"Hello yet again, gullible and easily amused public, and welcome to the latest edition of Jusenkyou Theatre, the second half of a two-part question & answer joke session that I set up so that I wouldn't have to think of something funny to write." Black Dragon addressed the readers on a stage, dressed in an ill-fitting tuxedo.
"While I wouldn't call the Q&A thing a 'success', as it turns out, there are a few oddballs who can get far enough into my bizarre alterverses that they would ask questions to people who don't exist. I don't get it either. But, whatever."
BD nodded and was handed an envelope from off-stage. "Thanks IY." Then he turned again toward the readers. "Our first three questions are all from Albert Cheng, with the first one addressed, oddly enough, to me."
He opened the envelope and held up the letter. "'You seem like the type to have a girls-with-guns fetish, do you? If so, why not have more girls with guns?'" BD frowned and looked up in thought.
"Well, to answer this question, I'll need to go deep into the inner workings of my psyche, and explain how my personal fantasies/hallucinations contrast greatly with the necessary elements for effective writing. But that would be boring, so I'll just make something up."
He coughed into his fist. "As a geeky young adult male, I have somehow managed to retain that same irrational fear of women that kept me single and dateless throughout all of high school. In order to try to assemble this fear in some reasonable spectrum for my conscious mind, it helps to imagine that all women possess powerful weaponry, as well as an instinctual desire to use it on me. Thus, it's not really a 'fetish' as it is a 'rationalization'."
BD looked further down into the letter. "Ah! This is addressed to Mia Tokima. 'Don't you ever get tired of being known as Alexandra's twin? How do you deal with it?'"
Black Dragon nodded happily. "Now that's precisely the kind of in-depth, colorful question we here at BDP appreciate! I'm very glad that Mr. Cheng brought this up, and all of you should be too!"
He looked further down the letter. "Finally, our last question in this letter is for Dr. Yoshi Konta. I'll have him come out and read it."
The diminutive scientist hailing from the Guardian timeline stepped out from backstage briskly, and nodded as he took the paper from his creator.
"I see... 'when was the last time you took a vacation? What did you do for fun?'" Yoshi looked up thoughtfully. "Well now, that would be... two years ago. I took a short break from creating the next generation of hellish monsters for a few weeks of relaxation in Portugal. That got boring VERY quick. So I found the nearest terrorist cell, broke into a lab, and used it to create an army of giant mutant lemurs that took over the country for me." He put down the letter.
BD blinked. "The whole country? Then what happened?"
Yoshi shrugged. "Nothing. Nobody noticed. Technically, I still own the place. I was actually planning to sell it on E-Bay, but work in the FA sector has been an absolute HORROR lately. I just can't get a moment to myself."
"Ah." BD sweatdropped as the little man walked off the stage. "Okay then. Next question comes from a fellow named Erok Sawe." He was handed an envelope. "Ah. Ranma and Asuka from Guardian. Get out here!"
The police captain and her pigtailed subordinate strode up onstage obediently, and both took one side of the letter as they held it in front of them.
"Let's see," Asuka began, "'Is it possible that Ranma and Asuka are engaged to be married?'" She immediately stopped reading, even though there was more to the letter, and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, no. Not at all."
Ranma tried not to breathe a sigh of relief. Like he needed MORE woman problems. "Uh, okay. Moving on. 'Considering that Ranma's father is a thief and Asuka's father is the head of a major crime org, isn't it possible that-' wait, whoa, WHAT?!" Ranma suddenly jerked his head back to the part about Asuka's family.
He couldn't read it over, however, because his captain had recovered from her mortified shock and had snatched the paper from his hands. "Ha ha ha! Well, we answered the question! No! We're all done here!" She quickly ripped the paper up into a thousand pieces, and grabbed Ranma's arm before dashing off-stage, her face a solid red.
"Uh huh... next question..." BD was handed another envelope. "Next question is from Jonas Fredrikson. 'What is the difference between mana and ki? Are they simply two different names for the same thing?'"
BD grinned. "Your question was addressed to whichever Nexus II fellow was best able to provide a solution. But that would be too simple. So we dragged out the entire Nexus II main team, excluding K, and with the addition of the priest guy that hasn't shown up yet!"
Ranma, Rayden, and Kaze all walked out on stage, looking bored.
"Ranma, we'll start with you. What's the difference between ki and mana?"
Ranma blinked. "Well, that's easy. Ki is the stuff that I use. And mana is like... you know, different. Mages use that stuff."
"Thank you for that Ranma, you've been absolutely no help," BD deadpanned. "Rayden?"
The dark paladin grinned. "Yeah, I know that! Ki is a light, fruity alcoholic beverage served in the Kaimel region of Gheerhaldis. And I think you mean 'mone', not 'mana', which has a similar flavor, but only half the alcohol content."
"You're an idiot," Black Dragon stated simply. "Kaze, your thoughts?"
"Yes, he is."
"I meant about the question."
The bishop nodded. "It's quite simple, really. 'Ki' is an semi-ambient cohesive energy matrix that assembles around the spiritual flux of a patterned diemtrax, and is thus more potent and well-applied when used in quick or in fact entirely reflexive melee actions, but only at a maximum of twice per turn, with a combined roll of ten." He raised his index finger into the air. "Mana is an entirely paraphysical non-cohesive energy 'pool' that is assembled around the ley lines of a hercular body and flows without the structural integrity of a spiritual container. Thus it is able to form coherent energy patterns in the sub-plane to generate metaphysical complex energy fields of varying potency, though if the caster is struck while forming the necessary patterns, he or she must make a saving throw at -3 or fail casting, due to mana's unstable fluctuations." He stopped talking, then tilted his head slightly to one side. "Well, to put in layman's terms, that is."
"How much of that did you just make up?" BD asked, sweatdropping.
'He's onto me,' Kaze thought, keeping his face neutral. "In summary, the answer to your question is 'no'. They're completely different energies."
"Thank you for that," Black Dragon deadpanned, watching the adventurers wander off the stage. "The next question is for Ataru Saotome, from this very fanfiction series, asked by Alan Podjursky! Whose name, by the way, can be rearranged to spell 'a plod jury sank'!" BD's expression turned serious. "That's what you get for complaining about my treatment of Akane. I've got more anagrams where that came from!"
Ataru strode proudly onto the stage, waving. Then he took the letter BD was holding. "Lessee here... 'How long did you spend feeling yourself up after Jusenkyou, and where?'"
Ataru stared hard at the letter, then he shook his head and looked up. "I'm not gonna answer that."
BD frowned. "Well, you have to say SOMETHING. And make it funny."
The lecher sighed and massaged his forehead. "Okay, okay... something funny..." After a few moments, he snapped his fingers. "How about this: What does Jusenkyou have to do with how much I feel myself up?"
"That was gross. Go away." Black Dragon shook his head, and then took the next envelope. "Okay. Next one is from Phil St. Pierre, who hopefully doesn't hold my frequent French-bashing against me. It's for Ranma or Rayden... doesn't say which one... let's say Nexus... Ranma. Get out here!"
Nexus Ranma again trudged on-stage, annoyed at having been called out twice.
"All right, all right... 'If you were to wear a ring, would you go for the bling-bling effect or would you go for damage quality?'"
Ranma stared at the letter for a few moments. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He looked helplessly toward BD. "What's a 'bling bling' effect?"
Black Dragon shrugged. "I'm an anime nerd; you think I know? It's like some kind of rap thing."
Shaking his head, Ranma thought about the question again. "Well... I guess I'd go for damage quality... I mean, like, how powerful the magic bolt that it shoots is or whatever." Then he frowned. "Though if I could have ANY ring, I'd want one that resurrects me, or maybe heals me when I'm hurt real bad." He looked thoughtful. "Do they have rings like that?"
"I don't care," BD said bluntly, "though I must compliment you on providing the most useful and rational answer thusfar in this stupid omake. Now leave." Ranma did so, and BD grabbed the next letter.
"Our next question is from Michael Hommon. It's asked to the nameless lawyer that got smashed in the last chapter of Takahashi Soup, and refers to that continuum, asking, 'Which and how many laws did Ranma break?'" BD shook his head. "Unfortunately, that nameless lawyer is currently in the hospital recovering from a broken-to use the technical medical term-'justabouteverything'. Thus, we have a special guest star covering this question! May I present Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law!"
An older Ranma wearing a black business suit steps onto the stage, holding a briefcase. Upon reaching the center of the stage, he opened the briefcase, and then began assembling a projector screen.
After a few moments, Ranma had set up the projector screen and projector unit, and turned to face the readers.
He coughed into his hand to clear his throat. "My alterverse persona from this particular continuum is guilty of precisely six different infractions within the timeframe covered by all this flimsy prose. Exhibit A!"
The projector showed an image of Ranma walking to school. Ranma pointed to his alter-self's white, sleeveless Chinese-style shirt. "This shirt and pants combination went out of style years ago! Exhibit B!"
The next image showed a picture of Ranma landing in the enchanted spring at Jusenkyou. "Trespassing on ancient, forbidden cursed places! Exhibit C!"
The next image showed Ranma kicking Ataru into a stream. "Littering in a public park! Exhibit D!"
The next image showed Ranma kicking Genma into a river. "Polluting a protected river with endangered species! Exhibit E!"
The next image showed Ranma releasing the lever on his catapult, and had captured the image of the nameless lawyer being slammed into the ground. "Construction of medieval siege engines without a permit! And finally, Exhibit F!"
The final image showed Ranma launching the vice principal into the air with his illegally constructed catapult. "Huh? Oops. Sorry. Wrong slide."
Ranma hit a button on the projector, and the image changed to one of Ranma scarfing down chocolate chip cookies while Ataru looked crestfallen from his position hiding behind Shinobu. "The greatest crime of them all: grand theft pastry!"
BD nodded slowly. "That was absolutely ridiculous. Thank you." He turned back toward the readers. "And now, the last question, and it's about bloody time! It's addressed to Supernova Ranma. Come on out!"
Black Dragon gestured off-stage. Nobody came.
He froze, and waited. Still, nobody came.
"Hey! Get up here!" BD shouted, a vein popping up on his head.
"Pst!" Inu-Yasha poked his head out. "Dude, what's wrong with you? The Supernova staff got laid off, remember?"
BD's eyes widened. "WHAT?!"
"Yeah. Months ago. Don't you remember? Ranma Yagami fired them all, and Snake converted their dressing rooms into ICBM launch chambers. They were just sitting around and stealing office supplies all the time, and it's not like you were going to use them for anything."
The author twitched slightly, and then grit his teeth. "Well, get Death off his bony ass and tell him to find them! I haven't discontinued that series, no matter how long it's been since I did an update on it!"
BD turned back toward the readers and chuckled nervously. "Heh heh! Well, it would appear that Supernova Ranma is a bit busy right now, so I guess I'll answer that question!"
"Let's see... 'How did you get a copy of 'Space Combat Maneuvers Stolen from Planet Jusenkyou'?'" BD stopped reading, and his eye twitched. "Now, with all due respect to Mr. Jose Garcia, just what are you on? It says right there in the title that it was stolen! And Ranma's a pirate! Do you think he just walked up to the fools and asked nicely?! Yeesh..." BD read on. "'And more importantly, is there an Amazon named Shampoo looking for him?'" BD snorted. "Space Amazons? Not if I want to finish that series before the sun burns out and all life on Earth is extinguished."
Black Dragon sighed and shook his head. "Well, despite my fans' diligence and devotion, I'm fairly certain I've managed to avoid providing any useful information. I now present Takahashi Soup, Chapter 5. Thank you for your patience. Assuming you don't hate me by now."



Takahashi Soup
by Black Dragon

Oh say can you seeeeeee, by the glare of my lamps, Takahaaaaashi's own works, are much better than CLAMP's!

