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ThE WiT & WiSdOm Of HoMeR SiMpSoN

The Wit and Wisdom of Homer Simpson

Who doesn't love and admire Homer Simpson? While this loveable oaf has entertained us for more than a decade, we often overlook the profound and entertaining insights he imparts. Here are some of his more memorable gems:

It's true I'm a rageoholic. I'm addicted to rageohol.

If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer.

Leaves of four, eat some more!

Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous.

It's because they're stupid. That's why everyone does everything.

Hallucinations again? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?

This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead.

You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving.

With $10,000, we can be millionaires!

It's going to take a lot of fireworks to clean this mess up.

Ah, beer. My love for you will never die.

The fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose-it's how drunk you get.

Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike-you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."

Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.

Marge: What's that?

Homer: A dinosaur!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I know I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please Superman-help me!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.

(Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Internet! Is that thing still around?