Ranma Saotome cannot be stopped! Even though I do not own Ranma! EVEN THOUGH I USE LOTS OF CHARACTERS THAT ARE COPYRIGHTED BY OTHER PEOPLE!!
On that note, I have just come to the startling realization that this "series" contains no original main characters. Odd.

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
Case 4
**********************************************************************************

"No... please... I... I can't!" Tears leaked out of Vash's eyes as he shakily aimed his gun at Legato's temple, the man's sterile, piercing gaze taunting the gentle gunman.
The blond man glanced behind him, and more sweat rolled down his forehead as he saw Milly and Merril struggling against the crowd of townspeople under Legato's control. Two of the hapless civilians stumbled forward carrying pitchforks, and moved to stab the trapped women.
"Stop this! Please!"
Vash trembled as his emotions raged through his mind, out of control... behind him, Milly Thompson emitted a particularly high-pitched whimper that struck a final chord in his heart.
And then, finally, he applied a bit of pressure to the trigger under his finger.
*Blam!*

Meanwhile, on a rock outcropping just above the grisly scene, a single man smiled evilly.
"Oh yes... I have you now..."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Mwa ha ha! My bonus came through! Finally! Bless your pitiful vision, Mousse, you probably never even knew what you were signing!" Ranma cackled gleefully and waved an envelope up in the air.
Shampoo, who was sitting atop Ranma's desk, picked up one of the bottles sitting on the tray beside her. "Is heated sake?"
Ranma nodded as he leaned back in his leather chair. "Yup. I was going to go for champagne. But the eva statue made of precious metals just seemed gaudy enough, you know?"
Shampoo stared at the bottle, then smirked at him. "If hot liquid, mean I no change to cat."
Ranma stared back at her. "......... I don't follow."
His secretary giggled adorably, then dumped one of the bottles over her chest, causing her white cotton work shirt to cling to her torso and become much easier to see through.
"Ah. I see." Ranma scratched his head thoughtfully. "And while I'm highly aroused, I feel the need to point out that you just wasted a whole bottle of relatively expensive alcohol."
Still smiling seductively, Shampoo leaned backward over Ranma's desk while tugging on the collar of her shirt. "If Ranma want, Ranma come get!"
The pigtailed attorney grinned. "Well now, I like where this is going!"

*SMASH!!*
A vein popped up on Ranma's head as his hand froze just inches away from Shampoo's luscious body. "Doesn't ANYONE around here know how to knock?!" He turned away from the clerical Amazon and glared at Inu-Yasha.
The half-demon snorted as he lifted the Tetsusaiga out of the shattered mess that it had made out of Ranma's office door. "Well, I would have had your secretary announce me, but she wasn't......" he trailed off as his brain finally finished processing the scene before him. "... Oh. So that's why..."
Ranma's left eyebrow twitched as he slumped back into his chair, away from the curvaceous and annoyed woman on his desk. "What do you want, anyway?"
Inu-Yasha sheathed his oversized blade and strode forward toward the pigtailed lawyer. "Ranma... I need a favor."
Ranma twitched again. "Then you should have put some thought into it before you smashed down my door like that."
Inu-Yasha nodded begrudgingly. "Yes, in hindsight, that would have helped my case." Then he walked up and slammed his hands down onto Ranma's desk. "Howe-"
*Crash!* "Aiyah!" *Thud!*
Ranma and Inu-Yasha sweatdropped as the whole desk buckled under the half-demon's strength, spilling both Ranma's sake and his secretary onto the floor in the midst of a mess of splinters.
"Uh... okay... I'll tell you what. I'll buy you a new desk, okay?"
"Of COURSE you're going to buy me a new desk, numbskull!" Ranma seethed.
"AND you buy Shampoo new dress, too!" The Amazon said angrily, standing up shakily as sake dripped from her clothes.
"Pfft. Why don't I just buy you a can of spraypaint instead? It's more tasteful than most of your wardrobe anyway." Inu-Yasha said, rolling his eyes.
Ranma massaged his forehead as his secretary prepared to attack his colleague. "Yo! Yasha!! What do you WANT?!"
Inu-Yasha blinked, then smacked a fist into his palm. "Oh yeah! I want you to take over a criminal case for me!"
[Oh? What kind of case?]
"WAH!! Pops?!" Ranma jerked back as a panda head and accompanying sign popped out from behind his Eva statue.
Inu-Yasha ignored Ranma in favor of the cursed animal. "Oh, nothing special. Just a murder trial, that's all. You know, typical criminal case..."
Genma raised a furry eyebrow. [Then why do you want Ranma to do it for you? Seems like easy money.]
The half demon began to sweat slightly. "Oh, well, it is, it's just that, uh, I'm, uhm, really busy right now, so..."
Genma's eyes narrowed, and he pulled out another sign. [Yeah, right. Give us the truth!]
"You can't HANDLE the truth!" Inu-Yasha shouted, pointing at the cursed panda.
Genma pulled out another sign to continue the sad and pointless continuation of derivative comedy, but had it swiftly snatched out of his paw.
Ranma held the sign up high, gritting his teeth. "Pop, what the HELL were you doing hiding in my office?!"
Genma blinked, then rolled over onto his back and rocked back and forth. [I'm just a cute little panda!] *Flip* [Who certainly wasn't watching you make out with your secretary!]
An aura blossomed around Ranma's form. "You old sicko! Your own son!"
[Wait! It wasn't like that! I'm just trying to pick up some tips, really!] *Wham!* [OW!!]
"You're MARRIED, you old bastard!! You don't need to 'pick up tips'!!" *Thwack!* *Pow!*

