 

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 

 

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother.  The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.  He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses."

 

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

 

"Really?"

 

"Yes sir.  They're called bullets."

 

 

Reasons Why Sheep are Better than Women

 

A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.

 

A sheep will never sue you for alimony.

 

A sheep won't use your razor to shave its legs, or your pocketknife to open a paint can.

 

A sheep never has a headache.

 

A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.

 

A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

 

A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick up a box of tampons.

 

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

 

A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.

 

A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.

 

Sheep are "ram tough."

 

A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levi’s with a hole in the seat, open glass bottles with your teeth.

 

 

Q. What do you get when you cross Lassie with a Pit Bull?

A. A dog that bites off your leg and then runs for help.

 

 

Flight Attendant Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a
bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways.

 

 

"Praise the Lord"

 

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts, "Praise the Lord!" The atheist yells back, "There is no God." She does this every morning with the same result. Time goes by, and the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says, "Praise the Lord." The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there's the groceries she's asked for, of course she says "Praise the Lord."  The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries--there is no God." The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

 

 

THE CLASS OF 2004

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.  Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list (2001):

 

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.

 

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

 

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

 

There has been only one Pope.

 

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

 

They have never feared a nuclear war.

 

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

 

Tiannamen Square means nothing to them.

 

Bottle caps have always been screw-off and plastic.

 

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

 

The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

 

They have never owned a record player.

 

They have likely never played Pac-Man and have never heard of Pong.

 

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

 

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

 

They have always had an answering machine.

 

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they ever seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable.

  

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

 

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

 

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

 

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

 

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

 

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

 

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

 

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

 

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

 

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

 

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

 

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

 

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

 

They never heard:  "Where's the beef?"  "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".

 

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

 

The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.

 

Michael Jackson has always been white.

 

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.

 

McDonald’s never came in Styrofoam containers.

 

There has always been MTV.

 

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

 

A teacher speaks:

Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with love for learning.

Not only that, I'm suppose to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time summer and evenings at my own expense toward advance certification and a master's degree; and after school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my employment status.

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.

I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and to my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, and monitor all Web sites while providing a personal relationship with each student.

I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions.

I am to make sure all students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. Plus, I am expected to make sure that all of the students with handicaps are guaranteed a free and equal
education, regardless of their mental or physical handicap.

I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45 minute more-or-less plan time and a big smile, all on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all?

And you want me to do all of this and expect me NOT TO PRAY????

Gwenda Betzina
215 Panorama Ct.
Brea, CA 92821

 

 

Aspiring Psychiatrists

 

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

 

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

 

"Sadness," said the student.

 

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

 

"Elation," said she.

 

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

 

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

 

Wisdom

 

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

 

2. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you.

 

3. Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

 

4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends, if they are O.K., you're it.

 

6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

 

8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

9. Always remember to pillage before you burn.

 

10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

 

11. Corollary-if you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

 

12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

 

13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

 

16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

 

17. When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

18. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

19. Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

 

20. Life is sexually transmitted.

 

21. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

22. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said --- quit while you're ahead?

 

23. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

24. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

25. It's not hard to meet expenses.  They're everywhere.

 

26. Jury - 12 people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

28. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loved. After marriage, the "Y" becomes silent.

 

29. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

 

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE?!?!?!

 

Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

 

"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the blonde teenager at the counter.

 

"You don't?" I replied.

 

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

 

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

 

"That's right."

 

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

 

 

Continued...

 

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the blonde lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened....

 

 

And...

 

A blonde lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy disk drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

 

 

I recently saw a distraught young blonde lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked.

 

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car."

 

"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"

 

"Hmmm, I dunno."

 

"Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

 

"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

 

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk.

 

 

Several years ago, we had a blonde intern who was none too swift.  One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

 

"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

 

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

 

 

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the blonde lady driver had

set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

 

 

IDIOTS AT WORK...

Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

 

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman (blonde, no doubt) in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal...do you guys have a fire downtown?"

 

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE... I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My blonde lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

 

 

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect (hair color unknown) by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

 

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

 

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

 

 

Promises

 

I was wondering when someone would remember that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if Bush became President. This was just too good not to pass on....


MOVING CRUISE:

Attention all disenfranchised liberals: Would Alex Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and all other liberals who previously announced they would leave the country if George Bush was elected President, please report to Florida for the sailing of the Good Ship Lollipop, which has been commissioned to take you to your new home.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.  Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years. Your captain is to be Bill Clinton and your cruise director will be Al Gore. Joe Lieberman will be your purser and Monica Lewinsky will be your recreation director and your

spiritual advisor will be Rev. Jesse Jackson. Your primary job, while self-exiled, will be to pound sand until such time as you realize the worthlessness of your bleeding-heart-liberal ways and gain a grasp on reality - which may be never for some of you.

If you have any questions about your final destination, please direct your comments to Hillary. She's staying behind and will be in charge of nursing whining liberals for the next four years.

Cheers,

PS to the travelers - if you invited her, maybe Jane Fonda would go along to provide some class. How can you go wrong with one of the 100 finest women of the year as a traveling companion?

"I may not have been the best president, but I sure had the most fun."

---Bill Clinton

"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College." --- Al Gore

 

 

We reap what we sow


Dear God,

Why didn't you save the school children in Littleton, Colorado?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Student



Dear Concerned Student,

I am not allowed in schools.

Sincerely,
God

 

 

Blonde Jokes

 

-- How many blonde jokes are there?
None, they are all true

 

-- What do you call a blonde behind a steering wheel?
An air bag

 

-- How do you get a blonde's eyes to twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ears

 

-- How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear

 

-- What do you call a blonde at the bottom of a pool?

An air bubble

 

-- What is the difference between Big Foot and smart blondes?
Big Foot has been spotted

 

-- What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You always hear about them but never actually see them.

 

-- What do call a blonde with 98% of her intelligence gone?
Divorced

 

-- What does a blonde say when you ask if her blinker is on?
Its on, its off, its on, its off...

 

-- What do you call 30 blondes standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel

 

-- What job does a blonde have at an M&M factory?
Proof reading

 

-- Why couldn’t she keep her job there?
She kept throwing out the ones with the W's

-- How can you tell a dumb blonde from a smart blonde?
The smart blondes have dark roots

 

-- How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
Tell her a joke on Friday

 

-- What’s the advantage to being married to a blonde?
You can park in handicapped places

 

-- Why do blondes comb their bangs up?
They don’t want anything to go over their heads

 

-- What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios?
Look, it’s a bunch of doughnut seeds

 

-- Why did the blonde buy an AM radio?
Because she only wanted to listen to it in the morning

 

-- How can you hit a blonde without her noticing?
Hit her with a thought

 

-- Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side

 

-- In the middle of a storm and a blonde sees lightning, why does she smile?
She thinks she’s getting her picture taken

 

-- Why did the blonde keep the ice cubes in the refrigerator?
She wanted to keep the refrigerator cold

 

-- How did the blonde break her leg while playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree

 

-- Why was the blonde so happy when she got the puzzle done in 14 months.
Because on the box it said 2-3 years

 

 

No wonder coke tastes soooo good:

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and the steak will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and...Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous China.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca - Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, Remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

IT WILL ALSO CLEAN ROAD HAZE FROM YOUR WINDSHIELD


1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate), the commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive Materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!


P.S. Coca-Cola was originally green.

 

 

A Funny Story

 

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

 

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

 

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.

 

This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

 

"It's pretty nice," she replies.

 

"Except they won't let you fart."

 

 

The following are all quotes from 11 year old's science exams:

 

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

 

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

 

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

 

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

 

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

 

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

 

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

 

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

 

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

 

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

 

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

 

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

 

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five: a, e, i, o, and u."

 

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

 

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

 

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

 

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

 

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum forget where the sun joins in this fight."

 

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

 

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

 

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

 

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

 

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

 

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

 

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

 

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

 

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

 

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

 

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

 

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

 

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

 

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

 

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

 

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

 

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

 

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

 

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

 


A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

(And we used to just sell lemonade.)


A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."  He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."  There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

 

 

Baptist Dog?

A Baptist couple felt it important to own an equally Baptist pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. The couple was impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home.  Being so proud of their new Baptist dog and his major skills, the couple invited friends over that evening to show him off. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said, "Let's try it out."

Once more they called the dog and commanded, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...

The couple was devastated by the dog's reaction...for they knew they had been deceived by the kennel.

"He's not a Baptist dog," they cried! "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

The Shepherd

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him


The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,

 

"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure."

The young man parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns around to our shepherd and says, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young fella make a selection and bundle it in his Cherokee. Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not", answers the young man.

"You are a Democrat from Palm Beach working for Jesse Jackson," says the shepherd.

"That is correct," says the young man, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy", answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you.  You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

 

 

Rep. Dick Gephardt & Sen. Tom Daschle...gave response to President Bush's State of the Union address, in which Mr. Bush asked congress to refund the American people a portion of the budget surplus that has been collected via taxes. In their response, they say it is irresponsible and not prudent to give the American people a tax cut! Well, read below and find out why these two "career politicians" don't want you to pay in less money to the government.

 

Perhaps we were asking the wrong questions this last election year.  Our Senators and congressmen do not pay into Social Security; therefore, they do not collect from it. Social Security benefits were not suitable for persons of their rare elevation in society. They felt
they should have a special plan for themselves. Many years ago they voted in their benefit plan. In more recent years, no congress person has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan.

For all practical purposes their plan works like this. When they retire, they continue to draw their FULL PAY until they die, except it may be increased from time to time by the cost of living adjustments.

For example, former Senator Bradley, and his wife, may be expected to draw $7,900,000.00, with Mrs. Bradley drawing $275,000.00 during the last year of her life. And the costs to the Bradleys’ and the rest of congress for this excellent plan is $ "0," NADA, ZILCH.

This little perk they voted in for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Fund. Our tax dollars at work!

With Social Security, which you and I pay into every payday for our own retirement, with an equal amount matched by our employer, we can expect to get an average of $1,000.00 per month from our Social Security plan. Or, we would have to collect our benefits for 681 years and 1 month to equal the Bradley's benefits. This is how good Social Security could be, if only one small change were made. That change would be to jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan out from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us. Then watch how fast they would fix it!!!

