The
Famine of Knowledge 2004 to 2004!
Yeah! “Could it be time
to eat?” said one foodless child. “no” said another. “no wait, no he didn’t just
say what I think he did, did he? And Dr. Dre said nothing because he’s not in
my basement anymore bitch”. Basically it was a food free zone…There was chunks
out of the furniture and everything. Y’know like.
Officials tell us that
the cause of this “famine” was due to the presence of elves and Orla from Co.
Floorboards. Or due to MRSA infected food product, the SUPERBUG was wiping out
all stocks off the shelves.
Some people believe in
Santa, and also in the afterlife, but lets not get bogged down by trivial
matters such as belief or faith. So…Lisa is the cause and cure of this problem
due to the fact that she alone has extensive knowledge in the inhalation, extermination, annihilation and maintaining of SUPERBUGS. She also
trains them, “They are good puppies”.
Pervy scary man…“he’s a Bad
Puppy”
The famine was
relinquished by Assling ‘The Saviour-Of Man’ O’Callighan when she drove the elders of El Gaffo to
Tesco. However, this was at 8 o’clock. All had been eaten that day was a half a
packet of digestive biscuits and Halloween nuts. On the way they passed
Clashdubh Park where a bunch of knackers fired up their
bonfire-“ffffummmpphhh”-on closer expection Lyndick realised that they had
stuck a stick through a salmon and were twisting it around like a spit as they
spat on it. “Ewww, Cohen, you ass!” Lyndick screamed and reverted back into her
Grendelian self. Assling looked disturbed at this turn of events, partially
because a)she is not Cohen b)she resented being called “ass” and c)Lyndick
turned into a 20th century man. “I wasn’t a man! I was some sort of
lizard!”.
And so the famine ended.
What Kind Of Party Is This?
This is the kind of party where everyone stays in
their respective houses and watches The E.G. and sometimes ring others in their
respective gaffos and breathe at each other. The E.G. is more like a really
crap reality tv show slash security camera videos of the outside of the house.
Interesting stuff. Cups of tea at the ready!
Other parties include, the one in my pants –
everyone’s invited! – and the Don Pimpin party, where I plucked cherries and
stole the t-shirt of Adonis. Mmmmm….that’s good smellin’.
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Your mom (Dr.
Zarzie Doteey M.D.B.A ) asking God, “WHATS
YOUR PROBLEM??!”
Dear Zarzie,
I got an awful present for my birthday. An STD. A std? An STD? Can you
help me with this grammar problem?
G. Fitzbiggon, ORB
I don’t know, like,
y’know, biore. How bout, you eh, y’know, ehhh, answer it urself. Biore.
Dear Zarzie,
How much oil could a
gumboil boil, if a gumboil could boil oil?
JT, Memphis Tennessee
Fuck Off!
Dear Zarzie,
Help! I am locked out of
my house and a sober person is questioning my motives (as I am banging on doors
with my face and cursing the occupants to hell…). Also, to make matters worse,
I have a sycamore seed stuck up my nose. I’m looking so crazy right now…advice
please.
Jay-D, outside El Gaffo
Its times like this you
have to ask yourself, what would Ryan do? And I think we all know the answer
is, that he would live in our poolhouse and get it on with our neighbour (study
boy…boi!. Then in true Ryan fashion, flare your nostrils and PUNCH the sober
person. Step back from your work, pull up your hood and repeat after me, “Now
fooh, there you go”.
Dear Zarzie,
People keep winking at me
and showing up at my doorstep and asking for tours in the “ghettos of
Glendale”. *wink wink nudge nudge*. This is less of a problem and more of a
promo. My neighbours keep jeering and shouting at me. How do I convince my neighbours
that I won’t tell on them?
Leaksa, Anonymous
(Glendale)
Get a tattoo and it’ll
make you look really butch and beefy. How about “I survived the ‘JOY” spread
across your knuckles?
Dear Zarzie,
My brother won’t stop
talking about Martha’s First Five Dates, “mloff mloff mloff Martha’s First Five
Dates!”…make him stop. Please. Naked. Also, will you wash me? And my brother?
Together?
I’mADifferentPerson,
Ashford
How about you teach
yourself to
play an instrument. The
spoons? The grill? The ladle? Or you could move to West Waterford. Until death.
And yes, yes I will.
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Want to talk like us?
Then use our helpful but confusing DICTIONARY!
Bear with us.
Christy Ring: Inspiring…
Bashing your mat: whacking the bells, winking “I caught your mom winking
at me the other day…I liked it”, licking my nine (or yours if you’d let me), licking
the floor “I’m lickin all over the floor”, pissing on your head (or mine if I’d
let me).
Pure class: us.
Your mom!: That’s not what your mother said!
Zarzie: need I say more…yes. So, an explanation would
be…..ehhhmmm……she’s a machine. A sex machine.
To Pull A Grendel: To attract the creepiest individuals on campus
to her, with the power of Hnaef’s breasts. “Her uncannily sharp breasts scare
these men into the path of Grendel, who continually wets herself with fright”.
To Pull A Hnaef: To grind a podium in the Boole, ass styley, as taught
by Aamon O’Carrigain when talking about Seamas Heaney. In bed.
To Pull A Zarzie: To give advice that will ultimately ruin your
life.
Dr.
Zarzie strikes again…
This time she’s gone all maternal…by hanging children.
*
* * * * *
* * *
Drugs smack the faces of the
Glendale residents with the powerful force of Sonia’s scutters in the Olympics!
Recent accounts from Leaksa The Plumber, of She’ll Plumb You Good
Pharmaceuticals, claim a dramatic increase in performance enhancing materials
in her neighbours back garden, the Ruddy’s. A reasonably respectable couple,
currently in retirement, spend most of their remaining days ploughing the land
and preparing for the next crackden meeting.
The real question here is, how come we haven’t befriended this decaying
couple? And how come Leaksa didn’t tell us this sooner?
“Are you on drugs?” we ask, if so contact El Gaffo @ 1800elgaffo so we
can get us some of that.
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Drugs!
Now that I have
your attention, what’s the difference between a fruit and Leaksa?
Plumb and
Plumber.
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