Takahashi Soup
by Black Dragon

Revised disclaimer: I'm sorry about stealing all the stuff. Not the stuff from the space ships, just the stuff that the space ships are based on. This includes every action or sci-fi movie that's ever been made, plus Tremors and excluding E.T. I once blasted a guy who looked like E.T. once. And then I took his stuff. Anyway, the jokes mostly come from late night shows on Cartoon Network, so give the guys on Adult Swim a heads up. Same thing for all comedy anime, except Lost Universe, because I don't like Lost Universe. Not enough space pirates. And the space pirates that are there always lose. What's up with that, portraying space pirates as wimps? It's dumb. And so is Rahxephon, or however you spell it. Dammit, either have big robots fight, or have people shoot each other! We can't take this stupid metaphorical, enigmatic, try-to-guess-what-the-hell's-going-on plot! Wait, what was I doing? Oh yeah. I'd like to thank Josh Temple for screwing up BD's head; I never liked that dip. The disclaimer thing recognizes that much material, though technically not plagiarized, has been modified from other fanfic authors. Mainly, every fanfic author that dislikes Akane and can spell most of the words correctly. Also, Kaiton rocks, as does Jose Argao. And so do webcomics. And normal comics. Especially Calvin & Hobbes. I'm sleepy. I think my friends just planted a sedative in my neck, and my arm is on fire. I need a drink. I hope that (the disclaimer trails off into a series of incomprehensible ink smudges)

Chapter 3
Return of the Big Guy
**********************************************************************************

[I can feel it. My mind, I mean. It's breaking apart, piece by piece. Every day, I can feel the precious sand that is sanity and peace slipping between the fingers of my mind, and I can do nothing but watch and cry as I descend slowly into the darkness. Blood stains the cage of my soul as my heart desperately tries to escape its black prison. But there is no hope. I'm not sure that there ever was hope.]
[They've all betrayed me. Forsaken me. Stabbed me in the back and watched me bleed with their apathetic gazes. Ranma, Nabiki, Dad, even Kasumi simply sits and stares as I am torn, piece by piece, from the cold, fragile grip I have on reality. It doesn't matter to them. They cannot comprehend my suffering, and because they know this, they have not tried. I can feel them, my sisters, at night. Laughing. I can see them in my mind. Breathing happy sighs of relief that it wasn't them.]
[I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Though it's been less than a week, it feels like an eternity. And every moment stretches on to infinity as I stare upon my black fate, the blight upon my soul, the evil parasite that waits outside my room, like a vile spider patiently awaiting his prey, waiting, waiting, waiting to satisfy his horrible pleasures.]
[I have started making daily trips to nearby Shinto temples. Purification... meditation... it makes me feel less dirty. Less hunted. But still, even as the cold water creeps down my trembling form, still, I think of HIM, and suddenly I shudder and my spine turns to ice as I suddenly began to think it's HIM there around me, that it's HIS wet fingers trickling down my thighs, and in the darkness, I lash out blindly, trying to get away, clinging to that last bit of hope that my muscles can support my tainted spirit and shattered mind. I've been banned from three shrines already, due to having caused considerable property damage and hurting several people. I'm afraid that a fourth, which hasn't banned me yet, will have the authorities on standby to take me away if I show up again. But I must continue, I must try.]
[They tell me I'm too anxious about this. That I'm paranoid. But they don't KNOW. They don't know what it's like to have those crawling, beady eyes on them. They don't know what it's like to be touched by those greasy, twitching hands. They've never had to stare so deeply into that hideous, leering face.]
[I know that I don't have much time left until I finally snap. Maybe I've already snapped, and I just haven't realized it yet. But I do know that if I do go down - and, if this FILTH, this PARASITE stays, I will go down - I'll take that bastard and his arrogant good-for-nothing brother down with me.]

Her hand twitching badly, Akane finished scrawling the last of the hiragana symbols and swallowed deeply, taking her time as she carefully closed her diary. After the book was closed, she took a key hidden in her sock and locked the hinge that kept the book sealed before sliding it under her bed.
Realizing that her anxiousness had generated a light sheen of sweat over her body, Akane slowly made her way toward her bedroom door on the way to take a bath.
Shuffling slowly, and casting nervous glances all about, she cautiously reached out for her doorknob.
"AAAAAH!!! AAAAAH!!! AAAAAH!!!" A spark of static electricity from the brass knob had Akane scrambling away from the door screaming, until her body clamped her hands over her mouth in an act of good judgment totally independent from her mind.
Akane's eyes slowly returned to their normal size, and she breathed deeply before taking her hands off her mouth. "It's okay... there's nothing wrong... just a little static shock... your room is NOT booby-trapped... that's right Akane, just get up and walk out..." her body slowly responded, as if a separate entity unattached to the head that was issuing it commands. "That's right, just walk out. Good girl! Yes, you are a good girl! We won't let that nasty Ataru get you! That's it! Just think happy thoughts..." Opening the door without further mishap, the youngest Tendo daughter made her way easily to the bathroom, mumbling to herself the whole way.

Back in her room, there was a long moment of silence.
*Shoop* Then her window opened, and Ataru flipped down from the window frame, taking a quick glance around to make sure the room was absolutely vacant.
"Hum dee dum da dum," humming to himself, Ataru fished Akane's diary from beneath her bed, and then fished a pair of extra-thin tweezers and a piece of wire bent into a zig-zag pattern at the end from his pocket.
"La dee da dee dah... one for the money, two for the babe, three yen says she loves me, I've got it made!" With that odd, pointless rhyme, Akane's lock gave way to Ataru's expert lockpicking skills, and he grinned as he flipped the book to the latest entry.
"Let's see now............ darn. No proclamations of love for me... Wait! What's this about hands on her thighs?" He began to take a closer look at the end of the diary entry, rather than simply scanning for key words. "Whoa. Dark."
Then he started at the beginning, reading all the way through. "Wow... these are way better than Ranma's journal entries!"
"I KNEW IT!!" Ranma shouted, swinging through the window himself and kicking Ataru in the back.
*Thud!* "Ow!" Ataru groaned as he got up, recovering the diary in the process.
"I knew you were reading those! You always knew exactly what to do to piss me off! Plus, you always knew where I hid my cookies!" Ranma accused, holding a fist in front of him while he glared at his brother.
Ataru chuckled weakly. "Yeah, uh... well, it's water under the bridge now, you know?" Then he frowned. "What are you doing here, anyway?"
Ranma's angry demeanor melted. "I was, uh, waiting for you to finish, actually. These things are pretty good reading."
"Okay, just give me a minute."
__________________________________________________________________________________

In the deep recesses of space, the Hubble telescope floated in its tedious orbit, its complex optical machinery capturing data in an endless stream to be analyzed by countless scientific minds striving to unlock the secrets of the universe.
One of those secrets was inadvertently answered when a bright blue flash appeared in front of the telescope, and a large saucer-shaped space ship with a tiger-stripe pattern blasted into realspace only meters from the viewing satellite.
*WHAM!!!* The UFO swerved to avoid the Hubble, and ended up clipping the side of the device, launching twisted bits of broken metal into the vast emptiness of space, and sending the Hubble on a rapidly decaying orbit that would eventually cause the satellite to fall into the atmosphere and utterly crush and kill Prince Toma within his tree island in a horrible, tragic accident, to the great disappointment of no one.
Had the telescope possessed the necessary equipment, it would have picked up a rather agitated tachyon pulse emission being beamed from the UFO that would have translated to something like "Where the hell did you learn to navigate?! Stay on the right side of the gymonin particle current, you moron!" followed by a transmission of a picture of a hand with the middle finger raised.
Instead, the damaged, but still technically functional hunk of sophisticated machinery whirled around, and thus its cameras got a nice, good picture of a swarm of similar flying saucers emerging from hyperspace in a massive armada.
The officials at NASA headquarters promptly excused themselves from their instruments, and the building resonated cheers and groans as one group of scientists handed over significant wads of cash to another group. A third group watched the exchange, then returned to their instruments to search the alien fleet for signs of Elvis, wishing to conclude their bets as well.
__________________________________________________________________________________

