El Gaffer 

Volume No : 3                      Issue No : 3                           Date: 27-11-2004



The Famine of Knowledge 2004 to 2004!

Yeah! “Could it be time to eat?” said one foodless child. “no” said another. “no wait, no he didn’t just say what I think he did, did he? And Dr. Dre said nothing because he’s not in my basement anymore bitch”. Basically it was a food free zone…There was chunks out of the furniture and everything. Y’know like.

Officials tell us that the cause of this “famine” was due to the presence of elves and Orla from Co. Floorboards. Or due to MRSA infected food product, the SUPERBUG was wiping out all stocks off the shelves.

Some people believe in Santa, and also in the afterlife, but lets not get bogged down by trivial matters such as belief or faith. So…Lisa is the cause and cure of this problem due to the fact that she alone has extensive knowledge in the  inhalation, extermination, annihilation  and maintaining of SUPERBUGS. She also trains them, “They are good puppies”.

Pervy scary man…“he’s a Bad Puppy”

The famine was relinquished by Assling ‘The Saviour-Of Man’ O’Callighan  when she drove the elders of El Gaffo to Tesco. However, this was at 8 o’clock. All had been eaten that day was a half a packet of digestive biscuits and Halloween nuts. On the way they passed Clashdubh Park where a bunch of knackers fired up their bonfire-“ffffummmpphhh”-on closer expection Lyndick realised that they had stuck a stick through a salmon and were twisting it around like a spit as they spat on it. “Ewww, Cohen, you ass!” Lyndick screamed and reverted back into her Grendelian self. Assling looked disturbed at this turn of events, partially because a)she is not Cohen b)she resented being called “ass” and c)Lyndick turned into a 20th century man. “I wasn’t a man! I was some sort of lizard!”.

And so the famine ended.


What Kind Of Party Is This?

This is the kind of party where everyone stays in their respective houses and watches The E.G. and sometimes ring others in their respective gaffos and breathe at each other. The E.G. is more like a really crap reality tv show slash security camera videos of the outside of the house. Interesting stuff. Cups of tea at the ready!

Other parties include, the one in my pants – everyone’s invited! – and the Don Pimpin party, where I plucked cherries and stole the t-shirt of Adonis. Mmmmm….that’s good smellin’.



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                                                         Ask Your Mom

                                                                 She’s just Such A Dote…


Your mom (Dr. Zarzie Doteey M.D.B.A ) asking God, “WHATS YOUR PROBLEM??!”


Dear Zarzie,

I got an awful present for my birthday. An STD. A std? An STD? Can you help me with this grammar problem?

G. Fitzbiggon, ORB


I don’t know, like, y’know, biore. How bout, you eh, y’know, ehhh, answer it urself. Biore.



Dear Zarzie,

How much oil could a gumboil boil, if a gumboil could boil oil?

JT,  Memphis Tennessee


Fuck Off!



Dear Zarzie,

Help! I am locked out of my house and a sober person is questioning my motives (as I am banging on doors with my face and cursing the occupants to hell…). Also, to make matters worse, I have a sycamore seed stuck up my nose. I’m looking so crazy right now…advice please.

Jay-D, outside El Gaffo

Its times like this you have to ask yourself, what would Ryan do? And I think we all know the answer is, that he would live in our poolhouse and get it on with our neighbour (study boy…boi!. Then in true Ryan fashion, flare your nostrils and PUNCH the sober person. Step back from your work, pull up your hood and repeat after me, “Now fooh, there you go”.



Dear Zarzie,

People keep winking at me and showing up at my doorstep and asking for tours in the “ghettos of Glendale”. *wink wink nudge nudge*. This is less of a problem and more of a promo. My neighbours keep jeering and shouting at me. How do I convince my neighbours that I won’t tell on them?

Leaksa, Anonymous (Glendale)


Get a tattoo and it’ll make you look really butch and beefy. How about “I survived the ‘JOY” spread across your knuckles?



Dear Zarzie,

My brother won’t stop talking about Martha’s First Five Dates, “mloff mloff mloff Martha’s First Five Dates!”…make him stop. Please. Naked. Also, will you wash me? And my brother? Together?

I’mADifferentPerson, Ashford


How about you teach yourself to

play an instrument. The spoons? The grill? The ladle? Or you could move to West Waterford. Until death. And yes, yes I will.


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Want to talk like us? Then use our helpful but confusing DICTIONARY!

Bear with us.

Christy Ring: Inspiring…


Bashing your mat: whacking the bells, winking “I caught your mom winking at me the other day…I liked it”, licking my nine (or yours if you’d let me), licking the floor “I’m lickin all over the floor”, pissing on your head (or mine if I’d let me).


Pure class: us.


Your mom!: That’s not what your mother said!


Zarzie: need I say more…yes. So, an explanation would be…..ehhhmmm……she’s a machine. A sex machine.


To Pull A Grendel: To attract the creepiest individuals on campus to her, with the power of Hnaef’s breasts. “Her uncannily sharp breasts scare these men into the path of Grendel, who continually wets herself with fright”.


To Pull A Hnaef: To grind a podium in the Boole, ass styley, as taught by Aamon O’Carrigain when talking about Seamas Heaney. In bed.


To Pull A Zarzie: To give advice that will ultimately ruin your life. 

Dr. Zarzie strikes again…

This time she’s gone all maternal…by hanging children.


   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Drugs smack the faces of the Glendale residents with the powerful force of Sonia’s scutters in the Olympics!

Recent accounts from Leaksa The Plumber, of She’ll Plumb You Good Pharmaceuticals, claim a dramatic increase in performance enhancing materials in her neighbours back garden, the Ruddy’s. A reasonably respectable couple, currently in retirement, spend most of their remaining days ploughing the land and preparing for the next crackden meeting.

The real question here is, how come we haven’t befriended this decaying couple? And how come Leaksa didn’t tell us this sooner?

“Are you on drugs?” we ask, if so contact El Gaffo @ 1800elgaffo so we can get us some of that.



Now that I have your attention, what’s the difference between a fruit and Leaksa?

Plumb and Plumber.

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PAGE     4

(something to get off to)




Song of the Week

“Sup fooh?”


I’m an aphrodisiac, I’m the only one you’ll need.


*thuc thuc thuc thuc*

do doo doooohhhh

Drop it like its hot

Park it like its hott





The new trend amongst the young ones thesedays

“They’re massive like right now” says one dancer. “Boobs are the new asses. They are way more fun to dance with”. Look mom no hands!

You heard it here first…





Lend me some sugar, I am your neighbour.

Hey Ya!


Pheasant seeks duck to shave with. Likes plucking. The Lough. Jewellery.



Hanging children.




Young hot bin men to dispose of our rubbish. It’s ok -

We like your smell.


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