Pain and Pleasure: Part Five
Sacrifice and Sympathy
 
 

Amelia: Why am I never in this fanfiction? Doesn't anyone love me?

Zel: Well ...

Xel: Zelly loves me.

Zel: Actually I love Valgarv.

Valgarv: But I love Xelloss ...

Everyone: I thought you loved Garv!!!!

Val: Well, he is dead and everything ...

Zel: This is one sick love triangle.

Lina: I'm glad I'm not part of it.

Gourry: Yeah, me too. I mean, Zel's cute and everything ...

Lina: What did you say?!?!?

Amelia: Mr. Zelgadis, how could you!?!?!?!? Fine! I love Filia.

Filia: Hmm? I was just drinking tea.

Lina: So let's get this straight ... Actually, on second thoughts, I really don't want to!

Xel: So long as I get Zel I'm fine.

Author: That is kind of the point of this fan fiction ... And can anyone tell I've started watching Try?

Amelia: So, does anyone love me?

Phibrizzo: Well, actually ...

Garv: No way, Phribby, you're mine!

Zel: So that means I get Val?

Filia: All these monsters! I just can't take it any more!

Author: Well, you don't have to, because the story starts now! E-mail me at lupinewraith@hotmail.com with any comments you have!
 
 
 

Zelgadis turned. A bolt of energy was racing towards him. He put up his hand to shield his eyes, but his mind was numb. Then everything happened at once.
 
 

Lina jumped up shouting, running towards him, Gourry racing behind her ...

He heard a voice in his head "You will not disrupt my plans anymore," ...

Xelloss appeared in front of him, throwing his whole body on top of him ...

The bolt soared harmlessly above him ...

A voice screamed with rage inside his head ...

Xelloss rolled off him, clutching his chest ...

"He needs me ..." Zelgadis thought ...
 
 

Everything was silent for a moment, then his senses returned. Xelloss was screaming, Lina and Gourry were shouting something ...

"Now it's my turn," a voice resonated around the room. Lina and Gourry stopped in bewilderment. A figure appeared in the corner.

"Zanokou!" Zelgadis said.

"Finally, you appear! What have you done with Amelia?!" Lina shouted. She was totally confused as to what had just happened to Zelgadis and Xelloss, but now Zanokou was here, there were more important things to think about.

"I haven't done anything ... yet. I will take care of you people, then I might be tempted to do something to her." Zanokou replied. "I see your monster isn't going to be able to help you." Zanokou smiled at Xelloss, who was writhing on the floor.

"Xelloss!" Zelgadis said. He forgot about everything else in the room. Forgot about defeating the monster, forgot about saving Amelia, forgot about finding his cure. Xelloss was hurt, that was all that mattered.

He moved over to the Mazuko.

"Xelloss? Can you hear me? What's happening to you? Xelloss!!!"

"You disobeyed me again, Xelloss. You saved the chimera. I thought I had made my intentions clear."

Zelgadis held onto Xelloss' shoulders, trying to keep him still.

"What's happening to him?" he thought.

"He is dying," a voice in his head answered. Zelgadis jumped. Somehow that voice was familiar ... But it said Xelloss was dying!!! He couldn't be, he just couldn't.

"You're lying! Who are you?"

"I am his master."

"You tried to kill me!"

"Unsuccessfully. Now Xelloss will receive your fate."

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because he cares for you. He is weak. He nurtures a one-sided bond that made him sacrifice himself for you. I can't have my most powerful servant being so pitiful. I cannot have him caring for someone who despises him. You could kill him at any time, or make him do your bidding, because he would not hurt you. Someone could find this out and use you as a willing go-between to damage me. Instead I will destroy him. It was his choice."

"This can't be true," thought Zelgadis. "Xelloss ... chose to die to save me? But ... he would never ... He said he needs me, and now ..."

"I would never hurt him." He said to the voice in his mind.

"I do not have time to listen to your lies. Go save your princess." The voice was gone. Next to him Xelloss cried out. Around him a battle was raging, but he had no interest in helping his friends. Xelloss lay on the floor, almost deathly still, his eyes closed. Thoughts raged through the chimera's brain, battling to win the forefront of his mind. All he knew for certain was that Xelloss would die if he didn't do something, but the only thing he could do was ...

