"Today we'll discuss the pigtailed beast with his physical science teacher, Professor Richard!" the cat-like instructor said, gesturing to the undead warlock sitting next to her silently.

Richard remained silent for several seconds, and Shizuka's excited demeanor slowly wilted as it seemed like her guest wasn't going to speak.

Finally, Richard glared at Shizuka and coughed into his fist meaningfully.

Shizuka sighed as she realized what it was that the warlock wanted. "Sorry. Professor Richard, Chief Warlock of the Brothers of Darkness, Emperor of the Black, Master of the Bones, Lord of the Undead, etc. etc."

Richard raised an eyebrow at her. "Is that all? You didn't even mention the Union. Also, I'm the Lord of the Dance, now."

"Does it really matter?" the homeroom teacher complained, her cheery mood thoroughly wrecked.

"I believe your contract is up for renegotiation next year, is it not?"

"Just get on with it!" Shizuka yowled.

Richard snorted. "Fine. But you can kiss your tenure goodbye." He then shifted into a thoughtful pose with his hands clasped over one knee. "If I had to guess at Saotome's species, I'd place him as a spider-person, actually. Probably some kind of jumper species."

"A spider monster? Why?" Shizuka asked, her ears twitching.

"Two reasons, really. One, he adheres quite well to the ceiling when he wants to. Secondly, his agility and senses seem to mirror a spider's abilities, at least insofar as Marvel Comics is concerned. In addition, he has a rather proud, yet stubbornly indifferent bearing that reminds me of the spider. The spider nests freely and carelessly where it wishes, often in the abode of large, dangerous creatures that consider it a pest. The way Saotome continues to act as my aide with grudging resignation yet persists in defying and resisting me reminds me of the noble arachnid."

"Really?" Shizuka said, looking a bit doubtful about the comparison.

"... Well, it's mostly the ceiling thing," Richard admitted. "Though he does seem to get along well with lesser spiders; I think I heard him say he was training them as guards or something."

"Fascinating," Shizuka said, "now go away."

Turning on her heel, the cat-like teacher grinned as Richard slunk away. "Another chapter, another bold guess! What will events reveal to us? Stay tuned!"

Black Dragon Productions proudly presents
a Ranma and Rosario Plus Vampire crossover

Disclaimer: Funny story. That last chapter? With the OC? Totally thought she was unique. I haven't read the second series yet, and I hadn't heard of Sun. Halfway through the chapter someone tells me that Kana happens to be a lot like a DIFFERENT siren from later on in the series. How's that for irony? Oh well!

Key: Writing/Emphasis, Sounds, 'Thoughts', "Speech", (Comments that you can freely ignore)

Big Human on Campus
Chapter 3
Eight Legged Freaks

Ranma considered himself, above all other things, to be adaptable. If one asked him what his best trait was, they could get any one of dozens of answers, ranging from "all of them" to "how incredibly awesome I am," but if one actually sat down with Ranma and got him to take the question seriously, he'd mention how he was able to eventually overcome any obstacle or acclimate to any conditions.

There was really no other explanation for his life. Despite his general distaste for his curse, he'd learned to use it to his advantage when he could and manage the fallout on the many occasions in which it screwed him over. Soon he was content enough with his condition that he didn't even pursue a cure unless it practically fell into his lap.

Other individuals might have gone crazy with the assortment of violently jealous women fighting over them, or the even more jealous rivals fighting desperately for the girls' affections. At the very least, they would have been spurred to resolve the situation in some way, either to relieve themselves of the constant hardship or to finally conclude the brutal, overdramatic tug-of-war over their affections.

Ranma took it all in stride, rarely acting, and constantly reacting. No matter what anyone threw at him, he would beat it or just get used to it. No matter how difficult his situation, he bent but he would not break.

Actually, that wasn't entirely true; there was one, and only one, creature that was capable of snapping Ranma's near-impenetrable psyche. The dreaded housecat was a terrifying and lazy creature, evil-minded and adorable with a sadistic penchant for inflicting pain and lapping up attention. Ranma well knew the dangers of the beast, not that anyone else ever listened to him, and went to great lengths to avoid the creatures.

Which was why he found listing every nation's capital he could think of while standing right next to a big, woman-shaped one so disconcerting.


"Ranma, is it just me or is your handwriting getting worse and worse even as we speak?" Miss Nekonome asked, cocking her head to one side.

Ranma flinched, causing another shaky line of Katakana to mutate into a haphazard slash of chalk. He really wished his homeroom teacher wouldn't use his first name. He much preferred Hinako's polite, professional tone to Nekonome's friendlier one. He also preferred Hinako's penchant for sucking the life force out of people to Nekonome's habit of styling her hair in the shape of cat ears.

Moka sighed as she sat back in her chair, giving up on reading the chaotic scribbling on the board. "It's not just you, Sensei."

There was a great deal of chuckling throughout the class, and a gloom began to hang over Ranma's head. "S-Sorry. I th-think I know a f-few more..."

Shizuka raised an eyebrow as she watched Ranma write on the board nervously, beads of sweat rolling down his head. "Now you're just writing 'cat' over and over. Why don't you have a seat, Ranma? I think that's enough."

"Th-Thank you," Ranma stammered, quickly moving away from his homeroom teacher and lurching toward his seat in an awkward half-dash that almost had him tripping over his own feet.

Many of the other students felt the urge to snicker at the sight, although few gave in to the temptation. Even as they enjoyed the sight of one of the more arrogant and formidable students making a fool of himself, a nagging thought in the back of their minds made them wonder: why exactly did Ranma Saotome, someone who traded barbs with the Dark Liege and occasionally traded energy bolts with Jadeite and Richard, quake at the sight of the adorable and friendly homeroom teacher, anyway?

There were theories, of course. Some thought that Miss Nekonome had some juicy blackmail material on the pigtailed boy; many ventured that she was the only one that knew Ranma's true species, and that it was such a horrifying secret that the mere threat of revelation was enough to keep him in line. Many others thought that perhaps Miss Nekonome wasn't as harmless as she seemed, and that Ranma had picked a fight with her that he dearly regretted.

There was a third camp as well that ventured that Ranma might have some sort of bizarre phobia that applied to Shizuka and not the numerous actual threats that he happily provoked, but nobody took them seriously. What would the phobia be, a fear of petite middle-aged women? Ridiculous.


"All right everyone, pay attention now!" Shizuka requested, clapping her hands together. "Now that we're getting into the swing of things this semester, it's time for you freshman to find clubs to join!"

There were a few confused glances at this, so she elaborated.

"All students are required to join at least one club over the course of their instruction to give extra practice at maintaining your human form, interacting with others, and performing activities common in the human world! It also wouldn't hurt to have a few extracurriculars for your university applications!"

'Monster college, huh? That must be a riot,' Ranma thought, 'Who knew not killing people was a higher education goal?'

"Make sure to check out my newspaper club as well, everyone!" Shizuka said excitedly. "Class dismissed!"

"Clubs, huh? That's a new one," Ranma mumbled as he followed Tsukune and Moka through the halls.

"What do you mean? Aren't you a few grades ahead of us?" Tsukune asked. "You never belonged to a school club?"

"Nah, wasn't my thing," Ranma explained as he glanced at the various students and teachers advertising their groups. "Furinkan didn't require us to join any clubs, so I didn't bother. A few of the sports teams wanted me to join 'em, but what's the point?"

"It could let you show off your physical prowess in a way that doesn't involve hurting anyone," Moka suggested dryly.

"Yeah, exactly. Pointless," Ranma said, nodding as the vampiress massaged her forehead. "I might have joined a martial arts club if there was one, but in Nerima there are so many schools of martial arts that nobody wants to practice simple kenpo or karate. And while martial arts tea ceremony was kind of fun, it's not the kind of thing I want to do every week, you know?"

Tsukune stared incredulously at the pigtailed boy. "Martial arts WHAT? How can tea ceremony-"

"Never mind that, Tsukune," Moka insisted, grabbing the boy's arm and tugging him along, "we have to find a club to join, right?"

"But... martial arts tea ceremony?"

"If you think about it too much, you might catch Ranma's crazy," Moka warned, ignoring said boy's indignant look and orienting Tsukune toward the milling crowd. "Look at all the groups on display!"

Ranma was gratified to see that at least the student clubs seemed to have a great deal of variety and inhuman touch to them even with most of the classes seeming mostly ordinary and mundane (Richard's homicidal streak notwithstanding). There was a club based on mummies and another one that seemed to be populated with ghosts. The science club toted a few limbs that moved on their own and seemed to have a definite dissection focus, while the debate club featured rather amusing topics such as the health benefits of eating meat while it's still alive.

However interested Ranma was by the colorful array of monsters touting their individual interests, Tsukune was, however, an extremely ordinary person, and naturally he wanted to join the first ordinary club they found: the swimming club.

"Look you guys!" the younger boy said excitedly as a small parade of girls wearing swimsuits marched through the crowd, waving to the students. "Swimming sounds like fun, right? Why don't we give this one a try?"

Tsukune had to fight down a sigh of relief at finding a club that was both very normal and involved the one physical skill he was actually good at. It certainly didn't hurt that joining the club would oblige Moka to attend wearing a swimsuit, either.

"Uh... swimming?" Moka asked, her voice betraying a remarkable lack of excitement that immediately cut down Tsukune's optimism.

"Yeah! Swimming's a lot of fun!" Tsukune said with some desperation, the girls in bikinis nodding happily behind him. "Don't you think so, Ranma?"

The younger boy's face darkened as he saw that Ranma was facing away, avoiding eye contact as a sweatdrop rolled down his head.

"Oh... right... cold water..." Tsukune said miserably.

"Why don't we go look for something else?" Moka said as she grabbed one of Tsukune's hands.

"Ditto," Ranma said simply as he took the younger boy's other hand, and the two of them quickly dragged Tsukune away from the pouting scantily-clad girls and down the hall.


"So if swimming is out, is there any other club around here that's normal?" Tsukune asked, his voice depressed.

"Why are you set on a normal club?" Ranma asked, glancing back at his younger friend. "I mean, as long as we're going to a monster school, doesn't it make sense to do something special?"

"But some of these clubs look dangerous!" Tsukune insisted.

"What do you mean?" Moka asked curiously, looking back at Tsukune with Ranma.

In response, Tsukune pointed ahead of them.

Ranma and Moka turned, and the former's face darkened as he saw Professor Richard standing at attention next to a sign that said "Orphan Club." Most of the students were giving him a wide berth, and as a result he looked rather out of place with a large bubble of empty hallway around him amidst the throng of excited students.

Moka cocked her head to the side. "Orphan Club? Do you help children who have lost their families?"

"Pffft!" Richard snorted violently, his head shaking before he erupted into incredulous laughter. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha haaa! Ha ha ha ha haaa-no," he said suddenly, straightening as Moka's expression darkened to match Ranma's.

"Then what's the point of the club?" Tsukune asked cautiously.

"It's not a club about orphans, it's a club for orphans," Richard explained plainly, clasping his hands behind his back.

"So... what? Only orphans can join your club?" Ranma asked.

"Oh, no, that's not the case at all," the warlock insisted. "If you're not an orphan when you join, we can fix that later."

The three teenagers all adopted expressions ranging from horrified to annoyed.

"It's actually one of my favorite club activities!" Richard explained happily even as the three students quickly moved away. "Wait! Do you want a pamphlet? It has pictures!"


