Site hosted by Build your free website today!

The Very Secret Diary of Sephiroth

By Zak the dark elf

Day 1:

Today Hojo advised me to keep a diary. I suspect this is so he can spy on my inner thoughts and feelings… Well, in that case, I shall have to write about how much I hate him, won’t I, Diary?

It was another boring day as usual at ShinRa… Was mauled by fanboys again today at the cafeteria on one of the few occasions that I felt the need to eat something. I have decided that if I get the urge to eat again, I will order pizza and hide away in my room. Still have not located who took my underwear.

V. disappointed.
Still hate Hojo.

Day 2:

More drills for the new recruits today. Was asked for my signature again… That’s the 45th time this week alone… and it’s only Tuesday. Sigh.

Got revenge by testing how far the recruits would follow my orders. Must have Cloud tell them I did not mean ‘break a leg’ literally.

Zack came to my room today. He was v. drunk. Was v. happy. I do not think he will notice that he forgot his shirt in my room. Cloud, on the other hand, might. He is so possessive.

Yup, still hate Hojo.

Day 3:

Hojo called me down to the lab for more ‘testing’ today. I am quite sure that a cavity search was not necessary, as I could not, and would not, stick a six-foot sword into my rectum. Was poked with many needles nonetheless, forced to take off my clothing, and exposed to more mako radiation. I could have sworn the so-called mako looked more like lime Jell-O, but it could just be my eyes. Then again, I could also have sworn that I saw Hojo eating the exact same substance in the cafeteria a few days ago. Something is wrong…. V. wrong…

Hate Hojo even more.

Day 13:

Spent last ten days in Wutai on a mission. I swear, ShinRa is coming up with more ridiculous missions every day. Sake is not a new type of mako weapon, despite indications to the contrary (which, might I add, were provided by Heidegger). Wasted time relaxing on the beach with the rest of the SOLDIERS, although it seemed like many people were staring at me. Maybe neon pink is not a good color for a Speedo?

Who am I supposed to hate? Oh, right. Hojo.

Day 15:

Saw Cloud in the pool area today. As usual, Zack was flirting outrageously with him. V. displeased. Decided that I had to teach both of them a lesson. Heh.

Have also decided that pool noodles shall not be permitted in the pool area. You can put an eye out with those things, as we found out the hard way. Of course, it was entirely an accident, but I don’t think Reno thinks so. He shouldn’t have been spying on us anyways.

Note to self: Kill Hojo.

Day 16:

Found out I am going to be sent on a mission to Nibelheim soon. According to Scarlet, there is something wrong with the reactor up there. Sigh. I’m a SOLDIER, not a plumber. They should send in Mario, not me. However, Cloud seems to be excited about the prospect.

Ventured outside the ShinRa building today. Mauled by fanboys again. Mauled back. Heads rolled. Underwear missing again, damn it. Will kill them all when I rule the world.

Yeah, right. I wish.

Day 19:

In ShinRa vehicle on way to Nibelheim. Cloud bounced around a lot. He seems to have motion si- Ew. Yes, definitely motion sickness. Need bath. Brb.

Back. Am in Nibelheim Inn. Small place, not many people. Saw little man in black robes hovering outside the window. Oddly enough, he challenged me to a staring contest. Despite being bothered many times by Cloud, I still managed to win. Apparently, my reward is somewhere in the Nibelheim reactor. Must go there tomorrow, but need rest now.

Almost forgot… Hojo, I still hate you.

Day 20:

Headed up to reactor. Went insane. Was killed by Cloud. Am now in lifestream.

Day ???:

Was resurrected as a clone of me. Technically, I am me, but I’m not me. Is v. unsettling. Not sure whether I can trust me yet. I’m sure I will let me know when I figure it out.

Love Hojo? Must have had brain tampered with.

Day ??? + 3:

PMSed today. Killed ShinRa and most of the employees. Made Heidegger wet himself. I feel v. much better now.

Still dragging around bloody body of my mother, Jenova, that I seem to have ripped out of the Nibelheim reactor. I don’t know why I have it… I’m just a clone, after all. Maybe Hojo has a thing for twisted, purplish, mutated masses of lumpy flesh? Bad thoughts. V. bad thoughts.

Day ??? + 10:

Found Cloud again today. He’s not much taller. Still a runt. Mentally teased him for a while and probably short-circuited his memory. Oops. Oh well. I’ll just tell him he’s a clone of mine.

Also met snivelling little Ancient. V. annoying. “Oh, Cloud” this and “oh, Cloud” that. HE’S MINE, DAMN IT! Er…

Day Ax^2 + Cy^2 + Dx + Ey + F =0

Cloud seems to be following me… Apparently, he is out to kill me just because I am evil and wish to take over the world by killing everyone on it. Is that so very wrong? Also, is it just me, or are Vincent and Cid secretly gay? It could just be me, but really now… How often am I wrong about these things?

Oh, yes. Got Black Materia. Yay! Cloud remembered our anniversary after all.

Day somethingaruther:

Lured Cloud and his little team into the Sleeping Forest. Annoying Cetra got there first, of course. Got revenge for the time she snapped my bra in the lifestream. Cross dressing is not as risk-free as it seems. Tried to make Cloud kill her, but did not work, so had to stab her myself. He said he was still mad at me for the incident in the cave. How was I supposed to know there was a tentacle-beast in there?

Some day a long time after I last wrote in this blasted thing:

Damn. Almost took over world and attained godly power. Got into lover’s spat with Cloud, however, and he sent all of his so-called friends after me. Sigh. Died. In lifestream again. With Aeris again. Damn, damn damn.

Hmph. And they say only the good die young.
Over all, v. bad year.

Six years later...

Day 1:

Note: There is more to come. I haven't finished Seph's diary yet. There'll be one for Cloud, too.

Email the author (Zak the dark elf)?

To the top