Christmas in the MNNW

(It starts to snow outside Toran Castle. Inside, the people of the Toran Castle army are decorating a tree.)

(Drake stares at the tree.)

Drake: Hmm..... something's missing. But what? Hmm.....

Kid: Probably a star, ya think? Sheesh, even we people from SquareSoft know that, you nitwit.

Serge: Kid, come on. It's not like we have a star here anyways.

Ted: I'll go ask Usagi or Sakura for one. Be right back.

(Ted walks off to find either one of the two girls he just mentioned.)

(In Stephanie McMahon's house)

Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley: God, did Christmas have to come so soon? God. I hate Christmas.

Triple H: Steph, I'm surprised in you. Why do you hate Christmas? You always loved it.

It's just so old and boring now. I can't stand it. All I hear or see is "Merry Christmas," or "spend all your power on Power Ranger bullshit!" It's the same crap every year. (she hears the doorbell ring) Who could that be? It's 0 degrees out.

(Stephanie opens the door to see Christmas carolers.)

Sailor Moon: Hi, Stephanie, would you like to spread some Christmas cheer here in Connecticut?

No, I would not, now GET OFF MY PROPERTY BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!

Sakura: What's your problem? You were never like this before. Why the sudden change, Steph?

Well I don't feel like having a Christmas this year. So shut up, get out, or I'll call the cops.

(The carolers leave.)

My god, I thought they would never leave.

Come on, Steph, they're just kids trying to spread some cheer.

And who are you supposed to be? Michael Jackson? Sorry, Hunter, I'm going out. I need to get away from this Christmas crap.

(Stephanie grabs her fancy mink coat and walks out the door. It is snowing like crazy. She walks by someone with a lot of gifts.)

Mighty Molly: Hi, Steph. Would you like to help me carry my gifts home?

No I would not. Now scram!

(Stephanie pushes Mighty Molly down into the snow. Her presents fallinto the snow. Stephanie walks away, but trips over one of the presents and hits her head on the concrete.)

Oh look, stars. (faints)

Stephanie! Oh my god! (She runs over to Stephanie) Help!

(Hours later)

(Stephanie wakes up in a bed. She feels her head, which was bleeding, but is now bandaged up. She looks around. She hears a party going on in the next room.)

Who the hell?

(Stephanie opens the door and sees Vince McMahon drinking a beer and rocking out to some Metallica and other rock and roll bands. He looks at her.)

Vince: Well, hello, Stephanie.

Dad? What are you doing here?

(in a ghostly voice) I have came to warn you that tonight, you will be visited by three spirits. You must do what they say or.....(coughs) (regular voice) God that sucked. Sorry, I had something in my throat. Too much beer. Well, anyways, just do what Scrooge did in "The Christmas Carol." You'll know what I mean.

(Vince disappears. Stephanie looks around. The clock chimes 10.)

Oh god, here comes the Ghost of Christmas Past probably. Okay, get over here and bore me with my past.

(A white light appears. A goose wearing priest-like clothing appears.)

What the hell?

Goose: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. (someone breaks wind) What was that?

Triple H's probably on the crapper.

Past Spirit: Oh. Well, I am here to take you to your past. I am here to....

Yeah yeah yeah, shut up and take me there.

Past Spirit: You're persistent, aren't you?

No, just bored out of my mind already.

Past Spirit: Well, let's go. Grab my wing and I will take you through the sky of time.

(scoffs) God, I'm gonna be sick!

(Stephanie grabs the spirit's wing and they disappear. They appear in one of Vince's homes. A little Stephanie is walking to the bathroom.)

Hey, I'm home. Well, not home home, but..... This is great. This is like a home movie, but with me in it.

Spirit: Sshhh.... You're here to learn.

(The little Stephanie opens the door to see Santa Claus on her toilet smoking a cigar. The Santa is really Vince.)

Ain't you ever see a fat guy take a crap? Shut the damn door!

(The little Stephanie screams and runs away.)

That traumatized me for life. Why did you show me this?

