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Tears slid down creating wet streaks down her cheeks as she looked up into his eyes knowing somehow deep inside that it would never be the same again.
His face softened with emotion he had been trying not to show as he reached up and gently ran his thumbs under her eyes to wipe away some of her tears. Quietly he kissed her forehead and whispered, "Please don't cry."
She looked down and bit her bottom lip, unable to stop, and unable to say a word. She closed her eyes and fought back another surge of courage she pushed away from his embrace and walked over to the window. She gazed out the window and watched the raindrops slide slowly down the window pane. Matching my tears, she thought with a touch of bitterness. She sat down on the window seat and reached up to touch the windowpane and lightly followed a single drop of rain down the window and watched the streak it created. Leaving behind a scar on the pane...much like the scar cracking through her heart...only this scar would dry and disappear without a trace as soon as the sun came out again.
Not knowing what else to do he sat down on the edge of the bed that was not far from the window and watched her, knowing how much she must be hurting, knowing how much he had hurt her. But it was better to be honest right? They both knew deep down she was getting too attached. It wasn't fair to her. I don't love her the way she wished I did, but please let her know how much I care... He looked down at his hands as a single tear escaped from his right eye and began its slow journey down his cheek, leaving its own mark behind. Not only on his face, but in his heart as well. Maybe he couldn't love her, but he sure cared a whole hell of a lot. How do you say words that you know will break the heart of the one person who you knew would do anything for you if you so much as asked. Where do you find the strength to hurt the one person that you aren't sure is strong enough to take the rejection again. This was giving him a headache, all this thinking. He had tormented himself with this for months. He just didn't know how to tell her in a way that wouldn't hurt her. That would help her let go. But everything they tried had failed. There was no other way around it anymore. She use to tease him, "You know, this would be a lot easier if you were a jerk", she'd say. He sighed, she was probably right. If he were a jerk it would be easier, probably for both of them. But he was too kind for that. She had been hurt and rejected enough times to last her a lifetime. He was not about to make it worse if he had any control over that. He sighed again, not as if he hadn't already.
She turned farther toward the window so that he would not see the tears that had begun to slide down her cheeks again, creating fresh paths along her face. She shook her head slightly so that her hair would fall over her shoulders and hide her face from view.
Deciding that sitting there and doing nothing certainly wasn't helping at all, he stood up and quietly moved behind her and softly rested his hands on her shoulders. She stiffened, sniffled as discreetly as possible, and turned her head slightly to the side. He sniffled a bit himself and murmured softly, "You aren't fooling anyone. I know you better than anyone else. What makes you think that I can detect when you are crying 3,000 miles away, but I wouldn't be able to detect it less than 3 feet?"
Sniffling again she whispered, "Because you're not suppose to notice."
Smiling slightly, he sat down beside her with his back to the window so that he could see her and gently lifted the blanket of hair she had used to hide, and pulled it away from her face tucking it behind her ear. Barely touching her, he pushed his finger under her chin and nudged it up until she met his eyes. When she stubbornly refused to meet his gaze he tried to control his own clench of heart and said softly, "Please look at me."
She looked up into his brown eyes and could barely stand the look she saw in his eyes. She didn't understand it. They were filled with pain, remorse, yet filled with gentleness, and of their own kind...love. She shook her head to clear it and looked again. She sighed. Why did love have to be so damn confusing and so incredibly full of pain? The one time she knew in her heart that it couldn't be anything else, for him it just wasn't there. She looked up at him sadly as yet another tear rolled down her cheek.
He gazed back at her and did his best to show her how much her pain was hurting him in return. He had inflicted it. Because he couldn't love her back. He didn't love her back. It wasn't his fault, but it sure wasn't hers either. The pain she was feeling now he did feel responsible for though. He gazed down at her and tried to keep his own pain from his voice, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have caused you so much pain. Please believe me that I would never hurt you. You..." his voice wavered, "you are my best friend. I don't want to hurt you. I am so sorry that I have." A tear fell from his eyes but he struggled on, "can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me? I don't want to loose you."
