RANMA 1/2: IRON CHEF STYLE By ProtoGarrett
Every girl stuck on Ranma cooking. What does that spell?....DOOM!!!
____________________________________________________________________________Scene begins after Akane, Kodachi, Ukyo, and Shampoo have a heated discussion on who is the better cook. They decide to have a contest and Ranma will be the judge.
"Wait till Ranma-honey tries this new recipe! He'll surely pick me to be his one and only." Ukyo had been working on a special seafood okonomiyaki.
"Ranma will marry Shampoo and make her lots of babies! Shampoo make special Chinese luuuv-ramen! It have much spirit powers!"
"Ohhh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! The only Spirit powers you'll use is lots and lots of alcohol my amazon friend!" cackled Kodachi.
"So what!? At least Shampoo don't poison Ranma's food with ummm…POISON, you pumpkin tit'd hoe!" (Shampoo had been practicing her Japanese)
Akane slammed down her mixing bowl filled with cookie dough, "Shut up! You guys are going to make me screw up!"
Ukyo leaned over, "Um, Akane, I think you're doing that on your own."
"Huh?"
"Yeah, you see you just confused crack with baking soda."
"Damn it! Why can't daddy hide it like normal fathers do!"
"Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Well I'm sure it runs in the family!"
"But Kodachi is one who related to Kuno and principal!"
Kodachi began to cry, everyone comforted her. "I'm sorry, Shampoo go to far."
"It's all right."
"Hey Ukyo, what are you doing to Shampoo's ramen?"
"Me, heh, oh nothing!"
"What?! You get away!" shoos away Ukyo. "Aiyaaa! Crazy girl! What you do?! Shampoo's ramen have human flesh in it! This no is amazon celebration ramen, is luuuv-ramen! You think you win contest by sabotage with your sabotageingy ways!"
Akane rushed over, "Whoa calm down Shampoo…"
"Shampoo no calm down! Is mad so Shampoo! Women Shampoo kill cook must run!"
"Ohhhhh-ho-ho-ho! Looks like she's going insane! Oh-ho-ho!"
"She's making even less sense now! Ukyo, what have you done!? She's developed some sort of turret syndrome!"
Shampoo begins to jumble words and swear vehemently in Chinese and Japanese. She begins to foam at the mouth and throw dishes. Suddenly, Mousse runs in.
"Shampoo! Shampoo! Are you alright my lo-" And so she killed Mousse.
"Darg groorgh! Shampoo flem shnrotnoggle Ranma damn fuck aiyaa!!!" Shampoo then pulls out a knife from somewhere in mid air. "Purple table monkey gir master!!! Shampoo does china with women kill breasts! GRAPE NUTS!!!!!" Shampoo charges at Akane.
Akane backs up to the wall "Eeeek, no! I don't want to play the helpless female again even though I'm strong enough to beat up Ranma yet I always get kidnapped or something! NOOOOO!"
Shampoo dashes to kill Akane but for some reason stabs herself a lot. "Aiyaa! Shampoo kill Great Grandmother!" and so she goes out and does so.
"Why, hello Smapoo, how are you- AUUGH, why are you stabbing me in the face! AUGH! YOU ARE STABBING ME IN THE RIBS AS I LIE BLEEDING! NOW YOU ARE KICKING ME THROUGH A SOLID STONE WALL, AND YET SOMEHOW I AM NOT A FINE PASTE BUT THAT IS NORMAL FOR US, AND MR. TENDO'S OUTRAGEOUS INSURANCE COVERS THE DAMAGE TO THE HOUSE!!! NOW YOU ARE CUTTING OUT MY HEART! VISION…Tunneling…ugh…." Thump.
Shampoo storms in, "But is what worse, ramen is bad! Shampoo no longer worthy of existence!" she begins to stab herself again. She dies.
"….Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Shall we continue?"
And so the women continued on with their cooking. Soon however, Nabiki comes in and approaches Kodachi.
