title: Of Changes rating: PG-13 author: Mir email: incandescence@juno.com website: http://cathedraldragon.tripod.com/sm/ disclaimer: Sailor Moon, etc. belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, etc., etc., and so on and so forth ^_^. I have no money to speak of, so suing me will not make you rich. Song lyrics are from *Changes* by Phil Ochs. AN: I've never written one of these before...and have never particularly liked them either. I suppose there's a first time for everything. I didn't realize this was going to be so...dark... when I began. I'm not depressed. Heck, it's Christmas time! So I've no idea where this came from *g*. Um, enjoy - I guarantee that the ending's lighter than you might expect. PS: In case this fic isn't already confusing enough, for some reason the dialogue is either between single quotes or between squiggles. I don't know what inspired me to adopt this awkward system of punctuation - but somehow it fit...so I don't think it's overly difficult to follow (but it may keep you on your toes ^_^). *Of Changes* - - - - - - - - - - Sit by my side, come as close as the air, Share in my memories of gray; Wander in my words, and dream about the pictures that I paint of changes. - - - - - - - - - - Even now, I've no idea how it could have happened. That flicker of recognition I saw in her eyes, the recognition of a feeling I'd come to know with reluctant intimacy, beckoned me, and I followed. I couldn't help myself. I'd always pushed people away; it was an instinctive reaction I'd acquired for the purposes of self-preservation. But when I turned to escape again into the awaiting darkness, a small voice urged me not to, and I closed my eyes in shame. ~Wait~ I could imagine the utterance hanging in the air between us, as one's breath is apt to do on blustery winter days. It was an exclamation shrouded with sentiments neither of us had the courage to voice. We were both too proud for such admissions of the heart. It caught me in midstep, too late to regain my balance, too early to move forward, and I stumbled. I thought of it as an omen at the time; it was usually her move, not mine. But before I'd even realized what had happened she was at my side, her jocund laughter ringing in my ears. She took my hands in hers and leaned back, unable to pull me up but nonetheless determined to give it her best effort. I smiled, unable to stop from laughing myself. Somehow this was right, somehow everything was as it should be. - - - - - - - - - - Green leaves of summer turn red in the fall, To brown and to yellow they fade. And then they have to die, trapped within the circle time parade of changes. - - - - - - - - - - I lifted her into my arms, care, caution, and dignity long since flung aside. The blood sang in my ears, my breathing ragged. I was too late. Closing my eyes, I pulled her closer, as if by proximity I could transfer whatever kept me standing into her, my life for hers. But her head rested limply against my chest, heavy and unmoving. I wanted to scream into the night, denounce the inhumane justice that acts upon us from on high, but I couldn't find my voice. I panicked at the touch, pivoted so quickly I almost dropped the precious bundle I held close. Four sets of teary eyes stared in my direction, four distraught gazes, but only one of the girls had the courage to approach me in my madness. 'Let her go. It's over'. I only clutched her tighter. 'There was no way you could have known'. The words bit into what was left of my sanity, and I froze, forgetting to breathe. Of course I should have known, of course. But I didn't tell them; there was no way they could have understood. And this time I ran - I ran, and there was no voice to stop me, no whisper to pull me back. - - - - - - - - - - Scenes of my young years were warm in my mind, Visions of shadows that shine. Till one day I returned and found they were the victims of the winds of changes. - - - - - - - - - - I didn't care where I ended up...as long as I was alone. Everything was so simple before she arrived. My angel, my Usako, my love - How I wished that she'd never entered my life, wished that everything had remained simply transparent. But just when you think you've finally gotten the world figured out you get caught with a curve ball right in the nose. I couldn't imagine life without her. Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? It was a cliche, a damned cliche, I knew it. I had lost her once, lost her as a lonely boy alone in a hospital who'd watched those two golden pigtails go swinging off to see her baby brother. I never thought I'd lose her a second time. Shivering slightly, I rubbed my hands together, more out of instinct than of will. I didn't remember having powered down. There was a bench behind me, a cold park bench, and I barely noticed the dark-haired girl who scooted over to give me room. 'Mamoru-san, it isn't your fault. Or if it was, it was as much ours as well'. She looked at me, soft eyes pleading. I pulled away. 'Talk to me. I...I won't tell the others'. And with reluctance I slid across the bench beside her. She took my hand, her quiet gesture softening my heart. - - - - - - - - - - The world's spinning madly, it drifts in the dark, Swings through a hollow of haze, A race around the stars, a journey through the universe ablaze with changes. - - - - - - - - - - Never before had I realized how silent night could be, how vastly empty and utterly hopeless. Dreams descended upon my wounded senses, bombarding my unconscious mind with ions of madness. Whiffs of tranquility laced with drops of bittersweet fortune fluttered onward. Onward and upward, forever out of reach. ~Why~ the question hung above my bed like vultures catching updrafts above carrion. It circled laconically, kept aloft by turbulent desperation and sinking spirits. I fled, fled from it all and emerged gasping out onto the balcony. But even as I filled my lungs with the soothing coolness of the midnight air I knew that I would never be the same. I closed my eyes, closed my eyes in the hope that I'd open them to daybreak, a daybreak healed by the reunion of my dreams and reality. Fear dissolved into exhaustion, and I failed to realize when the night began to merge with the random patterns of restless sleep. - - - - - - - - - - Moments of magic will glow in the night, All fears of the forest are gone But when the morning breaks they're swept away by golden drops of dawn, of changes. - - - - - - - - - - She stood before me, eyes dancing joyfully, hair swinging to and fro. 