Chapter 5
Rules of Engagement
**********************************************************************************

Ranma smiled as he stepped onto the bus, a gym bag slung over his shoulder, in a lighter mood than he had been in for weeks.
Behind him, Ataru grumbled miserably to himself. "I still can't believe you're so happy about this. A three day class camping trip! Three days without TV or the internet or Kasumi's cooking!"
"Three days of not being assaulted in the morning by Pops, not having to hear Mr. Tendo whine about your philandering, and not having to try and keep Lum away from school!" Ranma grinned. "This is gonna be excellent! It's been too long since we've been out in the wilds!" He took his seat, and Ataru sat down next to him, grimacing.
"Bah. If I never have to see a tent again, it'll be too soon." Ataru mumbled to himself.
Ranma simply whistled happily to himself, taking great satisfaction in his twin's discomfort.
"Oh, it won't be that bad, Ataru," Shinobu assured him, sitting down in the seat behind the twin Saotomes, "at least we can spend some time together without Lum coming around and butting in."
Ataru nodded reluctantly. "Yeah... I guess that'll be pretty nice."
"So it's true?" Daisuke asked, poking his head past an annoyed Shinobu. "She really won't be showing up?" There was obvious distress in his voice, which was mirrored by Hiroshi's facial expression.
"If there's a just and loving God, no," Ataru muttered.
Ranma shrugged. Lum would cause trouble, to be sure, but mostly trouble to Ataru. Since the incident of being caught in a three-on-one battle to locate the lecher a week ago, he had resolved to avoid Lum in every way possible, as often as possible. It was mostly working out. "Personally, I'm just glad that this trip is for the sophomore class only. Having Kuno there would be a disaster."
"Speaking of people that you're always beating up," Ataru said, "what did the vice principal want to talk to you about? I saw you talking with him a few minutes ago."
Ranma shrugged. "Oh, he's just helping me out with some physics experiments, that's all."
Ataru blinked. "What? You're not taking physics."
"It's more of a hobby," Ranma explained, getting curious stares from most of the surrounding students, "today he's helping out with a problem involving friction and initial."
"I think you mean 'inertia'," Yuka corrected him from the opposite side of the bus.
"Whatever."

As the listening students pondered the meaning of Ranma's explanation, Akane smirked to herself, taking a seat in the rear of the bus.
There was no way she was going to let Ataru get away with a whole three days without being hounded by Lum. Besides giving him greater opportunities to harass her and her classmates, the little pervert just didn't deserve it.
At first she hadn't bothered to interfere, assuming that Lum would catch wind of it herself, or at least be pointed in the right direction once she noticed her "husband" was gone.
Surprisingly, the young pervert had put serious effort into making sure Lum wouldn't manage to find the camp site they were going to. He had spoken to the entire Tendo family ahead of time (except her, and of course Nabiki, who was simply bribed) to get them to withhold the exact location of his whereabouts for the time being. Then, as a decoy, he had left a note telling Lum that he was at a campsite located in the opposite direction from where they were actually headed. If the alien princess questioned him about it afterward, Ataru could simply look over his directions and claim that he had simply mistaken east for west.
She had taken care of THAT quite easily, simply changing the note so that it provided the correct instructions.
Akane turned her head to the side, staring out the window at Furinkan as she descended into deep thought.

At the front of the bus, the homeroom teacher Onsen Mark began yelling instructions to the students.
"Once we arrive at the campgrounds, you're to split up into your assigned pairs and immediately set up camp! No fooling around until the tents are up!"
General grunts and murmurs of agreement were his response.
A rumbling noise filled the bus interior as the engine started, and the whole vehicle jumped slightly as the driver accelerated forward while pulling away from the curb.
It was only due to that bump that Akane caught the sight of a frantically waving arm out of the corner of her eye.
Turning completely around, her eyes widened as she looked down at the street.
"Hey! Driver! Wait! Stop!" Akane shouted from the rear of the vehicle. "Stop, quick! There's a man tied to the back of the bus!"
"Damn, they found him already," Ranma muttered under his breath.
__________________________________________________________________________________

The vice principal panted heavily as the bus finally left the school grounds, and looked over his torn, dirty suit.
"Th-That's it... no more... I've been keeping this... strictly personal... for too long..." He finally caught his breath, and stood up, gripping his hand into a fist. "No more! That Ranma Saotome is a menace of society! I'll leave it up to the professionals! When he gets back to Nerima, he'll be facing an entirely different kind of detention hall!"
Nodding sharply, the middle-aged man stood up and then turned around.
And came face-to-face with a teenage girl with long purple hair, wearing a very short, floral-pattern dress, staring at him critically.
The vice principal blinked, and then frowned. "Young lady, I'm not sure what you think the dress code is around here, exactly, but that outfit is hardly appropriate for the streets, much less school!"
Shampoo's eyes narrowed. "Not care what you think of clothes. You tell Shampoo where Ataru is?"
The VP twitched. "Well you're going to care, after I have a talk with your parents, Miss! You're coming to my office!"
The frustrated man grabbed the Chinese Amazon's hand, and then began to pull her toward his office.
With a flick of her wrist, Shampoo had reversed the grip on her hand, and took the man's larger hand in her own.
*Crack!* "GYAAAH!" The vice principal screamed in pain and fell to his knees as Shampoo squeezed so tight that she nearly shattered bone.
Shampoo tossed the weakling's injured arm to the side. *Shnk!* "You tell Shampoo where Ataru be, or Shampoo hurt too, too bad!"
The VP's eyes crossed as the point of an unusually large scimitar barely touched his nose. "He j-just left on a bus to a c-campground! Th-Th-That way!" He pointed his good hand in the direction the bus had gone.
Were he in any coherent state of mind, he would have offered a more useful answer, such as where the bus was heading, but through the pain-induced haze in his mind, the vague direction was all he could offer.
Which was fine, since it was the kind of simple instructions that Shampoo dealt best with. The young Amazon withdrew her sword and took off in running pursuit after the vehicle.

The vice principal grimaced in agony as he tenderly cradled his hand, which throbbed painfully with the slightest movement.
"Th-*Gasp*-That's it... no more... They warned me that dealing with teenagers was hard, but..." He slowly stood up, and limped away to his office. "That's it! I'm outta here! I quit! Done! Finished! Gone!"
As he reached the front of the school, the door opened, and Sakura nearly ran into the man. "What in-What happened to you? Are you all right?"
The vice principal jerked back, then shook his good fist at Sakura, causing her to step back in surprise. "I QUIT, do you hear me?! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!"
The school nurse gave the VP an odd stare as the middle-aged man stalked past her into the hallway.
"I resign! I'm through! Kaput! No more electric poles or siege engines or acid spills or battery jumps or psychotic, sadistic teenagers for me!!"
Sakura sweatdropped heavily as the man continued toward his office, still limping badly, eventually moving out of earshot.
She sighed. "Now what was all THAT about?"
"Most ominous."
"GYAH!" The nurse/shrine maiden yelped and jumped up, then glared down at her elderly uncle. "Don't DO that!"
The diminutive priest shook his head. "I sense yet another dark tide of misfortune approaching."
Sakura calmed herself and crossed her arms. "Is it those two kids again that you keep talking about?"
Cherry nodded sharply. "Yes. I fear that without my guidance, their misfortune will consume them, and perhaps even all around them. I must go."
Sakura nodded. "I suppose it's for the best." She began to turn away, then noticed that Cherry hadn't moved to leave. "Uh... by the way... why are you telling me this, exactly?" She asked as the thought occurred to her.
Cherry immediately stuck his hand out, palm up. "I need train fare."
Sakura's left eye twitched.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Ah, the great outdoors! Fresh air and hard exercise! It's good to be out in the woods again!" Ranma proclaimed proudly, standing in front of his tent with his fists planted on his hips.
The martial artist was then blasted by a dust cloud, as his twin brother sprinted by at inhuman speeds. "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!! HORNET ATTACK!!"
True to Ataru's word (sort of), a single small insect of some winged species buzzed around randomly in Ataru's wake, completely disoriented by the dust cloud.
Ranma stared at it for a moment, then turned toward where Ataru had run off to, cupping his hands around his mouth. "Ataru, get a grip! That's a honey bee!"
"STINGER EQUALS EVIL BUG OF DEATH!!" Ataru shouted from where he had ducked into some shrubbery. "KILL IT!!"
Ranma stared at the tiny insect, and then waved at it with his hand, causing the bee to zip away to safety.
"Suddenly it all comes back to me why I hate camping outdoors... I really should have insisted on a different partner."
Walking past the Saotomes' tent, Shinobu frowned and yelled to her boyfriend. "Ataru, be careful! There are ants crawling around all over those shrubs!"
"OH, DEAR MOTHER OF GOD!!" Another dust cloud billowed up in Ranma's face as his brother shot past in the opposite direction, toward the river adjacent to the camp site.
"GETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFF!!" *Splash!*
Shinobu coughed and waved a hand in front of her face to disperse the dust. Ranma stared straight ahead, facing away from his tent, and his eyebrow began to twitch.
*Whoosh!* A blue and white streak shot past Ranma into the tent a moment later, leaving a trail of water droplets that sprayed everything near its path.
Hiroshi, who had been distracted from putting up his own tent that he was to share with Daisuke, scratched his head in confusion. "Was it just me, or... did Ataru's hair look... blue, just now?"
"It was you," Daisuke grunted, trying to put the poles together, "now would you get back to helping me with this?"
Still standing in the same position he was in before, a sweatdrop rolled down Ranma's head.
*Sssss* Some steam poured out from between the tent flaps, and a sigh of relief came from within the nylon shelter.
Shinobu kneeled down in front of it worriedly. "Ataru? Are you okay?"
The lecher's head emerged, looking weary, but fairly relieved. "Yeah, I'll live." He looked up at his brother's back. "Good call on getting the kettle ready so quickly, by the way."
A vein popped up on Ranma's head, and he turned around, gripping one hand into a shaking fist. "Ataru... within nine minutes of us arriving here, you have managed to completely ruin this entire trip for me..."
Ataru blinked, and stared at his brother, who was glaring down at him and gritting his teeth.
"So, what, does that mean we can go home?"
*Whomp!* The third dust cloud of the day burst upward as Ranma stomped on Ataru's head with his foot, smashing his brother into the ground.
Still fuming, the martial artist turned away and began to leave. "I'm gonna go find some trees and turn them into firewood."
Shinobu sweatdropped, staring down at Ataru's struggling body. "Uh... okay... the axe is by the cooler."
Ranma continued walking into the woods, cracking his knuckles. "I won't be needing it."

Shinobu shook her head as Ranma walked away into the woods, and then looked down at Ataru, whose head was still embedded in the ground. "Your brother is scary sometimes..."
Ataru pulled his head out of the dirt and then started scrubbing his hair with his hands. "Eh, once you get to know him, Ranma's not all that scary." He began to smack the side of his head, dislodging dirt stuck in his ears. "He acts like a badass all the time, but on the inside he's all heart."
Shinobu cocked her head to one side, then nodded slightly. She supposed she could see what Ataru was talking about, though of all people, it seemed odd to hear it come from Ataru right after he was pummeled.
Ataru dusted himself off. "But enough about him. Shinobu..."
Shinobu blushed as her boyfriend took her hands in his own. "Y-Yes?"
Ataru sighed softly, gazing deeply. "Ranma's going to be sleeping out under the stars, so I'll have the tent all to myself. That is, unless you want to-"
*Klonk!* Shinobu's eye twitched as she smacked him over the head with the empty kettle. "Would you just stop?"
__________________________________________________________________________________

Ataru shuddered and scooted closer to fire, attempting to find the critical point between unbearable heat and unbearable cold while he did his best to cook the treats impaled on his stick without burning them.
Next to him, Shinobu pulled in her own stick and took off the marshmallows, casting a glance at Ataru's stick, which held chocolate chip cookies rather than sugar puffs. 'What is it with those boys and cookies?'
Ranma, for his part, had forgone the fire entirely, and was lounging atop a tree branch, one leg hanging down easily, while staring up at the sky.
The pigtailed boy blinked. "Hey! It's a shooting star!"
The various students looked up, brightening.
"Whoa! That's a heck of a comet!" Hiroshi said, surprised by how bright it was.
"Quick! Everybody make a wish!" Sayuri said, clasping her hands together and closing her eyes.

