Standard disclaimers apply. I use who I want, when I want them... though I'm too meek and weak-willed not to seek permission first. I'd like to thank CyMage, Tomas Megerson, Mantech1, Aaron Darwithe, and my good buddy/forever arch-rival LuxDragon, the Dragon of Light, for agreeing to allow me to taint their names forever by associating them with this fanfiction. I'd also like to thank Freelance for being such a good sport when I told him no. This chapter, if not this entire series, can be considered anti-Knights of the True Fiancee propaganda. I didn't mean it that way, but that's kind of how it turned out.
Please note that the opinions expressed in this story, as related to the Knights of the True Fiancee, do not reflect any actual experience of mine with the Knights, and should not be taken seriously. Any and all horror stories about their misdeeds I have are secondhand, so I reserve my own judgement of their actions.

Director's Cut
Take 4 (Finale)

**********************************************************************************

"This is stupid! It's ridiculous! It's totally OOC, and the comedic atmosphere that made Ranma 1/2 an enjoyable anime has been completely RAVAGED by the blatant appeal to unnecessary drama and romance! This is trash! Garbage! Horse dung! Pond-growing, scum-sucking, protozoan-breeding FILTH!!!" BD threw the thick stack of stapled pages on the dirty ground below him, then squatted down himself, fuming.
Looking around his small, earthen 10' X 10' cell, one could see it possessed only a pit and faucet above the pit to serve for any sanitation needs, and a muddy, woolen sheet and torn grain sack to serve as a bed. In the opposite corner from the pit was a haggard pile of stapled paper stacks.
A small metal slot opened up on the thick iron door to his cell. "What's wrong now?" a weary voice asked, his voice dripping with resentment for the man imprisoned within.
Black Dragon stood up angrily, then held up his hand in a fist and started ticking off points with his fingers.
"I can take the forced imprisonment. I can take the lousy food. I can take the Earth floor, the stone-age excuse for a toilet, and the dirty blankets. Hell, I can even take 'Torture Tuesdays'! However, I can not stand to be forced to read and review every single little piece of unimaginative pro-Akane drivel you can manage to stick through the food slot! It's ridiculous!"
The guard rolled his eyes. "What was wrong with this one?"
BD's eyes twitched. "What was wrong? There was NO plot! NO conflict! NO rational characterization! It was 128 bloody pages of Ranma and Akane proclaiming their love and making out with each other, occasionally broken by a feeble, half-baked, incredibly poorly conceived idea to set up one of their suitors with someone else. There was NOTHING worth reading in this!!"
The guard rolled his eyes again and sighed. "That's the exact same thing you said about the last 43 'fics too, except for the number of pages."
BD growled at him. "That's because it's TRUE!!" He sighed, then slumped against the wall. "C'mon, can't you at least give me a well-written Akane/Ranma fanfic? I know they exist, I read a few before I swore them off forever. You can't tell me this is the same stuff you read; just because you have bad judgement and poorly conceived opinions doesn't mean you don't have good taste. I mean, there's only so much of this a person can take before he starts to realize that it's all the same mushy, boring junk..."
BD continued rambling on for quite some time before the guard shoved something through the food slot.
"There. It's different than the others, I can assure you that. Now stop whining."
BD blinked, then picked up the fairly thin stack of papers on the ground, held together with a single staple in the corner. "What is it?" he asked curiously.
"A Ranma/Akane lemon."
BD leapt away from the paper as if touching it had burned his hands; it floated slowly toward the ground.
The guard laughed cruelly. "There's no explanation or plot! They're suddenly married, and just screw each other for 12 pages straight!"
He laughed again as BD backed up into the wall opposite the fanfic in complete terror. "No... please, don't do this to me... please!"
The guard's laughing stopped. "And when you're done with that, I'll give you chapter 2." His laughter resumed.
BD shuddered in the far corner of his cell, and started kicking dirt on the offending fanfiction from his position. The guard eventually tired of laughing at his prisoner, and shut the food slot.
"Oh, man. What have I done to deserve this?" he moaned.
The slot opened again.
"Get lost! It was a rhetorical question!" BD cried, before the guard had a chance to speak.
The slot closed.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"So, all I'm saying is, maybe we could use a script that wasn't written by a Knight or Defender?" Ranko looked up at PrismKnight83 pleadingly.
He blinked back at her. "Why? What's wrong with their scripts?"
Ranko thought about that for a moment. "Would you like the real reason or the diplomatic reason?"
"Uh.......... diplomatic."
Ranko sighed in relief. "There's no variety! I mean, the scripts themselves are different, but all it is an over-romanticized drama between Ranma and Akane! Just ONCE couldn't we do some other script?"
PK considered that for a moment. "I guess it couldn't hurt. What did you have in mind?"
Before he finished talking, Ranko had shoved a heavy stack of papers in his face.
PK blinked, then slowly took it and thumbed through the first few pages.
He looked up at her. Or down, actually, as he held the height advantage. "Um, this is a limish account of you, as the girl who drowned in the spring, breaking free of Ranma and then seducing him away from his other suitors."
Ranko nodded enthusiastically. "Cool, huh? From my people to yours!" She bowed to him.
PK shook his head, and tossed it in a nearby trash can. "Sorry. I don't think the Knights would approve."
Ranko gaped for a moment, before she growled out, "So what? They don't own you!"
PK shrugged. "Actually, they do, more or less. We'll start shooting the second act of the old script tommorrow."
Ranko grinded her teeth together in order to keep from saying something she'd regret later.
Her teeth-grinding just got worse as she noticed Ranma around the corner, with an arm wrapped around Kasumi's waist. The way half of Ranma's shirt buttons were undone and Kasumi's blouse seemed to be slipping off her shoulders left little wonder where they were going or what they planned to do there.
Ranko started stalking up to the giggling couple, when PrismKnight stalked past her.
"Going somewhere, Saotome?"
Ranma and Kasumi halted, and Ranma looked up. "Uh... yes?"
PK raised an eyebrow, then shook his head. "It appears that as the new director around here, it once again falls to me to restore order where there is none."
Ranma blinked. "Order? What's that? Sounds kinda boring."
PK rolled his eyes, then pointed at him. "First, I will stand by and allow you to grab anyone you want and duck into a closet or corner somewhere no longer! Your private lives are your business, but on the set I won't tolerate any inappropriate behavior!"
Ranma gaped at him, and suddenly found himself yanked out of Kasumi's embrace to fall into Ranko's.
The pigtailed redhead pulled him closer, then purred into his ear, "That's right! No more 'inappropriate behavior'! You're mine!"
PK cleared his throat. "That goes for you too, Ranko."
Ranko fell down. Ranma still hadn't finished his first gape to bother with a second one.
PK walked away, his cheap plastic cape getting caught in-between his legs and almost tripping him. "Remember! I'll be watching you!" Stumbling over his cape again, he vanished around a corner.

Kasumi raised a hand to her mouth worriedly. "Oh my. No sex?"
Ranko got up, and stared emotionlessly down the direction the new director had vanished.
"That does it. He has to go." She started walking after him, when Ranma took hold of her shoulder.
"Wait! We can't just kill him. He signs our pay checks!" Kasumi nodded her agreement.
All three of them stood there for a few moments, heads down and miserable.
Eventually, Ranko lifted hers. "You know what this means, don't you?"
Ranma sighed. "Yeah. Looks like we have to bust out BD."
Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Oh dear. I'll have to arrange a welcome back party. I should make cookies!"
Ranma ignored her. "Let's go find Max." Ranko nodded and followed.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"I see." Max looked up at the ceiling, staring into space, his mind only half focused on the voice at the other end of the cell phone. "So can I count on your support or not? I know you don't owe him very much, but this endeavor is for all our sakes."
A pause. If these people weren't going to help, then all was lost. All had abandoned him; the actors, the lawyers, the employees! Not that he really expected help from the last two. Still, if his newest attempts at garnishing support failed, then Black Dragon would forever be left to his fate, either to perish a raving madman or be converted into a droning, mindless canon-loving zealot.
Thinking of the last possibility, a tear very nearly slid down his cheek. 'Don't worry boss, I'll save you!'
He was so wrapped up in his own thoughts, he almost didn't hear the affirmative response on the other end of the phone, before it disconnected.
Max nodded wearily. "Well, that's one."
*Ahem*
Max turned around at the sound of someone clearing his throat, and his eyes widened as he saw Ranma, Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo standing in the now crowded hallway behind him.
Max sweatdropped. "Uh... you're not here to tie me up and keep me out of trouble, are you?"
Ranma shook his head ruefully. "Nah. We're here to help."
Max blinked. "Come again?"
Ranko stepped up, scratching the back of her head embarrassingly. "Well, we spent some time thinking, and we realized that after all he's done for us, the least we could do for old BD is help break him out of imprisonment."
Kuno snorted. "Though doubtless that came second to PrismKnight's offense of halting your sexual activities."
Ranma glared at him. "Aw, shut up Kuno. Just 'cause you're not getting any..."
Ranko joined the glare. "Well, there are some things you just don't stick your nose into, and one of them is my love life! BD always let us do whatever we want! What right does this PK jerk have, telling us to stop?"
Kuno rolled his eyes. "Myself, I simply have grown sick of these worthless parts he keeps giving us. Director Dragon's works were always disgusting drivel, but at least they were fairly entertaining." He ended with a sniff, doing a perfect imitation of a perfect snob.
Max forestalled the others' reasons with a hand. He didn't really care, so long as they helped. "All right, well... thank you. I know this is really gonna help." He smiled fiercely. "I've just gotta make a few more phone calls, then you can meet me in Ranma's dressing room at 1900 hours."
They stared at him blankly.
"That means 7 o'clock," he told them dryly.
They nodded as if they had understood all along, and Max was just bothering them with useless details as they started filing out the other way.
Ryoga chuckled gleefully. "Yay! We finally get to kick some ass!" He pounded one fist into his palm happily.