Spirit: I don't know.

(They both disappear in a flash of light. They appear in that same home, but when Stephanie was engaged to Test.)

This is the year 1999. What in the......? My early Christmas with Test. Oh no!

(Stephanie is seen with Test.)

Test: Merry Christmas, Steph.

Younger : No problem, Andrew. I love you.

(They both stand under a mistletoe and kiss.)

Spirit: Don't you feel happy?

Well..... I'm feeling something...... SICK! Hell no, this is disgusting. I hate it. Why do you take me here?

Spirit: You don't learn do you?

Well...... I sort of do feel a change. I feel..... like I'm gonna puke!

(Stephanie puts her index finger in her mouth and pretends to gag.)

Younger : Did you hear something?

No, why?

Younger I could've swore I heard someone gagging.

Huh? How could they hear me?

Spirit: Okay, next stop, December 13, 1999.

(They both disappear. Stephanie sees herself talking to Vince on Monday Night Raw.)

Past You wanna know something, Daddy? Triple H.... He really turns me on!

Spirit: There you are slapping your own father in the face. How could you? Right before Christmas too.

(starting to cry): I didn't mean to....... I just wanted..... publicity! (starts to wail like Sailor Moon)

(The past Stephanie and Vince look around.)

Who's crying?

Past Not me.

How can they hear me? I thought they couldn't hear or see us.

Spirit: Well, you're breaking the sound barrier.

Hey.

(The bell on a clock starts to chime.)

Spirit: Oh my, I have to go. Beware. The second spirit is much frightening.

I thought future was.

Spirit: No, one look at the Spirit of the Present and it'll make you crap your pants. Don't say I didn't warn you.

(The spirit disappears)

Hey, how do I get..... (she appears in the house) Home? Hey, I'm here. (looks at the table) Hey, where did all this food come from?

(A tremor starts up. Stephanie looks at a cup of water. She sees it rippling. She screams and runs under her bed. The door opens.)

Spirit of the Present: I'm here.

What the? Fluisa?

(Stephanie comes out from under her bed to see Fluisa Campbell eating the food.)

Fluisa: (with mouth full) Hi. Want some?

(Fluisa holds a half eaten turkey leg in front of Stephanie's face.)

Um..... I'm on a diet.

Oh, you make Weasa sad. By the way, you can't spell diet without "die." Well, I'm here to show you what's going on now in the present. (pulls out an apple from her shirt) Let's get going. (eats the apple) Want it?

No.

(They both vanish into a flash of light. They appear in Toran Castle.)

Hey, the base. What are we doing here?

Hello?! People! We need a star for the damn tree!

We're looking as fast as we can, but we can't find it.

What good is a Christmas Tree without a star on it? That's just bull.

(The door opens and Mighty Molly comes in.)

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I crashed into Stephanie and she went unconscious. She's at my place recouperating. So, how goes the star search? (everyone stares at her) What? Was it something I said? Sheesh. Excuse me.

I just wish we could just find it already.

Okay, the point of this thing is.... What?

I don't know. It's in the script. (holds it out) See?

I always did hate Christmas Carol rip offs. (rips up script) Oh well, let me guess. If I don't give them a star, we're all dead.

Well, you're not so dumb after all. (laughs)

Hey! Take that back!

(They both vanish in a flash of light again. They appear at a Christmas Party at the WWF.)

Bradshaw: Hey, Trips, where's Steph at? I thought she was gonna make it.

Well, she isn't. *sigh* I'm surprised I don't divorce her for I don't know.... Stacy Keibler or something.

Stacy Keibler: You called?

(Stephanie's mouth drops.)

What the? Oh-no. I should've went with Triple H to the party, but now he's gonna divorce me for this slut?

Being a slut ain't that bad. You should know that.

Shut up, Fluisa, before I......

(Bell chimes on a clock again.)

Oh god, not again. Well, Fluisa, you TRIED to get me to understand, but you didn't. So, go away! You're disgusting.

