Itís funny really. I always thought of myself as a stable person, as in Iíve never wanted to kill myself. Well I guess I was wrong. I want to die. I want to slit my wrist and watch the thick red liquid seep out as I slowly lose consciousness. I want to jump off the highest building and revel in the feeling of falling. I want to put a gun in my mouth and feel the bullet drilling through the back of my throat and come out the other side. Though honestly I donít care how I go as long as Iím gone.
No one seems to notice though, which is a good thing, that way I can prepare without fear of being watched or stopped. They think that Iím as normal as the morning dew. Theyíre wrong. All of them, each and every one! They donít know the pain I go through each day. They donít know how much I hate living with myself. They donít know, but I guess theyíll find out once they find me.
I can almost see the look on their faces. Theyíll be so horrified at the sight. They wonít know what to think. Theyíll keep asking why. Why? Why? Why? Well theyíll never know why because theyíll never know me. Not even you, love. Not even you.
It hurts to think about you. It hurts to look at you. The way you act, so carefree, and even though you are in pain, you are caring in your way. Especially to me. Youíve always been kind to me. I wonder if you know how much I love you. I know how much you love me.
Youíre going to be so pained when I die. But itís for the best. After I die youíll be happy. Youíll realize what a waste of time I was and youíll forget me. Though I fear that it wonít be quick enough and I hate myself even more because I know Iíll be the cause of your newest pain. One more to add to the other trillion, huh love?
At least when I leave I wonít be a burden to you any more.
Well, Iím ready. It took me a couple of more days, but Iím done. Itís the perfect time to do it. The day is perfect everyone is busy with his own thing and wonít notice my departure. Yet I want them to be there. I want them to watch as the life drains out of my body and know they canít do anything about it. I want them to suffer like I have. What kind of person am I?
A vengeful hateful person. A person who hates himself so much that he is willing to go through the most excruciating physical pain so that he doesnít have to feel the emotional one. That is who I am. I wonder what you would think if you knew, love.
I am getting ready now. Itís quite simple really, but I want it perfect. I even have the perfect mood music. "Aseís Death". I think itís very appropriate. Oh and yes I am very aware of my insanity.
I walk to the mirror; my clothes still on the bed. I want to see myself again. One last time before I go, I want see the shell that holds this tormented soul. I kind of feel bad for my body; it deserved better than me. Iíve often been called beautiful, someone else deserves this beauty. Not me, me who has everything and yet nothing at all.
Iím still looking at myself. I watch my hair fall over my eyes as I lower my head slightly. I stare at my arms in the mirrorís reflection. I watch my hand raise itself and gently trace each and every scar on my body. Self inflicted scars. Theyíre like reminders of my insanity, imperfection and, pain. Youíd go insane if you knew about them, wouldnít you love? Youíd scream at me, call me an idiot, maybe even hit me.
I smile at the thought. Feeling your fist colliding with my face. What a new sensation! A new physical pain. Now I want to try it, I wonder about how long that incident will keep me distracted from the truth.
"Pretty little boy with golden spun hair and large innocent blue eyes." Thatís what my sister said to me once when I was little. What would you say now, sister? What would you see now in those large blue eyes you loved so much? What has replaced the innocence, please tell me dear sister I want to know. Iím lost dear sister. Trowa, love, come and find me.
I laugh and twirl around the room, like this is some sort of sick game. Ring around the rosie; pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes we all fall down. I used to love watching the little girls playing that game. Iíve been fascinated by the irony of the game. Their happy little song being one that represented the plague and all. I miss that innocence. I wonder where mine went.
"Where are you innocence?" I ask looking around the room. I bend over and look under the bed. "Why are you hiding from me? Can you hear me?" I walk towards the closet and look inside, now completely gone in my insane little game. "I need you, Iím lost. Help me."
I begin to laugh again and walk towards the bed where my clothes lay. I pick them up and look at them. Finest material money could buy, newest fashion, the clothes of a rich person. Clothes that shouldnít be worn by the poor and dirty. Then why do I have them?
I dress and I walk back to the mirror looking at myself. I do a little spin as if showing the room my new clothes. As always I look perfect, not a hair out of place. I wonder what it feels like to be dead. Will I miss this body? I canít wait to find out.
The music drifts through out the room; some how I feel less depressed listening to it. It will be nice to leave this world to that song. I raise the volume to the max and step outside through the window. The wind blows, ruffling my hair and making me lose balance for a second. I look around. I can see figures that might be my friends in the distance. I smile; wonít they be surprised?
My thoughts turn back to you love. Your hair, your eyes, your smile, the smile you give only me. A smile I donít deserve, but accept none the less. A smile I wonít be infecting any longer, if that even makes any sense.