Max watched them leave, nodding to himself approvingly. He should've expected those guys to come through. Well, maybe 'expected' was too strong a word. But nonetheless, he had their help now. With their respective abilities, he wouldn't need that much more to pull it off.
Smiling to himself, he dialed another number on his cell phone.
"Hello? Magi Incorporated?"
__________________________________________________________________________________

A few minutes ago...

LuxDragon, the Dragon of the Light, and newly ordained director of 'Breath of Fire: The Movie III' (poorly concieved sequel to the box-office disasters 'Breath of Fire: The Movie I & II') gave a contented sigh as he leaned back in his large, cushioned chair, sipping a root beer and being given a massage by a stunning blue-haired woman whose body ended in a tail below the waist (which added to the 'stunning' component of her appearance).
He took another sip of his soda, idly passing a look over his stage crew assembling the cheap foam construction of Guardia Castle. His scope of vision dismissed them just as easily. Unlike some people's employees, his didn't have to worry quite so much about fatal accidents, and not at all about being methodically killed off.
"Mmmm... a little lower, 'kay Bleu?"
The ancient sorceress did as instructed without so much as a word.
With another contented sigh, Lux allowed his mind to wander a bit. Come to think of it, he hadn't had any accidents for the last 2 days. While this was perfectly normal for most people, Lux happened to work 3 studios over from the former Geobreeders set, present studio of the infamous Black Dragon. The Lord of Chaos was very good at what he did, and his very presence was usually enough to cause widespread disaster.
So lost in thought was he, that he didn't realize someone was trying to get his attention until that someone slapped him with her wing.
"Ack! Nina! Why'd you do that?"
Nina smirked and held up a tiny cellular phone. "It's for you. Some guy named Nova."
LuxDragon sighed, then took the phone.
"Look, I'm sorry Max, but tell Black that I can't 'lend' him any more stage hands. I just can't-huh?" Lux stopped for a few moments, and then Bleu was almost knocked backwards as Lux shot up out of his chair.
"WHAT?! Black Dragon's been kidnapped?" He stared ahead of him, wide-eyed. "Of course... it all makes sense now... no explosions, no rampant killing sprees, everything's been running perfectly. Ranma hasn't even been around recently..."
Bleu and Nina both gave regretful sighs at that statement.
Suddenly, LuxDragon gave a start. "He's being held by the Knights of the True Fiancee?"
Just as suddenly, all the commotion on the set stopped, and every pair of eyes locked onto LuxDragon. Stage hands that were carrying extremely heavy pieces of machinery stopped in mid-grunt, afraid even to breathe.
After a few moments of silence and intent listening on Lux's part, those that were holding their breath realized the pointlessness of it and started breathing again.
Lux shook his head. "Well, I just don't know. I don't like the Knights, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go out of my way to make trouble for them."
*T-chunk!* *T-chunk!*
Lux blinked, then turned around. Staple-gunned to his studio wall was a poster of Akane Tendo, her persona surrounded by little hearts. At the bottom, 'Studio 5' was printed in big gray block lettering.
'Studio 5! That's the one BD stole! And the same one that PK conquered after that!'
"Max? I'll be there." *Click*
Tossing the phone aside, he stepped down and gave another long look at the poster.
"Nina?"
The winged girl snapped out of her daze, immediately at attention. "Ye-Yes sir?"
"Get my guns." With that, Lux stalked off towards the exit. Bleu and Nina each shot each other nervous looks.

Coincidentally, this was about the time the arms of the stage hands carrying extremely heavy equipment gave out, dropping said equipment on their feet and causing the first accidents since Black Dragon left.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Let's see... boring.... boring.... annoying... boring... disgusting... annoying..."
CyMage sat back in his large leather recliner, partaking in one of the male genders' most renowned of entertainment exercises: channel surfing.
He wasn't having much luck, but then, being in the center of a massive, impenetrable fortress surrounded by scrambler drones tended to do rather nasty things to one's satellite reception.
The fact that Magi Inc. was located on a deserted island also placed an unfortunate limit on cable access.
CyMage sighed, wishing not for the first time that he'd considered the need for anything other than security when he had planned the construction of his primary command facility.

Luckily, sort of, his boredom was put on hold when one of his subordinates gave a knock on the door.
"Yeah? Come in."
A figure cloaked entirely in blue robes, save one sleeve that was pulled back to show off a shiny new Rolex, entered the cavernous office, and gave a small nod to CyMage.
"Sir, there's a message for you on line 4. Apparently the client wishes to negotiate with you personally. He wouldn't tell me his name."
CyMage raised an eyebrow, and waved away the lower-class mage with an errant hand gesture. He didn't like being personally bothered by clients who refused to give their names to his assistants, but that annoyance lost out to the relief of finally having something to break up the monotony.
He hit the appropriate button to activate the speaker phone, then leaned back in his chair.
"CyMage here. This had better be good."
*This is Max Nova, former assistant director of Studio 5 in the Anime Film District, a subdivision down here in Hollywood. I have a job for you, if you'll hear me out.*
CyMage nodded, quite a useless gesture, as Max could only hear him. "I'm listening."
*A good friend of mine, a former superior actually, is being held hostage by a certain group known as the Knights of the True Fiancee. This group has imprisoned him because they don't approve of his beliefs, as well as replaced him by one of their own puppets, whom, I might add, is a total sociopath. What I want you to do is help assist in his rescue.*
CyMage made another useless gesture out of rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "And the compensation? How much do you think an operation like this is worth?"
CyMage could almost hear the man on the other end grimace-it wasn't fair, really; none of his gestures could be heard-and caught some muttering about Ranma and cheapskates.
*Well, here's the thing. As of now, all the funds we have available are in the hands of PrismKnight, the current director, who doesn't want to see Black Dragon to ever see the outside of his cell. We had enough trouble getting permission to buy the gasoline. Once BD's back, though, we can pay you however much you think we owe, and-*
"Hold it." CyMage interrupted, and the voice at the other end of the line went silent.
"You want me to help you rescue the Lord of Chaos?" CyMage carefully kept his tone neutral.
*Uh....... yes?*
CyMage shook his head, which was of course ineffectual in getting his point across. "Look, I'm sorry, but this is no charity service. If you can't pay, then I can't do the job. And even if you could, I'd have to think about it before I'd help Black Dragon. You do know the guy's a psycho, right? And besides that, his writing kind of sucks."
*Well......... yeah....... but, I mean, the Knights!*
"I don't really like the Knights or Defenders or what they stand for, but they haven't bothered me at all."
There was a leaden sigh at the other end of the line, and CyMage thought he could make out a resigned shaking of the head. How did he do that?
*Well, I didn't really want to do this, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to show you something.*
CyMage blinked, then turned around as his television screen turned on behind him.
*I'm uploading a sample of PK's work through the video feed. Take a look, then make your decision.*

