Drake: Hey, guess what tomorrrow is. It's St. Patrick's Day tomorrow.

Meilin: I don't see why you're getting so worked up over that. It's just a stupid Irish holiday.

It's the day that my buddy, the Leprechaun, comes here for a visit. I hope no one steals his gold, as usual.

Sailor Moon: Gold? Ooh, that sounds pretty cool. But I just got us tickets to go see that WCW PRE-pay-per-view: St. Patrick's Day Massacre. I guess I'll have to throw them out.

WAIT! USAGI! DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!! We could use them. I mean, I haven't been to a wrestling event since May 10, 2000. It was cool, Crowbar and Daffney were there, and so was Ernest Miller.

King: Let's get going then. I heard it's going to be at the Diamond Back Arena in Arizona.

All: LET'S GO!!!!

(They all bunch up in a car and drive off.)

Where'd the car come from?

I swapped it from some unsuspecting wrestler.

(Outside)

Shawn Stasiak: HEY! COME BACK HERE WITH MY CAR!

Police officer: Shut up! (He shoots Stasiak and kills him) Back to sleep.

(At Arizona)

Ric Flair: Hey, where's my coffee, Animal? You promised me my coffee. Now GO GET IT!

Road Warrior Animal: Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up.

(He goes out to get some coffee, when Jeff Jarrett enters the room with an object in his hand.)

Jeff Jarrett: Yo, boss, look what I found. (He shows them all a gold coin) Ain't it cool? I found it in the bathroom while some little kid was taking a dump.

Wait, I've seen a coin like that. (grabs a book of myths) It's a leprechaun's coin. It will grant anyone ONE wish only. So, since you found it, you get to make your "wish".

Fine then, Ric. I wish to be the WCW commissioner. (the coin flashes red and a corporate suit appears on him.) Whoa, where did these come from?

I don't know, but you're the commissioner now. WHOOO!!!!

(In the bathroom, a stall opens revealing the Leprechaun holding onto a leather bag filled with coins.)

Leprechaun: That fruggin' hick's a common thief. Since he has my coin, I'm going to give him a lot of grief. His wish to be commish is well. But when I'm done with him, he'll be in hell! And hooie, the stuff in this toilet smells like ground beef!

(Out in the parking lot)

Where's Smooth at? He's suppose to pick me up so I can get my hair done. (A limo appears in the distance) Here he comes now. (he flashes the coin) Come here, Smooth.

(The limo won't stop. Jarret screams and he throws the coin in the building. The limo hits him full force. The window rolls down revealing the Leprechaun, laughing sinisterly.)

When you steal, you pay the price. Now you're just food for the mice.

(He gives $200 cash to M.I. Smooth)

M.I. Smooth: Man, thanks a lot, I didn't like that guy at all.

(Back in the arena, Animal finds the coin.)

I guess Jeff won't be needing this then. It's all mine now. Time for me to go make my wish. But for what? I know, I wish I didn't have all these injuries. (the coin flashes again) Hey, I feel 100% percent now. This thing really works.

(He leaves just as Leprechaun walks into the building. He starts to sniff.)

I sense my shilling's near. But whoever has it will pay dear. Be you warn, young brigand, cause I'm going to feed you to the Spriggans.

(Animal continues to walk along, until he runs into Scott Steiner and Midajah.)

Scott Steiner: Hey, Animal, what's that youse got?

None of your business, Steiner. It's my lucky charm in the business. If you don't mind, I have to get Mr. Flair some coffee.

Midajah: Come on, Animal, let's see it. What is it that you have?

Fine, it's a gold coin that can grant you a wish. That's all I'm telling you.

Whoa, let me see that thing. (Animal flashes the coin) Gimme that! (He snatches the coin) Haha! Let's book it, baby!

(Scott and Midajah run away, laughing.)

Oh well, at least I feel like I just started wrestling. Ow, something stung me. (He looks at his arm, which is now limping) What the?

See what happens when you steal from me? Now give me me coin, or I'll break your knee. (He points to Animal's leg, and it breaks) WHERE IS IT?!