*Slash!* *Bok!* *Thwack!* Kuno finished his final stroke with a flourish, turning on one foot as the head of the straw practice dummy bounced onto the ground and rolled away.
Kuno grinned as he held his bokken straight up. "My dance of swords is both beautiful and horrifying, is it not, Sasuke?"
In a tree far off in the corner of the garden, an unusually short man in Ninja clothes with a squirrelly face nodded eagerly. "Why yes master, that thought did cross my mind." Sasuke frowned. "But Master, I must ask, are these practice dummies supposed to be effigies of a sort? They seem rather plain, but I couldn't help but notice that half of them have dead brown grass for hair, while the others have black wigs with attached pigtails."
Kuno snorted. "Sasuke, your skills of perception once again astound me."
Sasuke goggled slightly at the praise, and hastily bowed while blushing. "Th-Thank you Master! I-"
"I was being sarcastic, you idiot!" Kuno yelled, gritting his teeth, "for ANY fool can see that these weathered sacks have been painstakingly crafted to resemble those two wretches that dare interfere in the affairs of my heart! The ones with brown hair are the very image of the repugnant lecher, Ataru Saotome, and the ones that bear pigtails, the perfect resemblance of his Neanderthal brother, Ranma Saotome!"
Sasuke sweatdropped, but nodded. He knew better than to tell his master that he had no idea who those people were; as a Ninja retainer, it was his responsibility to go out of his way to find out about Tatewaki's latest obsessions so that he may offer advice. Not that anybody ever listened to him, but still, it was his job.
"I see Master. And what exactly have these foolish mortals done to warrant your wrath?" Sasuke asked curiously.
"HA!!" Kuno barked, jabbing his wooden weapon into the air, "the lecher has committed the very gravest of crimes, Sasuke: he hath molested that divine flower which I worship, the fierce and lovely Akane Tendo! She herself asked for my aid in vanquishing him, and at her will, I strike!"
Sasuke sweatdropped again. Since the school had been destroyed, Kuno had spent the week striking at nothing but straw dummies, and Sasuke had to wonder if his master even knew where Akane lived, for all he doted on her.
Wait a minute. Doted on Akane?
"But Master, what about your most recent obses-er-love? I believe you were stalk-uh-courting the graceful and beautiful Miss Sakura?" Kuno had, a little over two weeks ago, replaced half the Akane posters in his room with one of a gorgeous raven-haired woman in a nurse's garb, and ranted about a heavenly priestess coming to care for him. Then, two days before the school was destroyed, the Kuno residence had received a restraining order in the mail referring to the same woman, along with school orders for young Tatewaki to seek medical care off the premises in the future. The Kuno lawyers had and still were fighting the restraining order, but Sasuke was still wondering if his master had actually given up that pursuit in the short time before he had been forced to abandon Furinkan.
Fat chance. "Oh, my heavenly priestess! Divine angel that brings men back from the light of death itself! What simpleton would dare suggest that I break her tender, fragile heart with the pursuit of another?"
Sasuke blinked, then nodded seriously. "I see Master. So then, you are giving up on the lady Tendo?"
*Thwack!* *Thud!* Sasuke yelped as a thrown rock to his forehead sent him hurtling to the ground. "Owwwww..."
"You fool! Akane Tendo, as powerful as she is, could not bear such a trial either, were I to deny her my heart! With no other choice in sight, the path is clear: I would take them both, so that both can warm their hearts by my touch!"
Sasuke rubbed his head as he got up, wondering if Kuno's explanation was actually his own, or produced by the head wound generated from the rock. Then, after a moment, his head DID clear, and he answered his own question easily.
"Of course, Master. I believe you were saying something about the men which these dummies represent?"
Kuno blinked. "Ah, yes! Of course! And the pigtailed ones are effigy to that vile scoundrel, Ranma Saotome, who dared to perform the most vile of grievances by interfering in an exaction of vengeance against the former miscreant!"
Sasuke blinked. "Master, you refer to the act of Ataru as the gravest of crimes, and the act of Ranma as the vilest of grievances. Which is the more serious of the misdeeds?"
*Whack!* "Ow!" Sasuke whimpered as Kuno's bokken came down on his head.
"Idiot! Keep your simplistic questions to yourself!" Kuno growled. Then he rested his bokken on his shoulder and looked up toward the sky.
"Ah, look! A shooting star! If you even HAVE ambitions, Sasuke, feel free to wish upon it." Kuno lowered his head and grinned. "No doubt a man of such pitiful stature must want for something. As for myself, I possess all that a man could desire."
Sasuke gulped as he rubbed the two bumps on his head. "Master, I don't wish to ruin the mood, but I have serious doubts as to the nature of that... 'shooting star'. For one thing, it's noon, and the sun is out. For another, that object appears far too close to be in the regions of space. And lastly, it moves too slowly to be any sort of natural projectile..." Sasuke trailed off as his mind followed his own words to the most obvious (not likely, but given this was Nerima, obvious) conclusion.
"No way! It's a UFO!" Ataru yelled, leaking gasoline on the ground in a trail behind him.
"You jest!" Kuno yelled, looking up once more at the sky. "You jest not!" Sure enough, a flying saucer floated overhead, moving toward a specific point in the city. It had a silvery metal core that was spherical in shape, and around that was a large ring section with a tiger-stripe pattern that rotated independent of the core.
"Oh my gosh, there are more of them!" Ataru yelled, pointing to the sky, "it's an invasion!"
"You're right!" Sasuke shouted, trembling, "they've come to conquer Earth! We have... to......" then the retainer Ninja turned around and stared at the teenager behind him, "wait, who are you?"
*Whack!" "Ow!"
"Moron!" Kuno yelled, momentarily distracted from the space fleet, "is it not obvious that he's the one the effigies around me are supposed to represent?!" He then went back to staring at the sky.
"Of-Of course Master!" Sasuke said hastily, rubbing his thrice-bruised cranium. Looking at the dummies and then back at Ataru, Sasuke guessed correctly that he was the brother without the pigtail. "So... what are you doing here? And what's with the gasoline can?"
*Clang!* "OW!!" Sasuke grit his teeth in pain as the metal can bounced off his head.
"Isn't it obvious?!" Ataru yelled, looking indignant.
Sasuke nodded hastily, his conditioned response taking over. "Of course! Forgive me!"
"Sure," Ataru mumbled, fishing in his pocket, "just give this to your master." Ataru handed him a letter, then produced a match and struck it on the sole of his shoe.
Sasuke stared at the letter and blinked. Then he turned toward Kuno, who was gaping at the sky two feet away.
Slowly, he began to turn back toward Ataru. "Pardon, but why-WHOA!!!"
*Fwoom!* The retainer Ninja's eyes widened as he beheld the Kuno mansion engulfed in flames, with dark clouds of smoke slowly rising into the midday sky. Ataru was nowhere to be seen.
In the midst of his gaping, Kuno eventually inhaled some of the air around him, and inevitably smelled his home burning.
"*Gasp!* The vile invaders have already begun their offensive! They've destroyed the Kuno stronghold!"
Sasuke chuckled weakly, and held up the letter. "Actually, the arson was just here, and left this message for you, Master Kuno. Furthermore, the arson was-"
Without waiting for his servant's explanation, Kuno snatched up the letter and opened it. " 'My dearest windbag: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your grubby paws off my girl.' Ah, wait, it says 'my brother's girl.' There are extra words written in the margin and placed with little arrows. Hmmm. 'This is a warning. Next time I'll get you, or maybe your crocodile in the front. I mean, I'm not going to bother trying to light the crocodile on fire, at least, not if it's in the pool, but I'll think of something nasty to do to it. Seriously, why do you keep that thing out? It seems like-' " Kuno yawned as the letter continued dragging on.
Sasuke gulped as he watched sections of the Kuno household collapse, vital supports having been burned through to ash. "Master, shouldn't we call the fire depar-*Whack!* Ow!"
"Silence Sasuke! Whoever wrote this drivel is apparently incapable of being brief. I will skip to the final sentence. 'Anyway, that's why your Buddha statue is covered in fish scales and has a spraypainted mohawk now; don't bother trying to charge me for the damage, and don't you dare even think of bothering my innocent and loving brother, Ataru, because if you do I'll beat your ass all the way to Taiwan. Sincerely, Ranma Saotome.' " Kuno twitched.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Ranma? Pardon Master, but I actually believe it was-"
"RANMA!!!" Kuno yelled, gritting his teeth and throwing his arms into the air, "you have crossed the final line, wretch!! I will track you down and squeeze the life from your bones!!" Then he noticed something on the bottom of the letter, which he was holding in the air within his clenched fist. "What's this? 'PS: I noticed a girl's room while I was looking around your house for neat stuff to loot. Do you have a sister, and, if so, is she hot?' " Kuno twitched again. Then he took some writing materials out of his pockets and set them next to him. "Sasuke! Take a letter!"
The Ninja retainer gulped, and cast a final look at the Kuno household before sighing and squatting down next to his master, taking up the brush.
"'Dear most foul enemy: I see naught in this criminal act but a clear and despicable declaration of blood feud, and I will respond in kind. I will come to thee to take your life soon, though my offense will be an open challenge, and not cowardly sabotage. I invite thee to spend thy remaining moments living life to the fullest extent possible, as I will soon extinguish your mortal flame, and do not wish to deprive you of ample time to prepare for death. Best wishes until I destroy you, Tatewaki Kuno.' " Kuno then cleared his throat. " 'PS: While my sister Kodachi does possess an attractive bodice, I would strongly advise thee to take thy affections elsewhere, as her personality leaves much to be desired.' "
Sasuke sighed as he finished writing the letter, knowing full well that no good would come of this.
Kuno let a lone tear escape from his eyes as he gripped his hand into a fist and looked up at the heavens. 'Ranma Saotome, you will pay dearly for this offense!'
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Ah, Earth! It's been far too long since I've last been here!" Mr. Invader grinned as his command ship floated over Nerima at a leisurely pace, the entire might of the royal Oni space fleet floating along behind it. Then he sighed. "It's quite unfortunate really. Lum was somewhat interested in this marriage proposal I had going. But if the Senate says Earth's gotta go, then Earth's gotta go."
The giant alien leaned back in his command chair, rubbing his chin. "I just hope I don't run into the hero of the Earth again. That would be quite awkward, at this point."
"SIR!! We have a serious problem!!" An technician shouted from his post, obviously panicking.
"What?! What is it?!" Mr. Invader jumped up from his command chair, looking up wildly.
The technician gulped. "S-Sir... we're blind! Our sensors have been blacked out by a smokescreen!"
Mr. Invader blinked. Then he blinked again. Then he growled and grabbed the technician by the front of his tiger-striped jumpsuit.
"What are you talking about?! We have the most advanced sensors in the galaxy! Immune to the most sophisticated forms of jamming and countermeasures! Why, they have only one weakness at all!" Suddenly his eyes widened in horror. "No..."
The technician sighed and nodded slowly. "Yes. A large wood fire sprung up directly below us as we were cruising, and we were directly in the center of the heat vortex when we were hit."
Mr. Invader let go of his subordinate, slowly backing away. "Burnt carbon fiber, delivered in a concentrated stream at a temperature just higher than the that of the air around it... Curses! How did they know?!"
The technician shrugged helplessly as other crew members scrambled about in panic. "It seems impossible for them to have gathered that information, but somehow they did. And then they managed to trap us in their primitive smokescreen using a method that we couldn't possibly see coming: a sudden bonfire that was ignited right below our path at exactly the right moment."
"These Terrans are tactical geniuses!" Mr. Invader shouted in dismay, sweating slightly. "But no matter! The attack must commence!"
"But what should we do?" A different crew member asked, pointing to the numerous screens around her that displayed static, "all our instruments are scrambled! With this smokescreen up, we can barely see where we're going!"
Mr. Invader started to sweat some more, considering his options. Calling the rest of the fleet and asking them to come out of standby to find them and assist them in flying blind could cause great panic and a huge loss of morale in the main forces, as well as exposing a large, disorganized force to a potentially very organized ambush. Of course, NOT calling them and simply wandering about until they crashed or was taken down by that same ambush wasn't much better.
"Sir? What should we do?"
Mr. Invader sighed. "I'm afraid that I don't have a solution... so I'm going to do what my wife always tells me to do in these situations."
The saucer crew exchanged cautious glances.
"Prepare to land! We're going to ask for directions!"
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"Aw man, you've gotta be kidding me..." Ranma mumbled sourly, watching from a rooftop as the smoke-covered saucer slowly began to land in the backyard of the Tendo Dojo. "Figures they'd land where we're staying. Stupid aliens."
Ranma was about to go back home to investigate, when something down the street caught his eye. Ataru was running around in circles with a large, bulging sack over his back, being chased by an unusually large crocodile with a collar that said [Mr. Green Turtle] on it.
Ranma immediately forgot about the UFO, and scratched his chin as he decided whether to save his brother or sit back and watch.
Eventually duty won out over amusement, and Ranma jumped across the rooftops toward Ataru's position. Then he made a final leap off of the last house, and landed in a crushing two-legged stomp right on the large reptile's head.
Ataru blinked, then grinned. "Hey, thanks! That stupid thing's been chasing me for a while now! Every time I think I've lost it, it finds me again. I think it smelled something in my sack of swag."
"Yes, speaking of swag sacks..." Ranma sighed, jerking his head toward the column of smoke rising into the air, "it wasn't anybody I liked, was it?"
Ataru snorted. "It was Kuno."
Ranma nodded, apparently deeming the act of destruction and theft acceptable. "All right then. Find any good stuff?"
Ataru dropped the bag in front of him and started rifling through it. "Not so much good as valuable. This'll fetch some mighty good cookies."
"......... Do you mean actual cookies, or are you using that as a metaphor that I probably don't want to hear explained?"
"Take your pick," Ataru muttered, swinging the sack back over his shoulder. "By the way, did you see a bunch of UFOs pass by here?"
Ranma nodded. "Yeah. One of them got lost in the smoke and just landed in the Tendos' backyard."
"You're kidding!" Ataru exclaimed, his eyes widening. "Whoa... alien invaders dropping by the place where we're staying..." he paused and let that sink in for a moment. "So, are we going to go home now and investigate, or should we check into a hotel until everything's over?"
"I would advise you check into a hotel. For as long as possible, actually."
Both Ranma and Ataru blinked, then turned around to look at who had spoken.
A short old man stood behind them, standing in the middle of the street. He was wearing the clothes of a Buddhist monk, complete with a monk's staff and a large conical straw hat.
Ranma resisted a sudden, inexplicable urge to punt the old man like a football. "Uh... who are you?"
"My name is Cherry, a wandering monk," the elderly man explained, "and you two are doomed!"
Ranma and Ataru stared blankly at the man for a moment.
Soon, Ranma broke the silence. "Oh yeah, I'm doomed all right. Doomed to spend the rest of my life putting up with freaks."
Ataru shrugged. "Okay, fair enough. So... why are we doomed?"
"I can see it in your features!" Cherry exclaimed, shuddering, "such horrible luck! You must have been born under a terrible sign!" Then Cherry cocked his head to one side. "But you both have precisely the same luck! How is it you were both born under identical signs?"
Ranma sighed deeply. "We're fraternal twins. I'm only a few minutes older than Ataru."
"Ah, I see. You have my sympathies," Cherry said, bowing.
"For having the same sign, or being his brother?" Ranma asked.
"Oh, the hell with this!" Ataru yelled, stomping away toward the dojo, "this is stupid! I have swag to pawn off; I don't have time to waste listening to this superstitious stuff!"
"NO!!!" Cherry yelled in horror, "don't go that way! Any way but that way! That path leads to the very worst luck!"
Ataru flinched and stopped, and then shrugged and turned around.
"NO!!! Stop you fool! You'll be killed!!"
Ataru twitched, and turned ninety degrees to the right.
"Oh, the horror! Please, I beg of you, halt!!"
"WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GO IF EVERY DIRECTION IS BAD LUCK?!?!" Ataru screeched, fuming.
Cherry leaned on his staff, shaking his head. "Oh, the sorrow... to face such terrible circumstances at such a young age."
"I've heard enough," Ranma muttered, walking past Cherry toward his brother.
"No! You mustn't! You'll simply follow him into the depths of misfortune!"
"Believe me, I'm used to it by now," Ranma assured the old monk sourly.
"You don't understand!" Cherry insisted, shaking his head, "I see a dark curse upon you! People like yourselves are plagued by terrible luck all their lives, but today I can sense the energies peaking! If you continue on your current path..." Cherry trailed off as he noticed Ranma and Ataru split up, each one stepping onto the nearest sidewalk. "Uh... why are you-" *WHAM!!*
Ranma and Ataru watched as Cherry sailed into the sky, courtesy of a 1995 Mitsubishi.
"I guess age doesn't bring wisdom after all, if he hasn't even learned not to stand in the middle of the road without paying attention," Ranma concluded, heading off for the Tendo Dojo.
Ataru snorted. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. Hell, I'm doing better than ever! I even got a date this past week!"
Ranma nodded. "True. You even got lucky, didn't you?"
Ataru blinked, then sighed. "Yeah, I wish."
"Well, she agreed to go out with you again, didn't she?"
"Yeah..."
"I'd call that pretty darn lucky for you," Ranma concluded, "now let's go find those aliens."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Mr. Invader, attended to by a pair of embarrassed Oni officers, sweatdropped and twiddled his thumbs as Genma held his face in his hands. Across the room, Soun and Nabiki gaped at the exchange going on. Kasumi and Akane were the only ones with calm demeanor; the former because she needed to be polite for her guests, and the latter because she had decided that the aliens were merely the latest batch of hallucinations she had been suffering recently.
"Come on! We had a deal! You weren't supposed to invade Earth!" Genma insisted, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at the giant in front of him crossly.
Mr. Invader sighed, cursing his luck. Out of all the places he could have landed to inquire about the location of the capital, why did he have to land at the residence of the hero of the Earth? "Uh... well, I'm sorry Mr. Hero, but some other things came up, and it turns out I have to conquer Earth now. If I don't, they might slap me with a court martial and start slashing the Oni military budget!"
Nabiki twitched. " 'Mr. Hero'?"
"I'm not interested in your selfish excuses!" Genma shouted sternly, "we had a deal, and I expect you to honor it! After all, I've upheld my part of the bargain!" he smirked slightly.
"Ah, so you have a son after all," Mr. Invader said, "well... maybe they can be married anyway! Why, I'll even grant your family a reprieve and not make you slaves!"
Soun's eyes bulged. "Married? What?! Saotome, what is the meaning of this?!"
Genma coughed loudly, holding up a hand in front of Soun's face. "Not NOW, Tendo..." Then he turned toward the Oni leader we had a DEAL, alien, and if you're going to ignore your obligation, I'm certainly not going to uphold mine." Underneath his bandanna, Genma was sweating. He desperately hoped that the alien wanted the engagement enough to forestall the attack, but if he didn't, Genma had no doubt that he would accept any chance he had of getting out of slavery.
"Well, I am sorry to hear that... but I simply can't call off this invasion! It was ordered by the Senate! Turning back now could be construed as an act of treason! I hope you understand, but it has significant precedence over our childrens' union!" Mr. Invader sighed deeply. "Now, can someone please tell me how to get to your national capitol? I have a war to attend to."
"Oh! Certainly!" Kasumi put down the tray of tea and began writing down directions on a pad of paper to hand to the alien.
Genma was sweating now. The only option left to save the Earth that he could see would be to demand a chance to fight as hero of the Earth, like he had been called upon to do last time, and take on the entire Oni invasion force himself. Yeah, right.
"Pardon me, sir," of the officers said, distracting his superior from his brooding, "but if you do seek a way to spare Earth... there IS an obscure diplomatic code that you could employ. It would probably not be of any use to these Terrans, but it's better than nothing, I suspect."
"Hm? What's that?" Mr. Invader asked.
"Well, according to planetary conquest rulebook #3, chapter 21, paragraph 8, interplanetary diplomatic marriages are considered of borderline import when considering invasion plans, and can be used to nullify the wartime declaration."
The humans in the room sweatdropped, but their attentions remained riveted on the officer.
"Specifically, the code calls for a contest of skill between the bride and groom. Theoretically, even though they're married, neither will want his or her race to lose and be shamed, though supposedly, if one member of the union loves the other enough, he or she will forfeit, resulting in a fluke outcome." The officer shrugged. "It's a rather absurd code of conduct, which is why it isn't utilized often."
"Well it will be utilized now!" Genma shouted, "what test of skill is required?!"
"Speed and coordination," the officer explained, "the groom will have ten days to catch the bride. On each day they are to start at the same time, with the bride given a four-meter head start. If the groom fails to touch a certain part of the bride, in this case, her horns, before she reaches a certain 'safe point', in this case, her flying saucer, then that day's race is concluded as a win for the bride's race. If, at any point, the groom race manages to successfully touch the horns of the bride during the designated racing period, then he and his race is automatically hailed as the victor."
"So..." Nabiki rolled the description of events over in her head, "it's a game of tag?"
"Precisely." The humans sweatdropped.
"And this will allow me to legally withdraw from Earth?" Mr. Invader asked hopefully.
"And this will save me from becoming either a slave or a cowardly outcast?" Genma asked more hopefully.
The officer shrugged. "Potentially. Though I question any Terran's ability to keep up with us."
"HA!!" Genma laughed, grinning, "you just wait! My sons happen to be two of the fastest people you'll ever meet!"
Mr. Invader blinked. "Sons? As in more than one?"
Genma nodded. "That's right. I happen to have two of them. So, if things do work out, I can honor our agreement and still keep my promise to you, Tendo."
Soun frowned, then sighed. "I suppose you're right, Saotome. This is the future of all of mankind, after all."
"Very well then!" Mr. Invader yelled, and then tapped a communicator on his wrist. "Lum? Could you come down here please? We have a little proposition to discuss concerning the fate of the Earth..."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Ranma stopped short as his hand reached out for the doorknob, and cast a hesitant look out at the tiger-striped flying saucer sitting in the backyard, its normally shiny metal surface dusty with ash.
"Come on, come on! I wanna see what the aliens look like! Hundred yen says they have tentacles!"
"Tentacles?" Ranma scoffed, opening the door, "what is this, a hentai flick?"
"If only," Ataru sighed sadly, shifting the weight of the sack on his shoulders.

