Okay, I'll be honest with you all; I'm only writing this because I have six more days to meet my monthly deadline, and these are a lot shorter than the chapter of Guardian I started on. On a different note, why haven't I given up on Disgaea yet? It's taken up almost the entire month's writing time! It takes like an hour to power up a single item! WHY DO I LOVE IT SO?! WHY?!?!

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
Case 5
**********************************************************************************

"So in conclusion, our profits for our legal department were steady this quarter, showing an average of 3% growth in profits from our legal proceedings. While acceptable, these profits are absolutely DWARFED by our pastry division, which continues to show a steady 17% growth every quarter, and will soon demand expansion to maximize gains."
Mousse put down his laser pointer and turned away from the projection of the company's profit charts.
"I'm not saying we need to enact big changes; we're doing good, and we want to build on that, not disturb it. What we need to do is nurture the... unusual culture we have present in our attorney pool, and attempt to squeeze a little more efficiency out of them without generating waste or hurting morale. I'm asking all company executives to forward suggestions within the next week. The clock is ticking, people, and our stockholders are impatient!"
Nodding conclusively, Mousse cleared his throat and once again addressed the room in general. "Are there any questions?"
Ranma raised his hand, his left eyebrow twitching. "Just one: I'm not an executive. Why did I have to attend this meeting?"
Mousse rolled his eyes. "You'll never get promoted if you don't start taking a greater interest in the company as a whole, Saotome. You should be glad I invited you to this meeting!"
"I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE!!" Ranma shouted irritably, slamming his hand on the desk in front of him. "And you didn't 'invite' me to this meeting; you just walked into my office and started doing your presentation!" Then he looked at his watch. "During my LUNCH HOUR!!"
Mousse shook his head condescendingly, causing the pigtailed attorney to grit his teeth in frustration. "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma. When are you going to start thinking about the future? About advancement?"
"When it doesn't mean working alongside YOU," Ranma said bluntly.
"Whatever." Mousse adjusted his glasses and picked up his laser pointer. "I declare this meeting of Mousse's Law Firm and Olde Style Doughnut Shoppe concluded!"
"Glad to hear it. Now buzz off." With that, Ranma reached under his desk and pressed a large red button on the underside labeled [Boss Exit].
*Splash!* Mousse let out a surprised squawk as a trapdoor opened above him, dumping several gallons of relatively cold tap water over his head.
"Quack!" Mousse began to shake the water from his feathers when he noticed the fake diploma framed on Ranma's wall flip over of its own accord to reveal a poster that said [Duck Season] in big, bold red letters.
"Quack?" Mousse said nervously, a feeling of dread overtaking him.
"Growf!" Was Genma's reply, jumping out from behind Ranma's desk (in panda form of course) wearing a red plaid jacket and matching oversized cap while hoisting a shotgun.
"Quack! Quack!" The CEO-turned-duck immediately panicked, flapping around wildly as Genma began the herculean task of properly aiming his weapon without the aid of opposable thumbs.
Not that he let aiming slow him down. *BLAM!!* *BLAM!!* *BLAM!!*

Ignoring the gunshots and incessant squawking, Ranma put his feet up on his desk and opened up a newspaper.
"Huh... so that Bush guy won again..." Ranma frowned and looked up at the ceiling in thought. "This was an election year?"
*BLAM!!* *BLAM!!* [Hey! At least fly around a little! You're harder to hit darting around the office furniture on the floor like that!]
"Huh. I have to read the paper more often." Ranma mused.
*Bzzt!* *Airen, dog-boy girlfriend here to see you.*
Ranma blinked, then pushed the button on the intercom. "Kagome? Tell her-"
*BLAM!!* *BLAM!!* *BLAM!!* "QUACK!!" "QUACK!!"
Gritting his teeth, Ranma turned around and glared at his father. "YO!! Can you PLEASE play the part right and be vewy vewy quiet?! I'm trying to work here!"
Genma and Mousse winced, and then the former nudged his head toward the door.
Mousse caught the gesture, gave a small, ducky sigh, and then nodded, following the panda out.
"Hmph." Ranma pressed the button on the intercom again. "Tell Kagome that Yasha 'aint here. He's probably in his office."
*She say she know. She want see you.*
Ranma blinked. "Tell her that I'm flattered, but I have way too many options open for me to risk my best friend's trust for a girl who's only a B cup."
There was a brief scuffle at the other end of the intercom, and then it was Kagome who spoke.
*Oh, get over yourself! I'm here on serious business!* There was a momentary pause on the other end. *And, FYI, I'm a small C, alright?!*
Ranma raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Uh huh... riiiiight... Okay, fine, come on in."