Shampoo and Inu-Yasha sweatdropped as they watched the beating in morbid fascination.
"Well, this is wrong in all sorts of ways," Inu-Yasha muttered, unable to tear his eyes away from the violence.
Shampoo sighed and nodded. "At least Moroboshi boy not manage plant video camera in office like last time." That had been both a humiliating incident and a horribly complicated workman's comp issue.
'Or maybe he just got better at hiding it,' Inu-Yasha thought to himself, glancing at a well-concealed lens that didn't quite escape his superior vision. "Whatever. You should probably go wash up; you're starting to smell like Friday night happy hour."
Giving the dog-man a final, searing glare, Shampoo stomped out of the office in a huff, leaving Inu-Yasha watching the Saotome wrestling match himself.
"So *Thwack!* what is *Crack!* this case *Wham!* all about *Thud!* anyway?"
Sweatdropping, Inu-Yasha scratched his head as he recalled the details. "Urm... let's see... this guy named Vash the Stampede shot this other guy in the head... multiple witnesses... good character witnesses though, say the guy's half hero, half sissy pacifist... uh, and the actual story is that this guy Vash was forced to shoot the guy, otherwise two women would have been killed."
"Okay!" *Whump!* Ranma grunted as he lifted the bulky panda over his head, and then turned toward the window. "Have a nice flight Pops!" *Crash!*
Another sweatdrop rolled down Inu-Yasha's head as he looked at the cracked plaster outlining Genma's cursed form. "Uh... you missed."
"Yeah, well, I'm kinda tired," Ranma muttered, sitting back down wearily. "So what's up with this case? Doesn't sound that bad at all to me. You up against a tough prosecutor?"
The half-demon shrugged. "Got me. I don't know who the opposing guy is."
Ranma scratched his head. "Then what's the deal? Why do you want me to handle it?"
"Eh heh heh..." Inu-Yasha chuckled nervously. "I, uh, well... there's just a... certain situation with the client that's... well... it seems to be the kind of thing you deal with much better than I do."
Ranma frowned at him.
Getting impatient, Inu-Yasha grit his teeth and crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, why don't you just get your little Magic 8 Ball and ask that? We all know that's how you make all your important decisions anyway!"
Ranma nodded reluctantly. "Yes, that's true. Okay then."
Reaching under his desk, Ranma brought out the small plastic sphere, then shook it in the air as he closed his eyes in concentration. "Oh, great Magic 8 Ball of the KB Toys 50% off liquidation sale! Tell me, oh oracle, should I take the case that is being offered to me?"
The pigtailed lawyer looked down at the small viewing window as blue bubbles swarmed all around.
[Just shut up and say yes, you nitwit.]
Ranma blinked. "Uh... okay... I guess that means yes."
He became slightly worried as Inu-Yasha suddenly collapsed onto his knees, his hands clasped together.
"Oh, thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!"
Ranma sweatdropped. "Er... you're welcome."
Inu-Yasha bolted upright and strode out of the office happily. "You wait right here! I'll have your new client in here in a few minutes!"
Ranma frowned as his colleague left the room. "You know, I'm starting to get sort of a bad feeling about this."
[Well it's about time!] Genma signed, pulling himself out of the plaster. [You've just been had, fool!]
The pigtailed attorney snorted. "What do you mean? We checked it out on the ball!" He picked the item up and held it in front of him. "The Magic 8 Ball oracle is... hm?" Ranma stopped talking as he noted a small inscription under the viewing window on the novelty item. "Wait! This is a Magic HATE Ball!"
[WHAT?!?!] Genma signed, looking panicked. [Dammit! We used the wrong plot device!]
The window on the ball bubbled slightly before a message appeared. [Way to piece it together, DICK!]
"This... is not going to go well..." Ranma mumbled.
"It had BETTER go well!"
"GYAH!!" Ranma jerked back in surprise as Mousse jumped out from behind his Eva statue. "What the hell?! You were watching us too?!"
Mousse blinked. "Watching you? Watching you do what?"
Ranma frowned. "Oh. Right. The blind thing." Then he crossed his arms over his chest. "So what were you doing back there?"
"Waiting for the best time to jump out and yell at you."
[He's ALWAYS back there.] Genma signed, rolling his eyes.
Mousse chuckled evilly. "This case was going to determine whether or not Inu-Yasha gets his bonus. But since he opted out, it's your problem now!" Grinning, the executive pointed dramatically at the Eva statue he had just been hiding behind. "Ranma Saotome, win this next case for our law firm, or you're fired!"
Ranma blinked. "Fired? For what?! I do just as good a job as anyone else in this lousy firm! You can't fire me for losing one stupid case!"
"True, I suppose," Mousse admitted. "Luckily, I've been doing a little spywork around your office..."
Ranma swallowed. 'Oh, hell...'
Mousse grinned and stalked closer to the statue, pointing at its nose. "And while I respect your right to privacy-Ha! As if-I will NOT tolerate sleeping on the job!"
Ranma bigsweated. "Now wait a minute! That was... that... was..." he trailed off. "That... was... not me. I don't sleep on the job." He glanced toward the panda near the wall. "Pops does though. You're probably thinking about him."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Mousse said, addressing a potted plant. "I can't tell the two of you apart from three feet away anyway, so it's my call. Win the case or find a new job! Mwa ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
Laughing gleefully, Mousse walked toward the exit, and then turned to walk back behind Ranma's Eva statue.
Ranma sweatdropped. "Don't you have anything better to do?"
Mousse's head popped out to the side of the statue. "No, not really. Doing this is my only objective for this quarter other than completing your performance review."
"I see," Ranma muttered. "Go back to the spying thing."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"And that's the whole story," Vash mumbled, twiddling his fingers as he stared down at the floor sadly.
Ranma nodded. "I see. So you were forced to kill this sap in order to save innocent lives." Slowly, Ranma smirked. "Vash, my friend, you're not a murderer! You're a HERO!!"
The blond gunman snorted. "A 'hero'? Right. A hero would have found some other way."
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said dismissively. "My point is, this is NOT YOUR FAULT! You are a warrior for justice and truth, and so long as there's decency and common sense in this world, there's no way you'll be convicted for this!"
Vash flinched. "Maybe... Maybe I SHOULD be."
Ranma smiled brightly. "That's the spirit!" Then the gunman's words registered. "Wait, what?"
The blond man looked close to tears as he clenched his hands into fists. "What... What am I doing here? Turning to lawyers to try and escape my proper punishment... how low can I go?!"
Ranma blinked. 'Uh oh...' "Whoa, hold on there! I just told you it wasn't your fault!"
"Oh, and that makes it true?!" Vash yelled, tears now flowing freely. "I aimed the gun! I pulled the trigger!"
"You were forced to do it!" Ranma shouted desperately. "You saved innocent lives!"
"And that makes it okay?" Vash challenged.
"YES, GODDAMMIT!!"
"No, it's not!" Vash cried, clutching his head. "I'm through wallowing in self-pity and irresponsibility! Change my plea from innocent to guilty!"
"Gah! No!" Ranma stood up and grabbed the blond man by the front of his red trench coat. "Snap out of it, fool!" *Smack!*
Vash stopped blubbering, and hung mostly limp as Ranma held him up by his coat.
"Okay... calm down..." Ranma said gently, trying to control his own excitement at having his client turn on him. "Now. We're going to court tomorrow. We are going to lay out the evidence, explain the facts, and after that, a panel of thirteen dimwits who couldn't manage to get out of jury duty are going to decide, once and for all, whether you're in the wrong or not. Okay?"
Vash sniffled slightly. "Okay..." He mumbled quietly.
Ranma let out a deep breath, and slowly let go of his client.
The blond gunman looked down in embarrassment for a moment, then looked up again. "But what abou-"
"Nah ah ah!!" Ranma shouted, quickly shoving Vash out the door. "Court! Tomorrow! Justice! Out!" *Shove!* *Slam!*