The screen turned to hissing static, then firmed into a picture of the Jusenkyou Guide on a stage.
The stout little man adjusted his green cap, then glances at an index card in his hand.
*Two dojo... both... alike... in martial arts style... in fair Nerima... where we lay our scene...*
CyMage turned back toward the speaker phone. "A Romeo and Juliet parody? You've gotta be kidding!"
Somehow, the CEO of Magi Inc. could tell the other man was nodding on the other end. How did he do that?! *Keep watching the clips. It only gets worse.*
Akane stepped out onto a balcony, looking not a little peeved.
*Oh Ranma, Ranma, where art thou, thou perverted jerk?! No doubt cavorting with some other tart of ill repute! Ohhh! When I get mine hands on thou!*
CyMage sweatdropped heavily.
The scene changed to show Akane over the sleeping form of Ranma, apparently arguing with someone off-stage.
*I don't care what the script says! Why should I kill myself over this jerk?*
There was a faint mumbling from off-stage.
Biting down on a frustrated scream, Akane took the fake dagger in her hands and thrust it angrily into her chest, provoking an obviously fake spray of blood to blast out of her chest. Still scowling angrily, she lowered herself on the ground, crossing her arms under her breast and not looking dead at all.
Ranma sat up. *Well geez, if she's gonna have to be forced to kill herself over me, why should I do the same for her?* he said dryly
Akane immediately jumped up and started strangling Ranma. *DIE!!!*
The screen turned to static. CyMage sat ramrod straight in his chair, staring wide-eyed at the screen.
"B-Brain... m-m-melting........."
The TV didn't turn off, instead changing to a white tabletop with videos flying across the screen to stop in a row.
*Also from Studio 5! 'There's Something About Akane'! 'You've Got Mallets'! 'What Tomboys Want'!-*
The announcer went on listing bizarre, parodyish movie titles, and CyMage convulsed at each one as if shot.
Mercifully, it stopped, and CyMage immediately whirled around toward the speaker phone.
"I'll be there! Don't worry about where, I'll find it!" He pushed the button on his phone, severing the connection.
"You! In the blue!"
The acolyte in blue reentered the office, flashing his Rolex momentarily before entering fully.
CyMage leveled a stare that made the lesser mage gulp. "Get my staff."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"So you see, since then I haven't been allowed in any of the summer camps or the Jason Vorhee fan club. It's just not fair! It was his own fault for getting in the way!" The man wearing a black trenchcoat and black wide-rimmed hat and sunglasses gave a low growl, then chugged down the rest of his coffee. This, in turn, caused him to nearly spit it all out again, as it was still very hot. The man at the other end of the table shrugged.
His companion, a slightly taller man with shaggy silver-blue hair in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, shook his head. "Well, yeah, but still, demonstrating the precise art of 'chainsaw soap carving' to suprise your camp counselor... and you really should have turned off the saw when he tried to stop you."
Mantech1 would have answered with a biting response, but he was still gagging from the hot coffee.
Aaron Darwithe shrugged, and took a cautious sip from his own cup. "Then again, that sucks how you got laid off from the Irresponsible Captain Tylor crew. I myself never made it even that far in acting."
Mantech was currently swallowing ice cubes to sooth his throat, but he looked at the other man questioningly.
Aaron sighed. "Yeah, I tried out for every male role there was. And most of the female roles. But the directors refused to hire someone whose hair changes color after he dies." He sipped his coffee. "Well, one of them also said I was a bad actor, but only one of them."
Mantech blinked. "Ah. You're immortal too, huh?"
Aaron nodded. "I found an old peppermint candy on the edge of a sink in a Burger King bathroom one day and ate it. Then I looked at the wrapper, and realized it said, 'He who eats this shall be immortal, to die only to live again, forever.'"
Mantech frowned. "So it killed you, and now you can't die?"
Aaron shook his head. "No, now, when I die, I just respawn. It's not as cool as it sounds. Along with immortality, it seems to have made me far more vulnerable to lethal circumstances, if you catch my drift."
"Uh... no, I don't."
Suddenly, a nearby waitress gasped and tripped onto the floor, and a carving knife was sent flying into the back of Aaron's head.
Mantech blinked and leaned over as his companion's dead body slumped to the floor, and shrugged consideringly.
Right next to him, Aaron slowly faded into view, then looked around in confusion.
"Huh? What? Oh. Knife to the head. That's not so bad. Usually in these little cafes, it's a fork, and then you tend to suffer first."
Mantech nodded, noting that the other man now had fiery red hair. Aaron shoved his corpse out of the seat. The cafe's other patrons all finished staring in disbelief, and immediately started asking for their checks.
"I've got unlimited respawn myself, to tell you the truth."
Aaron blinked at him. "Peppermint candy?"
Mantech shook his head. "Nah. I was going through my usual morning exercises, meaning I ran around blowing things up at random, when I more or less accidentally destroyed some large rock in an old lady's back yard."
Aaron looked up at him. "More or less accidentally, or more or less destroyed?"
Mantech blinked. "Uh.... that's not the point. The point is, I released an accursed demon whose soul had been torn away and had become a mindless drone, unable to feel or portray emotion, completely victim to cold, ruthless logic and law." He stopped to take a sip of his coffee. "Anyway, he explained to me how standard procedure was to curse me forever out of sheer ingratitude, then disappear and wreak havoc upon the world. He didn't seem to understand when I asked him why he couldn't just be grateful, and maybe not doom humanity, so he cursed me to die continually forever." Mantech sipped his coffee some more. "I think he got it wrong though, it's sort of like yours."
Aaron scratched his head. "So what happened to the demon?"
"You ever hear of Al Gore?"
*Beep* *Beep*
Mantech lurched, startled, then realized that his cell phone was ringing.
"Hold on, I have to get this." Mantech took out his phone. "Wassuuuuuuuuuuuuup?"
There was silence.
"Hello? Anybody there?" Mantech blinked. "Oh. It's you......... What does he want? ............ Really? No way! .............. Hmmmm. I guess. What's the pay like? ........................ Well, I guess that's all right. I was never fond of them anyway. The place? ................. Gotcha. See ya."
"Who was that?"
Mantech looked back at him, as if suddenly remembering the other man was there. "Oh, that was Nova, Black Dragon's assistant."
Aaron stood up as Mantech did, and started putting on his coat. "You know BD? That Lord of Chaos guy?"
Mantech nodded. "Yup. I worked a job for him a few months ago when he needed me to make some staff cuts." Mantech stopped to chuckle evilly. "Anyway, he's been kidnapped by the Knights of the True Fiancee, and Max is organizing a rescue party. Wanna come?"
Aaron blinked. "Do we get paid?"
Mantech sighed. "No, I asked. It turns out it's first come, first serve looting instead."
Aaron stopped to consider this. "Well, that sounds good enough. It is the Knights, after all. You can count me in."
Mantech1 smiled. "Buddy, I think you and me are going places."
Suddenly, out the clear blue sky, a bolt of lightning lanced toward the ground and blasted Mantech1 into the concrete just as he stepped outside.
Aaron looked down at him in sympathy and shook his head. "Lightning. Now THAT hurts."
A wavering appeared in the air above the concrete, and the shimmering assumed a humanoid form before solidifying into Mantech1.
"Hey! How come your hair color doesn't change?"
Mantech simply shrugged and kicked his corpse away before walking down the street. "It's a gift."

**********************************************************************************

Scene: We see a plain, white, empty stage, with an equally plain, white, empty background.
Black Dragon steps out onto the stage, faces us, and coughs into his hand.
BD: And now, a short break.
With that, he walks off calmly, though muttering angrily about the wasted effort of coming up with these things.

Female Narrator: Tonight, on "Anime Debate", we have Iori Yagami against Kyo Kusanagi, in our continued discussion: "You suck" and "No, I don't".
Iori: You suck!
Kyo: Do not!
Iori: Do too!
Kyo: Do not!
Iori: Do too!
Kyo: Do not!
Iori: Do too times infinity!
Kyo: Do not times infinity plus one!
Iori: Damn you Kusanagiiiiiiiiii!!!
Female Narrator: And so ends tonight's "Anime Debate". Next time, we have Ken Masters vs. Terry Bogard in the age-old argument: "You're a weenie" against "I know you are, but what am I?"

Scene: Same backdrop as before.
Black Dragon walks out from nowhere, grimacing.
BD: There. Now wasn't that pointless? Well, if you haven't stopped reading by now, we'll be getting on with what passes for a plot in this sad excuse for a fiction.
Still muttering angrily, BD stalks back into nowhere.

**********************************************************************************

Mantech walked into the unnecessarily-dimly-lit room with Aaron trailing behind. Both of them stopped upon sighting a group of Studio 5's actors, Max, and some guy with blue hair carrying a huge sword on his back and a gun belt that held two identical pistols.
Max looked up, then smiled. "Ah, Mantech1. Very good to see you? Who's this?"
"This is Aaron. Aaron...... uh........"
"Aaron Darwithe. I'm here for the looting." The redhead smirked.
Max nodded, smiling. "Good, good. Feel free to take whatever you want once the operation is under way. This is Ranma, Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo. And this is LuxDragon."
Mantech blinked, and pointed to the animated characters of the group. "Are they for real?"
Max shook his head. "No. You're thinking of the canon characters. These are sadly conceived rip-offs that only possess certain aspects of the originals' personalities."
Aaron and Mantech looked at each other. "Oh."
The lavender haired girl sighed and pounded a fist onto the large map spread out before them. "Can we get on with this now?!"
Max shook his head. "Not quite yet. We're still waiting for one more."
*Ssssssssshoom!* Everybody turned to watch as a pinprick of light appeared between Mantech and Aaron, then quickly expanded outward. Unfortunately, its rate of growth surpassed Mantech and Aaron's ability to get out of the way quickly enough.
"AUGH!!!"
"URK!!!"
It stopped as it reached the point of being a rectangular plane about 8 feet in height, and a semi-transparent figure dressed all in black robes with a hood obscuring his face stepped out of the portal.
CyMage looked about, only to realize that most of the people in the room were staring at him wide-eyed.
"You... you killed them!" Ukyo, dressed as always in a frilly skirt in colors as girly as any one could find, recoiled in feminine terror.
Ranko gaped. "The-They weren't expendable! Wh-Wh-What are you, crazy?!"
CyMage looked back as his portal disappeared, to see two bodies bloodily carved up into odd shapes. He sweatdropped.
"Uh... sorry. My bad. It's dangerous to touch the edges of these portals; they cut cleaner than any kind of blade, you know?"
Max sighed and hung his head.
Then the fading in and shimmering took place, and the two former morgue patients dusted themselves off.
"So what was it this time? Knife? Bullet? Fire?" Aaron began grumbling to himself, then looked down and stared at his old body. "Ouchies."
Max stared, and started to speak, and Mantech silenced him with an upraised palm. "Unlimited respawn. Don't mind us."
CyMage nodded thankfully. "Yes, yes. You're all right. No need for a lawsuit or anything. Really, it could've been anyone!"
Max shook his head, and then gestured for silence. "All right, here's the plan!"

