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My Blog
Tuesday, 30 November 2004
Purpose Driven Life
Mood:
quizzical
Now Playing: Linkin Park ft. Jay-Z- Numb Encore
Topic: Me
Numb EncoreI went out of town today for a meeting with a city manager in hopes of scoring a new contract with them. I brought my co-worker with me, because he's better at talking to people than I am. I always thought I was a good people-person, but when it comes to sales calls, I can't seem to do it. I suck at it. I don't like it. I want my other job back from before I was "promoted". Not gonna happen any time soon, unfortunately. Anyway, the city manager used to work at the city hall from where I'm located at. He's a good guy, good listener, good friend. Its kind of easy to get him to listen to reasoning on why my service is good, but it's also kind of hard because I'm afraid to disappoint him. But I want this contract so bad, just so I can say that I did it. Selfish, could be. But that's okay, its my job, and it's only natural that I feel that way. Back to the real story. As I was conversing with my co-worker, I'll call him "Woodchuck", and my prospect, "Rev" (He's a reverend), I kind of dazed out, which is something I'm good at. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. My brothers say its because I have ADD. (Really starting to wonder). They're talking, I'm only half-listening. Daydreaming on what was I going to do about the christmas presents I haven't even bought yet, my cell phone bill, my credit card bill, and all the other financial worries that I always have on my mind all the time (I don't know how I sleep at night). As I was dazing back in, Woodchuch and Rev were talking about some self-help book they enjoy reading, then Rev said something that kind of stuck to me: "Why are you here? What is your purpose? What is your goal on this earth while you are alive?" Hmmmm. Good question. I asked my younger brother about that when I got home. His answer: "To be the world's greatest lover." Okay, I was serious. I wanted a real, genuine answer. Pathetic. What could possibly be the answer to that question? So I'm sitting here typing, and thinking of what it could be. This might take a while, so if you have the time, please sit and stay. Enjoy the ride, the ride of "What am I thinking?". This is usually what I do when I get home from school and work (which is usually the beginning of day for me at 6pm): I eat dinner my mother cooked. Spanish food, the usual. Rice and beans. Sometimes mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Smoke a cigarrette in my room while checking email and looking up any new updates for my favorite animes. My father comes home. I run downstairs like I'm still 12 years old (I'm 21.) and give him a hug. I stay a little bit downstairs while he tells me (or more my mother) how his day went. I go back upstairs and back on the computer. Looking up information on crap like Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich to the secret society, the Illuminati. Sometimes downloading whatever anime has struck my interest this month. Pay any bills, take a shower, and go to bed to think about how my life could be that much better. I have so many different versions on how I wish my life to be, it's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Pathetic. And here I am, on my laptop, writing a looooong blog on how my life just happens to be this way, in hopes that your still there, sometimes hoping that I'm the only who will ever read this. So why am I here? To take up space and do what I'm supposed to do outside the house. Inside is a different story. Kinda like playing the Sims 2. Those computer animated people have almost the perfect life. Only because the user chose it to be that way. If you would to just let them be, and let them live their life, what would happen? They'll react according to their life meter. When to use the bathroom, when to sleep, when to have fun, when to socialize, all according the bar. Why? Because the user wasn't keeping up with them, and they have to keep alive somehow. Eventually probably dying, live in a dirty home, running away, peeing on themselves. Whatever the reason, thats the way the game is played. Real humans arent like that. Well most of arent anyway. We do what we want, most of the time when we want. We can hold our bladder or go three days without eating. Some of us are too lazy to get and do something keep our "Fun" bar in green. Human nature. So I start thinking about the past. Rebellious in high school, though I was never brought home with handcuffs or cops escorting me, but I can't remember a weekend where I wasn't grounded. Did I bring it on myself? Probably. But I had a great time. Which is the way it should be. Then I think about my ex-boyfriends. Bad luck, bad time, bad something. Was it me? Probably. Starting with number one, which I'll call "One." Womanizer. Thats all I can sum up that whole relationship. Plus, I know for a fact that he didn't care. Trust me. So why did I? I was on crack and weed like sugar. No, not really. First boyfriend, showed real interest in