The pigtailed attorney let out another long breath after his client was out the door. "No wonder dog-boy didn't want to bet his bonus on that dork. Guy has serious conscience issues." Then he scowled. "And now my job is on the line! That little fleabag is going to pay for this!"
"Ah-HA!!"
Ranma jumped in surprise as Mousse's voice came from behind him.
"Sleeping on the job again, eh Ranma? Well, you can be sure that if I ever get around to your performance review, I'll be remembering THIS little incident!"
Ranma sweatdropped as the bulk of sleeping panda that Mousse was addressing simply raised a sign into the air with several "Z"s on it.
"I wonder if our competitors are hiring this quarter..."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Vash! Buddy! You made it!"
Ranma greeted his client as the gunman stumbled into the court room, looking like death warmed over. There were bags under his eyes, he was slumped over as he walked, and his hair, which usually stood straight up, was even less neat, with needle-like blond strands sticking out every which way.
Ranma frowned. "Didn't I tell you to dress a little more formally? Defendants really shouldn't come to their trials wearing trench coats the color of fresh blood." Then he looked down at the man's belt, and a vein popped up on his head. "And for the love of Takahashi, give me that gun!"
"But-But it's my gun!" Vash protested as Ranma snatched the weapon away.
"It's evidence, you numbskull!" Ranma irritably put the firearm on the desk in front of him as people began filing into the courtroom.
"So... about what you were saying before, about this whole thing not being my fault..." Vash began slowly.
"Don't start," Ranma interrupted, shuffling through some papers on his desk in preparation for the case. "Let's see now. The judge is-"
"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! Me! I'm the judge!"
Ranma blinked, then slowly raised his head up toward the judge's stand to see Gourry Gabriev waving a hand in the air gleefully.
Below the swordsman, Zelgadis staggered forward in surprise. "Damn it! Gourry, you're supposed to wait back there until you're announced!"
"But it's boring back there!" Gourry complained, tugging on his black robe. Then he turned back toward Ranma. "Hi Ranma! Good luck with the trial! I hope you win!"
Zelgadis grimaced. "If my head weren't made of stone, I'm sure it would be aching right now..."

