Anyway the moral of the story is, that Lisa had decaf which was pointless really. We couldn’t get a taxi, so we were subjected to hours of country shite on the tv, and Steve doing (ask Zarzie for a demo of what he did).

That was that.


Dementia Alert:

Dementia sufferer.

Be warned no one knows what it is, especially if you have it, you’ll never cop on.  Anyway, there is currently a high risk of contacting someone with the disease, like you might just ring someone up who has it via telephones. Be warned it might spread over the phone, it is thought it originated from  people screaming at each other in the NBA (The National Basketball Association) when they were all in the shower. Your torso is most at risk. Professor Torbo from the Dept. of Depression, “you go in there and its all streamers and balloons” he’s really famous, he’s done some interesting research. Which leads us to the question, what the fuck is dementia, who the fuck are you? Where the fuck am I? Why the fuck am I always the typist?

Those who find themselves asking these questions, should contact Professor Torbo immediately. He will then help you get in contact with your torso by whispering, murmuring gently and making ocean sounds, or maybe using reverse psychology on it.


What Kind of Party Is This? Part Deux:

Well, it was New Years…no what about the one with the schoolboys…no, no wait wrong one.

It was interesting because:

Grendel: I started that evening as a girl &ended up a man. There were a few schoolboi’s&durty dancing where I perved on them with my camera. I like to watch. I was abandoned by the other two, which was pleasant.

Hnaef: Hnaef time. Yes! Now it’s time for me. It’s Hnaef time. You can’t Hnaef this. “You can’t Hnaef my bitch”. So fabulous party, so fabulous I fecked off with a sexually charged Zarzie. So that was uncomfortable, so I came back&made amends with some schoolboys. I nearly got dementia. I was a movie star for a few short seconds, with Anthony of all people. Twas hott. Its on the net@ because it was an interpretive dance piece. Oh&Freakscene was fun, but was devoid of…dirt. So Zarzie enjoyed it. 

Resist me. Kind of.

Zarzie: I went to Lisa’s first to indulge in some sweet music making, it was a very full night. “I felt like I was in the playboy issue for Nestle”. Picasso’s Lovechild made a TRIUMPHANT COMEBACK. Whoo yeah! When I came back there were people like in my house, &they were like hyper. “mmmank” so I did the noble thing&downed a bottle of Malibu, it was interesting cause I was really turned on. They were wearing… their school ties…


                                                         Ask Your Mom

                                                                 She’s just Such A Dote…


Pictured: Dr. Zarzie listening during one of her sessions.

Dear Zarzie,

Steve McDonald appears to have died. How can I reverse this?

Professor Torbo, Dept. Of Depression


Tape it. Press rewind. Never go past that part in the show. Shower. Have a cup of tea. And then I want you to clean my house.


Dear Zarzie,

I don't have the foggiest clue what the socio economic situation in the former ussr IS???? How can I write a thesis on this, while making love at the same time?

Ruairi,  Douglas Street Cabs


Ask your actual mom! She wrote the book on it. This is obviously a classic case of ‘I Get Off To The Sound Of My Typewriter’.


Dear Zarzie,

I am allergic to peanuts and as a result I am very shy in social situations. As I am currently choking on one. Advice?

Nelly the Elephant, Fota (I’m a rapper, not an elephant)


Well, Nelly with Two Eyes, this is a common problem amongst your species, your species being that of a black rapper who likes to talk about his bodily fluids, well. I suggest you start drinking heavily. Like myself. In order to lubricate your throat, this will ease your peanuts ride to your stomach like a pleasurable boat-trip/ flight through oil. It will also lead to some fun party games like, how far can you put that down your throat?


Dear Zarzie,

Jojo and tennis strings are my life. Yes. So Venus Williams right, I have this total complex about her, I mean whats with her name, she’s named after a razor. My three favourite passions get confused, shaving, tennis and astrology. And also those crackheads nextdoor are giving me grief – The Ruddy’s. I’ll ruddy them. Tuddy. Muddy. Mother Tuddygin. Gin Soaked Mulligan.

Amy, Glendale


What about Jojo? No really, I want to know more about Jojo. Quick soak me in information about Jojo. Jojo, Jiji, Gigli, Jojo’s G, Juju, Jawjaw…ahhh fuck it.


Dear Zarzie,

My boyfriend is smoking, drinking and smoking in Cubins, I fear for his safety. As there is a smoking ban. How do I convince him I’m pregnant?

Celtic Fan, Corkoh


That’s all for today folks! Thank you for smoking in Cubins! *Zarzie belches and leaves the room.


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