Once upon a time, there was a very babelicious bishonen called Trowa. Anyway, he had a very stupid nickname. He was nicknamed 'Unilocks' because he had a unibang that nobody in the world has and one that was pointy and all that and how he managed to get it to look like that was one of life's mysteries.
Duo: What do you mean one of life's mysteries? D-U-H. I tell you, he uses his secret stash of hair gel to get that kinda hair.
Trowa: Actually, I don't have a secret stash of hair gel.
Duo: OK, you use hair mousse or hair sprays then.
Trowa: I don't use those stuff either.
Duo: *thinks for awhile* I know! You put sperm on your hair like that idiot in 'There's Something About Mary'!! Hey, who wants to know that Trowa puts sperm on his hair! I wonder who's sperm he uses...
Wufei: Maxwell!! *gets a nosebleed and faints*
Duo: So who's sperm is it, huh, Tro-man?
Quatre: *blushes* Trowaaaaa!!!
Blue Violet: Waaahhh!! What are you guys doing! You're ruining the story! I will not allow any hentainess in a fairy tale!!!
Duo: But this is just a parody!
Blue Violet: Just do as I say! I'm the director here!
Duo: I thought you were only the writer..
So anyway, one day Unilocks was um, prancing around in the forest to pick some flowers. He came upon a field of all the pretty little flowers that came in many flowers. But what caught his eye was the cluster of' blue wildflowers that twinkled like flower-shaped sapphires with drops of dew on the petals.
Not far away from where Unilocks was, there was a small cottage that belonged to three bears. They were Papa Heero, Mama Duo and Baby Wuffie.
Wufei: Kisama! It's Wufei and not Wuffie you baka onna and I refuse to be the baby bear!!
Duo: *grumbles* Why do we always have to get the stupid parts? And this bear costume is so tacky!
Blue Violet: If you wanna complain about the costumes, don't complain to me. I'm not in charge in that department.
Duo: Aaaaiiieeee!!! There are fleas on this costume!
Heero: Duo, just pick the fleas and eat them.
Blue Violet: Oooo. Heero spoke more than his limit of three words per day! Congratulations!
Heero: Omae o korosu. *whips out a gun*
Blue Violet: Eep! OK, OK, let's get back to the story.
Well, as the mother of the family, Mama Duo had to be the official chef even though he couldn't cook very well and was a hazard to kitchens all over the world. Oh, the poor kitchen in that little cottage.. the walls and ceilings were charred and all the pots had dents and... you get the picture. Anyhow, that morning Mama Duo made three bowls of porridge like he always did.
But of course, like always he made the porridge till it nearly got burnt so they had to wait for it to cool down before they could eat it. So, while they waited for the porridge to cool down, the three bears would always go out into the forest for a little walk that took preferably about an hour or so cos it took a long time for the porridge to cool down.
So the bears went out for their ritual morning walk and the little cottage were empty and who happened to stumble across it but the babelicious Unilocks? Unilocks was too engrossed in picking every pretty flower he saw that he didn't realize that he had ventured too far into the forest and had gotten lost. When he saw the little cottage, he was relieved because he thought that there might be some people living in it that could help him get out of the forest.
Unilocks rapped at the door twice with his knuckles but nobody anwered. He knocked a bit harder than just now but still there was no answer. Thinking that the occupants might be deaf or something, he cautiously opened the door which was unlocked and stepped inside. "Hello? Anybody home?"
There was no answer.
Thinking that the cottage must be abandoned, he entered inside. He saw cobwebs and dust all over the place and he confirmed his thoughts that the cottage was really abandoned. (Blue Violet: See. That's what happens when you don't clean your house. Duo: Hey!!)
Unilocks wandered around the place. He walked into the kitchen and was bewildered to find three bowls of steaming porridge sitting on the dining table. He had thought that this house was abandoned, but here were three hot bowls of porridge! He was too hungry so he didn't give it a second thought and reached for the first bowl.
The first bowl was a medium sized bowl and had feather patterns on it He put a spoonful of the porridge in his mouth and jumped up and down like a total idiot, waving at his burning tongue. "Aaahhh!! This porridge is too hot!!"
He pushed the bowl away and reached for the next bowl which was the biggest bowl he ever seen. It was as big as a bucket and it was black. He tasted it and jumped like an idiot again as he waved at his sore tongue. "Aaahhh!!! Still too hot!!" Then he ditched the bowl away.
