A company that produces automated phone responses recently updated their product to account for the latest attitudes of parents. The following options tested very well among surveyed teachers.

"Hello! You've reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

• To lie about why your child is absent -- Press 1.
  
• To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -- Press 2.
  
• To complain about what we do -- Press 3.
  
• To swear at staff members -- Press 4.
  
• To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you -- Press 5.
  
• If you want us to raise your child -- Press 6.
  
• If you want to reach out and touch, slap, or hit someone -- Press 7.
  
• To request another teacher for the third time this year -- Press 8.
  
• To complain about bus transportation -- Press 9.
  
• To complain about school lunches -- Press 0.
  
• If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, class work, and homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort -- Hang up and have a nice day!"