Her face crumpled as she stopped fighting the inevitable. Tears swam in her eyes and streamed freely down her face. She looked up into his eyes only to find that she couldn't see them through her tears. He pulled her close, holding her tight with one arm and gently rubbing her back with is other hand. "Shhh..." he murmured softly. "its okay, it will be okay. We will make sure of it...everything is going to work out in the end." He stopped, unsure of that else to say to comfort her. Knowing that there wasn't really anything he could say to make it better for her this time. It was the cold hard truth, and they both had to deal with it as it is, and not some buttered up form. He glanced down at her head bowed against his chest and tipped his head down to rest it on top of hers as he silently began to cry with her. He rarely cried. Only cried when something meant a hell of a lot to him. And if nothing else she sure fit in that category. But, did she know that?
She felt something wet drop onto the top of her head and looked up at him to see him crying as well. She choked back a bit of a sob and reaching up she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight hoping to offer as much comfort as possible given the situation. Surely, this couldn't be easy on him either. She kissed his cheek, slowly stands up, reaching for his hand, she leads him over to the bed. They lay down together and she curls up against him resting her head against his chest she takes a deep breath and says softly, "I forgive you and I don't want to loose you either." He squeezes her lightly and gently runs his fingers through her hair. He feels his shirt just below where her head is becoming damp and knows that she is crying again. He hugs her close and tilting her head up to look in his eyes he says quietly, "Let yourself go...do whatever you need to...cry, rant, rave, or just rest...I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here. I promise."
Hugging her close he returns to rubbing her back, knowing that if nothing else, she will hear what he can't find the words for in his actions. She once told him long ago that her father used to rub her back when her stomach hurt and it always made it go away. What she probably didn't know at the time was that he was listening to what she hadn't said. The action comforted her when words no longer could. He readjusted his head against the pillow behind him and pulled her closer to him. She hiccupped slightly and snuggled close to her. HE never had really realized it before, how nice it is to have someone c curled up next to him. He smiled soberly to himself, so this is the feeling she yearned for so much. Well, he may not be able to love her the way she had hoped, but he could do this. In fact, he kind of liked it. It was reassuring to have someone there with you. He grinned as he realized that she had changed him in her own special way. He glanced down at her to see that she had drifted off to sleep. He smiled again and glanced at his watch. This much he could do for her. He wasn't going anywhere just as he had promised. He would stay with her until she awoke again. Whether it be 5 minutes or 5 hours he would stay with her. She deserved that much. He deserved that much as well. He curled his arms around her and before he knew it found that he was falling asleep as well. He pulled her closer and allowed himself to drift...
She awakened slowly, allowing herself time to adjust to the idea of being awake instead of asleep. The sun had just begun to peak through the window and shown softly on her face. She could hear a heart beating steadily beneath her and she squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting what surely had to be a dream to end just yet. All of a sudden, everything that had happened last night came back to her and seemed to wrap her in a blanket of ice. She took a few deep breaths, struggling to catch her breath that had just left her in a rush and tried to calm herself. Did she dare to open her eyes? If this feeling was just a dream then she would rather just get it over with now because it would only hurt her that much more in the end.
She opened her eyes and the only thing she could see was a portion of the beige plaid shirt that he had been wearing and a single small white button that she knew was part of a set. Had she stolen his shirt? Or had he given it to her? She shook her head...no way. Her gaze began to slowly travel up the length of what appeared to be his shirt, following the path of the buttons that had been buttoned just so. Then it came to her...the shirt, the heartbeat she had heard when she first woke up. She closed her eyes again and listened. Yep, it was still there...slow and steady. And if she listened close enough she could make out a stead breathing rhythm as well. Still groggy she thought to herself, Surely this can't be happening...could he really still be here? Had he stayed with me? She opened her eyes and slowly glanced up...into two dark brown eyes that were gazing back down at her.
He grinned. "Good Morning sleeping beauty." She smiled back, but felt her smile fade a bit with the nickname...sleeping beauty. She struggled to sit up and turned away a bit. "don't call me that," she murmured. She stood up and walked into the bathroom that was adjacent to her bedroom.