The third bowl was the smallest bowl and had intricate patterns of green Chinese dragons painted on it. He tasted the porridge with caution and was happy when he realized that it tasted just right and wasn't too hot or too cold. He practically devoured the whole thing along with the bowl in two seconds flat.
Duo: How come my bowl is the biggest bowl? I thought the Papa Bear was supposed to have the biggest one! And how come it's as big as a bucket.
Blue Violet: Well, that's cos you have a giant appetite.
Wufei: *mutters* And the fact that he eats like a pig..
Duo: I heard that!
Quatre: Aren't I going to act in this story? *looks forlorn*
Blue Violet: Aww.. don't worry, I promise you you'll get to act.
Quatre: *frowns* But I don't see how. In the Goldilocks story there are only four characters: Goldilocks and the three bears.
Blue Violet: This isn't the Goldilocks story! This is the Unilocks story and as the writer I can write it anyway I want! Just wait till you turn comes.
Duo: *mutters* Hmmph. She's only nice to Quatre because he's her favourite pilot.
Blue Violet: You're my fave pilot, too!
Wufei: Injustice! There is no moral in this world! The world is not fair! I am the most honourable pilot, why am I not the favourite?!
Heero: Hn. It figures that she would choose somebody like Quatre. Because Quatre wears pink and cos she likes pink.
Blue Violet and Quatre: That's the stupidest reason in the entire world!!
After that, Unilocks headed towards the living room where he may rest after filling his tummy. He headed towards the living room where there were three rattan chairs and he sat on the first chair and the seat was so hard, and uncomfortable so next he sat on the second chair but it was still too hard. Then he sat on the last chair which also happened to be the littlest chair and it broke under his weight.
"Oh well," muttered Unilocks. "Guess I'll go and rest on the beds or something." So he went upstairs were the bedroom was.
When he went into the bedroom, he noticed that there were two beds and not three like he thought there would be. The first bed was a very big double-sized bed (ahem, and we all know who uses this bed.. ^~) and the second one was a cute little baby's cot. Trowa flung himself onto the big bed to find that the mattress was lumpy and the springs were poking into his back.
"Yeowch! Who the hell would wanna sleep on this kind of bed anyway?" muttered Unilocks to himself and thought that whoever slept on that bed either had to wear armours to bed or they probably never used it and slept on the floor. He glared at the little cot. He was feeling so damned sleepy but he didn't wanna sleep in a baby's cot. Baby cots were for babies.
Nevertheless, because he was too tired he soon fell asleep before his head even reached the cot and he slept in that cramped little cot peacefully like a.. well, like a baby. And while Unilocks slept, dead to the world, the three occupants of the house just happened to reach home in time for their late morning breakfast of porridge.
Well, the first thing the three bears did when they entered their humble little abode was to head right away towards the kitchen. So then they sat down at their usual seats with their bowls of porridge sitting in front of them.
Papa Heero peered into his bowl and shouted, "Somebody's been eating my porridge!" Then he whipped out a gun from his furry spandex shorts and shot madly into the walls and all the while Unilocks slept.
Mama Duo peered into her, uh I meant his porridge and screeched like a rambling lunatic Relena, "Some f**cking asshole's been eating my porridge! Shinigami would take them to hell just for that!!" Then she, uh I meant he grabbed a big fork (cos bears don't own scythes) and swung it about as a real Shinigami would.
Next, Baby Wuffie peered into his little bowl with the dragons and saw.. that it was completely empty. "Waaahhhh!! This is injustice! Why is it that I'm the only one who ends up with all the injustice in this world?!" Baby Wuffie rambled on and on about justice and all that stuff which was just amazing, considering that he was only a baby. And a bear at that.
Wufei: It's WuFEI Onna not WuFFIE!! How many times do I have to tell you that? This story is a disgrace to honourable people such as I.
Duo: Yeah! Wuffie, oh ok, Wufei's right! How dare you make me, the God of Death sound like a pitiful fool, swinging some stupid giant fork as if it were a scythe!?
Heero: I do NOT wear furryspandex.
Blue Violet: *sweatdrops* Uhhh.. if you have a complaint, please have a word with my manager.
Wufei, Duo & Heero: You DO NOT have a manager!!
Blue Violet: I do too! And shut up before I kill you guys!!
(BV snatches the giant fork from Duo's hand and swings it dangerously at the three complaining nosiy brats who are not grateful for the roles they are given.)
Blue Violet: If you guys aren't satisfied with your roles, next time I'll let you all become Barney the purple dinosaur!!
Wufei, Duo & Heero: No!! Anything but that!!!
