Mercuria: Oh, lovely, a plagiarist.
Aila: Hem hem, dear.
Ariadne: We prefer the term "morally confused."
Title: The Unofficial College of Harry Potter
Fandom: Harry Potter
Mercuria: University ... college. University. College. Difference?
Aila: Ah, but colleges don't have to give out master's degrees!
Ariadne: *blink* Oh. All good, then.
A/N:
This story is entirely unofficial.
Aila: You don't say?
This means that although it is a spin off of OFUM,
Mercuria: Spin, rip, same difference.
and all the other wonderful creations that work has sparked,
Aila: How sweet of her. How terribly sweet.
it is not in any way authorised by Camilla Sandman, unfortunately.
Ariadne: Aha! We have her! *heroic pose*
Aila: *bitter* Do we really?
This is a disclaimer,
Mercuria: "Wherein I absolve myself of all wrongdoing by batting my eyelashes look ain't I CUTE?"
to state I am fully aware I am creating this with a Harry Potter University already in place.
Ariadne: *smirk* "And that I, being sound in mind and body ..."
Thus, I shall edit my set up.
All: Wait, what?
(Reason as to why I write this with full understanding that it's wrong
Ariadne: Yes, I'm interested in hearing that one.
is that I had so many ideas,
Mercuria: *concerned* Don't hurt yourself!
and so many grievances against Harry Potter writers,
Aila: Yeah, and they'll all be simply dying to take lessons from a plagiarist.
that I wanted to write this. Apologies to Meir Bryn)
Ariadne: Wow, a mini-Brin ... way to go!
Mercuria: It's nice to see that she cares so very much.
The Unofficial College of Harry Potter begins now.
Mercuria: *shrieking* Now?!
Ariadne: DUCK AND COVER!
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Everyone pauses.
Aila: *weakly* Oh ... false alarm.
* ~ * ~
Mercuria: What the hell are these things FOR, anyway?
Sara sat back in her chair,
Ariadne: Until it toppled over.
Mercuria: "La la la ... wh-WHOA!" *crash*
contemplating dreamily her next move.
Aila: Knight to E5!
Was her new piece to be Harry/Draco,
Mercuria: Hey, wait ... THAT'S not a chess piece.
Aila: *sigh* Sure, give the slashers a bad name.
or Harry/Snape?
Mercuria: BACK, DEMON!
Of course, she'd have to skimp over the little problem of the 'battle',
Ariadne: Which is SO little that, canonically, it doesn't exist.
but a little author's note, 'Battle happened. People died. Voldemort gone' would take care of that.
Ariadne: *shrug* Merc writes *her* stories that way.
Mercuria: *chipper* That's rig- hey, waitaminute ...
Her roommate snored softly in the background,
Ariadne: Unaware that Sara was plotting an attempt on her LIFE.
as the clock on the corner of the screen blinked at her. Two thirty.
Aila: *rolling eyes* At least stay up late PARTYING or something with some semblance of coolness.
Ariadne: Yeah, because MSTing is REALLY cool.
Aila: Shut up.
Sara readied her fingers over the keys, flexing them a little.
Mercuria: "This is the big one, guys ..."
A little male pregnancy, a little angst-
Aila: For example, me angsting over having to read about male pregnancy.
It was what people wanted, after all,
Mercuria: "Yeah, um, I don't actually KNOW that for a fact, but hey! People like blood sausage; they'll go for anything!"
and reviews were what Sara wanted.
Ariadne: I had no idea that fanwriters were so coldly calculating.
Aila: Can they even add?
It all balanced.
Mercuria: *ominous* You have disrupted the BALANCE!
Besides, no one would think she was JK anyway,
Mercuria: Some people might.
Ariadne: "OMG, like, JKR posts on ffnet LOL!!!!"
so where was the harm?
Aila: I'm sensing some of the author's sublimated issues coming through here.
Mercuria: *sarcasm* Oh, don't be SILLY. She doesn't mention Miss Cam, does she? It's perfectly legit!
She began typing in the first sentence, then frowned,
Ariadne: "Which one is the shift key?"
as the page began to scroll down, lines of text appearing out of thin air as she watched with disbelieving eyes.
Aila: This could explain why some fanfiction is so bad.
Mercuria: The authors just sit there and watch it happen!
There was a small 'pop' from behind her,
Mercuria: "Reach fer the SKY ..."
and Sara turned around. A rather disgruntled woman stood there,
Ariadne: I find that I can really identify with this character.
dusting off her robes, tucking a slim rod
Ariadne: O.o
of wood
Mercuria and Aila chuckle.