"Xelloss, if this is a trick ..." He said. "Please say something. Don't leave me ... I ... I ... damn it, don't make me say this! I can't say it." Next to him Xelloss moaned. Zelgadis knew that time was running out. He reached forward, his hand shaking. "I know that you're a Mazuko. I know that all you want is to destroy life. I know that you could never really love me and I know that if you come back you will still torment me because you serve that evil creature ... but I can't let you leave me here! I don't want to live without you ... I want to hear your voice ... I want to see your eyes ... I want to feel your touch. Please don't leave me. I ... I ... Xelloss, I need you!"

The Beastmaster sighed.

"Well, I probably would have missed him anyway." Discarding her plans for her next General-Priest, she reached out for Xelloss' consciousness. He was floating on the edge of existence. Slowly she drew him back ...

Energy surged through his body. He was alive. But how? He could feel a weight on his chest. He opened his eyes. The chimera was kneeling next to him, his head on his chest, crying quietly. He watched Zelgadis for a moment, trying to understand what had happened, how he had been saved. He reached out and ran his fingers through the chimera's hair. Zelgadis sat up, staring at the priest.

"You ... you're not ..." Xelloss sat up and embraced Zelgadis, who stiffened momentarily, then relaxed in his arms. The Mazuko watched Lina cast an Elmekia Lance, as Gourry sliced at Zanokou. Zelgadis heard him whisper something, and felt a spell shoot out from the Mazuko's hand.

"This is no place for a touching reunion," Xelloss said, moving away from him. Zelgadis scowled. "Shall we go somewhere quieter?"

"But what about the others?"

"Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine," Xelloss replied, with a smile. "I don't think they'll have much trouble with Zanokou now."

"But what about when they find we've disappeared?" He said, then thought "Wait, I'm just going to leave with Xelloss? I could end up anywhere! Is this a good idea ..."

"We'll leave them a note." Zelgadis watched in bemusement as Xelloss scribbled something on a piece of paper.

"And, Amelia ...?" Xelloss frowned for a moment. Zelgadis blushed, but held the Mazuko's gaze. "Just because I don't want her to die doesn't mean that I feel ..." He didn't finish his sentence.

"Oh, she'll just have a bit of a headache," Xelloss said, then he pulled Zelgadis towards him.

"Hey! Wait!" Zelgadis shouted, trying to push Xelloss away. "Just because I didn't want you to die either doesn't mean that I ..." But Xelloss was kissing him again.

When Xelloss let him go, he found the others had disappeared.
"Where are we?" He said, looking around him at the darkened space they were in.
"Hmmm ...?" Xelloss said. His mind was otherwise engaged.
"Where are we!?" Zelgadis said again, getting annoyed.
"Does it matter?" Xelloss said, trying to pull the chimera towards him.
"Get off me! Look, we need to talk ..." Zelgadis said, evading the Mazuko's grasp and dodging round a bed that had appeared.
"About what?" Xelloss said, crawling across the bed towards Zelgadis, who backed away.
"About everything! I need to know what's going on!"
"Isn't there something else you would rather do?" Xelloss said, grinning evilly. Zelgadis blushed, and tripped, sprawling on his back.
"No! I want to know what's happening!"
"We have time. We can talk all you want later, but right now ... there's something much more enjoyable we can do. I just came back from the edge of death and I want to celebrate."
"Damn it Xelloss! You are so infuriating." Zelgadis attempted not to smile, but he was extremely relieved to have Xelloss back to normal.
"Fine," Xelloss said, sitting cross-legged on the chimera, pretending to pout. Zelgadis pushed him off and got up. Xelloss floated across to the bed and Zelgadis warily followed him. He sat tentatively on the edge of the mattress.
"Well?" he said. There was silence. "Xelloss!" Xelloss sighed.
"I don't want to explain this," he thought. "I don't know if he'll understand. He might go back to hating me again. I don't know how he feels now, but I'm pretty sure it's not hate. If I ruin this then ..."
"Are you sure you want to hear this?" he asked out loud.
"Xelloss, just tell me," Zelgadis replied. He fingered the bedspread and didn't meet the Mazuko's eyes. "I have to know how he feels," he thought. "I need to know what happened and what his master is doing. Am I still is danger? Is HE still in danger? How do I feel about him?"
"Where do you want me to start?" Xelloss asked. Zelgadis thought "With how you feel about me," but instead said:
"With my dreams." Xelloss bowed his head and stared at the sheets.