Shrugging his shoulders, Ranma leaned back in his chair. "Okay then. Judge is here, so that means the only person who still needs to show up is..."
He turned toward the entrance slowly, his anticipation building.
*Bam!* [Sorry I'm late!] A large panda bear wearing a black business tie barged through the double-door entrance to the courtroom, holding an apologetic sign in front of him.
A vein popped up on Ranma's head. "I wasn't talking about you, you useless lump of fur!" Scowling, he slumped back into his chair. "So the prosecuting attorney never interviewed you? Never sought you out at all?" He asked Vash skeptically.
The blond man shook his head. "Nope. I was never asked any questions by anyone except Inu-Yasha, and then you."
Suddenly, Genma leaned in and shoved a sign in the way. [I've heard a few things...]
"Really? You heard who the prosecutor is?" Ranma asked, surprised.
[I heard that...]
Ranma, Vash, and even Gourry, who forgot that he knew who the prosecutor was, leaned forward as Genma flipped the sign around.
[It's a secret!]
The three men sweatdropped.
Ranma leaned back again and rolled his eyes. "Oh. So it's him."
Vash blinked. "Him? Him who? You know who he is?"
"Oh. Right. I forgot." Gourry murmured. Then he shrugged. "Well, this should be interesting, at least."
"What? Why? What's going on?!" Vash cried, terribly confused.
*Shoom!* The gunman jumped as a heavy noise came from above, followed by all the court room lights failing.
"What?! What's happening now?!"
"Hey, would you chill out?" Ranma chastised. "Just wait."
*Voosh!* Within moments after Ranma finished speaking, a thick column of light appeared over the jury box, engulfing one of the men completely before he even knew what was happening.
*Shang!* All at once the column broke apart into hundreds of disintegrating light fragments, leaving behind a single robed figure in the space where the hapless juror had been.
The figure looked up, and his gleeful smile, which seemed to be a permanent feature of his face, grew ever so slightly. After brushing back his short, purple hair, Xellos grabbed the collar of his robe and tore the garment off, revealing a regular black business suit, and leaving only his gem-ornamented mage staff to ruin the otherwise very professional ensemble.
Vash looked worriedly around the courtroom as Xellos left the juror stands. "Uh... where's that other guy?"
Ranma blinked. "What other guy?"
"The juror!" Vash said impatiently. "What happened to the guy under the light?"
Ranma just rolled his eyes. "Let it go, you big baby."

Gourry waited for Xellos to take his bench. "You're late."
"And you're early," the demon mage countered, still smiling.
"Damn, he's right!" Gourry murmured. "Okay then, go ahead and give the opening thingies. You first, Xellos."
"As you wish, your honor." Xellos said, summoning a briefcase from nowhere. Then he began to hum to himself as he opened it and pulled out, of all things, a black top hat, seemingly unconscious of the curious stares of the entire room.
Then he walked out in front of the judge's bench, before turning to face the jury box, still holding the hat upside-down in one hand.
Then he plunged his hand inside the hat. "Look! A bunny!"
The entire courtroom sweatdropped as Xellos' hand lifted from within the hat clutching an adult rabbit around the ears. Well, the entire courtroom except for the jurors and Gourry, who began to clap excitedly.
"What... What is this?" Vash asked, slack-jawed.
"This... is fairly normal for this court district," Ranma said neutrally, drumming his fingers on the desk.
All of a sudden, the rabbit in Xellos' hand began to twitch mightily, and its eyes turned from black to blood red.
"GREEEEEEEAAAAAH!!" Without further warning, the vorpal bunny flung itself from the demon mage's grip, and dove into the jury box, immediately attaching itself to one man's neck.
"AAAAAH!!! IT'S GOT ME!! IT'S-Grk! Gack!"
Vash's eyes widened in horror. "Oh my God!! It... It just killed that man!!"
"It sure did," Ranma mumbled. Then he stood up. "Objection, your honor! If the prosecution continues this manner of conduct, it is only a matter of time before a detailed description of the carnage is required to maintain whatever integrity this scene could possibly salvage, possibly threatening this series' PG-13 ff.net rating!"
Gourry blinked, then shrugged. "Okay, sure. I'll buy that." Then he pointed at Xellos. "Stop the evil bunny, all right?"
Xellos nodded again, still smiling. "Of course, your honor." Then he raised one hand and snapped his fingers.
*BLAMMO!!!* The killer rabbit detonated violently at the command, and the juror directly behind the recently decapitated man let out a strangled scream before he was swept up in the heat of the otherwordly explosion and incinerated.
"AAAAH!! There goes another one!" Vash cried, pointing to the jury box.
Ranma whistled. "Wow. I haven't even given my opening statement yet, and we're already down to ten jurors. This HAS to be some kind of record."
"Speaking of which," Gourry began, turning toward Ranma, "Xellos gave his opening statement. Are you ready to give yours?"
"Just a sec." Ranma ducked under his desk for a moment, and Vash watched curiously as the attorney pulled out a large burlap bag.
"Um... what are you doing?"
"Fighting fire with fire," Ranma answered, smirking. "Part of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Legal Combat is adapting to your enemy's techniques and using them against him!"
Vash thought about this for a moment, then quickly stopped as his head started throbbing.
Ranma dragged the bag out with him to the center of the court room, and then cleared his throat.
"Hey! Look what I can do!" Then he reached into the bag and pulled out eight wooden batons, immediately throwing them into the air.
*Crash!* "What the hell is this?!" Vash exclaimed, facefaulting at the sight of Ranma juggling. The rest of the court wasn't nearly so harsh, and there was scattered applause for the display of dexterity.
"Your honor," Ranma began, still looking up in the air as he juggled the batons, "I stand before you today to plead on behalf of Vash the... er... well, Vash. A man who has suffered much. A man with an unfortunate history and reputation not befitting of his gentle demeanor and complete sissiness. And besides all that, I can juggle ten batons at once!" Using his feet, the pigtailed lawyer flipped two more of the items into the air, seamlessly integrating them into the arch of flying wood.
Gourry nodded. "Yes... I think I see where you're coming from..." In the jury box, the assorted men and women nodded approvingly.
"You see, the greater problem here isn't that my client ALLEGEDLY shot a man in the head, it's that unfortunate circumstances have plagued him throughout his life, forcing him to do unpopular things, like inadvertently lead groups of raiders into town, destroy a city or two, and blow a big-ass hole in the moon. This supposed 'murder' is yet another unfortunate scenario where my client did everything in his power to preserve as many lives as possible, and DID SO, at the mere cost of one measly jerk who nobody really cares about. Not only that, but I can juggle these batons while they're ON FIRE!!"
Momentarily grabbing the items out of the air, five in each hand, Ranma activated a switch on each base, causing the baton heads to ignite instantaneously.

