Humor

Universal Geometry

Fact: A line stetches infinitly in both directions.
Thus any point on a line can be considered it's center
Fact: A line brought onto a three dimensional scale would be the universe since the universe is infinite space.
Thus if any point on the line is it's center then the same must be true on it's three dimensional scale. in other words the universe.
Thus I AM the center of the universe.

~~~~~

On the Other hand...

At the end of the day a teacher addressed her class.

"Now class." she said. "There a big test tomorow and you ALL to be here. I'll only accept excused illnesses with a doctors note or if a death happens in your family or something. Also note that the killing of relatives to get out of the test is also prohibited."

One boys raised his hand and when the teacher called on him asked,

"Do I still have to take the test if I am suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" This brought a few laughs from the rest of the class.

The teacher thought about that and then said. "No I'm afraid you'll still have to take the test, with your other hand."

~~~~~

Women are not Stupid
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He loved money more than just about anything; and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want to take all my money to the after life." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoebox with her; she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check."

~~~~~

The New Priest

Father Duo Maxwell, a newly ordained priest got a job in a little church called St. Thomas Moore. His first mass, he was so nervous he could barely speak. After all, he wasn't exactly used to preaching if front of large crowds of people he didn't know. So, before the next Sunday, he asked Father Jim how he could relax. Father Jim said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday Duo put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from Father Jim:

Dear Father Maxwell,

1. Next time sip rather than gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

5. The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub- dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"

6. We do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and de Boys".

7. David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him".

8. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he did not pass water.

9. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko".

10. The Pope is consecrated, not castrated, and we don't refer to him as "the Godfather".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body," he did not say, "Eat me".

12. Paul was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he was not "stoned off his ass".

13. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook".

14. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry".

15. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

~~~~~

An Excercize in Thinking Stupid

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

hand."

~~~~~

Anagrams

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

~~~~~

A teenage girl found out her grandfather died, she went to the viewing, the funeral, and then to her grandmothers house. She was confused to the cause of her grather fathers death so she aked her grandmom and said,

"Grandmom, what happened to Grandpa?"

"Well, every Sunday we had sex and-"

"Grandmom! You shouldn't have been having sex, he was like eighty-five years old!"

"We had sex every Sunday to the tune of the church bells, in with the dings, out with the dongs, it was very therapuetic."

"So... what happened happened"

"We were in the middle and the Ice Cream truck drove by..."

~~~~~

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