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The Longlease Bernese Mountain Dogs Page of Humour!






Top of the Xmas tree?


Angel on  the Tree

<click here>
Zoom In on a very Special Berner Angel at the Top of the Tree!!


And with thanks to:
Liz Bradbury in Scotland, with Roxie the bouncing Berner; Newfs Toby and Maggie; & the 7 Feline Fiends.

Song of the Bernese Mountain Dog

To the tune of "I'm Sticking with you"

(with apologies to Lou Reed and The Velvet Underground)

I'm sticking with you
'Cos I'm made out of glue
Anything that you might do
I'm gonna do too

You sat at your computer all day
And there at your feet I just lay
You were digging the weeds in the yard
So I dug just as hard


I'm sticking with you
'Cos I'm made out of glue
Anything that you might do
I'm gonna do too

Some poor dogs will end up in the auction ring
Puppies born to suffer every day
But with BARC in the hall you can do anything
And those pups
Lives will change in every way

I'll do anything for you
Anything you want me too
I'll do anything for you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you
Oohoh I'm sticking with you



With thanks to Val and Coral for these fun pics!


Lost puppy



Frogs Legs



Which came first? The Elephant or the egg?



Oh, No!



Bacon Rasher



SMILE!!!



With thanks to Lynnea

How to photograph a puppy

http://westernreservekc.com/chuckles.htm




With thanks to Anne Copeland

COOKING WITH DOG HAIR

"The proper way to cook with dog hair
"
by Mary E. Wolley

Do you remember how embarrassed you were the last time you had company for dinner and when they dug several dog hairs from your best gourmet effort? This is because there is a right and a wrong way to cook with dog hairs.

First, we must remember each dish calls for a different variety. If you are unfortunate enough to own only one variety, I'm sure you can come up with a friend who will be willing to lend you the proper variety of hair or you could even order a rare variety, as they are light and easy to mail. There are many dishes that are basic to most menus and these can always be spiced up with the buff variety, which are especially useful when baking biscuits, pastries and yellow cakes. The black and tan hairs go well with fall dishes, Thanksgiving turkey, mince or pumpkin pies or even yams. Black, of course is for your roasts, steaks, ribs and hearty dishes, including stews, which carry black hairs well.

Naturally chocolate color hairs will go well with most desserts, unless you serve a very light Jell-O type dessert, in which case go back to the silver buff. If you are especially interested in foreign foods, most varieties can be used in Mexican, Japanese and Chinese cooking. In fact, any nationality food will accept most dog hairs without hurting the flavor.

A good rule of thumb to remember which dog hairs go with which dish is--use them as you would a good wine--white wine and light hair with the delicate dishes, dark wine and dark hair with the more robust, heartier dishes. For a special touch to finish your meal with a flourish, add the long-forgotten finger bowls with a few hairs of assorted colors floating in them. Your guests will be astounded, and so appreciative of your unexpected elegance!




With many thanks to Judy Fender.


Going to take me longer to write my e-mails now - darn cat!!!!!!"


DARN CAT!!!!