Once they were a sufficient distance away from the warlock, the trio silently agreed to forget all about what they had just seen and heard and explore more possible activities.

"Ooh, how about this?" Moka said suddenly, attracting Ranma and Tsukune's attention as she dashed over to a booth off in a corner of the hallway. "A nursing club!"

Ranma and Tsukune shared a glance, both being fairly uninterested, but shrugged it off after a moment. Tsukune reasoned that a nursing club was probably as normal as the activities were going to get outside of basic sports, and Ranma reasoned that it might be a good idea to get on good terms with the nursing staff in preparation for eventually ending up in their care.

"Ah, thank you for your interest. I am the school nurse, Fran Madaraki," said the girl who greeted Moka as Ranma and Tsukune stepped up behind her. The girl didn't seem old enough to be a teacher, looking to be around Ranma's age with waist-long blond hair and a flat chest. Her most noticeable characteristics, however, were definitely the giant iron bolts sticking out of the sides of her head and the numerous stitchings around her face and hands, with the most prominent ones being all around her neck and two more that ran from the corners of her mouth and disappeared behind her hair.

Of course, the strangeness of the nurse hardly distracted from the strangeness of the numerous "people" behind the nurse. Many were of enormous or unusual stature, and all were fully covered in big coats, hazmat suits, or in one case, bandage wrappings that completely concealed their faces as well as everything else.

"What's up with those guys?" Ranma asked of the nurse, pointing to the figures wearing hazard suits. "Is there some kinda radiation spill around here?"

"Oh, no, nothing of the sort," Fran said pleasantly. "Those are merely my assistants."

"They're dressed rather... completely," Tsukune said awkwardly, staring nervously at one particular assistant who was wearing a hockey mask with some dried bloodstains on it.

"Ah, yes. My assistants must conceal their appearance entirely whenever out of the office in order to comply with school rules," Fran explained, which only added to the students' confusion. "Since everybody on campus must remain disguised as a human."

"I don't understand," Moka said, glancing at the creatures that stood unflinchingly at attention, "is there something wrong with their human forms?"

"Not exactly," the nurse admitted. "It's that we don't have strictly 'human' forms."

The three teenagers blinked.

"Being able to manifest a human appearance at will is a peculiar trait adapted by many monster species as a tool of survival amongst the inflating human populations, as well as the result of the occasional cross-breeding here and there," Fran elaborated. "Unfortunately, it's a trait I've so far been unable to instill in reanimated bodies."

"Reanimated bodies?" Ranma asked, so perplexed he didn't see Moka and Tsukune's faces darkening, "What's that mean?"

"It refers to an organic entity that has been constructed artificially from deceased tissue samples rather than through ordinary and natural growth," Fran explained. Upon seeing that the pigtailed boy still looked quite confused, she spent a moment to think up an appropriate simile. "All right, think of it this way: imagine if you could restore dead things to life. Not perfectly, of course. You couldn't really bring someone back from the dead, but you could start up that person's body again so that it could move and function on its own and follow commands and such."

Ranma nodded slowly.

"If that was the case, then rather than seeking out assistants to be trained and paid for their services, couldn't you instead simply gather some bodies and turn them into functional assistants without any needs beyond basic food, rest, and maintenance?" Fran elaborated, apparently oblivious to the uncomfortable expressions on Moka and Tsukune.

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," Ranma murmured. "They'd be like squishy robots or something, right?"

"Precisely," Fran agreed, smiling. "And if you could do that, it makes sense that instead of simply reanimating random bodies, you'd try to select bodies that are best suited to what you want the assistant to do. And with study and practice, you might as well go a step further and actually build entirely new bodies from different parts to make them even more effective, wouldn't you?"

Ranma nodded more quickly, actually becoming somewhat intrigued.

Fran smiled angelically. "That's a good example of the nursing club's activities. We do plenty of ordinary medical practice as well, but it's the goal of the nursing club to not only fix, but improve!"

"Wow, that sounds pretty-" before Ranma could finish his sentence, he felt each of his arms grabbed from behind, and suddenly found himself being dragged backward away from the nursing club booth. "Hey, what's the big idea?"

"Thank you Miss Madaraki," Moka said quickly as she helped Tsukune escape the area with Ranma. "We have to go now, but we'll definitely consider joining!" she lied.

"Hey, let's go this way! This way looks interesting!" Tsukune insisted, turning a corner to get themselves out of sight of the school nurse.


A few moments later, Ranma was walking on his own again, looking rather disappointed with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "I don't know what the big deal is. She seemed really nice. And that's like the first time I've EVER heard someone make science sound interesting."

"That's one kind of science you probably shouldn't look into," Tsukune said nervously.

"Hey, here are some of the sports clubs," Moka pointed out, seeing several students carrying baseball bats with nails in them and hockey sticks that looked suspiciously like scythes.

Tsukune grimaced and turned away, uninterested; he wasn't the most athletic person on the best of days, and he just knew that a sports club was going to be populated with monsters whose natural traits made them superior players. Being a human on such a team would be emasculating enough. Being a rather lousy human would probably get him kicked out or beaten up.

As he looked over the other side of the hall, a rather large, poorly-written sign grabbed his attention. It was posted in front of a set of large double-doors and bore the simple words "Fight club."

"Huh? Fight club? What kind of a club is that?"

Ranma promptly whirled about to see what Tsukune was talking about. "What do you mean? It's pretty self-explanatory, don't you think?"

Moka rolled her eyes. "No, he's right. These clubs are supposed to teach students about ordinary human activities - although it seems a lot of the administrators are missing that particular point - so shouldn't this be the Judo club or the martial arts club or something?"

Wham! Ranma barely had time to pull Tsukune out of the way as a rather hairy student flew painfully through the doors and slammed hard into the ground, rolling into an uncontrolled tumble that sent him hurtling into the basketball club and knocking them over like bowling pins.

Ranma helped a rather stunned Tsukune back onto his feet and then shrugged. "Well, maybe they're trying to be more inclusive. Let's go check it out."


"Sad, sad, sad!" complained a woman standing in the middle of a mostly empty classroom and dusting off her hands. "Come on now, I saw that move a mile away! Try it again!" She had short, dark red hair and a thin but muscular physique, and she wore a shortened black T-shirt along with loose-fitting cargo pants.

When Ranma stepped in followed by a reluctant Moka and Tsukune, she blinked and jabbed a thumb toward the wall behind her. "Oh, new people, eh? Find a spot to watch, I'm in the middle of a try-out."

Tsukune flinched. "What? Seriously? You knocked that guy out cold!"

The redhead raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Him and half the basketball club," Ranma said, glancing out the damaged doors.

"Well, then I guess the try-out's over," the woman grumbled as she crossed her arms over her chest in disappointment. "Let that be a lesson to the rest of you!" she suddenly shouted at the other students that were standing along the walls and quietly expressing varying levels of sympathy, "a clumsy, mistimed attack isn't just a waste of energy; it's an invitation for someone who actually knows what she's doing to cave your jaw in! Pay more attention!"

Moka watched bemusedly as Ranma's interest rose in perfectly inverse proportion to Tsukune's nervousness.

"Hey, for those of us just arriving, what's this all about?" Ranma asked bluntly, drawing the redhead's attention.

The woman looked Ranma up and down appraisingly as she replied. "This is the fight club!" she shouted. "It's purpose is simple: to gather together the finest warriors on campus and provide them with an arena to test their strength and skill to their hearts' content! To be a monster in the human world is to know hardship! Survival is a constant battle! And only those who overcome hardship have the right to call themselves warriors!"

Ranma had to admit he was quite impressed with the redhead's passionate outburst, although he couldn't quite see the connection she was trying to express.

Apparently, neither could Moka. "But Youkai Academy teaches us to coexist peacefully in the human world," the vampiress pointed out. "Aren't you just indulging the violent impulses that we're being taught to ignore?"

There was a long, deep silence in the room as the redhead gaped uselessly, trying to come up with a comeback for that.

Suddenly, Ranma coughed into his fist before giving Moka a sharp glance. "What are you talking about? Humans fight all the time! Japan has a rich warrior history, you know!"

The club leader nodded rapidly, quite relieved at the save. "That's right! Living among humans doesn't mean you have to be a pacifist! You just have to learn to fight the way humans do!"

"Don't most of them use firearms nowadays, though?" Moka asked doubtfully.

The redhead turned toward Ranma as a vein bulged on the side of her head. "Is she always this annoying?"

"Eh, she has her moments," the pigtailed boy responded, shrugging. "But anyway, tell us more about this club."

"Of course!" the young woman said, coughing into her fist before gesturing to herself. "First off, allow me to introduce myself! I am the assistant gym instructor at Youkai for the first-years, Riza Wildman!"

After glancing about, Riza spread her arms to gesture to the room in general. "I know that clubs here on campus are supposed to be modeled after the clubs in human schools, so the fight club is based upon groups of humans that occasionally band together based on a common fighting style and general combat prowess."

Ranma nodded. That description was pretty well in line with martial arts clubs.

"These human warrior clubs would then assert their dominance over the rest of the school," Riza continued, "with the ultimate goal of gaining glory and reputation. Eventually many of these clubs even had their own territories, and as the primary power of the region, exacted tolls from other students that wished to use their land."

By this point Ranma was scratching his head, perplexed, and Tsukune groaned.

Moka gently poked the younger human in the side before whispering to him. "Hey, isn't she describing..."

"Schoolyard bullies, yes," Tsukune sighed. Being unremarkable and timid, he'd had plenty of experience with the sort.

"That's the sort of club the fight club is," Riza said proudly, hands planted on her hips, "we train and battle to compete with the other greatest powers on campus, such as the Enforcers or even the monstrels! Our path is dangerous, but a warrior knows nothing else! What do you say?"

"Doesn't that just make you a formalized gang of street thugs?" Moka asked, frowning.

Riza turned to Ranma. "Okay, seriously, can you get her out of here?"

Ranma gave the redhead an apologetic look before stepping over next to his two companions. "I think I'm gonna look into this club a bit further. If you guys aren't interested, you can head out without me."

Moka looked quite ready to do just that, but Tsukune looked fairly devastated as the vampiress started pulling him out of the room. "A-Are you sure? I mean, we haven't even looked over all the clubs yet..."

"Don't worry about it. I'll catch up with you later," the pigtailed boy assured him, smiling as he turned toward Riza. "So, who's next for try-outs?"


Riza waited until the annoying girl and the rather timid-looking guy had left the room, and then she coughed into her hand. "All right people! Since we've had six knockouts so far, let's try a different approach; my knuckles are starting to hurt and beating you all to a pulp one by one is taking too long!"

With that declaration, she pointed to two random students in the far corner of the room. "You two! You're first! You'll fight each other until one of you achieves knockout or until I say stop! I'll decide then and there if you're Fight Club material!"

One of the chosen students, a short boy with a bald, shining head, cracked his knuckled as he grinned. "Are we allowed to reveal our true form?"

Riza snorted. "First rule of fight club!" she declared as all the students stared at her expectantly, "You will NOT reveal your true form!"

The redhead noted that all the students around her mostly looked perplexed. "Second rule of fight club! You may not kill your opponents! I know it's not necessarily the warrior's way, but this is all for the purposes of your education, and that means you have to feign being 'civilized'! And being civilized means that you have to stop attacking before you crush any important organs!"

After a few seconds, Riza raised an eyebrow. "Why does everybody give me weird looks when I explain the rules of fight club?"