Kagome entered Ranma's office looking somewhat put off, and was surprised to see the pigtailed man smiling brightly at her.
"Hey! Kag-chan! So good to see ya!" Ranma jumped over his desk and gave the surprised young woman a quick hug before placing his hands on her shoulders and holding her at arm's length. "You're looking great, kid! Really good! I tell you, this priestess/archer demon hunter thing is just SO YOU!! That Inu-Yasha is one lucky dog! Ha ha ha!!"
Kagome sweatdropped. "Uhm... thanks?"
Ranma nodded. "Well then! That's enough small talk; what the hell are you doing in my office, and how can I get you out?"
The shikon guardian sighed. "I need a lawyer, Ranma."
Ranma stared at her blankly for a few moments. "............ And... what? You want me to carry you to Yasha's office or something? Your boyfriend is a lawyer too, you know."
A vein popped up on Kagome's head, and she found herself feeling quite uncomfortable with the absence of any prayer beads around Ranma's neck with which to punish him at will. "Would you be quiet and listen?!"
Kagome took a deep breath, and then moved past Ranma to sit in the chair which was usually reserved for clients. "I'd LOVE for Inu-Yasha to work this case. It'd make things a whole lot simpler. But he can't."
Ranma blinked, and then moved to take his own usual seat, intrigued. "Go on."
"The trial is about him, you see," Kagome muttered uncomfortably, "so for him to represent either side would be a conflict of interests."
Ranma blinked again, and then gaped in surprise. "You... You mean..."
Kagome blinked as well, wondering how Ranma had already managed to figure out her situation with so little information.
"You mean 'conflict of interest' means you're not allowed to participate in a case?!" Ranma asked in total shock, standing up and leaning over his desk.
Kagome's expression went flat, and a huge sweatdrop rolled down the side of her head. "Yes. Of course it does."
"Ah..." The pigtailed lawyer looked up in thought. "I always wondered what that meant exactly... uh... hold on a sec, would you?"
Quickly digging into one of his drawers, Ranma took out several papers and began writing notes on each one.
Then he looked up. "Hey, would seducing a judge or the client of my opposition be considered... er... you know, that interest thing?"
"Uh, yeah, probably," Kagome deadpanned.
"Damn." Ranma looked down at the pile of papers in the drawer, and then picked up the whole pile and began running them through the shredder, several at a time.
After about a minute of this, he then took out his day planner and began scribbling out messages and reminders.
Kagome's sweatdrop grew bigger.
"There! Done!" Ranma clapped his planner shut and then turned back to his new client. "Well, it would seem that I'm now free for the next... uh," he opened the planner again and looked it over, "four months. So! What's this all about?"
Kagome shook her head. "It's... it's Kikyo."
Ranma nodded in understanding. "Ah, yes, the evil ex who never quite got over her man. We've all been there."
"Hardly," Kagome mumbled irritably, "anyway, now she's taken it to the next level; she's summoned me to court to fight for custody of Inu-Yasha."
*Snort!* Ranma had to keep from laughing outright as Kagome spoke, and shook his head condescendingly. "My dear, dear Kag-chan... this case is over already. You CAN'T claim custody of a boyfriend. Or even a husband, for that matter."
"Well, she's not claiming him as a boyfriend or a husband," Kagome said bitterly, handing Ranma her court summons.
Raising an eyebrow, Ranma took the summons and quickly scanned it, looking for the critical information.
He found it fairly quickly, and stared, unmoving, at the sentence he was looking for, his mind unable to fully grasp what was happening.
".................. She's claiming him as her pet?!" Ranma asked finally, slamming the paper down onto his desk.
Kagome nodded. "The trial starts three days from now; they're holding Inu-Yasha in a local kennel, but I don't think it's good for him to be locked in a tiny cage all the time, especially because I keep getting billed for all the damage he's causing from them trying to keep him there. Seeing how he's your best friend, I was hoping you'd take custody of him, as well as help me keep him away from Kikyo."
Ranma sighed and massaged his forehead. "All right, all right..." then he stopped to think about the case. "So what does Yasha think about all this?"
Kagome snorted. "What do you think? He's been going on and on about being treated like property and like a dumb animal and how it's wrong and how this whole trial is an insult."
Ranma sweatdropped. "And isn't he right?"
"It doesn't matter!" Kagome yelled, standing up and slamming her palms flat on top of Ranma's desk. "There's no way I'm letting that dead bitch take him! He's mine! And if I have to fill out some damn form that says he's my dog to keep him away from her, then hand me a pen!"
"Very inspiring," Ranma muttered, looking completely unimpressed. "However, I don't really care about your personal feelings regarding this case. MY personal feelings are that Yasha's absolutely right; this trial is an insult to him, and for you to just accept it and try to win him by fighting Kikyo on her level makes you no better than she is." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll take in Yasha until this whole thing blows over, but find someone else to plead your case for you."
"Is that how you really feel about it?" Kagome asked evenly, surprising Ranma.
"Er... yeah, pretty much."
Kagome then withdrew a thick black object a bit bigger than her fist and tossed it on Ranma's desk. "How about now?"
The pigtailed man looked down at the object. "Is that... Inu-Yasha's wallet?"
Kagome nodded, barely suppressing a smirk. "I hear he makes more than you. And by coincidence, he had just cashed his last paycheck before the animal control people tranquilized him and carried him off." Not able to resist any more, she smirked. "I won't bother asking what your fee is. Take the case and it's yours."
Looking somewhat uncertain, Ranma picked up the black leather case and opened it up, sticking his fingers in to poke through the bills and check their various values.
"Screw the Magic 8 Ball! I'll take the case!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

Kagome fidgeted in her seat as Ranma waited patiently next to her, awaiting the arrival of the opposition.
"I dunno Ranma... I'm kind of nervous about this sort of thing..."
Ranma sighed. "Kag, don't worry about it, alright? It's gonna be fine. It's just some civilized discussion and discourse before the actual fight. Think of it as a parley before a major battle."
Inu-Yasha twitched. "I don't see why I have to be here... especially like this."
Ranma sighed and picked up the leash that was attached to the collar Inu-Yasha wore as he crouched down on the floor.
"Yasha, we've already been through this; since the prayer beads are a symbol of ownership by Kagome, they had to be removed before the trial proceeded. And since I'm not allowed to let you out of my sight and you DO have a long history of agressive behavior, I have to keep you on a leash as well."
Then Ranma leaned over and patted his friend on the head. "But believe me when I say I don't enjoy depriving you of your freedom any more than you enjoy being deprived of it."
"Then why did you pay extra for a choke collar?" Inu-Yasha growled.
"So I can do this," Ranma said, pulling back on the leash. "Shut up, boy."
"Gerk!"
"OHOHOHOHO!! I see we're all here!"