And with thanks to Coral and David Denis

One Dog Is Not Trouble
And Two Are So Funny
The Third One Is Easy,
The Fourth One's A Honey
The Fifth Is Delightful,
The Sixth One's A Breeze
You Find You Can Live
With A Housefull With Ease
So How 'Bout Another?
Would You Really Dare?
They're Really Quite Easy
But Oh Lord, The Hair!
With Dogs On The Sofa
And Dogs On The Bed
And Crates In The Kitchen,
Its No Bother You Said
They're Really No Trouble,
Their Manners Are Great
What's Just One More Dog
And One More Little Crate?
The Sofa Is Hairy
The Windows Are Crusty
The Floor Is All Foootprints
The Furniture's Dusty
The Housekeeping Suffers
But What Do You Care?
Who Minds A Few Noseprints
And A Little More Hair?
So Let's Keep A Puppy,
You Can Always Find Room
And A Little More Time
For The Dust Cloth And Broom
There's Hardly A Limit
To The Dogs You Can Add
The Thought Of A Cutback
Sure Makes You Feel Sad
Each One Is Special,
So Useful, So Funny
The Food Bill Grows Larger,
You Owe The Vet Money
Your Folks Never Visit,
Few Friends Come To Stay
Except Other Dog Folks
Who Live The Same Way
Your Lawn Has Now Died
And Our Shrubs Are Dead Too
Your Weekends Are Busy,
You're Off With Your Crew
There's Dog Food And Vitamins,
Training And Shots
And Entries And Travel And Motels
Which Cost Lots
Is It Worth It You Wonder?
Are You Caught In A Trap?
Then That Favorite Comes Up
And Climbs In Your Lap
His Look Says You're Special
And You Know That You Will
Keep All The Critters
In Spite Of The Bill
Winter Is A Hassle
But The Dogs Love It True
And They Must Have Their Walks Tho'
You Are Numb And Blue
Late Evening Is Awful,
You Scream And You Shout
At The Dogs On The Sofa
Who Refuse To Go Out
The Whole Thing Seems Worth It,
The Dogs Are Your Life
They're Charming And Funny
And Offset The Strife
Your Lifestyle Has Changed,
Things Just Won't Be The Same
Yes Those Dogs Are Addictive
And So's The Dog Game!

Author Unknown





Letter to our Dogs

With many thanks to Marie


"Dear Dogs:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
"




Canine Commandments

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. -

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose in her bottom.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom &Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.







Many thanks to Willem Wijnberg for this one.
Be patient, this one's a video clip and may take a while to upload fully for the action if you are not on BroadBand.
Take a look at the rest of the page and come back.
Even better, if it still hasn't loaded, go get a large glass of your favourite brew!
And then enjoy!!


"A Pat on the Back!!

A Pat on the Back



Also, with big thanks to Judy Fender, if you have Windows Media Player or similar software, here is a very funny video clip of Tyson skateboarding, will take longer to upload but worth it!:-))
You need to click on the link here

http://bernese.biz./graphics/tysonskating.wmv


And with thanks to Coral and David Dennis for yet another very funny video clip
"Those Darn Goldens"
Click on the link here:

http://bernese.biz/graphics/DarnGoldens.wmv




......and to Herb Baker for this one!:-))

Magnets?



How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
(Many thanks to a lot of you, this is a favourite!)

DEPENDS ON THE DOG:

Golden Retriever - The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb.

Border Collie - Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code and repaint the wall where you scuffed it in the dark, before moving on to the plumbing.

Dachshund - You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler - Make me.

Boxer - Who cares? I can play with my squeaky toy in the dark.

Lab. - Oh, me, me!!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeze, please, please, please pick me!

German Shepherd - I'll change it as soon as I've led everyone from the dark room, made sure no one was hurt, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the dark situation.

Jack Russell - I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog - Light bulb? I don't see a light bulb, I don't see a lamp. Where am I? Where are you?

Cocker Spaniel - Why change it? If I pee on the carpet in the dark, I won't get caught till you step in it.

Chihuahua - Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer - I see it, there it is, there it is ..... right there......

Greyhound - It isn't moving..... Who cares?

Australian Shepherd - First, let me put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle - I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

THE PARROT - Shhhh! Now that it's dark, its my nap time.

THE CAT - Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS
...........CATS HAVE STAFF.




With many thanks to Herb Baker

Only in America

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably ... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....... What did you expect?



Misunderstanding!


Misunderstanding!




For more Longlease Bernese Mountain Dogs Humour
Page 3 <click here>

Page 4 <click here>




*Samson's Story. *My Gang .* Sunny,Simmy&Barney,* Friend's Gallery.*
*In Loving Memory*Links. *Humour. *Guestbook. * BerneseArt*

*Articles & Info, *Berner Shop *Recent Updates*

*Longlease Home Page*