Even Heros Wet Themselves: A Pathetic Heros Tale By: Alex Hananel
"I think he's dead..."
"How do you know it's a he?"
"My male instincts of course!"
"...Right... I think the fact that it has no boobs is a dead give away. Why don't you poke it?"
I could hear the voices whispering, but I couldn't see them. 'What the hell?' I thought. I tried to voice my colorful question but found I couldn't talk either. 'Maybe I AM dead' I thought and tried to move around, 'Or mabye I'm just a blind, paralyzed mute...'
The children's voices spoke up once more; two small boys if my ears weren't failing me too, "No, YOU should poke it because you are older!"
"I'm not touching that!" The other boy argued back.
'Why don't niether of you poke me!' I screamed mentally at them cursing children and their damn stupid ways. In all my confusion of not being able to use my senses except hear and feel I remembered something that MIGHT have been of some importantance. I
had been hog tied like a newly born calf with a nice gag and blindfold to match. I tiwsted my stiff neck trying to get the gag out of my mouth.
"AH! It moved!" The small boy leapt back slighty.
"You wuss! That means it IS alive!" He stated sounding a tad nervous himself.
I finally manged to shake the gag off and breathed deeply letting air fill my sore lungs. I then turned my head in the general direction of the stupid boys' voices, "Untie me you stupid brats!"
The boys were silent for a moment and if I wasn't blind folded I was sure I would have seen they were giving me a queer look. After a moment one boy stepped forward, "What will you give us, Mister?" He questioned mock lancing his words, "'Cause you're
not getting untied unless we get something out of it." I heard the other boy laugh to himself.
'Damn...' I cursed metally and twisted around in my bondings. "I have money if you untie me... You can go buy whatever the hell you want with it. Whatever you little buggers buy... candy... comic books... porn books! I don't care just untie me!"
"Money is good!" Piped up the second boy and he knelt down and began to untie me.
'Thank god...' I breathed a sigh of relief as the tension of the cords that had held me so still, loosened.
The other boy had remained still for a moment but then he leaned over me and removed my blind fold. I hissed and squinted against the sun that filtered through the trees. "Shit... ow... Atleast warn someone!" I said glaring at the child and he shied away.
The other boy had finished getting the knot out of the cords like he was some professional boyscout and stood back grinning. "Yeah, yeah... You'll get your money." I stiffly sat up and my back cracked painfully. I put a hand to my face and swept my hair out of my eyes. 'Note to self: Never hunt demons that can tie good knots...' I thought to myself and stood.
"Pay up!" Said the larger boy and he held out his chubby hand.
I smirked as a dug through my pocket of my trench coat where my gun wassupposed to be, "DAMN!" I leaned down and looked inside my pocket desperately looking for the wepon, "SHIT SHIT SHIT!" I patted myself down looking for anything I ever used against demons. "THEY STOLE THEM ALL THOSE BASTARDS!"
The boys merely blinked as they watched me rage on and on in a colorful display of new vocabulary.
"I think he's dead..."