I...I don't have it. Scott Steiner and Midajah took it.

Since you're truthful, I'll let you live. But one thing, I never keep a promise!

(He makes all of Animal's old injuries come back, causing them to tear him up, bit by bit.)

Now I have to get my coin back from a steroid using baboon.

(Meanwhile...)

Give me that coin, Scott. I found it first!

No, I found it. I make the wish.

You double crossing prick, I can't believe I trusted you. If I had that coin, I would wish that you went to hell.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MIDAJAH?! I WISH YOU WENT TO HELL! (the coin glows and Midajah disappears in a fiery flash) Baby? Where'd you go?

(The door busts down with a big bang. There's the Leprechaun with a detonator.)

WHERE'S MY SHILLING?! GIVE IT TO ME, OR THERE WILL BE MORE KILLING!

You know what, you little freak? (he throws the coin out the window) Go fetch, runt.

I'll make you wish you never did that! Now I'm going to make you go splat! I have stuff in me coat I want to use right now, so take a peek! (He opens his coat revealing tubes of steroids) Say good-bye, "freak"! Time to become food for the rats!

(He starts to pierce Scott with the steroids. His whole body slowly starts to grow big, as he explodes.)

(with umbrella) Now that was quite a load to have to explode. What a poor lass - I had to blow up your ass. But now I must hit the road.

(Outside)

Rick Steiner: I can't believe that Ted Turner's making me lose my title tomorrow against that idiot, Booker T. (He looks at a pile of trash and sees the coin) Hey, it's that coin from that movie. (He picks it up) Ha, I know what to wish for. I wish to have the agility of a cruiserweight. (the coin flashes) Ah, I feel it now. I must go defeat Booker.

(As he leaves, Leprechaun walks into the alleyway.)

DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Back inside, Rick climbs up to the top of the lighting rig.)

Look out, people, here I come. (He does a moonsault onto a rookie from the WCW Powerplant.) That felt good. I want to do it again.

(Buff Bagwell and Lex Luger enter the arena to see what he's doing.)

Lex Luger: Rick, what in the hell are you doing? Moonsaults? That's not like you.

Yeah, I found a magic coin that can grant anyone a wish. I wished for agility of a cruiserweight. Look at me now.

(He climbs the lighting rig again, but drops the coin into the hand of Buff.)

Buff Bagwell: Cool, I got the coin, Lex. Let's get out of here and make our "wishes".

(Totally Buffed leave the arena.)

(On the lighting rig)

Here I go, one more time. Let's see Booker dodge this.

(A flash of green light appears revealing the Leprechaun. Steiner screams.)

One small step for Lepi. One giant fall for Rick Steiner.

(Leprechaun puts a lit match in Rick's boot. Rick starts to jump around, then falls backwards off the lighting rig, and to his death, splattering everywhere.)

Huh? Where is it? Where's me shilling? UGH!

(In a locker room)

Hey, Lex, how about I wish for something first, then you next. Do you like that? Huh?

How do I know you won't wish for my death?

Will this help? I wish for some hot, pretty girls to come in here and give me the time of my life.

(The door busts in revealing three girls. They look like cheap hookers. Buff's jaw lowers, and his pupils become hearts. He floats to the girls.)

Girls: Hi, Buffy.

WHOA, BABY! LOOK AT THOSE! Here, take the coin, I'm going with these girls.

(He leaves with the other girls.)

(in another dressing room)

Girl #1: I guess they were right about you being buff, the stuff, and that we CAN'T get enough.

Girl #2: Come on, Buff, do it some more!

Girl #3: More, more, more! (fire shoots out of the wall) Oops.

(The TV flashes on revealing the Leprechaun. We see the Leprechaun appear on the TV screen. "GNOME SHOPPING CHANNEL" is in the graphic at the bottom of the screen, and the Leprechaun is selling shoes.

Just $29.95 for these handmade shoes. You'll be walkin' many a mile with only a smile, me boy-os. Order now and receive a free...

(Buff and the girls roll over onto the remote again and the channel changes. We see the Leprechaun version of Jimmy Swaggart. Just below him is a GRAPHIC that reads, "DONATIONS, CALL 1-800-WE BURN U.")