"Hey Pop," Ranma greeted casually as he entered the living room, and mentally cursed as he looked at the aliens. 'No tentacles. Dang, should've taken that bet.' "Welcome to Earth, fellas," with that general greeting, Ranma turned toward the stairs and headed toward his room.
"Now wait Ranma! Don't leave just yet!" Genma shouted, grabbing his son by the back of the shirt.
Ranma blinked. "Why not? They wanna talk to me or something?"
"Indeed we do, young man," Mr. Invader said, grinning.
Ataru was still at the doorway to the living room, having peeked in rather than simply entered (he wasn't so confident in his ability to protect himself should the invaders prove hostile). When he caught sight of the aliens, he was perplexed at first. And then he caught sight of the female, who was standing at the back, smiling.
Bare, luscious curves greeted him as his eyes traveled over every inch of her body, which was insufficiently clothed in a bikini that appeared to be made of tiger fur. The girl's round, perky breasts settled perfectly in the revealing bra, allowing any beholder to see an eyeful of cleavage no matter their perspective. Finally, the head revealed a cute face with flawless complexion, framed by long tresses of dark green hair, the sideburns of which were wrapped into twin odangos that hung loosely next to the alien's chest.
Ataru was amazed that these aliens were so human-like; in fact, the only way he could tell she wasn't of his species was that she had elongated canines, and also possessed two short, little yellow horns that sat upon her head.
"Tag?" Ranma asked, snapping Ataru out of his drooling catatonia.

