Mizu Kagami
 

Meguri awase Hitotsu machigae ba
Itoshisa sae Toge ni natte shimau
Mune no soko ni shizumeta itami ga
Himei o age Iki o fuki kaeshita..

~Perhaps meeting by chance was our one and only mistake
~Even beauty becomes a thorn
~Pain hidden deep within my chest
~Raises a scream and steals my breath

"Masaka! Chichiri! Oi, Chichiri!"

I blink and look up, the sandal stall I had been examining forgotten, surprised to hear a familiar voice. Standing before me is a grinning, red-headed bandit.

"Che! Chichiri! Ya never write, ya never visit…" Tasuki teases, bounding over to me and throwing his arm around my shoulders. My eye widens, beneath the mask. "I'd almost think ya didn't care anymore, buddy!"

As I gaze into those oh-so-familiar hazel eyes, I can feel my heart contract with pain. Here is the reason I go on living - my best friend, my fellow Seishi, the only person in the world who understands me. And here, also, is the reason I left on my wanderings once more. The pain that haunts my dreams, the sorrow that dogs my footsteps. "Tasuki…"

That insolent fanged grin. "Geez, Chiri, ya could at least have dropped in a few times in the last two years. Ya know where I live!"

I can't find my voice, staring breathlessly at this man who is my best friend. The fire-in-motion that is Tasuki, the beauty inherent in that smooth grace and fiery passion. Two years - it has been so long, and yet not long enough. Not nearly long enough for me to get over the terrible desire I have for this man.

"Oi, Kouji! Over here! Look who I found!" Tasuki is waving wildly at a familiar head of blue on the other side of the crowded market.

I grit my teeth and hiss silently, and only my ever-smiling mask prevents me from giving myself away. Here is the TRUE reason I've abandoned my feelings for the hot-headed bandit leader. Or tried to. From the first moment I saw them together, at the palace, during the war, I knew that any hope I had of gaining the bandit's feelings was lost. What chance did I have, a monk, a man with a broken past, against Tasuki's best friend from childhood?

A sudden 'crack' and pain in my hand makes me glance down, to find that I've clenched my fist around the edge of the stall I'm was standing next to, snapping through the thin wood and driving splinters deep into my hand.

Morbidly fascinated, I bring the hand up to examine it. So much pain, for the one I love - is history doomed to repeat itself? Will I lose my temper again, and destroy all that I care for? This is why I left, exiling myself from my only remaining friend's presence.

"Anotoki wa naze?" to Jibun o seme te mitari
"Demo doushite?" to Aite ni toikake tari..

~"But why at that time?" I only blame myself..
~"But, why?" and I question if I was good enough for my companion.

As Tasuki draws me along by the hand towards Kouji, my mind wanders through past times when I've been in this position. How often have I allowed Tasuki to lead me into trouble, laughing and protesting? How many times did I then pull Tasuki back out of that trouble?

How often was I in this position, with Hikou? How many times had my best friend laughingly dragged me along on one adventure or another, Kouran giggling behind us? Ah, Tasuki reminds me of Hikou in so many ways - they both have that incredible love of life.

How long did I hold Hikou's hand, in those last moments, before the log struck and caused me to let go? Not long enough - never long enough.

I squeeze my left hand into a fist, driving the splinters deeper, reveling in the pain. After all that I have done, I don't deserve another friend like Tasuki. All I deserve is the pain.

Nagare te yuku Mizu ni utsuru Omoide no danpen
Anna omoi Kurikaesa nai Sou kokoro ni chikau

~Go with the current, fragments of memories reflected in the water
~Deep in my heart, I swear not to repeat these emotions

Now he's got Kouji on one arm, and is dragging me along with the other, worming his way though the current of the crowd to Suzaku-sama-knows-where. They are laughing and chattering, and I smile my fake smile and nod, the occasional 'no da!' thrown in for good measure. It works as it has always worked, and I'm mostly left alone with my thoughts. Being silly is easy now, second nature. I don't have to think about it any more, not like I did in those first weeks and months.

Every smile and laugh from him squeezes my heart painfully, even as I swear I will never allow myself those feelings again. I cannot afford to allow them - I will only destroy him, like I destroyed it all before.