She turned on the sink faucet and waiting for the water to warm she looked up into the mirror and winced her face was covered in sleep lines, but that wasn't the half of it. Her eyes looked hollow, she had bags under her eyes that appeared almost purple. Ugh. Sticking her hands under the faucet, she cupped them to catch the water and when her hands were filled she leaned over ands splashed water on her face. At least she didn't have class today. Her students would have been worried if they saw her like this. Thank god for make-up, she thought. She scrubbed her face and then turning off the water she reached blindly for a hand towel and instead knocked her hand into a shoulder. Then she felt the towel against her cheek and slightly flustered she snagged the towel form his hand she dried her face and turned to where he stood beside her.
"Can't a girl even wash her face without begin watched?" She muttered dryly. She looked up just as his face fell. He turned to leave and she reached out and touched his arm. "I'm sorry," she said softly, "I didn't mean it like that."
He looked at her sadly, "You know we have to talk about this."
"I know...but I'm not sure I can just yet."
"I don't know yet," she winked and called over her shoulder as she headed back into the bedroom, "I'll have my people call your people."
He smiled sadly and followed her, "You still seem to think I don't know you very well. Please don't joke...we have to face this. How else will we get past this if we don't look it straight in the eye? We have been ignoring it for years. It can't go on."
She looked down at her upturned hands and sighed softly. He reached up and gently lifted her chin and leaned over slightly until they made eye contact once again. "What?" he whispered.
She shook her head slightly, "I don't know how to face this. I've never quite dealt with anything like this before." She turned and flopped onto the bed and then rolled onto her back to look up at the ceiling. "Now what? I don't know how to feel. I don't know what I want to feel. I feel..." she broke off and sighed.
He came over and sat next to her on the bed, gently encouraging her to continue, "You feel what?"
"I feel...hurt, but well we all knew that, confused...I want to be angry but I can't bring myself to be. I want to be furious and scream and yell, but I can't. I want to hate you and curse at you and tell you I hate you...but I don't. I don't know why...but, in a sense I...I feel...almost betrayed..." She looked up at him to be sure he didn't take what she had said the wrong way and watched as a single tear trickled and fell from the corner of his eye. She sat up and gently wiped his tear away. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, "but I'm not going to lie to you."
She looked down at her hands and blinked back more tears of her own and tried to put into words how she felt. "I..." She swallowed and tried again. "you have been my best friend for years...you are the one person that I trust with everything. I'm safe when I am with you. You are the only person I feel safe with. I let you in to every secret, every detail, every flaw. And now...well...I...I trusted you...growing up it always felt like as soon as I allowed myself to care about someone, I lost them. You were different though. You were always there, and even though I cared, you still didn't go anywhere. And so I learned to trust a little more...to believe that maybe I wouldn't lose everyone. I opened up more...Made an honest effort to get you to know more people. And...now...I...I feel like I am losing the one thing that I care about most in this world."
He reached over and gently ran a tissue under her eyes to wipe away the tears, and pulled her to him. "Come here." He held her in his arms and sighed deeply, realizing afterwards that she had just do the exact same thing. He heard a tiny giggle escape from her and he looked down and grinned.
She looked up at him, "So now what?"
He sighed again, "I don't know. I honestly don't know."
She looked away again and murmured softly under her breath, "Yeah..."
They sat there together for a while, content in not saying a word, in the past it used to happen a lot. Comfortable silence they use to call it. It had been a long time since they had found one of those pockets of silence. Lately it had all been uncomfortable silences.
She looked up and giggled as her stomach growled in protest to the lack of food. She had never made it to dinner last night. And since she rarely had time to have lunch on Friday's, she hadn't eaten since breakfast yesterday. He smiled, and reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, "Shall we go get something to eat?"
She nodded and began to stand up, "What do you fancy? I don't have much, cereal, I can probably dig up a few eggs.." She stopped at the look on his face. Putting her hands on her hips she eyed him warily. "What?"
"I meant lets go get something to eat. My treat."
She blushed, "Oh."
He stood up and held out his hand for hers, "Come on."
She smiled, and tucking her had in his, they left the room.