 

 

Actual Comments on Employee Performance Reviews

 

1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."


2) "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4) "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be."

5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."


6) "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."


7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 

8) "This young man has delusions of adequacy."


9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."


10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."


11) "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

 

12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."


13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."


14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."


15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."


16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."


17) "He's been working with glue too much."


18) "He would argue with a signpost."


19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."


20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."


21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."


22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."


23) "He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on."


24) "A prime candidate for natural deselection."


25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."


26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."


27) "Has two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."


28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."


30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."


31) "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."


32) "One neuron short of a synapse."

 

33) "Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."


34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

 

35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

 

36) "He couldn't do a day's work if you gave him six months to do it in!"

 

 

The New School Prayer

(This was written by a teen in Bagdad, Arizona. This is incredible!!!!!!!!!)

Now I sit me down at school,
Where praying is against the rule.
For this great nation under God,
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange, or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!   Amen.

TIPS OF A LIFETIME:

 

Stuff your mother should have told you but didn't.

 

1. Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

 

2. Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

 

3. To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

 

4. To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

 

5. Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

 

6. To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

 

7. To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

 

8. Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

 

9. When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

 

10. If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant.

 

11. Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and will keep for weeks.

 

12. Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

 

13. Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

 

14. When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

 

15. To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

 

16. Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

 

17. Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

 

18. If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

 

19. Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

 

20. To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

 

21. Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said never to cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

 

22. Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

 

23. When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, scotch tape removes the splinters painlessly and easily.

 

24. Now look what you can do with ALKA Seltzer;

Ø      Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

Ø      Clean a vase.  To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

Ø      Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Ø      Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). 

Ø      Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

Makes you wonder what is in those things!!!

 

 

Quotations from women about women:

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
--Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
--Janette Barber


 

Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think - I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
--Jan King

A few weeks after my [breast cancer] surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling, "Hey, come back here with my breast!"
--Linda Ellerbee

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
--Lily Tomlin

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
--Geri Jewell

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
--Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
--Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
--Erma Bombeck

Old age ain't no
place for sissies.
--Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
--Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
--Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
--Jennifer Unlimited

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
--Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
--Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
--Catherine Aird

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss... and they called ME slow!
--Kathy Buckley

Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee.
--Stephanie Piro

Behind every successful woman...is a basket of dirty laundry.
--Sally Forth


Top Ten Things Only Women Understand

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.


AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!

 

 

Just One More . . . . .For all Clinton Lovers

 

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find that she's pregnant.  She is furious. Here she's won her run for the junior senator of New York and this has happened to her.  She calls Bill's house in Washington and gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this!  I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!  Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

 

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

 

 

Sharing...

 

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening.  They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

 

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

 

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

 

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

 

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple.  All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

 

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

 

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

 

 

She answered...

 

"The teeth".

 

 

A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President any longer, please leave.  The man goes away.

The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton is not the President any longer, please go away. The man goes away.

The next day he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty.  The man asks to see President Clinton and the Marine says, -- WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!

The man smiles happily and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

 

REQUEST FOR MONEY:

Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.  We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money. If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worth while project.

Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee
PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far!

 

We have all heard the haunting song, "Taps. " It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually creates tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song?

IF not, I think you will be pleased to find out about its humble beginnings.

Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men at Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment.

When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his son. The boy had been studying music in the south when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial despite his enemy status.


His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate.  But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" used at military funerals, was born.

Day is done
Gone the sun
From the Lakes
From the hills
From the sky.

All is well,

safely rest.
God is nigh.

Fading light
Dims the sight

And a star
Gems the sky,
Gleaming bright
From afar,
Drawing nigh,
Falls the night.

Thanks and praise,
For our days,
Neath the sun,
Neath the stars,
Neath the sky,
As we go,
This we know,
God is nigh.

I too, have felt the chills while listening to "Taps" but I have never seen all the words to the song until now. I didn't even know there was more than one verse. I also never knew the story behind the song and I didn't know if you had either, so I thought I'd pass it along. I now have an even
deeper respect for the song than I did before.

 

 

We Don’t Sell to Blondes

 

            A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain she just couldn’t resist.  “I would like to by this TV,” she told the salesman.  “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.

            She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back again and told the salesman, “I would like to buy this TV.”  “Sorry,” he replied, “We don’t sell to blondes.”
            “Darn, he recognized me,” she thought.  She went for a complete disguise this time: haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, the works.  She waited a few days, and then approached the salesman again.  “I would like to buy this TV.”  “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied.  Frustrated, she exclaimed, “How do you know I’m blonde!?”

            “Because that is a microwave,” he replied.

 

 

The Bible According to Kids

 

¨      In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

¨      Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

¨      Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.

¨      Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

¨      Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

¨      The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

¨      Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

¨      Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

¨      Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

¨      The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

¨      The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

¨      The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.  The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

¨      Moses died before he ever reached Canada.  Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.  The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

¨      David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

¨      Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

¨      When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

¨      When the three wise guys from the east arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.  Jesus was born because Mary had and immaculate contraption.

¨      St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

¨      Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.  He also explained that a man doth not live by sweat alone.

¨      It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

¨      The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

¨      The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

¨      One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

¨      St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

 

 

A Burglar Story

 

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by “Jesus is watching!”

He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.

He takes another step and hears; “Jesus is watching you!”

This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.

He asks, “Was that you talking?”

The parrot answers, “Yes.”

The burglar asks, “What is your name?”

The parrot replies, “Clarence.”

The burglar asks, “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot replies, “The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus.”

 

 

The World’s 20 Shortest Books

 

20. The Book of Virtues by Bill Clinton

19. My Plan to Find the Real Killers by O.J. Simpson

18. Human Rights Advances in China

17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers

16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

15. Detroit-A Travel Guide

14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”

13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches

12. Easy UNIX

11. Al Gore: The Wild Years

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

8. French Hospitality

7. George Forman’s Big Book of Baby Names

6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette

4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

3. Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money by Dennis Rodman

2. The Amish Phone Directory

 

And the number one World’s Shortest Book:

 

1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

 

 

CIA Job Test

 

            A few months ago there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.  These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there are lots of tests and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After running some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they had narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.  The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job.  The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained.

“Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said “You can’t be serious!  I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

 

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.  “We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.”  “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man look a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. 

All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”  “No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.”

 

Now they were down to the women left to test.  Again they led her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun.  “We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances.  This is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair.  “Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door.

Before the door was even closed, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.  One shot after another for thirteen shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging, and bloodcurdling screams.  This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet.  The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!  I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

 

 

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom."

 

 

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made with real lemons."

 

 

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."

 

 

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.

 

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures.

 

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

 

 

The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

 

"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

 

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

 

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

 


My wife ran off with my best friend last week.

Man, I miss him!

 

 

Who Is That Guy?

 

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island, who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

 

"Who is that man and why is he so upset?" a passenger asks the captain.

 

"I've no idea, but every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

 

 

In honor of the upcoming Tax Day (April 16, this year), Hallmark Greeting Card character Maxine offers a few do's and don’ts when it comes to taxes:

-- Do try to be a good, upstanding taxpayer. It's much easier to send an IRS agent off your porch when you're upstanding than when you're downsitting.

-- Don't hire a tax expert. I tried that once. She suggested I pay them. Some expert.                              -- Do complete your own tax forms. It goes pretty quickly if you just fill out every blank with “None of your business."

-- Don't think about the fact that part of your taxes supports the IRS.

-- Do use your tax refund to buy yourself something nice. I'm going to buy a paper clip or maybe a stick of gum!

-- Don't even bother trying to pay your taxes with a smile. They want money.  As a parting grumble, Maxine reminds people that nothing says, "Have a nice day, IRS!" like paying your taxes entirely in pennies. Shot from a slingshot.

 

 

50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart

 

1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4.Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5.Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7.Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8.Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11.Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12.Play with the automatic doors.

13.Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14.While walking through the clothing department ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15.Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16.Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17.Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18.Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19.As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20.Put M&M's on layaway.

21.Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22.Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23.Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26.TP as much of the store as possible.

27.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28.Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29.When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31.Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32.Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33.Take bets on the battle described above.

34.Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics (especially if you’re a guy...)

35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36.Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37.Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38.Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39.Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40.Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41.Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42.Two words: "Marco Polo."

43.Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44."Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45.In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46.When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48.When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49.Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

 

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

 

 

Do you lick envelopes & stamps?

 

Believe it or not! If you lick your envelopes....You won't anymore!!!!!  A woman was working in a post office in California and one day she licked the envelopes and postage stamps instead of using a sponge. That very day the lady cut her tongue on the envelope. A week later, she noticed

an abnormal swelling of her tongue. She went to the doctor, and they found nothing wrong. Her tongue was not sore or anything. A couple of days later, her tongue started to swell more, and it began to get really sore, so sore, that she could not eat. She went back to the hospital, and demanded something be done. The doctor, took an x-ray of her tongue, and noticed a lump. He prepared her for minor surgery. When the doctor cut her tongue open, a live roach crawled

out. There were roach eggs on the seal of the envelope. The egg was able to hatch inside of her tongue, because of her saliva. It was warm and moist...

 

This is a true story reported on CNN. Andy Hume wrote, “Hey, I used to work in an envelope factory. You wouldn't believe the things that float around in those gum applicator trays. I haven't licked an envelope for years.”

Nasty, Huh???

 

 

Ice Fishing

 

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential Election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate, nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the fairest way to settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

 

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Minnesota. There were to be no observers present since both men were to be sent out on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

 

At the end of the first day, George W. Bush returns to the starting place and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish. Well, everyone assumes Al is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully he will catch up the next day.

 

At the end of the second day, George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none. That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al Gore and says; "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I'm gonna dress as a jackass (wouldn't be too hard to do) and act as a spy".

 

The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish and Al Gore with none), Bill and Al Gore get together and Al asks, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

 

"He sure is, Al, he's cuttin' holes in the ice!"

 

 

His life's story as told by Al Gore

 

I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you about myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world a poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat. My mother taught me the value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room schoolhouse. I was a mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry Finn."

 

After getting my high school diploma, I took a job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me "Norma Rae."

