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Episode 3: Not With A Bang, But With A Whimper
by Daniel Howard
-=Projector may also be used to show episode title and logo. Or if possible display T.S. Elliott's play entitled "This Is The Way The World Ends".=-
(Misato, Shinji, Asuka, and Rei sit on stage from Left to right in that order. A light falls onto Shinji as the others sit in the darkness.)
Shinji: I wonder when it started. The drifting that is. I can't put my finger on it, the day that I locked away my heart. I locked it so deep that not even I could feel emotion. I wonder when it was. Maybe, when my father left me. That was about the time I turned 4 or 5. Sorry, I'm not good with dates. I guess that was around the same time. It was a few months after, well, after my..mother died. Sorry, I don't like talking about it much but, after she died my father sent me to live with my uncle. I stayed there, living in poverty and anguish. My father, never once came to see me, never once sent me a birthday card. I always hated my birthday, because it reminded me of my father, and how much I wish I had never been born. I couldn't stand holidays either, without him being there. I just wish once he would talk to me, have lunch with me, thank me for being who I am. I want to be happy, but I hate myself. I hate everything about myself, so much that no body can stand me, and I blame no one but him. I wish I was dead, but what use would I be in the afterlife, that is, if there is one. Sorry, but I've come to the conclusion that whether I'm dead or alive doesn't matter. I'm not afraid of death because everything in my life has happened for a reason, and if I were to die it would just be another minor incident. I wish it wasn't though, I wish I were scared. If I were scared I'd actually feel something then, wouldn't I? In fact, I told that to my guardian, a woman who I fear more then myself, and she flipped. I can't believe there are people stupid enough to care for me. They'll eventually leave me, just like my father has. Why should I care if anyone is around me? They'll all be gone someday. I have no values to be cared for. I wish I could be a better person, I wish I could be someone, and I wish I could feel love. I wish, most of all, that I could see my mother. I wish I could see her in heaven. I guess, I wish I was dead. I wish I could be happy..
(The light then fades from Shinji and then shines on Misato.)
Misato: I wonder when it started. The day that I gave up all moral thought. I think it was the same day that I started college. My childhood was just an obstacle to what I wanted to become. I always had to be the good little girl, so that way I wouldn't make my mother and father more angry then they already were. They constantly fought, and many a nights did I not sleep because all I could hear was my mother cry. I hate my father. All he did was run away from us, trying to escape his reality into a false life. He ran into a bottle of liquor one night, and he escaped into a world of alcohol and hatred. He tumbled down in his existence, and left my mother and me behind. When they finally divorced, I was happy. I can barely remember what it felt like though, being happy that is. My mother stopped her tears, and I began to smile. I saw my father every now and then. I still hated him. I was happy, never had I been so happy. Until one day, my father decided to love me. I went on an expedition with him, he was an archeologist of course. It's funny actually when I look back on it, he saved my life. The Second Impact was caused because of my father, the worldwide disaster that killed ¾ of the Earth's population, animals, and plant life. And to think, I turned out just like him. I find myself in a glass, a bottle, or a can. I just keep tumbling down. I just keep letting myself down. I wish I could be a better person, instead of wanting to feel someone next to me. Maybe that's why I feel into the arms of a man, because I wanted to feel alive. I lost my virginity because I needed to reassure my own existence. I'm pathetic, aren't I? I had to use men just to feel alive. But they used me, all the same. I became my father without realizing it. I found my father in the man I slept with, and the irony killed me. I'm here now, living with two children, crying myself to sleep as my mother use to so many years ago. I'm too dirty to be held by any man, so I can only wish for death. I wish I could be happy..
(The light moves once more, off of Misato and onto Asuka.)
Asuka: I wonder when it started. The day I began to shell my true self away. I believe it was the same day that I promised my momma I wouldn't cry. Damn you momma! You left me! You left me just when I had become the most qualified child in the world! I was selected out of millions of children! You hung yourself that morning, the morning I came home with the good news. You hung there, like a doll, a doll that loved so dearly. You looked so happy. Your face, it was so happy. I hated that face. I hate you momma! You left me! You left me, you left me, you left me! Why, because I didn't have a father? So what if I'm a test tube baby?! It doesn't matter. I grew up way before you ever could! I graduated from college when I turned 14! I'm smarter then any of you could have been! All my childhood was ruined because of you! Now I can't be close to anyone! I don't need any man to be around me! Men just hurt women, they hurt you, and they hurt me! They're so stupid! I hate all boys! And now that you're gone, who will praise me? I have to be super good and better at everything then everyone else, so people will notice me, so I have an existence! But, I'm no one. I'm nobody. People just see me as a brat. I have to be tough, so that way I can be better then everyone, but that only makes people hate me. I hate myself. I want to be good. I don't want to cry. I don't want you to hurt me momma! Don't kill me momma! Just leave me alone! ALL OF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE EVERYTHING! I HATE BEING HAPPY! I HATE BEING ALONE! I HATE BOYS! I HATE MYSELF! I-I hate being sad. I wish, people would care. I wish people would understand me. But no body listens. I talk, I scream, I yell, but they don't give a damn about me! I hate this! I hate being a girl! All they ever do is pamper the other children, but what do I get? Am I greedy? No! I just want to be noticed! I want someone who won't use me or kill me! I want someone who can make me happy! I want to be with someone, mentally, and physically. I hate this, this life. I can never stop wanting. Maybe, I am selfish. I'm too selfish. Did I kill momma? Momma? Forgive me momma, I want to be with you again. I want you to watch over me. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be happy..