Everyone gathered around the table with the map laid out, except Ryoga, who started to wander away before Ranma yanked him into the crowd.
Max gestured to the map, which had a large complex layout drawn on it, and pointed to the three arrows.
"All right. Here's how it goes. Team 1 will include myself, CyMage, and Ranma himself, and will enter here, through the main entrance. This should be heavily guarded, but will have little to no traps or anything really unexpected to deal with, so we'll concentrate firepower. Group 2, which consists of the rest of the animates, namely Ranko, Ryoga, Kuno, Shampoo, and Ukyo, will enter here. This is Canon Temple, the mainstay sanctuary of worship for the Knights. You guys will break in, engage the Knights to create a distraction, and then level the place."
Ukyo interrupted. "Level it? Why do we have to level it?" She curled her fists up under her chin girlishly.
Max blinked, then shrugged. "Because we can." Mantech1 and Aaron gave each other a high-five.
Shampoo stared at Aaron. "Why are you blond now?"
Max continued, unperturbed. "Group 1 will proceed through the main hall, and keep pushing back pro-Akane forces up until this area. Once we reach the Kitchens of Doom, we will then proceed through the ventilation shafts into the lower levels, where the prisons are, free Black Dragon, and blast our way out of the fortress!"
LuxDragon nodded. "Not bad. But where do I come in?"
Mantech looked it over. "Yeah, what about me? And what's this last arrow about?"
Max grinned. "You, Lux, and Aaron, are part of the secondary rescue group! Group 3 will proceed down here, into a not-terribly-secret tunnel that leads straight into the heart of the Heretic Dungeon."
Aaron blinked. "But if that one leads straight to the dungeon, why not just rescue BD through there?"
Max shook his head. "They put it there on purpose, then filled it with painful, lethal traps just to kill anybody stupid enough to actually try to rescue someone using that route."
The three men in question sweatdropped.

Ranma grinned and pounded his fist on the table. "Sounds good to me! Let's rock!"
"YEAH!!!" Everybody in groups 1 and 2 cheered and scattered, while Mantech1, Aaron, and LuxDragon stood staring at the map.
Aaron turned to Mantech. "They were exaggerating about the traps, right?"
Mantech laughed. "Of course they were! Everything's going to be just fine!"
*Crack!* *BOOM!!!*
LuxDragon blinked as the bolt of lightning dissipated, and the plaster from the ceiling rained down onto a dead Mantech1. Then he turned to Aaron. "Does this kind of thing happen often?"
The man shrugged. "Eh, sort of."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"I just can't believe this." Ranko stared malevolently at the huge statue outside of the temple, which depicted a 20-foot stone Akane Tendo standing triumphantly in her regular school uniform. Right below her, a stone likeness of a severely beaten Ranma Saotome bowed down to her on his knees, shackles adorning his wrists and ankles, which in turn were connected to large, elaborately carved stone chains that the stone Akane held victoriously.
"This is beyond wrong," Shampoo growled.
Ryoga stared at her. "BD was right. You do sound a lot better with the funny speech patterns."
She stared back. "And what brought this up NOW?!"
"Please don't fight!" Ukyo whined.
"Hold your tongues! Someone approaches!" Kuno lowered himself further behind the large bush.

One of the guards eyed the man who approached suspiciously. "Halt! State your purpose for entering the most holy sanctuary of our perfect goddess, the Mistress of Mallets, and the True Fiancee!"
The man nodded. "I come seeking only to bask in the aura of the Great One's righteous fury and contemplate her vivid perfection."
One of the other guard stepped forward. "Do you forsake all others for the sake of our goddess?"
The man bowed deeply. "But of course! Let not a man mock her perfection and superior skill! Let not a soul suggest surrendering her rightful property, the wretched jerk Ranma Saotome, to another woman! Those that dare will be flamed into the depths of the hell that is their deserved fate!"
The two guards that covered the doors themselves nodded in approval. "Very well. You may pass." They opened the doors and let the man through. Around other parts of the building, several other guards rolled their eyes at the common display.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," Ranko deadpanned.
"Should we go now? I wanna fight!" Ryoga hopped gleefully even as he crouched with everyone else behind the plant.
"Stick to the plan, cretin!" Kuno nodded to Ranko.
Ranko nodded back, then unbuttoned her shirt.

The guards all snapped to attention as someone else approached, then almost fell over when they saw who it was.
Ranko swayed seductively as she drew closer to the entrance, her shirt fully undone to reveal the stretched tank top underneath.
She gave the men a smirk. "Hello boys."
Immediately, several of the guards fell to their knees and started praying, muttering about mallets and protection.
The rest turned to look at each other.
"At last! She has appeared!" Ranko blinked at this.
"Let the Revolution begin!" The guards thrust their fists into the air, then turned to the other guards, who were still kneeling and staring about in confusion.
One of them got up. "RRR spies!" He growled, "Get them!!"
The other animates exited the bushes, only to find that a scattered melee had started without them.
"Hey! Stop! I don't like violence!" Ukyo started to cry.
"Why did we bring her along?" Shampoo sighed.
Ryoga pounded a fist into his palm. "Yay! Can I smash something now?"
Ranko looked about, then shrugged. "Yeah, sure. And you can start with the statue."
And so the fight had begun.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Oh noboooooooody knoooooooows... the trouble I've seeeeeeeeen. Noboooooooody knoooooooows, my sorrow..."
"Please! Please! Can you please just be quiet?!" The guard cried desperately from the other side of the armored door.
BD glanced at it, annoyed. "Why should I? I'm being held prisoner here!"
"Because! You only know one verse!"
BD huffed defensively. "NOT true! I know three verses!"
"It doesn't count if you make them up!"
"Well now you're just nit-picking." BD muttered.
The guard shouted incoherently in frustration, then turned to someone else out in the hallway. "Can't we just execute him now? PLEASE?!?!"
The other voice chuckled. "I'm sorry, but though the heretic is annoying, he does possess one quality that our enlightened brethren do not share."
"What? Intelligence?" BD smirked as there was a clatter outside.
The chuckling suddenly started up again. "Laugh while you still can, fool! I was referring to your expendability. You'll make a fine lab rat for our mistress's cooking practice!"
Black Dragon's eyes bulged. "Wh-What? You can't! That's too cruel!"
The chuckling stopped. "Mr. Dragon, are you insinuating that the great and utterly perfect Akane Tendo is a bad cook?"
"I'm not insinuating anything. She IS a bad cook. Period." BD deadpanned.
The eyes through the little slot seemed to get angry. "FOOL!! What do you know? Her cooking isn't that bad! And she tries hard!"
"Yeah, she tries hard," BD began, "and then she tries harder, until she ruins it, then finds someone else to taste it before she does! Did you ever wonder that maybe there's a REASON she knows not to taste her own food?!" BD stopped, and blinked. "Actually," he amended, "that would be giving her far too much credit. I don't think she's that smart."
The guard's eyes blazed. "How dare you?! How is she to get better if all the fool Saotome does is insult it?!"
"I don't know, maybe ask someone to TEACH her?! You know, like somebody with the brains of a raccoon might figure out?!"
And so began yet another fierce debate over Akane's competence; just one of the hundreds that would start and seem to drag on forever until death, like the stars themselves, since the dawn of the great series.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"But I still have to wonder why we're going along with this." LuxDragon slashed another bush to pieces as he forged a path through the thick forest area that surrounded the main citadel.
*Vroom!* *Vroom!* *Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrzt!* Pieces of bark and leaves sprayed everywhere as the chainsaw was swiped back and forth recklessly. "Ha ha ha ha ha!!"
Aaron watched expressionlessly as more unfortunate trees were reduced to a sap/bark mush. Then he frowned. "Where'd you get the chainsaw?"
Mantech1 stopped, and then blinked through the hockey mask he was wearing. The chainsaw disappeared behind his back. "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Really."
LuxDragon sweatdropped. "You got sap on your hockey mask."
The mask's eyes blinked again, and Mantech rubbed at the bridge of the nose. "There! Did I get it? Er..." The mask quickly joined the oversized gardening tool into the vast reaches of hammerspace.
Lux shook his head, then continued hacking away at the branches. "Not that I'm eager to get there or anything, but I really wish we didn't have to cut our way through the forest."
Mantech1 blinked. "Well why didn't you say so? I can take care of that!"
His two companions blinked as Mantech reached into his trenchcoat and pulled out several baseball-sized metal spheres.
Aaron looked uneasy. "That wouldn't be..."
Mantech grinned. "You got it! Napalm! FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!" Four grenades went sailing over the tree line.
LuxDragon stared as a huge red glow appeared in the distance, and started heading towards them. "Okay... now what do we do to avoid getting burned?"
"Huh? Avoid getting... oops. Heh heh." Mantech grinned sheepishly.
*THWOOOOOOOOM!*