Mercuria: Ha! We're CORRUPTING you.
into a pocket on the inside.
Mercuria: *confused* ... Of her robes?
"They never tell you
Ariadne: That it's ALWAYS the quiet ones.
what Apparating on a full stomach feels like,"
Aila: I'd sort of assumed that it would be much like Apparating on an empty stomach.
Mercuria: Fool! She is TEH F ANDOM G0DDEZZ!!
she muttered to herself, pulling out a
Ariadne: Gun!
Mercuria: EEK!
clipboard. Sara frowned, a little puzzled.
Aila: But only a little bit. After all, it was only a RANDOM STRANGER IN HER BEDROOM.
Was she drunk? She'd produced some of her stuff drunk, but this was a little crazy, even for her.
Mercuria: *rolls eyes* Say it with me, people: Alcohol is not a hallucinogen.
Her original characters were normally
Ariadne: Behind bars.
beautiful, but this woman certainly wasn't.
Aila: Oh, the little darling is being so self-deprecating!
Her brown hair was scraped back in a knot,
Mercuria: Scraped?
Ariadne: Maybe her hair is really brittle and ... uh ... coarse?
and glasses perched on her nose.
Ariadne: "Until they flew away."
Mercuria: Excuse ME. Maybe she thinks glasses make people ugly, but that's just because she's never met me.
Aila: Yes, dear, we all simply adore your lovely glasses.
"Who are you?' Sara asked finally, going with a feeling that this woman
Mercuria: Was her One True Love! *swoon*
wasn't a break in to steal her computer.
Ariadne: "I no speaks English good!"
Aila: So she had a "feeling" that this woman wasn't going to rob her? We have a word for that, sweetheart. It's "STUPID."
The woman sighed, and produced a quill pen.
Ariadne: Lovingly manufactured right on the spot.
"It's more a question of
Mercuria: "What am I smoking?"
who you are," she said bluntly. "Sara Brennan, correct?"
Mercuria: No, this is Sara Brennan.
Aila: *looks at main website* Ironically enough, Ms. Brennan specializes in cases involving intellectual property, trademarks, and copyrights.
Sara nodded, dumbly,
Ariadne: *as Sara* Duh ... wha?
as the woman made a small check on her clipboard.
Aila: "I declare you ... Unsalvageable!"
She tucked it away briskly, and folded her arms.
Mercuria: Yay, origami!
"I am Miss A,
Aila: As in "anal"?
Ariadne: Or maybe "anathema."
from the Unofficial College of Harry Potter,
The girls throw popcorn at the screen.
here to invite you to join us
Mercuria: Yeees, join the hive mind!
to undergo training in the field of Harry Potter. The application form is on the screen in front of you," she gestured.
Mercuria: Gestured? So she said it in, like, ASL?
"That is pure licence,
Aila: *confused* Oh ... right.
as magic doesn't normally work around electronics,
Ariadne: If by "normally," we mean "ever."
however, we had to take advantage of the plot holes disturbing the places somehow.
Ariadne: "And so we made up a lot of pseudo-intellectual phrasing to distract people from our screw-ups."
It made it so much easier on paperwork."
Aila: Yes, dear.
"What's the-" Sara began.
"The Unofficial College is a program,
Aila: Oh, so now she's PSYCHIC.
set up to stop fanfiction authors plaguing the internet with badly written, underdeveloped fiction.
Mercuria: Then how did this get here?
You have been selected to attend as a result of your work."
Aila: Somehow, I feel as though I've lived this before ...
Ariadne: Feh, it's the Generic OFU Spiel. Merc does it, too.
Mercuria: Hey! Mine was different! *thinks* Damn you, Ari ...
The woman smiled nastily. "Rather special effort, that.
Mercuria: Ha! She said SPECIAL!
Aila: Oh, do shut up.
A reason for hauling you in a little bit
Ariadne: "At a time."
Mercuria: In bits and pieces, you mean?
early. There's a group of you that require an extra day or so."
Aila: Because a person can learn so MUCH in a day.
Sara wasn't entirely sure she liked
Mercuria: Being tied up, blindfolded, and covered in whipped cre-
Ariadne: OKAY!
what this woman was talking about, and folded her arms defensively.
Ariadne: *as Sara, hiding behind arms* Ha, you can't get me NOW!
"What if I decide not to go?' she asked.
"You are free to do so," the woman replied serenely. The nasty smile returned. "However, it will result in
Mercuria: "Your hideous, untimely death."
a complete revoke of your rights to write.
Ariadne: *rolls eyes* Clever.