 

When word got out what an 18-year old factory worker had done, Harvard called and offered me a scholarship. I captained Harvard's football team to four consecutive national championships, and won the Heisman Trophy.

 

But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country.  So I enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Navy Cross and the Croix de Guerre.

 

When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere.

 

And the people I met at truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington." I knew they were right, but first I had to take care of some other business building the World Trade Center, founding the United Nations, doing the clinical research that found the cure for cancer, and writing Shakespeare's plays.

 

Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and allowed them to elect me to the US House of Representatives and then to the Senate.

 

And one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no personal reason at all, I answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as Vice President of the United States.

 

Since then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American history. Many times Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts, he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant.  Why didn't I think of that?"

 

During the darkest days of the impeachment battle, the president told me he only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that dark-haired intern.

 

So after I decided to run for president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of advice—words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al, just tell the truth, it's always worked for me."

 

 

Here are the demographics on the south Florida voter:

 

-- They can play 10 bingo cards at a time and not miss a number.

-- They can juggle 53 numbers and pick 6 for the Florida Lotto, as well as select their Pick 3, Fantasy Five, and Mega Ball numbers.

-- They can read 5 papers, 4 scratch sheets, and handicap 3 horses in the Tri-fecta at the horse race.

-- They can spot a shanked golf ball in an acre of elephant grass 300 yards away.

-- They can eyeball a non-resident in a 1,000-unit subdivision at 200 yds.

-- They can report a scarred manatee at 10 fathoms to the Greenpeace hotline.

-- They can take 37 different colored pills every morning and never mess it up.

 

BUT ....

They *can't* read a 4-line ballot they've had published in the newspaper and mailed to them a week in advance and pick one candidate...

 

You figure it out !!!

 

 

New Golf Rules

The PGA (Professional Golf Association) is proposing a rules change. The new rule would come into play when a golfer hits a ball and the ball doesn't travel according to the intent of the golfer. When this happens, the golfer can yell "GORE" and is then allowed to hit another ball. The golfer can do this as many times as necessary. The PGA is implementing the rule because the "intent" of the golfer is paramount and overrides the actual course of the ball. Also, the surface of the ball has dimples.

 

Actual Signs From Around the World

 

In a Tokyo Hotel:

Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not to read notice.

 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

 

In a Leipzig elevator:

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

 

In a Paris hotel elevator:

Please leave your values at the front desk.

 

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

 

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

 

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

 

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.

 

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summer’s suit. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

 

From the Soviet Weekly:

There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each.

 

 

Actual Signs From Around the World

 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

                  Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn:

                  Special today -- no ice cream.

 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

                  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

                  If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

                  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

 

In a Budapest zoo:

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

 

In the office of a Roman doctor:

                  Specialist in women and other diseases.

 

In an Acapulco hotel:

                  The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

 

In a Tokyo shop:

                  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

 

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

 

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

 

 

"Now go on boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!" –Homer Simpson

 

 

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The Amish man said, "No."

 

"Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

 

As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

 

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered,

 

"Show HIM your paper!"

 

 

TOILET POLICY MEMO

 

In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.

 

Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.

 

Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!

 

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.

 

Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month.

 

If and employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.

 

In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.

 

If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.

 

If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

 

If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your personnel officer.

 

 

Getting Old

 

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

Old Age

 

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

 

Ø      I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

Ø      My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

 

Ø      I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

 

Ø      Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

 

Ø      All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

 

Ø      If all is not lost, where is it?

 

Ø      It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

 

Ø      Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

 

Ø      I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

 

Ø      Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

 

Ø      It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

 

Ø      The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

 

Ø      If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

 

Ø      When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

 

Ø      It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

 

Ø      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Ø      These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

 

Airline Safety

 

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

 

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the flight attendants couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed to make most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

 

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were.  The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about."

 

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

 

                                           

Conducting A Music Class

 

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

 

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

 

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

 

What role did parrots play in World War I?

                             

Believe it or not, birds played a role in aerial warfare during World War I. Because of their acute hearing, parrots were kept on the Eiffel Tower to warn of approaching aircraft long before the planes were heard or seen by human spotters.

 

 

The Secret Defense...

                             

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him was his dog; an small, feisty Mexican Chihuahua.

                             

He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog.  He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished stood down from the counter, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner.

                             

A few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks, "Does anyone in here own a Doberman?"

                             

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the little man and says, "Yeah, the Dobie's mine. What about it?"

                             

The little guy replies, "I'm afraid, my dog just killed your dog."

                             

The truck driver bellows, "How could YOUR dumb excuse for a dog possibly have killed MY dog?"

                             

The little man responds, "Well, your dog choked on him."

 

 

THINGS WE DON'T UNDERSTAND

 

The 2000 Census has apparently lost an entire Indian tribe -- more than 600 Miccosukees who live on or near their reservation in the Everglades west of Miami.  "A number of things could have happened," said Ed Gore of the Census Bureau. "American Indian boundaries are sometimes off, so the people may be counted but are not included in the area. The tribe should certainly follow up with us, especially if there are people there."  The bureau listed the reservation as empty, population zero, in its report issued March 26.  The Miccosukees know that's wrong and can't understand how the mistake was made because they made a special effort to be counted last year. They said there are actually 500 people living within the boundaries and another 150 nearby.  "The community leaders encouraged the people to take part and participate in the census, and many of them did," said tribal planner Ron Logan. "So for them not to be reflected in the census is a real disappointment."  The Miccosukees -- who own a large gambling operation on their land -- depend on Census numbers for justification of services like health clinics and schools.

                              

 

An elderly woman spent a day shopping at the mall. Upon the return to her vehicle, she found four strange males sitting in her car. Frightened, the woman dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun. She told the men that if they did not get out of the car, she would shoot. The four men ran off quickly, whereupon the lady got into the car. Her key however, would not fit. The woman realized that her car was the identical one parked a few spaces down. She went to the police department and reported the story. The officer on duty laughed hysterically and pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale men had reported a car jacking by a mean old lady, no charges were filed.

 

 

"Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing." - Andy Rooney

 

 

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner

 

 

The Ten Most Common Forms of Office Illness

 

1. The Macy's One-Day Sale Flu.

 

2. The Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.

 

3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.

 

4. The I'm-Looking-for-a-New-Job-and-I-Don't-Know-How-Long-It's-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.

 

5. The My-Boyfriend's-Got-the-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I'm-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.

 

6. The I-Need-a-Haircut-and-My-Stylist-Doesn't-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.

 

7. The There's-No-Federal-Holidays-for-Two-Months-and-I-Want-a-Day-Off Sickness.

 

8. The It's-Spring-Break-and-I-Want-To-Pretend-I'm-a-Teenager-Again General Ailment.

 

9. The I've-Screwed-Up-Royally-and-I-Won't-Come-In-To-Face-the-Music Terminal Illness.

 

10. The I-Really-Am-Sick-and-I've-Got-The-Doctor's-Bills-and-the-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-to-Prove-It Infirmity

 

 

A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

 

The student said, "Every word of it."

 

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Wordsworth. I thought you were long dead."

 

 

There are easier things in life than finding a good man.... Nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance.

 

 

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

 

Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life - without even considering whether there were men on base.

 

 

Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A.  We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.  Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

 

 

Interstate highway system fast facts

                             

- The idea for interstates arose as early as 1919, when Dwight Eisenhower, then a lieutenant colonel, observed that it took the Army's first mechanized troop movement two months to get from Washington to San Francisco.

                             

- Congress began writing interstate system legislation in 1944, but it took several years to fund it. In 1956, the concept was signed into law by Eisenhower himself, who was then president.  Work began weeks later.

                             

- Congress recently honored Eisenhower's vision by renaming the network the Dwight D. Eisenhower System of Interstate and Defense Highways.

                    

- The interstate highway system is roughly 43,000 miles long - about 1 percent of the nation's highways - and carries 21 percent of the nation's traffic.

                              

- Route 80 is the second-longest interstate at 2,907 miles, surpassed only by Route 90, which runs 3,081 miles between Boston and Seattle. In one 250-mile stretch, from just west of Cleveland to Gary, Ind., Routes 80 and 90 are the same roads - the Ohio Turnpike and the Indiana Toll Road.

                             

- The shortest interstate is Route 878, which connects the Van Wyck Expressway with Rockaway Boulevard in New York City, not far from Kennedy Airport. It is seven-tenths of a mile.

                             

- There are no interstates in Alaska. But there are two in Hawaii, a concept that would seem to defy the meaning of the prefix inter-.

 

 

Cheap Date...

                             

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.

                   

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

                             

"She did," he replied. "But where the heck was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

                              

                             

Funny Answering Machine Message...

 

"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

 

 

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything."

 

 

Ford Motor Company has purchased Volvo. Their new slogan is: “Have you driven a Fjord lately?”

 

 

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that. -Tom Lehrer

 

 

THE TOP TEN CLUES YOU LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA:

 

10. You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.

 

9. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

 

8. Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

 

7. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

 

6. The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.

 

5. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

 

4. Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.

 

3. A family of four owns six vehicles.

 

2. Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes and floods are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.

 

1. Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.

 

 

A businessman who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers only that he was away from his desk.

 

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

 

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

 

"Just tell me," said the exasperated golfer, "Is he five miles away at Graystone or ten miles away at White Mountain Country Club?"

 

 

"Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy."

 --Michael Hayward

 

 

How Many...

 

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

 

 

CONGRESS SANCTIONS "LETHAL FORCE" IN ROAD RAGE CASES

 

The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists' use of "lethal force" in dealing with idiot drivers.

 

Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress.  "This is truly a great day in our country.  I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who's in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on."

 

Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:

 

Ø      Stopping for a yellow light.

Ø      Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.

Ø      Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to "go through the light."  (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)

Ø      Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage.  (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)

Ø      Car radios in excess of 80 decibels.  If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on "Cruel and Unusual" punishment.  Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to "be creative."

 

Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18-month training period.  Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, "The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of 'slow and easy'.  Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they'll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes.  We think it's a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people."

 

 

Computer Gender

 

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated that hurricanes at one time were all given feminine names and that ships and planes are usually referred to as "she."