"I think most of us were expecting something else," Ranma mumbled, shrugging.

"Whatever. You two! Get to it!"


The first match was shorter than Ranma had expected, and fairly one-sided. The short boy charged his much larger opponent, seemingly unfazed that there was almost two feet difference in sheer height between them.

He struck quickly and sloppily, striking the larger student a good three times before he caught a glancing blow to his cheek and had to back away for fear of being overpowered.

His opponent seemed completely unfazed by the attack at first, idly brushing the spots where he had been hit with his hand.

Just as he was about to launch his own attack, however, the taller student hesitated and glanced down at his hands, which had small streaks of blood on it.


Ranma raised an eyebrow as he watched the larger student start to sway unsteadily on his feet, looking dizzy. 'Those weren't pressure points. And those punches didn't look strong enough to topple a sixth-grader... then... poison?'

His guess was vindicated when the bald kid's opponent fainted, crumpling to the floor in a pale, twitching heap.

"Heh heh heh... don't worry, you won't die. I only tapped you," the little man hissed smugly, idly rubbing his bruised cheek.

"What the hell was that?" Riza demanded, looking disgusted. "Are you serious? That's your technique?"

"Hey, I won, didn't I?" the student retorted. "And I didn't change. A win is a win."

"Don't be stupid!" the redhead roared, almost knocking the surprised student over from the sheer volume. "You can't win all your fights with cheap tricks! What are you going to do when it doesn't work? You have no strength and your stance leaves too many openings!"

The bald boy bristled irritably. "Oh yeah? I'd bet on my 'cheap tricks' against any muscleheaded punk here!"

Riza promptly turned her head to scan the room, her eyes narrowed. "Well? Any muscleheaded punks want to take that bet?"

Ranma raised his hand.

"Aw man, I was really hoping we could all join the same club," Tsukune complained as he and Moka walked down the crowded halls.

Moka rolled her eyes. "Well, Ranma doesn't have very much in common with us. It's only natural that he'd jump onto the first opportunity to beat someone up."

Tsukune sighed at the description. Moka and Ranma seemed to be getting along a little better recently, but they still had plenty of barbs for each other. Moka still saw the martial artist as little more than a well-meaning thug, while Ranma still had to restrain himself from clobbering the vampiress whenever she fed on Tsukune.

"Well, if it's just you and me, what sort of group should we join?" Tsukune finally asked. Glancing around he couldn't see anything that interested him, and quite a few groups that warranted keeping a safe distance.

Moka put a finger to her lip as she thought about it. "Well, maybe we could-"

"TSUKUNE!" Before either of them could recover from the sudden shout, Tsukune found himself being grabbed from behind and then engulfed in a crushing hug that had his face buried in a pair of warm, fleshy cushions.

Moka's eye twitched as she watched Kurumu mash Tsukune's head into her cleavage. "Kurumu, if you keep that up you're going to hurt him..."

The succubus shot Moka a disdainful stare, but let go of the gasping human anyway. "Tsukune, I'm glad I found you! What club are we going to join?"

Tsukune wobbled a bit on his feet before answering. "W-Well, we haven't really decided... although Ranma seems pretty set on the fight club."

"Ah, that makes sense," Kurumu mumbled, nodding. "You know, I'll bet he's actually a warrior breed monster, like a minotaur or something. If he's really not a vampire."

"He's NOT," Moka snapped defensively. "Anyway, you haven't found a club you like yet?"

"I'm joining whatever club Tsukune joins!" the succubus said, taking hold of the boy's arm. "So, where should we go?"

"Well, Miss Nekonome did bring up the newspaper club in class," Moka mused. She was hardly enthralled by the idea, but perusing the clubs had completely sapped her enthusiasm for extracurriculurs. "Does that sound okay?"

"I guess I could-" Tsukune's response was interrupted by the sound of someone clearing his throat behind him, and he quickly turned around even as a cold tingle ran down his spine.

Standing behind the group was a man that none of them had seen before, although Tsukune figured out his identity from a few of the descriptions Ranma had given of the man.

"Professor Jadeite?" the lone human asked somewhat nervously, noting that the blonde man was staring down at them rather disdainfully with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Ah, you've heard of me," the Dark General said, uncrossing his arms. "And what would your names be?"

Tsukune shared a nervous glance with the girls. "Well, uh-"

"It's not important," Jadeite said suddenly, rubbing his chin in thought. "In any case, I've decided to allow you to join my club."

"Your... club? What club is that?" Moka asked, a faint sliver of desperate hope in her voice. She had to fight to remain optimistic about the club's activities, as she had the distinct feeling that their joining was not strictly voluntary.

"I host the Youkai exploration club," Jadeite explained, briefly sweeping his cape behind him.

"Exploration club? That sounds like it could be interesting," Kurumu admitted, still latched onto Tsukune.

"Indeed. This mansion and its legions of uneducated, insipid pawns aren't the only things that are hidden from the prying eyes of the human world. Numerous dangerous artifacts, arcane secrets, and volatile creatures can be found amongst the wastelands surrounding the youkai campus. It is the duty of the exploration club to locate, survey, confirm, and... use them," the Dark General said with a slight smirk on his lips.

Tsukune already had a bad feeling about this venture, and he felt his heart sink deeper into his stomach even after he thought of something else to ask. "Wh-What kinds of things do you think are out there? I mean... how dangerous can this be?"

"I imagine expeditions to range from merely painful to suicidal," Jadeite answered casually, shrugging as if it was hardly any matter. "You realize, of course, that out of the monster races, barely seventy-five percent can even be considered possibly intelligent enough to imitate human behavior. Let me ask you this: what do you do with the ones too violent and stupid to pass for humans, hmm?"

"K-Keep them someplace far, far away from here?" Tsukune asked almost pleadingly.

"Well, if you're me, then you toss them into Tokyo and tell them to give it a try anyway. If nothing else, it's a good way to reduce headcount right before centennial performance reviews," Jadeite mumbled. "But for the most part, they're all hidden or sealed in out-of-the-way places that lack the security to keep out mildly interested explorers from bumbling inside and awakening them from a peaceful slumber. And that is where our club comes in!"

"It sounds very... exciting," Moka said with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm. "But we actually already joined a club already, so we wouldn't really have the time," she lied.

Jadeite raised an eyebrow. "Oh. That's... a shame." Turning away slightly, he started twirling his finger in the air in front of his eyes. "And what club would that be?"

Fwoof! A perplexingly dark flame appeared in the gentle spiral the Dark General made with his finger, and Tsukune grimaced as the eldritch flame seemed to suck in all nearby light as it slowly grew bigger.

"Ah, what Moka MEANT to say was that we had a club in mind, but forget that!" Kurumu said nervously. "Let's try this exploration club! It sounds like it could be... uh... different!"

The flame promptly vanished, much to the relief of the distressed teens. "Good," Jadeite said simply, reaching into his breast pocket and withdrawing a trio of small cards. "The exploration club meets on Mondays after classes at four P.M. precisely. There will be an introductory session today at the same time. If you are not on time, you will be DISINTEGRATED. And I assure you, the process is neither as quick nor as painless as it sounds."

The Dark General turned sharply on his heel, leaving the three disenheartened teens to stare listlessly at the small paper cards that sealed their fates as members of Jadeite's questionable conscription efforts.

"See?" Tsukune finally said glumly, turning toward Moka, "See what happens when we leave Ranma behind?"

Whud! A large, gangly-looking student slammed hard into the wall, a high-pitched shriek escaping from his lips as his well-disguised carapace strained against the force of the impact.

Ranma remained in the middle of the room with his palm still extended in the striking position, his breath coming out in short, measured gasps. He had a few gashes around his arms and a burn across his chest, but seemed largely unhurt, if not a little stiff.

Although he'd be the first to proclaim himself a much better fighter than any of the dozen or so monsters he'd faced, nearly all of them had some sneaky trick or two that related to their monster forms, and some of them were pretty damn brutal. One in particular had given him a rather severe electric shock, and it took all his concentration to keep his muscles from locking up.

"Not a bad attack, but you faltered too quickly!" Riza declared, pointing at the recently walloped student. "You've seen plenty of fights by now, you know your opponent's speed and reactions! If you don't have anything to offer other than an all-out assault, put your heart and soul into it!"

The student looked rather uncertain as he shook off his dizziness. "Can I put my chitinous claws into it, too?"

"Yeah, okay, whatever," the redhead said, gesturing toward Ranma. "Now get in there!"

Ranma blinked as his opponent charged. "Wait a minute, I thought that was against the ru-YIPE!" he barely managed to throw himself backward as a scythe-like claw suddenly slashed out at his neck. "Hey! That's against the rules too! No lethal attacks!"

"Actually, the rule was 'no killing'," Riza corrected, her arms crossed under her breasts, "and since you're still alive, he didn't break that rule, did he?"

"What about the first rule?" the pigtailed boy complained as he backed away from two more wild slashes.

"Can you tell what kind of monster he is?" the redhead snapped. "No? Then he didn't reveal his identity. Now stop whining and get back to fighting!"

'People I barely know are trying to rip my throat out while some angry chick yells at me from the sidelines. If it weren't for the lack of Amazons, it'd be just like home,' Ranma mused as he bounced over a blade sweep that could have sliced his ankles off. 'Still feeling a bit stiff from that electric shock... geez, how much electricity was that, anyway? I landed on a power line once, but it didn't seem THAT bad...'

He idly noted that he had dodged backward all the way to the edge of the room, and Ranma dodged into a roll to one side as his foe's next attack sliced a nice long cut into the wall.

The sycthe-handed student had just pulled his arm free when Ranma turned around and grabbed his wrist, promptly sticking the curved blade back into the wall.

"Why, you!" the insectoid snarled as he tried to stab his free scythe under the arm that was stuck. Unfortunately the awkward position combined with the unwieldy size of the limb sapped all the strength and precision from the desperate attack, and Ranma easily grabbed his foe's other wrist before cramming the other scythe into the wall as well.

"Hey! Stop that!" the hapless student complained as he tried to tug his limbs free.

In response, Ranma grabbed the back of his head. "Don't feel too bad; you almost touched me a couple times back there."

Wham! Then Ranma smashed the boy's face into the wall as well.


"Not bad, not bad!" Riza said, arms still crossed. "All of you, take note: martial skill and expertise can make up for almost any monstrous advantage! Whether it's bladed fingers or poison spikes, if your opponent can predict and dodge your attacks, none of it matters, does it?"

A weak groan came from one of the students on the floor. "Not... ugh... fair. He's a bloody psychic!"

A vein popped up on Ranma's head. "I'm not a mind slayer or whatever, I'm a human!" he would've given the thoughtless monstrosity a bump on the head if he hadn't already beaten it nearly to unconsciousness; any more at this point just felt like bullying.

Riza gave the pigtailed boy a raised eyebrow for a moment, and then shrugged off the proclamation as she continued to address the room at large. "Well, whatever. Being a warrior doesn't mean that you'll win every battle you're presented with; at times victory will be out of your reach, and the only thing you'll have to look forward to is either an honorable death or a long, painful recovery followed by a grueling training regimen to try and patch together your shattered pride." Then she beamed. "Fortunately for all of you, as fresh fight club recruits, you get the latter! After a week or so in the nurse's office for your bones to knit, we're going to start cracking down on turning you punching bags into real fighters, so look forward to it!"