"Hey Kodachi, you know…"
"Ohhh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Here just take my OHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO money and save yourself the trouble, you greedy bitch."
"Why thank you! This gets easier every time."
Ukyo turns around, "You know, if we were to kill Nabiki we wouldn't be tricked out of our cash anymore."
"But she's my sister!"
"So?"
"Hmm, you make a very good point. Seeing as that I'm very irrational and a very easily convinced, let us kill her."
So, Nabiki protested a little but no one cared. They wrapped her up like sushi and threw her body into the nearby river and let her drown. Then they went back to the kitchen.
"Oh, yay! My okonomiyaki is almost done!!"
"Damn it! This isn't water! It's gasoline!….Oh well, maybe Ranma won't taste it!"
Kodachi thinking to herself, "Now to put a paralyzing potion in it again, so maybe Ranma will be stupid and fall for the same trick."
And for no particular reason, Happosai come and begins to grope Kodachi. Yet again he is wearing his little mask and sack full of panties. "Yay! Women! Rape rape rape I am raping a young girl." (inside joke)
"Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Stop that!" She takes her ribbon and wraps it around his neck and begins to tighten it.
Akane steps forward, "Happosai! Why do you always touch us!"
"AAAARRRGH! You broke my mental defenses! Curse you and your mighty word probe! It is to hide my deep dark secret!"
"What is it? I love Ranma-honey!" (note use of clever dialogue)
"It is…I’m GAY!!"
::collective gasp:: "Ohhh-ho-ho-ho-ho! How is that poss- OHHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!!!!!!!!! -ible?"
"I was trying to condition myself! I thought that if I touched enough women and surrounded myself with panties I could be free normal! But it never worked! Just a couple minutes ago, I horribly beat Ryoga and had my way with him, forcing him to do unspeakable things!" he reaches into his little bag, he whips out and slams on the ground Ryoga's naked and beaten corpse. (Yes, even I admit this is pretty fucking sick.)
"I killed him after I took his innocence!"
Ukyo and Ikari (who has come from nowhere) rush to Ryoga's side, "NOOOOO Ryoga!! We were supposed to lose our innocence together! OH GOD, why now? We only made it to third base!!!" They cry, and Ikari shoots herself in agony.
Akane just stares, "Damn… what a body. I'd like to have me a piece of that."
"Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho! And look at the SIZE of his-"
"Oh, you should see Ranma's."
"Hmmm, I would like to see Ran-chans package."
Happosai jumps up, "Enough! You all know my secret! I can't let you live!" He duct tapes himself to Kodachi and Ukyo. Happosai readies his happo-fire burst. Ukyo then breaks loose.
"NO! I would rather die by my own hand! Oh Ran-chan! I love you, never forget me!" She eats Akane's cooking, within seconds she throws up her entire digestive system and a couple of ribs. Thus she has taken her own life after escaping death by Happy. Ironically, she does not see the stupidity in her actions.
"Happo Fire Burst!" Big explody. Lot's of flames. My head hurts, I want this to end.
"OHHHHHH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO! OWWWWW-OW-OW-OW- I MEAN -HO-HO-HO!!" She explodes and finally dies, though not in a throughly painful manner as many people hope.
"…..she ate my food."
And to make a short story even shorter, Akane, not having an entry to present steals the other women's entries in hopes of winning. However, she loses since Kasumi was the best cook overall anyway. She and Ranma go off together and live happily ever after since anyone who likes to bother them is pretty much dead. Akane, throws herself off a cliff in despair.
For everyone else ummm… Well, I'll just make up some shit. Pantyhose; I mean, Awesome Taro, moved to San Francisco and became Flamboyant Taro. You can see him lip-synch to Cher at the Rainbow Room on Friday nights. Genma lost weight and became a spokesperson for Weight Watchers. All the teachers at Furinkan High are arrested for gross negligence and abuse of their students. Soun, ummm, he imploded. Yeah, that works. Same with anyone else I left out.
The End