Mood:
Now Playing: Linkin Park ft. Jay-Z- Numb Encore
Topic: Me
I went out of town today for a meeting with a city manager in hopes of scoring a new contract with them. I brought my co-worker with me, because he's better at talking to people than I am. I always thought I was a good people-person, but when it comes to sales calls, I can't seem to do it. I suck at it. I don't like it. I want my other job back from before I was "promoted". Not gonna happen any time soon, unfortunately. Anyway, the city manager used to work at the city hall from where I'm located at. He's a good guy, good listener, good friend. Its kind of easy to get him to listen to reasoning on why my service is good, but it's also kind of hard because I'm afraid to disappoint him. But I want this contract so bad, just so I can say that I did it. Selfish, could be. But that's okay, its my job, and it's only natural that I feel that way.
Back to the real story. As I was conversing with my co-worker, I'll call him "Woodchuck", and my prospect, "Rev" (He's a reverend), I kind of dazed out, which is something I'm good at. I don't mean to do it, it just happens. My brothers say its because I have ADD. (Really starting to wonder). They're talking, I'm only half-listening. Daydreaming on what was I going to do about the christmas presents I haven't even bought yet, my cell phone bill, my credit card bill, and all the other financial worries that I always have on my mind all the time (I don't know how I sleep at night). As I was dazing back in, Woodchuch and Rev were talking about some self-help book they enjoy reading, then Rev said something that kind of stuck to me: "Why are you here? What is your purpose? What is your goal on this earth while you are alive?"
Hmmmm. Good question. I asked my younger brother about that when I got home. His answer: "To be the world's greatest lover." Okay, I was serious. I wanted a real, genuine answer. Pathetic. What could possibly be the answer to that question?
So I'm sitting here typing, and thinking of what it could be. This might take a while, so if you have the time, please sit and stay. Enjoy the ride, the ride of "What am I thinking?".
This is usually what I do when I get home from school and work (which is usually the beginning of day for me at 6pm): I eat dinner my mother cooked. Spanish food, the usual. Rice and beans. Sometimes mashed potatoes and meatloaf. Smoke a cigarrette in my room while checking email and looking up any new updates for my favorite animes. My father comes home. I run downstairs like I'm still 12 years old (I'm 21.) and give him a hug. I stay a little bit downstairs while he tells me (or more my mother) how his day went. I go back upstairs and back on the computer. Looking up information on crap like Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese sandwich to the secret society, the Illuminati. Sometimes downloading whatever anime has struck my interest this month. Pay any bills, take a shower, and go to bed to think about how my life could be that much better. I have so many different versions on how I wish my life to be, it's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Pathetic. And here I am, on my laptop, writing a looooong blog on how my life just happens to be this way, in hopes that your still there, sometimes hoping that I'm the only who will ever read this.
So why am I here? To take up space and do what I'm supposed to do outside the house. Inside is a different story. Kinda like playing the Sims 2. Those computer animated people have almost the perfect life. Only because the user chose it to be that way. If you would to just let them be, and let them live their life, what would happen? They'll react according to their life meter. When to use the bathroom, when to sleep, when to have fun, when to socialize, all according the bar. Why? Because the user wasn't keeping up with them, and they have to keep alive somehow. Eventually probably dying, live in a dirty home, running away, peeing on themselves. Whatever the reason, thats the way the game is played. Real humans arent like that. Well most of arent anyway. We do what we want, most of the time when we want. We can hold our bladder or go three days without eating. Some of us are too lazy to get and do something keep our "Fun" bar in green. Human nature.
So I start thinking about the past. Rebellious in high school, though I was never brought home with handcuffs or cops escorting me, but I can't remember a weekend where I wasn't grounded. Did I bring it on myself? Probably. But I had a great time. Which is the way it should be.
Then I think about my ex-boyfriends. Bad luck, bad time, bad something. Was it me? Probably. Starting with number one, which I'll call "One." Womanizer. Thats all I can sum up that whole relationship. Plus, I know for a fact that he didn't care. Trust me. So why did I? I was on crack and weed like sugar. No, not really. First boyfriend, showed real interest in me at first, whatever the reason, he was that stereotype. All the girls want him, but he wants none of it. Wants something, can't get it, oh well, who's next in the phonebook. And since he was the first, it took a little while to get over that extreme heartbreak of rejection. Oh high school, young and naive.
Second ex-boyfriend, "Man". Almost like the One. Fell too hard, knew the right words to say. Kept it going, and knew how to get me back. Man wanted me to move out of home, drop everything, move to where he was at, and marry him. Things had gotten that serious. $500 phone bill I didnt know how I was going to pay considering I didn't have the money, and he won't pay it. Like I said, he knew the right words to make me fall again and again and again. Thats how it was. He mentally and emotionally destroyed me. It drained the life out of me. He knew he was doing it, but he had a reason. He just wanted me to look better. He wanted me to be better. Was he right? Probably. No, not really. He was wrong. Dead wrong.
Ex-boyfriend number three. Dud. I've talked about Dud before. Overall, he really wasn't a bad guy. Once you get to know him, he isn't. He was just very insecure. But he took care of me. Too much. I couldn't breathe half the time. And my parents couldn't stand him, which made it worse. I really don't have anything bad to say, except he's made a lot of bad moves without thinking. Not purposely. Just not thinking. Maybe he'll do better with his new one.
So back to the first question and what does that have anything to do with anything? Nothing really. But there is a conclusion. Maybe I'm not supposed to know my purpose, my sole goal, my reason for being here. Maybe theres no user controlling me. Freewill. Maybe I'm just supposed to just live. A series of short term goals and dreams. Just go. I'll get there when I get there. Maybe its not something we should all be worried about. Maybe theres a reason why we're not supposed to know. Balance.
Posted by Shika
at 7:08 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, 30 November 2004 9:03 PM EST
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Updated: Tuesday, 30 November 2004 9:03 PM EST
Post Comment | Permalink | Share This Post