Xellos raised an eyebrow as the entire court room erupted into cheers and applause, and then he grinned.
'Well now. At last, a worthy challenge. This should be quite amusing...'
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Now Mister Wolfwood," Ranma began, pacing back and forth in front of the witness stand, "describe my client's personality, in your own words, if you could."
The thin, scruffy-looking priest scratched his head for a moment, and then adjusted the huge metal cross over his shoulder before speaking again. "Well... the thing about Vash is... he's a pacifist. And not one of those 'people may kill each other, but just leave me out of it' pacifists either. The guy'll jump into any fight he sees to try and keep anyone from being killed. Hell, the dork wouldn't even let me kill these giant worms that were attacking us."
Ranma nodded. "I see. Do you believe there are any circumstances under which he might kill someone?"
Wolfwood frowned. "Well... I dunno..." Still musing over the question, the priest hit a button on the side of his cross, opening a compartment holding a Styrofoam cup. After a moment, steaming hot coffee began to pour into it.
"I don't really know him well enough to say." Wolfwood finally admitted, removing the cup of coffee from his weapon and taking a sip. "If there is something bad enough to make him kill someone, I sure don't know what it is."
Ranma nodded again. "Very well. My client has a... reputation for being a heinous and merciless killer. Would you say that this reputation is inappropriate?"
Wolfwood grinned. "Yeah, I'd have to-"
"Objection, your honor!" Xellos shouted, standing up as he cut off Wolfwood's answer.
Gourry blinked. "On what grounds?"
"I must ask that the court and jury disregard all testimony made by the witness, on account that the witness is dead." Xellos grinned.
Wolfwood twitched. "Aw, hell..." *Poof!*
Then he disappeared, leaving his multi-purpose cross to fall heavily onto the floor behind the witness stand.
As Ranma cursed, Xellos turned and pointed toward the jury box, jabbing a finger toward one of the jurors at random. "Also, you're dead too."
The woman blinked. "I am?" *Poof!*

Vash gaped and pointed a shaking hand at the persecuting attorney. "There! He did it again!! He keeps killing those people!"
Next to him, Genma turned his head away before raising a sign. [I didn't see anything. Must be your imagination.]

"Mr. Saotome, do you have anything else?" Gourry asked, looking bored as he played with his gavel.
Ranma nodded. "Yes, your honor. I'd like to call Vash the Sta... er... Vash to the stand!"

Zelgadis placed the bible on the front of the witness stand as Vash took his position inside.
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, one nation indivisible, under God, to have and to hold, till death do us part?"
Vash blinked. "What? What was-"
"Would you just say yes? We all know you're going to lie anyway," Gourry said impatiently.
"Er, um, then, uh, I do...?" Vash guessed, sweating heavily.
Zelgadis promptly turned away, and Ranma approached the witness stand.
"All right, Mr. Vash. Describe for the court the events that led up to the death of Mr. Legato," Ranma requested somberly, bowing his head.
Vash sighed miserably, then spoke. "Well, after I pulled the trigger, the hammer was released, striking the firing pin, which stuck the ignition cell of the bullet, causing the gunpowder to drive the bullet-"
Ranma quickly reached over the stand to cover Vash's mouth with his hand. "That is NOT what I meant!" He grit his teeth, trying to calm himself. "Tell the court about the events the preceded the firing of any weapons that may or may not have been directly related to the ceasation of living by Mr. Legato."
Vash trembled slightly, growing angry. "There you go again with that legalese double-talk! I fired the gun! The gun launched the bullet! The bullet killed that man!"
Ranma bristled. "That kind of statement is NOT in the best interests of your defense!"
"I did it! I killed him!" Vash cried, standing up suddenly. "Any attempt to prove my innocence is a farce! I'm a murderer! I-" *Thud!*
Vash's confessional rant was cut short as Ranma tackled him in a panic, slamming the both of them to the floor behind the witness booth where the combat-intensive attorney made quick work of subduing his client.
Gourry sweatdropped. "Is something the matter, Saotome?"
Ranma finished tying the gag around Vash's mouth, and then wiped the sweat from his forehead, breathing heavily. "Your honor, I ask that the court disregard my clients statements just now, as he is currently in a state of... uh... delusional paranoia. Or something."
Gourry blinked, then nodded slowly. "I see... so, are you changing the plea to insanity now?"
Ranma sighed in frustration and shook his head. "No, no, he's not crazy, he's just stupid."
"Ah. Okay then." Gourry turned toward Xellos. "Do you have anything you want to say?"
Xellos stood up. "Yes, I do. Flare arrow!" Orange mana coalesced into the palm of his hand, and a moment later, a lance of fire blasted toward the jury box, striking and disintegrating one of the men.
Gourry frowned. "I meant, like, about the case. Do you want to cross-examine the defendant?"
"Oh. No thank you. However..." Xellos stood up and began rifling around in his pockets. "Now seems like as good a time as any to actually present my case."
"Damn!" Ranma cursed, "I guess this isn't going to be as easy as I thought."