"They were my fault. The Beastmaster came through her link with me and influenced your mind. She brought out your darkest fears and worst memories and made you live them. The dreams fed off my evil intentions .... My desires to ... torture you. And they used all your hate and self-loathing. Combined it was so powerful that it almost killed you."
"But you saved me, didn't you?"
"Yes. I took away one of the major sources of the nightmare's power, and that broke the link my master had with you, so you were able to break free."
"So you wanted to torture me?" Zelgadis asked. "What else could I expect. You are a Mazuko. What changed your mind?" Xelloss smiled.
"That is a secret!" Zelgadis looked at him, but decided not to pursue the point. He stifled a yawn. How late was it? He didn't know, but he was very tired.
"And the poison?" He asked.
"She did that to try and kill you because she was annoyed that I hadn't. However, she underestimated you. When you recovered I made a deal with her that if I could hide my ... feelings, so that you never found out then she would let you live. But you remembered. You must have unlocked some part of your brain that told you what I said to you in the dream to save you. Once you knew about that, Xellas considered you a threat because she thought you would use my ... emotions against me. She could have just killed you then, but she decided to test me. I failed that test because I saved you. She thought that proved I was weak, so she decided to terminate my life." Zelgadis sat back, stunned.
"So you ... you admit that ..." Xellos cut him off.
"Now it's your turn to answer some questions." Zelgadis turned pale. "Fair is fair."
"Since when have you played fair?" Xelloss smiled.
"Why didn't I die?" He asked.
"I ... don't know," Zelgadis lied.
"Zelgadis, don't make me force you to tell me," Xelloss said, moving closer to Zelgadis along the bed.
"You did it again," Zelgadis said as he inched backwards.
"What? Made you uncomfortable?"
"Called me Zelgadis."
"It is your name."
"You know what I mean."
"Would you rather I didn't?"
"No ... I just ... I'm not used to it, that's all."
"Now tell me why my master didn't kill me." Zelgadis stayed silent for a moment longer.
"If I tell him this then nothing will ever be the same," he thought. "But he's already told me that he ... cares for me. But do I really feel that way? If I didn't care for him then he would have died, so I must ... but ... what if this is still all a trick that I'm caught up in? I don't want to say it, not again ... If I say it I'll be lost ... And only he will be able to save me ... I can't trust him ..." He looked into Xelloss' eyes. The Mazuko was startled by the chimera's expression. Zelgadis really didn't want to tell him this. His eyes were full of sorrow and pain.
"What happened that he's so scared?" Xelloss thought. "Damn it, why'd he have to look at me?"
"You don't have to tell me, Zelgadis," Xelloss said quietly. Zelgadis felt the resignation in his voice. Xelloss really meant it. He wasn't going to force him to say anything he didn't want to say.
"I just couldn't bare it if none of this was real, none of it was true." He thought. "I need to be strong, independent. But ..."
"I'll ask you something else," Xelloss said, almost cheerfully.
"Oh God ..." thought Zelgadis.
"How do you feel about Amelia?" Xelloss barely dared to ask this question. He dreaded what the answer might be.
"Amelia is my friend," Zelgadis replied carefully.
"But is she anything more than that?" Xelloss said and thought "Please let him say no, please let him say no. If he loves her ... don't let him love her!"
"She's ... I don't know. I know what you all think, and I know what she feels," Zelgadis said, feeling wretched. "I'm not blind, I know she has a crush on me. But we would just ... I could never love her. We're so different. She's made herself believe that I am something that I'm not. I care for her, and I want to protect her, but ..." Xelloss' customary grin came back to his face.
"He doesn't care for her!" he thought. "That means he might ... Whatever it means I know she's not a problem any more."
"Xelloss?" Zelgadis asked for the second time. "Are you even listening to me?"
"What? Yes, you said you don't care for Amelia," Xelloss said happily.
"Wait! I didn't say that, I still care for her as a friend. I'm not all that heartless!"
"I thought you were a heartless mystical swordsman."
"And I thought you were a heartless mystical priest." They sat facing each other. Xelloss grinned, Zelgadis suppressed a smile. "Xelloss, there's something I need to know ..."
"Oh, aren't we through with questions yet?" Xelloss said, crawling towards the chimera.
"No! If you're going to do what I think you're going to do then I'll ask questions all night!" Zelgadis moved to the other side of the bed. "Why is there only a bed and lots of darkness?"
"Is that what you need to know?" Xelloss asked.
"No!"
"Good, then I won't answer!"
"That's not what I meant!"
"Zelgadis," Xelloss said, very seriously. "If there is something you still need to ask then you had better ask it. I've already said this much, I might as well say more."
"Are you going to be serious?"
"Hmmm ... maybe. It depends on the question."
"Xelloss ... do ... I mean, well ... do you ... um ... how ..." Zelgadis blushed and looked away. "Why can't I just ask him?" He thought. "If I don't ask then I'll never know and ... oh! I wish he would stop looking at me! Why doesn't he open his eyes? And why is this so hard?! I can't believe I'm in this situation with him, but now I'm here I have to ask!" While he fumbled with what to say, Xellas contacted her servant.
"Sorry to interrupt you," Xelloss said. "But duty calls, I'll be back soon."
"Wait, Xelloss!" But Xelloss had disappeared.