Nagare te yuku Mizu ni utsuru Kanashimi ga aru kara
Kono chikara de Kono inochi de Omae o mamori tai..

~Go with the current, my sorrow is reflected in the water
~With this power, with these feelings, I will protect you.

We pass over a bridge, and I see our reflections, in the water. Kouji is too far from the edge to be shown in the water, and it almost appears as if we are lovers, holding hands. How I wish it were true! But what I see is only a dream, a distorted reflection that can never be. Yes, I love him - I can admit it. And because I love him, I will never tell him. With all that I have within me, I will protect him from myself.

Nakushita no wa Shinji au kimochi
Demo ima nara Ai wa make nai darou

~Now that I've lost someone, my feelings reflect my beliefs,
~But I will never give up on love.

They chatter long into the night, gambling and drinking, while I sit and smile and nod and 'daaa!'. It's just like the old days, when I would visit him on his mountain, before the pain drove me away. Every so often, he looks at me, when he thinks I'm not watching. He's hurt by the way that I left him, two years ago, with no warning. Not even a note to say where I was going. Ah, but it was the only way. If I'd faced him, I would never have been able to leave.

I don't know how I'll be able to make myself leave now. Ah, Suzaku, I love him. Why do you have to torture me so?

Nasakenaku temo Ima wa itaranaku temo
Sore dakara koso Tagai ni tasuke aeru..

~Even though we are miserable, even though we are imperfect,
~We can still help each other.

I'm so lost in my thoughts, I hardly even realize they've all left. Not until Tasuki stands before me, hands on his hips and an upset frown on his face, do I realize that we are alone.

"What the fuck, Chichiri?" he demands. Gods, does he realize how sexy he looks with that fanged pout on his face? It's all I can do not to jump up and kiss him. Viciously, I suppress those thoughts.

"You leave without a word, never come back, and when I finally find ya again, you barely say two words to me! What the fuck did I DO?" He throws his hands in the air in exasperation.

I put on my best 'innocent' look - not difficult, with the help of the mask. "What do you mean, Tasuki-kun no da? I haven't…"

"Don't start that shit!" He bursts out, and leaning forward abruptly, he tugs at the side of my face, where he knows the edge of the mask is. I once showed him how to get it off, in case it ever needed to be removed for some reason while I was unconscious. Now I regret it, as it peels off in his hands and my true expression is exposed.

"Tasuki!" I make a half-hearted grab for the mask, but he's faster than I am, and tosses it away.

"Nuh-uh," he grunts. "I wanna see your expression when you tell me what the fuck I did to piss you off so much!" I blink - there are tears in his eyes. TEARS! "I thought we were FRIENDS, Chichiri!"

"We ARE friends, Tasuki no da…" I work hard to keep my true feelings off my face.

"Bullshit!" he explodes, and begins pacing the length of the room. "Friends don't just pack up and leave! Friends don't not contact each other for TWO YEARS! Friends don't abandon each other!"

"I didn't abandon you!" We both blink in shock as I shout - I've never raised my voice to him. A cold sweat breaks out on the back of my neck. It's started already - I've begun to lose my temper. I mustn't, I must NOT, or I'll do something I'll regret - just like I did all those years ago…

"Well, what the fuck do YOU call it?" He shouts in return, stalking up until he's less than a foot from me. His eyes are blazing, and his hands are curled into fists. He loses his temper so easily - but he forgives just as easily, and all past transgressions, once forgiven, are forgotten. I am not so simple.

"I… Tasuki, I…" there is no excuse for my disappearance that I can give, and we both know it.

For a moment, I'm certain he's going to hit me. Then a weary look enters his eyes, and he turns away, slumping into another chair, and reaching for a sake jug. Taking a large swig directly from the bottle, he thumps it down and turns tired eyes to me.

"I'll tell ya why ya left." As always, his accent gets worse when he's drunk and upset, and I can barely follow what he's saying. "Ya left 'cause ya were afraid. Fuck, Chiri, I know what happened to Hikou and yer fiancée. Ya think I didn't see what was happening? Ya were afraid ya'd lose yer temper and hurt someone again."