me at first, whatever the reason, he was that stereotype. All the girls want him, but he wants none of it. Wants something, can't get it, oh well, who's next in the phonebook. And since he was the first, it took a little while to get over that extreme heartbreak of rejection. Oh high school, young and naive. Second ex-boyfriend, "Man". Almost like the One. Fell too hard, knew the right words to say. Kept it going, and knew how to get me back. Man wanted me to move out of home, drop everything, move to where he was at, and marry him. Things had gotten that serious. $500 phone bill I didnt know how I was going to pay considering I didn't have the money, and he won't pay it. Like I said, he knew the right words to make me fall again and again and again. Thats how it was. He mentally and emotionally destroyed me. It drained the life out of me. He knew he was doing it, but he had a reason. He just wanted me to look better. He wanted me to be better. Was he right? Probably. No, not really. He was wrong. Dead wrong. Ex-boyfriend number three. Dud. I've talked about Dud before. Overall, he really wasn't a bad guy. Once you get to know him, he isn't. He was just very insecure. But he took care of me. Too much. I couldn't breathe half the time. And my parents couldn't stand him, which made it worse. I really don't have anything bad to say, except he's made a lot of bad moves without thinking. Not purposely. Just not thinking. Maybe he'll do better with his new one. So back to the first question and what does that have anything to do with anything? Nothing really. But there is a conclusion. Maybe I'm not supposed to know my purpose, my sole goal, my reason for being here. Maybe theres no user controlling me. Freewill. Maybe I'm just supposed to just live. A series of short term goals and dreams. Just go. I'll get there when I get there. Maybe its not something we should all be worried about. Maybe theres a reason why we're not supposed to know. Balance.
Tuesday, 9 November 2004
Just another day
Mood:
cool
Topic: Me
I spent my Saturday evening with "Ace". Smoked out, had a great time. And I figured that everything was going to be back to what it used to be. It wasn't, and I don't know why I should even think that. It's horrible. But I did have a good time. I think it was about 15 minutes of our "date" that I realized that "this" whatever it was, was going to go no where. As my co-worker said, 0 to 60 and back to 0 in a week. That's exactly how it was. By the end of the night, I got out the car, said goodnight, and I'll talk to him later. End. I don't feel bad. Surprisingly I don't. I guess I came to terms with it. But then again, I was pretty high and thought too much about it, so it helped a lot too. I also talked to my best friend that night. I was telling her about "Dud" and how I'm talking to him to keep the peace because we all share the same the group of friends. I was trying to be nice to him, and try to get everything to a somewhat normal friendship that we had before we dated. (Now that I think about it, it was a mistake to date him.) This guy, Dud, has been in love with me since we first worked together years ago. I mean years ago. He hadn't given up on me, and he let the world know that he wouldn't. He had his mindset that he didn't want any other girl if it wasn't me. And if I were never to be with him, then he'll live his life in hopes that maybe I'll give him the chance. Flattering, sure. Creepy, a little. Puppy love, seemed like it. Trust me, it wasn't just puppy love. Then I decided one day, hey maybe it won't be so bad, he's always been good to me. So I did. For seven months. He was really one of those guys who agreed with everything that I said, did everything to keep me happy, and would cry if I said, hey don't call me tonight so I can do some stuff. He called me at my office one day while my boss was there, and I told him that I'd call him back as soon as I can. What does he do? Calls me back 15 minutes later. I hung up on him. He sounds like a decent guy. But thats not what I'm looking for. I need someone who will argue with me. I like to argue, its my thing. Sharing different opinions and try to convince the other is sport that I enjoy. And I don't need someone who would do everything in the world to keep me happy. I mean extreme. A card for my birthday or just a phone call to say good luck is all I really need. I'm happy with that. No flowers for me because I checked the mail or I got an "A" on an exam. But thats how he was. Back to the story of me talking to my best friend. She said that I should quit talking to him. She has a point. If I continue to, then he's going to think that he has the right to talk to me any which way he wants in front of everyone. I don't need that, because if she taught me anything its not to take crap from people and put them in their place. And I don't like embarrassing people, but I will if I have to. So I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm not missing anything anyway. Thats what has been on my mind this weekend. While I was completely stoned. I should write more when I'm high.