(continuing) Yer all doomed to hell-fire and damnation fer fornicatin' with the devil's harlots! Especially you, Buff! Yer a prime offender!

(Buff looks over one of the girls' shoulder at the TV.)

What?? Did he... did you hear my name mentioned?

(The girls rolls him over, out of frame and we hear him whimper. Buff and the girls still rolling on the bed. The channel on the TV changes again and we see the Leprechaun in drag as "Athena Cosmos." A graphic at the bottom of the screen reads, "ATHENA COSMOS, PSYCHIC TO THE STARS.")

All signs point to a tragedy about to happen. WCW wrestler dies, while rollin' about in a bed of lies.

What?? You hear that??

(Buff looks from the TV to the girls and sees that they've changed. Their bodies have become like the insides of a television. Wires, cables, circuit boards, etc. Their arms and legs are long electrical cables, arcing and sparking over poor Buff.)

What the hell is happening?! Get off me!! This is a nightmare!! Lemme outta here!

(The electric cables start snaking around Buff and he screams in agony as electricity starts shooting through his body. Leprechaun appears.)

(squawking) Illegal hook-up!! Illegal hook-up! (his normal voice) Cable pirates, man yer battle stations! You'll get what's due, when I electrocute you!

(The Leprechaun cackles with joy. Buff screams in final agony. The cyborgs start to short circuit, causing electricity to surge through the body of Buff. He dies as soon as the electricity is gone. But he still twitches.)

(In Luger's room)

What do I want in all the world? I know. I wish to be the WCW World Heavyweight Champion. (the coin flashes and the championship belt appears around his waist.) I got it! But that means I'll have to fight DDP on Sunday. Oh well. (He feels the belt getting tighter and tighter.) Ow! That hurts. What the? (he screams as he looks down. There's a snake with Leprechaun's head on it.) A MONSTER!

Now you'll pay, now that I have you in my grasp. It's going to be fun listening to your final gasp. You dirty muscular thief, you've been giving me grief. I'll kill you in the form of an asp!

(Leprechaun turns into an asp and starts to bite Lex. All the biting causes him to to slide the coin under the door. After a while, he dies.)

(changing back) No, he doesn't have it either. I MUST HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Outside the room, Ric Flair finds the coin.)

Hey, this is Jeff's. Oh well, I guess it's mine now.

(He walks away to his office.)

WHOO!!! I have the coin, and that means I can wish for anything I want. I wish for power over the world. (the coin flashes again and rain starts to pour down.) WHOA! I did it! I made it rain!

(A girl soaken wet walks in.)

Girl: Hi, are you Mr. Flair?

Yeah, that's me. What can I do for you, young lady?

Girl: Can I strip for you?

Hell yeah! Do it!

Girl: Okay.

(She puts her index finger and thumb together at her forehead and zips down like a zipper. Standing there is the Leprechaun on stilts with a machine gun.)

You dirty, rotten thief. You've been giving me grief. How you'll die is quite obvious. Now you'll pay the price of stealing from me.

That doesn't rhyme with obvious.

Who cares?! I'm in a hurry! I'm late for my flight!

(Leprechaun shoots Ric with the machine gun, causing Ric to fly out a window. Ric lands on the sidewalk outside the arena, barely alive.)

Ow, that hurt. (His music starts to play, slowly) Hey, I'm on. Holy crap!

(He starts to walk, but a tank appears in front of him. He can now hear the music loudly.)

(popping his head out of the top) Say good-bye, you stupid SOB!

(The tanks shoots a missile out that makes Ric explode after one final WHOO. The coin flies into the tank.)

Ah, finally. (picks it up and put it in the bag) That's 100 coins. (he hears a car) Huh? What's that?

(The car stops and the heroes come out.)

Lepi? You killed them. The PPV's cancelled now. They're going to have to find new bad guys.

Oops.

Um... Your Crystal's glowing.

Does that mean that Lepi's one of us?

Fraid so, me boy. Now move over in that van, I'm joining the ranks.

(They all ride off in the sunset.)