A shudder passed through Ranma's body, and he, Kagome, and Inu-Yasha all turned toward the meeting room entrance.
Ranma was terribly relieved to see that the person following Kikyo into the room wasn't, in fact, his long-time suitor Kodachi, but a far more well-endowed woman in an unusually revealing black business suit with, of all things, a skull amulet around her neck.
Under normal circumstances, Ranma would have began mentally undressing a woman with such a great body immediately, but something about the woman (quite possibly her laugh) drove a chill down his spine whenever he looked at her.
"Hello Inu-Yasha," Kikyo intoned neutrally, sitting down across from Kagome while ignoring her reincarnation's presence entirely, "it's good to see you again."
"The feeling isn't mutual," the half-demon groused, idly fingering his choke collar. "Let's hurry up and get this over with; Ranma still hasn't walked me this morning."
"Don't worry, this won't take long," the woman who was obviously the attorney grinned as she sat down, flipping her long, black hair out over the backrest of the chair. "Allow me to introduce myself! I'm Lina Inverse's rival in law, Naga the White Briefcase! OHOHOHOHOHO!!"
Ranma blinked. "Lina Inverse? I thought she was a judge, not a lawyer."
Naga stopped laughing and twitched. "She... she is, actually."
"How can an attorney be a judge's rival?"
"Because I say so!" Naga retorted angrily.
"I don't care about that," Kagome said, her eyes narrowing, "but why is your briefcase black?"
The sorceress blinked. "Hm? I don't understand."
"You call yourself the 'White Briefcase', but your briefcase isn't white," Inu-Yasha explained, curious himself.
"I don't think this is a productive topic of discussion," Ranma offered, turning toward Kikyo.
"Now Kikyo, I want you to know that it's not too late to back out of this," the pigtailed attorney explained calmly. "You must know that with your history of trying to kill Inu-Yasha and being animated by virtue of your hatred for him at your time of death, we have a significant advantage, and this trial is winner-take-all. You may want to reconsider leaving the balance of power the way it is."
"Inu-Yasha is MINE." Kikyo said evenly.
"That's for the judge to decide," Kagome growled out in response.
Inu-Yasha, surprisingly, neglected to try and intervene, deciding that his opinion would be ignored one way or another anyhow. With nothing better to do, he laid down on the floor and began to drift off to sleep.
"Kagome is merely an extension of Kikyo's own soul as her reincarnation, and thus her 'feelings' for her 'pet' can be explained as merely leftover 'emotions' from her previous 'life'." Naga droned, repeatedly bending her index and middle fingers to indicate the proper quotations.
"That can work both ways," Ranma countered, "Kikyo's dead... well, technically. Her soul has been legally passed on to Kagome. Regardless of whether her relationship with Yasha is the result of her own experiences or emotional baggage from some dead chick, the feelings are her own!"
"Tch! This is going nowhere," Naga said, standing up, "if we're just going to throw arguments at each other, we should do it in the courtroom."
"Agreed," Ranma said, leaning back. "However, I do have a question for your client. Not that she HAS to answer, of course, but I am curious."
Naga frowned, and Kikyo raised an eyebrow.
"If things don't work out for you tomorrow, do you wanna have lunch on Saturday?"
Inu-Yasha's head jerked up, and the half-demon growled threateningly at his friend.
"Hey, whoa! Down, boy!" Ranma shouted, yanking on the leash in defense. "Don't get angry at me! No matter what happens, you're going to be short a girlfriend soon!"
"Eleventh commandment, Saotome!" Inu-Yasha gasped out, tugging at his collar. "'Thou shalt not date thy best friend's ex!'"
The two men were about to continue the argument when Kikyo cleared her throat.
"An... interesting proposal. And my answer." Without another word, Kikyo drew an arrow from her ever-present quiver on her back, pulled it back into her bow, and then shot it straight towards Ranma's head.
The pigtailed man blinked as he jerked his head to one side, letting the arrow embed itself harmlessly in the wall behind him.
"Naga? Let's go." The undead priestess said calmly as she exited the room.
"Eh? Oh! Uh, right!" The somewhat startled sorceress/attorney took off after her client, totally unsure of what to make of the whole incident.