After the entire forest area had been reduced to a charcoal wasteland, a portion of air started to shimmer, a faded outline began to come into view, and one particular piece of charcoal broke apart into small pinpricks of light and began to gather in the air.
Eventually, a fairly dazed Mantech1, Aaron Darwithe, and LuxDragon were staggering about.
"NEVER do that again!" Lux growled. The others stared at him.
"Peppermint candy?" Aaron asked.
"Cursed by Al Gore?" Mantech followed.
LuxDragon blinked, then shook his head. "Naw, I'm just immortal. Now let's get a move on!"
The others stared, then started to follow him. "No, no, seriously. What was it?"
"......................... Bill O'Reilly and a magic Snickers bar. No more questions."
"Ouch." Mantech1 winced.
"There it is!" Aaron pointed to a large wall heavily laden with scorch marks where a single man-sized tunnel opened into the interior.
Next to it was a sign that said [Back door to impenetrable dungeon. No one but KoTF admitted!]
Mantech1 sweatdropped. "They don't really expect that to work, do they?"
LuxDragon sighed. "And yet, here we are. Let's go."

And so they entered the dungeon, and so stepped forward to face the perils of the deadly traps with a bravery and courage rarely seen on anyone not completely suicidal.
*Shing!*
"Ouch! My leg!*
*Thwip*
"Ugh! God dammit!"
*Chung-chung-chung-chung* *CRASH!!*
"...... Medic......"
__________________________________________________________________________________

CyMage phased in before the gates of the KoTF citadel, and the tip of his staff burst into flame.
The guards gaped, unsure of what to make of this at all. Their mistake.
*Blam!* *Blam!* Twin missiles of flame reduced the misguided fellows to ash, thus adding two more human lives to the steadily mounting list of needless deaths... not that anybody cared.
"You were right! Most of them are off defending the temple! Come on!" The shadowed hood swung back to the great doors, searching for more enemies.
Ranma was by his side in an instant, and then bounded forward to look inside. Max brought up the rear, quantum bracers covered in arcs of purple energy.
"There are a lot of them in there!" Ranma back off, and several shouts could be heard. "They're arming themselves with really big hammers!"
CyMage nodded, then thrust a hand out toward the open doors. "Fireball!" A huge sphere of fire rocketed towards the entrance, and the screams of the dying could be heard as flames billowed out of the main entry hall and into the courtyard.
"ADVANCE!!!" Max shouted, and then sprinted into the hall with Ranma. They were met immediately by a counter-charge, and Max blasted the lot of them with a wide charge of purplish electricity. Those that still staggered forward or were too far out to get hit were inevitably beaten down by Ranma.
The pigtailed martial artist/actor cracked his knuckles and grinned. "Feh, that was easy. I really might have to demand another raise for BD making me waste my time like this."
CyMage entered from behind, and nodded in approval. "Good. They've no doubt raised an alarm that we're in here. I'll set some quick traps, and we can make our way to the bio-waste facilities."
Ranma blinked. "You mean Akane's kitchen?"
"Same thing."
Several figures came into view dressed in flowing robes with a small wooden mallet insignia on the chest. "Heathens! How dare you defile this sacred temple of our perfect goddess?!"
Ranma snorted. "Perfect goddess? Uncute tomboy, if you ask me."
The figures suddenly pointed to Ranma. "Ah ha! It is the perverted jerk Saotome! Come to receive your rightful punishment at last?"
CyMage stared, and turned to Max. "Are these guys for real?"
Max sighed. "Unfortunately." The assistant director twisted the wrist of his gauntlet, and the electric prongs were retracted, to be replaced by a wide tube.
"Buzz off before I burn you." Max gestured them away with his fist, and the two priests walked away cautiously, grumbling all the while.
The semi-transparent shadowed figure turned to his companions. "Quickly! We must make our way to the Kitchens of Doom!"
The two animates nodded, and rushed into the hallway, followed by the mysterious sorcerer.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"But you don't understand. The element of physical violence was perfectly acceptable for the aspect of comedy that was inherent in the original series, but it didn't jive with Ranma 1/2's secondary genre, as a romance."
The guard snorted. "What are you talking about? They were in love!"
BD shook his head, inwardly saddened at the guard's utter simplicity. "Yes, yes. But they fell in 'love' through totally irrational means. Akane is abusive, no matter which way you look at it. While this is funny to watch, it doesn't lend any believability to Ranma falling in love with her. One does not simply forgive and grow affection for another who treats him as a punching bag. Unless Ranma is simply the nicest guy on the planet. And believe me, he's not. I work with him. Or at least one of his alternates."
"You're wrong! She doesn't hit him without a good reason!"
"Like when some other girl hugs him or when he defends himself from P-chan?"
The guard growled and started to formulate a response. Luckily for him, the conversation was interrupted.
*BRING!!* *BRING!!* *BRING!!* *BRING!!*
Black Dragon winced, then covered his ears. "Hey! What's the deal?"
The guard blinked, then turned to his companion, who was out of BD's sight. "Which alarm is that?"
There was a soft humming from the other side of the steel door (which was mostly drowned out by the blaring siren). "It either means that intruders have broken into the citadel, or that someone just made chocolate chip cookies in the lounge."
The guard's eyes widened. "What? We'd better get moving!" The metal view cover slid shut, and the two Knights left for the break lounge.
"Well... yeah. I'll, uh... just wait here then..." BD sighed, then stood up against the wall and started humming the Ranma 1/2 OAV opening song.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Well, that was easy. I'm kinda disappointed." Ranko looked around at the rubble that once stood as the greatest shrine to Akane's 'greatness'.
Around her and her companions lay the unconscious or dead bodies of several Knights, as well as many similarly dressed figures kneeling and/or bowing to Ranko, which she completely ignored.
Ryoga looked around. "Does that mean it's over? That was great! Let's do it again!"
Kuno shook his head sadly. "It doth be fate, I suppose, that I am to be allied with such fools. If our objective lay completed, what more is to be accomplished?"
Shampoo cocked her head slightly. "There's a shrine to Heero Yui and Usagi Tsuniko down the street..."
Ranko grinned. "Well, we never did get to use that gasoline! We might as well!"
"YAY!!!" Ryoga skipped happily behind his companions, occasionally stepping on a kneeling RRR zealot without noticing.

Behind them, Ukyo cried softly as she tried to rub patches of dried blood off her spatula blade with a towel. "Waaaah... I don't like icky blood!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

*SHICK!*
"Ugh!" LuxDragon stumbled forward as the rows of spikes bit into his legs, and fell onto the first section of stone floor that didn't have scattered pressure plates since he had entered the tunnel. He felt his leg regenerate, then staggered forward onto the circular room beyond the hall.
Lux heaved a long sigh of relief, then looked back. "Watch out for the pressure plate on the left!"
"Wha? Pressure plate? Another one?"
"Aaron! Look out! You're about to step on it!"
*Creak...*
"Oh, fudge," came the voices in stereo.
*SHICK!*
LuxDragon winced, then shook his head and turned around. On the wall opposite him, a single wooden door marked the only exit past the hellish tunnel of death.
The odd thing was, hanging down in the middle of the circular room, there was a long rope attached to a sign that clearly read [Do not pull]
Aaron faded back into existence, then walked up to the sign. "What's this?" Lux noted that his hair color had cycled completely and was now silver-blue again.
Mantech1 shimmered into reality next to him, then nodded at the sign. "Ah. Reverse psychology, obviously. Meaning they want us to pull it!" Mantech grinned at his apparent cleverness, then reached out and tugged on the rope.
He frowned. "Wait... oops."
LuxDragon slapped his forehead.
*Grrrrrk!* The sound of stone moving on stone echoed within the circular room, and all three temporary commandos looked up to see the ceiling rushing down on top of them.
"Door! Door! Open! Quick!" Aaron started panicking, and fumbled with what looked like an old flintlock pistol strapped to his waist.
"No time! Take cover!" Mantech threw an explosive at the door, and he and his companions were nearly blown off their feet from the pressure of the explosion in such a small enclosed area.
"There! Now-"
*SMASH!!!*