I move closer to the edge, releasing my grip on the window and look down. The drop wonít kill me, Iím stronger than that. It will break some bones though, but thatís not what Iím after. Iím want the ultimate act. I want to meet death and dance with him. I want to remove his cloak and look him in the eyes, kiss his lips and ask him to take me away. No more pain, no more suffering, at least in this lifetime. Maybe the next. Oh well, Iíll just endure like before and then take my life again. Itíll become an endless cycle of pain and death.
I always feel the pain and take the punishment. I once thought that it would go away after a while. That if I just endured the pain and suffering long enough it would go away and everything would get better. I was wrong. The pain is ever present, everlasting and Iím not strong enough to take the pain anymore. Itís time to move on. When I go I wonít hear the screams any more. I wonít see the terror in their eyes any more. No more dreams of death. Iíll leave this body which reeks of death behind. Deaths that I have been responsible for.
This world has nothing to offer me anymore. Well, except for you love, but I will not act on my feelings. The feelings I know both you and I carry for each other. A feeling so strong that at times it gnaws on my heart, causing me greater grief. See love? I was right. Even you cause me pain. My greatest happiness is my greatest torture. I love you Trowa and that hurts more than anything else in this world.
The wind is blowing harder and the song is coming to its conclusion. But thatís okay. I put it on repeat. I could stand here all day and listen to that one song play all day, if that was the only thing I wanted to do.
I see you love. You and the others are coming back towards the house. I must hurry or Iíll never have another chance. Pulling out a small knife that I found in Wufeiís room, I place the edge at my throat. My breathing is shaking with excitement.
It happens so fast. With one quick movement my throat is slit and I lose balance and plummet. The pain is unbelievable but I ignore it. Iím going to die. Iím going to die. The ground is getting closer.
I watch him. His eyes full of sorrow and pain. Duoís crying. Heís been crying for days non-stop. Heero doesnít know how to console him. Wufei stands as far away as possible but still close enough to hear the words being said by Rashid. He looks horrible.
I move towards Trowa and stand near him. Heís shaking. I have the urge to wrap my arms around him and protect him, but I canít. This is all my fault. Everything I do comes out wrong. Stupid, stupid, stupid!
Afterwards the four of them stand by my grave. Duoís still crying. He's starting to cough and hiccup. Heeroís getting worried about him. Even Wufei canít keep the worry out of his eyes.
Trowa looks over at Duo then motions for Heero and Wufei to take him away. Heís so weak from crying that he can barely walk. Iím sorry Duo.
I turn back to Trowa who is now walking closer to the head stone. He bends down and stretches out a hand, tracing my name with his finger. Q.U.A.T.R.E. He stops and begins to shake violently, his butt hitting the ground hard as he falls back and hugs himself. Heís trying to fight back the tears. He hasnít cried yet, heís just been shaking continuously since they found me.
My poor, poor baby. Donít you know itís for the best? Now you can move on, now I wonít be able to taint you anymore with my imperfection. I know that youíre not perfect either, but at least I wonít add to your imperfection anymore. Youíll stop loving me soon and then youíll be even closer to the perfection that I could never reach.
Youíre crying now. Iíve never seen you cry. Youíre still holding yourself. Your headís bent as you sob. You gasp loudly for air. Itís a horrible sound. I can barely stand to look at you like this. I glide over to you (because thatís what I do. I donít really walk but glide) and I wrap my arms around your body.
I think you can feel my presence because you seem to have stopped crying or at least calmed down somewhat. Youíre mumbling something now. I strain my ears to listen.
"Why Quatre? Why?" I had to. I couldnít take the pain any longer. I couldnít live this miserable life any longer. "Didnít you know how much I loved you? You were the only good thing in my life. I loved you so much. And you betrayed me!"
Your words hurt me worse then any kind of physical pain. Maybe this wasnít the greatest of all ideas. But whatís done is done. I canít change it now. Soon Iíll be leaving and Iíll never be able to see you again. Iíll miss you, but this is for the best.
I couldnít stand living anymore, not even with you. And even if death has succeeded in numbing some of the pain, I will never stop hurting for what I have done to you.
Just remember one thing Trowa. I love you. I love you with all my heart and soul and I regret not taking you with me when I departed from this miserable realm.
I place a kiss on his cheek, I know you feel that in some sort of way. For you have stopped completely, youíre barely breathing. Thatís how aware you are at the moment. I stand up and begin to leave. I stop when I hear you mumbling to yourself.
"Donít leave me Quatre please."
Allah, it hurts so much. You look so broken, so pitiful. I would love to do nothing more then to stay by your side, but itís too late for that. I canít stay. Itís impossible. I must go and pay for all that I have done. I hope you find peace one day Trowa, Iím just sorry that it couldnít have been with me.