Warnings: Um, silliness, lack of plot line and the timeline is screwed up. I started out trying to give it a plot ... and failed miserably, so then I just kind of gave up!

Lupinewraith

Zel: Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods ...
Val: Oh god, oh gods, oh gods ...
Xel: Come on guys! Lighten up!
Zel and Val: Please don't let him be in it!!!!
Author: Bwa ha ha ha!
 
 
 
 

Gourry was worried. Really worried. Possibly more worried than he'd ever been in his life. Tomorrow was the big day. Sighing, he put his head in his hands. He remembered what had happened to the last person who'd tried to marry Lina ... If anyone so much as mentioned five thousand gold pieces, she went berserk. Now it was his turn to pretend. He wasn't quite sure he understood the plan, but he thought it was something to do with buying them time ... and throwing their enemies off the scent. Well, he was in a bar, on his stag night, and he was worried.

Zelgadis looked around the bar. He knew this whole thing was just a pretence, but why was Valgarv there? Why would Gourry invite Valgarv to his stag night? It was all just too weird. And where had Xelloss disappeared to?

Valgarv sat in the corner, glaring at anyone who so much as looked towards his table. Gaav had left over an hour ago. He said he was going to buy a monopoly board, but he'd never come back. Now Valgarv was drunk. Really drunk. He just wanted Gaav to come back. What the hell was he doing at that stupid swordsman's stag night anyway? Gourry was marrying Lina Inverse ... that's right ... and Xelloss was there. Xelloss?!?! He hated Xelloss! He took another drink and wished Gaav would come back.

Suddenly, the lights flared up on the stage that was located on the far side of the inn. Out came the dancing girls led by ...

"Xelloss?!?!?" Zelgadis said in disbelief.

"That leading girl's really pretty," Gourry said.

"That's Xelloss, you idiot!"

"Is it?" Gourry asked absently. "I wish Lina was here!"

"It's your stag night, remember? Guys only!" Zelgadis said, staring at the scantily clad vision in purple who looked ... surprisingly feminine and extremely sexy. He mentally hit himself for thinking that. He watched in horror as a man slipped some money down Xelloss' clothing. "This is just too much," he muttered. "I'm going to bed!"

Val watched in disgust as some women danced around the stage.

"How can anyone find women attractive?" He thought. "I just want my Gaav-sama!" Visions of Gaav prancing around in a fuku clouded his mind.

"You think you'll be able to keep going with the plan if I leave?" Zelgadis asked.

"Yeah, I think so," Gourry said. "I'm going to bed soon too. I want this whole thing to be over!" Zelgadis made his way up the staircase, taking one last look back over his shoulder to see Xelloss pole dancing at the front of the stage. He sighed in disgust (or possibly longing.)

From the stage, Xelloss saw the chimera disappear up the staircase. He smiled to himself. His plan had worked.

There were gasps from the audience as the lead dancer suddenly vanished right before their eyes. Most of the men blamed it on their drinks, but a few crawled hopefully to the changing rooms, searching for the enchanting young lady in the revealing purple outfit.

Zelgadis stripped off his clothes, put on the pajamas the inn provided, then got into bed. Why was the fact that Xelloss was downstairs acting like an idiot bothering him so much? What did he care if men were paying money to ... He shook his head and tried to distract his thoughts. He needed to get a good night's rest so that he would be ready for the plan tomorrow.

He sighed and rolled over, his head hitting something soft. He looked up into the closed eyes of the Mazuko.

"Gahgle!" He said, throwing himself backwards and falling out of the bed.

"I'm so glad you're pleased to see me!" Xelloss replied. "But this would be a whole lot easier if you stayed in the bed!" Zelgadis' head appeared over the side the mattress.

"Get the hell out of my room, Xelloss!"

"No."

"Why are you here?"

"That is a secret!"

"Take off those stupid hooker clothes! What if someone walks in?" Zelgadis said, eyeing the extremely short skirt Xelloss was wearing.

"I'd be glad to!" Xelloss said, and started unbuttonning the skirt.