The three temporary rescuers respawned in the tunnel beyond the circular room, luckily, sparing them the trouble of waiting for the huge ceiling trap to reset itself.
LuxDragon sighed. "Well, I say, screw Black and let's go home."
Mantech1 shook his head and stepped forward. "Feh! Don't be a wimp! We've just started! Are you going to give up just because of a few near-death experiences?"
Aaron stared at him. "Near-death?"
Mantech blinked. "Well... I mean, what would you call them? Mostly-death experiences?"
"Maybe undead experiences?"
"No, we're definitely not undead. Resurrected-death experiences?"
LuxDragon continued on ahead, making sure to keep his arms at his sides. 'I must not shoot my teammates. I must not shoot my teammates. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Just take a deep breath and count to ten. That's right......'
*Boom!!*
LuxDragon stumbled, then turned around briskly.
"WHAT are you doing?!"
Mantech looked at him, and then immediately hid the remote-control detonator behind his back. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"
Aaron looked into the room behind the ruined wall and whistled. "Hey! Come look at this stuff!"
His companions shared a glance, then entered the former doorway (now a blackened hole in the brick wall).
LuxDragon stared at the miscellaneous items scattered around the room. "Wow... look, a hardsuit! And this is a Henshin stick!"
Mantech1 laughed. "All right! Weapons rack! Reverse-blade sword, plasma rifle, tenchi-ken, zabatou..."
Aaron entered the next room and stared in wonder. "WHOA!!! There must be mecha from every giant robot series ever created! There are like 30 different Gundams in here!"
LuxDragon shook his head as he joined Aaron at the entrance to the mech room. "They've even got a Nanban mirror and a koi rod. Remarkable. Huh. Is that Voltron?"
He spent a moment appreciating the giant robots, then turned back to the main storage room.
Lux sweatdropped as he realized that half the items in the room were gone. "Uh... What happened here?"
Mantech looked at him irritably. "What? What are you looking at me for? What did I do? Do you have any proof?! HUH?!?!"
Lux sweatdropped and shook his head. 'Why, oh why must I always pair up with the asylum escapees? ... Great, now I'm having flashbacks to my Junior Prom.'
Aaron looked through a different doorway, then gestured to the others. "Hey guys! Com'ere! You gotta see this!"
Mantech1 and LuxDragon peeked into the next room, and their eyes widened at the sight. Laid out before them, in a vast hallway with gilded walls, lay a red velvet carpet surrounded on both sides by glass cases, each containing within it a mallet.
"The legendary Hall of Hammers," Aaron breathed.
"Peachy," Lux deadpanned.
There were mallets of every shape, size, and material composition within the hall. Some had iron heads, many were wooden. Some could fit inside a large pocket, while some were big enough so that it was hard to imagine anyone but Mousse being able to hide them away.
LuxDragon shook his head, and walked down the hall with Aaron. Mantech lagged behind a bit, as he was strapping C4 blocks to various display cases.

It was in those golden halls that they encountered the first of many Knights that they would face in their quest. It was an experience none of them would forget...
"HALT HERETICS!!! We will-"
LuxDragon drew his twin handguns. *Blam* *Blam* *Blam* *Blam*
Two corpses hit the ground.
"Heh heh. No respawn for these punks." Mantech1 grinned and finished arming the last of the plastic explosives.
... At least, they didn't forget it for a good two minutes.
"Ah man, I got blood on my shoe."
"Stop whining Aaron."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Chain lighting!" *Zap* *Crack* *Zakk*
"Mouko Takabisha!" *Boom!*
"Suck on this, intolerant flamers!" *Rattattattattattattatta!!*

Soon, the last Knight of the True Fiancee hit the ground in a smoking heap, and the three fighters looked around themselves in approval at their handiwork.
"We should get one of those kill counters in the corner, like they had in Hotshots 2," Ranma mused.
Max started fiddling with one of his gauntlets. "I have one of those. Hold on a sec, I'll get your score."
CyMage ignored his companions, instead walking up to a heavily reinforced doorway that led further into the cathedral. A yellow glow illuminate the tip of his staff, and a bolt of pure energy shot out and disintegrated a large chunk of the thick steel, easily enough for the average person to step through.
"Here we go. CyMage got 42. You got 24. I have 37 kills." He gave the mysterious sorcerer a thumbs-up. "Way to go Cy!"
Ranma gave Max an irritated stare. "What? I got the least?"
Max shrugged. "Martial arts is made for defense and one-on-one combat, not widespread manslaughter."
Ranma simply grumbled to himself.
CyMage silenced them with a wave of his staff. "Quiet. We are entering... the Kitchens of Doom!"

The three warriors stepped forward cautiously, and each looked nervously at the luminescent green goo that was spread haphazardly around on the floors.
CyMage's hood swayed back and forth as he took in the large reddish-brown stains on the wall. "What is all this?"
"Akane's chicken surprise."
CyMage and Max turned to look at Ranma. He shuddered.
"The 'surprise' is that it can form a poisonous, rock-hard crust on any metal surface it touches. Actually, if you put it in a tin can, you can grow a little crystal farm. That's what I did for my sophomore science project."
The others sweatdropped.
"Graaah!!"
The cry elicited a startled gasp from the assembled warriors, and they all turned to see a huge yellow mass sliding across the floor towards them.
"Holy mother! What is that?!" CyMage shot a beam of light into the creature, which was completely absorbed with no ill effects.
Ranma gulped. "Akane's vegetable tempura! Don't waste your energy, it's pretty much invincible! This way!"
He ran down a different hallway, and Max and CyMage exchanged a glance before following him. They continued running, up until a thin, ribbon-like protrusion snaked down and narrowly missed snagging Ranma.
"Look out! It's her broiled unagi!" Ranma flipped away as the slimy, mutated eel lashed at him again.
Purple energy flashed from Max's gauntlets, and formed a thick blade of energy. A dull screech echoed in the steel halls as the unagi was slashed in two.
CyMage stared in disbelief as the cut portion of the unagi grew a small lump that might have been a head once, and then started to make its way toward Max. A blast of fire from his staff elicited another dull scream, and the rather poor excuse for an entree shriveled up.
"There's more! Miso soup and rice bombs incoming!" Ranma jumped to the side, and started running down a different passageway. His companions followed nervously.
"Wait, rice bombs? Don't you mean rice balls?"
Ranma shuddered. "Not after Akane gets her hands on them. How she mistook nitroglycerin for canola oil still confuses the heck outa me."
CyMage turned, and raised a shield just in time, as multiple detonations tore up the hall behind them.
Ranma gasped. "Damn! More tempura! Akane made seconds!!"
CyMage and Max both poured lightning bolts into the slimy yellow entity, but to absolutely no effect. The mound of goo shook violently, and a massive, vein-covered eye poked its way through to stare at them.
"Oh, crud." Ranma looked around, then charged his way through a metal wall with a nasty yellowish stain on it. The stained metal came apart like a wall of dried paint, shattering into fragile chips.
CyMage and Max wasted no time in following Ranma's lead, and barreled into the other hallway. The trio picked a direction, and kept running.
"What was that stuff on the wall?" Max gasped out.
Ranma shook his head. "Akane's miso soup. It's a really, really strong acid." He was still breathing easy, having much better physical conditioning.
CyMage sped forward, utilizing his magic to hover just two inches above the floor. "Where does this tunnel lead?"
Ranma shot him an annoyed look. "You think I know?"
Suddenly, the hallway came to an end.