Mr. Invader nodded. "That's right. If you win, then the Earth will be spared without my suffering any legal penalties. If you lose, then all of mankind is doomed to an eternity of enslavement and suffering."
Ranma raised an eyebrow as he looked at the gigantic alien before him. "I don't think that's gonna be a problem. I mean, seriously, you guys have mastered interplanetary space travel, but you haven't figured out how to build a treadmill yet? You see, we humans have this wonderful invention called a 'gym'-"
*Ahem!* Genma cleared his throat, bigsweating, "Ranma, I don't think it's the best time to be cracking jokes like that..."
"I 'aint joking," Ranma insisted, crossing his arms over his chest, "I can't play tag with this weather balloon! Hell, if I just closed my eyes and ran in a random direction, I'd have a 50-50 chance to touch him!" A vein popped up on Mr. Invader's head, and he clenched his hands into fists.
"Maybe," said a feminine voice from behind the overweight extraterrestrial, "but it won't be him you'll be facing."
Ranma frowned as a teenage girl stepped out from behind Mr. Invader and openly appraised him.
"So you're the son of the hero of Earth, huh? I guess I could do worse."
A large sweatdrop rolled down Ranma's head. "The son of WHO?"
Genma chuckled and clapped Ranma on the shoulders. "Never mind that, boy! The point is, you're going to get to play tag with this lovely young woman!"
The alien nodded. "My name is Lum! You'll have ten days to touch my horns in a game of tag, or you lose!" She giggled and winked at him.
"So that's your game, huh?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow. Then he smirked, and extended a hand for Lum to shake. "All right Miss alien, I'll-"
"NO!! LET ME DO IT!!" Ataru yelled, launching himself forward and grabbing onto Ranma's leg.
"Wh-What the?" Ranma blinked in surprise as Ataru began begging at him.
"Please! Please! PLEASE let me play tag with her!!"
Ranma sweatdropped. "Gee, I wonder why you're so eager," Ranma deadpanned, "don't you think that this is a job more suited for me?"
"What, are you joking?!" Ataru yelled, indignant, "NOBODY can best Ataru Saotome at chasing girls!"
Sitting nearby on the other side of the dinner table, Akane began to tremble violently, and cracks began to appear in the tea cup in her hands.
"I'm afraid that's out of the question!" Soun said sternly, his arms crossed over his chest. "Ataru will marry Akane, and that's final!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" The occupants of the room, with the exception of Kasumi, all fell over backward as Akane screamed at the top of her lungs, waving her arms around like a madwoman.
"The dark hand! It's coming for me!! Don't let it get me!! AIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!" Still screeching at the top of her lungs, Akane turned around and fled up the stairs to her room.

Kasumi sighed. "Oh my. It looks like Akane needs her medicine again." Opening the closet next to the living room, she withdrew a dart gun, a hypodermic dart, and a bottle of horse tranquilizer before heading up the stairs herself, expertly preparing the device in her arms for use as she went. Everyone left in the room sweatdropped.
Ranma shrugged his shoulders. "Truth be told, she's taking the prospect of marrying Ataru way better than I thought she would, considering how much she hates perverts." Everyone else left in the room sweatdropped again.
It was about this time that Nabiki noticed Ataru's sack, which had opened when Ataru had dropped it to attach himself to Ranma's leg. "Whoa, what's this? Where'd you get all this stuff?"
"That's a donation to the 'Please don't burn down my house again' fund," Ataru stated simply, letting go of his brother and sitting down cross-legged, "it's a very worthy cause. Well, if you don't have insurance, anyway."
*Ahem!* Mr. Invader cleared his throat, focusing all attention in the room on him. "Can we get back to business now?"
"Oh, right!" Ranma said, clapping his hands together. He promptly turned toward Soun. "What does Ataru's engagement have to do with this?"
Soun opened his mouth to reply, only to have Genma shove him aside and answer before he could.
"Nothing, really! Nothing at all! Soun was just worried that Ataru would... you know... take advantage of the situation... and then Akane would... er, get... mad... or something." Genma trailed off shrugging, and Ranma raised an eyebrow.
"While that actually is a believable excuse, you said it in a really unbelievable way," Ranma said dryly, "what are you hiding?"
"Uh, pardon me, but can I see you two gentlemen for a moment?" Genma and Soun turned away as the officer who had originally come up with this whole stupid plan beckoned to them, and walked over, eventually falling into a huddle with the officer and Mr. Invader.

"Now, realistically, since this marriage is pending, both of the boys are technically an option, right?" Mr. Invader asked.
Soun opened his mouth to protest. Genma slapped a hand over his mouth and nodded.
"Well then," the large Oni explained, "since the race has no legal connection with the marriage, whoever races my daughter doesn't necessarily have to marry her. In this case, both boys are considered eligible fiances, and thus eligible contestants. The engagement is separate from the race, so the actual marriage arrangements have nothing to do with this."
"All technically true," the subordinate Oni said, shrugging. "We're bending the conquest codes as it is, so I'm certain that little technicality doesn't make any difference."
Soun frowned. "I still don't like it! Saotome, you saw how he was looking at that girl! What if he tries something with her?"
Genma rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm sure that it would just shatter poor little Akane's heart to see Ataru touch another woman," he said sarcastically. After only a week, the Tendo/Saotome agreement was starting to look bad even to him. "Ataru will race. Ranma will marry. Deal?"
Mr. Invader grinned and nodded. "Deal!"

Ranma frowned, unable to hear the hushed whispering coming from the huddle across the room. "I don't like this."
"Well it's too late now," Ataru insisted, "you already said I could race her!" *Thonk!* "Ow!"
"FIRST of all," Ranma began, raising his fist from Ataru's head, "I never said you could take my place, I only didn't turn you down yet. SECOND of all, that wasn't what I was talking about!"
Ataru snorted, focusing most of his attention on alien teenager across the room behind the huddle. "What, you're worried about what Pop and Mr. Tendo are gonna cook up? Get real!"
"The last time Pop came up with a stupid idea, I had to electrocute the principal and ended up burning the school down," Ranma reasoned.
"That wasn't entirely his fault."
"Yeah, but I'm entirely blaming it on him."
Ataru nodded sagely, and began rifling through his sack of swag, searching for an object that could be used as a weapon if Ranma's hunch proved correct. He wasn't planning on using it, but it was always more fun to see Ranma lay the smackdown with a heavy blunt object in hand.
"Well, we've decided!" Genma and Soun faced their children along with the aliens. "Ataru will race against Lum!"
"SCORE!!" Ataru shouted, pumping his fist in the air. Then he pointed at Lum, a bit of drool escaping from his lips. "You're MINE, babe!"
Lum smirked, posing seductively as she leaned back on the wall. "I might not be so easy to catch."
"Forget it baby! Nothing's going to keep me away from you!" Ataru leered, still drooling.
Ranma calmly placed a hand under his brother's jaw and pushed it up, stemming the flow of saliva. "Save some drive for the actual race, woudja? Yeesh."
With a disgusted grunt, Ranma shoved his hands in his pockets and walked upstairs.
'This has the makings of a HUGE disaster...'
__________________________________________________________________________________

*And here we are, live, at the scene of a match that will determine the fate of mankind itself!*
Ranma looked up at the loudspeakers expressionlessly as he stood on the side of the starting line. The short section of road had been outfitted with a number of grandstands for spectators, and commentators were stationed in towers on the right side of the street with their microphones wired into temporary speaker towers.
Next to him, Shinobu Miyake stood with her hands clasped together anxiously, awaiting the beginning of the race.
Ranma looked over at her. "So, you're Shinobu, huh? I'm Ranma."
"Oh! Hello!" Shinobu bowed, and Ranma returned it. "So you're Ataru's brother? He's told me so much about you!"
Ranma nodded. "For his sake, I won't tell you anything about him." Then he moved his face a little closer to hers.
Shinobu blinked and leaned backward as Ranma stared into her eyes, a bit uncomfortable. "Uh... is there something wrong?"
"Naw. Sorry about that." Ranma turned back toward the race, his hands in his pockets. "It's just that I've never met a girl that could actually stand to go on a date with Ataru. I admire that kind of iron will. I really do. To actually have the patience to look past... well... who he is, basically, and look for... uh...... well, point is, you actually like him."
Shinobu sweatdropped. "He's not THAT bad..."
Ranma swallowed nervously, and began to twiddle his thumbs, an action that utterly confused Shinobu.
"I guess... what I'm trying to say is..."
Shinobu began to feel nervous herself as Ranma looked her in the eyes again.
"PLEASE don't break up with him!" Ranma finally asked, clasping his hands together and falling to his knees in a begging position. "He's been so much more tolerable this past week! Just, keep going out with him, please!"
*Thud!* With her face planted firmly on the sidewalk, Shinobu failed to reply.

