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My Blog
Tuesday, 9 November 2004
Just another day
Mood:  cool
Topic: Me
I spent my Saturday evening with "Ace". Smoked out, had a great time. And I figured that everything was going to be back to what it used to be. It wasn't, and I don't know why I should even think that. It's horrible. But I did have a good time. I think it was about 15 minutes of our "date" that I realized that "this" whatever it was, was going to go no where. As my co-worker said, 0 to 60 and back to 0 in a week. That's exactly how it was. By the end of the night, I got out the car, said goodnight, and I'll talk to him later. End. I don't feel bad. Surprisingly I don't. I guess I came to terms with it. But then again, I was pretty high and thought too much about it, so it helped a lot too.

I also talked to my best friend that night. I was telling her about "Dud" and how I'm talking to him to keep the peace because we all share the same the group of friends. I was trying to be nice to him, and try to get everything to a somewhat normal friendship that we had before we dated. (Now that I think about it, it was a mistake to date him.)

This guy, Dud, has been in love with me since we first worked together years ago. I mean years ago. He hadn't given up on me, and he let the world know that he wouldn't. He had his mindset that he didn't want any other girl if it wasn't me. And if I were never to be with him, then he'll live his life in hopes that maybe I'll give him the chance. Flattering, sure. Creepy, a little. Puppy love, seemed like it. Trust me, it wasn't just puppy love. Then I decided one day, hey maybe it won't be so bad, he's always been good to me. So I did. For seven months. He was really one of those guys who agreed with everything that I said, did everything to keep me happy, and would cry if I said, hey don't call me tonight so I can do some stuff. He called me at my office one day while my boss was there, and I told him that I'd call him back as soon as I can. What does he do? Calls me back 15 minutes later. I hung up on him. He sounds like a decent guy. But thats not what I'm looking for. I need someone who will argue with me. I like to argue, its my thing. Sharing different opinions and try to convince the other is sport that I enjoy. And I don't need someone who would do everything in the world to keep me happy. I mean extreme. A card for my birthday or just a phone call to say good luck is all I really need. I'm happy with that. No flowers for me because I checked the mail or I got an "A" on an exam. But thats how he was.

Back to the story of me talking to my best friend. She said that I should quit talking to him. She has a point. If I continue to, then he's going to think that he has the right to talk to me any which way he wants in front of everyone. I don't need that, because if she taught me anything its not to take crap from people and put them in their place. And I don't like embarrassing people, but I will if I have to. So I think that's what I'm going to do. I'm not missing anything anyway.

Thats what has been on my mind this weekend. While I was completely stoned. I should write more when I'm high.

Posted by Shika at 1:41 PM EST
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Wednesday, 3 November 2004
This is what I dont get...
Mood:  crushed out
Now Playing: Sappy Song I enjoy listening to because I'm a girl
Topic: Me
Breathe Easy

This is probably one of those moments that I just want to strangle myself and ask why I am this way. Really hard to explain, actually. Unless your someone who has known me for YEARS, and I mean years, then you'll probably never really understand what goes on this head of mine. Sometime I don't get it, that's how I know you won't.

Well anyway. Subject: Guys.

'Nuff said. All the girls can kinda sympathize with me because we have all been there and back. Do we learn? Some of us do. Some take the turn to lesbianism or bisexualism. Some actually are a lot more cautious and complain that they can never find a single guy. The rest will go back to the same habit and continue going through the endless "drama" with guys. Why? Maybe it's fun. Maybe it's them. Maybe it's something.

But I think I have trouble with guys because... it's me. I find the wrong guys in the wrong places. Long distance and really close friends are the ones that never really work out. Some do, and good for you if it has without any major problems.

