El Gaffer 

Volume No : 1                      Issue No :                              Date: 07-11-2004

 

Preparations Begin For The Arrival Of Zarzie

(Afrodick Ahern)

On Wednesday 3^rd of November, Mr. and Mrs. Dowd departed to the other side of the world, for a three month stint in the sun, leaving the young Ms. Lyndick O’Dowd (co-editor) in charge of the runnings of El Gaffo. She would later be joined in the abode by the self-proclaimed “dote”, the infamous pursuer of schoolboys and neurotic clean freak, Ms. Ezara ‘Zarzie’ Afrodick Ahern (co-editor). Hailing from parts unknown, she is an “indescribable being who transcends words” says one local (Lisa the Party Planner)- see below. Neighbours have admitted they have fears for their safety, but have also asked for an invite to El Parto at El Gaffo on Sato. Lisa has assured me those invites will be lost in the post.

-Grendel

El Gaffo: 2 Beauties modelling the latest fashion accessories…

 

What Kind Of Party Is This?

You’ve heard of Hyacinth Buckets candle-lit suppers, Elton John’s tantrum &tiara-ey soirees & you’ve heard of Slipknot’s pantwetting adventures at their aftershow parties, well…this is going to be more like the last one.

Think black flamed candles, McGuyver theme song dancing, love-handle shaking and séances,and then drench it all in tequila. This is an accurate description of an El Gaffo Parto.

Beeday will be available for use if the toilet bowl is occupied – see picture below.

Of course no house warming party will be complete without happy new year banners&a new years countdown. It will be a fun night for all the family. Remember that freak gasoline explosion accident in Zoolander? That was terrible.

Entry requirements include: keeping to the dress code of being half nude, like eating sandwiches like a good catholic &having a penchant for being half nude.

Lick My nine.

-Hnaef

Lyndick: One of her finer moments…

 

This Week’s Recipe:

Eoin’s Chicken Noodle (Like Momma Used To Make)

 

You will need:

1 packet Chicken noodles

1 Kettle

1 saucepan

1 scissors

400ml water

 

Step1: using the scissors, open the chicken noodle packer.

Step2: Put the water in the kettle and boil it.

Step3: Remove the boiling water and carefully put in saucepan.

Step4: Place the saucepan on a ring and turn it on to 5.

Step5: become bored and watch some tv

Step6: Be disturbed by your mom shouting at you for leaving the noodles burning in saucepan for half an hour.

Step7: Throw out noodles. Make a sandwich.

Next week: Microwave Popcorn

                                                         Ask Your Mom

                                                                 She’s just Such A Dote…                                       

 

 

Dear Zarzie,

College life just isn’t what its cracked up to be. I haven’t  gotten into any of the sororities I signed up for and as of yet, nobody has asked me to take place in the infamous threesomes that take place in the Aula Max. I’m really trying hard to fit in and have spent  endless hours sitting in the circle-y-gaff next to groups, and even laughed when they laugh, but to no avail. They keep smiling politely and moving on. How can I make people like me???

 

I suggest that you continue the way you are going and eventually, you will notice that the people who move on are leaving you with other weirdos like the guy who asks too many questions and that strange one who works in the new bar. They will become your new friends. Once you have established a circle, set up a society, then, immediately begin to interbreed. This is a tried and tested formula by Dramat. As regard to the threesome, I’m now inviting you to one on Tuesday – Saturday in the Granary.

 

 

 

 

Dear Zarzie,

I have a really big problem. My mother returns from her holidays on Monday, I REALLY want mess with her head? What shall I do??

 

There seems to be only one possible solution to this problem and that is to bulldoze your house, so when your mother returns, she’ll be all like, “I pure thought my house was here” and you’ll be all like “nah, your crazy”, and she’ll be like “oh, ok” and then she’ll be forced to be homeless, since she has no home. Homeless and crazy- unbeatable.

 

Dear Zarzie

I have a serious problem with the small hairy fruit. Kiwis. They are so tasty but oh sooo messy. Ohhhh whyyyy????

 

I feel the same way about oranges.

 

 

Dear Zarzie

Sometimes, late at night, I lie awake and watch you sleeping

 

Hmmmmmmmm. Creepy I’m bored of this.

 

The off-ee Special offers this week: Dutch gold Only 1 for 1euro!!! LINDEL VILLAGE ONLY 1 FOR 1 EURO!!!!! PISS IN A BOTTLE CLEARANCE SALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!