 

One of the students raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" Not having a ready answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, males in one and females in the other, and asked each group to decide whether a computer should be considered masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

 

The group of women concluded that computers should be considered masculine because:

 

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

 

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should be considered feminine because:

 

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 

 

Metrics

 

The United States, Liberia and Myanmar (the nation formerly known as Burma) appear to be the last remaining nations on earth where goods can legally be sold in imperial measurements.  That, after a British court convicted a market trader for selling bananas in pounds and ounces.  Sunderland grocer Steven Thoburn, 36, was convicted of breaking a European law aimed at implementing metric standards across the European Union.

 

It was the first time that a court in Britain -- which began introducing pounds, ounces, miles, yards and feet nearly 800 years ago—had brought such a criminal case against an individual shopkeeper.  The ruling does not affect some other measurements—British roads are still marked in miles, a pint of bitter remains a pint, people are still measured in feet, inches and stones—but slowly time is eroding the nation's commitment to the imperial system.

 

 

WHAT A SLOB!

 

A senior at Indiana University can now officially boast that he has the nation's messiest college apartment.  Like that's something to be proud of?

 

Matt Robinson won a $10,000 prize in the online contest sponsored by www.apartment.com for digs that he calls "The Dark Pit of Filth." He tells NBC that now that he's won, his landlord and his mother are requesting that he clean up his act.  The theater major says he'll use the money to pay back part of a loan from his parents and to get a better car. He drives a Chevette.

 

No word on how messy his car is!

 

                               

KNOT NEWS

 

A Polish physicist and a Swiss biologist may be the first to have untangled the mysteries of the legendary Gordian knot, which dates back to Alexander the Great.  Piotr Pieranski of the Poznan University of Technology in Poland and Andrzej Stasiak, of the University of Lausanne in Switzerland claim to have discovered the mysterious and complex structure of the knot, which bound the yoke and beam of the chariot of Gordius, king of Phrygia.

 

According to legend, whoever untied the knot would become the ruler of Asia. For centuries, pretenders to the throne tried in vain to untie the thick rope, which became a popular tourist attraction housed in its own temple. In 333 BC, Alexander the Great is said to have cut the knot with his sword. In so doing, Alexander defined the Gordian knot as a knot that must be cut to be untied.

 

The Gordian knot has never been fully described. To make one, Pieranski and Stasiak used a computer algorithm called SONO (Shrink-On-No-Overlap). SONO constructed a complicated knot by looping and shrinking a circular piece of rope.  Pieranski and Stasiak will present their findings later this month to the American Mathematical Society.

                              

 

Microsoft WINDOWS Humor

 

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:

 

 * Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy?

 

 * 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burn victims, has a maximum dosage of 10seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters.

Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

 

 

Weird Facts: 5 of these facts are true, but one of them is false. Which

one do you think is false?

 

1) Recycling one glass jar saves enough energy to watch T.V. for 3 hours!

 

2) Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

 

3) The American Buffalo is the only mammal that can still be impregnated after it has died (but only for the first eighteen minutes after its death)! 

 

4) A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!

 

5) The most used letter in the English alphabet is 'E', and 'Q' is the least used!

 

6) The average American/Canadian drinks 600 sodas a year!

 

 

Weird Facts

 

--It is illegal to go barefoot in Austin, TX without a $5 permit.

 

--If you are asked to leave Calgary it is required that you be given a horse and three days rations.

 

--In Orlando FL it is legal to tie an elephant to a parking meter if you feed the meter.

 

 

 

Seminars For Men (Given by Females)

 

--Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

 

--Garbage -- Getting it to the curb

 

--How to put the toilet lid down (formerly, "No, it's not a bidet")

 

--"The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

 

--How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

 

--The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency

 

--Helpful hints for couch potatoes

 

--Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too

 

--Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home

 

--Seeing the true you...You don’t look like Mel Gibson!

 

--Changing your underwear -- It really works

 

--Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary

 

--Techniques for calling home

 

 

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. --Rich Cook

 

 

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'" - George Carlin

 

 

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

---Ernest Hemingway

 

101 Easy Ways to Say No

 

I'd love to, but...

1.I have to floss my cat.
2.I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3.I want to spend more time with my blender.
4.The President said he might drop in.
5.The man on television told me to say tuned.
6.I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7.I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8.It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9.It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10.I'm building a pig from a kit.
11.I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12.I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13. There's a disturbance in the Force.
14. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15.I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16.I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17.I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18.I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19.I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20.My crayons all melted together.
21.I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22.I'm in training to be a household pest.
23. I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24.My patent is pending.
25.I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26.I'm sandblasting my oven.
27.I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28.I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29.I'm being deported.
30.The grunion are running.
31.I'll be looking for a parking space.
32.My Millard Fillmore Fan Club meets then.
33.The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34.I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35.I have to fluff my shower cap.
36.I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37.I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38.I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39.My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40.I have to fulfill my potential.
41.I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42. It's too close to the turn of the century.
43.I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44.My subconscious says no.
45.I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46.I left my body in my other clothes.
47. The last time I went; I never came back.
48.I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49.I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50.None of my socks match.
51.I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52. I'm having all my plants neutered.
53.People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54.I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55. I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56.I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57. My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58.I'm touring China with a wok band.
59.My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60.I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61. My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62.I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63.I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64.I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65.I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66.I have too much guilt.
67.There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68.I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69.I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70.I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71.I feel a song coming on.
72.I'm trying to be less popular.
73.My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74.I have to bleach my hare.
75.I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76. I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77.You know how we psychos are.
78.My favorite commercial is on TV.
79.I have to study for a blood test.
80.I'm going to be old someday.
81.I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82.I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83.I have to rotate my crops.
84.My uncle escaped again.
85.I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86.I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87. I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88.I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89.I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90.I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91.Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92.I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93.I have to jog my memory.
94. My palm reader advised against it.
95.My Dress for Obscurity class meets then.
96.I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97.I prefer to remain an enigma.
98.I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99.I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100.I'm trying to cut down.
101.... well, maybe.

 

 

49 Things To Do In A Boring Lecture!

 

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.
2. Heckle the professor.
3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture

    for a friend.
4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.
5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.
6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.
7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.
8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.
9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to

    someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.
10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and

      pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes

      for you.
11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.
12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor.
13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.
14. While taking notes, write TCK! every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's

      syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."
16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.
17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer

      Night's Dream".
18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that

      you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.
19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.
20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat

      breakfast.
21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and

      you didn't have time to change out of it.
22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole

      menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.
23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.
24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the

      lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave.

      Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.
25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.
26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication
      that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming.     

      Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.
27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class.

      If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If

      the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.
28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.
29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.
30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone

      complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.
31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.
32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is

      a homework assignment for art class.
33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him,

      and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.
34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the

      real professor said you could have lecture outside.
35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.
36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folgers Crystals and see if the

      professor notices. Have a hidden camera.
37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.
38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modeling clay.
39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when

      he/she doesn't understand you.
40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team.

      Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.
41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor

      Johnson!! They let him teach again! NOOOOOOOOO!" then run out of them room. See how

      many people follow you.
42.Turn your row into a mosh pit.
43.Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.
44.Two words: American Gladiators.
45.Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!")
46.Bring popcorn. Throw it at the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't

     what they used to be.
47.Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every15 minutes.
48.When the professor calls on you, mumble incomprehensibly. Answer every question in this

     fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.
49.When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats

     off your paper.

 

 

How to order a pizza by phone


1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST- EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Ceezer! Ceezer!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a factual pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack- it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance for your pizza.
88. When they say "Will that be all?" snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say #100. in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

 

 

50 Ways to Get Rid of a Blind Date

 

1.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
2.When ordering inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
3.Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
4.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
5.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
6.Excuse yourself to use the rest room. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
7.Recite limericks to the people at the table next to you.
8.Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
9.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forehead. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
10. Order a bucket of lard.
11.Ask for crayons to color the place mat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.
12.Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
13.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
14.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
15.Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
16.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
17.Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
18.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
19.Drool.
20.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
21.Sacrifice french fries to a Pagan god.
22.Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
23.Hold a debate. Take both sides.
24. Address your date in the third person, yourself in the second.
25.Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
26.After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
27.Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.
28.Order beef tongue. Tell stories about how you used to eat it back on the farm.
29.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
30.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
31.Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
32.Take a break, and go into the rest room. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
33.Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
34.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
35.Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
36.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
37.Ask your date how much money they have with them.
38.Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
39.During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.
40.Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.
41.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
42.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
43.Repeat every third third word you say say.
44.Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
45.Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.
46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47.Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
48.Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
49.Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking to the CIA.
50.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

 

50 things to do during a movie...