'Please cure Ataru of his excessive lust,' Shinobu prayed.
'Gimme babes! Lots and lots of babes!' Ataru begged the star, drooling slightly.
'Please give us more significant roles in the future,' Daisuke and Hiroshi wished, 'or at least some decent one-liners.'
'Please give Nabiki a chance to get a good shot of Ranma in the shower soon; I paid for that picture in advance,' Yuka hoped.
'Please let Akane find peace, or at least the inner strength to deal with her current trials at home,' Sayuri thoughtfully asked for her friend.
'Please let the entire Saotome family die soon in some unimaginably painful fashion,' Akane wished, smiling brightly.
'Please let those be Ataru's cookies that he's wolfing down,' Ranma hoped, peeking one eye open to stare longingly at the crisped and heated pastries.
Because the martial artist still had one eye open, he was the first to notice that the shooting star was actually getting brighter, and had stopped moving across the starscape. "What the heck?"
The other campers opened their eyes to see what was wrong.
"You sure that's a shooting star, Saotome?" Hiroshi asked doubtfully.
"Oh! I might have time for another wish!" Yuka said happily.
Ranma was silent, though he made sure to get a better hold on his tree branch.
Hiroshi's eye twitched. "I dunno... it's still getting brighter..." His eyes widened. "Oh my God! I think it's coming this way!"
Daisuke gulped. "Houston, we have a problem."
The two teenage boys turned to stare at each other. Then they high-fived each other.
"All right!" "Yes!"
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!*

Ataru got up unsteadily as the ground finished shaking, and all around him his classmates began to get back to their feet.
"I... I don't believe it," Akane mumbled, "a real meteorite..."
"Oh, how cool!" another girl exclaimed.
"Hey, let's go see if we can find where it landed!" Daisuke said, grabbing the end of a blazing log and holding it up like a torch.
"Wait! Check my face! Is it burned? Am I hurt?" Onsen Mark gasped as his students ran past him.
Ranma rolled his eyes and jumped down before lighting tapping his teacher in the side with his foot. "Would you get up, you dope? You're fine."
Ataru took Shinobu's hand and began to run after his fellow classmates. "Hey! What if the meteorite carried some aliens on it or something?"
Within moments, Ranma had caught up to the pair, and was shaking his head. "With our luck, it probably will."
A voice from far ahead penetrated the night air. "Hey! It's Lum!"
Ataru, Shinobu, and Ranma all screeched to a halt, horrified expressions on their faces.
"What?! But how?!" Ataru shouted, backing away.
Ranma snorted. "I'd guess you either jinxed us by mentioning aliens, or you messed up the note and gave her correct directions."
"Don't accuse me of screwing up the note!" Ataru yelled, pointing at his brother. "It was your stupid idea in the first place!"
Ranma glared at him. "Oh, like you had any better ideas? Shut up!"
Shinobu sweatdropped, and stepped between the twins, wringing her hands. "Hey, hey! Let's calm down! It's just Lum, right? Nothing too serious! At least we don't have any new aliens to deal with!"
The voice from the impact site returned. "Hey! There's some kind of crow man lying here, too!
*Crash!* "God damn it!" Ranma cursed as Ataru and Shinobu facefaulted behind him.

"Man, what a freaky lookin' thing," Hiroshi commented as he stared down at the tiny creature that had fallen down next to the alien princess. It looked like a crow, but had a pair of arms in addition to wings, and was wearing monk's robes.
Daisuke drooled a bit as he held his hand for Lum to hold. "Hey, I guess all aliens can't be beautiful. Need a hand?"
Lum held her head dizzily, then shot up as Ranma approached with Ataru and Shinobu in tow.
"Darling! You are here! I was so scared!" She said, relieved.
Ataru grimaced. "Uh... yeah... hi." Then he frowned. "So, was that meteor actually your space ship?"
The alien shook her head. "No, but I was flying around in the trees, trying to find you, and it surprised me!"
Ranma picked up the crow by the back of its jacket. "Then I guess we'll be asking this guy once he comes to."
Ataru nodded and pulled a canned beverage out from his own jacket. "Here, let me see 'im. This'll get him up."
The young lecher popped open the can and began pouring the beverage down the crow man's beak, and was still at it when Onsen Mark caught up with his students.
The educator immediately scowled and pointed at the can Ataru was holding. "Hey! This is a school trip! No alcoholic beverages!"
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "We have aliens falling from the sky, and you're complaining about beer?"
"Hey! I think he's coming to!" Ataru shouted, setting the drink aside as the crow man began to stir.
The tiny alien shook his feathered head, and was overcome with a sense of dizziness that he immediately attributed to hitting something while flying escort on the mother ship.
Looking up slowly, his eyes widened as he got a look at the young man stooped over him. "Whoa! *Hic!* What a looker! You are *Hic!* IT!"
Ataru blinked. "Huh? What are you talking about?"
The entire class watched closely in curiosity and confusion as the crow man took out a tiny walkie-talkie. "Okay, reel me *Hic!* in! P-Prin-*Hic!* Princess K will get her man!"
*VWOOSH!* A sudden vacuum of air formed around Ataru and the tiny alien, and the young lecher shouted in surprise as he was sucked up into the sky.
Ranma shielded his face as the wind storm settled, then stared into the sky, his eye twitching, as Ataru's form was swallowed by the shadows of the forest.
"Why? Why does this always happen?" He muttered miserably, clenching his hands into fists.
"Darling!" Lum cried, taking off into the sky. "Come back dar-WAH!!" Lum cried out suddenly as she was intercepted in mid-air.
"Oh no you don't!" Ranma shouted, grabbing the alien around the waist and pulling her down to the ground. "You'll just screw things up even more!" *Zip* *Zip* *Zip* Ranma's arms became a blur, and the two teenagers' forms were momentarily obscured in a whirlwind of motion. "Shisou Ninjitsu special incapacitation technique! Surprise binding!"
Before Lum could gather her wits enough to electrocute him, she found herself effectively bound in rope at the ankles, legs, shoulders, and wrists, and was dropped onto the ground as Ranma took to the trees.
"HEY!! YOU STOP RIGHT THERE AND UNTIE ME!!"
Ranma snorted. "You stay where you are and stay out of trouble. I'll take care of this." He moved his head slightly to look over the other students. "Nobody unties her until I get back!" With that declaration, Ranma turned away and leapt further into the forest, disappearing from view within moments.
Back on the forest floor, Lum grit her teeth as she struggled fiercely with her ropes, to no avail.
'How did he tie them so well so quickly? Where did he even GET rope so quickly?' Seeing no answer forthcoming, she began to yell at the teenagers surrounding her. "Hey! Stop gawking and get me loose!"
Hiroshi made to approach, then gulped and hesitated. "I dunno... should we?" He mumbled.
Daisuke sweatdropped as he watched Lum snarl and writhe while cursing, throwing out a loud electric shock at random, seemingly from sheer frustration. "I'm thinking no. Besides having to deal with Ranma when he gets back... Lum's not exactly making herself very approachable right now."
Next to him, Shinobu nodded decisively. "He's right, anyway. Lum couldn't possibly do anything except make matters worse."
There was general mumbling of agreement and weak protest at that.
Then a single student walked forward from the circle of teenagers, surprising everyone.
Akane smiled slightly. "Calm down, Lum. I'll help you."
Lum stopped thrashing so much, and grit her teeth. "That jerk! When I get a hold of him I'm going to fry him to charcoal!"
Akane's smile grew, and she began to untie the ropes despite Shinobu's protests behind her. "Oh, I'm sure you will."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Wh-Where are you taking me?!" Ataru shouted, riding along on the vacuum with the crow man carrying him by the back of his shirt. He wasn't sure how much of his weight the bird/alien was actually carrying himself, but frankly, he was glad for any more reassurance that he wouldn't end up making the sixty-foot fall to the forest floor.
"*Hic!* I'm just taking you *Hic!* to our mother ship! Our prin-*Hic!*-princess needs a one-night bridegroom, if you *Hic!* know what I mean!"
Ataru grimaced. "Isn't that a job for a crow MAN?" He didn't relish the idea of being forced to mate with a female version of the thing currently carrying him.
The alien chuckled as the space ship came into view. "Our planet's a bit *Hic!* bare in the humanoid department, kiddo! Thought we'd give Earth a whirl!" The ship looked like a giant conch shell, with a single circular port on the rear end.
Ataru groaned as he was sucked into the port by the strange air vacuum. 'Crow woman. Ugh.'

*Thud* The other inhabitants of the space ship turned in surprise as their new guest was dropped heavily on the floor.
One crow man, sitting atop a huge engine that generated the vacuum, frowned as he looked at the young man. "Hey, what's up? This is the best you could do?"
The crow that had transported Ataru looked indignant. "What're ya *Hic!* talkin' bout? He's f-*Hic!*-fine!"
The other aliens stared at Ataru.
Ataru stared at the ship. Besides the normal array of high-tech-looking machines that he couldn't begin to guess the function of, there were numerous posters taped up on several walls and supports that had "Babies! Think babies!" printed on it. He shuddered.
"Well... I don't know. The princess likes handsome men," an older crow man with a long white beard said.
"Still, we're sort of pressed for time," another alien reasoned.
"And since he's been forced on us..."
Ataru could hear their mumblings, and immediately scrambled for the exit. "I'm leaving! Find some other stud!"
"Hey!" The bearded crow yelled. "Stop him!"
Glancing behind him, Ataru immediately noticed the crow man atop the engine-looking thing flip the switch on the side. "Oh, no you don't!"
*WOOSH!* With a level of grace that one would never expect from the terminally incompetent boy, Ataru jumped up and clung to the ceiling of the spacecraft, managing handholds where there were none.
"Ha! How do ya like that?!" Ataru shouted, grinning.
The aliens blinked in surprise, and the bearded crow slowly nodded. "Good agility, if nothing else... maybe this one is of decent stock after all, despite his looks."
"Hey, *Hic!* what'd I tell ya?"
Ataru snorted. "Stock, shmock! I am SO outta......" the young lecher trailed off as he noticed something in the rear of the room from his new vantage point of the ship interior. A large metal cell, just larger than a typical person's body was connected to several wire outputs. The top of the cell was glass, and through it Ataru could just barely make out a figure...
"Hey, there's something with breasts in there!" He said in shock, jumping down from the ceiling and zipping up to the cell with even greater skill and speed than he had just displayed.
"Oh... my... GOD..." Ataru twitched, and a bit of drool leaked from the corner of his mouth.
Lying in the cell was a striking young woman, wearing a black leather approximation of a one-piece swimsuit that seemed to deliberately display her excellently endowed chest in the best possible manner. In fact, the only indication that she was anything but human was that the hair on the sides of her head formed two remotely crow-like wing shapes.
Ataru immediately turned around and grabbed the nearest crow man around the neck. "YOU!! I accept the whole bridegroom thing! Open the coffin! OPEN IT!!"
The other aliens jerked back, startled by the sudden change in attitude. The bearded one in particular began to think that it wasn't such a good idea. "N-Now hold on! We need to think about this!"
Ataru wasn't listening at that point, instead drooling quite openly over the glass shield keeping him from the interior of the coffin. 'Oh, thank you shooting star! Thank you!'
The bearded crow shook his head. "No, I don't think so. This one will not do after all." Then he noticed that the alien who had chosen the mate was stumbling toward the sleeping pod controls. "Hey! Stop! You fool!"
"Aw, whadda you know? *Hic!* Ish my job to *Hic!* choose 'em, right?" He reached the panel under the sleeping pod, and reached for the deactivation switch. "You want it *Hic!* open? Fine!" His hand jabbed for the device.
*WAAAAAM!!* And missed, as the entire ship shook violently just long enough to throw the alien completely off-balance.
*Whang!* That same crow man ended up banging his head on the solid metal next to the controls, and the sleeping chamber remained stable in its function as the shaking quickly stopped.