Okay. Here's my story: I've known this guy, we'll call him "Ace" because... just because. Anyway. Known this guy from high school about six or seven years ago (wow, that seems like a long time ago). We've been friends since then, not great friends, or close friends, just friends. Hadn't talked to him in a while, it was an off and on thing between me and him talking. Last time I talked to him was in May of this year. He kind of just showed up out of the blue a couple weeks ago on my messenger, and we started chatting, like normal people. Well, after that night, I gave him my new cell phone number so he can update that on his phone. He called the next day, came to see to me, we hung out, it was great. For the rest of the week, we text messaged each other and talked on the phone for a few hours before finally getting too tired and going to sleep.

I told myself at that point, I will not get attached so soon, because it might not happen. Told myself that over and over, because if it didn't happen, then I wouldn't be too hurt and too disappointed and I can go on with my life as if it weren't a big deal. I kept on with that, kept texting him while he was doing some major driving in the weekend, because I really was worried that he'd fall asleep on the wheel.

Then it happened. I got hooked. I wasn't expecting him to have that effect on me, but it did. I can kick myself for it later. I was starting to get attached. Why? How did it happen? Because I was really liking the attention he was giving me.

My first ex-boyfriend, we'll call him "Ass" (self-explanatory) was the kind who wanted the attention but didn't really give me any. And I mean NONE. Just the usual, hey lose weight, dont sing, wear makeup, do this, do that, kind of attention. My second ex-boyfriend "Dud" (Theres more to this, for another blog another time). He gave me TOO MUCH attention that sometimes I couldn't breathe. I don't blame him. He lived in fear everyday, thinking THAT day would be THE day that I would break up with him. Well finally THAT day came. Since then, I craved for the attention that would make me feel so... like a person. Not too much, not too little, the right amount of attention.

Now what I liked about Ace was that he was a very intelligent person. He had a plan with his life, he's going for it. He had a set back but it didn't stop from realizing what he really wanted.
I find that very attractive in a guy. He really is such a good person. Random, and funny. Good-hearted and spirited. Enjoy the time that I spend with him.

Up until a couple days ago, he kind of just... stopped. No phone, short texts. I have a bad feeling. I might be over-reacting, but I am a girl. I'm worried. Little crushed because it seems like my good time, my moment of bliss, my attention was coming to an end so soon.

But then again, I could be wrong. And I'm hoping I am. But reality, it could be. And I'm at fault for getting hooked so early. But it's okay, at least it was early enough so that we can continue having the friendship we've always had. Can't win them all.
My Song

Posted by Shika at 7:59 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, 30 November 2004 8:40 PM EST
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Monday, 18 October 2004
My First
Mood:  chillin'
Now Playing: Dido- White Flag
Hi. this is my first, and I seriously doubt anyone would really read this or not... Oh well, I'll probably be the only one to. Its about 11:00 pm and I haven't even done my homework yet. I should get started on it. I'm too lazy. Sometimes I hate going to school. I like going, school is great, but at times like these: going to school full time, and working in between, I'm exhausted. Really exhausted. I wanted to learn photoshop today. I dont know how. Maybe in the weekend I supposedly have more time, I'll sit down to do it. My brother says I have ADD, and I'm really starting to wonder. My mind can be so abstract, as I jump from one topic to another my little head. I told my friend the other day about the world inside my head. I'm a ninja and it snows. It's only spring when I decide it is. So far, its snowing lightly and no bad guys to fight yet. I'm so random. I found out today that my boss is taking my office away from me and giving it to the new guy. I was a little disappointed considering all my little animals and my cute little things were there on my desk. I've been there for two years and made it my personal space. I guess its to be expected considering the company is growing so well. I'll be out in the field more often than I want to be and I get a laptop. Always wanted a laptop. Its no desk, but I get a laptop. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I hate wednesdays. Its the longest day of the week and i have all kinds of things to do tomorrow. Mandatory things like class and work and back to class and lab and wait and wait and wait and then make the 45 minute drive home as enjoyable as possible just so I don't fall asleep on the road. Wish i could move there. No money. I have a credit card which would help some, but I'm so bad with money. I almost bought a web page template today. I thought twice and decided to go back to the photoshop. Back to the photoshop. If i dont have ADD, then I dont know whats wrong with me.

Posted by Shika at 12:01 AM EDT
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