Ranma, Max, and CyMage all sweatdropped as they beheld a massive group of people all on their knees with their heads bowed. In the center of the congregation, Akane sat in a huge golden throne in her training gi, looking bored as the people around her whispered words of praise and devotion.
Akane noticed the small group that was gaping at the edge of her swarm of fanatic followers, and scowled.
"So! These are the intruders?! Hmph. They don't look like much to me." Her attention centered on Ranma. "And what do you think YOU'RE doing, you stupid jerk?! Helping these idiots to cause trouble! You're always making a mess of things!"
The crowd immediately got up and turned to face the intruders. "So! They come! And the pigtailed one is with them! Come to ask his forgiveness for his crimes against the goddess Tendo, and surrender himself to her, no doubt?"
Ranma snorted. "Hardly. Look, I'm just here for a friend of mine, okay? So how about you just hand him over, and we all leave without anybody getting hurt. Okay?"
Several of the Knights began hefting large, heavy objects.
"HOLD IT!!! STOP!!!" Everyone froze, then stared at CyMage, who was pointing at Akane.
"What's going on here?! I thought Akane was back at the studio!!"
Max blinked, then shook his head. "No, no, that's not the real Akane at the studio. She's an alternate. This is the real Akane."
CyMage blinked, though nobody could tell through the shadows of his hood. "Alternate? What?"
Ranma coughed, and everyone turned their attention towards him. Ranma flipped on a pair of glasses, then took a large book out of nowhere and opened it.
"'Alternates' are versions, or more accurately, copies of anime characters that are fundamentally the same as their original counterparts, but lacking a certain trait or traits that are important to or define said character. In addition, they may possess certain skills, abilities, or qualities of their original counterpart, but lack the experience of that counterpart, or certain qualities that define a given experience." Ranma took off his glasses and banished the book back to the depths of anime storage-space. "For example, canon Ranma has the libido of a dead fish. The last night I spent alone was on my fourteenth birthday."
CyMage blinked. "Uh huh... so, what's the difference between our Akane and this one?"
Ranma smirked. "Actor Akane means it when she says she doesn't care what I do with other girls. She loses the jealousy factor."
"I am NOT jealous!!" The rescue team remembered themselves for a moment, and turned back towards the horde of zealots getting ready to crush them. CyMage's staff started to glow.
Suddenly, the sorcerer pointed behind the crowd of misguided otaku. "Hey, look over there! It's a 100 yen coin!" Predictably, every one of them turned around and started searching the ground before them.
The light on CyMage's staff expanded, and he and his comrades were swallowed up in a sphere of pulsating energy before disappearing completely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Intruders! Halt!" The guards rushed forward recklessly, bringing wooden mallets to bear as their target raised a flimsy-looking flintlock pistol and aimed...
*Blam!* A small red gem flew from the barrel of the primitive weapon, and struck the lead guard straight in the chest.
*KABOOM!!!* The detonation wiped out all of the Knights in the hallway, as well as leaving really neat scorch marks on the wall. Aaron, Mantech1, and LuxDragon were all forced to cover their faces with their arms as the heat wave washed over them.
Mantech lowered his arms, and whistled appreciatively. "Napalm effect! NICE!!!"
Aaron shrugged and pocketed his plas-crys flintlock pistol.
LuxDragon walked past his comrades, then stopped at a wooden door. He unsheathed the large sword on his back, and then smashed the door apart with one deft stroke.
"All right! Listen up!" LuxDragon stepped into the hallway of the prisons, with Mantech and Aaron stepping on either side right behind him. "We just went through a lot of shit to get here, and the next shift of guards will be here in about 5 minutes. Now which one of you losers is Black Dragon?"
Several of the prisoners blinked.
"I'm Black Dragon!"
"No, I am!"
"Me! Me! I'm Black Dragon!"
"You're not even black!"
"It's just a pen name, fool! I'm Black Dragon!"
"I am!"
LuxDragon, Mantech1, and Aaron all sweatdropped as the prisoners started bickering.
Aaron turned to his companions. "So... okay... what does this guy look like?"
They blinked. LuxDragon shrugged. "Got me. I've never met him, I've only negotiated with Max."
They turned to Mantech.
He bigsweated, then scratched his head. "Uh... well, I met him once. I think he was blond."
"My hair is dark brown!"
Mantech's forehead wrinkled in thought. "He was definitely Asian."
"I'm Hispanic!"
Mantech blinked. "Wait... I think BD was a girl."
*Crash* The sound of facefaulting could be heard.
Mantech looked thoughtful for a few more moments. "No, never mind. I'm thinking of someone else."
Lux and Aaron sweatdropped again. Then Lux sighed, and pointed to a cell at random.
"You! Are you Black Dragon?"
The man addressed blinked rapidly, then nodded. "Yeah! That's me! Black Dragon! Right!"
"NO YOU'RE NOT!!!" The shout was ignored.
*Shing!* LuxDragon easily sliced the door of the cell open with his broadsword, and Mantech and Aaron retrieved the man inside.
"All right, let's go." Lux let his companions pass by him with their rescued prisoner, then began to follow them out of the cell block.
"Heh heh, you know, I'm not really Black Dragon..." the man was ignored as Mantech and Aaron continued dragging him out.
"No, seriously, I was just joking. I'm not Black Dragon. I think he's that one over there. Hey! Stop! Come on! Put me back!"
*Rrrrrrk!* The heavy door let off an echoing boom as LuxDragon shut it, ignoring the pleas of their liberated prisoner.

Back in his cell, Black Dragon banged his head against the wall repeatedly.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"No, you see, I was just SAYING I was Black Dragon. He's really still back there."
Mantech1 turned to Aaron. "Hey Darwithe, think we've milked the Monty Python in-joke enough?"
Aaron nodded, then stopped. LuxDragon walked past them, then turned to face the liberated man.
"All right, if you're not really Black Dragon, who are you?"
The man blinked. "Me? I'm Tomas Megerson."
"................................................." Was the general response.
Lux turned back around suddenly, then gestured for his companions to follow with the author.
"We're going to keep going? We're really going to leave BD here?" Mantech frowned.
LuxDragon turned around again while still keeping pace with the others, walking backwards. "You think I'm going to rescue Black and leave TOMAS MEGERSON to rot in a KoTF prison cell?"
Mantech and Aaron blinked.
"Good point."
Tomas shrugged. "Okay, fine, but can you at least let go of me? I can walk, you know."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Ranma pulled another banana peel off his leg and gave a disgusted glance at the thick, brackish liquid that had stained his shirt sleeve. "I can't believe you phased us right into a garbage dump. Couldn't you have aimed just a few meters to the left?"
CyMage shrugged. Mysteriously enough, he had managed to get out of the dump without any perceptible contact with the garbage. "Group teleportation is tricky. I managed to get us into the lower levels, and we didn't phase into a wall, so stop complaining." Ranma continued grumbling anyway.
Max pushed a button on his grime-covered gauntlets, and a miniature hologram appeared showing the tunnels below the Knight cathedral. "All right, we should be coming up on the dungeon right now."
"And then to complete the cliche, the compactor function kicks in, and the walls nearly crush us!" Max and CyMage ignored Ranma as the group came to a large wooden door with a small rectangle of metal built in at eye level.
Max stared for a moment, then knocked on the door.
The sound of footsteps reverberated through the halls, and the replacement guard slid the rectangle of metal to the side so that he could see through the door. "Yeah? What do you want?"
Max coughed. "We're here to rescue one of your prisoners. A man by the name of Black Dragon."
The guard shifted his view to look directly at Max. "Black Dragon, you say?"
Max nodded. The small view slot closed.
The temporary commandos looked at each other for a moment, and then the view slot opened again.
"M'fraid there's no 'Black Dragon' here. Sorry."
Max blinked. "What do you mean he's not here?"
"He's not on the list."
CyMage stepped closer to Max so that he could peer into the slot. "What list?"
The guard stared at CyMage for a moment, but gave up trying to see past the shadows of his hood. "The list of prisoners, of course. He's not on there."
Max considered this. "Well, is it possible that there's a mistake on the list?"
The guard shrugged. "Maybe. It could happen, I suppose."
"Well then, could you let us come in and maybe ask around for Black Dragon?" CyMage reasoned.
The guard shook his head. "Nope, sorry. If he's not here, then I can't let you in. And if he's not on the list, then he's probably not here."
Max growled slightly. "Well, look at the list again! Maybe you missed him!"
The guard's face backed away from the slot momentarily. "Nope. I've got a Black Knight, and a Fire Dragon, but no Black Dragon."
CyMage sighed. "Well, is it POSSIBLE that maybe the list is mistaken, and you have a Fire Knight and a Black Dragon?"
The guard considered it. "Maybe..."
"Well, do you think you could just go and ask real quick?" CyMage snapped, his patience running short.
"All right, all right, no need to be rude about it..." the guard's grumbling faded as he walked further into the dungeon.
After a few moments, the pair of beady eyes was once more visible through the view slot. "You're right! I've got him right over there!"
CyMage nodded. "Good. So Black Dragon is here, then."
"Black Dragon? No, I've got Fire Knight."
*Crash!* Ranma, CyMage, and Max all picked themselves off the floor slowly.
Max grasped the door on either side of the small slot, his fingers digging into the thick, dry wood. "Look!! We're here for BLACK DRAGON!!! Is there a Black Dragon back there or not?!"
The guard shrunk back immediately, and grumbled louder as he left for the cells again.
Max fumed not-so-silently until the man returned.
"Well, you're right again. I've got him in the back cells. Poor fool was going to be put into her goddess Akane's kitchens, too."
The group of rescuers shuddered collectively. Max calmed himself, and stopped leaning against the door.
"Okay then, let's see him."
The guard smiled sheepishly. "Nope, sorry. You see, I can't let you in if he IS here, either."
CyMage and Ranma each stepped back as Max went absolutely silent and glared at the foolish little man on the other side of the wooden barrier. The gauntlet was raised. There was a flashy energy charging effect.
*KABLAAAAM!!!!*
CyMage and Ranma nodded at the huge blackened area that was once a doorway set in a reinforced stone wall.
"We really should have just done that in the first place," Ranma mused.
It wasn't long before they located the right cell, and Ranma smashed the door apart easily.
"Man! What a lucky break! Thanks you guys, I-" BD stopped and stared at Max, who had suddenly gotten big-and-watery eyes and was staring at him with his fists bunched up under his chin.
"BOSS!!!!" *Mega-Glomp* "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I missed you so much!!"
CyMage and Ranma winced in sympathy as they watched the assistant director crush the life out of his employer/master.
"C-C-Can't... b-b-b-breathe... life force... fading......" Max finally dropped him, and BD gasped for breath as Max started to ask about his health and fuss over him like a mother.
"Well, that's one of the most pathetic things I've ever seen in my life." CyMage tapped his staff on the ground, and managed to get everyone's attention. "All right, Black Dragon, it's good to see you, especially as you're paying my bill, but we just created a rather loud explosion, and there's no doubt a huge contingency of Knights ready to tear us to little tiny pieces. So if we could move it along..."
BD nodded. "Right. Just let me get something real quick, and we can get out of this dump."
CyMage and Max nodded, and exited the dungeon.