"What... What was that?" The bearded crow asked.
A different alien dashed toward a display. "Something struck the infrastructure of the ship!" He explained. Then his eyes widened. "INTRUDER!! Somebody's penetrated the outer hull and is making their way through the ship interior!"
"What? Now?" The old alien groused. "What a time to be under attack!"
Ataru finally turned around, having missed both the sudden vibrations and the recent exchange between the aliens. "Hey, what's the holdup? Open this thing, already!" He banged on the glass for emphasis, which caused all the crow men to wince and glare at him.
The bearded crow man shook his head. "No. You simply will not do. We'll find someone else, but right now we have an emergency! Now go!"
"What?! Go?!" Ataru shouted, staring down at the tiny creature. "After you guys dragged me here, now you're just going to toss me away?!"
*WHAM!!* A second violent vibration shook the craft, and Ataru nearly stumbled over.
*Wang!* *Wham!* *Slam!* Directly in his line of sight, the lecher's eyes widened as several bulging dents began to appear in a nearby door.
"THE INTRUDER!! IT'S MADE IT HERE ALREADY!!" The technician crow cried out, waving his arms in panic.
Ataru blinked. "On second thought... okay. Leaving sounds good right about now."
*KAPOW!!* Everybody flinched back as the reinforced door burst from its frame, and Ataru considered breaking the sleeping cell open so that he could escape with the princess, and hopefully be rewarded for his bravery.
Of course, once he saw who the "intruder" was, he didn't have much reason to flee.
"Stupid rassafrassin space-age metals," Ranma muttered irritably, massaging his fist. He immediately spotted Ataru, who waved at him. "There you are. Come on. We're leaving."
Ataru chuckled weakly as all the aliens present slowly turned to look at him. "Actually, it turns out things are cool! You can go back to the camp! I'll be back tomorrow morning!"
Ranma raised an eyebrow, and his expression turned skeptical. "Okay, now I KNOW something's up." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not leaving without an explanation. A GOOD one."
As Ataru began to stutter out some diversionary assurances, the bearded crow man looked Ranma up and down.
'Hmmm... a more visible musculature, broad chest, flat stomach, chiseled features... yes, this one fits Princess Kurama's preferences perfectly!'
The crow stepped forward, arms clasped behind his back in what he hoped was a diplomatic manner. "Pardon me, sir..."
Ranma turned away from Ataru and looked down, his expression perfectly neutral. "What do you want? If it's about your ship, I'm not paying for the damage."
The bearded alien sweatdropped. "Ah. Yes. About that... why, exactly, did you do all that?"
Ranma jerked his head over toward Ataru. "I'm here for my brother. You guys abducted him, so you're responsible for the damage done to your ship in the rescue." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small pamphlet. "Says so right here. See?"
The crow man sweatdropped as he took the small brochure, which was titled [So You're Going to Invade Earth! Rules and tips for abductions, sieging, various probing and more!]
"Ah... yes. I see. Very well. That wasn't what I was actually concerned about, anyway." He put the pamphlet away in his tiny jacket; it would probably come in handy later.
Then he pointed toward the sleeping capsule. "In this capsule is our princess, the only female of our race. She is the only one capable of continuing our species, lest we die out completely in a mere century."
Ranma nodded slowly, and craned his neck slightly to peek inside the coffin. "Huh. She's not much like the rest of you, eh?"
The old crow shook his head. "No, she's not. Because of our princess' unique biology, she requires a humanoid mate in order to give birth to our kind. All that is required is that a single night of mating take place between the chosen male and the princess, and it will allow our species a whole other generation of offspring."
Suddenly, Ataru stepped forward, smacking a fist into his chest, his expression utterly serious. "Yes! And they've chosen me!"
Ranma's eyes widened, though with his eyes on his brother, he didn't notice the old alien try and contradict him. "You? YOU'RE the mate?"
Ataru nodded seriously, gripping one hand into a fist and holding it up before him. "Can't you see? I can't stand by and reject these poor people when their species is in danger of extinction! I must accept my chosen role and do my duty! Not merely as a man, but as a sympathetic, civilized human being!"
The crow men all sweatdropped, and turned to look at Ranma, who was staring at Ataru expressionlessly.
".................." Eventually, Ranma sighed, and then shrugged. "I can think of lots of reasons why you shouldn't do this... but none of them are good enough to actually bother trying to stop you. So just this once, I'm going to pretend I believe all that bull you just handed me."
"YES!!" Ataru cheered and pumped his arm up and down in the air as Ranma turned around to leave.
"But-But wait!" The bearded crow yelled, grabbing onto Ranma's pant leg. "No! It's YOU we want as the mate!"
"Grk!" Ranma jerked to a stop, and then whirled around. "What?"
"WHAT?!" Ataru shook his head fiercely. "No! I saw her first! She's mine, you hear me? MINE!!"
The old one shook his head in disgust. "Such a primitive, lust-ridden mind is unsuitable for Princess Kurama's mate. In addition, your brother lacks the... physical quality that our princess desires."
"Hey! You got something to say to me?!" Ataru challenged, glaring down at the crow man's back.
Ranma snorted and turned away again. "Bah. Forget it."
"Wh-What? But why?!" The crow man asked in distress.
Ranma rolled his eyes. "If you HAVE to have a reason, I'm not the type of guy to just get with a girl for a night and then leave. Since that's the type of 'mate' you're looking for, Ataru's perfect."
"But... But..." The old crow stuttered, and then gulped. He hadn't considered the possibility of the mate providing such stiff resistance. And given the level of damage he had done to the ship, it probably wasn't feasible to force him, either.
Then the alien's eyebrow rose. 'There may be another way...'
As Ranma once again turned away, the bearded crow man quickly zipped in front of him. "Wait! Before you leave, I ask that you take a close look at our princess! You may reconsider!"
"Hey, what am I, chopped liver?!" Ataru complained. Everybody ignored him.
Ranma simply turned away. "Give it a REST. I 'aint that shallow."
"Yes, yes, of course!" The alien said quickly, bigsweating. "But I beg of you! One close look! If you don't change your mind, I swear that you can leave without further complaint or hindrance!"
"Or for the love of..." Ranma mumbled and he massaged his forehead. Finally, he sighed and walked toward the cell, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "FINE. One look, and then I'm outta here."
"One CLOSE look," the aged crow reminded him, winking at another alien next to the base of the chamber.
Ataru snorted in annoyance, but waited patiently as Ranma stepped up to the cell. He knew Ranma was now more than ever set against the aliens, so there was no reason to protest even further. With how stubborn Ranma could be, he'd refuse even if he suddenly decided he WANTED to sleep with the girl.
Ranma stared flatly at the exotic face under the glass. "Not bad. Still not sleeping with her, though."
"Please! A little closer!"
Gritting his teeth, Ranma put both hands on the edge of the sleeping chambers and leaned in close, so that his nose was almost touching the glass. "THERE. That close enough for ya?"
"Yes... that's perfect."
Ataru's eyes widened in alarm as he saw another crow man hit the switch on the side of the chamber.
*Woosh* Ranma blinked as the glass suddenly slid away in front of him, and he almost cried out in surprise as his head was shoved forward from behind. *Bwack!*
The bearded crow grinned as he stood up on the back of Ranma's head. "Yes! Success!" Then his perch twitched in agitation.
*Bok!* *Whack!* *Pow!* Ranma finished pummeling the tiny alien (using only minimal force so as not to kill it), and then grabbed it around the neck.
"What the hell was that all about?!" Ranma demanded, not noticing Ataru zip behind him and duck into the coffin.
*Smooch!* "Oh yeah! You're all mine, baby!"
Ranma's eyes narrowed, ignoring the events occurring behind him. "Well? What's the deal?" In his anger, he didn't quite realize that he was cutting his prisoner off from much-needed oxygen.
*Slap!* "Unhand me at once!"
Ranma blinked, suddenly distracted from his interrogation.

Princess Kurama grimaced in disgust as she stared at the young man leering down at her, grinning despite the red hand print on his cheek.
Gritting her teeth, she immediately grabbed the back of the boy's head and slammed it into the edge of the sleep pod. "Old one! Where are you?!"
Ranma frowned, and then turned around, holding out the nearly-suffocated crow man. "This him?"
"Yes, thank you," Kurama hastily confirmed, then snatched the elderly alien from the martial artist's hand. "What is this... this human WOLF doing here?! I told you to... find...... me........." Very slowly, she turned her head back around toward the teenager that had been choking her retainer a moment before.
Ranma stared back. "What?" He asked, confused.
Kurama mutely stared at his face, then slowly lowered her gaze downward, before moving upward again. Then her tongue darted out and slid over her upper lip in such a way that Ranma felt a slight shudder pass through him.
The moment was ruined, however, when Ataru jumped up between the pair. "Princess! It's me! Your mate! I'm all ready to-Gugh!" His elated shout was cut short as the crow princess stood up and shoved her boot in the young lecher's face.
Scowling, the princess turned and glared at her elder retainer, who she gripped in her hand with only slightly less force than Ranma had. "What is the meaning of this?! Why was it this miserable specimen," she ground her foot a bit further into Ataru's face for emphasis, "the one to wake me, rather than this other one?!"
"B-But Princess!" The elder protested, "He was the one to wake you! He kissed you but a moment before this other one did!"
Ranma jerked back as Kurama turned to stare at him hopefully. "The hell I did! You just bashed my face into hers! That wasn't no kiss!"
"YES!! I score on the technicality!" Ataru cheered, prying his face off of Kurama's boot.
Kurama frowned. "I see... that would also explain why my nose is somewhat sore."
"Are you certain?" The bearded alien pressed. "At no point did your lips touch hers?"
"Did my lips touch-" Ranma repeated, backing up uncertainly. After a moment, he scowled. "How the hell should I know?! You just shoved my face down! I didn't bother to note what touched what! Why does that even matter?!"
"Old one!" Kurama growled, "How dare you make a mockery of this most critical procedure! I will not stand to have just any man be my mate!"
"Hello? Over here? Remember me? I'M the mate!" Ataru shouted, getting irritated at being ignored yet again. "And believe me, I'm not just anybody!"
"You're worse!" Ranma shouted, taking a moment away from his indignant defense to berate his twin. "The average guy wouldn't go and lock lips with any girl who's just lying around unconscious!"
"Hey, stop complaining!" Ataru yelled back, "You already said you didn't want to go through with this, so just be glad I was here to cover for you!"
"And just why would you reject the mating ritual?" Kurama asked Ranma heatedly. "Is my body somehow inadequate?!"
"Oh, don't you even start!"