OK, so then the three hungry bears trudged into the livingroom where they may sit on their chairs and mourn about their disastrous breakfast. Papa Heero sat on his chair and shouted about somebody sitting on his chair and then shot another bullet into the wall. Next Mama Duo sat on erm, his chair and then shouted obscenities for five minutes without having to repeat the same word twice while he swung the big fork in his hand.
And then Baby Wuffie.. he couldn't even sit on his chair cos there was a BIG hole in the middle where his butt was supposed to be on and wailed and ranted about all the injustice and about evil fanficcers who cast honourably brave men like him into stupid roles in even stupider fics.
They weren't able to mourn together in the livingroom, seeing that Baby Wuffie's chair was ruined so they decided to go to their bedrooms and take a little nap. Well, I guess you all ready know what happens next but never mind, I'll just write it down anyway just to make this story longer.
Papa Heero and Mama Duo lay on their bed and jumped off it cos they knew that somebody had been sleeping on their ahem, love-bed and Papa Heero shot another bullet into the wall while Mama Duo screeched obscene words in a range of more than 153 languages. And when Baby Wuffie reached his little cot, he saw a very beautiful sleeping bishonen with the weirdest hairdo he had ever seen.
"This is injustice!!" Baby Wuffie screamed, throwing a tantrum. "First, some bozo ate my porridge. Second, some bozo smashed my chair and now third! Some bozo with weird looking hair in sleeping in my cot! This is injustice, I tell you!!"
Papa Heero and Mama Duo rushed towards the wailing Baby Wuffie and they were also surprised to see somebody with funny looking hair crammed into the little cot like sardines in a can and with all the commotion going on, Unilocks woke up. And man, he saw three weird bears, one wearing furry spandex and wielding a gun, the second one holding an incredibly big and scary looking fork and the third one ranting on and on about justice.
So what did Unilocks do? He ran of course. Ran like hell. Well, didn't your parents ever tell you not to get close to strangers? Especially weird looking critters like those three in that dusty, cobwebby house. No? Then listen to my advice. Stay away from weird strangers especially if they happened to be wearing furry spandex, weilding dangerous weapons like guns and big, scary forks, and if they rant about justice.
Unilocks ran and ran and ran and ran and finally he got lost. Again. Must be a very bad thing for the poor fella, huh? Especially when he happened to come across another small cottage. Only this one looked much nicer and had pretty flowers planted in the garden. He decided that the occupant of the house wouldn't be as bad as the ones before so he stepped into the house without looking and..
He saw the most astounding thing in the entire world. It was the most beautiful scene he had ever seen. It was by far more beautiful than any weird-looking Rembrandt or Da Vinci painting that-actually-looks-as-if-it-were-painted-by-a-toddler in the whole wide world. He was greeted by the sight of blue eyes, pretty like the wild flowers he had picked, staring back at him.
"Hello, sexy," purred the pretty being wearing a sexy blue teddy as he lay seductively on the lacy bed. "I'm Quatre. What's your name?"
"I'm Trowa but people call me Unilocks," said Unilocks. Then he smiled wolfishly. "But now you can call me the Big Bad Wolf."
Then he tackled Quatre on the bed and *BEEP!* *BEEP* A big censor sign appears and covers the screen, unabling any underaged little kiddies who love reading fairy tales to find out about the birds and the bees earlier than the required age to know what in the world those stupid animals and bugs actually mean.
So.. getting lost in the forest did have it's advantages to Unilocks and he was really happy for that. And now, he is known as the Big Bad Wolf and Quatre gets to be his sexy lil' Red Riding Hood. And they lived happily ever after.
OK. I know this story isn't funny as I intended it to be. And I know it's just plain stupid and gross and weird and OOC and... did I miss anything else?
G-Boys: Yes. This fic is MORONIC!!!
Blue Violet: Shut up!! It's not my fault all my fics are stupid cos I don't even have a muse!!! Anyway, please send me your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org.
G-Boys: Don't send her any feedback!!
Wufei: *mutters* Yes. Cos if you do, this will encourage her to write even more stupid fics.
Duo: You're darn right! I mean, when is she gonna use me as the lead in her next fic anyway? It's always Quatre and Trowa who get the juicy parts.
Quatre: She likes me cos I'm a cute angel!
Trowa: *mutters* Why do I end up as a hentai??
Heero: Baka! I'll kill you for letting me wear furry spandex!! *shoots twice*
Blue Violet: Uh-oh. I think I better scram while I have the chance. Byeeee!!!