Xellos whistled to himself as he strolled up to a television display in the corner of the court room, and then pulled out a video tape from his pocket. "This is the end of Trigun episode 24. Observe."
*Click!* *Whrrrrr...*
*No! Please... I... I can't!*

Ranma held his hands over his face as the video played over the incident in question.
'Okay... I can recover from this. I can get through this. Things are gonna be okay.'
"Growf!" Genma rummaged behind him for a moment, then pulled out a length of rope that was tied into a noose.
Ranma grit his teeth. "You are NOT helping, Pop!" He growled, shoving the cursed beast away from him. "And besides... I don't like this job THAT much."
[That's good then. You won't miss this one too much.] Genma sighed, grinning best he could as a panda bear.
Ranma twitched. "And why are you giving me such a hard time about this anyway? You're not helping."
[Mousse promised me your office. And your statue.] Genma replied, honestly. Ranma groaned.
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Please state your name for the record," Ranma stated mechanically, lightly massaging his head.
"I'm Milly Thompson of the Bernadelli Insurance Company!" The tall brunette said brightly.
Ranma nodded. "All right Miss Thompson. Please tell us-"
Ranma's question was interrupted as Xellos shot up. "OBJECTION!!"
The pigtailed lawyer immediately whirled around. "Oh, no you don't! This one's alive! I checked!"
Gourry cocked his head to one side. "So, what IS your objection?"
Xellos thought about it for a moment, then sat down. "Never mind. Please, continue."
Ranma frowned, then shrugged and turned back to Milly. "Now, Miss Thompson, please describe Mr. Vash best you can. In the sense of his personality."
Milly blinked, then nodded. "Oh, yes! Mr. Vash is a really nice person, and hates it when people get hurt or put in danger! Sometimes he acts scary, but-"
"Objection!" Xellos shouted, jumping up again.
Everyone turned toward him, surprised.
"......... On second thought, I have no objections. Sorry."
Ranma twitched, then turned back toward Milly. "Now, Miss Thompson, you were saying?"
Milly blinked. "I was saying? Saying what?"
Ranma sighed. "You were saying how my client is a very-"
"Objection!" Xellos shouted.
"CUT IT OUT YOU TWIT!!" Ranma yelled, whirling on his opponent.
Xellos cleared his throat, then stood up. "As Mr. Saotome did not know the defendant prior to this trial being conducted, I cannot allow him to include his own testimony."
"B-B-But I w-was just repeating what she said!" Ranma stuttered, pointing toward Milly.
"Ah, I see," Xellos murmured, rubbing his chin. "Objection, your honor. Hearsay."
*Thud!* Ranma fell face first onto the ground. "N-Nothing further..."
Gourry shrugged. "You want to cross-examine, Xellos?"
The demonic mage nodded, then walked up to the witness stand, his hands clasped behind his back.
"Now, Miss Milly Thompson... were you present during the death of Legato?"
Milly gulped. "Uh, yes. You see, I was-"
"And you saw who killed Legato?" Xellos asked, cutting her off.
"Well, yes, but-"
"Very good!" Xellos exclaimed. "Now, if the defendant is innocent, then please point to the man who killed Legato during the conflict in question!"
"Wh-What?" Milly began to sweat, and trembled slightly as she tried to figure out what to do. "I mean... I... Mr. Vash was... he was just..."
"You're not pointing," Xellos remarked. "So the defendant is not innocent?"
"Ack! That's him!" Milly almost jumped as she jabbed a finger at Vash, who hung his head.
Xellos nodded, grinning. "So he's the one who shot Legato in the head, as shown in exhibit Y, the videotape viewed earlier?"
"Er, yes... but he's innocent!" Milly insisted.
Xellos raised an eyebrow. "So he didn't kill Legato?"
Milly began to sweat again as she scratched her head in confusion. "Well, no, he did kill that man, but-"
"Well, then I think it's a bit presumptuous to call him innocent, hmm?" The demonic mage shrugged.
"B-But you said-"
Unfortunately, Milly was again interrupted, this time by all the lights in the court room spontaneously failing.
"Hey! What the hell?!"
"What's going on?!"
"I can't see!"
[Hey! That mage guy took out the lights!]
"Pops, you idiot! We can't read your signs in the dark!"
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!"
*Click!*
Everybody froze as the room's lighting was restored and then looked about to ensure things were in order. Well, except for Xellos, who was twiddling his thumbs while whistling innocently to himself, and Gourry, who had apparently fallen asleep while the lights were out.
Vash twitched. "Another juror is gone..."
Xellos stood up and cleared his throat loudly. "Your honor?"
"*Snrk!* Huh? Wha? What is it?" Gourry asked groggily.
Xellos grinned. "The prosecution rests."
"Then so does the judge," Gourry mumbled. "We'll finish this tomorrow." *Thud!* "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
__________________________________________________________________________________