1.) Inform the entire theater that you have to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute or so, spill your drink on the floor, and tell everyone that you feel better now.
2.) Applaud.
3.) Laugh loudly during serious and sad scenes.
4.) Sing along with the background music.
5.) Whenever someone opens a door yell "Don't go in there, he's got a gun!"
6.) Snore.
7.) Yell "Hey, down in front!" even if you are sitting in the front.
8.) Make shadow puppets.
9.) If you've seen the movie before, say what's going to happen right before it happens. Act amazed at your wonderful foresight.
10.) Walk around behind the screen. Jump through it. Run like hell.
11.) Pull out a gun and shoot the "bad guys."  Tell people that you are a part of this new "live action" movie. Shoot any movie personnel telling you to stop.
12.) Read the credits out loud.
13.) Dress as a cheerleader. Keep the actors' enthusiasm up.
14.) Stand by the screen and sign the movie.
15.) Rip off one end of a straw wrapper and blow in the straw. The wrapper will fly across the theater, hopefully hitting someone.
16.)(Variation of above) dip the wrapper end in ketchup. This will make it a permanent part of the screen.
17.) If it's an adult film, go up to the projector room and replace the film with a Disney film.
18.) Talk loudly to a friend. Whenever someone else makes the slightest noise, tell them they are being very inconsiderate for disrupting your viewing pleasure.
19.)Put exlax in the drinks. Lock all the doors.
20.) Say "beep" loudly at every vulgarity. Tell those objecting that you are from the EPA here to stop noise pollution.
21.) Throw Runts at people so you can use the drive by fruiting joke.
22.) Sacrifice small furry creatures in the front of the theater.
23.) Sit by the aisle. Trip everyone that walks by.
24.) Walk in front of the screen, fall, and lay there for a few minutes. Then get up and go back to your seat as if nothing happened. Do it again every ten minutes.
25.) Play an instrument appropriate for the movie: western-banjo, comedy-cazoo, action-synthesizer or guitar, mystery-bad whistle, horror-cowbell or afucha, etc.
26.) Say the lines with the movie, in Swahili.
27.) Collect donations for charity.
28.) Bring a portable TV Watch the ball game. Cheer loudly.
29.) Aerosol can. Zippo. 'nuff said.
30.) Throw paper airplanes. Announce their take off like air traffic control personnel.
31.) Candle + flashpaper = fireballs!
32.) Yell "Ow!" after every gunshot.
33.) Stand on your head in the isle during the duration of the movie.
34.) Have a barbecue.
35.) Gargle your Pepsi.
36.) Juggle.
37.) Bowl in the isle.
38.) Get a realistic looking and sounding cap gun. Go to the front of the theater and exclaim that "The movie is depressing you." Shoot yourself in the head and fall dead. After about a minute get up and go back to you seat. Remain silent the rest of the movie.
39.) Play Battleship with someone across the theater.
40.) Wear a trench coat and sunglasses. Whenever someone enters or exits the theater ask to see their identification.
41.) Do shots.
42.) Eat a lot of beans or chili before the movie. Hope the theater is crowded.
43.) Leave death threats on various seats. Give sinister glances to people as they leave the theater.
44.) Break into a chorus of "Green Acres" during climatic parts of the movie.
45.) Do some needlepoint. Suddenly yell "Ow! That hurt. Whoah cool, it's spurting."
46.) Find the light switch. Turn the lights on.
47.) Throw water balloons.
48.) Bring lots of gerbils and mice. Think snowball fight.
49.) Have a friend call your beeper every 5 minutes. Make sure it's loud.
50.) Throw smoke grenades.

 

 

How to Be Annoying

1.) Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
2.) Drum on every available surface.
3.) Edit someone’s spell check so that only Russian words are spelled right.
4.) Sing the Batman theme song incessantly.
5.) Staple papers in the middle of the page.
6.) Ask 800 operators for dates.
7.) Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings
8.) Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
9.) Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
10.) Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
11.) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12.) Set alarms for random times
13.) Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beep Bip Bip Beep Bip..."
14.) Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
15.) Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
16.) Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
17.) Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18.) Honk and wave to strangers
19.) Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
20.) Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
21.) Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
22.) Wear your pants backwards.
23.) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
24.) Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
25.) Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reeds "Metal Machine Music."
26.) Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
27.) Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
28.) Pay for your dinner with pennies.
29.) Tie jingle bells to all of your clothes.
30.) Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
31.) Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" on all of someone's road maps.
32.) Inform everyone that you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
33.) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
34.) Light road flares on a birthday cake.
35.) Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
36.) Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
37.) Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
38.) At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
39.) When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells..." until physically restrained.
40.) Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."....... and run up and down the halls.
41.) As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
42.) Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
43.) Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
44.) Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
45.) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
46.) Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
47.) Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
48.) Drive half a block.
49.) Name your dog "Dog."
50.) Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
51.) Ask people what gender they are.
52.) Reply to everything someone says with "That’s what YOU think."
53.) Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
54.) Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
55.) Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
56.) Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
57.) Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
58.) Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
59.) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
60.) Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
61.) Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
62.) Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
63.) Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
64.) Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
65.) Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
66.) Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
67.) Wear a LOT of cologne.
68.) Ask to "interface" with someone.
69.) Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
70.) Sing along at the opera.
71.) Mow your lawn with scissors.
72.) At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
73.) Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with the prophecy"
74.) Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
75.) Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
76.) Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
77.) Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
78.) Stare at static on the TV and ask other if they can see the "hidden picture."
79.) Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
80.) Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
81.) Never make eye contact.
82.) Never break eye contact.
83.) Signal that the conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
84.) Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
85.) Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
86.) Give a play-by -play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossel voice.
87.) Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
88.) Make appointments for the 31st of September.
89.) Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
90.) Glue change to the floor at any public place.

 

 

64 ways to make Cops mad

1) When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
2) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3) When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4) If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
5) Touch him.
6) When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
7) Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
8) Refer to him by his first name.
9) Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
10) When he says no, cry.
11) If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
12) If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
13) If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
14) When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
15) When he puts the handcuffs on, demand that he handcuff your feet together too.  Then try to run away.
16) Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
17) After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
18) Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
19) When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
20) When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
21) Trip and fall into him.
22) Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
23) Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
24) Chew on the pen, nervously.
25) Clean your ear with the pen.
26) If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
27) Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
28) Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
29) Act like you are retarded.
30) When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
31) Or mumble to yourself.
32) When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
33) Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......
34) Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
35) When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
36) Ask if he watches Cops.
37) Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
38) Giggle if he did.
39) Talk to your hand.
40) Ask if he knows someone named Joe.  Swear that they must.  Give descriptions of him.  If he says, oh yeah, him, change the description.
41) Accuse him of picking his nose.  Say you saw it in the rear view mirror.
42) When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
43) When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
44) Try to sell him your car.
45) Ask if you can buy his car.
46) If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
47) Play with the siren.
48) If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
49) If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
50) Oops...I meant OVER for dinner.
51) Ask if he ever had pun-tang.
52) If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
53) If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
54) When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
55) When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
56) Turn your head and whistle.
57) When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
58) If you are female, ask repeatedly if he is asking you out.
59) If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
60) Ask if you can see his gun.
61) When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
62) Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
63) Tell him you like men in uniform.
64) Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.

 

 

47 Things You Never Say To A Cop

 

1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was going'!
2. Can you hand me your gun?
3. Care for a doughnut?
4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.
5. What exactly is "legally drunk"?
6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about best of three?
9. If I were you I'd let me go!
10. Met your quota? Happy now?
11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name right now!
12. You should give the ticket to my unreliable cruise control.
13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
15. Hey Idiot! Buckle UP!
16. Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now I'd get out of this truck and kick your butt.
17. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer Butthead!
18. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college?
19. You can't do that, this isn't my car!
20. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?
21. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This isn't my beer either!
22. I dare ya to arrest me!
23. Ha ha! I got your guu-uun! (long on gun as in a mocking tone)
24. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that you’re on foot! (and drive away)
25. Can i borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can't write me up!
26. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something
27. No officer! That beer is Ralph's. No, he's sitting right there! Don't ya see him?
28. 60 mph in a 30mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
29. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
30. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
31. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
32. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
33. Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
34. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
35. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
36. Bad cop! No donut!
37. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
38. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
39. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
40. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
41. So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
42. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
43. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
44. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
45. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
46. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
47. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

 

 

Horror Film Wisdom

1) After you've killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who were mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately.
6) Should you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go out alone.
7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's planning on having a "good time" and they're all youth counselors... and especially especially don't tag along if they're all going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out.
8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately.
11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
14) If you're running from the monster, plan on stumbling needlessly at least two times... more if you are female.
15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes and/or slime... immediately excuse yourself from the conversation and drive away.
16) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed whackers or any device made from their own severed limbs.
17) Listen closely to the soundtrack.
18) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with icy things because "there's so much we can learn from them".
19) Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
20) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.
21) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out.
22) If you walk into the local abandoned church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.
23) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
24) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.
25) If any animals, such as Birds, Piranhas, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, expect to soon find many more. Plan on this. Leave.
26) Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.
27) Do not allow crew mates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.
28) Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)
29) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.
30) DO NOT go into the dark room.
31) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
32) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
33) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.
34) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
35) If the Master does not approve, neither do you.
36) Never handle the rat monkey cage.
37) Your dog can take care of itself.
38) Always believe what the aged priest says.
39) If you find yourself often standing in shadows and saying very little, or especially if you were ever or are currently a "bully", you are probably not a main character. Commit suicide at once.
40) Whenever possible, no matter how unnecessary it may seem, always empty all the bullets you have into the monsters head.
41) People driven by vengeance always die.
42) Mentioning any goals in life, anything you have to look forward to, or any loved ones will invariably get you killed.
43) Feel no guilt.
44) If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take, and to get to the subway you have to go through dark underground stations.
45) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!
46) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not, that's their tough luck.
47) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Remember, good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!
48) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. For fun, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you will feel strangely compelled to avoid.
49) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule the world!

 

 

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Plain Scare People in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
7. Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top- secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (it helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A-flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until, you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to yours screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
50. Two words: Tesly Coil

 

 

50 Fun Things To Do In A Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shock.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen,...
9....But save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're, "astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of
World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes appartments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the, "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have a combo toaster/washing machine.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see
London, I see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the
Hammond organ dealer if he can play, "Doggie Jingle Bells".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will, "give you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have, "any giant crap made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing, "Saved by the
Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling, "scratch one flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are, "leak proof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, home of the Big Foot Big Six. May I take your order please?"
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know, "whether they've seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

 

 

You Know You Are A Computer NERD If....