Ranma watched them go, then smiled as he shook his head. "Man Yasha, I don't know about her taste in lovers, but yours is GREAT!"
"Oh, shut up." Inu-Yasha and Kagome mumbled at once.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Pre-trial check," Ranma said neutrally, staring straight forward at the judge's stand as he adjusted his tie. "Assistant?"
[Check!] Genma signed, pointing a claw at himself.
"Evidence/witness file?"
[Check!] Genma signed again, holding up the folder.
"Client?"
Kagome blinked. "I'm he-" *Whack!* "OW!!"
Genma-panda glared at the young woman as she held her head in pain. [Silence, woman! We're working here!] Then he flipped the sign around. [Check!]
"Snappy outfit?" Ranma said, spreading his arms out.
[Check and double check!]
Ranma nodded. "Papers that I've been carrying around at all times for three years so that it looks like I keep lots of meaningful information in my briefcase?"
Genma opened the leather container and looked down at the neatly stacked papers with poorly typed, completely irrelevant data. [Check!]
"Bag lunch?"
Genma picked up the papers, revealing a brown paper bag that they had been insulating. [Check!]
Ranma grinned and sat down. "All systems are go! Let's do this!"
Across the court room, Naga snickered. "You'll need more than a 'can-do' attitude to beat me, Saotome."
Sitting on the side of Naga opposite Ranma's bench, Kikyo ventured a look around the courtroom and then turned toward Ranma.
"Saotome, where is Inu-Yasha? Is he not going to be here during the trial?"
Ranma chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Oh, he would be here, but there are some little minor issues that needed to be taken care of."
Kagome frowned, turning toward her legal representative. "What kind of issues?"
Ranma shrugged. "Just some blood work, a general checkup; that sort of thing. Don't worry, I told the vet to use heavy steel restraints, so it's quite possible Yasha'll get through it without killing anybody."
His client stared at him incredulously. "You sent him to a VET?! Weren't you the one who objected to him being treated like a pet in the first place?"
"Hypocrisy comes with the job, lady," Ranma retorted evenly, turning his attention once more toward the judge's stand.

"Hear ye, hear ye, all with business before this court! The right honorable Judge Luna presiding!" Zelgadis intoned with perhaps a degree less apathy than he normally did.
Ranma frowned. "Judge Luna? Hmmm... Never heard of her."
Everyone in the court room stared at the back door, waiting for it to open.
*Scratch* *Scratch* *Scratch*
Zelgadis looked back with a puzzled expression, and then his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered something important. "Okay! Okay! Sorry! I forgot!" Rushing up to the back door, the chimera opened it up himself, stepping back to allow the judge access to the room.
The spectators and legal teams waited anxiously, and blinked in tandem when Zelgadis closed the door, even though they hadn't seen anybody enter.
Ranma was about to ask the obvious question, when a small black cat with a crescent moon on its forehead jumped up from behind the judge's stand on top of the desk.
Luna smirked slightly at the surprised looks she got across the court room, and sharply tapped one of her claws on the desk she was sitting on (there was no way she was going to manage to pick up the gavel). "This court will come to or-"
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"
Several people jumped in surprise as Ranma fell backwards out of his chair and then huddled underneath the defense team's bench.
"C-C-CAT!! CAT!! GET IT AWAY!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
"What in the heavens is wrong with him?!" Luna asked, staring at the shaking table in morbid fascination.
Genma sweatdropped as people around the court room began to stir, and raised a sign nervously. [Um... Sorry. My bad.] Just as he planned, no one really noticed.
"Saotome, get a hold of yourself!" Zelgadis shouted, leaning over to look under the desk.
"N-N-NO!! GET THAT CAT OUT OF HERE!!"
Naga finally lost what little self-control she had and burst out laughing. "OHOHOHOHO!! How amusing! The trial hasn't even begun and the defense team is already in pieces!"
Kagome grit her teeth as Genma and Zelgadis tried to coax her lawyer out from underneath his desk. "Dammit... I am NOT going to lose this case because my IDIOT LAWYER has a sudden case of ailurophobia!"
Genma stood up and raised a sign. [Actually, it's not sudden at all.]
"Shut up!" Kagome shouted. Then she reached down under the desk and grabbed Ranma by the shirt, pulling him up to face her. "Hey!! Snap out of it!!" *SMACK!!*
The entire room fell silent as Kagome slapped Ranma as hard as she could, such that both her hand and Ranma's cheek were a deep red.
Ranma stopped shouting, and blinked in surprise.
Then he disengaged himself from Kagome, stood up straight, and bowed apologetically toward the judge's stand.
"I'm sorry for the outburst. It's a personal thing. I'm fine now."
Naga raised an eyebrow, her head in her hand as her elbow rested on her desk. "Are you sure you're okay? We can always declare this a mistrial if you feel too... intimidated by the big, bad pussycat." She smirked.
Ranma didn't take the bait, and didn't even turn toward her. "No, really, I'm fine. We can continue."
"Then why are you trying to sneak out of the room?" Naga countered, smirking again.
Ranma looked down, and saw that indeed, totally independent of his mind, his body had been backing through the spectator seating toward the double-door entrance. Through sheer force of will, he forced his legs to stop, and then, with great difficulty, began to drag himself back toward the defense's desk by taking hold of each spectator bench and pulling his frozen body forward.
Eventually, with all eyes watching, he pushed away from the final spectator seat and threw himself face-first onto his side's desk.
Luna sweatdropped. Heavily. "Dare I ask... is the defense ready to proceed?"
Ranma didn't look up, and instead raised a hand and gave a thumbs-up.
"All right then... I call this court to order! The case of Kagome vs. Kikyo is now in session!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