The chorus of pained moans and the occasional gasping cough coming from the floor didn't sound particularly happy, although most of the students were in fact quite pleased that they wouldn't have to drag their broken bodies to any other club try-outs.

"And of course I'm in too, right?" Ranma asked, pointing to himself as he finally let his body relax.

In response, Riza poked him in the forehead. "Don't get too cocky there, Human. Yeah, you're in, but you'd better stay sharp or someone... might...... what?" she had to trail off as the pigtailed boy stared at her with what definitely approached complete, rapturous joy. Was he THAT desperate to get into her club?

"You... You called me 'Human'," Ranma said, almost choking on a sob of relief. As a nickname it wasn't anything nice, certainly, but he was just glad someone finally believed him!

Riza's brow furrowed. "What? That? I just thought it would work for you since you apparently take the 'pretend to be human' thing all the way to the hilt," she explained.

Ranma's happy demeanor tanked instantly. "Then... you don't believe I'm a human either?"

"No," the redhead said simply, sniffing the air. "You smell kind of like one, but there's this other scent too... it's like... dead insects and cobwebs? Are you some kind of spider creature?"

Ranma's eyebrow twitched. "Our dorms have an infestation, okay?" Really, the spider population was completely out of control, and Tsukune absolutely REFUSED to sleep if there were any arachnids bigger than an apple in the room. What was he supposed to do, call up an exterminator?

"Whatever. It's none of my business," Riza decided. "Anyway, since most of the club is decimated, we'll hold the first session next week on Monday after classes. See you all then!"

Another round of pained groaning came from the floor.

Tsukune emitted a leaden sigh as he trudged to the lunch room, looking totally depressed despite the two beautiful girls that followed him in.

"Ranma warned me to stay away from Professor Jadeite and Richard; what are we going to do?" he asked.

Kurumu shrugged helplessly as she brushed up closer to her beloved. "Well, there isn't much we CAN do at this point, right? I say we should just give it a shot!"

Moka nodded hesitantly. "I suppose you're right. If we're careful and look out for each other, I'm sure the exploration club won't be that bad! It might even be fun!"

"Exploration club?" a gruff voice from ahead of the trio caught their attention, and Tsukune blinked as he beheld a rather tall student with preposterously large arms and hair that stood straight up on his head.

Standing next to him, and doing a fair job of staying unnoticed, was a young girl dressed up, of all things, as a witch. She had short black hair and thigh-high stockings on, and when combined with the pointy hat and matching cape looked every bit the part of a grade schooler dressed up for Halloween.

"Yes, the exploration club," Moka repeated hesitantly. "We just joined."

"Well, it's more like we were just drafted," Kurumu mumbled.

The male student stared at the three newcomers for a moment, and then a smile slowly split his face. "Well, I'll be. Looks like that loon Jadeite actually did something right for once. Glad I won't have to spend the semester trudging about with just him and some useless witch." He leered quite openly at the two teenage girls in front of him, and Moka and Kurumu's hopes for the semester took yet another painful dip into the doldrums.

Tsukune, for his part, was always eager to make friends, especially now that he knew that the people in front of him might be responsible for helping him escape an angry demon or something. "Oh, so there are other people in the club too! That's a relief! It'll be better with more people, you know?" The boy turned to look at him expressionlessly, which Tsukune chose to interpret as a good sign. "I'm Aono Tsukune! What's your name?"

The boy then grabbed Tsukune by his shirt lapels and hauled him up into the air, which he had greater difficulty interpreting in positive manner.

"Seriously? You're Aono? Oi," the brute snorted.

"Hey! What are you doing with him? Put him down!" Kurumu complained angrily, her nails starting to lengthen.

"I've heard a thing or two about you, Aono," the taller boy said grimly, ignoring Kurumu. "But still, actually seeing two smokin' babes attached to filth like you is somethin' else." Then he grinned in a manner that was decidedly unpleasant as Tsukune cringed. "You should drop outta the club while you can, bozo. Out there, in the middle of nowhere, people can just disappear, ya'know? It'd be a shame if something like that happened to ya. Catch my drift?"

"What are you saying? Leave Tsukune alone!" Moka complained.

"Wh-While you may have a point about quitting," Tsukune admitted while trying not to look TOO helpless, "Professor Jadeite DID say that he'd kill anyone who didn't show up, and I'm a lot more scared of him than I am of... well... you."

The hapless human grimaced as the student holding him grew visibly angrier. "Wait! You shouldn't start a fight in the lunch room! You could get hurt!"

"Why? You gonna tell the teacher on me?" the boy mocked as he reared a fist back.

"No, it's because my roommate always gets to the cafeteria before I do," Tsukune admitted.

The brutish student didn't have much time to ponder what that meant before he realized that his arm wasn't moving, as if it were locked in place by something. A quick glance behind him revealed that it was, in fact, locked in place by a pigtailed boy who was glaring at him for some reason.

"Kurumu, could you get Tsukune free so I can start hurting this guy?" Ranma asked blithely.

The succubus was only too happy to comply, and the confused brute yelped and released the young human as she slashed at his wrist.

"Thanks," the pigtailed boy mumbled as he started dragging the larger student through the double doors that Tsukune had entered from.

"H-Hey! Wait! Who are yoAAARUGHLGK!"


Moka and Kurumu started fussing over Tsukune immediately, though he did his best to reassure them quickly that he was unhurt. His attention was mostly on the young girl that had been standing behind his assailant; the entire time she hadn't spoken a word, but rather had observed them carefully.

Oddly enough, even with what had happened, the girl's attention wasn't Ranma or the maiming that was going on outside the cafeteria, but rather it was focused on Moka.

"Hi there!" Tsukune greeted, sounding bizarrely upbeat for someone who had nearly been smashed into the wallpaper. "Are you in the exploration club too? That other guy mentioned a witch, and, well, you look the part."

Tsukune wilted slightly as the little girl gave him an annoyed frown, but before she could respond, Kurumu piped up.

"Oh, I've heard of you! You're Yukari Sendo!" the succubus said, snapping her fingers. "You've been rated one of the top students in our grade level despite being only eleven years old!"

Yukari promptly shifted the irritated look to Kurumu. "Actually, I'm THE top student in our grade level," she corrected sharply.

Tsukune thought it was pretty arrogant to declare oneself the best student in a class before there had even been a proper round of tests and class rankings, but he wasn't about to argue the point. "Wow, that's amazing! I'm-"

"Tsukune Aono, I know," Yukari interrupted before negligently pointing to Kurumu. "And you're Kurumu Kurono, that dumb succubus who was making a scene right at the start of the semester."

Kurumu's attitude soured instantly, not that Tsukune could blame her. "Who are you calling dumb, you little brat?"

"Wait, Kurumu, calm down," Moka said nervously. While she thought that Yukari was being needlessly rude, she didn't want anybody to start picking on the poor little girl. She'd heard all sorts of stories about how bad witches had it among monsters, and she was sure this one didn't need any more enemies.

Ranma finally came up from behind the group, raising an eyebrow as he dusted off his hands. "Now what's all the fuss? Don't tell me a little girl is picking on you too."

Yukari turned to regard the new arrival, favoring Ranma with a decidedly bored expression. "And here's Aono's pet gorilla, Ranma Saotome. Yet another clueless tag-along."

The pigtailed boy stared down at the girl for a few seconds before turning to Tsukune. "Mouthy little runt, huh? Who is she?"

A vein popped up on Yukari's head. "You should know who I am better than the bimbo! At least we have a class together!"

"I can only memorize so many names so fast," Ranma explained, shrugging, "and so far I have to concentrate on keeping track of everyone who's tried to bite my face off."

"It's nice to see that you're at least making use of the little brain power you have," Yukari said dismissively, finally turning back to Moka. "And then, finally, we have Moka Akashiya."

The vampiress grimaced and braced herself, wondering what fiery criticism she'd have to endure.

"The single most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent person to ever light the halls of this grim, miserable hellhole!" the witch said reverently, eyes shining as she stepped up to Moka and took the taller girl by the hands.

Ranma, Tsukune, and Kurumu all shifted to the side as their eyebrows slowly climbed up their foreheads.

"That's, uh... th-thank you?" Moka said uncertainly, feeling rather awkward as the pre-teen stared up at her lovingly. "I'm a little surprised though... I mean, we've never even met..."

"I've seen you, though! How could I not?" Yukari squealed girlishly. "Every time you merely walk down the hall, it's like a ray of sunshine slicing through the darkness! I fell in love with you the moment I saw you!"

Ranma scratched the back of his head as Tsukune looked perplexed and Kurumu tried to stifle her giggling. "Say, is there anything stopping us from getting lunch right now?"

"Uh, not as such, no," Tsukune admitted, eyes still locked on the love confession playing out before him.

"Then let's get something to eat. I think Moka can handle this one on her own," the pigtailed boy mumbled, turning toward the lunch line.

Tsukune was hesitant to follow, but soon found himself dragged in that direction anyway by a suspiciously happy Kurumu. "Come on Tsukune, let's leave the two love birds alone!"


"Yes, it's v-very nice to meet you too, Yukari," Moka said politely as the eleven year-old clamped onto her waist. "I hope we have fun together in the exploration club."

"Me too! I know that Professor Jadeite press-ganged you into it, but as long as you're with me, I won't let you come to harm!" the young witch promised, stars in her eyes. "I... I know it's a lot to ask of someone like you, but... is it possible... you could be my friend?" Yukari almost begged, her eyes growing wide and wet.

Moka stood no chance against the adorable assault, and all the reluctance and awkwardness she had felt earlier (mostly on account of Yukari treating her friends like dirt) evaporated. "Of course I'll be your friend!"

"Really? Is it okay?" Yukari asked wistfully.

"Sure! I'm sure we'll have a great time exploring the wasteland together!" Moka said, her voice bright with unwarranted optimism.

The sound of lunch trays being placed on the table behind them alerted the two girls that their other companions had returned.

"Awwww, just look at them, they're perfect for each other!" Kurumu gushed disingenuously as she snapped her chopsticks apart. "So when's the wedding?"

Before Moka could say anything, Yukari promptly turned on the succubus with a vengeance. "Don't you dare mock her, you top-heavy cow! Leave Moka alone!" After glaring cutely for a few seconds, a blush crept over her features. "Besides, we haven't even started dating yet..."

Kurumu had to admit that the flustered look on Moka's face was well worth the price of being called a cow, and she once again had to stifle laughter.

"Seriously though," Ranma mumbled between mouthfuls of curry, apparently continuing a conversation that Moka hadn't heard, "I warned you about Jadeite and Richard. Those guys have no respect at all for their students and won't hesitate to kill you if you tick them off. If you are gonna go along with this, be careful."

"I just don't see how anybody that blatantly dangerous ends up being a teacher," Tsukune complained as he poked at his own food, "don't they have to be approved by a board or something?"

"Why would they need that?" Yukari piped up. "Only the human world has pointless bureaucracy like that. At Youkai Academy, all you need in order to teach is the headmaster's permission."

"Man, the headmaster must be some kind of jerk, then," Ranma mumbled.

Meanwhile, in the headmaster's office...

"Sir, we've had more than a dozen complaints from various students and teachers that Professor Richard is kidnapping students for his... 'orphan club' and locking them up in the basement of the school, supposedly as an 'authenticity exercise'," said a man in a formal suit and sunglasses standing near the door.