Ranma looked about outside the dungeon entrance, then shook his head. "It's all clear! Let's get a move on!"
CyMage and Max rushed past him towards a stairwell, and then rushed upward. Black Dragon began to follow, only to be bowled over as the aforementioned individuals backed right down the stairs again.
"There's a ton of Knights up there! We're trapped!"
CyMage gulped and nodded. "They have tempura with them! We can't fight our way out!"
BD's left eye started to twitch slightly. "Well... all right then..."
Ranma stared at his companions. "Well?! We gotta do something!"
CyMage lifted his staff. "I... I guess I can try another teleport..."
"Don't bother."
The others all looked at BD as he took out a remote control, and hit a button on it. Then he slipped the device back in his jacket.
CyMage sweatdropped. "Uh... was that supposed to help somehow?"
BD smirked. "Just wait for it. And keep a strong shield up, or we'll die too."
Ranma and CyMage looked at each other dubiously, while Max suddenly looked nervous.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, in a firefight far, far away...

*Pshoo* *Pshoo* *Pshoo* *Pshoo*
"Rayden! Cut off the back entry!" Ranma ducked behind another crate to avoid the incoming blaster fire, then took out two defenders in quick succession from his new defensive position.
*BOOOOOM!!!!*
"Got it! They won't be gettin' through!!" Rayden hefted an oversized blaster carbine, and punched a hole right through a bulkhead to spear the guard behind it.
The captain of the cargo ship growled. "Give yourself up, pirate scum! You won't get out of this alive!!"
Ranma grinned, then put a hand to his mouth. "Oh yeah?! You wanna bet, jer-" *Beep!* *Beep!* *Beep!*
Ranma blinked, then suddenly stood up in the midst of the crossfire and held out a palm. "Stop! Hold on a sec!!"
Several of the defenders stopped firing in confusion, while others merely slowed their ineffectual rate of fire, eventually lowering their weapons.
The captain blinked. "Something wrong?"
Ranma looked down at his belt. "Just hold on a sec. My pager went off."
The defenders sweatdropped collectively.
Ranma groaned disgustedly. "Aw, great. It's BD. He needs an air strike. Come on Rayden."
The large man gave a heavy sigh, then hefted his heavy laser cannon and walked to the airlock.
Ranma turned toward the guards of the beleaguered cargo vessel. "Look, I hafta go. I'm sorry about the inconvenience, or the convenience, or whatever, but I'll have to pillage you guys later. My boss needs me to demolish something." With that, Ranma rushed out after his subordinate, leaving a baffled group of soldiers behind.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Ha ha ha!! We have them now! The heretics will pay for defiling our sacred temple and holy cathedral!"
The other Knights would have joined the self-proclaimed priest in victorious laughter, but they were too busy trying to coax Akane's vegetable tempura forward toward the stairwell without touching its highly acidic body mass.
One of the Knights near the back was next to a window, and was thus in the perfect position to catch a flash of red descending very quickly towards the cathedral.
"Hey guys, what's that?"
Several other worshippers of the Eternal Tomboy turned toward him. "What?"
The scream of the engines was audible now, especially as the craft had completed its high-speed orbital entry.
The sound of a torrent of plasma bombs and proton torpedoes leaving their launchers was somewhat more subtle, and thus the significance of their deployment was lost completely, until it was far too late.

*SHRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!*
*KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!*
__________________________________________________________________________________

The time: 8:30 PM.
The place: Los Angeles, California.
Just two hours after the explosion that destroyed over a square mile of land and killed a lot of people, a party was being held. There was singing, and dancing, drinking, and even some stripping (Shampoo apparently couldn't hold her liquor very well).
But most importantly, there was an execution.

BD coughed, and then regarded the man tied firmly to a wooden post who was glaring at him. "Prism Knight, you have been, to put it bluntly, a major pain in the ass. You took over my studio, overpaid the lower-level employees, and let a bunch of masochists and sadists capture and torture me. If it weren't for my loyal assistant," BD smiled appreciatively at Max, who raised his drink to his director, "as well as a bunch of other guys who really didn't care at all, then I'd be shoveling toxic sushi into my mouth right now."
PK struggled mightily, but the ropes held strong, and the gag worked perfectly. Black Dragon turned his attention to the gasoline-soaked wood piled under his brother.
"So, despite the fact that I'll have to clean the kitchen after dinner from now on, I must now sentence you to death. It may seem a little extreme, but then, we're not the most tolerant of people." There were nods of agreement all around.
BD clasped his hands behind his back, then stepped away. "Let's see now... how do they say? Ah, yes! Payback's a bitch. CyMage, if you would do the honors?"
The mysterious sorcerer nodded, and the tip of his staff lit aflame. PK struggled against his bonds in vain, and the gag muffled his pained cries as the gasoline caught.
"Koombaya, my lord, koombaya... koombaya, my lord, koombaya... oooooooooh lord, koombayaaaaaa..." Mantech1 stopped singing, and several of the other people around the bonfire applauded. Then the festivities started up again.

"So, let me get this straight. While we were off finding BD, you guys were rescuing Nighthawk?" Ranma stared incredulously at LuxDragon, who nodded happily.
"Yup. Kind of makes your pitiful efforts seem kind of insignificant, huh?" Ranma snorted, but reluctantly nodded.

"There's no way! How do I owe you THIS much?" Black Dragon glared at CyMage, who shrugged.
"I get a standard hourly fee plus a bonus for enemies killed, as well as an additional service charge if I make sure to act cool while doing it. It doesn't matter though. That's my invoice. Pay it, or you'll wish the Knights still had you."

"I swear, it was THIS big!"
"I know that, I was there, dolt."

"Woo! Shake it baby!"
"C'mon Shampoo! Take it OFF!!"
"Hold it... I think she's sobering up a little..."
"Awwwwwwww......"

"Your attention please!!" Black Dragon stood atop the pedestal on one side of the empty lot, and looked over the crowd as everyone turned to face him.
"I just wanted to take a few moments to say how much I appreciate all this. You, my friends, have rescued me from a fate worse than death. Worse than hell itself, I'd say." He took a sip of root beer, then cleared his throat.
"What my brother has done shall be undone! Never shall another mushy, overdramatic romance plague these unholy sets! Never again shall my actors be restricted in their actions!! And NEVER, EVER AGAIN shall any studio employees under the actors live for more than a week at a time!!!"
The crowd erupted in wild cheers, and various items were spontaneously thrown onto the stage. Fortunately for BD, most of them missed.
"NOW!!! LET A NEW AGE OF DESTRUCTION AND HAVOC REIGN!!! WE SHALL BRING SUFFERING AND POOR CHARACTERIZATION TO ALL MANKIND!!! REJOICE, MY FRIENDS!!!"
A whole new wave of cheers started. Ranma suddenly jumped onto the stage.
"All right!! All the girls, each of you find a white t-shirt and meet me on the set in 5 minutes!!" Ranma jumped off the pedestal and rushed off to get a hose.
The females in the group (minus Akane, who was muttering to herself) all shared a look of understanding, then rushed off toward their dressing rooms.
The men in the group shared a look of greater understanding, grinned widely, and then rushed off to watch.

BD stared at where the milling mass had been just moments before. Akane stared back at him.
He was just about to sit down and sink into depression when his assistant director returned.
"Max! Old buddy! I knew you'd come back! So..." BD trailed off as his friend passed him, picked up a keg of liquor, and then turned back the way he had come.
Black Dragon looked around desperately. "Uh... Akane! Old buddy!" Her eyes narrowed at him. "Never mind."
Shrugging to herself, the actor pulled a bottle of amber liquid from a cooler next to the pedestal. After a moment of thought, she waved the bottle at her employer. "Scotch?"
BD lifted his head from his moping. "I don't drink."
Akane shrugged again. "I won't tell anyone."
"No ice, please."

**********************************************************************************

Author's Notes:
That's it. I'm done. This is the final chapter to my second most shameful achievement as an author.
For those who like this story and are disappointed to see it end, well, first off, I pity you for liking it. Second, I'm sorry, but it would seem that whatever chemicals that polluted my city's water supply have been filtered out, and I'm no longer suffering from delusions or hallucinations. Think of it as temporary sanity, if you will.
This hereby marks the first fanfiction "series" that I've ever completed. Somehow, it seems to be something less of an accomplishment than what I hoped.