"-and so this poor, poor dog, a victim of the cruel cyclone of fate, was unfairly and unjustly separated from his owner, Kikyo, in a misunderstanding that was both mutual and influenced by outside forces!"
Naga gestured to Kikyo, who remained seated at the plaintiff's bench.
"SOME might argue that just because she ALLEGEDLY died, she forfeited all rights of ownership of her pet. But I say...... uh..." Naga frowned as she tried to remember the next part of her opening statement, with little success. "Er... well... NO!" She finished triumphantly, even as everyone else in the room sweatdropped.
Luna shook her head, then ventured a glance toward Ranma (she had come to notice he seemed less affected by her presence if she didn't look directly at him). "Saotome, your opening statement?"
Ranma stood up, apparently having regained control of his lower torso. "Thank you your CAT!"
Then, acting as if he hadn't just had a small outburst, he walked to the middle of the room and began pacing.
"This case is CAT as simple as they come; a woman has a CAT pet. The woman CAT dies. The CAT pet finds a new owner. It's a scenario that CAT has played itself out all over the world, time and CAT time again."
Zelgadis idly scratched his head as he watched Ranma calmly pace the width of the room, looking for all the world as if he wasn't suddenly shouting in the middle of every sentence.
"Does the mere raising of the CAT former owner give her the right to CAT everything she possessed before? Do the CAT undead even have rights? These issues, unfortunately CAT, are not addressed in any formal document, but I would like to CAT cite the case of Largo vs. Tohya, in which the case was prematurely concluded when CAT the defendant was forced to flee the courtroom as she was CAT assaulted by the plaintiff with a crossbow."
"Precedent is noted," Luna said, waving Ranma away, "now go sit back down before you have a heart attack."
"Thank you, your honorable CAT!" Ranma squawked, walking stiffly back to his chair and sitting down woodenly.
Luna turned toward Naga. "Is the plaintiff ready to call its first witness?"
Naga nodded and stood up. "I'd like to call Miroku the monk to the stand!"
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Now Miroku..." Naga began, giving the amorous young man a sly smile. "Tell the court about Kagome's... relationship with a certain other... 'pet' of hers. I believe it was... ah, yes! Kouga of the Wolf Demon tribe!"
Miroku nodded obligingly, looking unusually serious. "I always found Kagome's relationship with Kouga as being... well, more meaningful than her one with Inu-Yasha. She always treated Kouga with respect, and was thankful for his help, while she took Inu-Yasha for granted on a regular basis and punished for minor transgressions." The monk shrugged. "I always thought it was most odd that she was so... well, accepting of Kouga, even though he kidnapped her and almost got her killed. Especially when she would punish Inu-Yasha to keep them from fighting when Kouga would appear out of nowhere."
Kagome had been turning red since the beginning of Miroku's testimony, and glared hotly at the monk near the end.
Naga nodded and turned away from the witness bench. "That will be... eh?" Her eye twitched, and she slowly craned her neck to look behind her.
*Rub* *Rub* *Rub* Miroku smiled pleasantly as he caressed Naga's rear, and suddenly looked up as he realized she was glaring at him dangerously.
"Oh! I'm sorry, I just saw a loose thread, so I thought I'd-"
"Mega brando!" *KABOOM!!*
Naga turned back around from the smoking crater that was once the witness stand. "THAT will be all, your honor. The witness, assuming he still has a pulse, is acceptable to the defense."
Ranma frowned, then leaned toward Kagome. "Old trick; question a witness, and then kill him for some minor transgression so that he can't be cross-examined."
Nevertheless, the pigtailed attorney got up and approached the blackened crater.

"Yo, monk, you all right?"
There was some movement under the charred debris, and after a moment a blacked form sat up and rubbed its chin thoughtfully.
"Mmmm, it was worth the pain."
"Glad to hear it," Ranma muttered, sweatdropping. "Now answer a question for me: it's perfectly acceptable for a girl of my client's age to have more than one pet, right?"
Miroku frowned. "Inu-Yasha was hardly a pet to Kagome; he was more like a bodyguard."
"Fine, so he was the equivalent of a guard dog," Ranma said dismissively, leaning on the judge's stand. "Now, has my client demonstrated anything that you would term as neglect for Inu-Yasha?"
Miroku scratched his chin in thought. "Neglect... that's an interesting way to put it..." finally, he shrugged. "I don't suppose so. At least, not in the sense of an owner to her pet. Perhaps she was a bit quick to discipline-"
"Okay, good, you can shut up now," Ranma said, wanting to cut the monk off before he revealed any ugly truths Naga hadn't dug up. "Before we finish up, I have one more question."
Then he leaned in much closer, almost such that he was whispering into Miroku's ear. "Do you have Kikyo's phone number?"
"Objection! Irrelevant!" Naga shouted, standing up. Not that she really cared if Ranma made it with her client, but she wanted to hit her opponent in any way she could.
"Sustained," Luna muttered. Then she stood up on top of her desk and leaned over the remains of the witness stand. "You've only recently stopped shouting 'cat' every ten seconds, Saotome; please try and stay focused."
Then the feline judge blinked as she realized Ranma was standing rigidly at attention, with his cheeks puffed up with air as if he was holding his breath.
She sighed. "All right, all right, go ahead and let it out of your system."
Ranma nodded gratefully. "AAAAAAAAAAH!!! CAT!! CAT!! IT'S A CAT!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!! CAT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"
Luna rolled her eyes as the pigtailed man went on for forty more seconds, screaming his lungs out while his body stood perfectly still.
Finally he stopped, and took in a desperate breath of air to try and replenish his oxygen supply.
"Are you quite finished?" Luna asked, annoyed.
"Yeah, I'm good. Nothing further."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"I think we've got it made so long as Naga's argument about you having Kikyo's soul doesn't go her way," Ranma said to Kagome as they made their way to the vet's office. "Either way though, this should be all wrapped up tomorrow."
"Glad to hear it," Kagome mumbled bitterly. "I STILL can't believe Miroku said those things about me!" Then she frowned. "Hey, can I sue him for that?"
"Uh... no," Ranma said, sweatdropping. "Let's try not to perpetuate the never-ending series of frivolous lawsuits, okay?"