1. Your web page is more popular than you.
2. Your favorite sport is Tetris.
3. You know what fuzzy logic is.
4. You talk to your computer.
5. When given a choice, you look at Computer Shopper instead of Car and Driver.
6. You argue with your computer.
7. Your computer has its own phone line.
8. You have dreams involving your computer.
9. You try to pick up women/men on chat lines.
10. You can talk in JavaScript.
11. You spend Friday nights with your computer.
12. You ask a woman/man for her/his email address instead of her/his phone number.
13. You've never actually met many of your friends.
14. You remember how to use DOS.
15. You think Bill Gates is "a cool guy."
16. Only computer users can understand you.
17. Your home page is longer than your resume.
18. You've ever installed Linux.
19. You've missed the X-Files because you wanted to play on your computer.
20. You always understand Dilbert.
21. You regularly drink Jolt cola.
22. You spend more time on the Internet than you do sleeping.
23. You have multiple email addresses.
24. You've ever setup a LAN in your house.
25. You understood the above statement.
26. You search the Internet for computer humor like this.
27. Your idea of hurrying is typing faster.
28. You keep spare mouse pads.
29. You buy your computer gifts.
30. You've ever been dumped for paying too much attention to your computer.
31. Someone mentions foreign language and you think "Cobol".
32. You regularly use a tape backup on files you have the original disks for.
33. You get a new computer, take it out of the box, and you immediately remove the case.
34. You have ever called home to check on your computer.
35. You do processes in DOS instead of Windows not because it is faster, but because it just confuses people.
36. You've ever considered getting a tattoo of the "Intel Inside" logo.
37. You have a pet name for your computer.
38. You know every law about computer piracy by heart, because you've been convicted on all of them.
39. You no longer interact with your family, you send them email instead; in the same house.
40. You check your email before you check your answering machine.
41. You can program the next best thing to Windows, but you still can't get your VCR to stop flashing.
42. You have more insurance on your computer than on your children.
43. You receive more chat requests than phone calls.
44. You stopped paying for call waiting because it kept knocking you off-line.
45. You don't immediately go into gibbering panic when you hear of a new computer virus.
46. You've ever emailed your assignment in to your professor.
47. You've ever tried to see how far you can move the mouse without turning off the screen saver.
48. You have dialed 911 and faxed them your problem.
49. You call in sick to work over your computer.
50. Your first aid kit contains Norton's Anti-Virus.
51. You know what the acronyms HTML, URL, ISP, and HTTP each stand for.
52. You tinker with computers at work all day, and when you finally get off work, you rush home to tinker with your computer.
53. You dedicate your home page to your favorite actor/actress in hopes that she will see it and desire to meet you.
54. You have more than one home page.
55. The closest you ever come to human interaction is live video conferencing.
56. You have a better computer system at home than at work.
57. You get jealous when other people use your computer.
58. You run back into your burning home to rescue your computer, but you leave the dog/children/spouse.
59. You know exactly how much hard drive space you have free, but you don't know your spouse's birthday.
60. You run Windows 98 and Windows 3.1 just because you can.
61. You have the high score on Jezz Ball.
62. You know what word 31337 stands for.
63. You keep spare computer parts around the house.

64. You don’t know what paper is.

 

 

136 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenus.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When she/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlety. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.  Store them on your roommate’s bed.  Claim you were raised by catfish, and are hoping to find your long-lost family.  Get real offended if he tries to move them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ball-point pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster or The Boog. Sacrifice his underwear every other week.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Weird Al Yancovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 48 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. If you have a dresser, randomly switch your drawers with his.  Blame it on leprechauns

49. Give him/her an allowance.

50. Listen to radio static.
51. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
52. Cry a lot.
53. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
54. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
55. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
56. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
57. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
58. Put Barbies under his bed (GI Joe’s for girls). Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
59. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
60. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
61. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 62 seconds then hang up.
62. Convince him/her that you can’t go to sleep each night unless they check to see if there is a gorilla in the fridge.  After about a month of this, get a friend to dress up in a gorilla suit, take all the shelves out, and put him in the fridge.

63. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.  Claim that they saw you getting ready to go take a shower and beat you to it out of spite.
64. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
65. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
66. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
67. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
68. Follow him/her around on weekends.
69. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
70. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
71. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
72. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
73. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
74. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything.
75. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
76. Let mice loose in his/her room.
77. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
78. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
79. Skip to the bathroom.
80. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
81. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in the living room.  Say it’s a new type of beanbag.
82. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
83. Write letters to yourself pretend they’re from the CIA.  Eat them when finished reading and run out humming the Mission: Impossible theme song.
84. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
85. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
86. Ask for Kleenex.  When he/she hands you the box, rip it up, throw away the tissues and blow you nose with the remains of the box.
87. Burn incense.
88. Eat moths.
89. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
90. Collect Chia-Pets.  Place them in the shower, claiming their natural habitat is a rain forest.
91. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
92. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
93. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.  Compliment them on whatever that new air-freshener is they are using.
94. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out screaming Bhutto!
95. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
96. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
97. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
98. Don't ever flush.
99. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
100. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
101. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
102. Dress in drag.
103. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
104. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
105. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
106. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
107. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
108. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a headache.
109. Start a breeding farm for llamas.
110. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
111. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure he/she follows it.
112. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
113. Invite the school President to sleep over.
114. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
115. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
116. Walk into walls.
117. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
118. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
119. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
120. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, "I'm watching you."
121. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until he/she comes out.
122. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
123. Open a can of HIS beans or spaghetti, empty it into his bed and then replace the can in his cupboard.
124. Crumble a few packs of crisps into his bed.....they take ages to clear off again.
125. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating (useful, as my housemate can't wire a plug up)
126. Move all of his furniture outside
127. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
128. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and throw the tape out the window screaming "Fly, be Free! Fly, be Free!"  Act really mad at them for subjecting “your friends” to bondage.
129. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
130. Invite your roomie to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
131. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
132. Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
133. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating.
134. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
135. Pretend you are Jan Brady.
136. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and awfully rude every sentence.

 

 

How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace

1. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
2. Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
3. Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
8. Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
11. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
12. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." "Hey Bucko, are we meeting later?"etc...
14. Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m.. or 2:37 p.m., or 10:16 a.m..
16. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
17. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
18. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
20. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
21. Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
23. Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
24. Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when s/he leaves.
25. When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
26. Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
27. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
28. Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
29. Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytime.
30. "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
34. Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." or "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
35. Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
37. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
38. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your own children.
39. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc.... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
40. See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
41. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
42. Put a sign on the copier that says, "Voice Activated. Speak loudly into the panel"

 

 

"I had the worst study habits in the history of college, until I found out what I was doing wrong – highlighting with a black magic marker."

-Jeff Altman

 

 

A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

 

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.' ...and the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17)

 

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

 

Ten-year-old Mark shouted out: "You can't keep a good man down!"

 

 

A young woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit clearly does not want to be there.

 

"Sit, Fluffy," she says.

 

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

 

"I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, embarrassed. But Fluffy only squats in the middle of the room and does its business.

 

The rabbit then starts a fight with someone's cat pursues it out of the office.

 

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the customers in the waiting room and says, "Pardon me...but I just washed my hare, and can't do a thing with it!"

 

 

The Best Ways to Annoy People On The Subway

 

-Stick your feet way out into the aisles when sitting down. Extra points if you're wearing clown shoes.

 

-Take large objects on the train with you.

 

-Sing songs.  Start a round with everyone on the train.

 

-Eat onions and garlic and talk to the people next to you.

 

-Sell stuff.

 

-Stand in front of the doorway and glare at people when they try to get by.

 

-Yell to your friends at the other end of the train.

 

-Make fun of other people while they are in hearing distance of you.

 

-Ride the train while drunk.  Extra points if you throw up.

 

-Constantly ask people for directions.

 

-Ask people where they are from.

 

-Ask people where they are going.

 

-Quiz people on the meaning of life.

 

-Start a game of poker.  Extra points if you use old pieces of gum as chips.

 

-Start a game of tag.  Extra points if it's freeze tag.

 

-Start a game of Twister.

 

-Use a cell phone.  Talk loudly.

 

-Turn your headphones up to 120 decibels and then complain loudly that they just don't make headphones loud enough anymore.

 

-Shake off your umbrella on the people sitting down.

 

-Shake off your hair on the people sitting down.

 

-Wring out your shirt on the people sitting down. Even on days when it's not raining.  Make them wonder where it all came from.

 

-Ring out the shirt of the person sitting next to you.  Extra points if you get slapped.

 

-Bring a pet.  Preferably a rattlesnake.  Without a cage.

 

-Juggle eggs.

 

-Juggle knives.

 

-Juggle babies.

 

-Don't take a shower for a month.

 

-Tell the people your problems.  They really want to know.

 

-Start line dancing.  Even when there's no music.  Extra points if you provide music A Capella.

 

-Use the shoulder of the person next to you to take a nap.

 

-Use the shoulder of the person next to you to blow your nose.

 

-Use the shoulder of the person next to you to cry.

 

-Have deep philosophical conversations about belly button lint.

 

-Play an accordion for money.  Make people pay you to stop.

 

-Jump up and down muttering "Gotta go, gotta go," then frown and say "Oops."

 

-Get on while carrying live ammo.  Oh...wait, that's for how to kill people on the subway.

 

-Wear a Burger King crown and tell everyone that they must bow before royalty.  Hit those who don't.

 

-See how many different pick-up lines you can use on the train driver.

 

-Use pennies in the turnstile.

 

-Hijack the train.

 

 

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

 

“Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

 

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

 

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

 

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

 

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.

 

They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

 

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

 

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year,"

 

Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

 

"Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked.

 

"It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

 

 

Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

 

Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

 

Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

 

Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

 

Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

 

Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual.  A copy of "Relaxing Dress without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

 

Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.

 

 

"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.'" -Louie Anderson

 

 

The length of a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

 

 

A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St. Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

 

One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other phone rang.

 

His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis calling."

 

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking to Christ."

 

 

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

 

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

 

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

 

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

 

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

 

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

 

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

 

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I just sip some coffee right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

 

 

The trouble with hitting the jackpot on a slot machine is that it takes so long to put the money back.

 

 

IF ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER WAS GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA...

 

10. His promise to Californians: "The electricty will be baaaaaack!"

 

9. He could wrestle Jesse Ventura -- winner gets the loser's state!

 

8. Formal state dinners held at Planet Hollywood.

 

7. Democratic celebrities would mysteriously start disappearing.

 

6. There would be a new Survivor 3, based on "The Running Man."

 

5. He and George W. Bush could help each other get edjumacated in speaking English.

 

4. His office: Muscle Beach

 

3. Ronald Reagan would be granted Total Recall.

 

2. Citizens would do hard time for flabby triceps.

 

1. He would have to give up his current job and start acting for a living!

 

 

The Dreaded Amish Flu...

 

First, you get a little hoarse.

Then, you get a little buggy.

 

 

Old People Humor

 

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.  Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

 

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

 

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

 

"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."

 - Stan Laurel

 

 

Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "Get out! We don't serve your type here."

 

 

What Your Car Says About You...

 

Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires.

 

Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

 

Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.

 

Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people.

 

Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.

 

Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis.

 

Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

 

Ford Mustang- I slow down to 85 in school zones.

 

Ford Crown Victoria- I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.

 

Geo Tracker- I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

 

Honda Civic- I have just graduated and have no credit.