Wednesday, 3 November 2004
This is what I dont get...
Mood:
crushed out
Now Playing: Sappy Song I enjoy listening to because I'm a girl
Topic: Me
Breathe EasyThis is probably one of those moments that I just want to strangle myself and ask why I am this way. Really hard to explain, actually. Unless your someone who has known me for YEARS, and I mean years, then you'll probably never really understand what goes on this head of mine. Sometime I don't get it, that's how I know you won't. Well anyway. Subject: Guys. 'Nuff said. All the girls can kinda sympathize with me because we have all been there and back. Do we learn? Some of us do. Some take the turn to lesbianism or bisexualism. Some actually are a lot more cautious and complain that they can never find a single guy. The rest will go back to the same habit and continue going through the endless "drama" with guys. Why? Maybe it's fun. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's something. But I think I have trouble with guys because... it's me. I find the wrong guys in the wrong places. Long distance and really close friends are the ones that never really work out. Some do, and good for you if it has without any major problems. Okay. Here's my story: I've known this guy, we'll call him "Ace" because... just because. Anyway. Known this guy from high school about six or seven years ago (wow, that seems like a long time ago). We've been friends since then, not great friends, or close friends, just friends. Hadn't talked to him in a while, it was an off and on thing between me and him talking. Last time I talked to him was in May of this year. He kind of just showed up out of the blue a couple weeks ago on my messenger, and we started chatting, like normal people. Well, after that night, I gave him my new cell phone number so he can update that on his phone. He called the next day, came to see to me, we hung out, it was great. For the rest of the week, we text messaged each other and talked on the phone for a few hours before finally getting too tired and going to sleep. I told myself at that point, I will not get attached so soon, because it might not happen. Told myself that over and over, because if it didn't happen, then I wouldn't be too hurt and too disappointed and I can go on with my life as if it weren't a big deal. I kept on with that, kept texting him while he was doing some major driving in the weekend, because I really was worried that he'd fall asleep on the wheel. Then it happened. I got hooked. I wasn't expecting him to have that effect on me, but it did. I can kick myself for it later. I was starting to get attached. Why? How did it happen? Because I was really liking the attention he was giving me. My first ex-boyfriend, we'll call him "Ass" (self-explanatory) was the kind who wanted the attention but didn't really give me any. And I mean NONE. Just the usual, hey lose weight, dont sing, wear makeup, do this, do that, kind of attention. My second ex-boyfriend "Dud" (Theres more to this, for another blog another time). He gave me TOO MUCH attention that sometimes I couldn't breathe. I don't blame him. He lived in fear everyday, thinking THAT day would be THE day that I would break up with him. Well finally THAT day came. Since then, I craved for the attention that would make me feel so... like a person. Not too much, not too little, the right amount of attention. Now what I liked about Ace was that he was a very intelligent person. He had a plan with his life, he's going for it. He had a set back but it didn't stop from realizing what he really wanted. I find that very attractive in a guy. He really is such a good person. Random, and funny. Good-hearted and spirited. Enjoy the time that I spend with him. Up until a couple days ago, he kind of just... stopped. No phone, short texts. I have a bad feeling. I might be over-reacting, but I am a girl. I'm worried. Little crushed because it seems like my good time, my moment of bliss, my attention was coming to an end so soon. But then again, I could be wrong. And I'm hoping I am. But reality, it could be. And I'm at fault for getting hooked so early. But it's okay, at least it was early enough so that we can continue having the friendship we've always had. Can't win them all. My Song
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