Ataru chuckled darkly as he stood at the starting line, his eyes fixed on the rear of the girl in front of him. 'This is going to be SO awesome!' Ataru was giddy with excitement. Chasing girls had been a lifetime hobby for him, and a rather unrewarding one at that. The chance to finally utilize his most prized skill (one with absolutely no practical application) in a contest to save the world was simply an opportunity he couldn't pass up.
Lum turned toward him and winked, causing a shudder of excitement to surge through the young lecher's body.
"I hope you're ready to run, terran!" Lum taunted, sticking her tongue out playfully.
Ataru grinned. "I'm always ready to run!"
*And here we have the beginning of the race of the century!* A loudspeaker next to the track blasted, *Ataru Saotome has ten races to run in ten days, in which time he must manage to catch the alien princess Lum and touch her horns, or all of Earth is subject to extraterrestrial invasion and domination! Usually us commentators are supposed to remain neutral on who the winner will be, but I think that given the circumstances, I can speak for most here when I say that Ataru had better damn well win this thing!*
A lone man then walked up to the starting line, and then raised a pistol into the air.
*We'd like to take this time to remind you that Yamada's Bean Cake & Pastry Shoppe will be open late hours tonight, and is having a special 'end of the world 1/2 off' sale! Japan's best bean cakes, at 1/2 off! Buy now, before all of humanity is enslaved! Remember Yamada's motto: There are no beans in forced labor camps!*
*Blam!!*
Ataru started off at a slow jog as the gun went off, and grinned expectantly as Lum simply stood her ground, watching him.
Even as Ataru sped up slightly, Ranma was already shaking his head on the sidelines, knowing that the alien princess was up to something.
Ataru, however, had never let little things like that stop him.
"Gotcha!" he yelled, lunging for the scantily-clad competitor. He was amazed that he hadn't even had to use his near-superhuman running speed, and was almost curious as to why Lum taunted him so much, if she was just going to give up.
*Thud!* He was also amazed at how his opponent zipped upward into the air out of his reach, apparently free from any restraint posed by gravity.
"Wh-What?!" Ataru gasped, watching as the greenhead stuck her tongue out at him. "No fair! Nobody told me you could fly!"
Lum giggled as she floated ten feet up in the air, hugging her legs to herself. "You didn't do your homework!"
"Oh, right! Like anyone can just walk to the local library and look up 'traits of supernatural alien babes'!" Ataru protested, shaking a fist in the air angrily.
Lum stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry.
Ataru grit his teeth. 'This... is not what I expected...'
Ataru Saotome's inarguably superhuman agility and speed was of a very peculiar nature. Besides the fact that his ability to dodge and zip around with impossible fluidity and skill was apparently a function totally independent from his brain (which was probably a good thing, anyway), his jumping ability was something of half that of his brother's, and roughly a tenth as graceful. When running, Ataru was an easy match for anyone, but once the contest left the ground he was in unfamiliar territory.
This was once again testament to Genma's complete and utter failure to impress the offensive aspects of Anything-Goes upon him, as the style specialized in mid-air combat and maneuvers. But then again, Ataru had understandably made the assumption that all he'd use it for is chasing girls (which was correct), and that those girls would be, if anything, more solidly Earthbound than he would (concerning this matter he was wrong, though it's difficult to imagine how he could have predicted otherwise).

'Uh oh. Maybe I should have left this to Ranma after all,' Ataru thought, sweating as he scratched his head.
Just three meters away and above the young lecher, Lum floated in lazy somersaults, obviously taunting her opponent to prevent the whole race from getting to boring.
Ataru frowned at this, and then crouched down in preparation to run again. Lum had a definite advantage, but she was still underestimating him. He hadn't revealed his full speed to her, and if things came down to him jumping wildly to try and snag her, she wasn't too high up for him. Maybe he could still grab her!
Lum started flying away backwards as she saw Ataru break out into a jog. "Is that all you have? If I'm too high for you, I can fly lower!"
"Could you? Please?" Ataru asked hopefully, smiling in a manner that he hoped looked grateful rather than malicious.
Laughing at him, Lum floated down a bare meter off the ground, still facing her opponent.
*Whoosh!* Like a bullet, Ataru blasted forward, diving for the alien princess before she even got the chance to realize that she was vulnerable.
*Glomp* "WOO HOO!!"

*ATARU SAOTOME HAS DONE IT!!!* The speaker tower blasted triumphantly, *WITHIN TWO MINUTES OF THE BEGINNING OF THE RACE, ATARU HAS SUCCESSFULLY GRABBED PRINCESS LUM'S... uh......* The excited voice trailed off weakly.
"ATARU, YOU IDIOT!!" Ranma yelled from the sidelines, "not THOSE 'horns'! Touch the ones on her head! HER HEAD!! HER-"
Before he could finish screaming, Lum suddenly emitted a powerful lightning field around herself, causing all the spectators to shield their eyes from the bright lights as Ataru learned firsthand what it felt like to be a major semiconductor.
Ranma sighed as the fried husk that was his brother hit the asphalt, physically paralyzed and mentally dazed.
Lum was red with anger and embarrassment as she glared at her foe. "You... you pervert! I'm leaving!" She immediately suited actions to words, heading off for her spaceship at top speed without giving Ataru a chance to recover and give chase.

Ataru twitched as he lied on the ground, his muscles spasming from the electric bursts. He hadn't been expecting that, but still...
'That was SO worth it,' he thought, grinning as he recalled with crystal clarity the feel of Lum's exquisite breasts, supported by their soft, warm tiger-skin brassiere.
"I hope you got a GOOD feel, bro. 'Cause you just blew the element of surprise." Ranma stared down at him, his arms across his chest. "You're screwed now."
'Well, it was pretty much worth it,' Ataru amended in his head.
"Just what were you doing back there?!" Shinobu yelled, stalking up next to Ranma and glaring down at her sort-of boyfriend. "Ogling other women on a date is bad enough, but to just reach out and grab one...!" Shinobu grit her teeth, and balled her hands into fists.
Ataru gulped and sat up, having recovered from the shock. "No! No! It wasn't like that! I was just trying to get a good handhold so that I could go for the horns!"
"Yeah," Ranma snorted, "and then you got such a good handhold, you forgot all about the horns."
"Hey! That's not... uh... well..." Ataru tried to protest, but had to stop to think of an excuse for why he had given up an advantage of over six seconds. "Er... you know, she has a really big pair! It took time to get a good grip on 'em!"
*Slap!*
Ataru winced at the red handprint on his cheek as Shinobu stalked away. 'Okay, fine. The grope was almost worth it.'
Then he noticed that a new crowd had gathered around him. One composed largely of people he didn't know, but who seemed understandably angry.
'Okay, fine. This blows.' Ataru grinned weakly as one man grabbed him by the collar and hauled him up.
"Just what the hell were you thinking, you jerk?!"
"You'd sacrifice the future of the human race for a cheap feel?!"
"You moron! We should just lynch you now and save everybody the pain of watching you screw up!"
"Stop toying with the future of the Earth, you creep!"
"Let's beat him up!"
"Kill the idiot!"
Ataru chuckled weakly as the man in front of him reared back a fist. "Oh, come on now! Boys will be boys!"
"In a minute, this boy'll be paste!" The man punched forward for Ataru's head, only to strike thin air. Blinking, the nameless spectator realized that he was now only holding a shirt, and that his victim was nowhere to be found.
"Hey! Where'd he go?!"
"Look around! He couldn't have gone far!"
"Over there! Behind the car!"
"Let's see how fast that little punk can really run!"

Ranma sweatdropped as he watched the crowd chase after him, then shrugged and headed back toward the dojo. Ataru had always been good at escaping angry mobs. He'd be fine. Eventually.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Ranma chuckled slightly as he read the letter in his hand. "Kuno's declaring a blood feud? Oh boy..."
Nabiki raised an eyebrow as she munched on some crackers. "Wow. Sounds like he's going all-out for real this time. He's done challenges before, but nothing this serious." She stopped to think for a moment. "Blood feud, huh? What does that mean, exactly?"
Ranma snorted. "It means that now I don't have to wait for him to do something stupid before I beat him up." He crumpled the message into a ball in his hands and then tossed it in a wastebasket in the corner.
"Hm. I can tell you're real worried," Nabiki said dryly, eating another cracker.
Ranma leaned backwards, shrugging. "Kuno isn't much of a threat to me. Besides... right now, there are more important things to worry about." Without any sort of subtlety, he poked Ataru, who was sitting at the table next to him with his head face-down on the wooden surface.
Though the young lecher didn't seem to be injured, his clothes were ripped and dirty in several places, and he looked horribly exhausted.
"That's a good point," Nabiki admitted, jabbing Ataru's head with her finger. "You planning on winning that race, Mr. 'World's Best Girl-Chaser'?"
Ataru groaned. Then he sat up. "Ranma... PLEASE take my place! You can take her, I know you can!"
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "What happened to 'nobody's better than me at chasing girls'?"
"I am the best at chasing girls!" Ataru insisted, "but you're the one who's good at catching them!"
Ranma and Nabiki sweatdropped.
"Kind of late to figure that out now, isn't it?" Nabiki questioned.
"Not if Ranma takes my place!" Ataru protested, grabbing his brother's hands in his own. "PLEASE!! You gotta do this! Not for me, but for all of humanity!"
Ranma sighed and snatched his hands away. "Stop begging, you twit. Yeah, I know more than just your ass is riding on this race, but I can't do it for you."
Nabiki nodded reluctantly. "Yeah, I suppose if he doesn't learn to solve problems on his own, he won't get anywhere in life, huh?"
"I don't care about that," Ranma clarified, "but I asked one of those Oni guys about switching runners and he said that I couldn't substitute once the race had begun. The whole thing is on Ataru's shoulders now."
Nabiki sweatdropped. "We're screwed then, huh?"
Ranma nodded somberly. Next to him, Ataru let his head fall back on the table as he returned to swimming in self-pity and hopelessness.
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*
Kasumi's footsteps could be heard down the hallway as she answered the door. "Oh, hello! Can I help you?"
"If it's for me, I'm not here!" Ataru yelled, loud enough to be heard clearly from the front door.
After a few moments, Kasumi walked into the dining room, and Ranma blinked in surprise when he saw who followed her in. "Hey, look! Apple's still alive!"
Cherry cleared his throat. "It's Cherry, not Apple."
"Whatever. You okay? You still have a license plate imprint on your forehead."
Cherry shook his head. "That's not important right now. I hear that great misfortune has befallen you, just as I predicted."
"Well congratulations, Nostradamus," Ataru mumbled sourly, "now did you have anything helpful to say, or did you just stop by to gloat?"
"Unfortunately, I can do little to aid one so horribly cursed as yourself," Cherry admitted, sitting down, "however, I can offer you my blessings, and perhaps look into the source of the deep misfortune you two share." He turned as Kasumi placed a cup of tea in front of him. "Thank you."
Nabiki frowned. "What does his curse have to do with anything?"
"Why, it's the cause of all their misfortune!" Cherry said sadly, nodding his head. "From here, things can only get worse. However, I will stay and offer what assistance I can."
Ranma sweatdropped. "Stay? You mean, like, stay here?"
Cherry sipped his tea as he nodded. "No thanks is necessary. It is my duty to help those in need." He then turned toward Kasumi. "I've been told you're an excellent cook."
Nabiki, Ranma, and Ataru all sweatdropped.
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 2)
*And they're off! The alien Lum seems to be taking no chances this time, shooting straight off toward her spaceship! Ataru is in hot pursuit! HE'S ALMOST GOT HER!! HE'S... he's done for...*

