Now...Award-Winning!
"Ordeal by Cheque"
Call me Ishmael; I am a hamster…no wait…that’s not right…they always call me…uhh…oh yeah. “Mongrel.” And “Stupid. But I think I know what stupid means, so I’ll say “Mongrel.” I’m gonna use stupid in a sentence, too. So, I guess uhh…Call me Mongrel; I am a hamster. I am in a…uhh…they call it a “potato”, or something. “Potato.” Huh. Weird. All my friends go away in “potatoes”, too. I live in some place…port…oh yeah. “Puerto Rico.” Huh. Man, they use a lot of weird words. It was nice in “Puerto Rico.” I had a cage and…uhh…oh. A “water bottle.” And a “food dish.” And a little spinny-wheel-thingy that you get in and you run and run and run and then they all laugh at you. I don’t like it when they laugh at me…I just want to get up in the corner and burrow except they still see me because of some magical invisibility thing. That they see me through. Even when I hide. But sometimes they take me out and put me in a magical blue ball that I run around in. And get lost in. But they still see me. Because the blue is still the same magic invisibility thing. Which they call something. That I don’t remember. BUT YOU CAN’T EVEN RUN THROUGH IT IT’S SO STUPID!!! HAH! SEE?! I used stupid in a sentence. Hey. I’m not moving anymore. Am I in “Puerto Rico” again? The “potato” is opening up! EEEEEE!!!!!! LIGHT!!
*****
As I opened that potato, I knew I was illegally doing something illegal. It was funny. I laughed. HAHAHA! Like that. Ahhhh. The little hamster. I almost forgot what I was doing, with all the funniness. As I lifted the hamster from the potato, I knew I was illegally doing something illegal. Wait, that was already said previously before! Must remember not to do that again. HAHAHA! It was funny again. So I laughed. Again. Which happened before again. His little hamster eyes were closed tightly, so I helped him open them. Then the little hamster made a small little squeaky hamster sound, shuddered, and fell asleep. NOOO!!! The little hampster didn’t move, and then I went “Oh. He dead. WHY GOD WHY?!?!?!?!?!” I yelled. So then I did rescue breathing on the hamster. And he went “RRRREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!”, only littler and more hamster-y. And I went “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, and then I hit him with my hand, because he scared me. And then I went “NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE HAMSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY GOD??? WHY?!?!?!?”, just like that because he shuddered and fell asleep again. But not really, because he died. And then, this stupid guy behind me went “Hey! You just killed that hamster! Twice!” and then he made me mad, so I hit him. And then he fell over, shuddered, and fell asleep with his mouth open. He looked really funny with his mouth open. The hamster looked cold and the man’s mouth looked warm, so I put the hamster in his mouth. Then I forgot what I was doing and walked out of the store.
*****
When I walked in the store, I knew something was wrong. THE BOOTS WERE ALL DIRTY AND SCUFFED UP!!! Oh, and there was some guy laying on the floor with a hamster in his mouth. I looked for someone to clean my boots, but no one was there, except for the guy with the hamster in his mouth, so I walked out and went next door to the Goosie Gander Baby Shoppe to see if there was any babies for sale, but all they had were cribs and blankets and they were all to big for me so I walked back outside. When I went out there, some lady was yelling and screaming and pointing at The Bootery. She was annoying, so I arrested her for being annoying. Then she said “BUT—“ “NO LADY!! YOU HAVE TO BE QUIET BECAUSE I ARRESTED YOU!” Then some police showed up and they took care of her, I tell you what. Then some police guys went “Hey Detective Peter Ventizzi (because that’s my name)! Come over here and look at this picture and tell me what you see wrong.” So I went over there and there wasn’t any picture over there so I said “Boy, you guys got me real good, boy howdy! There’s no picture over here, yeah buddy!” Then the two police guys sighed and said, “How’d you ever get to be a detective?” then I said, “I WENT TO DETECTIVE SCHOOL!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Those stupid police officers don’t have any senses of humor. Then I went inside The Bootery and looked for someone to clean my boots and you know what happened? I tripped over some guy with a hamster in his mouth. I nudged him with my boot a little bit and when he didn’t move, I said “OH MY GOD!!! THIS MAN’S DEAD!!!”, and then I knew. I was on a case.
*****
A small Lawrence Exeter Jr. toddled out the door of his home and began walking down the street. In the shadows of a near by fire hydrant sat a small, black hamster. He wore a small black helmet and a small black cape. As soon a Lawrence got close enough, he spotted the hamster. “BBBBBBBBTHLUB!!” gurgled Lawrence. He walked right up to the hamster and stood and stared at him for a bit. The hamster looked up at him. He let out a small, menacing, at least as menacing as you can get with a hamster, growl. This prompted young Lawrence Exeter Jr. to bend over and scoop up the small hamster wearing a small black helmet and a small black cape. Unbeknownst to Lawrence at the time (as was most things) the small, black hamster wearing a small black helmet and a small black cape was actually the Evil Hamster, ruler of Hamstopia, a small country that lies within Ethiopia. Most people don’t know that. But it’s true. Go look for it. Just don’t expect any help from me. Evil Hamster let out another small, menacing, at least as menacing as you can get with a hamster, growl because Evil Hamster really wasn’t completely evil; he rather liked children. He just didn’t like being held by them. When young Lawrence didn’t comply with Evil Hamster’s demands, Evil Hamster knew he didn’t have a choice. He bit him.
