My Immortal
ephemerality.permanence
My Immortal
By: Lady Kina (7.VII.03)
Music by: Evanescence
Warnings: angst
I'm so tired of being here...
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
I walked into the visitation room. It was colored with all the flowers that people had sent. Friends and family were scattered about, talking to each other, signing the guest book, and watching the slide show. Some were even laughing.
I walked up to the casket. I closed my eyes - I didn't want to see him like this. As I stood there I could smell the cleanliness of the room. I could smell the beauty of various flowers. The medicinal smell of caked-on make-up filled my nose.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave...
I slowly opened my eyes, and I looked down at the person who was once my whole life. No on else was in the room. No one else mattered. No one could see me, and no one knew what I was thinking. No one understood me, no one understood *us*. No one understood love like we had. No one had ever felt a love like ours.
I wanted to cry. I wanted to break down and bawl until my eyes ran dry and by lungs exploded. But the tears wouldn't come. My life had long since deprived me of emotion. Unless I was with him...
'Cause your presence still lingers here...
And it won't leave me alone.
So I stood there - unaware of the eyes on me. Unaware of the people trying to comfort me. Completely unaware of everything else around me.
I just looked at him.
I wanted to yell. I wanted to know why he had to be the one taken. Why not me? Why not the person next to me? Why not the drug addict on the street? Why did it have to be the only person I ever thought to be heavenly? Why...
These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real...
I turned and left. I went out the back way and sat down on the curb. I rested my arms on my knees and held my head. Why can't I cry? I thought. I felt weak. I felt angry. But above that, I felt lonely. All this time my life had revolved around him. And now he was gone. What was I supposed to do?
I looked up at the sky. It was getting on into the afternoon. There were clouds overhead, and it smelled like rain. He never liked the rain. He was always depressed to hear the soft beating of heaven's tears...
There's just so much that time cannot erase...
I never found out what happened to the other driver. I assume he was released after some treatment. After all, my lover had gotten the worst of it. I ran my hand under my shirt and felt the scar on my side. I traced my fingers slowly over the raised skin.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears.
When I awoke, after the other truck hit our car, he was hovering over me. He was asking if I was ok, if I could see straight, if I was breathing properly. Not knowing it then, but all the while he was bleeding... vitally... from a gash in his chest. I was too dazed to notice it then, but he was dying. And here he was checking on me. On me...
I held your hand through all of these years,
We were taken to the hospital in separate ambulances. After I was bandaged, we were allowed to recover in the same room. They never told me that his wounds were lethal. Not until it was too late. My torn heart was then shattered. But I could still hear him whispering...
He died the next day.
But you still have... All of me.
My body now feels lifeless. I feel as if I'm going through the motions of life, but not actually living it. I'm empty. Lost. Alone. Scared. Confused. And silent.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bounded by the life you left behind.
I was left with our apartment. All our memories were here. Our laughs, our cries, our happiness, and our pain. His room is just how he left it. He was never a neat person; I just took the liberty to straighten up once in a while. But I haven't been in there since. I can only bring myself to the doorway, where the light streams in around me...
...And I see myself in his presence.
Your face it haunts, my once pleasant dreams.
Your voice it chased away, all the sanity in me.
Night and day my head is filled with his face. The touch of his skin, the smell of his hair, the way his eyes sparkled in the sunlight. He had the most brilliant violet eyes. So unique. Just like him.
I can still hear him calling to me. I can hear him checking on me; making sure I'm still ok. That I can see straight, that I can breathe properly... And that I'm living my life.
These wounds won't seem to heal.
This pain is just too real.
There's just so much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand though all of these years
But you still have... All of...
After all this time, I've never loved again. To this day I simply go through the motions of life. I know I will never again be complete... and that's ok. I almost don't want to. I want the void in my heart to remain there forever, so I will always remember him.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
And hopefully, he remembers me too...
I've been alone all along...
~owari
