El Gaffer 

Volume No : 2                      Issue No : 2                           Date: 14-11-2004



“Oh God I think I’m dying” says viewer of a Threesome -

Dr.Zarzie Doteey M.D.B.A.

Starting slowly, gradually building up speed and then ending in a massive climax of the Gogginator shaking his paper on stage (Paper being the fluid motions of OH!)  the Threesome was a pleasurable experience for all involved.

Barbie has left the diner…

“I can’t…..I caaan’t” said the writer, director, actor, comedian and boxer, but he got it working in the end. 

With guest appearances from the Reidy sisters, owners of the renowned Burlesque Bar, frequented frequently by the multitude of cousins in Dramat, the performance was something Barbie n’ Ken would have been proud of.

The orgy of talent retreated to the safety of Adonis’ temple, cave, whatever, where boozing, adultery and flip dancing occurred. Or began.  In accordance with the faith everyone intermingled and scored with each other in true DTS fashion. Twas a great night! I’m sure.

Nudity didn’t rear its sometimes ugly head too much…except for that one time when the 16yr old and the 12yr old mother of 2 and part-time nun got it on with a kettle and a ladle. While watching schoolboys sleeping.

Games abounded in the house, when 2 schoolboys compared hair lines…lick my nine…Oh Skippy!



What Kind Of Party Is This?

Well there wasn’t much showering but the floor was very wet.  I make good joke? Drinking, smoking, drinking, fighting, peeing once. Poor Adonis and his lip. It was kind of like that one time in Cubins.

Awwww. It was just fucking amazing, they’re like those fucking black dudes. They should work on Patrick Street.  Ahhhmmm. I didn’t get it. I had such an urge to clean. Schoolboys. “It was like a little boy with pubes” says herself.

Give it to us the next day…ok?





Someone fully qualified in licking my nine.

Rub my back.

And my *****.


                                                         Ask Your Mom

                                                                 She’s just Such A Dote…


Your mom: Dr. Zarzie Doteey M.D.B.A (Manic Depressive Bachelor of Arts)“WHATS YOUR PROBLEM??!”



Dear Zarzie,

There is a boy I like, Eoin Winning. He’s really cool. Ahhm. But he doesn’t like me back. I’ve tried following him home, and threatening to skin his cat, if he doesn’t marry me. I’ve tried hiring a choir to sing Chop Suey by System of A Down outside his classroom. He hasn’t responded favourably. How can I make him want me?

Mary-Sue, Montenotte


How can I answer this without throwing up? No…..I can’t…..I’ll be right back. Back, back, I got back. Back.

Well, you could score with your girlfriends. That seems to impress all the boys these days.



Dear Zarzie,

How can I make my man say “Gross!”??

The Frames, RDS


Well, how bout throwing a party and getting beefy black men to cover you in black paint, then spin you around on a ceramic surface, ala Christina Milian. Then, pop. Pop. Pop. That thing. That’s how you make your man say……………………………………………………………………..GROSS!



Dear Zarzie,

I can’t stop talking in Maths riddles. 6 by 4 is the square root of all my problems, 4, 8, 7, 999999, twenty2, 7. 7. 7. LICK MY 9!!!!

Castlegoth, Paul Street


I can’t help you. Castlegoth? You’re problem seems to be that you have a really stupid name. Therefore, no one likes you. So, maths is you only friend. I have the same problem. Try changing it to Lele. Not too bad…


Dear Zarzie,

Sometimes, late at night, I lie awake and watch you sleeping.


Cut it out. Stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop.



One greek god, reasonably good condition.

Your daddy wants you to take over the family business.

As in run your religion.



This Week’s Quiz:

How many hours of sleep did Leaksa the Plumber get this week?

Answers on a postcardo to:

El Gaffo,

Po boxo: corko citio



The Winner of last week’s competition was the mighty Dr. Zarzie, with a whopping 7 out of 8 answers. 8 being the amount of people the Minor scored with in Adonis’ temple. Cave. Whatever.


Leaksa attempting to poke her eyes out from sleep deprivation….


How to shoot up? A Rabid. Rabbit. Rabbit. Rrraabi…Rabbit!

Ok. First get your friends in a sex machine, these are just a few of my favourite things.

Its kinda like the new camera. Oh! Steal a syringe, (or anything else you feel you wish to contribute to El Gaffo). I don’t say dirty things.

Dirty Pretty Things…..

Therefore, I can’t…I caaaan’t. ugh. Flof flof flof. Now that that is out of your system, make friends with the elders of El Gaffo. They will provide you with all the Gandalf, cock, coke, std’s, heroines you require. That’s a guarantee!*


Not guaranteed.**


El Musico Reviewo

Be my friend,

Hold me,

Warm me up,

Unfold me.

I am small.

And needy.

Be my friend.



Courtesy of Sia and her backing dancers.

El Limo Gamo

Level 1: 1 cup, per person, 1 limo

Level 2: 2 cups, 1 limos per person

Level 3: 2 cups, 2 limos per person

Level 4: 2 cups, 2 limos @ different times….

Have fun you guys!



Wanted: Ginger nuts. With natural yoghurt to dip with. Dip it low.


Naughty Nurse wants to be your friend. Interests include: kettles, ladles and uniforms. Will explain it all at El Gaffo.

Call the needy @ 1800-el-gaffo


Hotty maths boi wanted to help sexually frustrated young thing with her shoe fetish.


Butt plugs. Sanitary?


Yeast infection for hire.

Fiddy cent a day.


O.M.W. –

Old Man Wrinkles –


“I need more water” said the dying man at the table. The nation of Cork was saddened when informed that the beloved Old Man Wrinkles passed away. Into the depths of time. And memories.


Some people wonder was he ever in Freakscene. But he wasn’t there since the debs. An eventful evening, full of Dawson’s Crack moments. This part is a bit depressing.

So shout to ma homie in the other ward. He’s in the burn section cause his mam set him on fire.

“How did you get so wrinkly” asked one fan. “Well my mam burned me cause I wouldn’t get into the shower, so she brought the shower to me, no wait by the shower I mean a flamethrower, Yeah. I never looked back partially because the skin on my neck won’t stretch anymore”.

Peace out.


The saddened fans trying to make friends at Old Man Wrinkles’ cremation.



Drum Role. Presenting….

the E.G.

Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun dunnnn dun dun.


The Story So Far :

Zyan (Athern) gets kicked out of his shit hole house in the slums of Monto. She is brought to Mel Court, where she quickly befriends Leth Dowen, the converse wearing computer wiz kid. Who she actually fancies and settles for making her cool but she wants to have a shower with her too.  And all the women love him, and he shall never grow old.

Next Weeks Episode:

Leth wants Zyan’s ass…

But she settles for Lerissa, who she impregnates. She also likes her mom. By the way Zyan dad is in prison. Touchy subject…

“Oh mammy...lalalalaaaa”.

Its not a party.



Someone to do all the jobs ever. For no money. And above all no appreciation.