Ataru groaned as he skidded across the concrete on his face, having missed his lunge.
'Damn... I need a new strategy...'
__________________________________________________________________________________

Nabiki sweatdropped as Cherry scarfed down yet another plate of sweet potatoes. "So, how long are you going to be staying, again?"
*Snarf* *Gulp* *Chomp* "Unhil Aharu'sh hroublesh haff *Smack* *Chomp* resholfed demshelvsh."
Soun's left eye twitched. "You realize, of course, that if his troubles 'resolve' themselves the way they appear to be working out, the both of us will be shipped off to a forced labor camp, right?"
Cherry stopped to think about that, then nodded. *Gulp* "You're right." Then he stood up and adjusted his robes with one hand with his other holding up his staff, a look of determination and zeal across his features.
"Then we must not make light of the time we have left! TONIGHT WE HAVE SUKIYAKI!!"
Nabiki and Soun facefaulted.
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 3)
Ataru took a deep breath as he slipped on his new shoes, their glossy white surface gleaming in the morning sunshine.
'According to the cheap and uninformative ad in front of the store, these shoes have some vague but infinitely superior technology backing up their construction, and will somehow double my running speed and endurance!' he gripped his hand into a fist. 'That alien bimbo is going down!'
*Blam!!* *AND THERE'S THE STARTING GUN!!!*
"You're MINE, Lum!" Ataru shouted, taking off at a full sprint.
*Thud!* And promptly falling flat on his face, having tripped over a loose shoelace.
__________________________________________________________________________________

*Pow!* *Thwack!* Ranma hummed lightly to himself as he broke through Kuno's defenses with a short combo, jabbing him lightly and pulled back as the kendoist's katana sliced through the space his head had been moments before.
"Knave! I have you!" Kuno shouted, pulling back for a lightning thrust. Given that his short rivalry with the Saotomes had escalated to blood feud status, Kuno had, naturally, exchanged his normal wooden practice weapon for the Kuno family blade. As if it made any difference.
Ranma moved left and right as quickly as his opponent stabbed at him, twisting his upper torso while standing on one foot, which remained rooted in place.
Kuno, having taken many small, but painful hits up until then, quickly exhausted the last of his energy from using his most vicious (and draining) offensive tactic, and let up his thrusts to put all his remaining strength into a vertical chop.
"Too easy." Ranma caught the blade coming down between two fingers, holding it easily against Kuno's depleted strength. "Well, looks like I win."
"What?!" Kuno shouted, outraged, "not while I'm still conscious, you don't!"
Ranma stared at him, then shrugged. "Fine. Have it your way."

Ignoring the ensuing carnage in the backyard of the Tendo homestead, Ataru was moping in the room he shared with his brother.
"Oh man, oh man, oh man... why did I agree to this... this is all Pop's fault... why the hell did aliens have to land in OUR backyard..."
*Crunch* *Crunch* *Gulp* Cherry swallowed the chocolate chip cookies he was eating, and patted Ataru on the back. "There, there. *Crunch* *Crunch* Your suffering will soon be over. *Crunch* *Gulp* I mean, after they put us all in chains and have us working mines, how much trouble could you get into?"
Ataru grit his teeth, and glared at the saucer-shaped shadow that floated over the distant horizon. "Could you AT LEAST pretend like I have a chance?! It might help my morale a little bit if everybody didn't talk to me like I personally sold out humanity!"
*Munch* *Crunch* "In all fairness, *Gulp* I was told that you DID insist on replacing a more worthy candidate *Chomp* *Crunch* just so that you could get a chance to touch your opponent."
Ataru grimaced. "Yeah, maybe I did..." then he turned around, his teeth clenched. "But dammit, I don't care about that anymore! One good feel just isn't worth all this grief, plus being a scapegoat for the invasion of the whole bloody PLANET!!" He stood up and gripped his hands into fists. "I don't care if Lum is a babe, she's still the enemy, and I'm not going to let a really nice pair of jugs get between me and the salvation of the human race!! Not any more!!"
Cherry nodded, shoving more cookies into his mouth. *Chomp* *Crunch* *Gulp* "Very inspiring. But you still have to win, you know."
Ataru's optimistic rush immediately fled, and he slumped onto the floor miserably. "Yeah, I know." Then he finally noticed what Cherry was eating. "Hey, where did you find those?"
Cherry stopped eating. "It was right here next to the bed on the far side of the room. Why?"
Ataru blinked. "Are you a good runner? Like, a marathon runner?"
Cherry looked at him oddly, cocking his head to one side. "I'm... fair, I suppose. Again, why?"
"MY COOKIES!! You... you ate them all!"
Cherry jerked in surprise at the shout, then slowly turned to see Ranma standing in the doorway, his aura ablaze with furious might, and a newly acquired katana in his hand.
"I hope you get reincarnated as something small and ugly," Ataru mumbled sourly. Then he thought about that for a moment. "Well, smaller and uglier."
Ataru turned away, not interested in witnessing the second of the two vicious beatdowns that would grace the Tendo compound.
'I must beat Lum! I just have to!'
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 4)
Ataru finished fastening the boots on his feet, and pulled on the metal springs attached to the soles to test them.
Lum stared at him oddly, a bit worried despite herself. Those were large springs; even if they looked to be rather unwieldy, undoubtedly Ataru would be able to jump high enough to catch her.
*Blam!*
*Boing!* Ataru jumped to his feet, and immediately launched himself into the air.
"Ha ha! You're mine now, you... uh..." Ataru looked around him as he reached the apex of his jump, but couldn't see Lum anywhere.
Finally, he glanced behind him, and noticed that she was still standing where she was when the started, watching Ataru with her arms clasped behind her back.
"Hey! Whaddya think you're doing?!" Ataru yelled, "you're supposed to be running away!"
*Boing!* "Whoa!"
Ataru was once again launched into the air, and quickly came to realize that he couldn't exactly control his spring-loaded boots as well as he had hoped.
*Boing!* *Boing!* *Boing!* "Help! Somebody help me! I can't stop!"

Lum giggled as she watched Ranma run after his brother. These races may not have been very challenging, but at least they were funny!
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Why do you think he chases other girls all the time like that?" Shinobu asked irritably, sitting at the Tendo dining room table. Across from her sat Ranma, who was sipping tea calmly, and between them on another side sat Cherry, who was practically mummified with bandages and gauze pads, and had one arm in a sling.
Ranma shrugged, sighing. "Well, obviously he's a pervert, but as for where he gets it from..." he thought hard about it for a moment. "Ataru and I grew up together on the road. Most of the time we trained and slept in forest or mountain regions, or trained in dojos. There weren't any girls around most of the time, so we've never had much experience with them. The longest we were ever around girls were when were little kids, before we did the serious traveling."
He frowned. "Ataru was always really interested in girls, but we really didn't get the chance to meet any, so it didn't really come up much. Until we were fourteen, and worked at this old inn to pay for a room and meal for Pop. After we got most of the work done, the owner told us to take a dip in their hot springs so that we'd be fresh to meet customers."
Ranma grimaced. "Turns out they were mixed baths. Right in the middle of our soak, this attractive 20-year old woman walks in, minding her own business, and obviously pretty comfortable with taking baths with guys while naked. I was pretty embarrassed, but just looked away. Ataru went nuts. His sex drive has been on high gear ever since then, and since we were still on the road up until recently, the isolation made it even worse. He's been a little better since we've gotten back to civilization, but... you know..."
Shinobu nodded slowly, looking somber. She supposed that Ataru had endured a hard life after all; maybe he did deserve some leeway. He was a teenage boy that had grown up without teenage girls. Who's to say that if she had grown up around only women, that she wouldn't be monstrously boy-hungry?
"I guess that makes sense... still... he doesn't deal with girls very well." Shinobu liked being wanted, but she also liked her boyfriend to at least pretend he wanted something other than sex.
"Well, can't fault him for that," Ranma said, leaning backward. "Like I said, we didn't run into many girls, so we didn't really learn how to deal with them."
Shinobu frowned. "You seem to do pretty well."
He shrugged. "Luck. I just treat chicks pretty much like I treat guys, just not as rough. If I just wanted to get into their pants, I'd probably be in the same boat as Ataru."
Shinobu sweatdropped heavily. Given Ranma's rugged good looks, enticing musculature, and no-nonsense personality, she guessed that he could've gotten laid no matter how he "dealt" with women.
"Well, maybe he'll get over it in time. He's not as bad as everyone says."
Ranma snorted. "You kidding?"
Shinobu rolled her eyes. "I'm just saying, maybe I can teach him to respect women, and not drive them crazy."
"Drive them crazy," Ranma repeated in a dead monotone, "Shinobu, you haven't seen crazy. I'll show you crazy."
Ranma turned toward the stairway and took a deep breath. "AKANE!! ATARU'S HIDING UNDER YOUR BED!!"
*CRASH!!* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Akane rushed down the stairs, splinters of her shattered door settling to the floor in her wake.
*CRASH!!* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
"And out the front door," Ranma said before taking a sip of his tea.
Shinobu sweatdropped. "Wow. That's pretty bad."
"No, what's pretty bad is that you'll get the exact same response from her even when she's not in her room."
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 5)
"Intellectually, I think this this a step backward from yesterday," Ranma commented.
"Oh, shut up," Ataru muttered, loading himself into the large wooden catapult. "I'm running out of ideas, okay?"
*Blam!!* The starting gun went off, and Lum slowly floated away backward while keeping her eyes on Ataru, her curiosity overcoming any small fear that Ataru's plan would succeed.
Ataru muttered a brief prayer, and then tugged hard on the rope attached to the catapult arm.
*Wham!* A totally misplaced spring caused the front of the siege engine to jump up high, with the catapult arm still held solidly in place by a number of inappropriately applied nails.
*Crash!* The audience winced as the entire contraption fell apart into a pile of scrap metal and malformed wooden boards, with Ataru buried underneath.
Ranma sweatdropped. "Maybe you shouldn't have built it yourself."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"So anyway," Hiroshi started, scratching the back of his head, "we just wanted to stop by and say that we appreciate all that Ataru is doing for us, and, in fact, all of humanity."
Daisuke nodded graciously. "Other people might say that he's a screw-up and a loser, and blame him for what's happening, but we don't! It's gotta be tough, trying to catch a flying alien chick with the pressure of alien invasion hanging in the balance!"
Ataru grinned as the two schoolboys smiled at him admirably. "Well, thanks! It's nice to know some people appreciate my efforts!" Then his grin faded. "By the way, who are you?"
Hiroshi and Daisuke sweatdropped. "You don't remember us?" "We're in your class at Furinkan."
"Well, it HAS been almost two weeks. Plus, you're not female," Ranma said, shrugging.
"Whatever," Hiroshi said, sidling closer to Ataru, "point is, we wanted to ask you a question."
Ataru blinked. "A question? About what?"
Daisuke sidled over to Ataru's other side. "We heard that on the first day, you caught up with Lum, and sacrificed the moment of surprise to grope her breasts..."
Ataru bigsweated. "*Gulp* Uh... yeah... about that..."
Hiroshi scooted closer. "Never mind. We just want to know, once and for all..."
Daisuke took a deep breath as he prepared to complete the inquiry. "Are her boobs real?"
*Thud!* Group facefault.
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 6)
"You know, I cannot possibly imagine this one turning out right," Ranma deadpanned, watching as his brother finished strapping a large fuse-lit rocket onto his torso.
"Just be quiet!" Ataru shouted, leaning over so that the rocket's head pointed toward an alarmed Lum.
*Blam!!*
Ataru quickly struck a match and lit the rockets fuse as his opponent flew away in a panic, and made sure to keep the rocket head aimed at her.
*Fsssssssssssssssss* Finally, the fuse burned down to the base, reaching the explosive powder within.
*KABLAM!!!*