(The light fades from Asuka and then onto Ayanami.)
Ayanami: Who am I? You are you? Who is me? I am who I am? I am the girl who can never die, because "he" keeps me here. I want eternal rest, I want closure, and yet, I want to be there for "his" son. I don't know why, I don't know anything. I just want to die. I want to be relieved of this shell. I've died so many times, yet "he" keeps me here. What is my purpose? What must I do to make him satisfied? Do I even have a soul? What is life? I don't know how to interact with others, I don't know what it is like to be sad, happy, loved, angry, or even embarrassed. What are those things? Emotions? Life has so many questions, but they will remain unanswered because I am just a vessel. I am a plug into a new existence in which "he" wishes to reach. I have no ambitions, no wishes. I am not allowed. I always return to nothing. I just keep tumbling down. I am only permitted to do as I am ordered, because I have faith in "him". Yet, I would do anything "his" son would ask for. I believe, that I am someone else. I am not the person they refer to. I am but a clone, aren't I? I am who I am? What does this mean? I can't live anymore. I must return to being nothing. I am just a vessel to be used by "him". A tool to a higher existence. I know this, yet, why do I not rebel. I want to help "his" son, but I cannot go against my creator. Is he my creator, or is God my creator? What is my purpose? May I wish? If I may, what will I wish for? What will my ambitions be? If I wish to die, how may I have any ambitions? But death, death is my wish. I wish I knew what emotions were like, maybe I may experience those through death. Happiness? A smile, "his" son taught me to smile. I wish I could be happy..
(4 rays of light fall onto the stage, one on each character.)
Shinji: This is what others don't see. Is it human nature to lock away who we really are?
Misato: Until recently, I didn't look at it this way before. But now I can see
Asuka: No one can understand me, because it is our nature to avoid others.
Ayanami: All I can pray for is hope, hope that people will care and try..
Shinji: Try to understand. Can they? I can't even understand myself..
Misato: What is this, this life?
Asuka: An escape from a dream, where the dream ends. That is life.
Ayanami: It is reality, the world that keeps me from accomplishing my wish.
Shinji: My wish..
Misato: My wish to be myself..
Asuka: To be loved..
Ayanami: To be needed..
Shinji: To die..because of who I now am..I'm a coward
Asuka: I'm lost..
Misato: I'm hopeless..
Shinji: I'm scared
Ayanami: I'm useless..
Shinji: You all hate me..
Misato: I'm dirty
Asuka: You never needed me..
Ayanami: I'm just your doll..
Shinji: Why can't you love me?
Misato: Hold me..
Asuka: Don't kill me!
Ayanami: Use me..
Shinji: Never stop using me!
Misato: Don't dump me..
Asuka: Treat me right!
Ayanami: Give me a reason to live..
Shinji: I JUST WANTED IT TO BE YOU FATHER!
Misato: You never loved me! You left me!
Asuka: I HATE YOU MOMMA! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!
Ayanami: I want to scream Commander..I don't want to be your doll
Shinji: JUST LET ME DIE!!
Misato: Don't suffocate me!
Asuka: Let me breath again!
Shinji: I want to cry..
Misato: I have to be a good girl..
Asuka: I promised I wouldn't cry..
Ayanami: I can't shed tears..because I don't know what pain is..
Shinji: This pain..
Misato: Why must I always be hurt?
Asuka: All you ever do is hurt me!
Ayanami: What is pain?
Shinji: The truth is pain.
Misato: The truth hurts everyone..
Asuka: Is that why others keep the truth a secret?
Ayanami: They wish not to hurt themselves..
Shinji: So I hurt others instead of myself..to hide the truth..
Misato: Because, no one will understand it..
Asuka: Because it hurts everyone..
Ayanami: I want that pain, I want to feel pain..
Shinji: I don't want this!
Misato: I can't take the pain anymore!
Asuka: The burden of the truth!
Ayanami: These emotions, I take it all back!
Shinji: WHAT IS THIS PAIN?!
Misato: WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
Asuka: STOP KILLING ME WITH THE TRUTH!
Ayanami: WHY DO I FEEL ONLY PAIN?!
Shinji: I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO DIE! MAKE THEM STOP HURTING ME!
(Shinji then lets out a long scream of insanity and rage as the lights on the three girls fade out and only the light on Shinji remains. The girls then pick up their chairs and head off Stage left. Breathing heavily, Shinji looks out to the audience and falls to his knees holding his head in pain.)
Shinji: I'm just a petal. It's quiet now.
(Ayanami walks out from Stage left and stands on Shinji's left as a light falls on her.)
Ayanami: This is the way the world ends Shinji. Emptiness has occupied your heart. There is no one left to hear your screams, or try to understand you. You are alone. This is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.