 

Infiniti Q45- I am a doctor with 17 malpractice suits pending.

 

Jaguar- I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

 

Lincoln Town Car- I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

 

Plymouth Neon- I enjoy doing the Macarena.

 

Porsche 944- I am dating a model who would otherwise wouldn't look at me.

 

Volkswagon Beetle- I still watch Partridge Family reruns.

 

Volvo 740 Wagon- I am afraid of my wife.

 

 

"Now tell me, Miss Jones," said the senior partner to his junior employee, "why is it important that we observe all of the major holidays?"

 

"To impress upon the employees that the company can get along without them," she responded promptly.

 

 

The Coast Guard was called out to rescue a small sailboat in trouble. The rescue boat called the foundering vessel on the radio to get the its location: "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"

 

And the reply came back, "My position? I'm marketing director of a software company in the East Midlands."

 

 

On my income tax 1040 it says, "Check this box if you are blind."

 

I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

 

 

A Lesson Learned...

                             

"So, how does Samantha like being pregnant?" Mark asked his friend Larry.

                             

"Oh, she's not pregnant," Larry replied, "she's expecting."

                             

"OK... So what's the difference?" Mark pressed.

                             

"Well, Larry explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . . ."

 

 

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

 

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR LOSING AN ELECTION:

 

1.  Shouldn't have delivered all my campaign speeches in Spanish.

 

2.  Low turnout among my strongest supporters: Preschoolers and the recently deceased.

 

3.  Didn't know camera was on when I took a leak behind the podium.

 

4.  Should have kept quiet about seeing, "Hello, Dolly!" 63 times.

 

5.  Misread memo advising me to, "kiss babies" as "kiss babes."

 

6.  Maybe cutting off all my shirts to expose my midriff wasn't such a great idea.

 

7.  Accidentally released negative campaign ads about myself.

 

8.  Big mistake: Proving I'm not a racist by doing my adorable "Buckwheat" character.

 

9.  Uninspired slogan:  "Vote for me if you get the chance."

 

10.  Want to campaign, but I couldn't tear myself away from "Must-see TV."

 

 

THE DARNDEST THING

 

In the Midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning.

 

In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.  A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

 

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt.  She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

 

"It was the darndest thing.  It was the darndest thing," she kept repeating.

 

"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

 

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug, and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away."

 

 

PARTY SIZE

 

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?"

 

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

 

"No!" exploded the teacher.  "I mean, how MANY members does it have?  How on earth did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

 

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall, and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says...'I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!'"

 

 

How did the farmer fix his jeans?

 

With a cabbage patch!

 

 

Valentine's Day Cards

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.

 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

 

 

Go Figure...

                             

A woman went out to her mail box and looked in it, closed it again, and then went back into her house.

                             

A few minutes later, she went out and looked in the mail box again, then closed it and went back inside, once again empty-handed.

                             

After several more trips, a watchful neighbor raking his lawn commented, "You must be expecting a very important letter today!"

                             

“No” the blonde answered, looking puzzled, "Actually I am working on my computer... But it keeps telling me that I have mail!"

                              

 

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.  That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." - Jay Leno

 

 

"To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life." - Dave Barry

 

 

"If you had a quarter," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"

 

"One quarter." answered little Johnny

 

"You don't know your arithmetic." said the teacher shaking her head.

 

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father."

 

 

A businessman had a tiring day on the road.  He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

 

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number.  He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Joe, could you please tell me what room I am in?"

 

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

 

 

TECHNICAL SUPPORT REQUEST FROM CLIENT:

 

Last year, I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.  No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.  In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

 

Applications such as Pokernight 1.03, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.  I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications.  I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on the program Wife 1.0.  Can you help me, please?

 

Thanks, Dan

 

 

TECHNICAL SUPPORT'S REPLY TO CLIENT:

 

Dear Dan:

 

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception.  Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.  Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.  It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.  It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.  Some have tried to install girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system.

 

Look in your manual under:  "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."  I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.  Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).  You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.  The best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE.  In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key, because ultimately, you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.  The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but requires very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.  I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.  Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

 

The lady at the bank asked, 'What do you want on your checks, wildlife, scenery?' I said, 'I want a picture of a big, thick-necked guy on my checks. A bouncer - that's what my checks are going to be.'" -Bob Kubota

 

 

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

 

"Would you spell that, please?"

 

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

 

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

 

 

Breathe through your nose says the swimming instructor. That will keep your mouth shut. Not bad advice on land either.

 

 

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer.  One man even leaves.

 

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

 

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.  The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

 

"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at over three hundred pounds.

 

"I don't want you to swallow them.  Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time."

 

 

Road Rage...

                             

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

                             

I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

                             

"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.

                             

"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I'm terribly sorry... You see, I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."

                             

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there now?"

                              

 

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES:

 

1.  It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

 

2.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 

3.  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

 

5.  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

6.  When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

 

7.  No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

 

8.  Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

 

9.  When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.  If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

 

10.  You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

 

11.  Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

 

12.  An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

 

13.  Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

 

 

PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS

 

One night, a wife found her husband standing over their infant's crib.  As she watched him looking down at their very first baby, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: Disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

 

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.  "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

 

"It's amazing!" he replied.  "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

 

 

TRIP TO THE DOCTOR

 

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.  "Come now," the doctor coaxed, "you've been seeing me for years!  There's nothing you can't tell me."

 

"This one's kind of strange..."

 

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

 

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

 

"I see."

 

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

 

"Uh-huh."

 

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters!  You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored.  "I'm scared out of my wits!"

 

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.  "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.  You're simply going through the change!"

 

 

"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!

-Thomas Edison's Mother

 

 

"I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work very well. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my mortality." -Mitch Hedberg

 

 

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20mph for it to start.

 

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

 

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

 

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions...

 

 

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

 

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end, and Dad was flagged down. He greeted the officer with a cheery "Good morning."

 

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer. "Having trouble taking off?"

 

 

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

 

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

 

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: "Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

 

 

One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere.

 

He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."

 

The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"

 

 

I worked for the late Joseph Artman, who taught physics at Carnegie Melon University.  I enjoyed his favorite recollection:

 

On the first day of a semester, Professor Artman, clad in his usual flannel shirt, work pants, and boots, was cleaning the blackboard.  Two freshmen entered his classroom and took seats.  After he finished and without saying a word, Artman proceeded to write out a series of equations for his upcoming class.

 

One student looked at the other and said, "Wow, this is a tough school! Look, even the janitor knows calculus."

 

 

Congress Embraces Internet Technology in Campaign Finance Reform

 

Priceline.com's stock soared and Ebay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law.

 

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to "name your own price" for congressional influence.  "This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets."

 

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and "name their own price" to influence a member of the House.  Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

 

 

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

 

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

 

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

 

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

 

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

 

 

NEW IN TOWN

 

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy.  "Will you please direct me to the bank?"

 

"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars." answered the boy.

 

"Why should I pay you so much?" argued the man.

 

"Because bank directors are always highly paid."

 

 

A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE

 

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.  It was so far out; there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

 

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so.  The mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

 

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!  Spank him again!" the 5-year-old said.

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

Legendary Chicago guitarist Terry Kath died a week before his 32nd birthday in front of his wife and friends in a one-man shootout. An avid collector of guns, he had brought several of his metal friends to a party along with his wife. After the party broke up, he began to play with his guns.

 

First he spun his .38 revolver on his finger, brought it to his temple, and pulled the trigger. Click! He knew the gun was not loaded. Then he picked up a 9-mm automatic pistol. The host of the party asked him to stop, and as Terry pulled the clip from the weapon, he reassured him,

"Don't worry, it's not loaded." Then Terry raised the pistol and put a bullet through his head.

 

This popular musician and long-time gun enthusiast forgot that an automatic automatically chambers a bullet, so removing the clip does not disarm the weapon. He death was classified an inadvertent suicide.

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

A 24-year-old supermarket shoplifter stuffed a pair of live lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door, but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their powerful claws around his delicate parts.

 

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a do-it-yourself vasectomy."

 

The supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."

 

 

You might be a redneck if ...

 

--Your mother in law gave birth to you

 

--If you call your teacher a "yungun"

 

--If your church preaches the word of Willie Nelson

 

--If you think redneck jokers otta be hanged

 

--If HBO wasn't allowed to make a documentary on you because of FCC decency codes

 

--If your wife can fart for over an hour nonstop

 

--If every song you ever heard has the words "honky-tonk" and "jukebox" in it

 

--If you see intelligent people on Jerry Springer.

 

--If your cat is an Endangered species

 

--If you thought The Lockhorns is your life story

 

--If your sister is named "Billy-Sue"

 

--If your wife has more hair on her legs than her head, but not as much as is on your back

 

 

Lawyer Joke...

 

 A pipe had burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.

 

 The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

 

 The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

 

 The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

 

 

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter. The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in children's lives." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!"

 

 

Pastor Stan Holdeman of Garden Baptist Church in Indiana went to an informal church picnic, wearing shorts and a T-shirt. A little girl who had only ever seen him in his Sunday morning suits loudly proclaimed: "Hey, Pastor, you sure look different with clothes on!"

 

 

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in. He said, "Look, I just want to give a message to a friend in there."

 

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."

 

The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, then I'll be right out."

 

"All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying."

 

 

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

 

 

I can't figure out which covers less, the hospital gown or my insurance company.

 

 

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled at the college boy who delivered his pizza.

 

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

 

"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

 

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

 

"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.

 

"Applied psychology."

 

 

The Blonde Airline Stewardess

                             

An airline captain was breaking in a lovely new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

                             

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

                             

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

                             

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

 

If Only...

 

-If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

 

-If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

 

-If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

 

-If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

 

-If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

 

-If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

 

-If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

 

-If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

 

-If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

 

-If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

 

-If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

 

-G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

 

-If Jack married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

 

-If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

 

-If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

 

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

 

"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

 

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

 

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the work stations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

 

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, "It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

 

 

JOB SEARCH

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

 

"In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

 

"Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years...say, a red Corvette?"

 

"Wow! Are you kidding?"

 

"Yeah, but you started it."