The elder crow man bigsweated badly as the three humanoids began to argue more and more chaotically. All around him, the other aliens poked their heads out from behind machines and scrap litter, hiding from the conflict.
Finally the old alien found the courage to interrupt. "PLEASE, EVERYONE JUST CALM DOWN!!"
Then he gulped as three furious glares turned and bored into him. "WHAT?!?!"
Trembling slightly, the bearded crow forced himself to calm down. "Please, allow me to explain the current circumstances! We'll get nowhere with all this arguing!"
Ranma, Ataru, and Kurama all hesitated, then slowly nodded.
The old one sighed. "Okay then. On our world it is written that whomever gives our princess the awakening kiss must be the one to mate with her. However, we now have an unprecedented case, in which we're not sure if the first supposed 'kiss' actually happened. Obviously, the second kiss we can be sure of, but if the first landed correctly, then the second is meaningless. Unfortunately, the two incidents happened too quickly to determine off-hand which one actually awoke the princess."
Ranma twitched. "I don't see why it matters, since you forced me to make my 'kiss' anyway!"
"Your protests solve nothing," Kurama gently insisted, "let him finish."
'Damn it!' Ataru thought, gripping his hands into fists. 'Why does Ranma always end up getting in my way, even when he doesn't want to?! It's not fair!'
The elder crow pointed to a computer screen. "Luckily, we can solve the problem of which contact awoke the princess quite easily. The sleeping chamber's life support readouts are fed through the same computer that monitors the security system."
The bearded crow gestured sharply, and a different alien nervously hurried to the control station, whereupon he began inputting commands into the ship computer.
"We can simply run the security monitor footage alongside the life support data, and determine the precise moment when the princess regained consciousness!"
"Great," Ataru mumbled, frowning, "and THEN what?"
"One thing at a time, Ataru," Ranma muttered, his arms crossed over his chest. 'Man, it really figures. What else could go wrong tonight?' Then his eyes widened as his danger senses alerted him to a form of energy that was becoming quite familiar to him. "Not again! Not now!"
"Huh? OOF!" Kurama and Ataru began to turn toward the martial artist to see what had startled him, when they were both suddenly tackled to the ground just in time to avoid a thick ribbon of electricity.
*GA-ZAAAAK!!* *Bzzzt!* *Bzzzt!* The crow aliens' eyes widened as the bolt struck the computer, causing the screen to go fuzzy as arcs of power curled around the monitor and seeped into the sensitive components it was attached to.
"The computer! No!"
"It's gonna blow!"
"Get down!"
*KA-BLAM!!* A small fireball burst from the entire wall of components, and Ranma grimaced as he felt shards of glass fall all over his back.
"Raaaaanma..." A dangerous growl came from the rear of the ship, and the martial artist's eyebrow twitched.
Gritting his teeth, the pigtailed boy got up and turned around. "Don't 'Ranma' me! I told you to stay at the camp site, you idiot!"
Lum grit her own teeth, baring her fangs. "You tied me up and dumped me on the ground while darling was in danger somewhere! You think I'll forgive you for that?!"
"I don't give a damn whether you-" he stopped shouting suddenly as he felt someone grab his arm.
Looking back, he saw Kurama staring at him almost tearfully, and he blinked in surprise.
"You... You saved my life..."
Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh... look, not now, okay? I'm kind of in the middle of something."
Lum's eyes narrowed as she stared at the woman holding onto Ranma, and then dismissed her, not caring if the stranger had something to do with her love's twin brother.
Spotting her darling trying to hide behind some kind of big engine, Lum was about to go check the boy for injuries, when she noticed a bearded crow man sobbing in front of the fried displays.
"The computer! No! All the data's been destroyed! Now we'll never know who's kiss woke the princess!"
Lum blinked, and she focused more intently on the elder alien. "What?"
The elder turned toward Lum angrily, not noticing Ataru's shushing gestures from behind the vacuum generator. "You've destroyed the computer! We were going to determine whether the pigtailed boy kissed our princess!"
Lum suddenly relaxed. "Oh. You mean only he kissed her, then." She pointed at Ranma, who began making shushing gestures at the older crow as well.
Unfortunately, the distraught alien still didn't notice. "No, the other one kissed our princess! We're just not sure if this one technically kissed her as well! And thanks to you, we'll never find out!"
*Crackle!* Unfortunately for most concerned, Lum didn't really care how far Ranma had gone with the alien vixen. "Daaaaaaaarling..."
"Oh hell," Ataru muttered fearfully, pressing his back flat against the far wall of the ship away from his 'wife'.
"Stop this at once!"
Lum angrily turned to see who was attempting to interfere with her vengeance, and growled as Princess Kurama stepped in front of Ranma.
"Who are you that you dare to so brazenly attack me in my own ship?" Kurama demanded, holding what looked like a giant maple leaf in front of her that Ranma was just sure was some kind of nutty weapon.
"I'm darling's wife!" Lum shouted, pointing at Ataru, who smiled nervously.
Kurama snorted. "Oh. So you're here for the other one. Well, I don't care if that fool IS your spouse, you won't get away with attacking me and my mate!"
"Hey! I am NOT your mate!" Ranma yelled defensively, to absolutely no effect.
Lum snarled. "Don't call my darling a fool! And you'd better get out of the way, because your 'mate' has some divine retribution coming!"
Kurama calmly held her oversized leaf to one side. "You will NOT harm him. If you bring this to blows, I guarantee you'll regret it."
The oni princess bared her fangs again. "Ha! I'll take you on!"
The crow princess scowled. "Very well then! Prepare yourself for a humiliating defeat, demon!"
Just as the two women were about to launch their respective attacks, a single crow man flew up to hover between the two. "Uh, pardon me?"
Both aliens jerked to a stop, and they regarded the interrupting creature curiously.
"What is it? Can't you see I'm busy?" Kurama demanded.
"Well, it's just that," the crow man twiddled his fingers nervously, "aren't you fighting over those two boys?"
Both women stopped to think about that.
Lum frowned. "Well... sort of..."
Kurama slowly nodded. "In an abstract sort of way. So?"
"It's just that... uh... they just snuck out," the alien supplied helpfully, pointing toward the doorway that Ranma had forced open earlier.
The princesses stared mutely at the exit, noting that, indeed, their respective love interests were nowhere to be found. "........................ DAMN IT ALL!!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Ngh... so... so close... so very... close..." Ataru mumbled and turned over in his sleeping bag, grimacing in his sleep.
"Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... Snrk!" Very suddenly, his eyes popped open, and he sniffed the air.
"Hmmm... ah! Breakfast's cooking!" The young lecher sat up and cracked his neck to each side, and then sighed as he spent a moment contemplating the previous night. "Damn. So, so close. Just a few minutes more, and my days of virginity would be over!"
"A few MINUTES?!" Ranma mumbled into his pillow.
Ataru blinked in surprise, not expecting Ranma to still be in the tent with him. Hell, the pigtailed boy normally wouldn't have been in the tent at all, except that after the previous night, Ranma had deemed it unwise to sleep out in the open where Lum could find him unconscious before she had a chance to calm down. "Uh... well... yeah. I mean, all she needs is the juice, right? No need to drag things out. Win-win, you know?" Ignoring his brother's disgusted grunt, he scratched his head in confusion. Ranma always got up before Ataru to begin his exercises before Genma could wake him. "So, what are you still doing in bed? Decided to skip the training while you're here?"
Ranma's sleeping bag twitched, and the martial artist slowly pushed himself up. "I'm still in bed because SOMEBODY was mumbling 'close, so close!' and tossing and turning ALL BLOODY NIGHT."
Ataru rolled his eyes. "Get a grip. It was only for that first hour or so."
"And then some more in your sleep!" Ranma yelled, shaking in frustration as he sat up fully.
Ataru bigsweated and retreated slightly. "Okay! Okay! Sorry! My bad!" Then he stopped to think about what he had been told. "So, I was actually doing that all night?"
"No," Ranma answered miserably, "just for a little while. Then you started doing something ELSE that I'm desperately trying to forget." Turning away, Ranma crawled out of his sleeping bag and began to change clothes.
Ataru sweatdropped and started to get dressed himself. "Well, in all fairness, things would have worked out just fine last night if you hadn't shown up."
"MIGHT have," Ranma corrected him, buttoning the ties on his shirt, "and that's assuming I could have kept Lum busy for long enough."
Ataru nodded somberly and patted his brother on the back. "That's okay, bro. You tried. For me. That's the important thing. That's what brotherhood is all about."
"I hate you."
"I know," Ataru admitted, "but you do this stuff anyway, 'cause that's the kind of man you are!"
"The gullible idiot kind?" Ranma asked, putting on his slippers.
Ataru stopped to think about it as he got on his own shoes. "Well, yeah, but throw 'loyal' and 'selfless' in there too."
Gritting his teeth, Ranma pushed open the flap the of the tent and stepped outside, Ataru just a step behind him.
"Well, it's about time you two woke up."
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" Both Saotomes immediately recoiled in horror, clutching each other, before tripping on their own tent and falling down in a heap of limps and poles.
Cherry blinked. "Now what's the matter?"
"F-First thing to see... the moment I get outside..." A lone tear fell down Ranma's cheek as he stood up slowly. "And this day can only get worse..."
Ataru scrambled to his feet. "What the hell are YOU doing here?! Leaving you behind was looking to be the only good thing about this whole stupid trip!"
Cherry snorted, and placed his palms together under his chin. "Despite your protests, I've come to help you unfortunate wretches in this hour of great need."
*Wham!* Cherry's unpleasant face met the ground at a speed that none could deem healthy.
"Watch who you're calling a 'wretch', you old slimeball!" Ranma growled, pulling his foot out of the ground.
Cherry immediately sat up. "I beg your forgiveness, then. So! Shall we get started?"
Ataru frowned. "Started on what?"
"Everybody else has eaten already," the monk explained, "so you two are the last to make your breakfast."
Ranma's eye twitched. "And I suppose you think we're going to make some for you, too."
Cherry nodded seriously. "Well, I DID come all this way to see you through this trial. It's the least you could do."
Ranma twitched again, but smiled despite. "Oh, but you know me! Always going that extra mile!" Then he began to roll up his sleeve in preparation for more violence.
"Oh, save it, would you?" Ataru grumbled, rooting through the camping gear. "It's too early for this." He took out a pan, and a large, cylindrical can. Then the lecher turned toward Cherry. "If I make you extra portions, will you go away and not come back?"
Cherry blinked. "Leave? But I-"
"YES or NO?" Ranma interrupted harshly.
The elderly priest frowned, then shrugged. "I suppose I will, if that's really your wish."
"Excellent!" Ataru cheered, suddenly in a much better mood.

Dragging the equipment over to the fire pit, the young man spotted a familiar face eating scrambled eggs alongside some of the other students. "Hey Lum! See you found your way back!"
"Darling!" Lum cheered, spotting him after he called her name. "You're okay!"
"Despite your best efforts, yes, we both got through that mess in pretty good shape," Ranma said bitterly, reaching the pit and setting up some firewood.
Lum scowled as she floated next to her husband, but what interrupted before she could bring things to violence.
Ataru nodded somberly as he placed the food next to the pan. "Now Lum, Ranma was just trying to do what he thought was best at the time."
Shinobu, who was eating across the field from Lum, glared at bit at Akane before she interrupted the conversation. "He knew you would just screw things up even more."
Lum snorted and turned away. "And did I?"
"YES!!" Both Saotomes shouted.
Frowning, Shinobu finished her breakfast and then walked over to her boyfriend uncertainly. "By the way Ataru... I heard about some of what happened last night... what exactly did that... crow princess?" She looked uncertainly at Ranma, who nodded. "What did she want?"
Ataru twitched, then sighed heavily, his mood dropping as he trudged over to his pile of supplies. "Oh... nothing. Nothing that matters now, anyway."
Ranma rolled his eyes as he took a seat a good distance away from the fire pit. "Get over it, man. It's over."
Nodding sadly, Ataru picked up the cylindrical can from before and brought it over to the stack of firewood, unscrewing the top and pouring the liquid inside all over the pile.
Onsen Mark, who was finishing his own breakfast of instant ramen (good for three meals a day, seven days a week, 356 days a year!) on the other side of the field, started in surprise when he saw what Ataru was doing. "Hey! Stop that! What is that stuff?" He demanded, running up to the fire pit.
Ataru stopped pouring to give his teacher an odd look. "So is this, like, a trick question, or what? What does it say on the side of the can?"
Shinobu's eyes bulged. "You mean that's really gasoline?"
"Unless that price-gouging bastard at the station ripped me off even more than I thought," Ataru muttered, continuing to drown the prepared wood in engine fuel.
"Sh-Should you be using that stuff for a cook fire?!" Onsen Mark asked nervously, starting to back away.
"Bah!" Ataru shouted in annoyance. "I've been on the road for most of my life, and here you go asking stupid questions, as if I don't know something as basic as outdoor cooking!"
Shinobu turned toward Ranma, sure that the pigtailed boy had some snide response to that. To her surprise, Ataru's brother was lounging quite comfortably under a nearby tree, ignoring the whole exchange.
Watching as several students began to give the Saotomes a greater berth, Cherry stepped forward and shook his head. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
Ataru snorted and finished pouring the last of the can of lighter fluid onto the wood. "If I had a yen for every time someone's said that to me while I've done this, I could afford to just build a hotel every time I go camping."
Cherry shook his head. "This isn't good. There's something quite ominous about this fire."
"That's just the gasoline fumes," Ranma reasoned, standing up and stretching. "Light it up Ataru!" Then he frowned and turned around as he heard a slight rustling in the tree behind him.
Ataru took a match out of his pocket, and everyone else in the class stared in morbid fascination as he struck it on the bottom of his shoe and held it up at arm's length away from him.
Thus, there was a pretty good audience for what happened next.

