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100 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE BECOMING/HAVE BECOME A WEREWOLF
(from AHWW)

1. The mailman starts to wear chain mail.

2. Your dentist is frightened of you.

3. Dogs around the place begin to smell your bottom when you go walking.

4. Your own dog begins to pee around the house to establish its territory.

5. You tell your parents you want a bone for your birthday.

6. You keep hearing ants walking around on the carpet when you're trying to get to sleep at night.

7. You get visited by this big Native American figure in your dreams who gives you a can of dogfood and tells you to buy a flea collar cuz you'll need it.

8. Pets around the neighbourhood begin moving out.

9. Those pets that don't move out either end up mysteriously dead or even more mysteriously pregnant.

10. Some guy called Storm rings up and asks if you want to go to some place called Eau Claire. *smirk*

11. Someone else called Warwick Moss calls and asks when and where he can interview you, telling you to 'come as you are'. (One for the Aussies.)

12. You look at your dog and begin drooling for no humanly apparent reason.

13. You fall in with a bunch of people who like going out every full moon, eating pizza and howling at the sky (UMP ! UMP !)

14. You have chronic halitosis from eating raw meat all the time.

15. You don't need a blanket in winter.

16. You wake up naked, five miles from home, and you *haven't* been on a pub crawl.

17. You begin rubbing your urine over your stuff to make sure your brother or sister doesn't steal them.

18. Your fingernails make masturbation *very* interesting.

19. You develop an aversion to dinner parties from all the silverware they use.

20. Your female partner (if you have one) complains that now *you* have one off night a month.

21. You can't drive or catch the bus since you get told off for sticking your head out the window.

22. You begin to think that the wereolves from 'The Howling' aren't scary, but in fact quite cute and cuddly !

23. You can't hear the radio during the full moon for the howling.

24. When you walk down the road at night, people compliment you on your makeup skills.

25. You find yourself needing to shave every three hours.

26. You don't need your partner to suck you off since now you can do it yourself..

27. ..and they don't wanna have sex with you while you're moulting.

28. Your girlfriend likes you cuz your fur gives better traction, plus your tongue is longer and more fun than your penis.

29. You stop reading "PlayBoy" and start reading "Talk to the Animals."

30. You find the legs of your houseguests *very* arousing.

31. You never perform coitus interruptus, mostly because you can't get out for another 20 minutes after orgasm.

32. Your wife always wonders why there is no water in the toilet every morning.

33. You find the missionary position uncomfortable.

34. You watch nature documentaries instead of porno films.

35. You find that *you're* the one making noises during sex, and not your wife.

36. You dump your girlfriend for this ripe German Shepherd bitch over the road.

37. You don't need earphones to enjoy music. In fact, you don't even need to be in the house.

38. Your clothes, hat and sunglasses don't fit anymore.

39. You need to clean out your hairbrush four times an hour.

40. You find out just how useful opposable digits really are.

41. You're terrified of the vet from hearing about this thing called neutering

42. You don't go jogging in the morning; you chase cars.

43. Your S.O. keeps wondering why their silver jewellry keeps disappearing.

44. You have this urge to be walking.... all the time.

45. You can't seem to resist smelling fire hydrants.

46. You don't like to share your food.

47. You raise your leg to a urinal. (or toilet)

48. Crows tend to flock nearby, or follow you around.

49. You consider the Alaskan gov't as mortal enemies.

50. You turn around 3 times before lying down.

51. You run at the sight of a leash.

52. You bark at the neighbours.

53. You find it time consuming to sew tail-holes in your jeans, only to lose them the next night.

54. Cartoons look more like everyday dramas.

55. Your drain keeps plugging up with loose fur from the shower.

56. Fetch sounds exciting.

57. Meeting your hungry S.O. makes you want to throw up (for them - regurgitation)

58. The fur you keep vacuuming up is not your pet's.

59. Muzzle-prints on all the windows...

60. Worming tablets in the medicine chest.

61. Uses flea-powder instead of deodorant

62. You comb your hair with a metal dog-grooming comb (yes, *I* do this... gets me some seriously odd looks in business meetings!)

63. All the PCs and X-window displays in your office have pictures of seriously yiffy canines as the background wallpaper.

64. Drool stains all over the keyboards of the computers in (63)

65. You remember the names of people's dogs, but not the names of the people themselves.

66. Your URL hotlist contains only pointers to veterinary/canine sites.

67. You are on first-name terms with all the staff at your local veterinary clinic.

68. The major beneficiary in your will has four legs.

69. The lady serving you the fast food looks tastier than the food.

70. You get an urge to catch frisbees in your mouth

71. The elastic in your underwear becomes a major problem

72. You have to brush furballs from the *inside* of your clothes.

73. You look at werewolf morphing scenes and say to yourself, "*That's* not how it happens.."

74. You feel like shit during the New Moon but you're okay again by the Full moon.

75. You turn to someone on a plane and tell him about your nocturnal adventures, recalling in precise detain something you didn't even know about yourelf, until it's too late..

76. You wake up with a leg in your mouth.

77. You wake up with a leg riddled with bloody bite marks and chunk ripped out of it in your mouth.

78. You wake up biting a leg and ripping chunks out of it.

79. You find yourself unable to walk on two legs, open doors, type, read, tell the time, talk, and NOT sniff your own crotch.

80. People run away from you in the street without any obvious motive for doing so.

81. You cry out loud when the wolf gets shot in 'Dances With Wolves' and sob for the rest of the afternoon.

82. You play Tangerine Dream's "Through Metamorphic Rock" over and over, howling in chorus with it.

83. You wonder how much it'd cost all up to move to Alaska.

84. You destroy every ticking object within a hundred metres of your bedroom because you just can't get to sleep.

85. You nearly die of suffocation when you walk through any perfume section of any department store, and walk around high on Chanel No 5 all day. (But doesn't everyone ?)

86. You make guttural grunting noises whilst rubbing up against a tree to scratch your back cuz nobody else wants to get fur under their nails.

87. You hang out at lycanthrope.com day and night.

88. You hang out on FurryMUCK day and night.

89. You get hot flushes over your body, suddenly feeling faint, and something in your head is crying "Let me out !"

90. You get an intense sunburnt feeling over most of your body, but you've not been out in the sun for months.

91. People hold silver crosses to your head when you walk into a New Age shop (which don't do much to or for you, by the way.)

92. You never have a full recollection of the night of the full moon. ("Something about.. meatloaf ?")

93. You begin to stop referring to yourself as "Joe Smith" and urge your friends to call you "Snowrunner".

94. You devote large periods of time at night before you go to bed to meditation to bring out the other side of you.

95. You begin to create stories, songs, pictures and ideas which use the werewolf as a point of focus. Only about ten of them a week, though *smirk*.

96. You save every last cent you have to make a furry suit out of wool and skulk around the house late at night frightening the cats.

97. You have dreams about this place called... Dover....

98. You piss at a practically vertical angle, so you have to go by a tree all the time.

99. You can't watch TV anymore cuz it's so damn flickery.

100. One night, you're sitting in front of a computer terminal. Suddenly, you growl loudly, and begin to feel very strange, almost like jelly. Your body begins to heat up like an oven, and you lose all sense of anything. Gradually, you come to, walk out the door, and espy yourself a mirror on the way out. Back at you stares the biggest damn wolf you're ever gonna see. And that wolf .. is you !

 

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