Within the office sat a man wearing a white cloak and a metal cross hanging around his neck. His face was mostly hidden by the shadows of his hood, but an ever-present grin was visible as were two shining lights that seemed to mark the figure's eyes. "Hmph. This could be... problematic. You're to find Professor Richard immediately."

The man at the door straightened. "And then, Headmaster?"

The headmaster's grin widened as he steepled his fingers. "And then you're to confirm that he'll still have time for golf this afternoon despite his club's activities."

"Sigh. Yes, sir. Right away."

Back in the lunch room, Yukari had evidently tired of the conversation with Moka's tag-alongs, and so she took hold of the vampiress's arm and started dragging her away. "Come on Moka, let's have lunch somewhere else! If you hang around these idiots, their stupidity could INFECT you or something."

"H-Hey!" Tsukune shouted defensively. "You hardly even know us! What's with the attitude?" Eager to force some kind of explanation out of the newcomer, Tsukune turned toward Ranma and Kurumu. "Am I right, guys?"

"See ya later, Moka," Ranma said between mouthfulls of curry.

"Enjoy your lunch!" Kurumu chirped, taking the opportunity to briefly snuggle Tsukune's arm.

Moka sweatdropped as Tsukune's face fell, and she managed to stop short of Yukari pulling her out of the lunch room. "Now, Yukari, be reasonable," she said placatingly, "Tsukune is a really nice person! You should give him a fair chance before saying something like that. And even Kurumu and Ranma aren't that bad once you get to know them."

The aforementioned pair briefly stuck their tongues out at the vampiress before they went back to their meals, not particularly caring where Moka spent her lunch hour.

Yukari, for her part, would have none of it. "Ha! You can't be serious! This menagerie of parasitic dimwits is a bleak shadow across your glorious presence!"

"Man, the runt's not shy, is she?" Ranma mumbled to his lunch companions.

"I'll bet this is how cults get started," Kurumu whispered back.

Tsukune merely ate his lunch in depressed silence, trying his best to numb himself against the constant insults.

"I mean, look at this sorry lot!" Yukari continued, pointing to Tsukune. "A relentlessly boring dullard with no outstanding features aside from his staggering naievete," her hand moved over to an increasingly irritated Kurumu, "a self-centered, oversexed airhead so desperate for companionship that she's latched onto the dullard like a barnacle at the first hint of acceptance," finally her attention rested on Ranma, "and let's not forget the arrogant brute who can hardly resist throwing his weight around and is SO into his own superiority that he STILL persists in claiming that he's an actual human, as if his following school rules so desperately impresses anyone other than his own swollen ego."

Snap! Ranma's chopsticks promptly broke in his hand, and Tsukune and Kurumu winced as they mentally prepared themselves for the furious backlash sure to come. Moka, for her part, edged closer to the young witch just in case she'd have to get between the two.

Ranma was still and silent for a moment before he looked down at the shattered wood in his hand and then calmly set them down. "All right shrimp, listen up: I'll admit that it's kind of funny the way you're all over Moka because you don't have any other friends, but you're wasting your time. Moka always eats lunch with Tsukune."

Yukari's eyes narrowed. She had heard rumors that Moka and Tsukune were a couple, but after spending just a few minutes in the boy's presence she had declared such a travesty ridiculous. "Really? And why's that?" she demanded.

"Because Tsukune isn't just Moka's lunch buddy," Ranma said evenly, "he's Moka's actual LUNCH."

There was a long silence amongst the group as Yukari simply stared at the pigtailed boy, uncomprehending. "Wait, what?"

Glancing up at Moka herself, Yukari noted that the vampiress was blushing while trying not to make eye contact with anyone. A glance over at Tsukune revealed that he was equally flushed and idly scratching his neck self-consciously.

Being a genius, it didn't take long for her to put two and two together, and her face turned pink in jealous fury. "Is th-that all? That's nothing!" she declared to the trio before turning toward Moka. "Moka, you can drink MY blood from now on, okay? You don't need him anymore!"

To the witch's surprise and dismay, Moka briefly made a squeamish expression before she backed away nervously. "Ah, no, I couldn't, really," the vampiress said awkwardly. She didn't really know how a witch's blood would taste, but she had absolutely no desire to drink from anyone but Tsukune. "I'm sorry, but I..." she trailed off as she noticed the tears rapidly gathering in the younger girl's eyes, but couldn't think of anything else to say.

Yukari turned angrily to Tsukune and shook her fist at him in a childish rage. "This isn't over! I won't lose to you!" she declared before dashing out of the lunch room in a huff.


Moka naturally looked worried as the young witch ran off, her emotions torn. "Sh-Should I go after her?"

"NO," declared Tsukune, Kurumu, and Ranma simultaneously.

The vampiress wilted. "You guys could have been a little easier on her, you know."

"Hey, I tried to be nice," Tsukune insisted. "She decided on her own that she hated me!"

"Leave the brat alone. We'll have to deal with her all evening anyway," Kurumu said sadly as she finished off her lunch.

"I never said nothin' that wasn't true," Ranma said solemnly as he picked his plate clean with his broken chopsticks. "I mean, the only reason you're still here rather than trying to cheer up the shrimp is because you still haven't eaten, right?"

Moka's face reddened again and she turned pointedly away from Ranma's gaze and nervously glanced over at Tsukune.

Tsukune sighed and stood up. "Okay, okay, let's just go somewhere without so many people, all right?" he could feel the heat of Kurumu's envious glare, but there wasn't much he could do about offering his blood up for Moka. Especially after it drove away Yukari so quickly.


The aforementioned succubus watched heatedly as Tsukune and Moka scurried off like a pair of shameless lovers looking for a good spot to start necking (which actually was the case, in a twisted sort of way), but didn't bother to follow them. "Why does Tsukune let her get away with that, anyway?"

Ranma shrugged as he leaned back and sipped a soda. "I've seen guys go through much worse to impress women." Granted, Ryoga and Mousse had never had Akane and Shampoo ask to EAT them, but despite all logic he wasn't completely convinced they'd refuse.

Kurumu sighed and shifted a quick glance at Ranma. The pigtailed boy had at first struck her as wrathful and intimidating, but she'd found that he was surprisingly easy to talk to outside of a fight.

... Well, technically, he had first struck her with a ball of pure pyschokinetic force hurtling through the air like a train that had jumped its tracks, but that was neither here nor there.

The point was, putting aside the fact that he had come very close to turning her into a blackened crater in the main yard, she now found his presence comforting rather than terrifying. "Tsukune told me a bit about the club you got into, but didn't go into details. What was it like?"

"It was like an underworld pit fight but without the prizes," Ranma grunted, leaning forward onto the table. "I mean, it was fun, sure, but it was pretty annoying too. Way too many opponents and every single one of them had some stupid cheap trick that they figured could compensate for actual skill." He took a sip of cola before rethinking his statement and adding. "Not that I have anything against cheap tricks, but if that's all you have it doesn't keep a fight interesting for very long."

"When is your club meeting again?"

Ranma hesitated for a moment as he tried to remember Riza's instructions. "Ah, I dunno. Not for a while. I might have been a little too hard on the other members."

"Then is there a chance you could go with us to this exploration club meeting?" Kurumu asked hopefully. "It's okay if you can't join, but Tsukune's really nervous about this club and I know he'd feel better if you were there too." Then her expression soured. "Especially with Sendo being there. She looks harmless enough, but witches are tricky, and it looks like Moka's completely set on defending the little creep. If we let our guard down she could do something stupid and get someone hurt."

Ranma frowned at the thought. "I dunno about that. Seems to me like she's got more bark than bite. Besides, I actually have plans for this evening with Kana."

Kurumu was about to protest when she processed what Ranma had said. "Wait... with Kana? The siren girl?" A grin crept over her face. "Oh, I see! She kept you up all night and now you're going to return the favor, hmm?"

Ranma favored the girl's lewd smirk with rolling eyes. "It's not what you think."

"Oh? Then what is it?" Kurumu pressed eagerly.

"I... can't say. It's... personal," Ranma hedged nervously, which only served to confirm the succubus' assumption. "Anyway, if you're really going to follow that moron Jadeite around, take this."

Ranma glanced around to see if anyone was paying particular attention, and then carefully removed something from his pocket before quickly dropping it into Kurumu's palm and wrapping her hands around it.

Kurumu stared at the object in her hand, uncomprehending. "I don't get it. What is this supposed to be?"

"I'm not completely sure, but I have a hunch," Ranma mumbled. "If it looks like blondie is about to go off the deep end, try throwing it as a distraction or something."

"And what will that do?" Kurumu asked. "Jadeite doesn't seem like the type to fall for such a stupid decoy. Especially not a ragged one like this."

"He's a lot less stable than he looks," Ranma confided. "And I know it's in bad shape, but I actually had to fix it up myself; when I found it on his desk, it was really beaten up and torn."

Kurumu nodded uncertainly, and then blinked. "Wait... what were you doing around the teacher's desks?"

"Looking for things to steal that can be used against them. Obviously," Ranma said.

Kurumu gave him a long, hard stare.

"Look, my teachers are jerks, all right?" Ranma snapped. Granted, his math teacher seemed somewhat normal and his government teacher, if not normal, wasn't especially evil at least, but he couldn't see any reason not to be prepared.

"Oh no, oh no, oh no..." the Dark Liege mumbled to herself as she rifled through the piles of paperwork and various makeup cases scattered around her desk. "I can't find them anywhere! Oh, this is positively AWFUL!"

One of the art teachers, a woman with thin braids that were gathered up under a bandanna tied over her head, sighed as she turned away from her own desk toward the government teacher. "What did you lose this time, Liege?"

The buxom teacher pouted as her shoulders slumped. "Ishigami, I just can't find my soul shards!"

"Soul shards?" Miss Ishigami asked as she raised an eyebrow. "You mean those jewels that you needlessly crammed your soul into so that you'd ostensibly be harder to kill?"

The Dark Liege sniffled and nodded her head.

"I warned you that those things were a liability," Ishigami murmured as she massaged her forehead. "Moreso if you're going to keep them all in the same damn drawer."

"Stop being mean and help me look!" the blonde demon shouted, returning to her fruitless search.

"All right, all right..."

Once four o'clock rolled around, Moka, Tsukune (now with a fresh pair of puncture wounds on the side of his neck), Kurumu and a sulking Yukari were all gathered in Jadeite's usual classroom, although at this time of the day it was empty as would be expected.

Thankfully for the three teenagers, Yukari was either severely chastened by the encounter earlier in the cafeteria or was too busy plotting dire revenge against Tsukune and Ranma to make an annoyance of herself; she'd been blissfully quiet ever since she had arrived, occasionally glaring at Tsukune or throwing loving glances at Moka but saying nothing.

Tsukune glanced around the room before checking his watch conspicuously. "Well, it's four o'clock exactly. How long should we wa-WHOA!" he jumped back as a pool of inky darkness silently yawned open in front of him, and was only slightly surprised (and not at all relieved) when Jadeite stepped out of it into the classroom.

Each of the students stiffened as the Dark General looked them over one by one, and they fought the urge to cringe when the man frowned deeply.

"There are only four of you. Where's the other one?" Jadeite demanded.

"Other one?" Kurumu asked, perplexed. "OH! You mean that other guy, kind of tall, with the stupid hair and big shoulders?"

"Him? He must be in the nurse's office right now," Tsukune explained apologetically. "He had... uh... an accident, I think."

Jadeite nodded at Tsukune. "The nurse's office, is it? Very well. Remain here."