 

 

PAYBACK

 

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.  The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play.  However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up.  Look how far away I am!  If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

 

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly.  Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets.  With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the will call window and snatches it up.  Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."

 

The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

 

"Thanks so much." says the theatergoer.  "This seat is perfect."  He then hands the usher a quarter for a tip.

 

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

 

 

COWS NIGHT OUT

 

Where do cows go on Saturday Night?

To the mooooooooooooovies.

 

 

More Things to Do at Wal-Mart

 

1.  Put boxes of  feminine hygiene products” in random guys’ carts when they aren’t looking.

2.  Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms. 

3.  Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 

 while humming the theme from 'Mission

4. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through, whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!" 

5. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"    

 

 

"I'm very behind when it comes to technology. My friends all want me to get a computer. I just got a cotton gin, and I can't figure out how to work that! I'm on the phone every day with tech support, 'Do I keep the seeds or the fuzzy stuff?'" -Matt Weinhold

 

 

"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish." -Tom Ryan

 

 

"I stopped for breakfast at the International House of Pancakes. As soon as you walk into the restaurant you catch the distinct, worldwide feel of the place. I was completely baffled by the complex menu. So I just had the flapjack du jour and the syrup steward helped me select a dry maple that was busy but not precocious." -Dennis Miller

 

 

A judge was hearing a straightforward drunk-driving case, but the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the lobby and told them that they were a jury.

 

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and the jury went into the jury-room to deliberate. The judge figured he would be going home soon, and everyone waited.

 

But one hour turned into two hours and finally after three hours, the judge was totally out of patience. He sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

 

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

 

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

 

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

 

 

A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.

 

Our blonde friend was stuck again.

 

The neighbor then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.

 

Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.

 

The neighbor then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

 

 

The Blessing

 

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?

 

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said.

 

Her daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

 

 

TIPPING THE FBI

 

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

 

"Yes. What do you want?"

 

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith.  He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

 

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 

The next day, the FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house.  They searched the shed where the firewood was kept.  Using axes, they busted open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.  They swore at Billy Bob and left.

 

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.  "Hey, Billy Bob!  Did the FBI come?"

 

"Yeah!"

 

"Did they chop your firewood?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

 

 

CARLINISMS

 

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

 

 

FISHING TRIP

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.  We'll be gone for a week.  This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box?  We're leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things up.  Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

 

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but she does what her husband asked.  The following weekend he comes home a little tired, but otherwise looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.  He says, "Oh, yes, but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

 

The wife replies, "I did.  They were in your tackle box!"

 

 

"I don't understand the body piercing movement. I saw one guy who had eight rings through his eyebrows. I couldn't help myself. I ran up to him and hung a shower curtain on his face."

 -Harland Williams

 

 

"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have confidence in a doctor who has his surgical gloves pinned to his sleeves?" -Joan Rivers

 

 

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a scrap of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

 

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much."

 

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

 

 

The young lady said to her betrothed, "What did my father say when you asked permission to marry me?"

 

"Not a lot, really." replied the man. "He threw his arms around me, started sobbing, and kept saying, 'Oh, thank you. Thank you'..."

 

 

A touching funeral was in progress and the preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

 

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

 

 

THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

 

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, from da Bronx."

 

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

 

Next, it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of New Covenant Tabernacle for the last 37 years."

 

Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

 

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

 

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter..."While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

 

 

DEAD FROG

 

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.  She inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.  "Dead," she was informed.

 

"How do you know?" she asked.

 

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child, innocently.

 

"You did WHAT?!?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

 

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and he didn't move."

 

 

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

 

 

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

 

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

 

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

 

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

 

 

Strength Vs. Age

 

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

 

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

 

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

 

Amanpreet was just a little sucker.  No more than 5'3" and 100 pounds soaking wet.  That's why he avoided confrontations at all cost.  He became a bus driver thinking, "Now, here's a job that will keep confrontations at bay forever."

 

One day, though, Preet's little secure world came to a close when this big sucker got on the bus at the "A" street stop. Seven feet, four inches tall, arms like tree-trunks.  This guy glared at Amanpreet, then boomed out, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!" Big John walked right past Amanpreet and sat in the back of the bus.

 

Amanpreet was upset about this, but what could he do?  John towered over him and would break him in half if Preet protested, so he let it go.

 

The next day, same route, same stop.  Big John gets on the bus, glares at Preet, and booms out, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!!!", turns and sits in the back.  Amanpreet is ashamed that he doesn't do something about this.

 

When Amanpreet gets home that evening he calls the local gym and schedules three months of training.  He calls his boss and tells him that he's taking a three-month sabbatical and will return in 90 days.

 

He goes through a grueling regimen with a sadistic instructor for those 90 days.  He bulks up, tones up, develops muscles, takes Karate, Judo -- in short becomes a lean mean Big John

Eating Machine.

 

On that next Monday, Amanpreet steers his bus confidently right to the "A" street stop.  Big John gets on, once again, and booms, "BIG JOHN DOESN'T PAY!!!"

 

But this time Amanpreet jumps up and says, "AND WHY NOT???"

 

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replies, "Big John has bus pass."

 

 

WHITE MAN SHOT BY POLICE, CONFUSION REIGNS

 

Police in Cincinnati, Ohio shot and killed a white man today, plunging the police department into chaos and confusion.

 

Police officials reported, "We don't know what to do.  There are no forms for this kind of thing.  Normally we've got fifteen levels of review, but we don't know what to do now.  Heck, the

Justice Department hasn't even called to ream us out."

 

Precinct commanders dispatched riot units, but not a single case of looting or property destruction was reported.  One white man was given a ticket for spitting on the sidewalk and two other whites were detained for crossing against a red light.

 

One police officer was quoted as saying, "It's durn scary how quiet it is.  It's almost like everyone is going on with their business like normal.  Freaky."

 

The Mayor of Cincinnati's office was also embroiled in turmoil. "We're actively seeking someone with whom to engage a series of dialogues to, uhhh, do something about, umm, this."

 

So far, no person or group has accepted the Mayor's offer to "enter into dialogue" about the shooting or its effect on the community.  The Mayor's office did report they received three phone calls wondering when the Cincinnati Reds' first home game would be.

 

 

ACTUAL RESUME TYPOS

 

Education:  College, August 1880-May 1984.

 

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

 

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

 

I'm a rabid typist.

 

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

 

 

MACHINE COMPETENCE

 

An applicant was asked if he was familiar with any machines.  He said, "Four."

 

"That's great.  What are the four machines?"

 

He said, "Coke, coffee, candy, and cigarette."

 

 

Weirdest Statements Made by Prospective Employees during an Interview

 

"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."

 

"People are always watching me."

 

"My legs are really hairy."

 

"I think I'm going to throw up."

 

"I feel uneasy indoors."

 

"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."

 

"I get excited very easily."

 

"At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."

 

"I am fascinated by fire.

 

 

One day a wily wizard...

 

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory.

 

Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage of his good, kind-hearted nature, and would steal his parking spot.

 

This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad!

 

 

The Coal Miner (in the same vein)

 

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage.

 

Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

A Huntingdon Valley man who dropped his keys in a portable toilet became stuck in the facilities while trying to rescue them. He hollered for help for 45 minutes, and eventually children playing in a nearby field heard his cries and alerted their parents. Police were forced to demolish the portable toilet to extricate the man, who had been standing in the redolent muck without his shoes or pants for an hour and a half.  Doctors treated him for cuts and bruises, and removed the toilet seat wedged around his hips. What a crappy situation to be in huh?

 

 

-Idiot Story-

 

A police officer who regularly lectured addiction counselors on the dangers of illicit drugs proved that actions speak louder than words when he was found dead of a heroin overdose. He had taken heroin and cocaine from police exhibits "without filing the proper forms" and apparently overdosed while experimenting with the narcotics. The officer clearly hadn't been paying attention during the D.A.R.E meetings.

 

 

CHEMISTRY EXAM

 

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire? (95 Points)."

 

 

APPLIANCE SHOPPING

 

A blonde goes to Sears' appliance department, and wants to buy a T.V. The salesman comes up and asks, "May I help you?" The blonde says, "I want to buy that TV." "I'm sorry, miss, we don't sell TV's to blondes." So the blonde goes home. She comes back the next day, and there's a different salesman working. She tells him, "I want to buy that T.V. "I'm sorry, miss we don't sell TV's to blondes." So the blonde goes home, thinking, "I'm going to fix them!" She dyes her hair, and she goes back to the store the next day. The first salesman she talked to was working. She says, "I want to buy that T.V." "Miss, I told you the other day, we don't sell TV's to blondes." "How did you know I was a blonde?" "Because, miss, that's a microwave!"

 

 

PLAYING IN THE SANDBOX

 

Little Johnny and Little Suzy were playing one day in the sand box, when all of a sudden little Johnny had to pee. Too embarrassed to say he had to pee in front of little Suzy, he tried to think of what his mother would do in this situation. Thinking he was quite clever he looked up and told Suzy, "I have to go powder my nose," and off he went to relieve himself. Upon returning, little Suzy asked him if everything went okay powdering his nose. He said everything was fine. "Well," she said, with a funny look on her face, "you better close you compact, because your lipstick is sticking out."

 

 

"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.'"   -- Norm McDonald

 

 

"Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird."    --Steven Wright

 

 

After a morning at the beach a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. Not having one the fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I let them spend a couple hours in the water." The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water. The warden says, "Now whistle and show me if those lobsters will come out of the water." The fisherman says, "What lobsters?"

 

 

Joe was sitting at the bar, sunk in misery. The bartender said, "You look awful, pal. What's your problem." Joe stared into his drink and said, "I'm tired of being a social outcast. I'm with the circus, you see, and clean up the animal cages. Well, it's not the most wonderful smell in the world and because of it people avoid me. It's not fair!" "I see what you mean," the bartender sniffed. "But I've got an idea. There are openings down at the factory. They are regular hours and it probably pays better than the circus. Why don't you apply?" "What!" asked Joe, a bit offended, "And leave show business?"

 

 

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll." The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"

 

 

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

 

 

All in a day's work...

                              

Some carpenters were working outside the old house and my wife had just finished washing the floor, when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom...

With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," she said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers."

“That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."