Ktulu's Fun Shit and Stuff
[Welcome friends. It's a rather tasteless place we open in. A black backdrop and two office chairs. Hey, at least they recline. In on chair is a short, somewhat scrawny man in his early 30's. Wavy blond hair, thin glasses, and a somewhat lax outfit of tan khakis, a dress shirt with no tie and the collar unbuttoned, and a generic jacket. He is Brian Simms.]
[In the other chair is a somewhat disheveled figure. Only twenty-four years old, his hair is dyed platinum-silver. His eyes are hazel green, and two thin red scars run near his left eye. Wearing dark blue jeans, a very dark red undershirt, and a black silk vest. This is Ktulu.]
BS: Hello fans. Today, we're here with Ktulu. He's one of the wrestling world's most famous and infamous workers, and today he's here to let all his mysteries out.
K: Yeah, I guess.
BS: Now Ktulu, your real name was Chris Mason, now Chris Caulfield after your wedding. Why exactly did you change your last name?
K: Quite honestly, the "Mason" name reminds me off my childhood. Yes, it seems like your usual sob story about someone having a miserable, friendless childhood, but until you've actually lived that life, you can't understand or commiserate.
BS: I see. Well, you've been wrestling for what, three or four years now? Why don't you tell us about your first match in the big leagues.
K: Alright. My first big time match was in IRW. I was completely green and felt I could take on anyone. Well Chain Man, who was IRW's really nasty brawler of a man, laid down an open challenge to a hardcore match. Well, I accepted and got an ass-kicking.
BS: Ah, so you lost.
K: Incredibly, no. I won. I must have gotten him in just the right spot when I hit him with a pipe, because he was bleeding really bad. I'm talking like a river. He had laid me out with the Doomsday Clothesline, but he ended up passing out from blood loss and I pinned him. Certainly not an enviable way to get your first victory, but I took what I could get.
BS: How long were you with IRW?
K: Until it's many bitter ends. During my first stint, we shut down due to our TV deal being cancelled. It was frustrating, but then the president Bill Scorpane let us know months later that we were back! I was teaming with this German guy named Krymson at the time, and we were the Super Human Insane Terminators, or S.H.I.T for short.
BS: S.H.I.T?
K: Yep. The name sounds goofy, but we were awesome. I had the speed, he had the strength, and we had the tag team titles for a long time. But again we got cancelled due to low ratings. It was the station's fault, man! Our weekly show was aired at 1 AM! But shit happens, ya know?
BS: Whatever happened to Krymson von Mittgard anyway? Do you two keep in touch at all?
K: Well we were both in MPW. Anyway, at the last show ever, there was this insane battle royal where EVERYONE in the fed was involved, and it was for the World Title. Well Krymson took this really... god, it was brutal. This guy Dragonstar gave him a sitting splash with a chair, right into the ribs. Krymson was coughing up blood backstage, he couldn't breath, he was just a real mess. He's back home in Germany for as much as I know. I haven't talked to him in about two years.
BS: Well we've seen many sides of you. First you were a very dark and ominous personality. But then for about two-and-a-half years, we saw this very very playful side of you. You were always laughing, smiling, joking, and seemed high on life. What was that time like?
K: It was wonderful. I had just met Heather, and I felt better than I had in my entire life. Trust me, I had some REALLY bizarre adventures then.
BS: You mean like your infamous "possessed Pokemon" doll and your obsession with Dance Dance Revolution, anime, and doppleganges?
K: Yep, that's right. The Pokemon thing happened very early in my new life. Basically, I was still making the transition from being cruel to being cool.
BS: Did you hear voices in your head or something?
K: Aw yeah! Absolutely, and I still do. Some of it comes from past memories, which I can't do anything about. But others come from when I was into drugs, and that's something I can't justify. But yeah, I thought my Squirtle doll was possessed by Satan. I heard it telling me to go out at night and put people's hands in a dish of warm water.
BS:.... oh boy. That's really, really bizarre, to say the least.
K: Man, you ain't kiddin'!
BS: Well during this time, you referred to peopl with a number of rather colorful phrases such as "clapnad" and "Mr. Blowballs." Umm, where did you come up with these crazy names?
K: Well I have to be fair. I cannot claim that "clapnad" and "jugglenuts" were my own creations, for they came from the mind of IRW President Bill Scorpane.
BS: I see... well after IRW's last closing and the subsequent fallout of Tim Williams' Mega Pro Wrestling, you were out of work for a while there, weren' you.
K: Yeah, and that bothered me. Had it been just me, I wouldn't have been as upset. However, I now had Heather to take of too, so I looked high and low for any place that'd hire me. Luckily, I caught a VERY VERY lucky break.
BS: You mean E-Pro?
K: Absolutely! E-Pro was an incredible experience! I had been used to working with guys who mostly utilized American and Canadian disciplines in the ring, and it wasn't fun or challenging anymore. The superstars of E-Pro were bar none THE greatest people I've ever worked with.
BS: Some people say that this is where you were at your finest. Would you agree with that, or do you feel as though a different era was your strongest?
K: No, I'd have to agree. When you came to an E-Pro show, you knew there would be action. We had a magnificet array of talent, but some guys only stayed for a short time, so long-term members were not as plentiful as we would have liked.
BS: And that fact made you turn your work up a notch?
K: Oh absolutely! I was one of the few guys who was there from Day One until the bitter end. I, along with Azrael Ravanell and Ran Jishu, were the epitome of what E-Pro was all about. However, I guess I kinda had some bad luck in that my big feud was with White Tiger. He really didn't do much, and thus our rivalry didn't live up to its potential.