With a brief swirl of his cape, Jadeite stepped back into the shadowy portal, vanishing from view before the portal itself slipped out of view.


There was a long, morbid silence as the four students all stared at the spot where Jadeite vanished to.

"Did... Did I just become an accessory to murder?" Tsukune asked, his voice sounding just a bit manic.

"Of course not," Yukari said, marking the end of her silence, "those laws only exist in the human world."

"Do you mean laws against murder, or the accessory thing?" Tsukune asked nervously.

"Yes."

Before that train of thought could proceed any further, the dark portal once again spilled into existence in front of Tsukune, causing him to leap backward yet again as Jadeite once again entered the room.

"Very good. Now that we're all here, we can discuss today's venture," the Dark General began, straightening as he clasped his hands behind his back.

Tsukune raised his hand, prompting the blond man to raise an eyebrow. "Do you have a question before we proceed?"

"Yes. You... didn't really disintegrate that other student, did you?" Tsukune asked. "It wasn't his fault he couldn't make it here... well, not completely, anyway."

"No, I did not disintegrate him," Jadeite answered bluntly, much to Tsukune's relief. "Upon reflection, it seemed that it was, after all, far too quick and painless a death for anyone who would dare defy me. I cooked him alive in a storm of black flame."

As Tsukune and Moka stared at the man in undisguised horror, Kurumu winced at the thought. "Ah. And that doesn't... you know... strike you as... excessive?"

"Somebody help!" A voice from the hall outside screamed as it ran by. "The entire medical wing of the school is on fire!"

"Oh dark, hateful God below!" A different voice shouted as it followed the first. "Cruel though you may be, what have the sick and helpless done to warrant such a slaughter?"

Jadeite cast an annoyed glance toward the hall before turning back to Kurumu. "Perhaps a little more restraint might have been wise."

Yukari groaned and rubbed her forehead.

"Nonetheless, we must proceed as planned. Follow me, minions!" the blond man said, turning on his heel and entering the inky darkness.

"So, what, we're minions now?" Kurumu asked irritably as she followed an extremely nervous Tsukune and Moka into the portal.

"Be quiet before you get us all vaporized!" Yukari hissed.

Jadeite waited outside his portal with his arms crossed, staring off into the wasteland that surrounded Youkai Academy as his conscripts emerged one by one behind him.

To the side of the portal was their goal for the evening: an old, shattered well that had been sealed with an iron gate on top and wrapped in chains. Numerous signs warned people that entering the well was a bad idea, which ironically was the only indication that the small ruin actually contained anything other than rocks and maybe some dirty water.

Once the last student was through the portal, the Dark General snapped his fingers, causing the black gateway to collapse instantly and vanish from sight.

"Here we are, my minions," Jadeite said as he turned around. "The first dwelling..." he trailed off as he saw that the boy had his hand up again. "Curious little pest, aren't you? What is it now?"

Tsukune lowered his hand slowly, quite relieved that their instructor was willing to at least answer his questions. "Are all the outings in the exploration club going to be like this?"

"I will endeavor in the future not to destroy large portions of the school unless I absolutely have to," Jadeite said, rolling his eyes.

"That's, uh, good, but I wasn't really talking about that," Tsukune elaborated. "What I meant was, are you always going to just teleport us to the entrance of whatever we're exploring?"

"Also, are we always going to explore so close to the school?" Kurumu asked, pointing to the building maybe a dozen meters behind them. A few students that were sitting outside noticed the group and waved. "We could have just walked here. I think I can even see the classroom we were just in."

Jadeite was silent for a few moments before he coughed into his fist. "In the future, you can expect there to be more... exploration... in the exploration club, yes," he muttered irritably. "For now though, I thought a small, harmless-looking ruin sitting close to a safe haven would be a good, easy trial to start off the semester's activities."

"Really?" Tsukune asked, feeling somewhat relieved that their instructor was being minimally thoughtful as to their safety.

"Of course not. I threw a dart at a map, and here we are. Now shut up and get to work," Jadeite snapped.


The first thing to go was, of course, the gate sealing the entrance. Although both Kurumu and Moka were a great deal stronger than their size suggested, pulling at the chains proved useless.

'I'll bet Professor Jadeite could get us in easily,' Tsukune thought bitterly as he picked up one of the large padlocks. 'But if he didn't bother, it means he probably means to make us do it ourselves...'

"I don't know what kind of monster you are, but I doubt your stare can break locks," Yukari said testily from behind Tsukune. "Hold it this way."

Tsukune raised an eyebrow, but did as instructed, turning so that the large, oddly-shaped keyhole was facing the young witch.

Yukari rummaged about under her cape for a moment before producing a silly-looking rod with a heart on the end, holding it up in the air. "I can open this with the witch's wand! Now just stay still and I'll..."

She trailed off as a crackling noise came from behind her, and all four students cringed as they saw Jaedite trembling with an expression of pure hatred on his face and dark lightning lashing back and forth between his fingers.

"P-Professor Jadeite?" Yukari almost whimpered as she lowered her wand. "Is... something wrong?"

The Dark General hesitated, and then he blinked as the energy around his hands abated. "What? What was..." he looked around for a moment and then frowned. "My apologies. I forgot where I was for a moment. Continue."

Yukari hesitantly brought up her wand again, anxiously glancing back at the blond teacher every few seconds.

"Before you go any further," Jadeite said suddenly, causing the young witch to freeze, "I just want it on record that I hate your stupid-looking wand," he explained in a completely normal tone of voice. "And by extension, you as well. Carry on." The four students all stared at him with expressions ranging from annoyance to disbelief.

Yukari sighed miserably as she concentrated on her telekinesis, doing her best to shape her magic according to what she remembered about the mechanical functions of a padlock. After a good twenty seconds of muted clicking sounds, there was a dull Snap! as the lock popped open.

"Oh, wow! Good job, Yukari!" Moka gushed as Tsukune and Kurumu unwrapped the chains and slowly pulled the heavy gate open.

Yukari beamed brightly under the praise, but her mood soured instantly as Jadeite stepped past her.

"Yes, congratulations, you managed to open a mundane iron lock with your magic, a feat that otherwise might have taken minutes had we to resort to more conventional means. Now if we're done patting ourselves on the back, perhaps we can actually make some progress, here."

Without belittling the students further, Jadeite levitated into the air above the well and then lowered himself straight down, ignoring all the annoyed glares at his back.

"Even when we do what he wants, he acts like a jerk," Kurumu mumbled quietly, not wanting the blond man to overhear. The well was too small for her to use her wings, so she started climbing down normally. Thankfully there were plenty of rocks sticking out of the wall and large holes here and there to act as leg and footholds, so it wasn't that difficult.

"Here Moka, I'll lower you in," Tsukune offered as he knelt on the edge of the well.

The vampiress brightened. "Oh thank you Tsu-"

"What are you, stupid?" Yukari said suddenly, glaring rather harshly at Tsukune. "There's no need for that."

With no more explanation than that, the witch tossed the end of the long length of chain down into the well, with the other end attached to the obnoxiously heavy gate.

"Ow!" came Kurumu's voice from deep within the well a moment later as the chain continued to descend, followed a moment later by mild swearing.

"Oh. Thank you, Yukari. That will make it much easier." Moka gave Tsukune an apologetic look before she grabbed the chain and started climbing down.

Yukari gave Tsukune a victorious smirk before she immediately headed down after her beloved, leaving the lone human by himself on the surface.

Tsukune, for his part, wanted to be angry about being bested but pushed aside the petty feelings. At least this way he was at much less risk of falling and breaking his neck.

'Still, this is all off to a terrible start. I wish Ranma was here. I wonder what he had to do that he couldn't come with us. Kurumu never did give us any details...'

"Meowr!"

A large scruffy tomcat mewed noisily as it padded across the rocky outcroppings that surrounded the Youkai Academy dorms.

Stopping for a moment, it sniffed the air for several seconds before meowing again.

Mew! The tomcat's ears perked up at the sound that had drawn it this far: the faint, playful mewling of another cat, a crystal-clear plea for attention and companionship that had echoed all over for miles... somehow.

With a delighted bounce in its step, the horny little feline bounded over some piled-up deadwood, dashed up one side of a small hill of jagged rocks, and then hopped its way down the other side, desperately sniffing the air and glancing about for any sign of another cat.

"Meowr!" it called again, its tone delighted as it waited for the seductive call once again.

Several seconds passed, however, and its mood wavered as no call came to it.

"Meowr!" it tried again, sniffing about in agitation and glancing every which way.

Eventually, the tomcat turned around completely, and then it froze as it noticed for the first time that there was a large, dark, eight-legged shape crouched by a crevice in the rocks it had just crawled over, its night-black eyes glistening as it remained motionless barely a foot away from the hapless feline.

"Meowr?" was the last thing the tomcat had to offer before the spider launched its ambush, tackling it to the ground in a flurry of legs and fur.


After a few seconds of pointless struggle the conflict was over, and the arachnid slowly began wrapping its morbid prize in webbing.

Ranma emerged from where he was hiding up in the bare branches of one of the wasteland trees, and didn't even try to hide his grin as he walked up to the busy spider.

"That's the way! That's how you do it!" he cheered, eventually crouching right next to the spider and actually petting the hairy creature across its abdomen as it worked. "Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl? You are! You're a good girl!"

Up in the tree from where he had emerged, Kana released a bored sigh from where she sat on a branch wearing a rather daring miniskirt and a tube top.

Of course Ranma had explained in full detail why he wanted her help when he had approached her earlier that day, but she was still surprised that she had been expected to mimic kitty sounds to lure in local felines as bait for a bizarre training exercise. The explanation had just seemed so ridiculous when he had given it that she was sure he was just making a stupid excuse to lure her to a secluded place and have his way with her.

'No such luck,' she thought to herself as she stared down at several other large spiders lounging at the base of the tree and scattered among several cat-sized web cocoons.

After about a minute Ranma finally finished showering the latest victorious hunter with praise and strolled back to the tree, walking among the numerous large, hairy, and very poisonous spiders with no apparent fear of having his ankles chewed on.

"Hey Kana! How much longer can you stay out here?" Ranma asked, stopping at the base of the tree and crouching again to pet another spider. "If you want to leave, I think we've done well enough for today."

The siren favored him with a hesitant expression. "Well, I don't really have anything else to do, so I suppose another hour wouldn't hurt..."

"Okay, great," the pigtailed boy responded as one of the larger arachnids crawled up his arm. "I just wanna say again that I really appreciate it. I didn't want to use you like this, but I have no idea where I'm supposed to get raw fish around here."

"No, it's fine," Kana replied, "though I still don't understand why you're doing this."

Ranma shrugged as the big hairy beast crawled over his shoulder and across his back, tickling his neck as it passed. "It's just pest control."

"Most people would consider the spiders the pests, rather than the cats," Kana pointed out.

"Well, most people are WRONG," Ranma said stubbornly as another spider crept up his foot. Granted, too many of them got into their dorms at night, but part of this training was to help the creatures find more food out in the wilderness.

"Do we even have a lot of cats around here?" Kana questioned, not having seen a single one around campus before today.

"Not for long, we don't," the pigtailed boy replied.

There was a moment of silence between the two before Kana sweatdropped. "Uh... are you okay with those things crawling on you like that?"

"It's fine. They just like the body heat," Ranma explained. "So, we ready for another go?"

