OVERVIEW: Shaq Fu….Let’s try and take in this thought. The lumbering ogre known as Shaquille O’Neil…doing Kung Fu? Well…I wouldn’t say he is doing any “kun fu” in this game. You see, he IS in Tokyo for a very brief moment and he talks to an “old wise Japanese man” in a dojo, so I guess the game ASSUMED that was enough to call it kung fu. What Shaq does is more like…crude kicking and trying to punch. Anyways, the game is about Shaq in Tokyo for a charity game when some old man tells him he is the “magic one” (what the hell?) and he must rescue the child, Nezu from the 2nd world Ra Sett (you don’t know that though, you just know you gotta rescue a child because Shaq is a sap and goes to the demon dimension for no reason except that he is stupid). Anyways, the game plays out like a fighting game leading up to a chilling fight against a stupid mummy (Ra Sett, ruler and horrible fiend of the 2nd world!!!!). I think if he is supposed to be this evil demonic ruler…couldn’t they have come up with something scarier than a man wrapped in toilet paper? Oh, he has metal shoulder pads with spikes, never mind then. This is just a shitty fighting game trying to leech off Shaq’s …uh..”fame” although I suppose they could have picked a better person to leech off of.
GRAPHICS: Shit. I actually thought I was playing a game called “Shit Fighter” where the characters are pieces of shit. I must say this is the only time I’d be disappointed to find out I was wrong. Shaq doesn’t look like Shaq at all. Instead they throw in a bald black guy in a basketball uniform and hope that you’ll mistake it for him. Also, he jogs in place or something when you stand still…like he has ADD or something. Only one thing looks cool in this game, and that is the black screen as you turn it off. Also, the intro screen is shitty beyond comprehension. It has “Shaq” in some ninja like pose with this magma monster (Beast) behind him like “Gra!!!! I’m gonna rip your skin off” to make you think Shaq is engaged in a tough battle for the fate of the universe. Whatever. The first Mario game has better graphics. In fact…this game makes Pong look cinematic.
CHALLENGE: I beat this game in 5 minutes. It WAS a challenge to keep my eyes on the screen since they wanted to commit suicide each time I saw the shitty graphic known as Shaq. Actually, the game is hard as hell because the monsters shoot fire and crazy junk at you, and you have NO moves (at least none I could figure out). One woman has a voodoo doll she stabs and no matter WHERE you are, it hurts you like half your life! You basically have 2 kicks and 2 punches to fend off these beasts. Also, the enemies hurt you more than you hurt them, plus they have an auto-defend where if they aren’t attacking, they automatically defend and take NO damage. Very hard, very shitty.
REPLAY VALUE: No, I’m skipping this, it’s not even a good joke.
FUN FACTOR: Another one I should skip, but I’ll try. I didn’t even have fn when I beat the enemies, because I didn’t care. I was more concerned with the outcome of my bowel movements than the outcome of this game (ironically they’re both the same thing). Did I have fun following no story? No. Did I have fun being beaten and torn to pieces by enemies with their zillions of super moves while I stand there jogging in place? No. Did I have fun dipping the game in acid? Perhaps.
CONTROL: I suddenly feel ill. To say this game had ANY control would be false. Jumping is just autistic. You do a flip across the screen when you jump forward, and when I say across the screen, I MEAN ACROSS the screen, all the way to the other end. You can’t control that. Also, Shaq’s kicking and punching puts in him in a post hit daze or something, because when you attack (hit or miss) he stops for like a second, so the enemy can pummel you into even more shit than you already are. Also, there are no moves. Maybe it is an effort to simplify the controls? I’d assume anyone dumb enough to play and get into this game is probably too stupid to remember a simple 3 button combo…let’s alone hit two buttons at once.
OVERALL: Overall, I must say I am suicidal. This game makes me shed tears. With shittyness in every department, Shaq Fu becomes my worst game ever. I think perhaps it wasn’t meant to be a real game at all, more so an attack to bring the gaming industry to its knees, and believe me if this game was released as a pilot game for the SNES, it may have worked. Shaq works well with NOTHING. Maybe I’ll review the shit that is Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City next. Yes you heard right. All in all, Basketball players make shitty games.