"Wait! I meant put on your usual clothes!!!!" Zelgadis shouted, shielding his eyes.

"Oh, you're no fun!" Xelloss pouted, but stopped taking off the skirt. Just then there was the sound of someone fumbling with the door outside the room. Zelgadis looked around in terror, praying that it wasn't Gourry. The door opened and light flooded in, blinding him. He jumped up and closed it quickly, revealing a very unstable Valgarv standing in the middle of the room. Val swayed on his feet, took one look at the two other occupants of the room then collapsed on the floor, curling up around his bottle of alcohol.

"Oh great! Somebody else to join our party!" Zelgadis said.

"Well, I did want you all to myself, but the dragon's cute, and I'd love to see his master's face in the morning!" Xelloss chirped.

"Forget it Mazuko, I'm leaving!" Zelgadis informed the grinning priest then turned to leave the room.

"I wouldn't if I were you," Xelloss commented. "Firstly if you leave now, Gourry will ask why. What are you going to tell him? You left a half-naked Mazuko and a blitzed half-dragon in your room? That sounds a bit suspicious. If you stay, I won't tell the others what happened between us."

"But if I leave now, nothing will happen between us!"

"Will they believe you?"

"I don't care! I'm leaving!"

"And what will Gaav-sama say when I tell him that you just left his drunk lover in a room with me. All night. He'll be really grateful. And I'm sure Valgarv will just love hearing the way you abandoned him to my will!" Zelgadis stopped, hand on the door handle. How could Xelloss do this to him?!?!

"Alright, I'll stay, but the moment you try anything, I blast this room to pieces!" He said. Xelloss smiled and floated over to the sleeping figure on the floor. He came back to the bed, holding Val in his arms. "You can't put him in there! There isn't room!" Zelgadis squeaked. He saw the look in Xelloss' now open eyes, and decided to give up on the point. "Fine! But I'm sleeping on the floor!"

"Do that and I tell Xellas-sama about your plan!" Zelgadis paled. Lina would kill him if he blew the plan, but how could he sleep in the same bed as Valgarv and Xelloss! While he stood contemplating this, Xelloss pulled him into the bed beside him and Val. Val murmered something about trenchcoats then swung his arm over Xelloss, burying his face in the Mazuko's neck. Zelgadis crawled tentatively into the other side of the bed, trying to stay as far away as possible from Xelloss.

He lay for hours, watching Xelloss, his hand on his sword which lay in the bed next to him. Sometime before sunrise his mind gave up trying to protect his body and forced him to sleep ...

Val yawned. He was so comfortable. Wow! Gaav had lost some weight, and some height, and some hair. His head really hurt! What had happened last night? Slowly he opened his eyes. The world swam with purple. He sat up. When had he undressed? He was still wearing his boxers, but nothing else. Slowly the room came into focus. Before him lay Zelgadis. Huh. When had that happened? He'd always thought the chimera was kind of cute, but he didn't realize that Gaav liked him. Zelgadis was happily snuggled into the chest of ... Xelloss! He screamed and fell backwards out of the bed. That did NOT do his hangover any good!

Zelgadis jerked awake. He didn't want to move, his pillow was so soft, very silky, nice contours. Oh no! It was moving! He moaned in protest and held it firmly down. Wait, why was his pillow kissing him? Oh gods ... he remembered. When he had recovered from the kiss (which took a long while.) He stumbled out of bed. He noticed that Valgarv was sitting on the floor on the other side of the bed, looking horror-stricken. Zelgadis looked back at the bed. Xelloss lay there smiling, wearing nothing but ... Zelgadis tripped on a stool and fell over backwards.

Gaav walked into the inn. Where had he left Val? He asked a nearby waitress if she'd seen him.

"Um, slim, very attractive, irresistable, sex-god?" The waitress repeated. "Try room three." As Gaav left up the stairs, the waitress wondered to herself: "Which one of those three guys does he mean?"