Kana's shoulders slumped, a slight tear coming from the corner of her eye (the one that was visible, that is). 'So much for my exciting, romantic rendezvous. How boring.' Not that she would've wanted to cuddle or make out so long as her partner had a bunch of large, hairy arachnids clinging to him. "All right. I'm starting again." Mew!

"Easy... easy..." Kurumu said through clenched teeth as she tiptoed through the bleak, underground cavern.

She gently shifted her weight onto the next tile, and then slowly moved her other leg onto the tile after that, her breath coming out in shallow gasps.

The next tile to be tested promptly sank into the floor the moment Kurumu's foot tapped it, and the succubus barely managed to lurch backward before a blade attached to a pendulum swung past right in front of her.

A few seconds later the blade swung back in the other direction, and then there was a dull clanking noise as some mechanism in the wall reset and the pressure plate slid back up.

After a few more seconds to give her heart time to start beating again, Kurumu turned to the others behind her. "Found another trap."

Tsukune and Moka were huddled together immediately behind her, the latter looking simply terrified while the former nervously kept them on the same narrow path that Kurumu took. Yukari followed behind them, her witch's wand glowing brightly to illuminate the cavern, and alternated between giving Tsukune jealous glares and looking sadly at the tip of her hat, which she had held in her free hand ever since an earlier trap had sliced it clean off.

Actually, Kurumu would've much rather been in Tsukune's arms herself, but it had become clear early on that they needed someone brave enough to take the lead in scouring the cavern, but not brave enough to tell Jadeite to shove it and go on his own. When they were discussing it amongst themselves earlier Tsukune had actually gathered up enough courage to suggest the second option, which led Kurumu to agree to take the first before her beloved got the life force yanked out of him.

Speaking of their club sponsor, Jadeite had simply sat down near the cave entrance with a book before telling them to call him when they reached the end. Not that they had any reasonable way to contact him once they got to wherever they were going, but none of them really cared about what happened to the Dark General so long as they got out of this well alive.

Besides, the bastard was the only one that could fly even within the claustrophobic confines of a narrow tunnel in which Kurumu's wings were useless. He was the last thing any of them needed to worry about.

"This would be SO much easier if you'd just let us use your stupid stick," Kurumu growled as she stepped over the pressure plate, gingerly testing the next floor tile.

"I don't CARE! I already lost my hat; I'm not going to put my wand at risk too!" Yukari complained as she hugged the implement to her chest.

"You think your wand is more important than my leg?" Kurumu growled back.

"Guys, guys, calm down!" Tsukune insisted gently. "Look, we're in a tough situation, but we can get through this, right? Kurumu, you're doing great. And if it weren't for Yukari giving us light, we wouldn't stand a chance! How much farther can this go?"

The two girls simmered for a moment, with Yukari being much more reluctant to listen to Tsukune, but having much less to complain about so long as she was in the back. After a few seconds they both nodded and fell silent.

"Hey, I think the tile ends back there!" Moka said suddenly, startling everyone else.

Kurumu peered into the shadows, but had a hard time seeing more than a meter in front of her. "Are you sure? I can't tell..."

"I can see pretty well in the dark," Moka explained, looking slightly braver after Tsukune's little speech. "I think it turns into a dirt path about five meters ahead."

"Well, at least you've got SOMETHING to help," Kurumu mumbled under her breath as she continued forward cautiously. Really, if it weren't for her biting onto Tsukune every once in a while, Kurumu would start to wonder if the girl was really a vampire at all. 'Immortal ultimate monsters my ass.'

Kchik! Kurumu yelped and hopped backward as a trio of arrows flew from one wall to the other, and in doing so ended up hitting Tsukune and Moka, who promptly stumbled back into Yukari, who barely caught herself from falling with an audible Clack!

"Clack?" Yukari bigsweated as she glanced at her foot, which had strayed from the path Kurumu had checked and was now planted on a sunken pressure plate.

WHAM! Moka barely managed to pull the young witch out of the way as a huge stone block descended from the ceiling, and she had barely caught her breath from the close call before she felt her left leg sink slightly into the floor.

"RUN!" Tsukune screamed as he pulled Moka, and by extension Yukari, out of the way of a giant buzzsaw blade that rose up from the floor.

Chak! Click! Clop! The four students made a mad dash down the tunnel, flailing in a panic as spears, arrows, blades, and pieces of masonry flew at them from all directions.

"Gyeee!" Kurumu squeaked in panic as she saw a massive wooden log suspended to the ceiling at each end swing down straight toward her, and she barely managed to slash forward in time to split the thing in half and clear the way for her to collapse face-first into the dirt.

Whumph! Kurumu let out a grunt as the other three members of her team did the same thing, ending up in a pile with her at the bottom.

Not that it was a very heavy pile, being composed of rather scrawny specimens, and Tsukune was the one immediately on top of her so she chose not to complain.

"Are we there yet?" Yukari groaned as she got up, raising her wand into the air to illuminate their immediate surroundings.

They had landed on a small length of dirt floor that led up to a large stone door that blocked any further progress into the tunnel. Stepping closer to it, the young witch could see several stylized markings on the door arranged on a tilted axis and still visible despite layers of dust and the ravages of time. At first she thought it was some form of writing she just didn't recognize, but after analyzing it further, the markings seemed more artistic, and she became convinced she was looking at some sort of crest or emblem rather than a message.

"Hey Moka, this door is..." Yukari trailed off and her eyes narrowed in annoyance when she saw that the others were still back where they had all collapsed, wasting time as usual.

"Oh, Tsukune! I was so scared!" Kurumu wailed, crushing the boy's face into her cleavage. "Hold onto me a little longer, okay?"

"Kurumu, get up! You're not fooling anyone!" Moka demanded, looking flustered as she tried to pull Tsukune free from the succubus' grip.

"Never mind," Yukari mumbled, tracing the outer edge of the image with her finger. After a few seconds she could tell that the picture was set on a separate piece of stone set into the door, and after a few more seconds of toying with the thing, she found that it rotated.

With only a vague idea of what she was doing, she turned the wheel about until the markings were straight and symmetrical instead of tilted. And then, with an experimental push, the door creaked open.


The three students behind her promptly fell silent at the sound of stone grinding against stone, and Kurumu finally gave up her charade as they saw that the door had been opened.

After a few seconds they followed Yukari wordlessly, passing through the decrepit doorway and into the next and final room.

The room was circular and much larger than the rest of the tunnel, being about fifty meters in diameter and about just as high before one reached the rocky, crumbling ceiling. The walls were covered in all manner of glyphs and runes that Yukari immediately pegged as extensive script and everyone else supposed was the result of a five year-old's doodling after it had gotten ahold of some very long-lived and disturbingly glowy crayons.

What was of slightly greater interest was the middle of the room, which consisted of a single neat pile of speckled gray boulders which rested in the middle of another set of markings on the floor. These were of interest not only because they were glowing much more brightly than the scribbling on the wall, but also because Yukari actually recognized them.

"This is a magical prison of some kind," Yukari explained seriously as she knelt next to the magical script. "A powerful one, though it's grown a little unstable. Something dangerous is trapped in here."

"WAS trapped in here," Kurumu grumbled as she glanced around the room. "Unless this is a magical shelter for people whose pet rocks outgrew their homes."

Moka cleared her throat audibly for a moment, and then held her hands to her mouth. "Professor Jadeite! We're here!" She called.

Tsukune scratched the back of his head. "Is he really going to hear us? We left him pretty far back."

Scratch... Scrape...

"Who cares? We got to the end, we yelled for him, now we're done," Kurumu said in exasperation. "I was expecting, you know, SOMETHING to actually be here after we got through all the traps, but we still have everything attached so I say mission accomplished."

Grind... Creak...

"Does that mean we have to go back through the tunnel?" Moka asked fearfully. "How will we-"

"G-Guys?" Yukari squeaked suddenly, interrupting Moka. "H-Help?"

Turning around, the teenagers' eyes bugged out as they found the source of Yukari's distress.

The "pile of boulders" that they had dismissed earlier was slowly expanding and unfolding itself with alarming stealth considering its size.

One by one, large, scythe-like legs spread over the interior of the magical prison, revealing a huge, bulbous head with about a dozen gleaming eyes set into it like polished onyx gems. An oblong, swollen abdomen with a point at the end uncurled from under the rest of the body as a pair of short, curved fangs wiggled from underneath the head, completing the massive spider's array of appendages.

There were also a long pair of floating, two-dimensional rectangles floating over its head.

"Oh God! Run! That one has a MANA bar!" Tsukune screamed, grabbing hold of Moka and trying to drag her toward the exit.

"Wait! Yukari!" Moka cried out, reaching for the young witch as the enormous arachnid lurched forward to tackle its prey.

"Hi everyone! It's me, Shizuka, and I'm here to talk to you about spider monsters!" the spritely homeroom teacher said, her ear-like hair tufts twitching as she pointed to a blackboard with the proper diagram on it.

"First of all, before speaking about spider monsters, it's important to realize the difference between them and giant spiders! Giant spiders, while monstrous in their own right, aren't real monsters and don't have any real intelligence besides that of an animal. They can be anywhere from the size of a common rat to the size of a large dog, and their temperaments, feeding habits, web patterns, and toxicity all vary as much as that of normal spiders in the wilds of the human world."

She tapped a ruler against the blackboard, drawing attention to a diagram of a humanoid body next to the arachnid one. "Spider monsters, or 'spider people' for the politically correct, are true monsters, having heightened intelligence, strength, resilience, and the ability to take human form at will. Not particularly social creatures, they tend to have a fondness for reading and the arts. If you were to compare them to human high school students, they'd probably be those annoying Goth types, moaning about the pain of life while listening to awful grunge metal and wearing enough black to embarrass a shade."

"In battle, the spider monster likes to ambush its prey, but if finding itself in an actual fight it will usually opt to immobilize its enemy with its webs before striking with lethal poisons. Spider monsters are quick to escape if they think they're outmatched, however, using their webs and many limbs to get past difficult obstacles and get out of reach."

Shizuka then rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Finally, there's one other aspect of spider monsters that one should know: because they favor isolation, some of them take it to an extreme and become hermits, living all alone for decades. Over time, they lose many of the skills of 'civilized' monsters and forget how to speak Japanese or take human form. Eventually, they simply become wild beasts, indistinguishable from the giant spiders save for being... well... giant-er, I suppose."

She scratched her head for a moment before drawing her explanation to its conclusion. "Such individuals are rare, as they go out of their way not to be noticed, but sometimes the unwary may stumble upon them, almost inevitably while wandering through ancient ruins where they don't belong. Anybody stupid enough to do such a thing should prepare to battle the creatures, as you're sure to be mistaken for a hapless adventurer looking for gold or dragons or something."

The homeroom teacher straightened and then bowed. "And now, back to the story!"

Whumph! Yukari flinched as the barrier activated right in front of her, and she stared in paralyzed terror as the massive spider's front legs pounded and clawed against the shimmering curtain of magical power.

"Yukari, are you all right?" Moka asked, pulling herself free from Tsukune so she could help the young witch up.

The pre-teen seemed a bit out of sorts, but calmed down rapidly as it became evident that the monster in the middle of the room couldn't get to her.

"I'm fine. It's fine now," she said shakily, though she didn't hesitate to clamp onto Moka when she was within reach. "The magical prison is still working. It won't get out."

The spider monster seemed to have realized this as well, and had stopped beating uselessly on the wall of magic, instead planting its front two legs up on the barrier while it stared down at Yukari and Moka and wiggled its fangs meaningfully.