*Wsssh* "LOOK OUT!!"
Ataru blinked as he heard Ranma shout, and then grunted as he was shoved out of the way.
*Wham!* Ranma grunted as the large, colorful Chinese mace slammed into his face; with the extra time he had taken to push Ataru AWAY from the fire pit, he didn't even have enough time to prepare any kind of defense, much less dodge entirely.
*Crash!* He grimaced further as he hit the pile of firewood hard, the force behind the thrown bonbori even more than he had guessed at first.
Whatever he did when Ataru's match fell on top of him wasn't very obvious, what with all the flames springing up, but the many witnesses all agreed that it was probably just another expression of pain, anyway.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!"
Ataru winced and covered his ears as a flaming humanoid shape burst from the sudden bonfire, screaming.
Largely ignoring that incident, he turned to look at the projectile that had caused the whole mess, and his eyes widened as he recongized it instantly.
"Shampoo's here?!" He shouted, searching around quickly, attempting to locate the source of the weapon.
"Hiya!" Before her prey managed to spot her, Shampoo leapt up from the tree she was hiding in and brought her second bonbori in position for an overhead strike. "Now you die Ata-!"
And then she froze in mid-blow, touching down onto the ground with her weapon stopping an inch from Ataru's skull.
"What? Who you?"

A bit further away, Ranma continued to flail around as he zipped across the field at high speed, in too much pain to address his current conflict coherently.
"OHGODITBURNSHEYDON'TJUSTSTANDTHERESOMEBODYHELPME!!!"
Yuka and several other girls immediately emerged carrying buckets of water. "Ranma! Here!" *Splash!*
"Yow!" To the girls' surprise, Ranma immediately jumped out of the path of the water, apparently more concerned with getting wet than being on fire. "Never mind! I'll do it myself!" The blazing teenager immediately dropped onto the ground and began rolling back and forth, oblivious to the incredulous stares he got from all the students who weren't absorbed with watching Ataru getting attacked.

Lum and Shinobu immediately jumped to either side of Shampoo, glaring heatedly at the Amazon.
"Who are you?! Leave Ataru alone!"
"You're the girl from before! You won't get away with attacking darling like that!"
Shampoo ignored them, staring intently at Ataru.
Ataru blinked, then smiled widely at her as he realized that she wasn't going to bash his head in.
To Ataru's disappointment, Shampoo immediately turned toward Lum. "You is one looking for Ataru before. You tell where Ataru is, or Shampoo kill!"
Lum's electric aura began to charge up, despite the results of the last battle with the Amazon, when Shampoo's words registered properly. "Huh? Darling's right in front of you!"
Shinobu had the sense of mind to be more discrete about her confusion. "You're looking for Ataru Saotome?"
Shampoo whirled to face the schoolgirl. "Yes! You know where is?"
Shinobu frowned, and then pointed toward Ataru. "And that's not him?"
Shampoo shook her head decisively. "Ataru is woman!"
Ataru sweatdropped as whispering began among the surrounding students who weren't busy watching Ranma tend to his burns.
"My darling is NOT a woman!" Lum protested. "That was just a disguise!" She remembered the incident that had won Ataru the race between the Oni Empire and Earth, and had assumed that Shampoo had been duped by the same trick (it had not yet occurred to her that if this was true, that she wouldn't want to blow his cover).
Shampoo merely snorted, however. "Was NOT disguise. Shampoo find Ataru hide in Shao Ling bath house, and see very clear. Ataru Shampoo looking for is woman." She took another disdainful glance at the teenager she had almost squashed. "And this one not Ataru."
Daisuke frowned, and then shrugged. "Well, he's the only Ataru around here."
Hiroshi nodded toward his friend. "Yup. We'd know if there was a girl around that went by the same exact name."
Ataru began to sweat some more, but still managed to keep his mouth shut.
"Why are you trying to kill this girl, anyway?" Shinobu asked, frowning. Obviously the foreigner was looking for someone other than her boyfriend, but after she had nearly killed Ataru and cooked Ranma, the least the girl owed was an explanation for her assault.
Shampoo crossed her arms under her chest and continued to scan the area, angry that she had spent so much time tracking the wrong Ataru. "Ataru disgrace Shampoo in front of tribe by winning tournament! Shampoo can no return home until Ataru dead!"
Lum blinked, then she smirked. "Wait, so this girl BEAT you? That's why you have to kill her?" She stuck her tongue out at the fuming Amazon. "Sounds like someone's a sore loser!"
Shampoo grit her teeth, but refrained from attacking. She had been thrown off the trail, and needed to get back on. Besides, the last fight with the alien had been too close for Shampoo to risk again on a whim. "Is not just pride. Is LAW." She took a small book out from nowhere, and then flipped it open and held it out to Shinobu. "You read."
Hesitantly, Shinobu took the small booklet, and then looked it over. "It says, 'If an Amazon woman is defeated by an outsider woman, the Amazon must give the victor the kiss of death and then kill her without delay.'" Her eye twitched. "What? What kind of a law is that?!"
"An unfortunate one," Ataru mumbled, gently taking the book so that he could look for himself.
Shampoo nodded sharply at the floating oni. "So you see. Is really not Shampoo choice. Must find Ataru and kill, or dishonor Shampoo, Shampoo family, and Shampoo whole tribe!" She began to raise a fist in the air and pose dramatically, when a finger tapped her on the shoulder.
Turning, Shampoo saw it was the boy she had attacked. "What you want? Shampoo sorry she almost kill, but must go now!"
Ataru ignored her protest, and pointed seriously to the book. "What's this part here? Under the killing the girl thing? Is that a mistranslation?"
Shampoo blinked. "Amazon law say that if man beat Amazon, Amazon what beaten marry man. Is not wrong."
A little ways behind Ataru, where he had been lying on his back panting, Ranma suddenly shot up into the sitting position. "WHAT?!"
That was startling to Shampoo, but not nearly as bad as when the boy before her started to chuckle slowly.
Lum and Shinobu stared. "Darling?" "Ataru?"
The young lecher ignored them and turned toward Hiroshi and Daisuke. "Bring tea! Hot tea! And cold drinking water! At once!"

Hiroshi and Daisuke looked at each other.
"Do we have to do what he says?" Hiroshi asked, not wanting to be put to work.
"I think we do," Daisuke admitted, "we did ask for more important roles."
Grumbling irritably, the two boys left for the rear of the camp site, walking past Ranma as the pigtailed boy rushed toward his brother.

"Ataru, please, I'm BEGGING you. Don't do this. Seriously," Ranma asked anxiously, bigsweating.
Ataru snickered and rubbed his hands together. "You expect me to pass up an opportunity like this?!"
"Nothing good will come of this!" Ranma shouted, grabbing the lecher by the front of his shirt and shaking him. "You'll only make things worse! I'm telling you that-" *GA-ZAAACK!!* Ranma was cut off as a bolt of lightning slammed into his back, blasting him away from Ataru and frying him badly for the second time that day.
"Leave my darling alone!" Lum said hotly, floating down next to the young man. After seeing him nearly get smashed by Shampoo, the alien princess was feeling rather protective of the boy.
"Lum!" Shinobu shouted, stepping up in front of her. "What's the matter with you?! We don't even know what's going on!" Turning toward Ataru, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Ataru, what is this? Why are you so interested in that law?"
The lecher merely smirked and raised his hands into the air, forestalling any more questioning. "All will be explained very soon." He grinned at Hiroshi and Daisuke returned, hauling a kettle of tea and a bottle of water.
Shampoo frowned as Ataru approached the boys. "You say this quick! Shampoo have job to do!"
The young lecher waved her off. "Believe me, you don't want to miss this."
"Ata-Ataru," Ranma groaned, slowly standing up again, "I'm telling you... somebody's REALLY going to regret this..."
"I second that motion," Cherry said, stepping up alongside the burned teenager. "Whatever you're about to do is probably a bad idea."
"OH, SHUT UP!!" Both Saotomes yelled, knocking the monk off his feet. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!!"

Ataru snatched up the bottle of drinking water, and then pointed dramatically at Shampoo. "SHAMPOO!! It was I who defeated you in combat at the tournament in your village!"
*GASP!* There was a collective intake of breath as all the students drew back in surprise and shock.
"Psst!" Hiroshi whispered to Daisuke, "Why are we acting so surprised? Ataru's lying, right?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Daisuke admitted, "it just seemed like the proper response."
Shampoo, for her part, didn't look amused. "Is not true. Shampoo say again, see girl Ataru in bath house, was definitely girl! No disguise that good!"
"It was no disguise," Ataru said simply, unscrewing the cap on the water. "Before we got to your village, me, my brother, and our father went to the cursed springs of Jusenkyou!"
Shampoo's eyes widened, and then narrowed again.
The lecher nodded, still smiling. "That's right! While there, we were cursed to change form with cold water, and remain in that form until hot water returns us to our natural bodies!"
Shinobu gasped. "You mean... at the race..."
"It wasn't just a disguise?" Lum finished, shocked.
Ataru chuckled somewhat bitterly, and Shampoo began to slowly draw herself back, as she had already figured out where this is going. "That is correct! For I fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl!" *Splash!*
Shock and dismay crossed Shampoo's features as the lecherous young man was replaced with a lecherous young woman, and her face drained of color as the full implications of all this struck her like one of Lum's lightning bolts. "But... But... you is... is man?"
Ataru nodded, and then she grabbed up the kettle, ignoring the gaping that occurred all around her. "That's right! Witness now as I return to my true form!"
*Hsssss*
Shampoo slowly slumped to her knees, her eyebrow twitching. She had to marry him. This worthless, sex-crazed weakling that had triumphed over her out of sheer cowardice was now her husband. She was required to BEAR CHILDREN by this man's seed. Her distress began to take a more active form as her body began to tremble involuntarily.
Ataru, meanwhile, was rubbing his hands together as he began to plan his "honeymoon" with his new wife. The thought that his girlfriend, or his old wife, may have complaints about this did not occur to him. That's not to say it wouldn't have, but he was distracted from his thoughts when he noticed a ring of heat surrounding him that had nothing to do with the still-blazing cookfire he had started.
The lecher immediately fell backward onto his back as he realized that he was surrounded by a ring of his female classmates, all of them armed with various blunt objects and looking ready for a lynching.
"Wh-What?!" He protested defensively, slowly scooting backward. "It's not ME who's forcing her! It's her own laws! My beating her was pure coincidence!"
"Who cares about THAT?!" Yuka growled.
Sayuri twitched as she gripped an iron pan with both hands. "You were that blue-haired girl that always hangs around the locker rooms! You were peeping on us the whole time!!"
Akane hefted her mallet. "I don't know what they're talking about, but if you're getting beat down, there's no way I'm missing out!"
Ataru blinked as the girls started to advance. "Ooooooh... uh, NO! That wasn't me! It was just a relative! An actual girl! Really!" Knowing that the advancing schoolgirls weren't likely to buy it, Ataru started to scoot backward faster, until he bumped into two pairs of legs that effectively barred his retreat.
"Darling," Lum said sweetly, as arcs of electricity curled around her arms, "why did you tell all that to this girl? You KNOW you're already married."
Shinobu grit her teeth as her own battle aura raged noticeably hotter than the other girls'. "Ataru, how could you?! Do you really want to marry that girl?! After she tried to kill you?! I can't believe you!!"
Ataru gulped as angry females advanced on him from all directions. "I plead the fifth!"
"That's the American Constitution, not Japan's," Cherry provided helpfully, making sure to stay a safe distance away.
Ataru grimaced. "I hate you, Cherry..."
*Thwack!* *Pow!* *Whack!* *Wham!* *ZAAK!* *Crunch!* *Smack!* * Snap!* *Crack!* *GA-ZAKK!!* *Slam!* *Whap!* *Thock!* *Wham!* *Pow!*