"Welcome back, Xelloss," Xellas said.
"Thank you for sparing me," Xelloss replied.
"Oh, you needn't thank me, thank your chimera." Xelloss raised an eyebrow.
"Why?"
"Don't you know?" Xellas asked, amused by this thought. "Well, then you two will have some fun times ahead."
"I don't suppose you would care to explain what happened?" Xelloss asked.
"That is a secret!" the Beastmaster said, laughing. "Anyway, I do not intend to detain you long. What exactly is your situation with the chimera now?"
"I'm not really sure. He seems to be a lot more friendly than he was, but other than that I don't know."
"Yes, A LOT more friendly, Xelloss." Xelloss looked questioningly at his master. "Get a clue Xelloss."
"Is that an order?" The Beastmaster laughed again.
"You are dismissed."
"Thank you." Xelloss was just about to faze out when his master called:
"And Xelloss, don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
"I don't think that's possible," he replied, bowed and left.

Xelloss appeared back in his room. Zelgadis lay curled up on the bed, asleep. Xelloss sat down beside him, watching the chimera's chest rise and fall.
"Are you as confused as I am?" he asked out loud. He wanted to wake Zelgadis up, to talk to him again, and try and understand what was happening, but he was too peaceful when he slept. "Why can't anything ever be simple? I don't think I'm supposed to have any emotions, and yet here I am ... falling in love with you. But do you even care for me at all? Or am I going to spend a lifetime being ignored by you? Zelgadis, don't you know how beautiful you are? Why would you ever want to change this form? I would never want to change you. I could almost thank Rezo, if he hadn't caused you so much pain. I don't deserve someone like you, if you could ever care for me. I think I'll have to settle for stealing kisses from you, and watching you from a distance. In the morning we'll have to go back to the others and I doubt you'll ever want to talk to me again after what I did to you. Which is a pity because you're so sexy when you get mad with me." Xelloss sighed. "Do you ever think of me? At least you don't love Amelia, but that doesn't mean you ... Could you ever care for me Zelgadis?" He reached over to stroke the sleeping chimera's face, but Zelgadis caught his hand and rolled over.
"Yes," he whispered, then pulled Xelloss towards him.
The Beastmaster watched from above as they kissed. She sighed.
"Xelloss, you really are stupid. But if this is what you want then I'm not going to stop you anymore. I want the details in the morning though." She disappeared.
Zelgadis felt weak. He'd woken up to the sound of Xelloss' voice. He didn't know how much he'd missed, but he'd heard enough to know how Xelloss felt. Now he didn't ever want to move away from his lips, but Xelloss was pulling away. Zelgadis moaned in protest, trying to stop Xelloss moving.
"Really Zelgadis, you surprise me," Xelloss said, sitting up. He grinned widely and opened his eyes. Zelgadis moved his arms behind his head and laid still.
"Xelloss, is this real?"
"As real as you want it to be." Xelloss said. Below him Zelgadis closed his eyes.
"I can't believe this is happening," Zelgadis thought. "After everything I used to think about him, after all that time I hated him ... but now it's all changed, and I don't want this to end. The way I feel when he touches me ... I've never felt that way before." He opened his eyes and gazed up at the Mazuko. "Are you just going to sit there all night?" He asked.