*****
As I began work on this case, I realized I would have no help on this case because Walker, Texas Ranger was recently shot. I wept. I then went to the Goosie Gander Baby Shoppe to see if they had any babies in yet, only to find it was now the Beverly Diamond & Gift Shoppe. I wept.
*****
As Evil Hamster stumbled down the street, he looked back on his Evil Hamster-y life. He remembered the time he bit the small child near the fire hydrant. He also remembered how he’d just been at the Cocoanut Sweet Shoppe. He remembered how he had been deported when it was discovered he wasn’t a card-carrying Evil Dictator, just an imposter who had been kicked out of Evil Dictator school. He would’ve graduated with the likes of Sadam Hus-amster and Adolf Hit-amster. But his weakness for children was discovered and he was kicked out. From that point on, his life was changed forever. He immediately went to the Old Evil Hamster Navy store and bought a small black helmet and a small black cape. He remembered being a small Evil Hamster and oppressing all his young brothers and sisters. Ahhh, those were the days, he thought. The days before hamsters discovered potater guns. Potater guns were discovered when hamster were bored and had nothing else to do when they were being shipped around in their potatoes. They discovered that they could put small bits of potatoes in their mouths and by making their mouths very small and exhaling rapidly, they could shoot the potato bits out at high speeds. This fascinated them, and work began immediately to employ this technology in Hamstopia. Small air guns were then fashioned and the small bits of potato were loaded and on the very first test shot, well, the guns were a success. A Texan hamster was the one that made this and when tests were a success, he was heard to exclaim “Well, by golly! A potater gun!” and the rest, is history. A small band of hamsters had banded together in the city, as all small bands of hamsters do, and were looking to make a name for themselves. When they found out the hated Evil Hamster was in the city, they knew they’d found the publicity they needed. They had been watching Evil Hamster for a week now, and knew their time to move was now. They moved around the Evil one, first in a barely noticeable circle, then gradually moving in closer, undetectable till it was too late. They pulled the potater guns from their mouths and opened fire. “OOOOUUUWWWAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!”, the Evil Hamster was heard to say as the potato bits pelted him. After the gunning, the band ran away, leaving him to die. As Evil Hamster remembered this, he became angered. So angered, in fact, he had a small heart attack and died. Not from the potater gun peltings, but from a small, hamster-y heart attack.
The Evil Hamster was not completely hated. He had a small band of followers. When they heard of this, they became greatly angered. They didn’t get heart attacks, though. They took their potater guns, packed their cheeks full of small potato bits, and put their potater guns in their mouths, too. They then proceeded to raid the rival hamster gang’s hideout, causing a massive hamster mob war.
Operatives of Tony Spagoni then picked up the survivors of the mob war and bootlegged the hamsters, sending them to France, because they thought French hamsters would be nice to have.
*****
As I boarded that plane to France, I knew I was illegally doing something illegal. I was gonna be in the Tour de France. That’s where our hamster bootlegging operation would go global. As I sat on the plane, I looked around and started talking to this old man who was sitting beside me. He was eating some prunes and I said “Hey old man, can I have some--“, and then I accidentally fell asleep. Later, when I was sitting in the line with all the bike people on their bikes, I remembered what I was doing and turned to ask the old man if I could have some prunes but he wasn’t there any more. Then I got sad and almost cried but then some guy shot a gun at me and I fell down. Only he didn’t shoot it at me, he shot it in the air. When I figured this out, I got on my bike and started riding. I had outfitted my bike with a small catapult that built up power by me peddling (ok, it wasn’t me, it was the really smart other guy who wears the glasses) and when I pulled the brake, the catapult catapulted things. As I rode by the crowd who was shouting french things at me like “TU AS BETE!!!” I didn’t know what they were saying so I said “You’re welcome!!!!” Later I found out they were saying “you are stupid”, which wasn’t very nice of them. I reached down into my newspaper bag that I had from when I was the newspaper man and pulled out a small sphere. I put it in the catapult and peddled. Then I aimed it in the crowd and pulled the brake. The catapult catapulted and it made a funny sound, like “FYYOOOOOO!!!!” and it was funny, so I laughed. HAHA! Inside the tiny little spheres were tiny little hamsters. I shotted the hamsters at people till they was all gone, then I went to ride my bike with everyone. They looked familiar and then I said “Oh yeah. They already passed me.” Then, when I wasn’t looking where I was going, I fell into some water.
*****
Back in the city, the leftover hamsters formed the Trench Coat Hamster Mafia.
THE END...?