Mostly ignoring the beating taking place, Shampoo snatched up her book of Amazon law, sweating as she desperately looked over the section regarding marriage to outsiders.
'Maybe it doesn't count because he was female when I beat him? No! Great-Grandmother will never accept that as an excuse! Maybe because of the manner of defeat? NO!! That's even flimsier!' She bit her lip as she read over the list of rules. 'There must be some way! Any way! Some loophole, or safeguard! I can't possibly be stuck in a marriage to such a weak, pitiful fool! He's worse than Mousse! At least Mousse can fight!'
Her hands shaking, her eyes caught a passage near the bottom of the page starting with the word 'if', and she focused all attention upon the few following lines.
[If, before the marriage is consummated and thus officially accepted, a different outsider male defeats both the engaged Amazon warrior and the original husband in combat, then the Amazon may choose between the two outsiders by whatever means she deems most important.]
*Slap!* Shampoo snapped the book closed, and immediately sat down cross-legged, in deep thought. 'Okay! I have to find someone who can beat Ataru and myself! ......... Well, someone who can beat Ataru, at least. I can offer some leeway in my case.' Shampoo was as prideful as Amazons came, but there were worse fates than death AND dishonor.
The thing was: who could beat Ataru? The boy had all the aggression and grace of a lump of algae, but his dodging ability was beyond comprehension. She suspected even Cologne would have trouble taking the fool down (not that she'd lose, as Shampoo had; she'd be far more likely to get bored and leave). She needed someone fast. Very fast. Someone who was a very good fighter. Someone who would probably have significant knowledge of Ataru's skills, and hopefully even experience attacking him.
"But who good enough?" Shampoo mused fretfully. "Who know Ataru well, and very strong?"
"His brother?"
Startled, Shampoo looked up to see the ugly little monk shrugging. "Just a thought."

Ranma grimaced as he looked at the lynching that was taking place, and opted to evacuate the area before all the accidental and vengeful damage he was taking really started taking its toll. This situation didn't look like it had anywhere to go but down the tubes.
"Ranma? You leaving?" Hiroshi asked in surprise, as he watched the pigtailed boy walk away from the field, his hands in his pockets.
Ranma nodded mutely.
"You're going to leave your brother here?" Daisuke asked in surprise.
The martial artist glared at them. "And if you were in my shoes, what would YOU do about this mess?"
"I would have left a long time ago," Hiroshi said immediately.
"Yeah. I was just surprised it took you so long." Daisuke clarified.
Shaking his head, Ranma once again started to walk away, and rubbing one of the particularly bad burns on his arm. Geez, those hurt! "I'm getting out of here before something else hits me." He said bitterly.
*THWACK!*
Hiroshi and Daisuke watched, wide-eyed, as a bonbori zipped through the air and smashed into the back of Ranma's head, sending the pigtailed boy flailing into a nearby tree.
'Poor guy...' 'Just can't catch a break.'
"Aiyah!" Shampoo shouted in distress, running up to her target. "Why you no dodge?!"
"If you didn't want it to HIT me..." Ranma growled, slowly prying himself out of the tree, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU THROW THAT THING IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!"
Shampoo sweatdropped as Ranma whirled around to scream at her. Swallowing nervously, and hoping that the pigtailed boy was in good enough condition to fight, the Amazon took a fighting stance and beckoned for him.
"You mad? Then we fight, yes?"
Ranma's only response was a blindingly fast left haymaker aimed straight for Shampoo's face.
The Amazon only had time to squeeze her eyes shut as she glimpsed the blow coming; there was no possible way she could dodge or block, it was just too fast!
'Yes, this one would be perfect!'
There was a long pause as she waited for the blow to land. Extremely unusual, considering how shocked she had been at the velocity of the attack, but Shampoo waited patiently nonetheless.
"......... Yeah, right. Like I'm going to let you trick me into beating you so easily."
Shampoo's eyes snapped open, and the Amazon blinked in surprise as she beheld Ranma's fist sitting frozen in the air just bare millimeters from her nose.
Snorting, the pigtailed boy pulled his arm back and turned away. "Who knows what kind of nonsense I'll have to put up with if I beat you now. Forget it."
Shampoo gulped. "B-But Shampoo want marry strong man! You fight Shampoo, and Shampoo marry you! Is okay?" She smiled hopefully as she spoke, bunching her fists under her chin to look cute.
Ranma was about to reply with something along the lines of "I'd rather pound a nail into my eye than have anything to do with this", when Ataru suddenly popped up in front of him.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!! I saw her first! She's mine!" Ataru grit his teeth and spread his arms out, oblivious to Shampoo's horrified look.
Ranma just smirked and shrugged. "Hey, whatever. Just so long as you keep me out of it."
Shampoo was close to tears as she shook her head wildly. "NO!! SHAMPOO NEVER MARRY ATARU!!"

*Thwack!* *Pow!* *Smash!* "Hey, Akane?" Yuka asked, panting slightly as she continued to pound away with a broom.
*Thock!* *Crunch!* "What is it?" Akane asked, concentrating on finding the best moments to strike so that her weapon didn't collide with any of the others'.
"If Ataru's over there yelling at Ranma," *Smack!* *Bam!* *Pow!* "who are we beating right now?"
Akane frowned, backing away as another round of lightning smashed into the lynch victim.
"EVERYBODY BREAK!!" The youngest Tendo shouted, spreading her arms off and backing away further.
They did so, and within moments, the dust cleared from around their unfortunate target.
Shinobu blinked. "Hey! It's that bandanna guy from before!"
"Where'd he come from?" Akane asked, sweatdropping. "I didn't even know he was in this chapter."
"A... Ata... Ataru..." Ryoga groaned, twitching as he experienced a level of pain unlike anything he had ever known, "this is... all... your...... fault..."

Ranma grit his teeth as Shampoo glomped onto his leg.
"PLEASE!! You fight Shampoo!! Shampoo do anything!! No want marry pervert!! Is fate worse than death!!"
"Then DON'T MARRY HIM," Ranma growled, shaking his leg to try and get her off, "it's not my laws sayin' you have to! But if you don't, just don't expect me to cover for ya!"
"C'mon Shamps!" Ataru said happily, hugging the Amazon from behind and trying to pull her off of his twin. "Don't be like that! Think of all the fun we're going to have together!"
Both Ranma and Shampoo shuddered mightily, and Ranma finally managed to jerk his leg free.
"Not my problem!" He yelled, turning around and running. "I am SO outta-GYAAAH!!!"
Everybody in the field (except Ryoga, obviously), turned toward the new source of distress, and was surprised to see a striking woman in leather at the edge of the camp site, staring longingly at the pigtailed boy.
"K-K-K-Kurama!" Ranma stuttered as he began to back away. "The hell?! I thought we were done with you!"
The alien princess blinked, her attendant crow men flying about her in chaotic rings. "Why would you think that? We have not yet completed the mating!"
Ranma slowly sweatdropped as he felt all eyes in the field lock onto him. "I... uh... look, I'm not that kinda guy!"
*Woosh!* In a split second after Ranma had spoken, Ataru had dropped Shampoo and glomped onto Kurama. "Don't worry! I'll do the deed! For the sake of the crow-thingy race!"
*Whack!* "Unhand me at once, you Neanderthal!"

Turning away from the new conflict, Ranma clasped his hands over his ears and fell to his knees, trying to drown out the noise of violence.
'Why me?'
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Okay, so let's just make sure everything's all sorted out, here," Cherry said, sitting down as he faced the anxious crowd before him.
Shampoo and Kurama sat down cross-legged before Cherry, occasionally casting doubtful glances at each other. Behind them sat Ranma and Ataru, with the latter being flanked by an extremely irritated-looking Lum and Shinobu. Akane was off walking near the river, well aware that she would be unable to listen to the whole story without laughing gleefully. Ryoga was nowhere to be found, which was okay because nobody cared. Everyone else formed a semi-circle around the Saotomes and their romantic acquaintances, all facing the diminutive monk.
Cherry pointed toward Shampoo. "You are, by law, married to Ataru Saotome."
Shampoo twitched, but slowly nodded.
"You do not want this marriage, yet it will become finalized and official by all standards that matter in your culture on the occasion of intercourse with the betrothed."
Shampoo shuddered mightily at the thought, not bothering to nod.
"The only way you or anybody else can think of to nullify this arrangement is for you to be defeated by another man not of your tribe, and for that man to then defeat Ataru. You would then choose between the two outsider males, correct?"
Shampoo nodded again, this time with more energy.
Cherry pointed toward Ranma, who twitched. "The only feasible candidate for defeating you AND getting through Ataru's ridiculously efficient dodge skill is Ranma Saotome, who you would have little to no objection in marrying."
Shampoo nodded several times, eyes shining hopefully.
Cherry lowered his hand and bowed toward Ranma. "You are opposed to this. Please explain why."
Ranma turned his head away sharply. "She wants me to just up and marry her out of the blue! I don't even know her! And all just so that she can legally dump my brother!"
Cherry nodded as Shampoo slumped. "Fair enough."
Then he turned toward Kurama.
"You are required to bear young by the one who granted you the wake-up kiss, correct?"
Kurama nodded, managing to look perfectly refined and regal despite openly discussing her sexual pursuits.
"You are not sure which boy granted you the kiss. However, you are sure that Ataru kissed you, whereas Ranma denies it. Furthermore, Ranma has refused to participate in your ultimate goal, correct?"
Kurama grimaced, but nodded.
Cherry made eye contact with Ranma again. "Explain, please."
"I 'aint no breeding stud," Ranma growled, "and I don't like being used."
Cherry nodded as Kurama deflated. "Again, fair enough I suppose." He turned back toward Kurama. "So with his refusal, that makes Ataru the default candidate, since he was probably the official 'mate' in the first place, correct?"
The bearded crow on Kurama's shoulder nodded and spoke, even as it seemed the princess was about to protest. "Yes. There isn't precedent for such circumstances, but it's the logical thing to do."
Cherry closed his eyes and rested his hands in his lap for several long moments.
Finally, he looked up. "I have considered the matter at hand, and I think that I've come up with the best solution, given the circumstances."
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Really?" He didn't like the modifier "given the circumstances" one bit. Still, providing an answer and reasonable explanation was more help than the stupid monk had ever provided before.
Cherry beckoned toward the Saotomes. "Ranma, Ataru, if you would come here, please."
The two brothers dubiously approached the monk, and then leaned over to listen.
As they were leaning over, Cherry could calmly place a hand on each brothers' shoulder, and did so. "Ranma, Ataru, I think it would be best if..."
"If...?" Ataru prompted.
"If what?" Ranma asked impatiently.
All around them, the spectators leaned in closer in anticipation.
"I think it would be best if you two worked this out yourselves."
*CRASH!* Everybody in the field hit the ground face-first.

