[Fade in. The crowd waits patiently at the church. It’s obvious which side is for whom, as the right side is packed with kindly looking family people, while the left side is crowded with muscular behemoths and tantalizingly sexy women. At the back of the church, Ktulu is pacing back and forth in a nice black tuxedo. Standing with him in Markus King, his Best Man.]
Ktulu: Hummina hummina hummina. Aww geez, this is scary.
King: Dude, ya just gotta calm down. This is the best day of your life, man! Alright, you ready?
Ktulu: No!!
King: Alright… uh, let’s see… ah, here we go!
[King opens a tabernacle and pulls a glass bottle of Communion wine. He opens the top and hands it to Ktulu, who takes a big gulp.]
King: Better?
Ktulu: *burp* Yeah man. Whooo… oh great, it’s time we got out there. Hey, how come I don’t get all the music and special entrance?
King: Don’t worry about it dude. Breath in…. breath out… breath in… hey, remember when you used to talk to that Squirtle doll that was possessed by Satan?! That was cool!!
Ktulu: Aww geez, don’t remind me. Let’s get going.
[Ktulu and King make their way down the aisle. Already standing at the front is Donny the armless kid, the ring pillow tied around his head. Cameras from both sides begin flashing. The camera pans around to get a shot from the front of the church, getting use a good shot of the left side where Ktulu’s guest are seated.]
[Seated in the front row right next to the main aisle is Mr. Bill Scorpane, president of IRW, Ktulu’s first fed. In the same row sit fellow IRW members ManDeep the Great, Al Weapon, Inferno, Col. Pain, and Ktulu’s old S.H.I.T stablemates Krymson von Mittgard, Howie Feltersnatch, and Haus Hoffer Goerring.]
[Behind them sit GCW’s Jarek Magnum, along with his girlfriend Allison, Ktulu’s old friends Captain Strong and Ugandan Jiant Kamala, NEO’s owner Wallace Storm, E-Pro star November, and GWC/MPW’s own Roscoe Riggins.]
[In the next row are many GCW superstars, including Klaus, Wehrmacht, Moonbeam (who sports a really flashy tye-dye tuxedo), Zion, Ryp Fandango, Jason Meldon, Wild Cat Sibera, Lynx, and President Brad Thomas.]
[Finally come Psicopa, Matt Saunders, Thad, Mark Davenport, Leroy Hayden, Tim Williams, Hans Butahn, “Burning Desire” Reid Powers, Gran Inkei, and Mushi Mushi Kamiya.]
Ktulu: Wow… this place is pretty big. How am I doing?
King: Well, your vein is sticking out of your forehead.
Ktulu: Huh?!
King : Kidding, man, just kidding. Your face looks whiter than paint, though. Calm down.
[Just then, the organist begins playing Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus”, the classic wedding song. Everyone stands and looks to back as a very young girl, no more than 5, walks down while sprinkling flower petals everywhere. The bridesmaids process out together, bringing more camera flashes from the guests. Ktulu, however, is biting his lower lips and pressing his legs together.]
Ktulu: Markus… Markus…
King: Shhh! Dude, what is it?
Ktulu: I… gotta pee!
King: Aww dude! No dude, not now! C’mon man, you can’t just stop everything now! You just gotta hold it.
[The crowd oohs and aahs as Ktulu slowly waddles around in a circle until he’s facing the entrance. The last of the bridesmaids take their places, and behind them comes Heather Caulfield in a gorgeous white wedding dress, being brought down the aisle by her father Roger Caulfield. Ktulu quickly looks back at the priest.]
Ktulu: Yo Father! Hey, uh, I gotta go real real REAL bad, so can we just skip right to the good part?
Father: Come now, this is quite a memorable day for you, Enjoy it in the entirety it was meant to be celebrated in.
Ktulu:…. Huh?
Father: No dice.
Ktulu: Darn.
[As Roger and Heather reach the altar steps, Roger stops and smiles as Heather continues on. Ktulu continues to bite his lip as his eyes grow wide while Heather steps up next to him.]
Priest: We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of these two young people. Christopher James Mason, and Heather Jean Caulfield.
[Priest continues inaudibly as we fade over to later in the ceremony. Heather’s smile is lightly visible behind her veil, while Ktulu’s lower lip is buried under his top and he looks like he’s about to pass out.]
Priest: Do you, Christopher James Mason, take this woman to be your wife? To hold in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live, till death do thee part?
Ktulu (somewhat breathless): *whimpers* I do…
Priest: And do you, Heather Jean Caulfield, take this man to be your husband? To hold in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, so long as you both shall live, till death do thee part?
Heather: Absolutely. I do.
Priest: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. Chris…
Ktulu: Yeah, what’s up dude?
Priest: You may kiss the bride.
Ktulu: For real?! Cool!
[Ktulu pulls back Heather’s veil. The two stare into each other’s eyes and smile before embracing with a long kiss. The guests all begin applauding, with Kamala giving some Arsenio Hall dog woofs. The guests quickly head outside, and Ktulu and Heather follow. Everyone tosses rice at the two, and Moonbeam grabs as much of it as he can and eats it, clearly being stoned even at this event. The newlywed couple wave to their guests before stepping into a white stretch limo. The limo pulls out of the church lot and takes off down the street.]
Well the wedding has come and gone! Now, for the REAL fun, go read the reception! LOTS of crazy stuff happens here!