BS: At Dragon Climax, you became E-Pro's innaugural Western Champion, as well as the first Eastern/Western Champio. What was that like?
K: A thrill! Finally, someone was paying me for my hard work. When we all met backstage to talk about the evening's show, everyone was psyched. Well anyway, when I was told that the belts were being put on me, I was shocked.
BS: Shocked?
K: Well yeah. See, the four guys in the scene for those belts were White Tiger, Romeo, Ricardo Powell, and myself. Tiger had the glitz, Romeo had the evil streak, and Powell had the ultimate babyface character. Meanwhile, here's me, just some guy without regular wrestling attire, an ordinary girlfriend, and a kendo stick. But hey, I guess I showed them enough reason to give me the chance to run with the ball.
BS: Well when E-Pro closed, you were struggling for work.
K: Yeah. You have to understand that E-Pro was my first taste or true, absolute greatness. These guys worked harder, trained longer, and progressed faster than I thought anyone could. After being such a high-level player in a place like E-Pro like I was, most other places were pretty much a waste. The guys wanted it, but they were a far cry from E-Pro's talent.
BS: Tell us about when you finally proposed to Heather.
K: [chuckles] Ah yes, easily the second-happiest day of my life, right behind my wedding day. It was at Global Championship Wrestling's pay-per-view "Destiny." I won this battle royal ladder match to become number one contender, but I had worked something out with the president Cyrus Williams so that I could make the proposal.
BS: Did you choke on your words like all those times in E-Pro?
K: No man, this time I was so confident that it all came out perfectly. As you know, Heather said "yes," and the rest is history.
BS: I understand the reception was rather... well, eventful, to say the least.
K: [laughs] You aren't kidding! I guess some of the guys had too much to drink or something, but there was a French bread duel, a German-style beatdown, the Bee Gees, and my ferret got loose and stole the bouquet.
BS: You mean Hannibal?
K: Yup! My one and only ferret.
BS: Well while we're on the topic of "Hannibal,"... would you care to explain the whole NEO "Rebirth" debacle?
K: Oy... alright, I guess fair is fair. I guess I'll have to start at the beginning. See, when I first came to NEO, they were having this massive influx of new talent. So the Alberta TV Title was made. I guess you could compare to WWE's Hardcore Title.
BS: How so?
K: It was for guys who needed to make their names known. Hardcore rules, ten-minute time limit, no real stories being built around it. It was really the working man's title. Well President Wallace Storm said there would be eight of us going for it. Just like the E-Pro Eastern/Western Titles deal, when I found out I was the winner, I was ecstatic.
BS: NEO was giving you a chance to make your name known there as well?
K: Yeah, and it was great. The belt suited me perfectly. See in NEO, we don't have a creative team. All that is actually left up to us ourselves. So rather than working with someone whom I have no clue about, I got to do what I love most: just go out and compete.
BS: On what was to be NEO's last show during that run, you lost the title to "Vicious" Vic Valiant. Then a few months later, Storm contacted you and told you NEO was reopening, right?
K: Yep, pretty much. I was a little hesitant, but I decided I'd go back since I loved the regular competition there. This time though... well, Wallace was a bit of a fucker this time around.
BS: A "fucker"? Sounds like you and he didn't see eye-to-eye too much.
K: No, not at all. First, he wanted me to feud with Azrael Abaddon, who was nothing but an inferior carbon copy of me. He had the ominous name, about the same height and weight as me, and the insanely-happy jokester gimmick I had. Fact of the matter is, he was nowhere near as good as I was. When I finally gave into to Storm's persistence, I find out Az is out!
BS: So you aimed for the Pacific Championship after that?
K:Yep. We had a royal rumble match. There was this newcomer Hannibal Carver who was doing alright for himself, and he was in too. I could tell Storm had some extra effection for Carver, but I didn't think he'd let it become too crazy. But lo and behold, he decided to put NEO's second-highest title on a greenhorn. I was a little upset that, after proving myself by defending the Alberta Title every week for three months, I was overlooked for a newbie. But shit happens, ya know?
BS: Well then wha?
K: Through no desire of my own, Stom forced me into a feud with Carver. I didn't want to do it, I just wanted to go out and wrestle someone new everyweek. Storm wasn't having it, and he wanted my newlywed wife Heather to be part of the story. This really pissed me off, ya know? It wasn't like when she was wrestling against Lowry and Lolita Love. She was gonna get thrown by a man who was a lot bigger and a lot stronger than those women, but Storm didn't give a shit. Carver was his golden boy, and everything had to be done to make Carver look like God.
BS: Do you have any resentment towards Carver for it?
K: None. He was just doing what he was told. Needless to say it was easier for him, since he was getting all the glory despite being a NEO newbie.
BS: So what happened at "Rebirth?"
K: Again, we don't have a creative team. Carver and I were left to make a good story, and he slacked off. He certainly had the talent, but everytime I asked him about something he just said "whatever" or "OK". Never once did he contribute any ideas, even when I asked him too.
BS: Do you think Carver knew of any favortism being showed to him by Wallace Storm?
K: Hell, I KNOW he did! He told me himself! See Carver actually runs a fed of his own, and Storm himself was a member. Well, Carver told me about how Storm flaked out at a vital moment, and he was certain Storm was making up for it by givig him the Pac Title and all these incredibe wins.
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