Ranma, naturally, was the first one to get up, and immediately grabbed Cherry by the front of his robes, lifting him up. "What's the deal Melon?! You were supposed to mediate this thing!"
Cherry clicked his tongue. "And I did. The circumstances are now all out in the open, ready for anyone who has a solution to provide it. And my name is-"
"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!" Ranma said, shaking the Buddhist mightily, and cutting him off. "Why'd we go through all that if we end up back where we started?!"
Ataru shrugged. "I don't see what the big problem is." He crossed his arms over his chest, his expression serious. "Ranma has made his decisions. Thus, it falls to me to do my duty to these beautiful, unfortunate women."
"Our only misfortune was meeting you!" Kurama growled, gripping her giant leaf in her hand.
"Is right!" Shampoo agreed. "This all Ataru fault!"
Cherry sighed and held up a hand, forestalling the brewing conflict despite his still being held up in the air. "Everyone, calm down! We won't solve anything this way!"
*Thud!* Ranma forcefully shoved the monk into the ground head-first.
"As if we'll solve anything your way, either!"
"Actually, I would like to suggest something," Kurama stated calmly, standing up and raising her hand.
All eyes turned to her.
"It confuses me greatly," the crow princess mused, rubbing her chin, "that Ranma and Ataru are brothers, fraternal twins in fact, and yet share very little in common, both in terms of physical traits and psychological characteristics."
Ataru and Ranma stared blankly at her.
"That means you look and think differently!" Shinobu whispered to them. The boys nodded quickly.
"I would propose," Kurama continued, idly waving her leaf with one hand, "that I be allowed to conduct an experiment to delve into their minds."
"Wh-What?" Ataru said, backing up slightly. "Delve into... my mind? No!" He backed up some more. "That's an invasion of my privacy! No way!" The young lecher turned and began to stomp away angrily.
"Surprise binding!"
"Eh? Gah!" Ataru shouted in surprise as Ranma zipped around him, and struggled helplessly as he found himself suddenly bound hand and foot.
Ranma grinned, placing his hands on his hips. "Heh. This sounds interesting. Go ahead Kura."
Kurama began to advance, then jerked to a stop, surprised. 'He... He called me Kura... he has his own nickname for me...'
"How dare you!" One of the crow men demanded, as his companions began hooking suction cups onto Ataru. "You commoners are to address the princess as 'your highness'!"
*Crunch!* Ranma winced as the alien that berated him was squished under one of Kurama's thigh-length boots.
"Oh-kay... 'your highness' it is."
The elder crow turned toward his princess. "Your highness, the device is ready."
"I can't believe you're just going to sit there and let them do this to me!" Ataru complained loudly, glaring accusingly at Ranma.
He just snorted. "I can't believe you expect me to stop them. Why don't you ask your girlfriends to help you?"
Ataru turned around. "Shampoo! Help!"
*Whump!* Ranma's face hit the dirt with a vengeance.
"Enough! It begins!"

Kurama swung her leaf and let go, allowing the alien device to float in the air and then stand upright on its stem.
After a view moments, a portal of white opened up in the middle, and an image began to form that resembled an outline of Ataru's profile. In the middle of it, where the brain was located, the image of an input box such as computer programs used appeared, complete with a blinking, rectangular cursor.
Spontaneously, the cursor began to move, leaving text in its wake.
[Ataru Saotome's "To Do" List:]
[Shampoo]
[Shinobu]
[Kurama]
[Kasumi - Bad Command or File Name]
[Nabiki]
[Akane - Violent tendencies rising - Abort, Retry, Fail?]
[Lum]
[Hot nurse everyone talks about - Path Not Found]
[Steal Ranma's cookies]
[That chick that sits behind me in math]
[Copyright Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft Corporation and owner of your soul, you miserable cretins]

A large sweatdrop rolled down Kurama's head.
"These... these thoughts. Nothing but women?" She stared at a particular line curiously. "And cookies?"
"Ask me if we're surprised," Yuka muttered irritably.
Standing next to Lum, who was fuming quite openly, Shinobu was shocked still, and holding her hand to her chest. 'I... I was honestly starting to think that I should end this completely. That Ataru really was hopeless, but... on his list of women, I'm second only to Shampoo?' It was pretty insulting, especially when taken with the rest of the long list of women he wanted, but more importantly, it proved that he had been telling the truth when he had promised her all those times that he preferred her over Lum.
It wasn't what one would call a dignified rationalization, but one has to reason that her standards weren't exactly stellar in the first place.

Ranma walked up to his brother and popped off one of the suction cups.
"Neat. Guess I'll give it a whirl."
Shrugging, the crow aliens began the same process of hooking up several suction cups onto the subject.
Kurama nodded once they were finished. "Now we'll find out exactly how Ranma's mind differs. It may offer critical insight to our... conflict."
"Or at least it'll provide critical filler until we reach some half-baked non-conclusion," Ataru offered.
The alien leaf began to form another picture, and everyone waited patiently as black-and-white scenery appeared in the portal.
It flickered, as if it were an old movie playing on a projector, and the scene moved toward two men in hakama and yukata, with katana at their hips. One had a pouch tied onto his belt, while the other had an obvious-looking pigtail.

"So... does this mean Ranma only thinks in black and white, or what?" Hiroshi asked, scratching his head.
"SSSH!" Daisuke berated him, before taking a handful of popcorn and stuffing it into his mouth.

*Ranma. You don't have to do this. This path you have chosen is hard, and dangerous. You deserve a better life.*
The pigtailed character snorted and moved forward. *Don't try to stop me, Ginsei. I have sworn to be the best, to defeat all who get in my way.*
*You will die!*
*Everybody dies.*
*Your death will be painful though. And lonely!*
Ranma snorted again, then laughed bitterly. *So my death is to be like my life! How fitting! Now move or I will move you myself!*
The unknown character shook his head. *If you insist upon this reckless path, then I must see you destroyed.* He shifted into a combat stance.
Ranma did the same. *If that is so, then I shall strike you down as well, and I will grow stronger!*
There is an unnecessarily long pause as the two stand in combat stances. High-pitched harp music punctuated by the loud, annoying sound of wood blocks being slapped together emanate from the background.
The two suddenly rush at each other, drawing their swords only once the opponent is in range. Ranma makes a critical movement to the right at the last second, and slices Ginsei under the arm as Ginsei's own sword misses by centimeters.
Ginsei falls. Ranma resheathes his sword.
*Good night, proud warrior. I hope someday to die with such honor as you displayed today.*
Samurai-Ranma walked up to Ginsei's corpse, and took the pouch on his belt before opening it.
Reaching inside, he took out a single Oreo cookie, and observed it critically.
*Ah, yes! Double Stuf! Excellent!*
The image began to fade as Ranma bit into the cookie, an unusually serious expression still on his face.

The giant leaf shimmered, and then shrank slightly to its dimensions before it had been used as a projector.
All around the field, there was light applause.
"Not bad at all."
"One of the better scripted samurai duels I've seen."
"Just like a Kurosawa film!"
Kurama merely stared incredulously at her leaf. "Wh-What... What... What did all THAT mean?"
Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. Looked about right, though." He ripped off the suction cups attached to his head, then got up and stretched.
He fought the urge to jump back in surprise as Shampoo suddenly knelt in front of him almost reverently.
"Ranma! It true! You is great warrior!"
Ranma blinked. "Well, of course I am! So what?"
Tears of joy began to stream down Shampoo's face as she clasped her hands together. "For long time, Shampoo wish for true warrior take her! True martial artist, with warrior spirit! Now you come in Shampoo time of need! Is dream come true!"
Ranma grimaced, and then groaned as Kuramas suddenly stepped up angrily.
"Hey! Back off, Earthling! You are not the only 'damsel in distress' here!"
Shampoo glared at her irritably. "You be quiet! You not even know what you see when look at Ranma mind! You leave Ranma alone!"
Kurama grit her teeth. "I only need him for one night! Wait your turn, pest!"
Ranma massaged his head. "Ai-yai-yai... just what I need..."
Before the two women could come to blows, Ranma placed a hand on either one's shoulder, stopping them dead.
"Now look," he began seriously, "I know we've been in conflict before, but now the situation's different, and I need to respect that." He sighed as the two women stared at him hopefully. "As a martial artist-no, as a civilized human being, I must do all that I'm willing to help you two, even if it conflicts with certain moral principles that I hold dear."
Shampoo sniffled as she smiled brightly. "Ranma so noble and selfless!"
Kurama nodded eagerly. "I'll ensure you don't regret this decision!"
Ranma nodded. "Right. So, despite my own disgust for alcohol, I'm going to strongly recommend that the two of you get good and wasted before night falls with Ataru around. If you're lucky, you won't even remember anything the next day."
*Crack!* There was an audible shattering noise, like the breaking of a glass pane, as the two girls' hopes were brutally crushed underfoot.
Ranma patted them on their respective shoulders. "If I think of any other advice, I'll let you know. Have a nice life."
He then turned around and began to walk away, only to be confronted by Ataru, who was wiping a tear from his eye in a manner very similar to Shampoo's own.
*Sniff* "Bro... I know I don't tell you this often, but... I love you, man."
"That's great," Ranma deadpanned. "I'm leaving now. I'll see you back home."

Ranma immediately stalked away, quickly given a wide berth by the students that stood between him and the road back to Nerima.
Unfortunately, one of the non-students wasn't going to let him leave so easily.
"Do you think it's wise to leave your brother like that?" Cherry asked, managing to keep stride with Ranma despite his painfully shorter legs.
Ranma groaned and rubbed his head as he walked. "Look, Grapefruit-"
"It's CHERRY," the monk corrected him, annoyed that Ranma seemed incapable of remembering his name. Was it THAT hard to remember?
"Whatever," Ranma mumbled, "Ataru's life isn't in danger, and the way I see it, there's no possible way I can interfere in this that wouldn't just end up causing more problems. Besides, if the Amazons and space crows are going to have such stupid laws, then I say let them live with the consequences. It's no skin off my back, and Ataru doesn't have any reason to complain."
"All true, I suppose," Cherry said, "but I was referring more to the balance I sensed from before, the balance of fate."
Ranma frowned. "That thing that made Ataru lucky when I was unlucky?"
The monk nodded. "Precisely. It also works the other way around. If one of you were to, say... 'strike it big', the effects upon the other could be FATAL! Think about it! Leaving that boy in the hands of two women that are legally obligated to be his lovers, and two more yet that are actually enamored with him!"
Ranma stared at the ugly old man expressionlessly, then turned to look back at the camp site.

"Unhand me, you savage!" Kurama shouted, slapping Ataru away.
*Thock!* "You leave Shampoo alone! No want anything do with you!"
"DARLING!! I'M your wife, remember!? Divine retribution!" *GA-ZACK!*
"Ataru, how could force some girl you don't even know like that?! Are you THAT desperate?!" *Smack!*

Ranma turned back around, and then his eye caught something on the ground.
"I think I'll survive," he reasoned, picking up the 1,000 yen note. "And hopefully, Ataru will too."
"I suppose, but-" *Punt!*
Whistling to himself as the pesky monk sailed off into the distance, Ranma began to walk home once more. Things were finally looking up!

**********************************************************************************
End Chapter 5