Gaav, never one for formalities, threw back the door of room three. (Well, he really missed Val! It'd been a whole ... eleven hours or so!) For a few seconds he was paralyzed. Xelloss was lying on the bed, passionately kissing a half-dressed chimera who seemed to be half-way between trying to kill the Mazuko and fainting in ecstasy, while Val, also very close to naked, was lying between them, staring at the ceiling. Gaav counted to ten, then roared.

Val regained control of his mind, saw Gaav, and prepared to kill himself, after he had killed Xelloss.

Xelloss saw Gaav, grabbed Zelgadis and disappeared.

Zelgadis heard Gaav, felt Xelloss grab him, then disappeared.
 
 

Gourry stood at the altar, fidgeting nervously. Things weren't going to plan. He wasn't quite sure what the plan was, but he thought it involved more people being present. There was Filia, Sylphiel (sobbing loudly), Auntie Aqua, The Beastmaster (who kept winking at him in a very disturbing way), Shabernigdo, Zangulus and Martina, Eris, Vrumigan, Seagrim, Jiras, Melgasia, Phribrizzo (who'd fallen asleep sucking his thumb on one of the pews), Prince Phil, Rezo, ... but he was sure that some people were missing. He couldn't remember who though. Wasn't he supposed to have a best man?

Zelgadis peered sheepishly around the pillar at the back of the church. He was late. He knew he was late, but he still hadn't had time to get properly straightened up. (Not that he would ever be straight.) His hair was tousled, he was pretty sure he had bite marks on his neck. (Quite an achievement! Way to go Xelloss!) His shirt was only half tucked in ... Well, he had to get out there. As innocuously as possible, he joined Gourry at the head of the church. Xelloss strolled out after him, whistling happily. He looked perfectly tailored in an exquisite suit and tie. He sat down beside his master.

The music started. Lina, beautiful in her wedding gown, appeared through the doors at the back of the church. She was walking up the aisle when Amelia, her bridesmaid, caught sight of Zelgadis, and immediately joined Sylphiel in crying loudly. Zelgadis blushed. Xelloss grinned.

Through the recently closed doors, two more figures suddenly appeared. Everyone turned to look. Val, now sporting a pair of trousers, was followed closely by Gaav, who was smoking a cigarette. Xelloss waved flirtatiously towards the ancient dragon.

"That's it!" Lina burst out, throwing off her veil. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Does that mean we're done?" Val asked, getting up. "'Cos Gaav and I have some unfinished business we would really love to get back to. Zel, you can come if you want ..." Everyone turned to stare at Zelgadis, who blushed like a man whose sexual identity had just been revealed in front of all his closest friends, enemies and family members. He looked questioningly at Xelloss. The Mazuko smiled and opened his eyes. Zelgadis practically drooled.

"Um, well, Val, last night was great and everything, but Xelloss and I ..." Val nodded understandingly, then leapt into his masters arms. Before the two phazed out Lina thought she saw Gaav take some whipped cream from the recesses of his trenchcoat. She shuddered. "So, Lina, are we done here?" Zelgadis asked.

"Well, seeing as our ploy was to lure the demon dragon here, and have him destroyed by the monsters who hate him ... I guess so," Lina said in despair. Zelgadis looked at Xelloss. Xelloss smiled. He and the chimera barely phazed out before Zelgadis had ripped both their shirts off.

Amelia cried, Xellas laughed, Shabernigdo played patience, Rezo bumped into things, Sylphiel gleefully hung off her newly freed Gourry, Filia drank tea, Martina and Zangulus got drunk, Eris discussed fashion tips with Seagrim, Vrumigan happily played Russian Roullette in the corner, Jiras started line dancing, Melgasia read a book and Phribrizzo played with a yo-yo. Lina thought it couldn't get any worse, then Val wandered back in.

He sidled up to her and whispered:

"Um, Gaav had a meeting with Deep Sea Dolphin ... Do you know where Xelloss and Zelgadis went?" A grinning priest appeared in the air next to the dragon, caught his arm, then disappeared.

Xellas made sure nobody bothered her servant and his guests. For a long time.
The End