"You might regret saying that," Xelloss said as he lay back down beside the chimera. Zelgadis ran his hand across the priest's chest.
"Can you feel pain, Xelloss?" He asked.
"Huh?" Xelloss said. "Why is he asking me that now?" he thought. "I was hoping we might do something else other than talk. He really is confusing."
"I mean, all those times I attacked you, could you feel it?"
"Well, yes, I could. It didn't really damage me, but I certainly enjoyed it."
"I don't understand you," Zelgadis said. "Why did you spend all that time acting like you did?"
"Why did you?"
"I ... I didn't feel the same way then as I do now."
"Neither did I."
"So why did you change?" Zelgadis was struck with how much had changed since he'd entered Zanokou's domain. He remembered what Rezo had said in the nightmare ... "Why do you care for me?" He asked suddenly. "I'm hideous and all I do is hurt people! Doesn't it hurt to kiss me? Aren't you ashamed just to be seen with me?" He rolled over and buried his head in his arms. Xelloss put his arm around him and tried to roll him back over.
"Zelgadis ... that doesn't matter to me. You are all that matters to me. You can't hurt me physically, and if you did I would enjoy it. Zelgadis, you're beautiful ..."
"No! I'm not!" Zelgadis shouted, and pushed Xelloss away.
"You are to me," Xelloss said, forcefully turning Zelgadis over. "I don't care what other people think. I'm a Mazuko, I'm not human, and I don't feel the same way they do. If they can't see you for what you really are then they aren't worth your time. They aren't worth our time. You don't need to worry about them because you have me now." Zelgadis gazed into Xelloss' eyes. He wanted to believe him ... but how could that be true? How could anyone find him beautiful? He was a freak! A tear rolled down his cheek and he quickly hid his face in Xelloss' chest to stop the Mazuko seeing him cry. Xelloss held him tight and sighed.
"So, no sex tonight then," he said.
"Burst Flare."

Zelgadis opened his eyes. Morning light was streaming through a window ... Wait. There was a window? There was light?
"Good morning Xelloss," he said sleepily.
"Actually it's afternoon."
Ok, so it was afternoon light streaming through the odd window suspended in the middle of the darkness, Zelgadis thought. Xelloss moved as if to get up. "Don't move yet," thought Zelgadis. "I'm not ready to face them, not yet." He held onto Xelloss' arm and pulled him back down.

"Zel, I have to get up," Xelloss said, gently removing Zelgadis' hand.
"No you don't," Zelgadis grumbled. He sharply pulled Xelloss back down and wrapped an arm around his neck.
"I really do ... mph mph ... Kissing my isn't going to change my ... mph mph ..." In his mind, Xellas laughed.
"Xelloss you really are too easy!"
"Do you mind?"
"I suppose not. You two will have a lot to explain when you get back though."
"I'll face that problem when I get to it." Zelgadis had snuggled into his chest and was breathing peacefully. Xelloss stroked his hair. "How the mighty hath fallen!" He said.
"Oh shut up!" Zelgadis said and kissed his neck, starting to undo the fastenings on his cloak.
"As much as I would love to, we don't have time for that ... Zel! We really don't ..."
"Well your clothes are impossible to take off anyway!" Zelgadis said, rather disgruntled.
"I don't usually need to take them off."
"Things change."
"They most certainly do."

End of Part Five