My gut clenches in cold fear. He knows, he knows… he knows how I feel. Suzaku, help me…

He lurches to his feet again, and resumes pacing, as if he can't stand still. "After everything we've been through, I can't believe you don't trust me, Chiri. Man, I thought I was yer friend!" He stops and looks at me, his eyes wounded. "I know ya ain't perfect, man. Hell, I'm just about as far from perfect as ya can get! But, Chiri - you're not the person you were then! Hikou forgave you - why can't you forgive yourself!?"

I'm startled to realize that I'm trembling. My hand hurts, though I magicked away the splinters several hours ago, and I realize that I'm clenching my fists again, nails digging into my palms. "Tasuki…" I don't know what to say.

Suddenly, his arms are around my waist, and his face is buried in my chest, and he's sobbing. I can do nothing but stand there in shock, even as his nearly incoherent words reach my ears.

"Chichiri - please, please, don't leave me again - I've been miserable without ya - Kouji's ready to kick me out, I've been bringing everybody down - two years, god dammit, I missed ya! Missed ya so damn much… don't'cha get it, Chiri? Don't'cha understand?"

Slowly, so slowly, my arms seem to raise themselves, to wind around him. I bury my face in his hair, inhaling deeply. "Tasuki…" It seems the only word I can vocalize any more is his name.

His shoulders shake with the strength of his sobs. "Chichiri - Chichiri, I love you. I love you. Please, don't leave me alone again!!!"

And suddenly I am sobbing too, the tears running down over my face, my body trembling. We cling to each other and sob, while he whispers his love over and over, and I can manage only his name.

Nagare te yuku Mizu ni utsuru Omoide no danpen
Anna omoi Kurikaesa nai Sou kokoro ni chikau
Nagare te yuku Mizu ni utsuru Kanashimi ga aru kara
Kono chikara de Kono inochi de Omae o mamori tai..

~Go with the current, fragments of memories reflected in the water
~Deep in my heart, I swear not to repeat these emotions
~Go with the current, my sorrow is reflected in the water
~With this power, with these feelings, I will protect you.

I am carried off on the current of your love, your feelings sweeping me up with their strength, much as your strong arms are sweeping me off my feet. Though we're nearly the same size, it doesn't feel at all strange to be carried by you - rather, it feels right, so very right, as you bring us both to your room. So much time has been wasted between us, so many bad feelings that never had to be there. How foolish I have been. How very self-centered!

As we curl together, I manage to complete the sentence I have wanted to say for so long - "Tasuki, ai shiteru."

He clutches me tighter, and as love sweeps us away, I make a new promise to myself - never again will he cry because of me. With everything I am, I will protect him.

Mizu kagami de kokoro no kage wo mire ba
Sore wa ai ga unda Mou hitotsu no kao..

~These are the shadows of regret in my heart, reflected in the water
~Now I see your face, which gave birth to our love

I move quietly, trying not to wake him. It's barely dawn, and I know how much he hates early mornings. I glance over, to see him still spread out on the bed, snoring softly. A smile touches my lips - the first genuine smile on my face in two years. Now that we are together at last, I can barely remember how I managed to live without him.

As I move to dip a cloth in the wash bowl, I am halted by my reflection in the still water. How I have always hated my reflection - that's why I created the mask. Not because it scared others, but because it scared me.

My scar still stands out prominently, and the sight of it still brings sorrow to my heart, as I remember everything I have lost.

Suddenly, his face is reflected beside mine in the still water, and I turn in surprise. He grins at me, wraps his arms around me, and cuddles up to my body. "Ne, Chichiri," he whispers, his voice a rumble in his chest. "Come back to bed. It's too damn early to get up! Besides - I wanna cuddle with ya for awhile." He looks down and blushes, embarrassed at asking. I smile and nod, and we return to the bed, basking in each other's presence.

Taisetsu ni shitai subete no tame ni mo
Mou itami kara me o somuke taku nai!

~Because it is important to me to make everything right,
~I will never turn my face away from the pain again.

Perhaps history is not doomed to repeat itself. Perhaps, this time, I will succeed in caring for the one that I love. Perhaps, just perhaps - this time, I will be happy.

I will never leave you again, my love, my heart, my soul. My Tasuki.
 
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