Kurumu let out a sigh of relief. "Well, okay, so there is something here. Although it's weird that someone would put all this together to imprison a big spider."

"That's because they didn't," said Jadeite, startling the students as he walked into the chamber with his hands clasped behind his back.

"Professor Jadeite! There you are!" Tsukune said, uncertain whether he was happy to see the Dark General or not. "We reached the end, like you asked..."

"Yes, you did. Congratulations," Jadeite said negligently as he stepped up next to the barrier and stared at the magical runes on the floor. "I must admit though, this was not what I was expecting."

"Why? What were you expecting?" Moka asked cautiously.

"This well is actually a hiding place for Malathus, an abomination created by the witches centuries ago," Jadeite explained as he circled the magic prison, startling Yukari. "Malathus was supposedly a magical focus of pestilence and disease, used as a living weapon against the humans in Europe back before the days of modern medicine. If I recall the records right, its greatest success was the Black Death infections that eventually culled a full quarter of the population from the entire continent."

The four students looked utterly horrorstruck at the revelation, not least of which was Yukari, who had turned a rather ashen white.

"Well... they... must have had a good reason... right?" she asked hoarsely.

"One never needs a good reason to kill humans," Jadeite offered as he completed his circuit around the trapped arachnid, "bloody wasteful though it was. After the humans got the hang of handling pandemics, however, it became obvious that Malathus wouldn't be able to cause that kind of damage again and he was sealed away here."

"Then... that means..." Tsukune looked up the towering, mottled gray spider in trepidation. "That means that this spider is some sort of walking epidemic?"

"No," Jadeite said simply. "You see, Malathus' body was made to resemble an enormous fly to more appropriately symbolize filth and disease."

"Then... THAT means..." Kurumu began.

"Yes," Jadeite said simply. "A spider monster wandered in here after it was sealed, ate Malathus, and then went into hibernation after it realized it was trapped."

The students sweatdropped as they stared up at the spider monster, who still hadn't budged from its earlier threatening pose over Yukari.

"So... now what?" Tsukune asked, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, my original plan is no good, but we do still have an enormous spider monster. That's something, I suppose," Jadeite mumbled before snapping his fingers and pointing to the beast. "Capture it."

"Wh... What?" Tsukune asked, his mouth agape.

"This magical wall is one-way; it will keep things in, but you should have no difficulty entering. Once you are inside, I will wait until you have subdued the beast and then destroy the barrier," Jadeite said calmly, crossing his arms over his chest.

The four students all stared at the club host, then stared at the massive arachnid towering over them. It was easily bigger than any car Tsukune had ever seen, and each of its legs were bigger than he was. He had seen quite a few unnaturally large spiders in his time at Youkai, but never one that could step on him rather than the other way around.

"I have some concerns with this plan," Tsukune said nervously, "and they all have to do with us being within biting range of that thing."

"There's no need!" Yukari said suddenly, reaching under her cape and pulling out what appeared to be a pair of large tarot cards. "Don't worry Moka, I'll handle this! Hyah!"

With a fancy flourish, the young witch hurled the cards through the air at the massive spider, the magical, razor-sharp projectiles sailing straight through the boundary of the prison and flying with perfect accuracy toward the joints of the monster's legs.

Skrak! Skrak! Both of the cards bounced off the rock-hard chitin protecting the beast, and Yukari sweatdropped as her weapons tumbled onto the floor. The spider continued its motionless vigil, unbothered by the attack.

"Okay, yeah, this is NOT happening," Kurumu said as she turned to Jadeite in frustration. "There's no way we can stop that thing! It's impossible!"

The Dark General frowned at her. "Impossible, you say? I don't like to hear such pessimism from my serva... that is, my students," he corrected quickly, raising a hand toward the Kurumu. "Perhaps you need some... motivation."

"Kurumu!" Tsukune gasped as Jadeite's hands started to glow malevolently.

'Ranma, I sure hope you know what you're talking about,' the succubus thought to herself as she reached into her pocket. 'I was hoping I wouldn't have to do something this silly, but...' A moment later she hurled something across the room and into the middle of the circle, right next to the massive spider.

The other students stared. It seemed to be one of those sand-filled rubber stress balls, except that it had undergone numerous repairs and had been done up to resemble a human face. It had big googly eyes glued on above a big dumb grin done in permanent black marker, and it was topped with a tiara and a well-crafted blond wig with twin ponytails hanging from two odangoes.

None of the students could make any sense of the thing, but Kurumu noticed that Jadeite's power instantly winked out and his eyes went glassy the moment he saw the object.

"You wannit? You wannit?" the succubus said in a high-pitched voice that most people used to tease their pets or children. "Go giddit!"

"GRAWR!" Jadeite immediately leapt into the magical barrier and tackled the stress ball, any modicum of control or dignity gone. "Grrr! Raw! Hrrgh!" With the ball in his hands, he started scratching and beating at the thing, eventually biting onto one end and trying to tear it apart in his teeth.

The students all watched with expressions ranging from surprised to disturbed.

"Does he have post-traumatic stress disorder or something?" Yukari asked.

"If he doesn't now, he will soon," mumbled Tsukune as the massive spider slowly turned around to face the snarling, rabid teacher.

"We... We should leave now," Moka ventured, hugging Yukari close as she headed for the entrance tunnel.

"Definitely. Come on, Tsukune," Kurumu said as she grabbed onto her beloved and followed Moka.


"Grrrm! Om grom nom nom!" Jadeite chewed ferociously at the well-patched rubber of the stress ball, and then tugged his jaw to the side as he pulled at the ball, stretching it to its limit.

Pap! The rubber promptly ripped apart, spraying sand all about as the rubber went slack in Jadeite's hands.

The Dark General blinked a few times, his vision turning clear as his mind emerged from its rabid haze.

"What? What just happened?" he asked quietly, staring at the rubber strips in his hand that no longer resembled a face.

Plip! He flinched as he felt something thick and wet fall onto his head, dribbling down over one ear.

Glancing up, he found that the enormous gray-mottled spider monster was now standing over his back, its powerful venom dribbling from its fangs in anticipation of its next meal.

"Wait... where am I?" were Jadeite's last, confused words before the mandibles descended on him.

End Chapter 3

Note: Frank Madaraki is from the comic Franken Fran (Google it!) while Riza Wildman is from the series Princess Resurrection. Both are good, but knowledge of those series isn't important to enjoy this story.
Yukari Sendo is from the actual Rosario plus Vampire canon, for those of you who don't know the series but read this anyway.

Big Human on Campus: Extra!

Whock! The clean smack of a metal club striking a plastic ball rang across the green as the ball sailed through the air in smooth, flawless arc.

Bok! Upon striking ground, it bounced lightly past the hole at the end of the course before stopping at a rest against a small, dry twig.

"Nice shot," said Richard, leaning against a little electric cart at the edge of the green.

Well, "green" was the technical term. Being that this was still around Youkai Academy, the territory was all dry, dusty badlands with a hole and a flag planted at the end of a particularly barren stretch of dirt.

Still, it seemed to make for a decent enough golf course, and the headmaster grinned to himself as he placed his club back into the bag being held by one of his bodyguards. "This hole is par three, Professor. You're going to have a hard time catching up if I can make it in two strokes."

Richard snorted. "If you manage two strokes on a par three hole, may I be struck by lightning and then immediately transmit the lightning to the nearest innocent bystander." The guard holding the headmaster's golf bag flinched. "Yeah, that's right. I'm looking at you, Phil," the warlock warned.

"That's Steven. You killed Philip last week," the headmaster said as he started across the green, gesturing for his opponent to follow.

Richard did follow, though he stared closely at the man in a suit and sunglasses the whole time. "Do you grow these people in vats or something? How do you even tell them apart?"

"Now now, I can't reveal ALL my secrets, old friend," the headmaster said gently, his eyes gleaming from deep within the shadows of his hood.

"You DO grow them in vats, don't you?" Richard deadpanned.

"Yes," the headmaster admitted. "So, how's classes?"

"Interesting," Richard said. "It's unusual for me to still have much of a freshman class by the time club signups roll around, but here we are."

The headmaster nodded for the warlock to continue as he reached his ball and pulled out his putter.

"There's this one kid in particular that's just a riot. Name is Satomi or something. Bounces back no matter what I throw at him and keeps me from killing off everyone else in the class. But best of all, if you ask what kind of monster he is, this kid actually tells you he's human! It's getting to the point that I'm starting to think he believes it!" Richard gave a short chuckle, and then raised his eyebrow at his opponent. "You don't know anything about that, do you?"

The headmaster's grin stretched wider. "Perhaps..."

"That would be a no, then," Richard guessed.

Pok! "That would be a no," the headmaster confirmed as his putt rolled deftly into the hole.

"Oh, shit!" the bodyguard said, turning around to run as several thunderclouds started rolling about over Richard's head.

Cracka-boom! Lightning surged downward into the warlock's body, and the undead mage chuckled darkly before thrusting his palm at the retreating henchman. BZZZZAP!


The headmaster waited patiently until the smoke parted to reveal the charred skeleton of his servant, and then wordlessly stepped up to the bag of clubs that was still strapped to the body's back (and mysteriously unharmed by the lightning) to put away his putter.

"You used to at least wait until the fourth hole before you made me carry my own bags," the headmaster said almost sadly, though he was still grinning.

"You could stand to lose some weight. You don't get out much anymore," the warlock said, his hands glowing with dark power as they headed back to the start of the green. "Summon vorpal nine-iron!"

Pure, chaotic darkness coalesced into the undead mage's hand before shaping itself an imitation of a gold club, the black energies sparking and writhing as they tried desperately to annihilate everything around them.

"A vorpal golf club?" the headmaster deadpanned as Richard took up his stance. "That goes beyond the realm of overkill and across the line to pointless."

"It's mostly just for the plus five to hit," the undead mage explained, lining up the club and then swinging mightily. Bzock!

The smouldering golf ball sailed over the green, a path of smoke and flickering dark magic marking its path.

"Yes..." Richard mumbled as the ball approached the hole.

Bok!

"Yes..." he said again as the ball bounced just a few feet from the hole and kept bouncing directly toward it.

Bap, bop!

"Yes!" he shouted as the ball rolled straight toward the lip of the hole which was his goal.

BWOOOOM!!

"No..." the warlock said sadly as an enormous magical detonation rocked the Earth and the hole vanished within a cloud of dirt, rock, and dark fire.

"Back! Back, you foolish beast!" Snarled Jadeite as he staggered away from the new smoldering crater he had created, blood running down his forehead and back and one of his arms stuck to his side with webbing. His free hand was freely releasing small bolts of darkness behind him haphazardly, trying to cover his escape.

Charging through the rain of black magic and weathering the assault surprisingly well was a gigantic spider with a gray mottled carapace that resembled rock. Much of that carapace was charred and there were more than a few bloody cracks here and there, but for the most part the arachnid seemed in good enough shape to keep trying to kill its wily foodstuff.

Bwap! Richard didn't move immediately when his golf ball bounced off of his head, although his eye twitched when he heard it land behind him.

"Hmmm... it looks like you actually lost two meters in that drive," the headmaster said, his grin widening again. "Oh well. If you can manage a shot like that again, I'm sure you can match me."

"Give me a minute to clear the green of... hazards," Richard said dangerously, taking up the vorpal golf club in his hands as it thirsted for destruction within his grasp.