Pushing open the door to the vet's office, Ranma smiled as he was treated to the sight of several of the office staff huddling together in a corner while Inu-Yasha stood over them, flexing his claws menacingly.
"I'm going to ask you ONE MORE TIME," the half-demon growled, "which one of you said the word 'neuter'?"
"I'm a lawyer!" Ranma announced, stepping forward and taking hold of Inu-Yasha's shoulder. "You don't have to answer that!"
"About time you showed up," Inu-Yasha muttered, standing down slightly and allowing the veterinarians and assistants to flee out the back door.
"Hm, five more minutes and we would've needed some real doctors around here." Ranma said, stretching.
"What was that, Saotome?" A new voice said.
The only three occupants of the room turned toward the entrance to the examination room, and Ami Mizuno stepped out hugging a clipboard to her chest, frowning at Ranma.
"Ah! Ami-chan! It's been a while! How're ya doing?" The pigtailed man asked pleasantly.
The part-time vet, part-time Senshi of Mercury twitched. "Not so good, actually. Since you killed Setsuna in the trial three months ago, our destined conquest and the eventual purging of evil from the world has been completely derailed, and we lost a critical advantage over the forces of darkness which are even now threatening to engulf the world and bring humanity to its knees."
"Well... yeah, but I won the case for you, didn't I?" Ranma offered.
Ami sighed and turned toward Kagome. "Inu-Yasha is cleared to go. His blood work results will be finished tomorrow, but I doubt anything important will come up."
"Thank you very much," Kagome said, bowing. Then she turned toward Inu-Yasha and patted her leg. "Come on boy! Come!"
"Shut up," the half-demon said bitterly, following Ranma toward the exit.

The three were about to leave the office when Ranma turned to watch Ami re-enter the examination room. Then he tapped Kagome on the shoulder.
"Hey Kag, here are my keys; could you take Inu-Yasha home for me?" He looked back toward the examination room entrance and smirked. "I have some 'business' to take care of."
Kagome twitched. "Pig. You're as bad as Miroku."
"I'm nowhere near as bad as Miroku," Ranma said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. "Miroku won't even hesitate to give up a chance at nailing a chick to steal second base, and usually gets hurt for his trouble. That's no way to score."
The reincarnated shrine priestess just rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever. We won't wait up for you."

Ami sighed as she heard the door behind her open, but continued to measure out a sample of Inu-Yasha's blood even as she spoke. "I thought you might stay. This area is employees only. Please leave."
Ranma backed up in mock hurt. "Ouch! So cold!" Then he smiled amiably. "But what should I expect from 'Ice Machine' Mizuno?"
Ami grit her teeth and put the beaker she was using aside. "I hate that nickname..."
Ranma blinked. "Really? Then how about the other one? You know, 'Snow Blo-'"
"What do you want, Ranma?!" Ami asked harshly, finally turning to face him.
Ranma raised his hands up defensively. "Hey, now! It's just that now that the trial and my volatile relationship with your teammates are all over and done with, I thought that we could just go out and have dinner like two regular people on a regular date, you know?"
"Can't you just seduce your client, like usual?" Ami said coldly, arms crossed under her breasts.
"Off limits," Ranma said immediately, "and the plaintiff is..." he managed to stop himself at that point, and then cleared his throat before shaking his head sadly. "Now look, I'm trying to be a perfectly civil adult about this, and you're just trying to reject me in the most painful and humiliating way possible. This is why nice, sensitive guys don't ask girls out, you know."
Ami stopped to think about it, and her frown lessened. "Well... you really just want to go to dinner?"
"Of course not," Ranma said bluntly, "I really want to pull that lab coat off of you, push you down on the table right here, and ravish you until we're both exhausted. But that's not going to happen if you can't improve your attitude a little."
"AAAARGH!!" Ami clasped her head in frustration and yanked painfully on fistfuls of hair for a few moments before glaring at Ranma. "I should have known better than to expect anything else from you!"
"And THAT is why there are no honest guys anymore; they all died out before they got a chance to reproduce," Ranma explained.
Seeing the young woman turn away hotly, the pigtailed man tenderly took her by the shoulders. "Come on, you can't tell me that the last... eight times didn't mean anything to you."
"I-It was seven times, not eight...... and d-don't touch me," the blue-haired woman said nervously.
Ranma grinned and took his hands off her shoulders, leaning down so that he could whisper right into her ear. "Oh? So you forgot about the time in the hot tub with the buckets of ice? It still counts if only you climax, you know..."
Ami shuddered as she began to experience pleasant sensations up and down her body. "You weren't... THAT good."
"That's not what you saaaaaaaid..." the pigtailed man sang lightly into her ear.
Finally, Ami's resistance broke, and she threw her hands up in defeat. "All right! All right!" Sighing, she started to remove her lab coat. "I'll sleep with you again, but I REFUSE to enjoy it this time!"
"Works for me," Ranma said happily, sweeping Ami's desk with his arm, and incidentally pushing her current work into a big mess of glass containers and open chemical bottles.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"So you see," Ranma concluded, raising his index finger into the air as he paced the length of the court room, "Kagome's ownership of Kikyo's soul is irrelevant in the determination of present ownership of past belongings! Given that the former owner of Inu-Yasha was confirmed dead by any and all necessary standards, she relinquished former property just as she relinquished her soul!"
Then Ranma turned toward the spectator stands and shrugged. "But, I mean, come on! We're talking about reincarnated spirits, here! What scientific basis does this all have? How do we know, for a fact, that Kagome even IS Kikyo's reincarnation? Before the ramifications of such a thing are considered, shouldn't we stop and ask ourselves if it all makes sense in the first place?"
Ranma was looking quite pleased with himself until Naga stood up, smiling smugly.
"Your honor, if it pleases the court, I have a method of determining whether Kagome is, in fact, Kikyo's actual reincarnation."
Ranma blinked in surprise. "What? You serious?"
Naga grinned. "I made it myself!" Then she pulled up a large case that was sitting under her and dropped it heavily onto the plaintiff's table. "I call it the 'Spirit-lyzer 2000'!" Then she opened the case.
[I call it a colander with two electrodes attached to it.] Genma signed.
Next to him, Inu-Yasha (who was tied to the desk by his leash) shook his head. "This is NOT going to end well."
"Silence!" Naga called out. "This is state-of-the-art, cutting-edge magi-technology! And with that many hyphens in one sentence, you know it'll work!"
Luna frowned, unsure of what to make of the device. "Before we proceed, is there any scientific basis for the accuracy and reliability of this machine?"
Naga chuckled. "I thought you might ask that! So I paid this expert I found on the street to come in and make me look more credible!" Then she turned and pointed toward a man in the spectator booths.
The man stood up. "I am an expert. For all I know, the machine works." Then he took a wad of bills out of his pocket and started counting them.
Naga smiled brightly and gave the man a thumbs-up.
Ranma frowned dubiously. "Wait a minute... what, exactly, is he an expert ON, anyway?"
"That's not important!" Naga shouted, turning toward the judge's stand. "Your honor, may I proceed?"
Luna looked doubtful, but eventually shrugged. "I'm going to allow this, if only for the entertainment value."