Aila: And we like to call that a "revocation" in the higher IQ bracket.
Namely, a ban on your writing of Harry Potter fanfiction, that lasts eternity.
Ariadne: Oh, don't do THAT, she'll just start writing for Lord of the Rings!
At the end of the course, you will receive your author's licence." The woman once again looked too pleased. "That's if you survive the course."
Mercuria: Of course!
Aila: *to author* I have a thesaurus for you right here, darling.
"What do I have to do?" Sara said finally,
Ariadne: "First, you must fast for ten days and nights. Then, after crawling on your belly through hot coals ..."
having briefly thought about a world without writing fanfic.
"The Twilight Zone" theme music plays.
Besides, a course on Harry Potter, how hard could it be?
And plays some more.
She'd at least read the books, which was more than some of her online friends.
Ariadne: Sad, but true.
"Just fill out the information,' the woman said calmly.
Mercuria: *as Sara* "Even my bra size?"
Ariadne: *as "the woman"* Um, uh, how did that question get on there?
"It will reach us. Arrivals occur at exactly nine oh two tomorrow morning."
Aila: If you can make it that precise, why not have them at NINE?
She smiled again. "Have a pleasant sleep, Miss Brennan."
Ariadne: "If you DARE."
There was another small 'pop'
Mercuria: *as "the woman"* Oops, there goes my glass eye again ...
and the woman disappeared. Sara blinked, then glanced at the clock on her computer.
Aila: Because when I'VE just had a run-in with the inexplicably odd, I like to see what time it is.
Two thirty.
Mercuria: Lik OMG that's what time it was B4!!11!!!
Maybe it was time to go to bed.
Ariadne: Or MAYBE it was time to run through the streets heralding the imminent Apocalypse!
She scrolled up to the top of the document, and read it,
Aila: *applauds*
filling out the form with a growing sense of bemusement.
Ariadne: Like she wasn't bemused before?
'Handle you wish to be known by?' She typed in "Sara", stunningly original, but at least it didn't contain a name of one of the characters.
Aila: Ooh. The phrasing. It hurts.
'Species?" Whatever did that mean, Sara wondered.
Ariadne: What does it mean? It means ... well, "species"!
Mercuria: *shrug* No one ever said that fangirls were bright.
Shrugging, she typed in 'human'.
Mercuria: Liar!
'Preferred 'ship?
Mercuria: The Dauntless. *grin*
(side note, be very careful here. Ramifications can occur during the course)
Ariadne: "Warning: Ramifications may occur."
Aila: Pain ...
Sara frowned, but tapped in 'Draco/Harry'.
Ariadne: So now she knows Morse Code.
Filling out the rest of the forms with an abandonment,
Ariadne: "Favorite color- green. Hair color- green. Shoe size- green."
she switched the computer off, dropped
Mercuria: Out of college to pursue a life of Harmony With Nature!
onto her bed fully clothed, and fell asleep.
Aila: Well, she's recovered from the shock rather well, I think.
She awoke in a large hallway, lying on stone flagons.
Ariadne: On ... flagons. The hell?
Mercuria: Somebody forgot to clean up after the frat party.
Sara sat up, puzzled. Where was she?
Mercuria: In HELL.
Ariadne: Or Ohio.
Mercuria: *blink* There's a difference?
A familiar figure walked towards her, with a satisfied smile on their face.
Mercuria: *bites lip* I'm going to resist ...
Aila: Well that's a first.
"Welcome," Miss A greeted Sara, "To Hogwarts."
Ariadne: *as Sara* It's only a model.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Mercuria: What is WITH the squiggles? You think you and your squiggles are too damn GOOD for the rest of us? Is that it?!
Aila: Breathe.
A/N:
All those of you wishing to apply to the Unofficial College,
Ariadne: You've gotta love this concept, really ... just think of the implications.
Mercuria: Yeah, like, "I'm publishing a book about a Tibboh named Fredo from the Shore ... but the Tolkien Estate KNOWS it's a rip-off, so it's okay!"
please submit a request to my email in my profile page.
Aila: *evil glint in eyes* Ah, her email address ... you don't say.
Ariadne: How about her zip code?
I will send out forms within two weeks.
Mercuria: She's sending US forms? Not the other way around?
Hopefully, there will be enough students to continue.
Everyone laughs heartily.
Next time in the UCOHP,
Mercuria: Uh-co-hup!
course introduction and the teaching staff.
Aila: *sniff* Well, I hope she gets what's coming to her.
Ariadne: Heart complications? No. But her story HAS been deleted.
Mercuria: YES.
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