"Damn it all!" Ranma cursed, rewinding the tape yet again. "There must be something else here! Something that we can use!"
Inu-Yasha sighed as the video began playing again. "Look, face facts: he DID shoot the guy. All you need to do is prove it was completely justified."
Ranma grit his teeth. "It's not that easy! Especially when the freaking client himself keeps taking these stupid guilt trips in the middle of questioning! Not to mention that Xellos dip keeps rendering all my other witness testimonies ineffective!"
The half-demon lawyer nodded sagely. "True. He's a formidable adversary. So then, that leaves just one question..." Inu-Yasha looked up, his expression somewhat bitter. "What am I doing here? I tee off against Integra Hellsing early tomorrow, you know! I don't have time to stay up all night researching with you!"
Ranma glared at his colleague. "You're HERE because you conned me into taking this case in the first place, you jerk! Now my job is on the line! I'm not going to let you get off easy!"
"Come on, man!" Inu-Yasha whined, "It's INTEGRA!"
"Stop complaining," Ranma grumbled as he started to rewind the tape again. "Besides, you'll never get past second base with her, anyway. Nobody does."
Inu-Yasha blinked. "......... Seriously?"
"Seriously," Ranma confirmed, again playing the tape, "and even then, she smokes so much that kissing her is like eating an ashtray."
As his semi-demonic friend began to sulk, Ranma leaned in closer to the television. "Okay, well I found something odd on this tape, but I don't really think it has anything to do with the murder."
As Inu-Yasha leaned in, Ranma paused the tape and pointed to a spot in the scene. "See right there, on that ledge? You can just barely make out some kind of dark blur."
Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "What is that thing?"
Ranma shrugged. "I'm not sure. I guess I could play it on a high-definition TV and then zoom in using the media computer, but I don't see the point of going through the trouble when it doesn't really have anything to do with the murder."
Then the pigtailed lawyer threw an irritated glance across the media room to where his father was sitting in front of a different television. "Of course, I might actually FIND something if certain people actually helped rather than sitting around on their ass watching TV!"
Genma raised a sign. [Shhhh! This is pretty good stuff!]
Ranma twitched. "Pop, you're human now. You don't have to use signs."
Genma ignored him, instead concentrating on the television. Next to him, Wolfwood's cross laid flat on the floor, a small red light on the front blinking periodically.
*Ding!* A bell rang out from the religious-looking weapon, and Genma opened a hatch near the top before removing a bag of microwave popcorn.
Ranma twitched. "You took that priest's cross?"
[Not like he needs it anymore. Now shut up, it's starting!]
*The Magruder film has been studied for years by experts all over the country, its many unusual properties and curious implications speculated upon over and over. Who DID assassinate President John F. Kennedy?*
Ranma shook his head as he walked up behind Genma. "Why're you digging around in the archives, anyway? This is all vaguely legal recordings and commentaries."
Genma shrugged and raised another sign. [Hey, some of this is actually really interesting.]
"Would you stop using signs?! You can talk!"
The video continued. *However, recent analysis has discovered a unique presence that has so far gone unnoticed. And though its relevance, if any, is questionable, it's yet another lead for paranoid conspiracy theorists to whine about until it eventually reaches its final state of non-importance as yet another quickly forgotten episode of "Unsolved Mysteries".*
The picture on the television suddenly crystalized, and then zoomed in on a single figure off to the side.
Ranma blinked, then grabbed Inu-Yasha by the sleeve and yanked him over. "Hey Yasha! Take a look at this! Is that who I think it is?"
Inu-Yasha's eyes widened. "Whoa, it totally is!"
Then something else clicked in Ranma's head. "Wait a minute... in the video of the murder... that thing we saw up on the ledge..."
"Whoa! Do you think that could be..." Inu-Yasha trailed off, and he and Ranma descended into deep thought.
Finally Ranma looked up, and then turned off the television.
[Hey! I was watching that!] Genma complained via sign.
"Just shut up Pops! We have a situation!" Ranma frowned deeply. Then he gave a decisive nod. "Get every video you can find that portrays a death. I've got a hunch."
__________________________________________________________________________________

Gourry yawned as Ranma and Xellos took their respective positions, and then slammed his hammer down a few times onto the desk. "This court is now in session... I guess. So... now what?"
Vash looked at the jury box anxiously. "There are only two of them left! This is insane!"
Xellos grinned and chuckled slightly. "Yes, well, those two..." Then he stopped, and frowned. "Wait. Only two?" Standing up, he took a long survey of the jury box, and then grimaced.
"Uh, pardon me your honor, I have... business to attend to before we proceed any further." With that, Xellos quickly teleported away, ignorant and oblivious to Vash's stuttered protests.
Ranma stood up. "Your honor, I have a final testimony to collect before I conclude my defense."
Gourry blinked. "Uh... okay. Go for it."
"Er... well, we sort of need to have the opposing counsel present."
The blond judge waved it off. "Nah, go ahead. He probably won't even bother to counter it, anyway."
Ranma sweatdropped slightly. "Uh, no, I REALLY need to have the opposing counsel here."
As Gourry shrugged, a beam of light appeared behind Xellos' desk, and the demonic mage reappeared. "Sorry about that," he murmured, taking off one of his gloves that was stained with blood. "What'd I miss?"
Ranma nodded. "I'd like to call Xellos Metallium to the stand!"
The entire court room did a double-take.
"You... You want to call the prosecuting attorney?" Vash asked, twitching. "Are you even taking this seriously any more?"
Ranma snorted. "More seriously than you ever took it, I assure you."
Gourry looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay. Go ahead."
Xellos gave his opponent a curious look, but took his seat at the witness stand and let himself be sworn in.