Kagome swallowed deeply as Naga placed the metal colander over her head and began attaching suction cups to various areas of her skull. "A-Are you sure this is safe?"
Naga grinned as she took the controller in her hand. "I'll have you know that this is one of the least dangerous magi-technological devices ever constructed!"
Kagome let out a small sigh of relief.
"Of course, that's by sole virtue of its not possessing a power source large enough to explode," the sorceress clarified, grinning as she watched Kagome's expression once more degenerate into fear.
"Now, you might feel a slight sting..." Naga began to fiddle with the controller.
"So, it won't hurt that much, right?" Kagome asked hopefully.
Naga blinked. "I was talking to the cat. You'll be in excruciating pain for a full twenty seconds." *Beep*
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
The others in the court room watched curiously as Kagome glowed brightly from the magic coursing through her body without a safe conduit to perform its function.
Finally the machine petered out, and Kagome let out a miserable sigh as plumes of smoke came from the little holes in the colander over her cranium.
"And now, the results!" Naga held the controller up in the air triumphantly as it spat out a short slip of paper.
The entire court room held its breath and leaned forward in anticipation.
Except for Luna, who was distracted from the current drama when Zelgadis walked up to her stand and placed a file next to her before whispering into her ear.
Naga tore the paper from the controller and grinned. "Kagome is absolutely, without a doubt..." she read the inscription on the paper, then balled that hand into a fist, which she threw up triumphantly. "PREGNANT WITH NARAKU'S CHILD!!!"
*WHATHUMP!!* There was a massive tremor as the occupants of the room fell to the floor face-first, save for the distracted Luna and Zelgadis, as well as Naga herself.
After a few moments, the sorceress realized that something was wrong with the conclusion she had been given, and frowned as she re-read the results from her test.
Then she turned toward Kagome. "I knew you had weird taste with the whole dog fetish thing, but Naraku? That's like in a league of wrongness all its own."
"YOU WHORE!!" Inu-Yasha yelled, regaining the presence of mind to drown himself in anger. "YOU SAID HE WAS YOUR YOGA INSTRUCTOR!!"
Kagome flushed red, and angrily ripped the colander off her head. "He IS my yoga instructor! As well as my nemesis, and ultimate enemy! This stupid thing is totally wrong! I am NOT, I repeat-AM NOT-pregnant with Naraku's child!"
She finished by throwing the poorly designed and conceived machine roughly onto the floor of the court room.
Then she realized that everyone was still staring at her.
"......... BECAUSE I never slept with him!" She clarified, eye twitching in irritation.
"And as interesting as this topic of discussion is," Luna began, taking everyone's attention away from the frustrated young woman, "I'm afraid this trial is over. Court is adjourned."
Ranma blinked. "Huh? Who won?"
"But you can't!" Naga protested, "I haven't called all my witnesses yet, or given my closing statement!"
"All of that is moot," Luna explained, standing up on her stand. "It would seem that Inu-Yasha's blood work came back with some unfortunate results. He tested positive for rabies. I'm afraid he'll have to be put down as soon as possible."
There were multiple blinks across the room, and Inu-Yasha's eyes bugged out of his head.
"WHAT?!?! RABIES?!?!"
Everybody in the room slowly turned their heads toward the half-demon, who glared back at them.
"I don't have rabies!"
"Gyah!" [Aaaah!] Ranma and Genma immediately leapt back, clutching each other. "Mad dog!!" [Somebody help!]
"What? But- I- No- I don't-" Inu-Yasha began to stutter out a response, only to see that everyon in the room, including Kikyo and Naga, were scrambling to give him as wide a berth as possible.
"Hey! Are you people even listening?! I DON'T have ra-"
"Freeze arrow!" Zelgadis shouted, throwing several lances of ice magic at the distracted half-demon, inadvertently cutting him off.
*Ka-chnk!*
Zelgadis dusted off his hands. "That should hold him until animal control arrives."
Luna nodded, satisfied with the block of Inu-Yasha shaped ice. "Very good. Now let's get out of here; that panda bear with the signs creeps me out."