Ranma winced at the explosion, then rolled his eyes. "I told you that 'ACME' catalog was trouble."
__________________________________________________________________________________

*Boot!* *Thud!*
Cherry grunted as he hit the ground just outside the Tendo home's front door.
"And don't ever come back!" Soun shouted, slamming the door shut.
"But you musn't!" Cherry insisted, turning back around and walking up to the door. "If you refuse the goodwill of strangers, you will be cursed! Even more cursed! And believe me, you already have more curse than is healthy for a typical homestead of seven!"
"Ha! 'Goodwill,' he says! Is that what you call eating all our food and lying around the house all day?!" Soun shouted from within.
"But the Saotomes' horrid luck will doom you otherwise!" Cherry insisted, banging on the door.
"I don't see how we can be any more doomed than we already are, and you're not helping anything!"
Cherry sighed and sat down on the front porch. "It's no use reasoning with that man. The horrid black fate around his home has doubtlessly driven him mad already." Cherry sighed again. "At least I had enough time to place my sutras before he kicked me out. That should offer them some protection."
Just then, the door opened, and a basket-full of shredded paper scraps landed over Cherry's head, burying him.
"And stop sticking your stupid drawings on the walls of my house!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 7)
Ataru took a deep breath, and then hit the "ON" switch that activated the massive movie studio fan. *Blam!!*
Quickly running in front of the fan as it started up, he slipped into the harness of the hang-glider waiting there, and took firm hold as he was swiftly lifted off the ground.
It wasn't until he was already airborne and moving at a good speed that he realized the folly of trying low-level gliding in a suburban area.
"AH!! POWER LINES!! LEFT!! LEFT!! MUST TURN LE-"
*BRRRZZAAAAAAACK!*
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo! Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo! Ay, tee, ay-ar-yoo, Ataru was his name-oh! Hummmmmmmmmmmm..." Cherry concentrated as he fell into meditation, praying for the luck and mercy of the gods.
*Creak* Then the front door of the Tendo home opened up behind him, breaking his concentration.
Ranma stared down at the monk expressionlessly. "You're still here?"
"Yes, I am. And very fortunate for you, too." Cherry sniffed the air, then smiled. "Ah! Teriyaki beef tonight, I see! Very well, just let me back in, and I'll forget that whole ugly incident that landed me out here!"
*Punt!*
"Oh yeah. I've wanted to do that for SO long now." Ranma grinned and went back inside, not bothering to watch as Cherry sailed off into the distance.
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 8)
"This HAS to work," Ataru muttered, looking down at Nerima as wind whipped through his hair.
"Now remember!" the pilot of the sky-diving plane yelled back at him, "after you catch that alien chick, you'll mention me as the guy that helped, right?! And mention my business?!"
"Right!" Ataru yelled back.
"Okay, good! ......... By the way, do you even know how to use that parachute?!"
"I'll figure it out!" Ataru shouted, an edge to his voice. He would've had the man instruct him, but the jerk insisted that while he'd allow the use of his plane and chute for the good of the Earth, lessons didn't come free.
Ataru gulped as he turned back toward the little squares far below that he guessed were houses. They were flying relatively low, but then, Ataru had never been in a normal airplane, much less one with open doors and depressurized cabins. "Think light thoughts, Ataru. Light, feathery thoughts... you can do this. You're doing this for all of mankind. And womankind. NEVER forget womankind!" Then he frowned. "Shouldn't they have fired the starting gun by now?"
*WH-TANG!* Ataru jerked back as a bullet round pierced the left engine, causing sparks to fly as the heavy device began making unhealthy sputtering noises.
*Kablam!!* The report of the starting pistol, trailing behind the bullet at the lazy speed of sound, was undoubtedly lost as the stricken engine exploded, blowing black smoke into the air and causing the plane to begin wavering back and forth unsteadily.
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!" Ataru whimpered as the plane shook mightily, frozen into inaction.
*Click* *Click*
"Eh?" Regaining some of his wits, Ataru realized that a weight had been lifted from his back, and then noted that his parachute was no longer attached to him. "What the hell?!"
"Sorry kiddo," the pilot apologized as he secured the parachute, "but, ironically, I forgot to pack more than one parachute for this skydiving flight. Bye!"
With those words he evacuated the plummeting aircraft, not even looking back as it spun out of control into the neighborhood below.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!!!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Well, just think of it this way, with a plane crash on your record, nobody can say you didn't try very hard to win," Nabiki offered.
Ataru groaned. He was currently sprawled out on his bed, and was heavily decorated with gauze.
"I'm just so relieved you're alive!" Shinobu said, clasping her hands before her chest. "How did you survive the crash?"
Ataru slowly raised a hand, and then extended his thumb. "Seatbelts. They save lives."
Shinobu and Nabiki blinked in amazement.
"Oh, don't listen to him. It's pure inhuman constitution," Ranma muttered, rolling his eyes.
"But you're wrong," Ataru moaned, "in fact... I'm afraid I may not live much longer... Shi... Shinobu..."
"Y-Yes?" she responded, rushing up next to his bed.
"Don't listen to him, he'll get better," Ranma insisted.
"Please... it's my greatest fear to die like this..." Ataru mumbled, his eyelids flickering a bit.
Ranma groaned and covered his face with his hands as a few tears leaked from Shinobu's eyes.
"What?! What is it?! You don't want to die like this?!"
"I don't want to die..." Ataru mumbled weakly, "... a virgin... so, if you could do me a really big favor and-"
*Slap!*
Shinobu dried her tears and smiled toward Ranma. "You were right! He's feeling better already!" She turned back to Ataru. "Please Ataru, get better. I don't even care if you win or lose, but just hang in there, okay?" With those words of support, she stood up. "I need to go back home. But I'll be out there cheering for you tomorrow Ataru. Goodbye!"

Nabiki patiently waited until Shinobu was well out of earshot before daring to open her mouth.
"That girl is either some kind of twisted manipulator that makes sex-starved jerks her puppets, or just REALLY desperate." Shaking her head, she stood up and walked toward the door. "Two more days, Ataru. Pull through. Or else. There are worse things than death or lifelong forced labor." With that threat hanging in the air, Nabiki exited the room.

Ranma sighed deeply. "Ataru, whatever happens, I will, ultimately, pull your fat out of the fryer. You know that, right? But you screwed up big time on this one. I mean it."
He turned to leave, but then stopped when he didn't hear a response from his brother. Slowly turning toward the bed, he observed Ataru's expression, marred slightly by the red handprint on his right cheek.
It was... sad. Depressed. Hopeless. Defeated. Ranma raised an eyebrow, and frowned. He had seen Ataru get depressed before, but it was usually in short bursts, punctuated by a streak of apathy and followed by a longer burst that celebrated the joys of life (namely, women, food, and fire). Ataru was either too foolish or too horny to bother to dwell on his problems for long, and was always willing to get back to the pursuit of short-term happiness.
His expression now was different, though. He looked like a broken man. Someone who had lost all that he had ever cared for, lost hope of getting it or suitable substitutes back, and lost the will to go on trying. This wasn't the Ataru he knew.
Frowning deeply, and knowing what he had to do, Ranma left the room.
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 9)
*It's the ninth day of the race to determine the fate of Earth, and we're running a bit late! Ataru Saotome has inexplicably failed to appear, much like yesterday, but without any notice or assurances that he is still competing! Has mankind's last hope given up completely?*
Lum looked around, worried, as the crowds of spectators began yelling things into the air, cursing Ataru's name and cowardice. She certainly hoped he hadn't given up! This was the most fun she'd had in years!
"Well, I don't know what to say. I have to start." Shrugging, the referee raised his starting pistol.
*Blam!!*
Lum began to slowly float away from the starting line, scanning the area around her diligently, hoping to see her opponent, but with no success. Sighing due to a boring, empty victory, she took off at a comfortable speed toward her flying saucer.