Ranma approached the demonic mage slowly, a slight smile on his face. "Mr. Metallium, tell me... where were YOU when the murder of Mr. Legato occurred?"
Xellos raised an eyebrow. "Well now... I don't really recall."
Ranma smirked more deeply. "Oh. Well, in that case, let me refresh your memory." The pigtailed attorney snapped his fingers, and after a moment, a disgruntled-looking Genma pushed a large high-definition television through the double-doors leading to the court room.
Ranma held up a video tape. "I hold in my hand a number of compiled film clips. What I've found is very interesting."
Placing the video into the VCR, Ranma pulled out a remote control and pressed "Play". Immediately, the image of Vash holding a gun to Legato's head appeared.
*Blam!* *Thud!* Ranma immediately paused the tape as Legato's image slumped to the ground.
"Now please note that there is another presence in this picture, in this rock outcropping... here." Ranma started up the tape again, and the camera zoomed in on the figure.
Gourry blinked. "Hey! It's Xellos!"
Ranma turned toward the demonic mage, who had a few droplets of sweat gathered on his brow. "Care to explain?"
Xellos took a moment to collect himself, and his image reverted to its normally insanely and relentlessly cheerful state. "Explain what? I was there. I forgot that I was there. That's all. I had no actual CONNECTION with what was going on."
Ranma nodded slowly. "That so? Are you often present when people die?"
Xellos grinned. "Well, before I went to law school, it was a pretty big part of my job, really."
"No, no, no," Ranma shook his head, "I don't mean in your magic fantasy world with dragons and a very poorly designed hierarchy of demons and gods that keep trying to blow up the planet before getting defeated by magic teenagers. I mean the REAL world." Then he grinned. "Let me show you what I mean."
Ranma pressed the "Play" button again. "This is the Magruder film. This frame is just a few seconds after the shot struck President Kennedy." Then he pointed to a very distinctive purple-haired figure that stood just a little ways from the general crowd. "And there YOU are!"
Xellos sweatdropped. "Well... a lot of people were there. I happened to be in town, and the president was stopping by, so I thought I'd take a look!"
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Of course. The next clip is from the video taken during the explosion of the Hindenburg blimp. Here you are off in the distance, grinning at the whole thing."
Xellos winced as the court room gasped. "Oh, come on!"
"This next clip is from one of the recordings taken during the bombing of pearl harbor! Here you are out on one of the docks as bombs are flying everywhere!"
"I was on vacation! Honest!" Xellos shouted desperately.
"Here we can see you looking through a window inside a tower as planes fly into the World Trade Center!"
"Urk!"
"Here's a picture of the collected evidence during the O.J. Simpson trial, including a piece never presented during the proceedings: a wooden staff which has a red sphere clasped at the head!"
"Oy..."
"Here you are when the Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated, an incident that sparked World War One!"
"Wait a minute!" Zelgadis said abruptly, "there is no recording of that assassination!"
Ranma nodded. "I know. This is a re-creation." Then he jabbed a finger at the television. "And Xellos STILL showed up!"
"....................."
"And HERE he is during the assassination of that older brother in 'The Godfather'!"
Xellos held his face in his hands as sound of machine gun fire blared from the television set.
"And finally, here he is again... hiding partially behind a column overlooking the table in the painting 'The Last Supper'."
Xellos winced again. "Never thought THAT would come back to haunt me..."
Ranma shook his head slowly as he walked away from the television, his hands clasped behind his back. "Your honor, I move that not only is the opposing counsel responsible for the death of Legato, but in fact EVERY major assassination, massacre, and accident for more than 2000 years!"
Xellos was now sweating heavily and twiddling his thumbs in obvious anxiety.
Ranma smirked. "Your honor, the defense rests."

Gourry nodded, then turned toward the two remaining jurors. "So, what do you think?"
One the men looked surprised. "Aren't we going to convene?"
"Nah, to be honest, we just want to get this over with quickly."
The two men adopted expressions of intense thought, and spent several moments in silence.
Finally, one of them looked up. "Well, personally, I think it's rather preposterous to claim that the prosecuting attorney is responsible for-"
"Mouko takabisha!" Ranma immediately flung a ki blast at the jury box, disintegrating the reluctant juror. The remaining man ducked to the floor. "He's innocent! Innocent! Please don't hurt me!"
"Innocent it is!" Gourry proclaimed, tapping his desk with his hammer. "C'mon Zel, if we leave now we can still make happy hour!"
The chimera sighed, but nodded. "I suppose alcohol is about the best I can do right now..."

Ranma thrust a fist into the air, victorious. "Success! Once again, I overcome all odds!"
Vash just gaped. "You... You killed that man..."
Ranma blinked, then adopted a somber expression. "Yes Vash, I did."
"This... This isn't justice!" The gunman complained. "A murderer goes free, a dozen people are killed for no reason, and everyone just goes on with their lives, satisfied that it's all over and done with?!"
Ranma shrugged. "Pretty much. That's the U.S. legal system for ya." Then he became more serious and placed a hand upon Vash's shoulder.
"Look blondie, I just did my job. And my job is NOT to ensure that right prevails over wrong. Nor is it to ensure that the law is carried out, or that evil people are punished." He sighed. "My job is to keep you from serving a lengthy jail sentence at any cost. That's what I do. But... you're right. That's not justice." Smiling slightly, Ranma patted his chest with his hand. "Justice doesn't come from a judge or a lawyer. It comes from within."
Vash slowly looked up at his lawyer, newfound respect present in his eyes. Then, that image shattered, and the gunman frowned. "Whoa, wait. How does that work?"
Ranma shrugged. "It doesn't. But I wanted to leave this place on a moral high note, so I thought I'd give it a shot." He stretched, then snatched up his briefcase. "Well, my job is safe. Bill's in the mail, and if you ever end up killing anyone else, or maybe need a lawyer to handle insurance claims or something... for the love of all that's holy, do NOT CALL ME! Ciao."
As Ranma walked out of the court room, Genma found a bucket of water and promptly turned into a panda.
"Growf!" [To be continued?]

**********************************************************************************
Case 4 [Closed]