Ranma patted Kagome on the back sympathetically as Zelgadis carried Luna out the back and the animal control unit carried Inu-Yasha out the front.
"I know it's going to be hard, but... this is for the best. He was spared a far worse fate."
"I... I know," Kagome said, sniffling as she hugged her legs to her chest. "But still... he was my first love..."
"Yes," Kikyo said suddenly, surprising the lawyer and his client as she approached. "He was... mine, as well. And my only love, actually. To have him go like this..."
"What are you talking about?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow, "Didn't you want him to die so that you two could be together in Hell?"
The undead priestess frowned. "Well, yes, but not like THIS. I don't want to spend eternity with a man whose official cause of death was 'put to sleep in a vet's office'. I have a reputation in the netherworld, you know?"
Kagome sniffled again. "He was rude, arrogant, self-centered, thoughtless, brash, totally insensitive, and unreasonably violent... but...... b-but..." then she collapsed into full-on sobs, crying into Ranma's shoulder. "BUT I'M A TAKAHASHI GIRL, DAMN IT, AND I GET OFF ON THAT SORT OF THING! WAAAAAAAAAH!!"
Kikyo nodded sadly. "Truly, life will never be the same, now." Then she looked straight at Ranma. "And what of you? He was your best friend, correct?"
Ranma frowned, and gently lifted Kagome off of himself. "You know, I've actually been holding this in for a while now, and now that it's all over, maybe it's time to just let it out."
Kikyo and a teary-eyed Kagome nodded in understanding.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!" Screaming like a lunatic, Ranma jumped out of his chair and ran wildly for the exit, mowing down everyone in his path.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Inu-Yasha panted heavily as climbed into the small house through the window, using every effort to remain absolutely quiet.
His usual outfit was torn, dirty, and pockmarked with small holes where tranquilizer darts had punctured the material, only to fail in piercing the skin beneath. Inu-Yasha's body wasn't one to be overcome so easily, after all, and the animal control and SWAT team forces had learned that lesson well.
Making his way stealthily through the home he knew almost as well as his own, the half-demon reached the bedroom and prayed Ranma wasn't out at some girl's house; provided that his long-time friend and colleague didn't freak out again at the sight of him, he was Inu-Yasha's only hope for safety.
Steeling himself, Inu-Yasha burst through the door.

"Ranma! Thank God I got to you! Listen, I need... uh..." Inu-Yasha trailed off and sweatdropped.
Ranma stared back at him, eyes wide as dinner plates, as he sat up in his bed. On both sides of him a relatively large lump moved under the covers, obscuring the pigtailed man's bedmates completely.
"Er... is this a bad time?" The half-demon asked, scratching the back of his head. Usually he caught Ranma right before or after the deed; to barge in right in the middle was more than a little embarrassing.
"Yasha! You're alive!" Ranma exclaimed, sitting shock-still.
"Inu-Yasha? He's alive?!" The two lumps sat up, and the comforter slid down off their heads to reveal their identities.
Ranma sweatdropped as Inu-Yasha gaped at Kikyo and Kagome, who were sitting on either side of him. "Oh... uh... this is... kinda awkward..."
"Yo-Y-You..." Inu-Yasha twitched as he took in the scene before him, a vein popping up on his head.
"Whoa! Wait! We thought you were dead!" Kagome tried to explain desperately, pulling the covers up to conceal her naked body.
"IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!" Inu-Yasha roared, his aura building up around him.
"We debated waiting longer," Kikyo said nervously, "and... well... we did. Slightly."
"YOU BASTARD!!" The half-demon growled, stomping forward with his eyes on Ranma. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!! KAGOME, I COULD SORT OF UNDERSTAND; SHE'S HUMAN, AND SHE'LL SLEEP WITH ANYONE!!"
"Hey! I told you! I didn't sleep with Naraku!" Kagome protested hotly. "And as for Kouga, well... uh... I was drunk, all right?!"
Inu-Yasha ignored her. "BUT KIKYO?!?! SHE'S MADE OF DIRT AND BONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"
Ranma's eyes widened, and he turned toward a flushing Kikyo, looking betrayed. "You said they were real!"
"DIE!!" Inu-Yasha snarled.

(The following scene has been edited for the sake of our younger readers, who have already "suffered" quite enough by the few limish accounts already described in this "story". Please enjoy the alternate "child-friendly" ending to this chapter. To that end, please disregard the change from past to present tense)
The scene opens with Genma, in panda form, balancing on a beach ball. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a sign.
[Stay in school.] He flips it over. [Don't do drugs.] He flips it again. [Don't talk to strangers, even the ones with good candy.] Flip. [Even though "inflammable" sounds like it should be the opposite of "flammable", they mean the same thing. Trust me on this. Don't assume "inflammable" things are fireproof.] Flip. [To be continued?]