(Stephanie appears in the bedroom again. She grabs her head and falls on the bed.)

Remind me never to tork off a spirit. (the clock strikes 12) Uh-oh. The Ghost of Christmas Future. Oh-no, he's coming to get me!

(Stephanie hides in the closet. A clear mist appears underneath it. She tries to hold in her tear of fright, but it's not working. She opens the closet to see a cloaked figure.)

Ar....Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future? (Cloak nods) Then you're here to show me my future? (Cloak nods) Do you speak? (Cloak nods) (angrilly) Are you well aware that I'm gonna kick your ass?! (cloak shakes head) MYYEEEAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Stephanie jumps on the cloak on rips off the cloak. She stares in shock. She screams and runs to the bed. The camera scrolls up on the person. He's wearing all leather. As soon as the camera reaches the face, you hear a scream. It's..... It's......)

("Bad" plays)

Michael Jackson: (breakdances) OW!

Michael Jackson? You're the Ghost of Christmas Future? I'm surprised you're not out there raping small children.

Hey, that's top secret. I mean, that's ignorant. Well, anyways. Come with me and we'll moonwalk to the future.

Are you sure you're not talking about "Never Neverland?" *sighs* Fine, just get it over with.

(They both moonwalk into a mist. As the mist clears, they are in a ruined version of Toran Castle.)

What the hell happened here?

When you didn't show up to the party, Triple H married Stacy Keibler and then they joined the wirusu. Triple H outsmarted you guys and led the wirusu in here and destroyed everything. Whenever you see one of your team mates, they're probably wirusu.

So you mean that because of me, everyone has to suffer? No way! I refuse to believe that.

(A gray version of Drake appears, as does a gray version of everyone else.)

Gray We serve only the wirusu.

Gray Toran Army: We serve only the wirusu.

This is insane! What about me? Am I dead or something?

Well, only you and Kari got out and formed a rebellion against the wirusu. The thing is, you two don't stand a chance and are going to be executed on Christmas Day. (laughs)

That's not funny! It's all because of me that the world will die and that everyone becomes a wirusu! I hate myself! I hate MYSELF! I'll go to that damn party! I'll stop Triple H from marrying Stacy Keibler, and I'll give Toran a star!

Congratulations, you have learned!

Oh shut up, Jackson! You make me sick!

(Stephanie slaps Michael and he vanishes into mist.)

Michael? Michael? Where did you go?

(Stephanie appears in a guillotine stand. Next to her is Kari in another guillotine stand.)

Kari?

Kari: Stephanie...... we failed......

(A guillotine starts to fall. Stephanie screams.)

I'll change! I'll change! I'll CHANGE!

(Stephanie wakes up. She looks around and sees Triple H next to her.)

You're awake. Good.

What day is it? Did you marry Stacy Keibler? Did Toran Castle get a star?

Whoa, calm down, Ebenezer Scrooge. I didn't marry Stacy, Vince gave Toran Castle a Christmas Star, and it's Christmas Day. They are waiting for you at the castle, I think.

I didn't miss it! All right! See ya, Hunter.

(Stephanie throws on a black dress, grabs some gifts in the closet, and runs to Toran Castle.)

(At Toran)

Stephanie never made it. The only presents left are for her. She probably doesn't care anymore.

(There's knocking at the door.)

I'll get it.

(Ted opens the door to reveal Stephanie with a big bag.)

Merry Christmas everyone!

Hey, you made it.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. I love Christmas. I love you guys. And I also love..... (sees her presents) gifts from you guys.

(Everyone hands Stephanie a gift. She also hands them gifts. Outside a window is Vince and the spirits.)

Okay, you did your job. Take your money. I told you getting her drunk would do the job.

(Vince hands each of the spirits money.)

Narrator: And so ends our Christmas tale. Stephanie got gifts afterall, Triple H didn't destroy the world, and Vince showed his generousity by giving the spirits money for making Stephanie understand. See you next time. Merry Christmas.

(in Santa suit) Merry Fuckin' Christmas

The End