Back at the spectator stands, Shinobu winced at some of the nastier things that the crowd began shouting into the air. Where was Ataru?
'I hope he's okay, wherever he is...... come to think of it... where's Ranma?'
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Goodbye, cruel, heartless bastion of civilization!" Ataru shouted, running through the streets with his backpack on. "The few pleasures you brought me will be remembered: cheap beef stew! Italian food! Nintendo! Monthly pornographic publications!"
He wiped a tear from his eye, and then grit his teeth. "But the pain you have caused me will scar more deeply than an uncontrolled crash-landing aboard a burning airplane ever could! I'm through! If those freaky, crazy, sexy aliens want me, they can come and dig me out of a hole in the mountains!"
Despite his determination, Ataru wasn't actually used to carrying his pack, and soon the fatigue of hauling its weight caught up with his zeal in running.
"D-Damn... *Pant* *Wheeze* ... gotta slow down a little... *Gasp* ... the mountains 'aint going anywhere..."
Ataru reached a small arch bridge, and collapsed.
"Oh boy... this thing weighs a ton! I can't believe Ranma would carry this thing around along with his pack too! Geez!"
He dropped it next to the railing of the bridge, and then sat down against it himself, catching his breath. "Well, this is it then. Fugitive from the human race. My decisions, based on my own selfish lust, have single-handedly doomed the Earth to suffer alien conquest because of my own incompetence."
"Yes, you are a pathetic nitwit. But at least you admit it."
Ataru flinched as he heard the familiar voice. "Oh no... Ranma."
The pigtailed boy jumped out of the tree he was hiding in, and landed easily on the railing right above Ataru. "You're a bit late for your race today, slick."
"Save it," Ataru muttered, lowering his head. "I know. I know that I'm pathetic, and that I should have left this to you, okay? But I didn't, and I'm an idiot for that." He grit his teeth. "You have no idea what it's like, do you? But how could you? I'm Ataru Saotome; I'm weak, stupid, and I'll do anything if a chick even smiles at me. But you, you're the great and mighty Ranma Saotome! You're strong, sharp, and women swoon as you walk by! I'll never measure up to you! So it's better if I just stop trying to live in your shadow and leave!"
*Thwack!* "Ow!"
Ranma shook his head as Ataru rubbed the bump on his. "Don't give me that crap. Ataru, you've never, in any way, resented me for ANYTHING. You're right! You'll never measure up to me! But you've never cared about that, and I sure as hell don't believe you care now!"
Ataru sweatdropped. 'Ouch. Bulls-eye.'
"Do I 'know what's it's like'? Please! You've never lived in my shadow! You've never aspired to be what I am! Instead, rather than exhausting yourself trying and then moping when you fail, you've always leaned on me and used me to help yourself, and was damn happy about it!"
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. "And... in some VERY small way... I appreciate that."
Ataru blinked, stunned. "Eh?"
"I'm not saying I like the way you are, or that I wouldn't be overjoyed if you cleaned up your act," Ranma amended quickly, still looking away, "but I'd much rather you always turn to me to help you out of a fix than always trying to deal with problems on your own and make things harder for everyone, or spend all your time competing and fighting against me all the time. You look up to me rather than see me as a benchmark or obstacle to overcome, and you've never really resented me for anything, even dealing with girls, and never really been jealous of me even though I'm so much better than you."
Ranma took a deep breath. "To be... really honest... if I were you, I couldn't stand it, and would probably hate you. You take it all in stride, though...... What I'm trying to say is..."
He finally looked at Ataru, who was staring back at him with a totally perplexed expression.
"What I'm trying to say is... even though we were born on the same day, you'll always be like a little brother to me, and... uh..." Ranma trailed off, wondering if he should really end his touching emotional admission with "I love you".
"Er... I...... don't hate you," Ranma finally spat out. "........... That much."
*Sniffle* Ataru wiped a tear from his eye. "That was... so beautiful..."
Ranma twitched. "Try and hug me and I'll break your arm."
"It would almost be worth it!" Ataru cried happily, keeping a safe distance.
"Anyway, my point is, you're depressed because you screwed up too badly, and for once you've actually thought ahead enough to decide that things truly are hopeless. So snap out of it, because I'm here to help you weasel out of your fix."
"Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!" Ataru bowed repeatedly in front of Ranma, who grimaced in response.
"Yeah yeah, okay, shut up. Now stand up straight."
Ataru did so.
*Boot!* *Splash!*
"Ptooey! Ouch! What was that for?!" Ataru shouted, slogging to the edge of the river the bridge spanned.
"Look at yourself, you dolt!" Ranma shouted irritably.
Ataru looked down at herself. "Man! If only I could meet a girl with a bod like mine!"
*Thwack!* Ranma's stone met Ataru's forehead without error, knocking the boy-turned-girl back into the river. *Splash!*
"You're a girl, nimrod! A girl! Who doesn't look a damn thing like my brother!" Ranma grit his teeth as Ataru stood at the edge of the river, staring at him.
"..................... And?"
Ranma groaned and rubbed his head, realizing that he would have to explain every detail of his plan to the clod. 'Maybe things really would have been better if he had left...'
__________________________________________________________________________________

(Day 10, final day before the fate of the Earth is decided)
*And once again it's time for the race to start, and the cowardly fool Ataru Saotome is nowhere in sight! I think I speak for most everyone here when I say: damn you Ataru, for your inconceivable stupidity!*
Grumbling was generally in agreement with this sentiment, though there wasn't much of it. As most had deemed the whole race to save humanity a huge failure, the crowd on the final day was rather thin indeed.
Lum sighed as she stood in the middle of the starting line, looking downcast. She didn't really care whether the Earth was conquered one way or another, but she was really looking forward to a last-ditch attempt by the Terran she was playing with. If nothing else, it would have proved to be entertaining.
*Blam!!*
*And there's the starting pistol! Now we just wait for the princess Lum to return to her spaceship, a journey which will mark the beginning of a brutal war against a vastly superior technological power! The cowardly defender is nowhere in sight! What a way for the human race to go!*

Shaking her head sadly, Lum lifted off the ground and began to float away.
"Wait! Stop!!"
Lum's first instinct was to fly away at top speed, but then realized that the voice was that of a girl, and turned around. "What?"
An attractive, busty blue-haired girl rushed up to her, hauling what appeared to be a kettle of hot water beside her.
"I know where Ataru is!"
Lum smiled happily in surprise, then blinked as something occurred to her. "But wait, he's supposed to be chasing me!"
"Oh, he is," the girl said. Then she beckoned Lum closer with her finger.
Lum approached cautiously, casting a wary glance around to see if he was going to spring from the sidelines. When she couldn't spot the lecher anywhere, she turned toward the girl. "Well? Where is he?"
"Right in front of your face, stupid!" Ataru shouted, grabbing the top of Lum's head. "HA!! That was easy! I can't believe I didn't think of this before that stupid catapult idea!"
"....................." Lum stared oddly at the girl.
*..................... It would... appear that some young woman has taken it upon herself to win the game of tag in Ataru's stead. And while she's certainly more noble and thoughtful than that cowardly slime, this substitution is expressly forbidden by the already quite odd rules of engagement.*
"That guy's right," Lum explained gently, "I'm sorry, but this doesn't count."
Ataru shrugged and lifted the kettle over her head, pouring a stream of warm water onto her.
"How about now?"
*HOLY MOTHER OF MITSUBISHI!!! THE YOUNG WOMAN IS NO LESS THAN ATARU SAOTOME, IN SOME ELABORATE DISGUISE THAT'S DISPELLED WITH THE ADDITION OF WATER!!! THUS, THE TAG COUNTS AS A SUCCESSFUL WIN FOR EARTH!!! THUS, I'LL ACTUALLY GET TO USE THE MONEY I'M EARNING FOR THIS STUPID ASSIGNMENT!!! HOT DAMN!!!*
"Wh... Wh... What?" Lum gasped, standing shock-still where she had started, even after Ataru removed his hand.
The sparse crowd began to chant Ataru's name as the young man threw a fist up into the air.
"Ataru, you did it!" Shinobu ran forward and enveloped him in a hug that he very eagerly returned.
"Good job, boy!" Genma said, grinning like a fool.
"You did it! I knew I could count on you!" Soun lied, coming up behind his friend.
"You didn't screw up! Way to go, man!" Ranma clapped Ataru on the shoulder as Shinobu was pinching his cheek as revenge for him copping a feel.

Lum stood at the edge of the crowd around Ataru, slowly coming to terms with what had happened. She was sorry, to be sure, but she didn't really care that she lost. She was mostly just sorry that it was all over. And that it had ended in such an anticlimactic way after Ataru's previous attempts had caused two explosions and a power outage.
Of course, she shouldn't have been surprised; he had tried so hard the whole time, it only made sense that when it really came time to buckle down, he had put that effort toward an intelligent solution rather than a hopeless, though entertaining one. And all just to catch her.
Lum blushed. He had been a little rough, but she didn't TOTALLY dislike being felt up the way she was on that first day of tag. The desire in his eyes as he looked at her, and the strength with which he fought to catch her, caused a small shudder of excitement when she thought about it.
"Well daughter, it appears we've lost," Lum turned around as her father walked up to her. "Don't worry about it though; we may have lost this planet, but I get to keep my job." Then he grinned. "And you get a husband!"
Genma bigsweated as Mr. Invader and his daughter turned toward him. "Uh, yes, well... here you are!" He grabbed Ranma's wrist and tried to tug him forward.
Ranma didn't budge. "Pop? What's going on? And just what did he mean when he said that she gets a husband?"
Genma chuckled nervously. "Oh, just a little technical detail that I had to hammer out in order to save Earth! Nothing important!"
"Nothing important?" Mr. Invader scoffed, "I'd certainly consider my daughter's marriage to your son important!"
Ataru broke free of Shinobu's minor retributions. "What? Ranma's getting married?"
Ranma grit his teeth. "Pop..."
"But Daddy," Lum protested pointing toward Ataru, "I don't want to marry that one! I want to marry this one instead!"
All noise and speech stopped. Absolute silence reigned as many sweatdrops appeared.
"What?" Genma asked, absolutely mystified.
"Huh?" Ataru asked, similarly perplexed. "Why would you take me over him?"
Lum giggled. "I like you! You're fun!"
"Well I'll be damned," Ranma mumbled, dazed, "I don't know whether I should feel relieved or insulted."
Genma shook his head. "But the agreement was for Ranma to marry Lum! You can't just change it!"
"Actually, I can," Mr. Invader assured him. "I understand that your son has a previous attachment, but this is a diplomatic arrangement we're talking about here. And given the circumstances, I don't think it's unreasonable at all that my daughter be allowed to choose her husband."
"But... but... I can't... I'm already..." Ataru began to stutter, pointing wildly every which way in seemingly random gestures.
"Ataru! I can't believe you!"
He turned around as Shinobu yelled at him, and then gulped as he saw her seething.
"You never even told me that there was a marriage arrangement! You were probably trying to hide it, weren't you?! You're despicable!" Without even taking the time to slap him first, Shinobu stomped off.
"No! Wait! I didn't know! This is the first time I've heard about this!" Ataru protested. He started to run after her, only to have his shirt snagged by Soun.
"And what do you think you're doing, running off with some alien woman when you're supposed to marry MY AKANE?!?!" Soun yelled.
"Mr. Tendo, seriously, get a clue. This is probably the one hope 'your Akane' has of recovering her fragile grip on her sanity," Ranma informed him helpfully, "and besides, it's kind of the fate of the world vs. the fate of your stupid pointless 'joining of the schools' engagement."
"Boy's got a point, Tendo."
"You'll pay for this, Saotome!"
"Yay! Now it's official Darling! We're married now!"
"I never thought the little creep had it in him."
"NO!! PLEASE!! THIS ISN'T WHAT I WANTED!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!"

**********************************************************************************
End Chapter 3