'Mamo-chan!' And arms encircled my neck, her weight pulling me downward as it always had. Could it really be? She took my hand in hers and dragged me away from where I stood. Scenes flashed by, time pulsing in resonance with her footsteps. 'Ooh, what I'd do for a sundae right now' It was the carefree declaration of her stomach that clenched it. Usako, my Usako, was back, and I wanted to hold her, hold her and never let go. ~I love you~ And she paused, those bottomless eyes melting my heart. 'Oh, Mamo- chan, that's so sweet...thank you...' I lean over and kiss her, pressing her closely against me. I felt so cold, even with her in my arms. ~Usako?~ But she never answered, and I slowly rolled over to see the dull streets of Tokyo stretched out below me. O the inhumane torture! - - - - - - - - - - Passions will part to a strange melody, As fires will sometimes burn cold. Like petals in the wind, we're puppets to the silver strings of souls, of changes. - - - - - - - - - - Shuffling along the busy streets, hands stuffed in my pockets, head hanging, I dragged myself forward across the sands of time. The wind tugged at my jacket, pulling me first in one direction then pushing me in another. I felt lost, a drifter among the shadows of time adn space, a ghost on its way to nowhere. ~No~ I thought to myself, it was never meant to be like this. I closed my eyes, closed them and felt the steady stream of hurried pedestrians irritably pushing their way past me. 'Get off the sidewalk, jerk' I head someone yell in my direction. I followed their advice without thinking. I think I realized my mistake in the split second before my world went dark. It consumed me, as I always knew it would, enfolding me in its gentle embrace. I relaxed into the warm tranquility, not caring where I was or how I'd gotten there. Lights flickered dimly in the back of mind - something wasn't right, but I pushed the thought away with exhausted carelessness. ~Usako~ I could smell her, taste her, almost touch her, almost. 'I'm coming, my love, I'm coming'. - - - - - - - - - - Our tears will be trembling, now we're somewhere else, One last cup of wine we will pour And I'll kiss you one more time, and leave you on the rolling river shores of changes. - - - - - - - - - - I opened my eyes expecting to see my Usako but instead met the worried gaze of a complete stranger. 'Mr. Chiba?' I scowled and pretended to fall back asleep. Oh deja vu, how terrible the feeling. I could smell the harsh sent of linoleum floors and bare walls, feel the generic texture of white sheets, taste the bitterness of the filtered air. It was ancient torture, the resurfacing of a memory I tried my hardest to forget, the reoccurrence of a time I never wished to relive. 'Mr. Chiba, I know you're awake'. The voice was persistent, obnoxiously so. Go away, I thought to myself, just go away and leave me alone. But time passed, and walls crumbled, toppling haphazardly to the ground. Emotions previously contained exploded in a rushing flood of feeling, and I turned away from everything that was real. ~Usako, wait~ The words, like dangling icicles dripped off my tongue, utterances of a madman in middle of the night, the dark time when only the walls are around to listen. - - - - - - - - - - So sit by my side, come as close as the air, Share in my memories of gray; Wander in my words, dream about the pictures that I paint of changes. - - - - - - - - - - ~Mamo-chan?~ I didn't respond, afraid that if I opened my eyes I'd find only the ghosts of past times, only misery and insanity. ~Wake up!~ Small hands pushed at my shoulder, and from where her fingers touched warmth spread outward in cascading circles. Was it real, could I trust anything? And as my hands reached up to enfold hers I bit my lip to keep from crying. Shivers ran up and down my spine in endless cycles of exhilaration. Had it all been a dream? ~Earth to Mamoru~ I pulled her close to me, losing myself in sensations of the moment. ~I love you Usako~ I uttered with reservation, fear that I'd break the spell - but this time she didn't disappear. - - - - - - - - - - Okay, so even now I'm not completely sure where I was going with this fic...it's dark, I admit, and the ending probably isn't entirely satisfying (from a technical viewpoint), but anyhow - no sequels are forthcoming. Sorry, but I don't want to depress myself ^_^. - Mir 12.29.00 Unfragmented lyrics to the song follow: _________________________________________________ Sit by my side, come as close as the air, Share in my memories of gray; Wander in my words, and dream about the pictures that I paint of changes. Green leaves of summer turn red in the fall, To brown and to yellow they fade. And then they have to die, trapped within the circle time parade of changes. Scenes of my young years were warm in my mind, Visions of shadows that shine. Till one day I returned and found they were the victims of the winds of changes. The world's spinning madly, it drifts in the dark, Swings through a hollow of haze, A race around the stars, a journey through the universe ablaze with changes. Moments of magic will glow in the night, All fears of the forest are gone But when the morning breaks they're swept away by golden drops of dawn, of changes. Passions will part to a strange melody, As fires will sometimes burn cold. Like petals in the wind, we're puppets to the silver strings of souls, of changes. Our tears will be trembling, now we're somewhere else, One last cup of wine we will pour And I'll kiss you one more time, and leave you on the rolling river shores of changes. So sit by my side, come as close as the air, Share in my memories of gray; Wander in my words, dream about the pictures that I paint of changes. _________________________________________________